{"id":300029,"date":"2019-01-25T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-01-25T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/marriage-reset\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:14","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:14","slug":"marriage-reset","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-reset\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage Reset"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ron Deal tackles the delicate topic of sexual intimacy. As Deal explains, to be intimate with someone is to know them at a deep level. But what does a person do with their sexual past, especially as they enter into a new marriage?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-25.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:55","filesize":"25.56M","filesize_raw":"26800368","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[4067,4069,4066,4068],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300029","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-blended-family-marriage","tag-former-partners","tag-intimacy","tag-step-marriage","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300029\/marriage-reset","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300029\/marriage-reset","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"gzPT9npMFr\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-reset\/\">Marriage Reset<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-reset\/embed\/#?secret=gzPT9npMFr\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marriage Reset&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"gzPT9npMFr\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Ron Deal tackles the delicate topic of sexual intimacy. As Deal explains, to be intimate with someone is to know them at a deep level. But what does a person do with their sexual past, especially as they enter into a new marriage?","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-25.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Friday, January 25<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I\u2019m Bob Lepine. How do we keep passion and intimacy a vital part of a marriage relationship, and what happens when that marriage is a second or third marriage? We\u2019ll talk more about that today. Stay with us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us on the Friday edition. We\u2019re going to have a very transparent, candid conversation about marital intimacy today about sexuality. I just want to give everyone a heads up. Some of this may be conversation that you want to divert younger ears from listening to. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut before we dive into all of that, I want to remind our regular listeners. Today is the last day for us to remind you about the special offer we\u2019ve been making recently for <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners to attend an upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> marriage getaway. You can attend any of our getaways this spring, and you save 50-percent of the regular registration fee; but you have to register before the weekend is over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, go to FamilyLifeToday.com for more information, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY. We can let you know about dates and locations. You can register online or register by phone. However you choose to do it, you\u2019ll save 50-percent off the regular registration rate as long as we hear from you this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, again, go to FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and plan to join us this spring at one of our <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. These really are great getaways for couples to relax and refocus and refresh your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things we talk about at the getaway, Dennis, is what we\u2019re going to talk about today. We\u2019re going to talk about marital intimacy. That\u2019s a subject we dive into pretty deeply at the getaway. Of course, God\u2019s design is that sexual intimacy would happen inside a marriage relationship and that we would have one person in a lifetime that would be our spouse and that would be the only person we would have marital intimacy with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut in this culture, a lot of people who are getting married are bringing a sexual history with them into their marriage. In blended families or remarriage situations, this can become a challenging issue. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I\u2019m glad we have a leader like Ron Deal with us on the broadcast\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014to help unpack a very thorny, delicate subject. Ron is the director of our Blended Family Initiative here at FamilyLife, and Ron, this is a loaded issue\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014when it comes to blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it is. Sex is a loaded issue. That\u2019s because it goes so deep\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014into our soul, in terms of who we are, how we are designed by God, the beauty of it. Yet, I\u2019m convinced that God knows how incredibly intimate and powerful sex is. That\u2019s why He put boundaries around it. That\u2019s why He put up walls and said, \u201cLook, this is reserved for a covenantal relationship where there is commitment and permanence. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> We ought to say, just right here at the beginning, the phrase, \u201cCasual sex,\u201d that\u2019s an oxymoron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> There is no such thing as a casual sexual encounter as much as someone might like to make it casual or treat it like it\u2019s a game of tennis or\u2014\u201cWe just got together for a recreational activity.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are fools if we miss the idea that there is something that goes to the core of our being when a man and a woman come together sexually. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly. So, this is intimate. It\u2019s powerful. The word <em>yada<\/em> used throughout\u2014the Hebrew word in the Old Testament\u2014<em>to be known<\/em>\u2014is the same word God uses when He wants to know us and know us intimately. When David says in Psalm 139, \u201cYou\u2019ve searched me and known me,\u201d that\u2019s the same word for: Adam knew his wife, and they had a child. The point is: This is powerful. It reveals something about us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, even this conversation today\u2014as you, listener, are joining us in this dialogue\u2014you may experience a number of emotions or thoughts or feelings that cut pretty deep. Why? That\u2019s the way sex is designed, and it\u2019s something worthy of our attention and us understanding biblically how to approach it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat we want to do today is just recognize that when somebody finds themselves\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014in a second marriage or a subsequent marriage, they\u2019ve had a previous sexual partner. How do they, in their new marriage, navigate that terrain in such a way that it does foster oneness in their marriage relationship because that\u2019s what God intended it to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You actually ask couples if their spouse died, \u201cWould you want the remaining spouse to remarry?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> You\u2019ve found some pretty interesting responses to that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, you know some people say, \u201cOh no! I don\u2019t even want to think about that question\u201d; you know? They get wrapped up in it and think, \u201cThat\u2019d be so awkward.\u201d Other people feel great permission and freedom\u2014\u201cYes, we have those dialogues before my wife died, and she said, \u2018You have my permission to move on.\u2019\u201d What\u2019s the point of that? Well, carry that into a new sexual relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou get married again, and you feel that permission. You feel the blessing to be intimate, now, in another relationship with a different person. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs opposed to, you didn\u2019t feel permission. You feel guilty. You feel a little haunted that\u2014\u201cBoy, if my first husband or wife knew where I am at this moment, that would be a really bad thing.\u201d That either liberates your sexuality or restricts it. That\u2019s an important dynamic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere are a number of little barriers like that that just come into play that I think can trip people up. Part of the reason we wanted to talk about this today is because we want to try to remove some of those. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of them is related to the question you just asked, Dennis. It\u2019s what I call the ghost of marriage past. We\u2019ve talked about this before on this broadcast. It\u2019s the idea\u2014in particular for somebody who has gone through a divorce\u2014that you loved, and you lost; you stood before a pastor and before a group of people; and you said, \u201cI do,\u201d until death do us part; and then life taught you, marriage is not forever. You intended it to be; and for whatever reason, it wasn\u2019t. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, giving of yourself \/ fully disclosing \/ surrendering yourself in marriage\u2014which is what God is inviting us to do\u2014has become a painful thing for you. So, now, you find yourself in marriage number two. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSexuality is one of those ways that we surrender ourselves. The metaphor in sex is a giving up of me into a knowing of you and a sharing of myself with the other person. It\u2019s a very intimate form of communication; but how do you do that when you have been taught\u2014\u201cBoy, if I give all of me and then all of the sudden, you dump me and walk away like the last person did, I\u2019m going to feel a lot of pain again. I don\u2019t want to go there.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt becomes a calculated decision about what I give and how much I share and how I engage myself in sex. I think it\u2019s a real trap for some people who end up\u2014I would put it this way\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014they end up having sex, but they don\u2019t make love. They don\u2019t give their heart, and their sex life is going to suffer because of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, it doesn\u2019t feel safe. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Bob:<\/strong> I know in conversations I\u2019ve had with couples\u2014wives have said, \u201cSafety and security is at the core of what allows me to be open and vulnerable and self-giving. So, if my experience has been\u2014I did that once, and I got trampled\u201d\u2014who would ever do that again? How do you get to a point where you can do it again, and how long does that take before you can feel like\u2014\u201cI can really trust this, and I can give myself and know that that person will still be around?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019ve shared on this broadcast before one of my favorite quotes by that great marriage educator and therapist, Mark Twain, who said, \u201cA cat that sits on a hot stove won\u2019t sit on a hot stove again.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Of course, then he added, \u201cThat cat won\u2019t sit on a cold stove either.\u201d Why? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you get burned, you don\u2019t go back to the same place. It\u2019s just normal that you would want to avoid that sort of pain. So, what\u2019s the answer? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, sometimes, people expect their spouse to somehow make them feel safe enough that\u2014\u201cI can, then, surrender myself\u201d\u2014and it doesn\u2019t really work that way. I mean, yes, they have an influence. If they love you well and they provide for you and they provide an environment where you do feel safe, that\u2019s helpful; but you still have to deal with that internal ghost that\u2019s haunting \/ that says, \u201cNo, no, no, don\u2019t get on that hot stove anymore. Don\u2019t go on any stove. Just stay away.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou have to wrestle with that piece of you. I\u2019d say, \u201cPray about it.\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cTalk to God about that: \u2018Lord, help me release this part of who I am so that we can engage in what You have intended for us to have.\u2019\u201d But that means I have to let that piece go, turn down my fear, trust God in giving myself is going to be an okay-thing to do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Ron, there are so listeners who have said, \u201cI\u2019ve prayed that prayer\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m not there yet.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand I\u2019m not there yet. I haven\u2019t felt the freedom to re-surrender my life to my spouse.\u201d At points, there may be a need for a third-party counselor to come alongside and to unpack what\u2019s in the heart and how they\u2019ve been wounded. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It could be that counselor could help the other spouse say, \u201cHere are ways you\u2019re not helping your spouse feel safe,\u201d because it could be things that the husband\u2019s doing or the wife\u2019s doing that causes the other person to go\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t feel safe here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, I think it\u2019s good for one partner to recognize you\u2019re not helping to create a safe and secure environment; but beyond that, I think your point is right. We\u2019ve got to confront our own fears in this situation and say, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s not all about my partner. It\u2019s about me saying, \u2018I\u2019m going to trust. I\u2019m going to step out in faith.\u2019\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u201c\u2018I\u2019m going to rely on God to protect me in this situation.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Maybe, Ron, it\u2019s not the person they are now married to\u2014they are in a blended family; and their previous spouse, perhaps, used sex selfishly, was not safe as Bob was just talking about and\u2014let\u2019s just say it\u2019s the wife\u2014she\u2019s feeling like he\u2019s dangerous. This guy is just trying to love her well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dennis:<\/strong> What does she do with that? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, again, I think you\u2019ve got to own it. You\u2019ve got to look it in the mirror; and you\u2019ve got to say, \u201cWhat is going on with me? What is this about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason this is important, Dennis, is because what most of us fall into is constantly looking at the other person going\u2014\u201cThere something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you.\u201d Well, yes, they may have influence. They have a roll. They have a part, but it\u2019s your fear that\u2019s fueling all of this. You have to name it. Ask God to help you with that. Recognize this is leftover residue from the past. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I have a choice: Do I wipe off the residue and push through my fear and give anyway? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean this is true in the sexual bedroom, and it\u2019s also true outside the bedroom; right? I mean you give of your finances to the other person, or you can withhold. You can give of your communication, or you can withhold. You can share in parenting the mutual children that you now have, or you can withhold. Withholding just keeps you isolated and alone. You\u2019ve got to make the choice about how you\u2019re going to deal with this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know, in a blended family, how much people have to deal with the expectations or the performance of past spouses. If you\u2019re married to somebody who may be kinder, gentler, more patient, more loving, but less skillful\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014in intimacy. The other person you were married to was harsh, critical, controlling, but skillful in intimacy. To find yourself with a new partner where the experience is less physically satisfying can be discouraging, disappointing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou may be wondering to yourself, \u201cI wonder if my partner is comparing me to a past spouse.\u201d How do you deal with this whole comparison thing and with somebody who may not be as good as a previous spouse was? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, there is a lot wrapped up into that question. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn one level, there\u2019s: \u201cDo I entertain comparison thoughts?\u201d I would say, \u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d On the other hand, you can\u2019t help but make some automatic comparison thoughts that just come to your mind; and when those come and if there is something that\u2019s troubling about them or difficult about them, then I do think you have to work through it. If you have the assumption that the other person is more skillful\u2014that\u2019s the way you ask the question\u2014or \u201cIs it just us? We just don\u2019t have what it takes. We\u2019re the wrong combination,\u201d that just presumes that you don\u2019t have any influence over this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI mean people need to have far more communication about their sex-life than we typically do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a lot of people go into it and just hope they\u2019ll figure it out, but\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to say anything about it out loud about my preferences \/ about what I more appreciate or value.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you were asking your spouse for a backrub\u2014just a long, hard week\u2014\u201cBoy, would you hit that spot on my neck? I\u2019ve got a knot right there\u201d\u2014and they started rubbing in a way that was not helpful, you would probably say, \u201cPush a little harder. Get that thumb. Hit that one little spot. Just dig into there a little bit. Oh, yes, that\u2019s it. That\u2019s what\u2026.\u201d We will do that when it comes to a backrub; but we won\u2019t give voice to sexual preferences or energy or likes or desires when it comes to our sexuality. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tPart of that\u2019s embarrassment. Sometimes, that\u2019s: \u201cI feel a little ashamed of being a sexual person.\u201d Well, that\u2019s a theological issue that you\u2019ve got to wrestle with God about; but the point is: If you\u2019re finding that your sex life is not what you hoped it would be and it doesn\u2019t quite compare to the first sexual partner you had, it\u2019s time for you to say something. It\u2019s time for you to give voice. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, what you don\u2019t do is you don\u2019t make that comparison overt. The way you would describe that backrub need is the way you give voice to your sexual need. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk about in blended families how couples can begin to communicate around their expectations because I could see in a blended family how this would be fraught with difficulty. Just knowing how we, as people, are fragile; and it\u2019s difficult to share with our spouses. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I think women in particular can feel insecure about their own body: \u201cI don\u2019t feel good about me. So, you can\u2019t feel good about me.\u201d That one issue is common among women. So, again, I would caution somebody: \u201cIf you find yourself doing that\u2014\u2018Wow, I\u2019ve seen pictures of his first wife. My husband\u2019s first wife was gorgeous. She was beautiful. I\u2019m not that. Therefore, I can\u2019t be a good sexual partner\u2019\u201d\u2014no, that\u2019s not right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Should that be talked about? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it should be talked about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think if she has a fear or concern about that, she should talk to somebody. It may not be her husband, but she needs to talk to somebody so she can process that concern \/ that insecurity because that\u2019s what that is and just find some perspective about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I want women, in particular, to know about sexuality is that your sexual confidence is the thing that really lights your husband up. You\u2019re far more worried about your body type than he is. When you bring a confidence, then, your energy speaks to him. It communicates your desire, and that is what invigorates him. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, Dennis, one of things a husband could do in that situation is he can be mindful of just be complimenting his wife and communicating his interest in her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Right; right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014his love and passion for her. The more verbal he is about that, outside the bedroom, helps to increase the sexual energy inside the bedroom; but she needs to hear and be affirmed by him that he\u2019s really in love with her. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> That he finds her\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> \u2014desirable. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Absolutely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Read the Song of Solomon. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> I mean read it out loud to each other. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s good stuff. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> It is good stuff; but listen to how these two, in the Song of Solomon, spoke about desire, spoke about passion, described one another, and take some cues from that.\u00a0 Anytime we come to this subject, I\u2019m reminded of what your mentor, Dennis, Dr. Howard Hendricks said, \u201cWe should not be ashamed to discuss what God was not embarrassed to create.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> This is a good gift from God. We should discuss it with appropriate conversation. We need to makes sure that we\u2019re treating it with the dignity it deserves; but then we need to be able to be candid, especially in a marriage conversation, about our sexual relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me go into another barrier that, really, has less to do with sex and more to do with blended family dynamics. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the things that turns down sexual energy for men is stress. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>That\u2019s top of the list. It doesn\u2019t matter what marriage situation that is. Imagine, in a blended family, stress is high in the first two years. You\u2019re trying to combine people. We\u2019re trying to figure out kid stuff and ex-spouses that are calling and creating havoc in our home; and you and I in our marriage\u2014we love each other like crazy; but man, we don\u2019t see eye-to-eye on some things, and it just feels like we have a lot of conflict. That kind of stress can diminish a man\u2019s sexual energy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAll of the sudden, his wife is going\u2014\u201cAre you not interested in me sexually? What\u2019s going on?\u201d It has to do with what\u2019s going on outside the bedroom that\u2019s impacting him on the inside. I\u2019ve had many men sitting in a counseling session say to me, \u201cYou know, we just don\u2019t get along, and we\u2019re struggling with some things. It doesn\u2019t even occur to me to be interested in sex or to bring that up.\u201d Well, yes, of course, not\u2014there are other things that are making that more difficult for you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, again, the answer is: Working on the blended family environment, coming\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014together around how you\u2019re going to manage some things, trying to get some training \/ some information that we do at our conferences and the resources that we have available to help you come together as a couple. Then, as that stress diminishes, then the sexual energy will come back. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> Whether you are in a blended family or in an intact marriage that has gone the distance, I\u2019d just encourage husbands to do a couple of things. First of all, ask your wife what her top three needs are right now, maybe, specifically, around this area. Maybe, consider asking her, secondly, \u201cHow can I create a safe marriage bed with you?\u201d Third: \u201cIs there anything I\u2019m doing that is creating fear?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, for the wives, I\u2019d just encourage them to consider asking their husbands: \u201cHow can I better communicate my respect of you in this area?\u201d Then just listen. Then find a way to practically apply what he\u2019s talking about here. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Anytime we talk about this\u2014and you know this is the case, Ron\u2014there are some wives who are saying, \u201cOurs is the unusual situation. It seems like the opposite situation. I have more interest or desire than my husband does.\u201d There are some husbands who would just say, \u201cYou know, this is not as big a deal to me as it was years ago, and I don\u2019t know why, but it doesn\u2019t matter to me.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think the point is: If you are having these issues, you need to get some help. You need to get some counsel. You don\u2019t just say, \u201cOkay, then our solution is: \u2018We\u2019ll be frustrated in this area\u2019\u201d\u2014because that\u2019s going to spill over into every other area of your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. Pick up a good book. <em>A Celebration of Sex<\/em> by Doug Rosenau is one of my favorites. There are many good, Christian-based books about sexuality. Learn some things. Talk about this. Maybe, as Dennis said, you do need to sit down with a third-party who can give you some direction and some guidance. Yes, you have to get over your embarrassment; but rather that, than suffer in silence and not get any help. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAs we kind of draw this conversation to a close, it occurs to me: For a great many people, a re-sex relationship\u2014that is a sexual relationship in a second or subsequent marriage\u2014is an opportunity that they really take advantage of. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA lot of women find their sexual voice in mid-life. They didn\u2019t know who they were when they were young women. They didn\u2019t really understand much about themselves or sexuality, and they just didn\u2019t have a good understanding of sexuality; but they find that voice in mid-life in another marriage with a husband who really loves and cherishes them unlike the first\u2014becomes an incredible opportunity for sexuality to come alive. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust as God is the God of second chances for a lot of things in our world and in our lives, it can also be that people have an opportunity to have a second chance at a healthy sex-life. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong> I think to those who are in blended families, you need to pick up one of Ron\u2019s books. <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em> may be the place to start. Ron\u2019s got a daily encouragement devotional for smart stepfamilies. Get into a book together and open the conversation on a number of these issues and allow his voice to speak into your lives. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of the great things about that devotional is a little of shared couple time outside the bedroom might just help things inside the bedroom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong> Well, of course, we\u2019ve got copies of the devotional in our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> Resource Center. Our listeners can go online at FamilyLifeToday.com to get a copy, or they can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. The title of the devotional, again, is <em>Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily<\/em> by Ron Deal. Order your copy online at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY and ask for Ron Deal\u2019s devotional for stepfamilies. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is one other suggestion we\u2019ve got for you. This is something that we\u2019ve been talking about the last couple of weeks. We want to encourage you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014whether you\u2019re in a first marriage or a blended marriage\u2014join us this spring at one of our upcoming <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways. There are tens of thousands of people who will be with us for a weekend this spring in more than 50 cities across the country, and we\u2019d love to have you be among those couples who experience together a fun, romantic weekend away where you can work on your marriage and grow closer to one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe reason we are mentioning it now is because this weekend is the last opportunity you have to sign up for a getaway and save 50-percent off the regular registration fee. When you register this weekend, you can take advantage of that special offer. So, go to FamilyLifeToday.com to register, or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to register over the phone. If you have any questions, we can answer those when you call us; or you can find information online, again, at FamilyLifeToday.com. We hope you\u2019ll join us at one of these upcoming getaways. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your spouse are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI hope you can join us on Monday. We\u2019re going to talk about how foundational it is \/ how important it is for your children to understand their identity. How has God made them uniquely? What are the unique gifts He\u2019s given them? What\u2019s their purpose and meaning? What are they good at? All of those issues are things that, as parents, we need to be able to help guide our children in. We\u2019ll talk about that Monday with Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Hope you can be with us for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I\u2019m Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. 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