{"id":300043,"date":"2019-02-05T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-02-05T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating\/"},"modified":"2025-04-21T17:00:21","modified_gmt":"2025-04-21T21:00:21","slug":"whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating\/","title":{"rendered":"What&#8217;s Wrong With Missionary Dating?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Deepak Reju talks about what happens when Christian women date men who aren&#8217;t believers. Reju delves into the reasons why it&#8217;s not wise to be unequally yoked, and why Christians are to only marry in the Lord.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Deepak Reju talks about what happens when Christian women date men who aren&#8217;t believers. Reju delves into the reasons why it&#8217;s not wise to be unequally yoked, and why Christians are to only marry in the Lord.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-02-05.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.82M","filesize_raw":"23923360","date_recorded":"2019-02-05 12:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2856,2817],"tags":[4018,4084,2926,4085],"podcast_series":[7166],"cwp_profile":[8801],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300043","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adult-children","category-choosing-a-spouse","tag-dating","tag-settling-for-an-unbeliever","tag-singles","tag-unequally-yoked","podcast_series-shes-got-the-wrong-guy","cwp_profile-deepak-reju","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300043\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300043\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Qbhhrt2hvq\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating\/\">What&#8217;s Wrong With Missionary Dating?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/whats-wrong-with-missionary-dating\/embed\/#?secret=Qbhhrt2hvq\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What&#8217;s Wrong With Missionary Dating?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Qbhhrt2hvq\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-02-05.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-02-05.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you were thinking seriously about marrying someone and that person said to you \u201cThere are a few parts of my past that I\u2019d just like to keep hidden from you until after we\u2019re married,\u201d\u2014would you be willing to go forward knowing that? Here\u2019s Deepak Reju.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> In advising singles as they have those conversations about engagement, and potentially getting engaged and getting married, we have categories of conversations they need to have before they put the ring on the finger. One of them is the foolishness from their past. They need to have an honest conversation about what things that they\u2019ve done, so you know the person you\u2019re marrying. No surprises in marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, February 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey. I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today about how to be smart during your dating years so that you don\u2019t wind up in a marriage that is full of all kinds of surprises. Deepak Reju joins us. Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.<\/p>\n<p>If you had a daughter who was still single\u2014One of your daughters stayed single into her early thirties, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. It was a big deal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> It was a big\u2014were you coaching her on what she needed to do and not do, and how not to settle? What advice were you giving her\u2014as a father\u2014along the way?<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was praying for her. I was putting my arm around her, telling her to hang in there\u2014that not all the good guys are taken\u2014and it turned out I was right. [Laughter] They\u2019ve now been married two years and have had a great start to their marriage\u2014because she didn\u2019t settle\u2014she didn\u2019t lower her standards.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Were there times along the way when you wondered if she was going to lower the bar and dive in?<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh yes, like the guy she was dating\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this. She lived near Washington D.C. at the time and I met this guy. I asked him about their relationship. I didn\u2019t really put it to him about are you making any kind of commitments. I just said, \u201cWhat are you thinking about this relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were asking for a DTR.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, I really wasn\u2019t because at that age you have to be careful with your daughter.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You do have to be careful, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But he said, \u201cWell, I just kind of want the relationship to be organic. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I thought, \u201cI think vegetables are organic not human beings.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to spray some pesticide on this relationship real quick.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s funny now. We have a counselor with us\u2014a <em>biblical<\/em> counselor\u2014a <em>pastoral<\/em> biblical counselor from Washington D.C. Deepak Reju joins us again on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m impressed you came back after yesterday. We threw you some really tough hot potatoes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, glad to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is the author of <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy <\/em>subtitled<em> Why Smart Women <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> <em>Settle<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> <em>Settle<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Some people just dropped out of their chair when they heard that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> <em>Why Smart Women Settle<\/em>. Why they lower the bar. I\u2019ve got some areas I want to talk about today. I\u2019m going to tell you what they are. Number one, I want you to talk to women who are dating men who are not Christians. Not right now; in a minute. Secondly, talk to women who are dating men who are new believers\u2014new followers of Christ\u2014and what your concerns or warnings might be for them. Third\u2014women who are dating men who are pressuring them sexually\u2014how should they handle that\u2014because that\u2019s become normative in the single culture it seems to me across the country. Alright, let\u2019s go back to the first one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Okay, so women who are dating unbelievers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the problem\u2014a lot of women will <em>choose<\/em> what we\u2019ll call \u201cevangedating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I had not heard that. [Laughter] We called it missionary dating when I was in college.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, evangedating\u2014which means you\u2019re mixing evangelism with dating. That\u2019s a problem because it confuses your evangelism <em>and<\/em> your feelings for the guy. It becomes hard to decipher. Am I there to just get him converted so that I actually can have a husband? That\u2019s her side. On his side, do I need to convert in order to get the girl? So that the scary part about that is if he does profess faith, is he doing it for himself\u2014or is he doing it because he knows this is what I need to do to get the girl. Whether it\u2019s the parents who are saying this\u2014she is saying this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We had a dear friend\u2014one of my wife\u2019s closest friends\u2014who had gone into her 30\u2019s and hadn\u2019t gotten married and her husband had met her at their place of employment. She appropriately\u2014after he had expressed an interest\u2014invited him to church. So he comes, and he hears\u2014it was on the prophets\u2014the sermon is on the minor prophets. He hears three weeks of judgment. One of the signs that this might have been real is he loved it, actually\u2014it didn\u2019t scare him away.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of her answering all of his questions, she helped him get into a relationship with a man in the church who started mentoring him\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Great.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u2014getting in the Word with him\u2014leading him to Christ. But here is the key\u2014like after he professed faith, was he then just going to focus on the girl? He got past the finish line. He\u2019s now going to pursue her towards marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Or am I seeing him actually engage with other men\u2014attending the church\u2014studying the Bible for himself? Or am I seeing a drop-off? He professes faith. He takes a shower. He comes to church with me, but that\u2019s it. That\u2019s enough to get across the altar.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Deepak, we\u2019ve done some broadcasts here on FamilyLife Today on the topic of spiritually mismatched couples. I think that\u2019s really the result of someone who may have got caught up in a dating relationship with someone who wasn\u2019t a follower of Christ, fell in love with them. Then quote unquote got them converted. Then they moved into the marriage and then, the wife finds out he\u2019s not in the same spiritual game that she\u2019s in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Oh yes. How many stories have I heard where it\u2019s a young woman who had met a guy\u2014say at work or at a party or something.<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s a non-Christian, yet he expresses interest. He\u2019s kind to her. He cares for her well. They have a fun time together. He\u2019s attractive and none of the guys at church are expressing any interest in her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> So she immediately feels the pull of \u201cFinally, here\u2019s a guy.\u201d And yet all the things about him are at least half decent. Then she gets into the relationship and over the course of time she grows emotionally attached.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to say half decent is not a reason to get married.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Okay, well that\u2019s right. [Laughter] What you\u2019ll see is she gets emotionally attached to him and all the things she\u2019d always thought she\u2019d do\u2014marry a Christian man, establish a Christian home, raise children in their faith\u2014they start to compromise all of that. You start being willing to let go of things\u2014especially as that emotional attachment gets stronger and stronger and stronger. Some of your convictions you\u2019re willing to begin to let slide so that\u2014you know the evangedating is dreadful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve got a friend who says if it\u2019s clear in Scripture\u20141 Corinthians 7:39\u2014where it speaks about only marrying in the Lord. Everybody quotes 2 Corinthians 6, being unequally yoked, as <em>the<\/em> main text for this conversation\u2014and it is\u2014it\u2019s a part of the conversation. Yet when you look at what apostle Paul is doing in that text, he\u2019s primarily talking about\u2014in 2 Corinthians 6\u2014about the false teachers who are going against the church and talking about false alliances we have with unbelievers.<\/p>\n<p>So a secondary implication of that text is not being paired with an unbelieving man\u2014so unequally yoked\u2014 Picture two animals who are yoked\u2014that harness that\u2019s on them and they\u2019re both pulling the plow. Can a cow pull the plow, or an ox, with a rabbit? [Laughter] No, that doesn\u2019t work! You can just picture that. That\u2019s not the way it\u2019s supposed to work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well even if it\u2019s a strong ox with a wounded or a weak ox, you\u2019re going to be plowing in circles for a long time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, so that text helps us to see\u2014you\u2019re not supposed to be unequally yoked\u2014but 1 Corinthians 7:39 just makes it really clear\u2014you\u2019re <em>only to marry in the Lord<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s true but a lot of single women right now are going to be saying \u201cThere are no Christian guys who are expressing interest in me. So this is my best chance at this\u2014to evangedate\u2014to go ahead and try to convince a non-Christian man what he needs to believe so that I can finely get married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Deepak, I have sat across the table from young women in these relationships and I have said to them \u201cI want you to imagine. It\u2019s five years into the future and you\u2019re married and you have kids\u2014and you want to take them to church. Your husband says \u2018Fine, I\u2019m not going.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I want you to imagine that\u2019s your experience week in and week out and just say, \u201cAre you going to be okay with that\u2014because that\u2019s what the trajectory you\u2019ve got going on here is.\u201d And it does help them\u2014I think\u2014to forecast what that unequal yoking is going to be like if they pursue this relationship, and the bitter fruit that\u2019s going to come from that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, yes, and so every time she pulls out of the parking lot and drives to church with her children by herself\u2014every time she has to open up the Bible and read to them where her husbands in the other room without any interest\u2014every time she feels like she wants to have a good conversation with her kids about an issue and yet her husband is not leading spiritually in the family. She doesn\u2019t <em>see<\/em> those implications. And yet, we\u2019ve seen them\u2014time and time again\u2014where you make that choice now, you shouldn\u2019t be surprised.<\/p>\n<p>Now I\u2019m going to have some women who will come to me and say \u201cWell the ends justify the means. I can point to the one situation where\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014where it worked.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u2014where it worked,\u201d and said, \u201cThat\u2019s going to be me.\u201d I said, \u201cThere\u2019s no way I can guarantee that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u201cThere\u2019s no way you can guarantee that that\u2019s going to be the case.\u201d More often than not, it\u2019s the other way just like you described, Bob, where the guy is not showing the spiritual leadership that she needs to raise a Christian family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s not what single women, ultimately, are looking for.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk about the second question, okay? You believe it\u2019s dangerous to begin seriously dating a new believer. The way I would say it is \u201cSingle women need to be aware and have knowledge of a spiritual track record of the young man they\u2019re dating. It\u2019s <em>very<\/em> important.\u201d Somebody has said \u201cThe best measure of what a man can do is what a man has done.\u201d Single women need to take heed and be careful about dating new believers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, well the track record is really important because that history is going to tell you a lot about who it is you\u2019re marrying.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The disparity between often a mature Christian woman and that young believer is going to show up quickly in a marriage. Because here it is, we\u2019re asking men to lead in their families yet if you choose to marry a brand-new convert, he\u2019s still trying to figure out what Christianity is, and how to actually be a faithful Christian. Yet he\u2019s faced with all kinds of important decisions.<\/p>\n<p>It wouldn\u2019t be surprising that a young woman gets frustrated because she\u2019s grown up in the faith. Maybe she grew up in a Christian home\u2014maybe she\u2019s been in the Bible for years and she understands what a mature decision would look like\u2014and yet she\u2019s tied herself to a man who isn\u2019t wise enough yet to make that mature decision\u2014because he just hasn\u2019t had a chance to grow up in the faith.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So what\u2019s that look like? How many years does a man need to be a follower of Christ? What should a woman be looking for in terms of experience of the young man?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well she should be looking for a guy who is converted\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014a guy who is committed to studying the Word, to being discipled, to be committed to a local church\u2014all those things set a right trajectory. But the struggle with dating a guy who\u2019s a brand-new convert is he hasn\u2019t fallen in love Jesus. He hasn\u2019t had time enough to do that\u2014to get his bearings\u2014yet to know then how to lead someone else in falling in love with Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>So William\u2014who was a brand-new convert in our church\u2014he\u2019d had a radical conversion. He\u2019d had a difficult past behind that and as he\u2019s coming to our church, he takes an interest in Lauren. Lauren\u2019s a godly woman. She\u2019s in campus ministry. She\u2019s actually having a very fruitful evangelistic ministry on campus.<\/p>\n<p>So William goes to his discipling mentor and asks, \u201cCan I date Lauren?\u201d This is very early on in his conversion. His mentor said \u201cNot yet\u2014six months. Six months you need to focus on your relationship with Christ.<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You need to dig into the Word. Be faithful at church. Get discipled. You need to get some grounding before you can take care of someone else.\u201d So\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now wait. Are you telling me at your church I\u2019ve got to get permission from somebody to date somebody else?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, no, no, no. It\u2019s not permission. [Laughter] It\u2019s not permission.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> It\u2019s not permission, but it wouldn\u2019t be surprising that if you have an older godly mentor who you trust\u2014who\u2019s been pouring into you\u2014you\u2019re going to go to him and say, \u201cIs this a wise decision?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I want. I don\u2019t want singles out there trying to figure it out on their own. If they\u2019re a part of a church, they want older people who are in the faith, who they trust, to actually help them sort through these decisions. So six months to the day when William went to Mark and asked, \u201cCan I date her?\u201d and he said, \u201cWait six months.\u201d he returned and said, \u201cCan I do it now?\u201d And he said \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Because William had done exactly that\u2014he had come to church, he\u2019d been in the Word, he grew up in his faith. Six months isn\u2019t <em>the<\/em> marker, but the point is William had to take some time to grow up in his faith before he could take responsibility for somebody else.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love the wisdom of that story and what it points out in a young man. And if a young lady has a guy like that pursuing her, you\u2019re likely close to finding the right guy. I mean there\u2019s no way to guarantee what\u2019s going to happen in a marriage relationship\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but someone who shows that kind of wisdom prior to asking the question and making the commitment, it\u2019s a big deal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said to young women before \u201cYou need to know if his love for Jesus is still there if you\u2019re not in the picture.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because I\u2019ve met the guys who are like \u201cNo, I am spiritually interested. I like the church and all of this,\u201d but in the back of their mind it\u2019s like \u201cWhat I really like is you.\u201d It\u2019s pretty clear to me. I remember when I met my girlfriend who is now my wife.<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She was more spiritually mature than I was\u2014it was pretty clear. We had our first face to face conversation and I said to her \u201cSo, tell me about guys you\u2019ve dated\u201d\u2014which I shouldn\u2019t have been asking on the first date but, anyway, it wasn\u2019t\u2019 a date. We were just talking. She said, \u201cThere was this one guy, but you know\u201d she said, \u201che just did not lead the relationship spiritually.\u201d I said to her, \u201cOh yes, that\u2019s too bad.\u201d I\u2019m thinking to myself, \u201cI have no idea what that means, [Laughter] what she just said. But it\u2019s clear\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But I know I\u2019m going to find out!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to figure that out if I want any\u2014\" You know what\u2014it put a challenge in me. I had to figure this out. But I could have just as easily been one of these \u201cOh yes, yes\u201d and had her snowed by a false attraction to Jesus that was really just an attraction to say, \u201cIf this is the guy you want me to be for the next six months, I\u2019ll do this and then I\u2019ll revert back to the old patterns after we\u2019re married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes. Well, so that story I told earlier about the young woman whose boyfriend had come and heard the judgment sermons and converted, at some point as they\u2019re dating, she said to me \u201cHow do I know that this is the real thing?\u201d I said \u201cWell only the Lord knows his heart, but we can ask him some questions. So go to him and ask him \u2018If I die today, what are you going to be doing in five years in your spiritual life?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And he said, \u201cThis relationship with Jesus is not because of you.\u201d He said, \u201cIn five years, I\u2019m going to be in this church. I\u2019m going to be growing in faith. I\u2019m going to be trusting the Lord. So if you want to come along that\u2019s fine.\u201d That gave her a lot more confidence to say \u201cOkay, it\u2019s not just about me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s go to the\u2014we\u2019ve got to get to the third question. What about the young lady who is dating a guy and he is all about sex?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Get rid of him right now! Just do not do that! So here it is\u2014we <em>know<\/em> that God\u2019s Word is clear about premarital sex.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Is what He said clear Bob? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think, I think\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Would you like to interpret what he just said?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can delete his\u2014you can unfriend him on Facebook. You can delete his number from your phone and block all the text messages, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> So here it is\u2014that guy is already showing that he is not willing to live by God\u2019s Word.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Because premarital sex is really clear in the Bible that that\u2019s wrong. If a guy is going to keep leading you into sin, why would you stay with him? Because that\u2019s going to be no different when you get into marriage\u2014in terms of the kind of leadership he\u2019s going to demonstrate. The thing we need to keep in mind is the compromises that a man will make in dating, it shouldn\u2019t be surprising that you\u2019re going to find those same kind of compromises\u2014either that or something else within marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, in fact, you\u2019re probably going to find those compromises multiplied in marriage because we put on our best behavior when we\u2019re dating. Once we\u2019re married, it\u2019s like \u201cNow I can show the real me because you\u2019re stuck with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So whatever you\u2019re seeing the tip of now, the iceberg is underneath it, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, and so there\u2019s going to be some single women right now who are in that relationship who are struggling with that. The first and foremost thing I want to say is that\u2014if you\u2019ve struggled with premarital sex and you feel guilt and shame over that\u2014Jesus has forgiven you. You can come to the cross and\u2014right now\u2014the blood of Christ can wash away all that sin.<\/p>\n<p>You do not have to persist in compromising your relationship in order to keep the guy\u2014which is one of these lies that women can hold on to: \u201cIf I don\u2019t actually participate in a sexual relationship with this guy, he\u2019s not going to stick around.\u201d Well that\u2019s not the kind of guy you want to keep for the rest of your life!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, I want to say a word to the women\u2014single women who are being pressured right now. Listen to me. Deepak has given you some great advice.<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The reason is a man who doesn\u2019t know how to serve you by denying himself before marriage, will not know how\u2014after marriage\u2014to give up himself for his wife <em>after<\/em> marriage.<\/p>\n<p>The nature of the cross of Jesus Christ is surrender\u2014it is death to self. And you know what? <em>That<\/em> is the key to a great marriage. It\u2019s two imperfect people who have surrendered to the One who will teach them how to love, how to forgive, and how to go the distance in a marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>This is one of the hours we spend at the Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway where singles, pre-marrieds come and get advice from our speakers. I think one of the needs is to be able to present a standard, with compassion\u2014talking about the forgiveness of Christ\u2014that we are washed clean by Him. But there still is a standard, and it\u2019s really important, and it is going to impact your future. If nothing else, someday your kids may ask.<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Can we say to encouragement for the single women who are living by the standard and fighting for it. Don\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Because all the pressure of the culture is pressing in on you right now to actually give up that standard. And yet that\u2019s a beautiful thing in the eyes of God.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me say to the guys who want to get a copy of your book, <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy<\/em> and I\u2019m saying the guys. Don\u2019t you agree?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because guys would really do well to read this book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I think the daddies of the daughters and the daddies of the guys need to get a copy of the book and go over it with your son or the young man who is dating your daughter.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and look for <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle<\/em> by Deepak Reju. Or you can call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The tollfree number\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d Look for the book, <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>By the way, when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014today is the first day we officially have on sale the DVD of the movie, <em>Like Arrows\u00ae,<\/em> that FamilyLife had in theaters last year. The movie is now available for purchase as a DVD. It\u2019s also available for online streaming. There\u2019s information about how you can order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or you can go to where movies are sold.<\/p>\n<p><em>Like Arrows<\/em> is in Walmart\u00ae. <em>Like Arrows<\/em> is in Christian retailers. It\u2019s available online wherever you do your online shopping. So look for <em>Like Arrows<\/em> on our website or get a copy the next time you\u2019re at Walmart or out at the Christian bookstore.<\/p>\n<p>You know the movie is something that we made in conjunction with the Art of Parenting\u2122 video series that we\u2019ve now had tens of thousands of couples go through both online and in small groups.<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been so encouraging to see how God is using this series to help reshape the way moms and dads are thinking about their assignment.<\/p>\n<p>When you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, that\u2019s part of what you\u2019re supporting. You\u2019re helping us as we mentor and disciple couples in their marriage and in their parenting. Our goal is to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. And you make all of that possible when you donate to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>If you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d like to say \u201cThank You\u201d by sending you a copy of the new book by Crawford and Karen Loritts on the subject of marriage. It\u2019s called <em>Your Marriage\u2026Today and Tomorrow<\/em>. We\u2019re going to be talking with Crawford and Karen about that book next week. Hope you can tune in for that, but we\u2019d love to send you a copy of their new book as our way of saying thank you for your ongoing support of this ministry. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Just ask for the book by Crawford and Karen Loritts when you get in touch with us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Thanks again for your partnership with us in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We always love hearing from you.<\/p>\n<p>And we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about the red flags single women ought to be looking for when they\u2019re dating somebody, thinking about possibly getting married. Deepak Reju will be with us again tomorrow. Hope you can be with us as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. A Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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Reju talks about what happens when Christian women date men who aren't believers. Reju delves into the reasons why it's not wise to be unequally yoked, and why Christians are to only marry in the Lord.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-02-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>If you were thinking seriously about marrying someone and that person said to you \u201cThere are a few parts of my past that I\u2019d just like to keep hidden from you until after we\u2019re married,\u201d\u2014would you be willing to go forward knowing that? Here\u2019s Deepak Reju.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> In advising singles as they have those conversations about engagement, and potentially getting engaged and getting married, we have categories of conversations they need to have before they put the ring on the finger. One of them is the foolishness from their past. They need to have an honest conversation about what things that they\u2019ve done, so you know the person you\u2019re marrying. No surprises in marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Tuesday, February 5<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey. I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019re going to talk today about how to be smart during your dating years so that you don\u2019t wind up in a marriage that is full of all kinds of surprises. Deepak Reju joins us. Stay with us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>1:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>And welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.<\/p>\n<p>If you had a daughter who was still single\u2014One of your daughters stayed single into her early thirties, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. It was a big deal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> It was a big\u2014were you coaching her on what she needed to do and not do, and how not to settle? What advice were you giving her\u2014as a father\u2014along the way?<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis: <\/strong>I was praying for her. I was putting my arm around her, telling her to hang in there\u2014that not all the good guys are taken\u2014and it turned out I was right. [Laughter] They\u2019ve now been married two years and have had a great start to their marriage\u2014because she didn\u2019t settle\u2014she didn\u2019t lower her standards.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Were there times along the way when you wondered if she was going to lower the bar and dive in?<\/p>\n<p><strong>2:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Oh yes, like the guy she was dating\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this. She lived near Washington D.C. at the time and I met this guy. I asked him about their relationship. I didn\u2019t really put it to him about are you making any kind of commitments. I just said, \u201cWhat are you thinking about this relationship?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You were asking for a DTR.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> No, I really wasn\u2019t because at that age you have to be careful with your daughter.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You do have to be careful, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But he said, \u201cWell, I just kind of want the relationship to be organic. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I thought, \u201cI think vegetables are organic not human beings.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to spray some pesticide on this relationship real quick.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Well, it\u2019s funny now. We have a counselor with us\u2014a <em>biblical<\/em> counselor\u2014a <em>pastoral<\/em> biblical counselor from Washington D.C. Deepak Reju joins us again on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p><strong>3:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m impressed you came back after yesterday. We threw you some really tough hot potatoes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, glad to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> He is the author of <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy <\/em>subtitled<em> Why Smart Women <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> <em>Settle<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> <em>Settle<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Some people just dropped out of their chair when they heard that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> <em>Why Smart Women Settle<\/em>. Why they lower the bar. I\u2019ve got some areas I want to talk about today. I\u2019m going to tell you what they are. Number one, I want you to talk to women who are dating men who are not Christians. Not right now; in a minute. Secondly, talk to women who are dating men who are new believers\u2014new followers of Christ\u2014and what your concerns or warnings might be for them. Third\u2014women who are dating men who are pressuring them sexually\u2014how should they handle that\u2014because that\u2019s become normative in the single culture it seems to me across the country. Alright, let\u2019s go back to the first one.<\/p>\n<p><strong>4:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Okay, so women who are dating unbelievers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Here\u2019s the problem\u2014a lot of women will <em>choose<\/em> what we\u2019ll call \u201cevangedating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I had not heard that. [Laughter] We called it missionary dating when I was in college.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, evangedating\u2014which means you\u2019re mixing evangelism with dating. That\u2019s a problem because it confuses your evangelism <em>and<\/em> your feelings for the guy. It becomes hard to decipher. Am I there to just get him converted so that I actually can have a husband? That\u2019s her side. On his side, do I need to convert in order to get the girl? So that the scary part about that is if he does profess faith, is he doing it for himself\u2014or is he doing it because he knows this is what I need to do to get the girl. Whether it\u2019s the parents who are saying this\u2014she is saying this.<\/p>\n<p><strong>5:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We had a dear friend\u2014one of my wife\u2019s closest friends\u2014who had gone into her 30\u2019s and hadn\u2019t gotten married and her husband had met her at their place of employment. She appropriately\u2014after he had expressed an interest\u2014invited him to church. So he comes, and he hears\u2014it was on the prophets\u2014the sermon is on the minor prophets. He hears three weeks of judgment. One of the signs that this might have been real is he loved it, actually\u2014it didn\u2019t scare him away.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of her answering all of his questions, she helped him get into a relationship with a man in the church who started mentoring him\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Great.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u2014getting in the Word with him\u2014leading him to Christ. But here is the key\u2014like after he professed faith, was he then just going to focus on the girl? He got past the finish line. He\u2019s now going to pursue her towards marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>6:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Or am I seeing him actually engage with other men\u2014attending the church\u2014studying the Bible for himself? Or am I seeing a drop-off? He professes faith. He takes a shower. He comes to church with me, but that\u2019s it. That\u2019s enough to get across the altar.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Deepak, we\u2019ve done some broadcasts here on FamilyLife Today on the topic of spiritually mismatched couples. I think that\u2019s really the result of someone who may have got caught up in a dating relationship with someone who wasn\u2019t a follower of Christ, fell in love with them. Then quote unquote got them converted. Then they moved into the marriage and then, the wife finds out he\u2019s not in the same spiritual game that she\u2019s in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Oh yes. How many stories have I heard where it\u2019s a young woman who had met a guy\u2014say at work or at a party or something.<\/p>\n<p><strong>7:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s a non-Christian, yet he expresses interest. He\u2019s kind to her. He cares for her well. They have a fun time together. He\u2019s attractive and none of the guys at church are expressing any interest in her.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> So she immediately feels the pull of \u201cFinally, here\u2019s a guy.\u201d And yet all the things about him are at least half decent. Then she gets into the relationship and over the course of time she grows emotionally attached.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I just want to say half decent is not a reason to get married.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Okay, well that\u2019s right. [Laughter] What you\u2019ll see is she gets emotionally attached to him and all the things she\u2019d always thought she\u2019d do\u2014marry a Christian man, establish a Christian home, raise children in their faith\u2014they start to compromise all of that. You start being willing to let go of things\u2014especially as that emotional attachment gets stronger and stronger and stronger. Some of your convictions you\u2019re willing to begin to let slide so that\u2014you know the evangedating is dreadful.<\/p>\n<p><strong>8:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve got a friend who says if it\u2019s clear in Scripture\u20141 Corinthians 7:39\u2014where it speaks about only marrying in the Lord. Everybody quotes 2 Corinthians 6, being unequally yoked, as <em>the<\/em> main text for this conversation\u2014and it is\u2014it\u2019s a part of the conversation. Yet when you look at what apostle Paul is doing in that text, he\u2019s primarily talking about\u2014in 2 Corinthians 6\u2014about the false teachers who are going against the church and talking about false alliances we have with unbelievers.<\/p>\n<p>So a secondary implication of that text is not being paired with an unbelieving man\u2014so unequally yoked\u2014 Picture two animals who are yoked\u2014that harness that\u2019s on them and they\u2019re both pulling the plow. Can a cow pull the plow, or an ox, with a rabbit? [Laughter] No, that doesn\u2019t work! You can just picture that. That\u2019s not the way it\u2019s supposed to work.<\/p>\n<p><strong>9:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well even if it\u2019s a strong ox with a wounded or a weak ox, you\u2019re going to be plowing in circles for a long time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, so that text helps us to see\u2014you\u2019re not supposed to be unequally yoked\u2014but 1 Corinthians 7:39 just makes it really clear\u2014you\u2019re <em>only to marry in the Lord<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s true but a lot of single women right now are going to be saying \u201cThere are no Christian guys who are expressing interest in me. So this is my best chance at this\u2014to evangedate\u2014to go ahead and try to convince a non-Christian man what he needs to believe so that I can finely get married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Deepak, I have sat across the table from young women in these relationships and I have said to them \u201cI want you to imagine. It\u2019s five years into the future and you\u2019re married and you have kids\u2014and you want to take them to church. Your husband says \u2018Fine, I\u2019m not going.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>10:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I want you to imagine that\u2019s your experience week in and week out and just say, \u201cAre you going to be okay with that\u2014because that\u2019s what the trajectory you\u2019ve got going on here is.\u201d And it does help them\u2014I think\u2014to forecast what that unequal yoking is going to be like if they pursue this relationship, and the bitter fruit that\u2019s going to come from that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, yes, and so every time she pulls out of the parking lot and drives to church with her children by herself\u2014every time she has to open up the Bible and read to them where her husbands in the other room without any interest\u2014every time she feels like she wants to have a good conversation with her kids about an issue and yet her husband is not leading spiritually in the family. She doesn\u2019t <em>see<\/em> those implications. And yet, we\u2019ve seen them\u2014time and time again\u2014where you make that choice now, you shouldn\u2019t be surprised.<\/p>\n<p>Now I\u2019m going to have some women who will come to me and say \u201cWell the ends justify the means. I can point to the one situation where\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>11:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014where it worked.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u2014where it worked,\u201d and said, \u201cThat\u2019s going to be me.\u201d I said, \u201cThere\u2019s no way I can guarantee that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> \u201cThere\u2019s no way you can guarantee that that\u2019s going to be the case.\u201d More often than not, it\u2019s the other way just like you described, Bob, where the guy is not showing the spiritual leadership that she needs to raise a Christian family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And that\u2019s not what single women, ultimately, are looking for.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk about the second question, okay? You believe it\u2019s dangerous to begin seriously dating a new believer. The way I would say it is \u201cSingle women need to be aware and have knowledge of a spiritual track record of the young man they\u2019re dating. It\u2019s <em>very<\/em> important.\u201d Somebody has said \u201cThe best measure of what a man can do is what a man has done.\u201d Single women need to take heed and be careful about dating new believers.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, well the track record is really important because that history is going to tell you a lot about who it is you\u2019re marrying.<\/p>\n<p><strong>12:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The disparity between often a mature Christian woman and that young believer is going to show up quickly in a marriage. Because here it is, we\u2019re asking men to lead in their families yet if you choose to marry a brand-new convert, he\u2019s still trying to figure out what Christianity is, and how to actually be a faithful Christian. Yet he\u2019s faced with all kinds of important decisions.<\/p>\n<p>It wouldn\u2019t be surprising that a young woman gets frustrated because she\u2019s grown up in the faith. Maybe she grew up in a Christian home\u2014maybe she\u2019s been in the Bible for years and she understands what a mature decision would look like\u2014and yet she\u2019s tied herself to a man who isn\u2019t wise enough yet to make that mature decision\u2014because he just hasn\u2019t had a chance to grow up in the faith.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> So what\u2019s that look like? How many years does a man need to be a follower of Christ? What should a woman be looking for in terms of experience of the young man?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well she should be looking for a guy who is converted\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>13:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u2014a guy who is committed to studying the Word, to being discipled, to be committed to a local church\u2014all those things set a right trajectory. But the struggle with dating a guy who\u2019s a brand-new convert is he hasn\u2019t fallen in love Jesus. He hasn\u2019t had time enough to do that\u2014to get his bearings\u2014yet to know then how to lead someone else in falling in love with Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>So William\u2014who was a brand-new convert in our church\u2014he\u2019d had a radical conversion. He\u2019d had a difficult past behind that and as he\u2019s coming to our church, he takes an interest in Lauren. Lauren\u2019s a godly woman. She\u2019s in campus ministry. She\u2019s actually having a very fruitful evangelistic ministry on campus.<\/p>\n<p>So William goes to his discipling mentor and asks, \u201cCan I date Lauren?\u201d This is very early on in his conversion. His mentor said \u201cNot yet\u2014six months. Six months you need to focus on your relationship with Christ.<\/p>\n<p><strong>14:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>You need to dig into the Word. Be faithful at church. Get discipled. You need to get some grounding before you can take care of someone else.\u201d So\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Now wait. Are you telling me at your church I\u2019ve got to get permission from somebody to date somebody else?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Well, no, no, no. It\u2019s not permission. [Laughter] It\u2019s not permission.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> It\u2019s not permission, but it wouldn\u2019t be surprising that if you have an older godly mentor who you trust\u2014who\u2019s been pouring into you\u2014you\u2019re going to go to him and say, \u201cIs this a wise decision?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob: <\/strong>Yes, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I want. I don\u2019t want singles out there trying to figure it out on their own. If they\u2019re a part of a church, they want older people who are in the faith, who they trust, to actually help them sort through these decisions. So six months to the day when William went to Mark and asked, \u201cCan I date her?\u201d and he said, \u201cWait six months.\u201d he returned and said, \u201cCan I do it now?\u201d And he said \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>15:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Because William had done exactly that\u2014he had come to church, he\u2019d been in the Word, he grew up in his faith. Six months isn\u2019t <em>the<\/em> marker, but the point is William had to take some time to grow up in his faith before he could take responsibility for somebody else.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I love the wisdom of that story and what it points out in a young man. And if a young lady has a guy like that pursuing her, you\u2019re likely close to finding the right guy. I mean there\u2019s no way to guarantee what\u2019s going to happen in a marriage relationship\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak: <\/strong>That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014but someone who shows that kind of wisdom prior to asking the question and making the commitment, it\u2019s a big deal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said to young women before \u201cYou need to know if his love for Jesus is still there if you\u2019re not in the picture.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because I\u2019ve met the guys who are like \u201cNo, I am spiritually interested. I like the church and all of this,\u201d but in the back of their mind it\u2019s like \u201cWhat I really like is you.\u201d It\u2019s pretty clear to me. I remember when I met my girlfriend who is now my wife.<\/p>\n<p><strong>16:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She was more spiritually mature than I was\u2014it was pretty clear. We had our first face to face conversation and I said to her \u201cSo, tell me about guys you\u2019ve dated\u201d\u2014which I shouldn\u2019t have been asking on the first date but, anyway, it wasn\u2019t\u2019 a date. We were just talking. She said, \u201cThere was this one guy, but you know\u201d she said, \u201che just did not lead the relationship spiritually.\u201d I said to her, \u201cOh yes, that\u2019s too bad.\u201d I\u2019m thinking to myself, \u201cI have no idea what that means, [Laughter] what she just said. But it\u2019s clear\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> But I know I\u2019m going to find out!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to figure that out if I want any\u2014\" You know what\u2014it put a challenge in me. I had to figure this out. But I could have just as easily been one of these \u201cOh yes, yes\u201d and had her snowed by a false attraction to Jesus that was really just an attraction to say, \u201cIf this is the guy you want me to be for the next six months, I\u2019ll do this and then I\u2019ll revert back to the old patterns after we\u2019re married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>17:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes. Well, so that story I told earlier about the young woman whose boyfriend had come and heard the judgment sermons and converted, at some point as they\u2019re dating, she said to me \u201cHow do I know that this is the real thing?\u201d I said \u201cWell only the Lord knows his heart, but we can ask him some questions. So go to him and ask him \u2018If I die today, what are you going to be doing in five years in your spiritual life?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And he said, \u201cThis relationship with Jesus is not because of you.\u201d He said, \u201cIn five years, I\u2019m going to be in this church. I\u2019m going to be growing in faith. I\u2019m going to be trusting the Lord. So if you want to come along that\u2019s fine.\u201d That gave her a lot more confidence to say \u201cOkay, it\u2019s not just about me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s go to the\u2014we\u2019ve got to get to the third question. What about the young lady who is dating a guy and he is all about sex?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Get rid of him right now! Just do not do that! So here it is\u2014we <em>know<\/em> that God\u2019s Word is clear about premarital sex.<\/p>\n<p><strong>18:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Is what He said clear Bob? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I think, I think\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Would you like to interpret what he just said?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> You can delete his\u2014you can unfriend him on Facebook. You can delete his number from your phone and block all the text messages, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> So here it is\u2014that guy is already showing that he is not willing to live by God\u2019s Word.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Because premarital sex is really clear in the Bible that that\u2019s wrong. If a guy is going to keep leading you into sin, why would you stay with him? Because that\u2019s going to be no different when you get into marriage\u2014in terms of the kind of leadership he\u2019s going to demonstrate. The thing we need to keep in mind is the compromises that a man will make in dating, it shouldn\u2019t be surprising that you\u2019re going to find those same kind of compromises\u2014either that or something else within marriage.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, in fact, you\u2019re probably going to find those compromises multiplied in marriage because we put on our best behavior when we\u2019re dating. Once we\u2019re married, it\u2019s like \u201cNow I can show the real me because you\u2019re stuck with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>19:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>So whatever you\u2019re seeing the tip of now, the iceberg is underneath it, right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Yes, and so there\u2019s going to be some single women right now who are in that relationship who are struggling with that. The first and foremost thing I want to say is that\u2014if you\u2019ve struggled with premarital sex and you feel guilt and shame over that\u2014Jesus has forgiven you. You can come to the cross and\u2014right now\u2014the blood of Christ can wash away all that sin.<\/p>\n<p>You do not have to persist in compromising your relationship in order to keep the guy\u2014which is one of these lies that women can hold on to: \u201cIf I don\u2019t actually participate in a sexual relationship with this guy, he\u2019s not going to stick around.\u201d Well that\u2019s not the kind of guy you want to keep for the rest of your life!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Okay, I want to say a word to the women\u2014single women who are being pressured right now. Listen to me. Deepak has given you some great advice.<\/p>\n<p><strong>20:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The reason is a man who doesn\u2019t know how to serve you by denying himself before marriage, will not know how\u2014after marriage\u2014to give up himself for his wife <em>after<\/em> marriage.<\/p>\n<p>The nature of the cross of Jesus Christ is surrender\u2014it is death to self. And you know what? <em>That<\/em> is the key to a great marriage. It\u2019s two imperfect people who have surrendered to the One who will teach them how to love, how to forgive, and how to go the distance in a marriage relationship.<\/p>\n<p>This is one of the hours we spend at the Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway where singles, pre-marrieds come and get advice from our speakers. I think one of the needs is to be able to present a standard, with compassion\u2014talking about the forgiveness of Christ\u2014that we are washed clean by Him. But there still is a standard, and it\u2019s really important, and it is going to impact your future. If nothing else, someday your kids may ask.<\/p>\n<p><strong>21:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Can we say to encouragement for the single women who are living by the standard and fighting for it. Don\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I agree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Deepak:<\/strong> Because all the pressure of the culture is pressing in on you right now to actually give up that standard. And yet that\u2019s a beautiful thing in the eyes of God.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Let me say to the guys who want to get a copy of your book, <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy<\/em> and I\u2019m saying the guys. Don\u2019t you agree?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> Because guys would really do well to read this book.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> And I think the daddies of the daughters and the daddies of the guys need to get a copy of the book and go over it with your son or the young man who is dating your daughter.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Bob:<\/strong> We\u2019ve got copies of the book in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and look for <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle<\/em> by Deepak Reju. Or you can call to order at 1-800-FL-TODAY. That\u2019s 1-800-358-6329. Again, our website is FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p><strong>22:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The tollfree number\u20141-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d Look for the book, <em>She\u2019s Got the Wrong Guy<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>By the way, when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014today is the first day we officially have on sale the DVD of the movie, <em>Like Arrows\u00ae,<\/em> that FamilyLife had in theaters last year. The movie is now available for purchase as a DVD. It\u2019s also available for online streaming. There\u2019s information about how you can order, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014or you can go to where movies are sold.<\/p>\n<p><em>Like Arrows<\/em> is in Walmart\u00ae. <em>Like Arrows<\/em> is in Christian retailers. It\u2019s available online wherever you do your online shopping. So look for <em>Like Arrows<\/em> on our website or get a copy the next time you\u2019re at Walmart or out at the Christian bookstore.<\/p>\n<p>You know the movie is something that we made in conjunction with the Art of Parenting\u2122 video series that we\u2019ve now had tens of thousands of couples go through both online and in small groups.<\/p>\n<p><strong>23:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s been so encouraging to see how God is using this series to help reshape the way moms and dads are thinking about their assignment.<\/p>\n<p>When you support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, that\u2019s part of what you\u2019re supporting. You\u2019re helping us as we mentor and disciple couples in their marriage and in their parenting. Our goal is to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families. And you make all of that possible when you donate to support the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>If you can help with a donation today, we\u2019d like to say \u201cThank You\u201d by sending you a copy of the new book by Crawford and Karen Loritts on the subject of marriage. It\u2019s called <em>Your Marriage\u2026Today and Tomorrow<\/em>. We\u2019re going to be talking with Crawford and Karen about that book next week. Hope you can tune in for that, but we\u2019d love to send you a copy of their new book as our way of saying thank you for your ongoing support of this ministry. You can donate online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Just ask for the book by Crawford and Karen Loritts when you get in touch with us.<\/p>\n<p><strong>24:00<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Thanks again for your partnership with us in the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We always love hearing from you.<\/p>\n<p>And we hope you can be back with us again tomorrow when we\u2019re going to talk about the red flags single women ought to be looking for when they\u2019re dating somebody, thinking about possibly getting married. Deepak Reju will be with us again tomorrow. Hope you can be with us as well.<\/p>\n<p>I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. A Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300043","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300043"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300043"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300043"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300043"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300043"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300043"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300043"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}