{"id":300075,"date":"2019-03-07T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-03-07T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-burden-of-being-bullied\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:16","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:16","slug":"the-burden-of-being-bullied","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-burden-of-being-bullied\/","title":{"rendered":"The Burden of Being Bullied"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Author Jonathan McKee, known years ago as &#8220;Bucky Beaver&#8221; because of his prominent overbite, knows a thing or two about bullying. McKee was bullied throughout his school years and gives wise advice on how to handle the bullies in your child&#8217;s life. McKee recalls how the bullying affected him socially, even after he got his braces off, and remembers contemplating suicide. McKee talks honestly with parents about what to do if their child is being bullied.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Author Jonathan McKee knows a thing or two about bullying. McKee was bullied throughout his school years and gives wise advice on how to handle the bullies in your child&#8217;s life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-07.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:31:02","filesize":"28.41M","filesize_raw":"29793174","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2806],"tags":[4137,4139,4140,4138],"podcast_series":[7175],"cwp_profile":[3244],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300075","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-spiritual-development","tag-bullying","tag-contemplating-suicide","tag-how-parents-can-help-if-their-child-is-being-bullied","tag-how-to-handle-bullies","podcast_series-the-bullying-breakthrough","cwp_profile-jonathan-mckee","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300075\/the-burden-of-being-bullied","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300075\/the-burden-of-being-bullied","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"w2PbRGE0gR\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-burden-of-being-bullied\/\">The Burden of Being Bullied<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-burden-of-being-bullied\/embed\/#?secret=w2PbRGE0gR\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Burden of Being Bullied&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"w2PbRGE0gR\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Author Jonathan McKee knows a thing or two about bullying. McKee was bullied throughout his school years and gives wise advice on how to handle the bullies in your child's life.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-03-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Bullying in our day is a big deal, and Jonathan McKee says <em>every<\/em> child is affected in one way or another.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>This isn\u2019t just an issue affecting the kids that are being picked on or targeted every day; because there are kids, who are actually doing the picking on; and then there are those, who are standing by\u2014and man, it is <em>tough<\/em> for these kids\u2014because they\u2019re in a situation, where on the one hand they\u2019re thinking, \u201cI\u2019m glad it\u2019s not <em>me<\/em>\u201d; but on the other hand, you know, they\u2019re kind of weighing out: \u201cDo I <em>say<\/em> something? Do I just ignore them? What\u2019s the right thing to do?\u201d\n\nOur kids are either the bully, the bullied, or the bystander. The question I ask parents all the time is, \u201cWhich one\u2019s your kid?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Thursday, March 7<sup>th<\/sup>. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson; I'm Bob Lepine. When was the last time you had a conversation with your son or daughter about bullying? Do you know what\u2019s going on in their lives, in their school, among their friends? We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us.\n\nAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us. Did you see Bucky Beaver\u2019s picture, here, on the back of the book? Did you check this out?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That\u2019s low, man. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You have a different copy!\u2014you don\u2019t have a picture on the back of yours.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I have no picture. I\u2019m not up there on the\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I don\u2019t get it. What is that?\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Check that out\u2014see, Bucky Beaver, right there. I\u2019m not\u2014I didn\u2019t make that name up; did I?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>No; it\u2019s actually written on the back of the book.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>What? Wait! What is it?\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>This is the name he was called. Our author today used to be known as Bucky Beaver.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ohh!\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And you included a picture from what age?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>We did. That is either third or fourth grade; I can\u2019t even remember.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I think you\u2019re really cute.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Oh, thank you.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Honey, you\u2019re not supposed to say that to another man!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Oh.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>It\u2019s a face only a mother could love.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>This is my wife! [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That was the <em>mom<\/em> in her.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes\u2014third grade.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>The person that Ann thinks is cute is Jonathan McKee, who joins us again on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Oh, thanks for having me.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Jonathan is an author\/a speaker\u2014speaks primarily on issues that parents are facing with teenagers; right?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Absolutely; yes.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>You\u2019ve written a book called <em>The Bullying Breakthrough: Help for Parents and Teachers of the Bullied, Bystanders, and Bullies<\/em>. So it\u2019s both the bully and the bullied that you\u2019re wanting to address and those who are watching it happen.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; and that\u2019s the thing\u2014when I talk with parents today, you know, this isn\u2019t just an issue affecting the kids that are being picked on or targeted every day\u2014because there are kids, who are actually doing the picking on, and then there are those who are standing by\u2014and man, it is <em>tough<\/em> for these kids, because they\u2019re in a situation\u2014where on the one hand, they\u2019re thinking, \u201cI\u2019m glad it\u2019s not <em>me<\/em>\u201d; but on the other hand, you know, they\u2019re kind of weighing out: \u201cDo I <em>say<\/em> something? Do I just ignore them? What\u2019s the <em>right<\/em> thing to do?\u201d\n\nOur kids are either the bully, the bullied, or the bystander. The question I ask parents all the time is, \u201cWhich one\u2019s your kid?\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>And \u201cWhich one were you?\u201d\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; I was definitely the bullied\u2014started mostly when\u2014probably when my baby teeth had fallen out. Everything seemed fine; everything seemed normal; but when my big teeth grew in\u2014man! They just\u2014they never stopped!\u00a0 [Laughter] They just kept coming. It was a showstopper. I mean, it was one of those things where, when I walked in a room, people stared\u2014it was not like just a small overbite. That\u2019s why we included a picture on the back of the cover.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Wow. How old were you, Jonathan?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>It happened, you know, just when your big teeth come in; so\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; so like third grade?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; so, I mean, I\u2019ve heard it all. You know, it was tough. You get used to it, as a kid, but it was tough when you heard it from adults; because every once in a while, adults would say it. I had a coach\u2014and some kids were making fun of me. I can\u2019t even remember what I was going to say, but I was like: \u201cOh, yeah? Well, I can do something better than you!\u201d\u2014I was trying to come back with something. While I was thinking, the coach said: \u201cWhat?\u2014chew through wood?\u201d\u2014you know?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Ohh!\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Immediately, that just put this, you know, the proverbial \u201cKick me\u201d sign on my back. So yes; it was <em>tough<\/em>. The thing that I think most people don\u2019t talk about, when you endure ridicule all the time, is that\u2014it does something to you, socially. It changes you, because you become socially awkward. You\u2019re <em>skeptical<\/em> of people\u2014you think, \u201cThey\u2019re talking about me,\u201d or \u201cThey\u2019re thinking this\u2026\u201d Even when I got my teeth fixed, I was messed up.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That\u2019s why, in middle school, as I had started to get some braces and that kind of stuff, some of the kids who knew me, growing up, still called me those names\/still made fun of my teeth. But those were some rough years, and I remember to the point where I remember wanting to take my own life.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes; I mean, here you are\u2014it\u2019s on the back of your book\u2014those names. We\u2019re almost laughing about it; but in that moment of your life, it is <em>devastating<\/em>; right? I mean, how do you get to the point where you\u2019re ready to take your life?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Well, I mean, it graduated from when I was young\u2014it would be, you know, I\u2019d be in a grocery store; and the little kid in line behind me would be like, \u201cMom, what\u2019s wrong with his teeth?\u201d\u2014you know, every day I heard that. But when it got to these personal, aggressive attacks\u2014and it\u2019s funny, because that\u2019s the exact definition that the Center for Disease Control says about bullying\u2014they call it these aggressive, repeated attacks. When you see that, I was like: \u201cOh, I know what that looks like. I know what that <em>feels<\/em> like\u201d; because, <em>for me<\/em>\u2014you know, you hear people say, \u201cIgnore it.\u201d It\u2019s hard to ignore it when the whole class is laughing at you.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Did you share what was going on inside with anyone else?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>No; it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing; and it was one of those things where, also, being socially awkward\u2014like I had become\u2014I didn\u2019t know <em>how<\/em> to verbalize it. My parents\u2014they definitely heard it, because they\u2019d be in line at the grocery store with me and heard that; but by the time I was in middle school, they probably thought: \u201cOh, he has braces,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s over.\u201d\n\nIn eighth grade, I remember, there were these three guys who particularly were targeting me. They decided to start what they called the Kill Jon Club, and they put the initials KJC\u2014because maybe they were strategically smart enough to think, \u201cWe better not put the words, \u2018Kill Jon Club,\u2019 on the T-shirt that they actually wore to school. I <em>did<\/em> say something\u2014I actually said something to one of my eighth grade teachers\u2014I said, \u201cMan, they even made T-shirts.\u201d She goes, \u201cNo; they didn\u2019t.\u201d I was like, \u201cNo, no, no; they did!\u201d And she said: \u201cNo, no, no; they didn\u2019t. We need to go sit down.\u201d\n\nThere was a distrust [of authority]. I kind of thought, \u201cWell, maybe that was just my case\u201d; but as I was writing this book and I was interviewing people, who were also aggressively targeted like this, I started to hear the same stories and the same distrust for authority. Again and again, I heard them say, \u201cAnd I didn\u2019t tell <em>anybody<\/em>, because I knew it would only make it worse.\u201d\n\nThat\u2019s one of the <em>bizarre<\/em> things about this. I mean, when I went through this, as the parent with my son\u2014you know, the first thing I did was\u2014I went and talked to the principal. I said: \u201cHey, let me tell you some of the stuff that\u2019s going on. Here\u2019s what some of these kids said\u2026\u201d I wish had a video camera set up, watching this meeting; because as I said all this stuff, she sat and listened; and then she got up and she says, \u201cLet me show you something.\u201d She started to give me a tour of the campus; and she said, \u201cLet me show you this.\u201d She showed me all these posters that said, \u201cThis is a bully-free zone,\u201d and she started showing me how safe her campus was.\n\nThe more and more people I interviewed, the more I heard the same story, which is, \u201cI said something, and they didn\u2019t do a <em>thing<\/em>.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>This may seem like a strange question; but if you went back to fifth grade, Jonathan, what was the self-talk in your head? What were the things you heard in your head about yourself?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Well, I mean, the thing I felt more than anything else\u2014and the thing that I keep hearing from others in the same situation\u2014is just: \u201cI felt so alone.\u201d I was being kind of an awkward kid and kid who kept to myself. I actually really love music. I played piano at the time, and I wrote some songs. My kids found these songs I had written, and I had kind of forgot. I actually put the lyrics to some of them in the book; but I mean, there were some\u2014and it was just like, you know: \u201cAlone I\u2019m sitting, nobody caring; nobody cares about me.\u201d You know, there\u2019s this line about, \u201cThis life isn\u2019t wanted; I might as well take it.\u201d I even was\u2014I was like, \u201cWow.\u201d You know, I recalled writing those lyrics, but I kind of forgot\u2014I just felt so alone.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>When I was in the fifth grade, I was at a school social. We were outside, and there was a girl that everyone knew of\u2014that was a bully. She was in the eighth grade; she was a bigger girl, and she was <em>mean<\/em>. I happened to walk along the side of the school, and she was punching a little second-grader. He was lying on the ground, crying.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I was with my friend, fifth-grader, and I was a gymnast. I thought I was really strong. I was so <em>enraged<\/em> that I went up to this girl and I said: \u201cYou will not pick on this boy! If you want to fight somebody, you fight me!\u201d I thought, \u201cI\u2019m going to take her out!\u201d This girl punched me in the face, and I fell down\u2014like, almost knocked me out! I remember I started crying, and I didn\u2019t really cry. She walked away and said: \u201cYes; you try that again. You try protecting somebody, because I\u2019ll always come after <em>you<\/em>.\u201d I felt this fear in my heart\u2014I never shared it with one person, because of my embarrassment\/my shame.\n\nI think a lot of kids feel that\u2014they\u2019re embarrassed; they\u2019re full of shame. How, as parents, do we <em>draw<\/em> that out of them? Are there questions we can ask? What\u2019s that look like?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; that\u2019s a great question. First of all, I commend you for actually having the guts to stand up to someone\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014or stupidity!\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; because as a bystander, a typical reaction is, \u201cMan, I don\u2019t want to do anything.\u201d But, you know, you just learned the lesson the hard way that a bully is much tougher on you than the uneven parallel bars; so\u2014[Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, that never went away with her, by the way.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>She still jumps in the middle of everything! [Laughter] Most of the time, she throws people around, including me; but I mean, that is her. I tend to be the bystander.\n\nI\u2019m thinking back, even, through my years of either bullying people or just being the one that just stood there and watched. I read your book and I go, \u201cOh my gosh.\u201d You know, you\u2019re right; we\u2019re one of those three: being the bully, or being the bullied, or just standing there. I thought: \u201cMan, what does the bystander do?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cHow do they step out of that? How do you make the difference?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Well, wait. I want him, first, to go back to the parents.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Okay; let\u2019s get in a fight about this. [Laughter] I want you to\u2026\u2014No; answer her first.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; absolutely.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>How do we draw that out of our kids?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>I\u2019m glad you asked that; because the key is so often we jump straight to the fixes; right?\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>We jump straight to, \u201cOkay; well, here\u2019s what we\u2019re going to do\u2026\u201d\u2014you know? But when we rush and do that, our kid just feels like, \u201cHey, you\u2019re just trying to fix me.\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Wow.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>It has to start with that empathy. It has to start with that\u2014just listening\u2014kind of think of it, as a parent, as saying: \u201cOkay; I\u2019m going to make sure that, this first time that we talk about this, I\u2019m not going to react. I\u2019m going to put it off and try to wait until the second or third conversation before we actually start thinking about some of these fixes.\u201d\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>We had a policy, especially with teenagers, that said, \u201cNo matter what they say, don\u2019t freak out.\u201d We\u2019d look at each other like: \u201cDon\u2019t freak out!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t freak out!\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>We would freak out in the other room, <em>later<\/em>\u2014\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014like: \u201cOh my! Are you kidding me?!\u201d\n\nBut you\u2019re right\u2014in the moment, it\u2019s like, \u201cJust look at them; listen\u2014\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014\u201ctry to let them draw it out and talk,\u201d\u2014is what you\u2019re saying; right?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>And so is a good question, just bringing up the topic of bullying and: \u201cHave you ever experienced that or <em>seen<\/em> that?\u201d\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>It\u2019s a great way to introduce it, because the <em>key<\/em> is dialogue here. This isn\u2019t monologue. Dialogue takes two people, and it really should involve <em>them<\/em> talking and us listening. Most of these kids don\u2019t feel <em>heard<\/em>.\n\nSadly, as moms and dads, very often, get into a situation\u2014the first thing we want to do is we want to go and talk their ears off. Well, that doesn\u2019t help the situation at all. [Laughter] I was the king of that\u2014you\u2019d think I should have known better. But we need to <em>create<\/em> these arenas, where our kids feel safe\u2014these places where they feel noticed and heard. That could start at the dinner table with something as simple as no tech at the table\u2014where screens aren\u2019t there; where Dad isn\u2019t looking at his phone because \u201cIt\u2019s important, because work might call,\u201d\u2014you know. We just are in dialogue and in conversation. As we create that safe place, where kids feel like they <em>can<\/em> talk about something without Mom or Dad freaking out, then that\u2019s going to be able to, all of a sudden, pave the way for some of these conversations.\n\nBut there definitely are some signs we can notice that might hint towards, \u201cHey, perhaps my kid is being picked on.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Things like?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>This is all about self-esteem. So much of young people being picked on is because they\u2019re actually being picked on by somebody else, who feels worse about themselves. That definition I told you about\u2014from the Center for Disease Control\u2014there are three factors\u2014you can almost look at them like checkboxes: there\u2019s that aggressive; there\u2019s that repeated part I talked about; but the other part is a power play. It\u2019s these aggressive, repeated power plays; and it\u2019s because someone doesn\u2019t feel good about themselves; so they think, \u201cHey, if I can bring this other person <em>down<\/em>, it will lift <em>me<\/em> up a little higher,\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201con that scale there.\u201d\n\nSo, what ends up happening is\u2014this is <em>all<\/em> about self-esteem all around. As our kids aren\u2019t feeling good about themselves, this is something we can kind of look for a little bit. We might hear subtle phrases out of them, like\u2014you know, a mom could be sitting down with her daughter and, \u201cHey;\u201d\u2014you know\u2014\u201cyou want to wear these shorts tomorrow?\u201d \u201cI don\u2019t want them because my legs look fat in those shorts,\u201d\u2014and then think\u2014\u201cWell, where did she get this?\u201d\n\nNow, I know there are some people that are saying, \u201cJonathan, how can we possibly notice low self-esteem in a world where self-esteem right now is the lowest it\u2019s been in decades?\u201d and they\u2019re right; it is. Everything has changed. In the last six or seven years, literally, every expert out there is scratching their head, trying to figure out why we\u2019re seeing unprecedented rises in depression, in teen suicide,\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014anxiety.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>\u2014anxiety\u2014you name it\u2014across the board. In every single one of these conversations, the word, \u201csmartphone,\u201d comes into play; because if you think about this, six or seven years ago is when America crossed the 50 percent mark\u2014it was 2012\u2014for carrying these devices in our pockets. These devices are nothing but a real-time barometer of self-esteem. They tell us exactly how popular we are\/how liked we are. If somebody says, \u201cHow many friends do you have?\u201d you have to pull out your device and tell them a number; because it\u2019s represented by a number. Because of this, we\u2019re walking around\u2014and no matter how popular\u2014we could be the most popular person on campus, but we don\u2019t look as good as Kylie Jenner, or as popular as Adam Levine, and\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I mean, it\u2019s just comparison, comparison, comparison.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Absolutely.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>I hate it\u2014as a preacher, I hate it; because I used to be good. [Laughter] People would come up to me and say, \u201cYou\u2019re really good.\u201d Now they\u2019re like, \u201cYou\u2019re not as good as this guy\u2026\u201d\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>\u201cYou\u2019re not as good as Tim Keller.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Exactly!\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; I mean, that\u2019s the thing; and Tim is pretty good. [Laughter]\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nBut the thing is\u2014so we already live in this world where self-esteem is at an all-time low. But if we notice some of these subtleties\u2014if we notice our kids making comments, they\u2019ve heard them from somewhere\u2014now, they might have heard them from these devices; and that\u2019s something we probably definitely should spend some time talking about it, because it\u2019s a <em>huge<\/em> part of cyber-bullying.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes; get to the question Dave was asking about the bystander; because Ann was a bystander and she intervened. If I\u2019m with my kids and I\u2019m saying, \u201cYou know, if you ever see bullying\u2026\u201d do you intervene? Do you go tell a grown-up? What\u2019s the right response for somebody who observes bullying?\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>That\u2019s a great question, and I think our kids feel trapped; because, you know, they feel like: \u201cWell, what am I going to do? If I do this, I could be the next one being targeted.\u201d This is why it\u2019s so important for us\u2014as parents, and teachers, and as caring adults\u2014to have conversations with our kids about this stuff; because a lot of our kids are bystanders, and they <em>don\u2019t<\/em> know what to do. If we dialogue about what this <em>can<\/em> look like\u2014and believe it or not\u2014we can go to Scripture and talk about this. This is Philippians 2, you know, considering others better than ourselves\u2014you know, not looking at our own interests, but the interests of <em>others<\/em>.\n\nWhen we see Christ, who modeled this more than anyone else, some of the best things we can do is do what Jesus did\u2014where, when Jesus walked into a town and everybody looked at some short guy in a tree, and literally it\u2019s like his political consultants were like: \u201cJesus, that guy up there? You don\u2019t want to dialogue with him, because he\u2019s quite unpopular right now. He\u2019s actually ripped off <em>every<\/em> single person in the audience here; so whatever You do, don\u2019t dialogue with him.\u201d That\u2019s when Jesus said: \u201cHey, Zach; let\u2019s do lunch!\u2014yes? Can we do lunch?\u201d He sat down with this guy, who everybody hated; and we don\u2019t even get to hear what He talked about. All we know is\u2014when He meets with this guy and just hangs out with this guy for lunch, next thing that happens is this guy goes: \u201cMan, I messed up. I have to change. I\u2019m going to repay everybody. I\u2019m\u2026\u201d So Jesus, just <em>sitting<\/em> with this guy\u2014\n\nIf we can talk with our kids constantly about what it means to not just look after our own interests\u2014and by the way, we\u2019re really good at that. As a matter of fact, I work with middle-school kids. Whenever you\u2019re walking to the car with middle-school kids\u2014I love it\u2014because whenever the car\u2019s in sight, middle-school kids instinctively will yell, \u201cShotgun!\u201d\u2014right? That\u2019s the thing they yell.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Sure.\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Well, you\u2019ve never heard a middle-school kid say, \u201cShotgun for <em>you<\/em>,\u201d\u2014you know? I mean, they just don\u2019t think about this; you know? [Laughter] This is one of those things where, all of a sudden, we can talk with our kids about thinking about what it means and what it <em>looks<\/em> like to actually consider someone else <em>better<\/em> than ourselves.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>And then taking the next step, because it\u2019s a mindset\u2014Philippians 2: \u201cothers more important than me\u201d; Jesus\u2019 mindset modeled that for us\u2014and yet, we talk all the time about a real man\u2014one of the pillars of manhood, and I think it\u2019s womanhood as well\u2014is: \u201cReject passivity.\u201d\n\nIt\u2019s so easy, as a bystander in any situation, to be passive\/to just stand there. Yet\u2014I\u2019ve tried to instill this in my sons\u2014I want to be that man that says: \u201cWait, wait, wait. I\u2019m going to be the guy that <em>defends<\/em> the helpless\/that <em>defends<\/em> the one getting bullied\u201d; and yet, you\u2019re standing there.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>\u2014or even look for them.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes!\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>I was thinking, too, it\u2019s almost keeping an eye on the world around you to notice who\u2019s not being noticed\/who\u2019s sitting alone. I think that is hard with middle-schoolers and high-schoolers, because they\u2019re looking at themselves.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, and here\u2019s where I wish\u2014we didn\u2019t do this\u2014but I wish, as a parent, I had been more proactive.\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Me too.\n\n<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Rather than waiting for it to happen, I wish I\u2019d sat down with my kids, before they went to school for the first time\u2014whether that\u2019s kindergarten or if you homeschool them for a few years and then you put them in\u2014just know that the school environment is going to be an environment that\u2019s going to invite ridicule as kids try to jockey for who\u2019s popular and who fits where.\n\nI wish I\u2019d sat down and said: \u201cLook, you can expect this. This will likely happen to you or your friends, and here\u2019s why it\u2019s happening: because there are kids, who feel bad about themselves and they\u2019re trying to make themselves feel better,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s how you can respond when it does happen,\u201d and \u201cHere\u2019s how you can respond when it\u2019s happening to somebody else.\u201d Coach and be proactive; so that, when it happens to a kid, they go, \u201cDad told me this was going to happen.\u201d\n\n<strong>Jonathan: <\/strong>Yes; it\u2019s almost like you\u2019re giving them <em>eyes<\/em> as they walk into the school, like: \u201cI should be looking for this. This is the heart of God.\u201d\n\nThe funny thing is\u2014I say that about our kids. I\u2019m thinking we should do the same thing\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u201cEverywhere we go, our eyes should be like, \u2018Where is God sending <em>me<\/em> to be a person that can <em>help<\/em> someone that\u2019s getting bullied in whatever way?\u2019 That is my call, as a follower of Christ; I want to stand up and defend.\u201d\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Strategies like we\u2019re talking about here are what you have for us in the book, <em>The Bullying Breakthrough<\/em>, which is a book that we have in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. You can go, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com to get your copy; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY for more information. Again, the book is called <em>The Bullying Breakthrough: Real Help for Parents and Teachers of the Bullied, the Bystanders, and the Bullies<\/em>. It\u2019s written by our guest, Jonathan McKee. Order from us, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call to order: 1-800-FL-TODAY\u2014that\u2019s 1-800-358-6329\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nNow, Monday night, the 11<sup>th<\/sup>, we\u2019re planning a get-together\u2014that is, Dave and Ann and me. We\u2019re going to get together with those of you, who are FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> Legacy Partners\u2014those of you who help make this daily radio program possible. We want to introduce all of you to Dave and Ann\u2014get a chance for you to interact. In fact, that\u2019s one of the things we love about these calls\u2014is that it\u2019s two-way. We get a chance to talk, back and forth, with you and to answer questions, and to interact a little bit.\n\nIf you are a Legacy Partner, you should have already received an email inviting you to be a part of this get-together on Monday night. You can do that on your phone, or you can do that by video. The link\u2014all the information is available in the email that we\u2019ve sent to you.\n\nIf you\u2019re a regular <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listener, and you\u2019d like to join in on the call, we\u2019d love to have you join us as a Legacy Partner. We\u2019d love to have you become part of the team that makes <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> possible in your community and in cities all across the country and around the world. That\u2019s what you\u2019re doing as a Legacy Partner\u2014you\u2019re helping expand the reach of this program so that more people, more regularly, can receive practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and for their family\u2014things like we\u2019ve talked about today on bullying.\n\nTo become a Legacy Partner is easy. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com to sign up, or call 1-800-FLTODAY. As a special incentive, if you\u2019d like to become a new Legacy Partner, we\u2019d love to say, \u201cThank you,\u201d by sending you a gift card so that you and your spouse, or someone you know, can attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. The gift card is our thank-you gift to you when you sign up to become a new Legacy Partner. Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We\u2019ll see all of you Legacy Partners Monday night for our phone call get-together.\n\nNow, before we\u2019re all done here today, the President of FamilyLife, David Robbins, is here with us with some thoughts on bullying; right, David?\n\n<strong>David: <\/strong>Yes; as a parent of teenagers and pre-teens, if you\u2019re like me at all\u2014I\u2019m thinking about my kids! Stepping into this feels vital and urgent, while also a little scary. I\u2019m wondering, \u201cHave I had enough conversations?\u201d I try to have open dialogues; but yet, I think there is more that I can do.\n\nWhat I\u2019ve heard today, again and again\u2014the importance for our kids\u2014and really, all of us are asking these questions\u2014is them knowing, and they\u2019re asking the questions themselves: \u201cAm I really known?\u201d and \u201cAm I really cared for?\u201d They want someone to lovingly connect with them. Those questions are continually answered by Jesus having taken on flesh and coming down to this earth. We are not alone. He knows our experiences as intimately as we know them ourselves, and He carries and cares for the burdens that we have. Here\u2019s what we must remember\u2014Jesus says we\u2019re not alone; we are not abandoned. We have a friend that sticks closer than a brother.\n\nThe action point for me today, as a dad, is to go talk to my 12-year-old and ask him, \u201cAre you experiencing any of these things?\u201d It\u2019s taking Jonathan\u2019s advice to start a dialogue around some of the articles that are on his website\u2014to have that third-person voice in the conversation.\n\n<strong>Bob: <\/strong>Well, again, we have a link to those articles on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com.\n\nAnd tomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about cyber-bullying with Jonathan McKee. I hope our listeners can join us back for that.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\n<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\n\n1","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300075","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300075"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300075"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300075"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300075"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300075"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300075"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300075"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}