{"id":300095,"date":"2019-03-21T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-03-21T15:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/relationships-with-adults\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:17","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:17","slug":"relationships-with-adults","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relationships-with-adults\/","title":{"rendered":"Relationships With Adults"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>guest: Josh Burnette, Pete Hardesty | Series: Adulting 101 | Part of raising boys to be men includes teaching them about relationships. Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty, authors of &#8220;Adulting 101,&#8221; encourage young men to build a healthy relationship with their most trusted allies, their parents, and advises parents to listen and be there for their teens.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty encourage young men to build a healthy relationship with their parents, and advises parents to listen and be there for their teens.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty encourage young men to build a healthy relationship with their parents.","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-21.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:22","filesize":"25.98M","filesize_raw":"27239285","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,2835,2855],"tags":[4155,4156,4157],"podcast_series":[7179],"cwp_profile":[8807,8808],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300095","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-raising-boys","category-teens","tag-adulting","tag-becoming-adults","tag-life-skills","podcast_series-adulting-101","cwp_profile-josh-burnette","cwp_profile-pete-hardesty","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300095\/relationships-with-adults","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300095\/relationships-with-adults","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"qMOfxHNqEH\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relationships-with-adults\/\">Relationships With Adults<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/relationships-with-adults\/embed\/#?secret=qMOfxHNqEH\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Relationships With Adults&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"qMOfxHNqEH\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-21.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-21.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A lot of young people think that the key to learning to accept adult responsibilities is to become independent of mom and dad. Josh Burnette says that\u2019s the wrong way to be thinking about entering into adulthood.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>The one thing I would say to someone about to enter the real world is: \u201cYour parents are your parents. I\u2019ve never talked to anybody, who said: \u2018I\u2019m so glad that I cut them off. I\u2019m so glad I stopped talking to my parents.\u2019\u201d That might be a case, here and there\u2014an exception\u2014but I\u2019ve talked to a whole lot of kids, who have a lot of regret about not fostering or cultivating any type of relationship with their parents.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. There\u2019s a right way and a wrong way for parents and children to help that child\u2019s transition into adulthood work out well. We\u2019ll talk about it today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m still kind of hung up on this #Adulting thing. I\u2019m just looking through these\u2014here\u2019s a woman, who says, \u201cHonestly just counting down until I get my new vacuum on Wednesday, #Adulting.\u201d [Laughter] I mean, when you\u2019re excited that the new vacuum is going to arrive next Wednesday, you\u2019re in the adult phase at that point.\n\nAnd here\u2019s: \u201cFirst student loan payment; checkmark, #Adulting,\u201d \u201cWhen you order your kitchen appliances and you get excited to start using your new toys, #Adulting.\u201d There is a whole generation that\u2019s kind of embracing the fact that \u201cYou\u2019re growing up\u201d; and there is some excitement to growing up; isn\u2019t there?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; and I would say there is also a whole generation\u2014and I was part of the generation\u2014younger, that needs to grow up. I didn\u2019t know what growing up <em>looked<\/em> like.\n\nI was, a couple years ago, preaching on a Sunday morning. My message was all about men stepping up to be men. My assistant knows what I\u2019m preaching on\u2014sends me this text\u2014I\u2019m not kidding. I get this while I\u2019m on stage\u2014it comes up on my iPad<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014it says: \u201cSitting at a restaurant with my husband Andy, next to two young single guys. One is advising the other how to break up with someone. The one guy wasn\u2019t going to do anything\u2014just stop calling her. His buddy said: \u2018Be a man. Send her a text!\u2019\u201d [Laughter] She says, \u201cNo lie; unbelievable!\u201d They literally overheard that\u2014like, \u201cOh my gosh!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A part of knowing how to be an adult is knowing how to have relationships that are healthy relationships.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And that may not come naturally. Having raised three sons, I had to coach and <em>teach<\/em> them.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She had to coach me. She\u2019s being nice. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I don\u2019t think it comes naturally for any of us\u2014not just guys, who may be a little less relationally connected than most women are\u2014but all of us are clumsy when it comes to relationships; don\u2019t you think?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I totally agree. That\u2019s why I think we need to be taught to know how to do that.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s one of the subjects that you guys address; and by \u201cyou guys,\u201d I mean our guests, who are joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty. Guys, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Thanks for having us back.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You have written a book on the subject of adulting\u2014it\u2019s called <em>Adulting 101.<\/em> Relationships is one of those issues that you tackle.\n\nJosh, you are working with employees at the Chick-fil-A<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that you are an owner\/operator of. I\u2019m not imagining that, in that environment, you\u2019re giving a whole lot of relationship counsel\u2014maybe this is what\u2019s going on in the slow times at 3:30\u2014although, it\u2019s <em>never<\/em> slow; there\u2019s always a line in the drive-thru at 3:30 at Chick-fil-A.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>That\u2019s the goal. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pete you\u2019re working with high school and college-age students. I\u2019m guessing that there may be a whole lot of conversation around relationships. This is something that high school and college kids are still trying to figure out, as we all did when we were in high school and college; right?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>That age thinks about this once to twice a day, at least\u2014or more\u2014like once or twice a second. They\u2019re thinking about relationships\u2014and not just relationships with someone they are interested in or with the opposite sex\u2014but relationships with their family\/relationships with their friends.\n\nAgain, social media has\u2014it <em>claims<\/em> to be connecting. There is an element that is connecting us to other people; but for the most part, most of the young people that Josh and I get to interact with, we have seen\u2014over the last 10 or 15 years\u2014are less socially-aware. They are not as good in person; they are <em>not<\/em> as good at interviews, because they\u2019ve just had less in-person interaction.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I mean, they have spent their lives looking at a screen. I\u2019ve done it too. It means we look here, and we don\u2019t look here [at other person\u2019s eyes]. And a relationship is\u2014I\u2019m doing it right now\u2014I\u2019m looking at you guys, and it can get uncomfortable; and it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>.\n\nYou\u2019re coming alongside of them, giving them wisdom for life and about relationships. I <em>love<\/em> some of the stuff in there\u2014from dating; you have sexual relationships; you have work relationships.\n\nTalk about this: \u201cWhat do you think the number-one thing a young person needs to know, when you sit down and they say, \u2018Help me with my relationship with my parents,\u2019\u2014what would you say?\u201d\n\n<strong>Pete:<\/strong> Dave, the first thing that came to mind for me: \u201cAs I got older, my dad got wiser. [Laughter] As I got older, my mom became a genius.\u201d\n\nWhen I was in high school, or even middle school, I didn\u2019t understand the world; we don\u2019t understand our parents. There\u2019s something that happens\u2014a lot of teenagers go temporarily insane. [Laughter] I did; most of my friends did. It happens where\u2014I would say to a mom or dad, now, that a lot of relationships that are very <em>tough<\/em> in those teenage years into, maybe, the early 20s, I think\u2014I\u2019ve gotten to see, over the last 20 years of working with young people\/25 years, really\u2014is\u00a0 a lot of those come back around to be very sweet\u2014not without work, not without love, not without initiative.\n\nBut the one thing I would say to someone about to enter the real world is: \u201cYour parents are your parents. I\u2019ve never talked to anybody, who said: \u2018You know, I\u2019m so glad that I cut them off. I\u2019m so glad I stopped talking to my parents,\u2019\u2014that might be a case, here or there\u2014an exception\u2014but I have talked to a lot of kids, who have a lot of regret about not really fostering or cultivating any type of relationship with their parents.\u201d I would say: \u201cWherever you are on that relationship spectrum\u2014of you guys are really tight, or maybe you\u2019re not or you haven\u2019t spoken\u2014I think most people don\u2019t regret a reaching out and having a relationship with their parents. I think it\u2019s just a matter of time and of reaching out.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re right; certainly, there are situations where there are harsh, abusive relationships with parents, where somebody says, \u201cI am better off because that got severed\u201d; but for the most part, if a young person\u2014I\u2019m thinking about my relationship with God\u2014there are times when I don\u2019t understand why the path I\u2019m on is the path that God has chosen for me. I wonder, and I question, and I protest; and yet, if I pull back and go: \u201cOkay; God\u2019s wise. God loves me. God has my best interest at heart. I don\u2019t see everything that He sees. Maybe He sees some things I don\u2019t see; maybe I just need to learn how to be comfortable with this for a season.\u201d\n\nThe same thing is true for a teenager or a college student\u2014if they can pull back and go: \u201cOkay; my parents love me. I\u2019m confident that they do really have my best at heart\u2014that they care about me\u2014and maybe they know a few things about life, just through having lived longer. They may not be as hip as I am, with all of the current stuff that\u2019s going on, but maybe they know a few things about life that I don\u2019t know. Maybe I can trust their judgement, even though I chafe against it right now.\u201d\n\nI mean, all kids chafe against restrictions their parents put on them. But if we help you kids know\u2014and I think, as parents, we can tell our kids: \u201cLook, I love you desperately,\u201d and \u201cI want the best for you, and that\u2019s why I\u2019m putting these restrictions. I know you don\u2019t like them; but you just have to know I think this is best, and I\u2019m doing this with your best interests at heart,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m sorry it makes you sad, but that\u2019s where we are going to be with this.\u201d They may still go away angry and chafing; but at least, they\u2019ve heard that in the back of their head. They can go, \u201cOkay; I think Mom and Dad really believe me, but I still wish I could go do what I want to do\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I would even add\u2014I heard you guys say it: \u201cAsk questions,\u201d \u201cListen to your parents,\u201d\u2014it goes the other way as well.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think I saw research recently\u2014number-one complaint about teenagers about their parents, is: \u201cThey just don\u2019t listen.\u201d I looked at that; and I\u2019m going to go, \u201cThey\u2019re exactly right.\u201d When we ask, as a parent\u2014I know there are a lot of parents listening right now\u2014man, we engage, just like Bob said: \u201cHere\u2019s my rule; here\u2019s where I\u2019m laying down. Now, let me hear what you think of that. Let\u2019s dialogue,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s relationship building; and your modeling and teaching your child how to do relationships, well, when it gets hard.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think a lot of parents <em>never<\/em> make the jump\u2014or don\u2019t make the jump early enough or well\u2014from being what I call a cop, to being a coach; and then, eventually, becoming a consultant.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a good point.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So they are still trying to be a cop with their kids when their kids are in college. That does not work with a college kid\u2014for a mom to try to be a cop. She\u2019s got to pull back and go: \u201cThat\u2019s not my job anymore. My job now is to be coach and consultant.\u201d It\u2019s back to what we\u2019ve talked about earlier\u2014they are going to make some bad choices; and you\u2019ve got to recognize God is in control of that, and He is protecting them; and they\u2019ll learn from their bad choices.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When Ann and I started dating, her dad was my high school baseball coach; so I knew him. In fact, funny story\u2014he barred me from ever dating his daughter. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014because Dave had such a bad reputation.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because he knew you! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know what he\u2019s talking about. I literally snuck around, and we started dating; and I won, eventually, the whole thing.\n\nHere\u2019s the amazing thing\u2014when he became my father-in-law\u2014and I didn\u2019t really have a dad, growing up\u2014so he\u2019s really becoming my dad. I remember saying to him, first year of marriage: \u201cDick, you actually <em>listen<\/em> to me. You ask me my opinion; and you, actually, don\u2019t tell me I\u2019m wrong. You go with my opinion. What is up?\u201d I remember asking, because I had never really had an adult do that.\n\nI\u2019ll never forget it\u2014it was a model, now, for what I wanted to be, as a dad, later\u2014he said: \u201cOh, we\u2019re adult to adult now.\u201d \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d He goes: \u201cParent-child is over. You\u2019re a man; I\u2019m a man. I\u2019m going to treat you like a man\u2014we\u2019re adult to adult.\u201d He goes: \u201cThat\u2019s what you got to do, at some stage\u2014you\u2019ve got to pick that age and say, \u2018I\u2019m no longer going to [relate as] the parent-child,\u2019\u2014although you always are\u2014\u2018It\u2019s going to be adult to adult.\u2019\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat a <em>great<\/em> model\u201d; because he was actually <em>listening<\/em> to me. <em>Nobody<\/em> had ever done that at that age.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think my dad, too\u2014it was interesting because I had two brothers\u2014and at the age of 16\u2014and most people won\u2019t agree with this\u2014but my dad had my brothers call him \u201cDick\u201d\u2014his name\u2014because he said, \u201cI will always be your dad, but now you are my peer.\u201d\n\nAs parents, let\u2019s say we have a teenager that\u2019s not really talking a lot. We\u2019re asking a lot of questions, but we are getting [grunting sounds]\u2014you know, they are just grunting. Do you have any tips of what parents could do? We\u2019ve talked about what kids can do; we\u2019ve talked about parents asking questions; anything else that you guys think, \u201cThis would be really helpful for that teen that is just kind of outside, doing their own thing\u201d? How would you encourage moms or dads?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>I think every teenager is excited about <em>something<\/em>, so it\u2019s tapping into what drives their passion and then asking questions around that. If you ask questions that you hope to know the answers to, or you want to have an agenda at the end of it\u2014that\u2019s, oftentimes, why that dialogue is going to die. But if you ask questions that really engage them around the topic they care about, I think that\u2019s a much healthier and happier dialogue.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>And also, it\u2019s much more an art than a science, you know, as far as getting to know. Every kid is different\/every college student is different, like Josh said. I do think there are some things that activate people\u2014some of that is stepping back and looking.\n\nI would say the other thing that comes to mind\u2014I\u2019ve seen great moms and dads that have helped unlock their children, when they\u2019ve gotten withdrawn, or quiet, or rebellious\u2014or fill in the blank\u2014is they start to dream for their son or daughter.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh! What do you mean by that?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>No one dreams for people anymore. It\u2019s kind of you want to develop\u2014you just kind of get them to [where] they aren\u2019t totally messing up, making these\u2014you have soft fails or you\u2019re not making life-altering decisions that have terrible consequences.\n\nPart of that takes cultivation of knowing who that child is and what that child is excited about\/what they\u2019re good at. I\u2019m not talking about dreaming, necessarily, for a career. One of my mentors would always say, \u201cWe hold a crown above peoples\u2019 heads, and we help them grow up into it.\u201d I think some moms and dads really do have a hope for their child\u2014maybe they\u2019ve never shared it\u2014or they don\u2019t know\u2014they, maybe, haven\u2019t thought about, \u201cWho do I want this child to become?\u201d\u2014not, necessarily, what career track, but\u2014\u201cWho\/who do I want them to be?\u201d If we become the right person, we\u2019ll <em>do<\/em> the right things.\n\nI think a lot of times\u2014like what Dave said\u2014it\u2019s just listening. I\u2019m surprised, even just on my own, listening is such a rare skill. The people that like to talk\u2014you know, I\u2019m half Italian\u2014is that they don\u2019t listen very well. If you came to my family party on Thanksgiving, you can\u2019t get a word in edgewise. This radio program would not work. [Laughter]\n\nBut I think listening and just showing up\u2014depending on how long that\u2019s been\u2014where you\u2019ve felt like there\u2019s been a break in the relationship, it might take some time. It might not be able to be solved one good dinner or one\u2014like Josh said\u2014maybe finding out what they are excited about. Taking a step of faith\u2014maybe making an overture of something\u2014some experience, or tickets to something, or a concert, or something\u2014as far as a first step. But if it\u2019s been that way for a while, it might take a while before\u2014you know, relationships take time.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, we\u2019ve kind of locked onto the parent\/child relationship as we are talking about relationships. But when we\u2019re talking about young people, who are learning how to be adults, what\u2019s the difference between how a child does relationships and how an adult does relationships? And how can we help our children become more adult in their ability to relate? I think listening is a good part of the glue in all of that, but what is the difference between the way kids do relationships and the way grownups do relationships?\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>There\u2019s not much in a normal relationship; but in a healthy relationship, I think it moves from a me-focus to a you-focus. This, again, plays out all the time in the workforce. People that do the worst in leadership are the ones who are there to be served; and the ones that we see progress through the ranks, and do very well, and the team enjoys engaging with them are the ones that are there to say, \u201cHow do I make this job easier for the people that, technically, report to me?\u201d For me, that\u2019s really a huge one.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cAdulting is\u2026\u201d\u2014a big part is learning to take your eyes off you as the center of the universe and recognize: \u201cI\u2019m here in an ecosystem that involves other people,\u201d and \u201cI need to be a contributor to that rather than it just being all about me\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>A number of years ago perhaps, I had the <em>best<\/em> employee that had ever worked for me over the last seven years\u2014worked for me at that time. She was stupendous; she was the best person on the floor\/knew all the operations; could hire well; and do all these things for the operation\u2014but no one liked her. Despite being the most high-capacity, smartest person in the entire store for us, ultimately, we had to let her go; because she could not figure out the relational component to what she had to do. People that were less qualified and not the best at their job, moved past her and kept their jobs, even. She was not able to, because of this relational component.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s pretty interesting\u2014in your book, you get into the\u2014and it\u2019s what Bob was asking: \u201cThe adult way to do relationship is E.Q. \u2014understanding people\/reading people.\u201d You put that in your book\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>E.Q.: That\u2019s emotional intelligence\u2014somebody\u2019s emotional quotient; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, which is one of the <em>greatest<\/em> gifts. It\u2019s something you can learn; right?\u2014to just not\u2014it\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about looking you in the eye and trying to understand, and listen, and see \u201cWhat\u2019s really going on in your life?\u201d\n\nHere\u2019s what\u2019s really interesting\u2014I didn\u2019t know this until maybe a decade ago\u2014that the most famous passage in the Bible about love\u2014you\u2019ve heard it at every wedding; which one is it?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>First Corinthians 13; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes! I knew you knew it\u2014the <em>Love<\/em> Chapter; right? [Laughter] It\u2019s really interesting when you study what Paul is doing there\u2014it\u2019s Adulting 101\u2014it\u2019s really interesting. In fact, at the end of that, he says in verse 11, in Chapter 13\u2014he says: \u201cWhen I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.\u201d\n\nHere\u2019s the context that most people don\u2019t know. When he\u2019s saying, \u201cLove is patient, love is kind; it\u2019s not self-seeking,\u201d earlier in the chapter\u2014when you study to see what\u2019s going on in that church\u2014division. In fact, he says they are like children doing relationships\u2014they couldn\u2019t get along. He says, \u201cLet me show you what adult love looks like.\u201d It\u2019s almost a scolding of the church to say: \u201cYou guys don\u2019t get this. You are acting like little kids. Adult 101\u2014let me show you: love is patient, love is kind\u2026\u201d I mean, it\u2019s the most beautiful thing you ever read. But it\u2019s just what you guys are saying\u2014like, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me\u2014it\u2019s not a self-seeking love; it\u2019s a self-giving love.\u201d\n\nSo let me ask you this. You said there\u2019s the four core when you\u2019re looking for an employee that you\u2019re trying to hire. I mean, when you mentioned that earlier, that is an adulting grow-up moment, where you are saying, \u201cThis is what a person does and how they act when they do relationships well.\u201d Share that.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Whenever we are engaging a potential new hire, we are looking for four elements in addition to the answers of their questions; but: \u201cAre they creating eye contact with the people around them?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright; hang on. \u201cIf you want to apply for a Chick-fil-A job, get your pencil out right now! Eye contract is number one.\u201d\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Every wife is thinking: \u201cOh, my gosh! I want my husband to do this!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cto treat me like a Chick-fil-A [employee] and to say, \u2018My pleasure,\u2019 anytime I ask for something.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!! This is paradise! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Husbands, come work for Chick-fil-A!!\u2014stat.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Eye contact is number one.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Sharing a smile: \u201cCan they smile and break down the barriers with the guests?\u201d \u201cCan they speak with any measure of enthusiasm?\u201d Or do they sound like they can\u2019t be there at all\u2014deadpan. \u201cThen, can they stay connected?\u201d\u2014what does that look like? Are they able to continue to engage with the guest after the order\u2019s complete? Do they have a genuine, pro-active caring approach to the people that they engage with, or do they not? Those are the core four that Chick-fil-A looks for in potential new-hires.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014in a husband. Oh! I mean\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We laugh about that; but <em>honestly<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014think about that in marriage.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re maintaining eye contact in communication, and you\u2019re smiling, and there is some genuine enthusiasm, and then you stay connected\u2014I mean, a lot of marriages would do better if they had this going on; wouldn\u2019t they?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I bet I\u2019ve had hundreds of women say to me, \u201cIf my husband would just look me in the eye and act as if he\u2019s interested in what I\u2019m saying\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She\u2019s said that to <em>me<\/em>. [Laughter] Trust me; it isn\u2019t <em>hundreds<\/em> of women\u2014that was code for my husband.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand to put down a device; you know. \u2018Hey, look at me over here!\u2019\u201d\n\nBut I <em>love<\/em> those principles.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; we\u2019ve gotten off of adulting with Ann\u2019s passion for it; but here\u2019s the point\u2014we\u2019re talking about what you said, Dave\u2014the difference between how kids do relationships\u2014where it\u2019s selfish; it\u2019s about me, where I\u2019m childish, where I want all the attention and everything to come one way\u2014and the way grown-ups have to learn how to do it, which is to be patient, and kind, and not self-serving\u2014all of the things that are listed there in 1 Corinthians 13.\n\nAs parents, we\u2019ve got to help our kids know how to develop these kinds of healthy relationships with the opposite sex, with same sex, in the workplace\u2014wherever it is. You\u2019ve got to be better at relationships. You cover that in one section of the book, <em>Adulting 101<\/em>. It\u2019s just a good reminder for us, as parents, that we need to be providing some guidance for our kids as they transition into adulthood.\n\nWe\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. This is a book you could read through with a high school student\/even a college student. Or a book that you could share with a young adult, who would benefit from going through these subjects. Again, the title of the book, <em>Adulting 101: #Wisdom4Life,<\/em> by Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty. You can go, online, to order a copy at <a id=\"_Hlk2889023\"><\/a>FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014the number is 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329. Ask for your copy of <em>Adulting 101<\/em>; or order it from us, online.\n\nNow, as always, we want to take a minute to just say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who have made today\u2019s program possible. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. The reality is\u2014there\u2019s a small percentage of those of you who are, not just listeners, but who also make this program possible for others in your city\/in your community. You have benefitted from this program, and you want to share it with others. And we\u2019re grateful to be in partnership with you.\n\nIf you are a long-time listener, you can help us continue and expand the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> by becoming either a monthly Legacy Partner or by making a one-time donation that helps cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program. You can donate easily online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Let me say: \u201cThanks, in advance, for whatever you are able to do to support this work. We are grateful for you and glad to have you as part of the team.\u201d\n\nNow, the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, is here with us again today. He\u2019s been paying attention as we\u2019ve been talking about these adulting themes. David, welcome back.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>Thanks, Bob. You know, as Josh shared those four core competencies that he looks for in an employee, I couldn\u2019t help but reflect on the fourth one for myself. I mean, life is busy; and the question for me is: \u201cDo I stay connected and present in conversations, especially with my kids? [Laughter] Do I delight in my kids when they are rambling in excitement and stringing together sentences, with no breath, to keep the floor so the other kids don\u2019t join in?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; let\u2019s be honest, though. It\u2019s <em>hard<\/em> to stay connected when they\u2019re talking.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>But often, I don\u2019t, Bob!\u2014that\u2019s the point! [Laughter[ They\u2019re pouring their heart out\u2014usually about something, frankly, I don\u2019t care about much\u2014but they\u2019re longing for connection and availability from their father, just as I <em>long<\/em> for connection with my heavenly Father.\n\nOne of the things that makes Jesus so compelling in the gospels is His relational focus. He listened. He was fully present, and He connected with people, and He consistently responded in grace and truth. If you have a relationship with Jesus, you have the Spirit empowering you to be able to do the same with your family.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great reminder. Thank you.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we are going to continue the conversation about adulting and talk about something that\u2019s pretty critical; and that is financial management. Do our kids, as they enter into adulthood, know how to manage their money?\u2014how to avoid debt?\u2014how to pay their bills? We\u2019re going to talk about all of that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":["Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty encourage young men to build a healthy relationship with their parents."],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:28:22"],"show_notes":[""],"filesize":["25.98M"],"filesize_raw":["27239285"],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300095.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300095.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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Burnette and Pete Hardesty encourage young men to build a healthy relationship with their parents, and advises parents to listen and be there for their teens.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-21.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A lot of young people think that the key to learning to accept adult responsibilities is to become independent of mom and dad. Josh Burnette says that\u2019s the wrong way to be thinking about entering into adulthood.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>The one thing I would say to someone about to enter the real world is: \u201cYour parents are your parents. I\u2019ve never talked to anybody, who said: \u2018I\u2019m so glad that I cut them off. I\u2019m so glad I stopped talking to my parents.\u2019\u201d That might be a case, here and there\u2014an exception\u2014but I\u2019ve talked to a whole lot of kids, who have a lot of regret about not fostering or cultivating any type of relationship with their parents.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 21<sup>st<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. There\u2019s a right way and a wrong way for parents and children to help that child\u2019s transition into adulthood work out well. We\u2019ll talk about it today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. I\u2019m still kind of hung up on this #Adulting thing. I\u2019m just looking through these\u2014here\u2019s a woman, who says, \u201cHonestly just counting down until I get my new vacuum on Wednesday, #Adulting.\u201d [Laughter] I mean, when you\u2019re excited that the new vacuum is going to arrive next Wednesday, you\u2019re in the adult phase at that point.\n\nAnd here\u2019s: \u201cFirst student loan payment; checkmark, #Adulting,\u201d \u201cWhen you order your kitchen appliances and you get excited to start using your new toys, #Adulting.\u201d There is a whole generation that\u2019s kind of embracing the fact that \u201cYou\u2019re growing up\u201d; and there is some excitement to growing up; isn\u2019t there?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; and I would say there is also a whole generation\u2014and I was part of the generation\u2014younger, that needs to grow up. I didn\u2019t know what growing up <em>looked<\/em> like.\n\nI was, a couple years ago, preaching on a Sunday morning. My message was all about men stepping up to be men. My assistant knows what I\u2019m preaching on\u2014sends me this text\u2014I\u2019m not kidding. I get this while I\u2019m on stage\u2014it comes up on my iPad<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014it says: \u201cSitting at a restaurant with my husband Andy, next to two young single guys. One is advising the other how to break up with someone. The one guy wasn\u2019t going to do anything\u2014just stop calling her. His buddy said: \u2018Be a man. Send her a text!\u2019\u201d [Laughter] She says, \u201cNo lie; unbelievable!\u201d They literally overheard that\u2014like, \u201cOh my gosh!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>A part of knowing how to be an adult is knowing how to have relationships that are healthy relationships.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And that may not come naturally. Having raised three sons, I had to coach and <em>teach<\/em> them.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She had to coach me. She\u2019s being nice. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, I don\u2019t think it comes naturally for any of us\u2014not just guys, who may be a little less relationally connected than most women are\u2014but all of us are clumsy when it comes to relationships; don\u2019t you think?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I totally agree. That\u2019s why I think we need to be taught to know how to do that.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>It\u2019s one of the subjects that you guys address; and by \u201cyou guys,\u201d I mean our guests, who are joining us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty. Guys, welcome back.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Thanks for having us back.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> You have written a book on the subject of adulting\u2014it\u2019s called <em>Adulting 101.<\/em> Relationships is one of those issues that you tackle.\n\nJosh, you are working with employees at the Chick-fil-A<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that you are an owner\/operator of. I\u2019m not imagining that, in that environment, you\u2019re giving a whole lot of relationship counsel\u2014maybe this is what\u2019s going on in the slow times at 3:30\u2014although, it\u2019s <em>never<\/em> slow; there\u2019s always a line in the drive-thru at 3:30 at Chick-fil-A.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>That\u2019s the goal. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Pete you\u2019re working with high school and college-age students. I\u2019m guessing that there may be a whole lot of conversation around relationships. This is something that high school and college kids are still trying to figure out, as we all did when we were in high school and college; right?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>That age thinks about this once to twice a day, at least\u2014or more\u2014like once or twice a second. They\u2019re thinking about relationships\u2014and not just relationships with someone they are interested in or with the opposite sex\u2014but relationships with their family\/relationships with their friends.\n\nAgain, social media has\u2014it <em>claims<\/em> to be connecting. There is an element that is connecting us to other people; but for the most part, most of the young people that Josh and I get to interact with, we have seen\u2014over the last 10 or 15 years\u2014are less socially-aware. They are not as good in person; they are <em>not<\/em> as good at interviews, because they\u2019ve just had less in-person interaction.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I mean, they have spent their lives looking at a screen. I\u2019ve done it too. It means we look here, and we don\u2019t look here [at other person\u2019s eyes]. And a relationship is\u2014I\u2019m doing it right now\u2014I\u2019m looking at you guys, and it can get uncomfortable; and it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>.\n\nYou\u2019re coming alongside of them, giving them wisdom for life and about relationships. I <em>love<\/em> some of the stuff in there\u2014from dating; you have sexual relationships; you have work relationships.\n\nTalk about this: \u201cWhat do you think the number-one thing a young person needs to know, when you sit down and they say, \u2018Help me with my relationship with my parents,\u2019\u2014what would you say?\u201d\n\n<strong>Pete:<\/strong> Dave, the first thing that came to mind for me: \u201cAs I got older, my dad got wiser. [Laughter] As I got older, my mom became a genius.\u201d\n\nWhen I was in high school, or even middle school, I didn\u2019t understand the world; we don\u2019t understand our parents. There\u2019s something that happens\u2014a lot of teenagers go temporarily insane. [Laughter] I did; most of my friends did. It happens where\u2014I would say to a mom or dad, now, that a lot of relationships that are very <em>tough<\/em> in those teenage years into, maybe, the early 20s, I think\u2014I\u2019ve gotten to see, over the last 20 years of working with young people\/25 years, really\u2014is\u00a0 a lot of those come back around to be very sweet\u2014not without work, not without love, not without initiative.\n\nBut the one thing I would say to someone about to enter the real world is: \u201cYour parents are your parents. I\u2019ve never talked to anybody, who said: \u2018You know, I\u2019m so glad that I cut them off. I\u2019m so glad I stopped talking to my parents,\u2019\u2014that might be a case, here or there\u2014an exception\u2014but I have talked to a lot of kids, who have a lot of regret about not really fostering or cultivating any type of relationship with their parents.\u201d I would say: \u201cWherever you are on that relationship spectrum\u2014of you guys are really tight, or maybe you\u2019re not or you haven\u2019t spoken\u2014I think most people don\u2019t regret a reaching out and having a relationship with their parents. I think it\u2019s just a matter of time and of reaching out.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019re right; certainly, there are situations where there are harsh, abusive relationships with parents, where somebody says, \u201cI am better off because that got severed\u201d; but for the most part, if a young person\u2014I\u2019m thinking about my relationship with God\u2014there are times when I don\u2019t understand why the path I\u2019m on is the path that God has chosen for me. I wonder, and I question, and I protest; and yet, if I pull back and go: \u201cOkay; God\u2019s wise. God loves me. God has my best interest at heart. I don\u2019t see everything that He sees. Maybe He sees some things I don\u2019t see; maybe I just need to learn how to be comfortable with this for a season.\u201d\n\nThe same thing is true for a teenager or a college student\u2014if they can pull back and go: \u201cOkay; my parents love me. I\u2019m confident that they do really have my best at heart\u2014that they care about me\u2014and maybe they know a few things about life, just through having lived longer. They may not be as hip as I am, with all of the current stuff that\u2019s going on, but maybe they know a few things about life that I don\u2019t know. Maybe I can trust their judgement, even though I chafe against it right now.\u201d\n\nI mean, all kids chafe against restrictions their parents put on them. But if we help you kids know\u2014and I think, as parents, we can tell our kids: \u201cLook, I love you desperately,\u201d and \u201cI want the best for you, and that\u2019s why I\u2019m putting these restrictions. I know you don\u2019t like them; but you just have to know I think this is best, and I\u2019m doing this with your best interests at heart,\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m sorry it makes you sad, but that\u2019s where we are going to be with this.\u201d They may still go away angry and chafing; but at least, they\u2019ve heard that in the back of their head. They can go, \u201cOkay; I think Mom and Dad really believe me, but I still wish I could go do what I want to do\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I would even add\u2014I heard you guys say it: \u201cAsk questions,\u201d \u201cListen to your parents,\u201d\u2014it goes the other way as well.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I think I saw research recently\u2014number-one complaint about teenagers about their parents, is: \u201cThey just don\u2019t listen.\u201d I looked at that; and I\u2019m going to go, \u201cThey\u2019re exactly right.\u201d When we ask, as a parent\u2014I know there are a lot of parents listening right now\u2014man, we engage, just like Bob said: \u201cHere\u2019s my rule; here\u2019s where I\u2019m laying down. Now, let me hear what you think of that. Let\u2019s dialogue,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s relationship building; and your modeling and teaching your child how to do relationships, well, when it gets hard.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>I think a lot of parents <em>never<\/em> make the jump\u2014or don\u2019t make the jump early enough or well\u2014from being what I call a cop, to being a coach; and then, eventually, becoming a consultant.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s a good point.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> So they are still trying to be a cop with their kids when their kids are in college. That does not work with a college kid\u2014for a mom to try to be a cop. She\u2019s got to pull back and go: \u201cThat\u2019s not my job anymore. My job now is to be coach and consultant.\u201d It\u2019s back to what we\u2019ve talked about earlier\u2014they are going to make some bad choices; and you\u2019ve got to recognize God is in control of that, and He is protecting them; and they\u2019ll learn from their bad choices.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>When Ann and I started dating, her dad was my high school baseball coach; so I knew him. In fact, funny story\u2014he barred me from ever dating his daughter. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014because Dave had such a bad reputation.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014because he knew you! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I don\u2019t know what he\u2019s talking about. I literally snuck around, and we started dating; and I won, eventually, the whole thing.\n\nHere\u2019s the amazing thing\u2014when he became my father-in-law\u2014and I didn\u2019t really have a dad, growing up\u2014so he\u2019s really becoming my dad. I remember saying to him, first year of marriage: \u201cDick, you actually <em>listen<\/em> to me. You ask me my opinion; and you, actually, don\u2019t tell me I\u2019m wrong. You go with my opinion. What is up?\u201d I remember asking, because I had never really had an adult do that.\n\nI\u2019ll never forget it\u2014it was a model, now, for what I wanted to be, as a dad, later\u2014he said: \u201cOh, we\u2019re adult to adult now.\u201d \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d He goes: \u201cParent-child is over. You\u2019re a man; I\u2019m a man. I\u2019m going to treat you like a man\u2014we\u2019re adult to adult.\u201d He goes: \u201cThat\u2019s what you got to do, at some stage\u2014you\u2019ve got to pick that age and say, \u2018I\u2019m no longer going to [relate as] the parent-child,\u2019\u2014although you always are\u2014\u2018It\u2019s going to be adult to adult.\u2019\u201d I thought, \u201cWhat a <em>great<\/em> model\u201d; because he was actually <em>listening<\/em> to me. <em>Nobody<\/em> had ever done that at that age.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think my dad, too\u2014it was interesting because I had two brothers\u2014and at the age of 16\u2014and most people won\u2019t agree with this\u2014but my dad had my brothers call him \u201cDick\u201d\u2014his name\u2014because he said, \u201cI will always be your dad, but now you are my peer.\u201d\n\nAs parents, let\u2019s say we have a teenager that\u2019s not really talking a lot. We\u2019re asking a lot of questions, but we are getting [grunting sounds]\u2014you know, they are just grunting. Do you have any tips of what parents could do? We\u2019ve talked about what kids can do; we\u2019ve talked about parents asking questions; anything else that you guys think, \u201cThis would be really helpful for that teen that is just kind of outside, doing their own thing\u201d? How would you encourage moms or dads?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>I think every teenager is excited about <em>something<\/em>, so it\u2019s tapping into what drives their passion and then asking questions around that. If you ask questions that you hope to know the answers to, or you want to have an agenda at the end of it\u2014that\u2019s, oftentimes, why that dialogue is going to die. But if you ask questions that really engage them around the topic they care about, I think that\u2019s a much healthier and happier dialogue.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>And also, it\u2019s much more an art than a science, you know, as far as getting to know. Every kid is different\/every college student is different, like Josh said. I do think there are some things that activate people\u2014some of that is stepping back and looking.\n\nI would say the other thing that comes to mind\u2014I\u2019ve seen great moms and dads that have helped unlock their children, when they\u2019ve gotten withdrawn, or quiet, or rebellious\u2014or fill in the blank\u2014is they start to dream for their son or daughter.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh! What do you mean by that?\n\n<strong>Pete: <\/strong>No one dreams for people anymore. It\u2019s kind of you want to develop\u2014you just kind of get them to [where] they aren\u2019t totally messing up, making these\u2014you have soft fails or you\u2019re not making life-altering decisions that have terrible consequences.\n\nPart of that takes cultivation of knowing who that child is and what that child is excited about\/what they\u2019re good at. I\u2019m not talking about dreaming, necessarily, for a career. One of my mentors would always say, \u201cWe hold a crown above peoples\u2019 heads, and we help them grow up into it.\u201d I think some moms and dads really do have a hope for their child\u2014maybe they\u2019ve never shared it\u2014or they don\u2019t know\u2014they, maybe, haven\u2019t thought about, \u201cWho do I want this child to become?\u201d\u2014not, necessarily, what career track, but\u2014\u201cWho\/who do I want them to be?\u201d If we become the right person, we\u2019ll <em>do<\/em> the right things.\n\nI think a lot of times\u2014like what Dave said\u2014it\u2019s just listening. I\u2019m surprised, even just on my own, listening is such a rare skill. The people that like to talk\u2014you know, I\u2019m half Italian\u2014is that they don\u2019t listen very well. If you came to my family party on Thanksgiving, you can\u2019t get a word in edgewise. This radio program would not work. [Laughter]\n\nBut I think listening and just showing up\u2014depending on how long that\u2019s been\u2014where you\u2019ve felt like there\u2019s been a break in the relationship, it might take some time. It might not be able to be solved one good dinner or one\u2014like Josh said\u2014maybe finding out what they are excited about. Taking a step of faith\u2014maybe making an overture of something\u2014some experience, or tickets to something, or a concert, or something\u2014as far as a first step. But if it\u2019s been that way for a while, it might take a while before\u2014you know, relationships take time.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You know, we\u2019ve kind of locked onto the parent\/child relationship as we are talking about relationships. But when we\u2019re talking about young people, who are learning how to be adults, what\u2019s the difference between how a child does relationships and how an adult does relationships? And how can we help our children become more adult in their ability to relate? I think listening is a good part of the glue in all of that, but what is the difference between the way kids do relationships and the way grownups do relationships?\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>There\u2019s not much in a normal relationship; but in a healthy relationship, I think it moves from a me-focus to a you-focus. This, again, plays out all the time in the workforce. People that do the worst in leadership are the ones who are there to be served; and the ones that we see progress through the ranks, and do very well, and the team enjoys engaging with them are the ones that are there to say, \u201cHow do I make this job easier for the people that, technically, report to me?\u201d For me, that\u2019s really a huge one.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u201cAdulting is\u2026\u201d\u2014a big part is learning to take your eyes off you as the center of the universe and recognize: \u201cI\u2019m here in an ecosystem that involves other people,\u201d and \u201cI need to be a contributor to that rather than it just being all about me\u201d; right?\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>A number of years ago perhaps, I had the <em>best<\/em> employee that had ever worked for me over the last seven years\u2014worked for me at that time. She was stupendous; she was the best person on the floor\/knew all the operations; could hire well; and do all these things for the operation\u2014but no one liked her. Despite being the most high-capacity, smartest person in the entire store for us, ultimately, we had to let her go; because she could not figure out the relational component to what she had to do. People that were less qualified and not the best at their job, moved past her and kept their jobs, even. She was not able to, because of this relational component.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s pretty interesting\u2014in your book, you get into the\u2014and it\u2019s what Bob was asking: \u201cThe adult way to do relationship is E.Q. \u2014understanding people\/reading people.\u201d You put that in your book\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>E.Q.: That\u2019s emotional intelligence\u2014somebody\u2019s emotional quotient; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes, which is one of the <em>greatest<\/em> gifts. It\u2019s something you can learn; right?\u2014to just not\u2014it\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about looking you in the eye and trying to understand, and listen, and see \u201cWhat\u2019s really going on in your life?\u201d\n\nHere\u2019s what\u2019s really interesting\u2014I didn\u2019t know this until maybe a decade ago\u2014that the most famous passage in the Bible about love\u2014you\u2019ve heard it at every wedding; which one is it?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>First Corinthians 13; right?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes! I knew you knew it\u2014the <em>Love<\/em> Chapter; right? [Laughter] It\u2019s really interesting when you study what Paul is doing there\u2014it\u2019s Adulting 101\u2014it\u2019s really interesting. In fact, at the end of that, he says in verse 11, in Chapter 13\u2014he says: \u201cWhen I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.\u201d\n\nHere\u2019s the context that most people don\u2019t know. When he\u2019s saying, \u201cLove is patient, love is kind; it\u2019s not self-seeking,\u201d earlier in the chapter\u2014when you study to see what\u2019s going on in that church\u2014division. In fact, he says they are like children doing relationships\u2014they couldn\u2019t get along. He says, \u201cLet me show you what adult love looks like.\u201d It\u2019s almost a scolding of the church to say: \u201cYou guys don\u2019t get this. You are acting like little kids. Adult 101\u2014let me show you: love is patient, love is kind\u2026\u201d I mean, it\u2019s the most beautiful thing you ever read. But it\u2019s just what you guys are saying\u2014like, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me\u2014it\u2019s not a self-seeking love; it\u2019s a self-giving love.\u201d\n\nSo let me ask you this. You said there\u2019s the four core when you\u2019re looking for an employee that you\u2019re trying to hire. I mean, when you mentioned that earlier, that is an adulting grow-up moment, where you are saying, \u201cThis is what a person does and how they act when they do relationships well.\u201d Share that.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Whenever we are engaging a potential new hire, we are looking for four elements in addition to the answers of their questions; but: \u201cAre they creating eye contact with the people around them?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Alright; hang on. \u201cIf you want to apply for a Chick-fil-A job, get your pencil out right now! Eye contract is number one.\u201d\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Every wife is thinking: \u201cOh, my gosh! I want my husband to do this!\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cto treat me like a Chick-fil-A [employee] and to say, \u2018My pleasure,\u2019 anytime I ask for something.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!! This is paradise! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Husbands, come work for Chick-fil-A!!\u2014stat.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Eye contact is number one.\n\n<strong>Josh: <\/strong>Sharing a smile: \u201cCan they smile and break down the barriers with the guests?\u201d \u201cCan they speak with any measure of enthusiasm?\u201d Or do they sound like they can\u2019t be there at all\u2014deadpan. \u201cThen, can they stay connected?\u201d\u2014what does that look like? Are they able to continue to engage with the guest after the order\u2019s complete? Do they have a genuine, pro-active caring approach to the people that they engage with, or do they not? Those are the core four that Chick-fil-A looks for in potential new-hires.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014in a husband. Oh! I mean\u2014\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>We laugh about that; but <em>honestly<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>\u2014think about that in marriage.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you\u2019re maintaining eye contact in communication, and you\u2019re smiling, and there is some genuine enthusiasm, and then you stay connected\u2014I mean, a lot of marriages would do better if they had this going on; wouldn\u2019t they?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I bet I\u2019ve had hundreds of women say to me, \u201cIf my husband would just look me in the eye and act as if he\u2019s interested in what I\u2019m saying\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She\u2019s said that to <em>me<\/em>. [Laughter] Trust me; it isn\u2019t <em>hundreds<\/em> of women\u2014that was code for my husband.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014\u201cand to put down a device; you know. \u2018Hey, look at me over here!\u2019\u201d\n\nBut I <em>love<\/em> those principles.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; we\u2019ve gotten off of adulting with Ann\u2019s passion for it; but here\u2019s the point\u2014we\u2019re talking about what you said, Dave\u2014the difference between how kids do relationships\u2014where it\u2019s selfish; it\u2019s about me, where I\u2019m childish, where I want all the attention and everything to come one way\u2014and the way grown-ups have to learn how to do it, which is to be patient, and kind, and not self-serving\u2014all of the things that are listed there in 1 Corinthians 13.\n\nAs parents, we\u2019ve got to help our kids know how to develop these kinds of healthy relationships with the opposite sex, with same sex, in the workplace\u2014wherever it is. You\u2019ve got to be better at relationships. You cover that in one section of the book, <em>Adulting 101<\/em>. It\u2019s just a good reminder for us, as parents, that we need to be providing some guidance for our kids as they transition into adulthood.\n\nWe\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. This is a book you could read through with a high school student\/even a college student. Or a book that you could share with a young adult, who would benefit from going through these subjects. Again, the title of the book, <em>Adulting 101: #Wisdom4Life,<\/em> by Josh Burnette and Pete Hardesty. You can go, online, to order a copy at <a id=\"_Hlk2889023\"><\/a>FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to get your copy. Again, the website: FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014the number is 1-800-FL-TODAY\u20141-800-358-6329. Ask for your copy of <em>Adulting 101<\/em>; or order it from us, online.\n\nNow, as always, we want to take a minute to just say, \u201cThank you,\u201d to those of you who have made today\u2019s program possible. <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is listener-supported. The reality is\u2014there\u2019s a small percentage of those of you who are, not just listeners, but who also make this program possible for others in your city\/in your community. You have benefitted from this program, and you want to share it with others. And we\u2019re grateful to be in partnership with you.\n\nIf you are a long-time listener, you can help us continue and expand the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> by becoming either a monthly Legacy Partner or by making a one-time donation that helps cover the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program. You can donate easily online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. Let me say: \u201cThanks, in advance, for whatever you are able to do to support this work. We are grateful for you and glad to have you as part of the team.\u201d\n\nNow, the President of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, is here with us again today. He\u2019s been paying attention as we\u2019ve been talking about these adulting themes. David, welcome back.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>Thanks, Bob. You know, as Josh shared those four core competencies that he looks for in an employee, I couldn\u2019t help but reflect on the fourth one for myself. I mean, life is busy; and the question for me is: \u201cDo I stay connected and present in conversations, especially with my kids? [Laughter] Do I delight in my kids when they are rambling in excitement and stringing together sentences, with no breath, to keep the floor so the other kids don\u2019t join in?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Okay; let\u2019s be honest, though. It\u2019s <em>hard<\/em> to stay connected when they\u2019re talking.\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>But often, I don\u2019t, Bob!\u2014that\u2019s the point! [Laughter[ They\u2019re pouring their heart out\u2014usually about something, frankly, I don\u2019t care about much\u2014but they\u2019re longing for connection and availability from their father, just as I <em>long<\/em> for connection with my heavenly Father.\n\nOne of the things that makes Jesus so compelling in the gospels is His relational focus. He listened. He was fully present, and He connected with people, and He consistently responded in grace and truth. If you have a relationship with Jesus, you have the Spirit empowering you to be able to do the same with your family.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s a great reminder. Thank you.\n\nNow, tomorrow, we are going to continue the conversation about adulting and talk about something that\u2019s pretty critical; and that is financial management. Do our kids, as they enter into adulthood, know how to manage their money?\u2014how to avoid debt?\u2014how to pay their bills? We\u2019re going to talk about all of that tomorrow. I hope you can be with us for that.\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. 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