{"id":300021,"date":"2019-01-16T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2019-01-16T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/facing-conflict\/"},"modified":"2024-10-07T22:41:13","modified_gmt":"2024-10-08T02:41:13","slug":"facing-conflict","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/facing-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Facing Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Every couple will have conflict. But it&#8217;s how they handle that conflict that makes all the difference. Jim Burns explains that fear is often hiding behind our defensiveness. But once you realize your fears, you can face them and handle conflict better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-16.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:02","filesize":"24.75M","filesize_raw":"25953361","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2808,2862],"tags":[4049,2918,4047,4048,2342,4050,4052,4051,4053],"podcast_series":[7161],"cwp_profile":[8798],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-300021","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-newlyweds","category-understanding-differences","tag-agree-to-disagree","tag-conflict","tag-defensive","tag-fear-of-rejection","tag-marital-conflict","tag-marital-intimacy","tag-mentor","tag-resolving-conflict","tag-small-group","podcast_series-the-first-few-years-of-marriage","cwp_profile-jim-burns","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/300021\/facing-conflict","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/300021\/facing-conflict","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"54UwJUKmgu\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/facing-conflict\/\">Facing Conflict<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/facing-conflict\/embed\/#?secret=54UwJUKmgu\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Facing Conflict&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"54UwJUKmgu\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-16.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/web.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-16.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, would you say you have a good theology of sexuality\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or is that an issue in your marriage? We\u2019ll talk more about how we think rightly about marital intimacy, with our guest today, Jim Burns. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a lot of young couples, when they get married, there\u2019s this thought that one of the reasons they\u2019re going to be a great couple is because they never fight, you know, during their courtship, during their dating. They just never have had any conflict, and they think this is how it\u2019s going to be for the rest of their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d just like to say to them, \u201cWake up,\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>[Laughter]<\/strong> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I actually know a couple who had been married over four decades and who boasted they\u2019d never had a fight. I actually had the thought, \u201cI feel sorry for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You took their pulse to see if they\u2019re still alive?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s like, you know, in a relationship, you marry someone who has a different view of life, a different perspective, different personality, and if you\u2019ve never rubbed one another the wrong way or disappointed each other, then where are the expectations in the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe guy across the table from me, who\u2019s nodding his head, is the author of <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em>, Jim Burns. You agree, Jim?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I totally agree. In fact, I think you become intimate by, sometimes, fighting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Arguing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Spirited discussion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s what we called it with our kids, when they would look up at us and go, \u201cI think Mom and Dad are getting a little hot here with each other.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOkay, kids. It\u2019s okay. We\u2019re committed for a lifetime; we\u2019re not going anywhere. We\u2019re just having a little stimulating conversation.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And by the way, that\u2019s a good thing to say in parenting. You need to be able to role model that, because if they never see you have those spirited conversations, then they\u2019re thinking when they get married that that\u2019s not going to happen. That happened in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy parents never argued, or at least they never argued in front of me. So when Kathy and I got married and we had arguments and we had spirited discussions, I thought, \u201cSomething\u2019s really wrong with her,\u201d because of course I thought I was okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then if they ramp up, and scale up to a real intense heat, you need to reschedule the discussion to a private spot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing. A lot of people, when they have conflict in marriage, their first conclusion is, \u201cI\u2019ve selected the wrong person. If I had selected the right person, it would be a conflict-free marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your book, <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em>, that Dennis mentioned, that you wrote with Doug Fields, one of the eight ways to strengthen your \u201cI do\u201d that you talk about in your book is to learn how to have healthy conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And healthy conflict is not something that\u2019s negative; it\u2019s actually very positive. You are going to disagree. What we had to feel and look at in our own lives was, \u201cWhat are some of those fears that cause us to get defensive?\u201d I would say both Kathy and I, one of the biggest issues was that we were getting defensive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Mm-hmm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And the defensiveness said, for me, the fear that I had was that \u201cshe won\u2019t like me.\u201d Why? I don\u2019t know, but that\u2019s what my issue was. With Kathy it was, \u201cIs Jim going to leave me?\u201d You know, we talked about the fact that, you know, if you talk about divorce, then there\u2019s that fear factor. So Kathy had a fear that I would leave, so we would get defensive, go back and forth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we had to find out that those were our fears, so we had to face through those fears and work past that, and realize that there\u2019s a positive way to do conflict and there\u2019s a negative way to do conflict. The positive way says, \u201cLet\u2019s look at this conflict and let\u2019s handle it together.\u201d The negative way is to be defensive, and then we have a little conflict dance where it just continues to go from defensiveness to resentment, bitterness, and the next thing you know you don\u2019t even like that person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014when you really started on a bad way by going negative, but you can have positive conflict. People don\u2019t think those two words go together, but they do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. This is something that you know we talk [about] at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, about conflict and healthy conflict, and the question is not, \u201cHow do we keep from having conflict in marriage?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014but, \u201cWhat do we do when conflict arises? How can we maintain our oneness in marriage when we\u2019re at odds with one another on sometimes unimportant things, sometimes significant things?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to remind our listeners about the special offer we\u2019re making this week for listeners to attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. We have about 60 getaways happening this spring in cities all across the country. If you register for a getaway this week, you can save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. You and your spouse can attend for half-price. Now again, there\u2019s a limit on this; the offer is good this week and next week only, so we need for you to sign up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, get the information you need about when a getaway is going to be in a city where you live or a city you\u2019d like to visit, and then block out that weekend on your calendar and join us for a fun and relaxing, romantic, two-and-a-half day getaway for couples, where you can focus on one another and learn more about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014what the Bible has to say about things like resolving conflict, and intimacy in marriage, and a whole wide variety of subjects that make up a healthy, strong, vibrant marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you can find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com, or if you have any questions about the getaway, call us at 1-800-FLTODAY and we can answer any questions you have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jim, you\u2019re working with hundreds of college students at Azusa Pacific University there in southern California.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Specifically conflict\u2014what are you seeing in them around that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. No, I think that a lot of these people think that when they get married they\u2019re not going to conflict, and they weren\u2019t taught how to have good conflict, and maybe they didn\u2019t have healthy role models. Now again, most of these young people are people who are coming out of Christian homes. So again, I think it goes back to us teaching them how to have healthy conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I would say the millennial crowd, and Gen Z right behind them\u2026it\u2019s funny when you look at them, because we have all these fears about them, but one of the number one things that they always want\u2014they do it later in life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014is they want a good marriage, and they want to be good parents. So I think they\u2019re really teachable. So I find that they\u2019re very open to learning about relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that we say as we teach on conflict at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that we do is that conflict is common to all marriages. The issue is not, \u201cHow do you not have conflict,\u201d the issue is, \u201cHow do you respond when you do have conflict?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Bible teaches us what to do in resolving conflict. It says, \u201cIf possible as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.\u201d We\u2019re supposed to work this out, but we have to kind of dig behind the emotions we\u2019re feeling and get to, \u201cWhat are the core issues that are going on that are feeding this conflict?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, when we do disagree\u2014and we will disagree about things\u2014are we disagreeing about things that are really important, or are we disagreeing about things where we can think differently and that\u2019s okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have to agree to disagree, many times. I find with Kathy\u2014it\u2019s funny. I mean, my background is education, her background is education, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe and I looked at the kids\u2019 education differently, and that caused conflict for us. Finally I went, \u201cWait. She\u2019s doing a really good job. I wouldn\u2019t do it that way, but she\u2019s doing a really good job, kind of leading the way with some of this education.\u201d So I kind of went, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going to play passive aggressive; I\u2019m just going to let her lead, and I\u2019m going to follow in this instance. I\u2019m not going to pout or back up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuess what? You know, our kids have gotten great degrees, they are wonderful people, and Kathy did a great job\u2014still, today, not the way I would have done it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that Barbara and I argue about or we have conflict about is, neither one of us likes to be wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, the issue, who does like to be wrong?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>[Laughter]<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, so let\u2019s get honest there. But, nonetheless, you have to remain teachable. If you want to do an interesting word study in the book of Proverbs, go all the way through and take the word \u201clisten,\u201d and listen to who the author of Proverbs challenges us to listen to. You listen to the voice of wisdom (which is God), you listen to your father\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who\u2019s in authority over you as a child, you listen with a teachable spirit to those you go to church with\u2014it doesn\u2019t mention church in there, but it\u2019s talking about having wise counsel around you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the issue of resolving conflict, I think\u2014and this is one of the big issues Barbara and I talk about\u2014it demands a teachable spirit. If you\u2019re not teachable, that can be the death of a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if you\u2019re sitting down with a couple in the first year of marriage and they just say, \u201cJim, we got blind-sided by this, but we find ourselves in conflict regularly. We are separating, I\u2019m sleeping on the couch, we can\u2019t seem to fix this. We see things so differently. We never saw this coming. Do we sign up for marriage counseling? What do we do to try to fix this situation?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Learning how to communicate more effectively is a learned trait. So, go to marriage counseling if marriage counseling\u2019s going to help. Be in a small group. Go through a book with videos, if that\u2019s going to be the case. Definitely spend\u2014I tell people every time I\u2019m speaking on marriage, I say, you know\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cGo to one conference a year, read one book a year.\u201d I mean, they do it for business, why wouldn\u2019t they do it in this world? So, do everything you can to learn how to communicate more effectively, because part of learning how to communicate effectively is realizing that you are going to agree to disagree, and it just\u2014you know, we have a phrase in the book <em>The First Years of Marriage<\/em> where we say, \u201cDoes it really matter?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, most stuff doesn\u2019t matter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know in my own life there are times when I\u2019ve walked out of the room or I was going to work or whatever, and I\u2019m like, \u201cDoes it really matter? Well, I guess it really doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d Now, if it matters, you\u2019re going to have to have the fight. Nobody wants to have this \u201cspirited discussion\u201d that Dennis used; nobody wants to have that, but sometimes you must have it to get through it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, many times I think you just have to say, you know, \u201cDoes it really matter?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jim, all this week as you\u2019ve talked about and coached couples who are starting out their marriage together, you have repeatedly mentioned small groups.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want you to underscore the importance for a young couple starting out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the importance of being in a group of peers, but also being in a group that perhaps has a mentor that can coach you and call you up and maybe confront bad habits as they start, and prevent them from becoming a cancer in the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right. You know, if somebody said to me, \u201cI\u2019m getting married; what do you suggest?\u201d I probably wouldn\u2019t say to them, \u201cHere, go read this book or read that book.\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cDo you have mentors, and do you have a small group?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Bible says, \u201cWhere there is no counsel the people fall, but in a multitude of counselors there is safety.\u201d I think that in a small group setting, where we kind of share life together, that\u2019s where it works. I find that this generation of younger people who are getting married, they get, again, so busy that they don\u2019t put the time in with the small group.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKathy and I were in a group for about seven years, a couples group. We leaned on each other, our kids were about the same age, and we would talk about kid stuff, we would talk about marriage stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you would talk about conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly! And you know what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of people sometimes saying, \u201cOh, I have an answer for you,\u201d they\u2019d laugh and go, \u201cThat\u2019s our problem, too,\u201d and I\u2019d walk out going, \u201cHallelujah! Somebody else has the same problem.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It takes the pressure off of it, to know that other people struggle in the same area, because I think sometimes we\u2019ll get isolated, and we think we\u2019re the only people on the planet that struggle in this way. We look at church and we think, \u201cI\u2019ll bet Jim Burns and Kathy, I bet they don\u2019t struggle there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly. Our pastor, not too long ago, I was sitting next to his wife, and my wife was on the other side, and I was going to speak that day. He got up and said something, \u201cWe have Jim coming, he\u2019s going to be talking on marriage.\u201d He said, \u201cWe got in the biggest fight\u2026\u201d I leaned over to his wife, as she was saying, \u201cI\u2019m so mad that he just said that in church,\u201d you know, kind of messing around, and I said, \u201cThe rise of marriage counseling this week is going to go crazy for him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater on, it did. Why? Because he was transparent. He was open and honest and vulnerable about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, going back to the idea of accepting conflict, once a couple can accept that there\u2019s going to be conflict, then they can work through it, but oftentimes it\u2019s better in a small group. I\u2019ve been in a group for 16 years with five men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you know, at first we talked about sports and politics, because that\u2019s what guys do. Then one day one of the guys said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m struggling in my marriage.\u201d He opened up his life to us, and we all jumped in. So today I\u2019m a better husband and a better father because of those guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honestly, if I was in trouble or if they were in trouble we would stop what we\u2019re doing, if\u2014you know, I\u2019m here in Little Rock today, but if I was in trouble, those guys would fly and come and get me, whatever it is, because of the depth of relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t find that people in their younger marriage put that kind of energy into it. And Kathy did a little bit, but that\u2019s what I think couples need today and couples really want, but again, that takes time and intentionality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Can we talk about something that I think most newly married couples think is going to be the easiest part of their marriage, and probably most couples getting married today it\u2019s something they\u2019ve already experienced, sexual intimacy. They get into the first few years of marriage, and they go, \u201cWhy is this not the easiest thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhy are we having issues here?\u201d They\u2019re not going to go tell their friends, \u201cHey, we\u2019re struggling in this area of our marriage,\u201d because that just feels too embarrassing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I hope that they would get the kind of help, because there is help in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 But you\u2019re right, most don\u2019t. Well, you know, the fact is that so many couples\u2014you mentioned this\u2014so many couples start out probably on the wrong spot, but there is redemption, and people can make changes. But one of the things about sexual intimacy is that sometimes we don\u2019t really understand that word. Intimacy, again, means connection. So, what I have to tell young couples all the time is, before sexual intimacy there has to be emotional intimacy. Sometimes men don\u2019t understand that, especially.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou develop a physical intimacy. I know in Kathy\u2019s and my 44 years, some of the sparks from the beginning aren\u2019t always there, but it\u2019s better, because we\u2019ve developed this incredible relationship of communication, and there\u2019s a beauty to it. But we also had to get some of the things even out of our heads.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, remember, both of us weren\u2019t raised in Christian homes. But there are people who I know who are raised in Christian homes also\u2026 We even had this in our head\u2014we had to get some of those tapes out of our head. You know, \u201cSex is dirty, rotten, horrible, so save it for the one you love.\u201d What is it all about? But, you know, I\u2019d talked to somebody who\u2019d been married 40 years, still had struggles with this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we need a theology of healthy sexuality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the word \u201ctheology\u201d; what does it mean? The study of God. A theology of healthy sexuality means that, you know, God created sex. He sees it as good in the context of marriage. Our sexuality is a gift from God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo when we begin to understand that and explore the part of the beauty of intimacy and not just the technique\u2014because many people have been raised with this. A lot of these younger folks, too, have been raised with pornography. So, because pornography is now so prevalent in the culture, the first act of sexuality isn\u2019t something kind of goofy that happens on your honeymoon; it\u2019s imitating the \u201cart\u201d of what they saw with pornography. There\u2019s a lot of disappointment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we have to help them really understand what it means to have a purity of heart and accept the beauty of God\u2019s creation; a man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. That\u2019s Matthew 19:4-6. Jesus is talking about sexuality there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. Help a couple who may not have ever addressed sexual sins of the past, prior to marriage, whether it was pornography or other partners of them being sexually active outside of marriage. If those things go unaddressed, if couples don\u2019t deal with the fact that \u201cwe made some bad decisions here and we need to confess this before God and need to seek forgiveness from one another,\u201d that can sow seeds in a marriage that undermine their sexual relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it really does. I agree with you, Bob. I think that partly, when you\u2019re looking at even pre-marriage counseling and pre-marriage education, we have to be able to help them kind of unload that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I heard you say is that they\u2019re bringing a lot of baggage into a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 You want every person\u2014I wrote a book years ago called <em>The Purity Code<\/em>. It says, \u201cIn honor of God, my family, my future spouse, I commit to sexual purity.\u201d How great is that? But everybody\u2019s not going to do that. But, for those who do that, they have a lot less baggage coming in. For those who you mentioned, I think you get help before you get married, and then if it\u2019s the issue while you\u2019re in those first few years, work through those issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs it easy? No! Is it sometimes complicated? Is it sometimes embarrassing? Yes, but there are people who can help them work through the issues with a whole lot of grace and redemption. I just imagine that there\u2019s a healing process that can take place, and I see it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Talk about those couples who were raised in a Christian home, heard the purity challenge, wore the ring, and saved themselves for marriage, and thought, \u201cBecause I did this, now I\u2019m going to have a magnificent sex life in marriage,\u201d and they go, \u201cThat didn\u2019t happen the way I thought it was going to.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right. I hear that a lot, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut again, at the same time, I think it\u2019s partly our job as people who are going to speak to this subject to say it may not work exactly like you thought it was going to work, so let\u2019s have the conversation of, \u201cHow do we go through the process, a lifelong process, of developing the physical intimacy?\u201d Sometimes we have to go back to whatever we heard, because maybe we heard a message, but it was the wrong message, or it was very guilt-producing, or whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we have to help them unpack that message that they thought they heard. Because the message, the God-honoring message, is a beautiful message.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sex thrives in the midst of a relationship that\u2019s safe, where two people trust one another. Bob mentioned one way of dealing with things that we bring into the marriage, dealing with the past issues; but there\u2019s another way we build trust, and that\u2019s by building guardrails at the top of the cliff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to know, what guardrails have you established to keep you from the bottom of the cliff, from running off the road\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and into the arms of another woman and destroying your trust with Kathy? I\u2019m talking about practically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about the Billy Graham\/Pence rule kind of stuff? Is that what you\u2019re asking about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly. I want to know what you\u2019ve worked out with Kathy so that she really trusts you implicitly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019s a number of things, and actually the Billy Graham\/Pence rule, which I knew as the Billy Graham rule before I knew it as the Mike Pence rule, I think that\u2019s a great rule. I\u2019m shocked\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that is\u2026? Just in case somebody doesn\u2019t know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And basically that is, for me personally\u2014you asked me personally\u2014so, I never travel with a woman on the other side; we\u2019re not even in the same plane. I\u2019m not in a car; when I come to get picked up, I don\u2019t have a woman pick me up. That\u2019s not because I can\u2019t have a nice relationship with the opposite sex, just simply more the appearance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How about lunch? Having lunch?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Lunch? No lunch, no coffees.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dinner?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 No dinners. What we do at home, if I\u2019m going to meet with the opposite sex, a woman, we have\u2014my office has a big window, so the whole thing is a window, glass door, and somebody else has to be there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I wouldn\u2019t take a late appointment with a woman, because I\u2019m not going to be there by myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the other part of it is I have to start thinking in my own mind as well and saying this to Kathy; but, you know, if I start dressing not for Kathy, but for somebody else\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ah! Good, I like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014or if I hear myself sharing something that\u2019s really kind of secretive or intimate to somebody else and not to Kathy, then I know I\u2019m stepping over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I find that when I build those guardrails, if you would, when I build the guardrails, if I step over guardrails that are actually quite conservative, but if I step over those guardrails, that doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m on my way to have an affair that day; what it says is that if I step over those guardrails and I\u2019ve already said to Kathy, \u201cI don\u2019t do that,\u201d I need to have a conversation with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I say this, and just recently a woman picked me up instead of\u2014the husband couldn\u2019t come. She by no means\u2014I mean, we say this, we\u2019re so clear. So I just picked up the phone and called Kathy and said, \u201cHi, I got picked up. So-and-so\u2014\u201d and I explained what was going on, without her really understanding it. I didn\u2019t want to throw her under the bus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just simply was polite and said, \u201cHey, the next time I\u2019d like to have somebody else take me back.\u201d And again, no offense to that woman. So I think we have to be careful; I mean, I wasn\u2019t going to say, \u201cI\u2019m not getting in the car with you.\u201d There are people who would do that, and I respect that. But I think we have to have those guardrails, and my guardrails are very tight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, at the same time, I have to be in a small group where I\u2019m asking tough questions. I\u2019m in a situation with a group of men where we say, \u201cHave you done anything inappropriate, even in your mind?\u201d We didn\u2019t start with that, and then we kind of moved to the mind. So that makes for a very interesting conversation. But I feel loved and cared for by those guys, and I think I\u2019m making decisions not just for my love for Kathy and my love for God, but sometimes it\u2019s because I don\u2019t want those guys hassling me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, can you lie? Sure. I\u2019ve been in relationships with people who lied through it. They were doing the same kind of thing I\u2019m doing (I thought), and then they lied through it. We\u2019ve had another big fall here in the states recently with someone who I adore and admire and respect and have spent a lot of time with. I went, \u201cWhat? What happened there?\u201d So, can you fake it? Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think the more you talk about it, the more you build those beautiful guardrails, it does two things. One, it keeps you from making a poor choice, but it also gives your spouse a lot of confidence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean, Kathy Burns has confidence in me. Early on, I think she had more jealousy. We were young, and she wondered. But I don\u2019t think she has that as much now, because she\u2019s seen that we\u2019ve built really healthy guardrails.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks for remaining faithful and being God\u2019s man, both in public and in private.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you for what you guys do. I love and adore what you do, and I\u2019m sending people all the time to <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, because it\u2019s a great program. Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and you heard me say earlier that if you want to attend one of our spring getaways, or if you just want to let your friends know about the upcoming spring getaways, this week and next week they can register and save 50 percent off the regular rate. This is an offer we\u2019re making for our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and it\u2019s available, again, this week and next week. You can sign up for any of the upcoming getaways. We have about 60 of them happening this spring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOut where you live, in southern California, there are three or four getaways happening there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, again, if you want to know where the getaway is coming to a city near where you live or a city you\u2019d like to visit this spring, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FLTODAY to get more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. Of course, if you register this week or next week you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have, on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, information about the book we\u2019ve been talking about, <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em> by Jim Burns and Doug Fields. You can order the book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order. 1-800-FLTODAY is the number. Again, the book is called <em>The First Few Years of Marriage: Eight Ways to Strengthen Your \u201cI Do\u201d<\/em>. This would be a great anniversary gift to a couple you know who are in the first few years of marriage. Get more information at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FLTODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we\u2019re going to talk about the reality of spiritual warfare when it comes to marriage. Is it possible your marriage is under spiritual attack? The answer is yes, it is under spiritual attack, and we\u2019re going to talk more about how we recognize that, and how we do battle on behalf of our marriage, with our guest, Tim Muelhoff, who will join us tomorrow. I hope you can be back with us for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:27:02"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["24.75M"],"filesize_raw":["25953361"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-300021.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-300021.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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couple will have conflict. But it's how they handle that conflict that makes all the difference. Jim Burns explains that fear is often hiding behind our defensiveness. But once you realize your fears, you can face them and handle conflict better.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylifetoday.com\/fl2019-01-16.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Bob: <\/strong>This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> for Wednesday, January 16<sup>th<\/sup>. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, would you say you have a good theology of sexuality\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>1:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014or is that an issue in your marriage? We\u2019ll talk more about how we think rightly about marital intimacy, with our guest today, Jim Burns. Stay with us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Thanks for joining us.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think a lot of young couples, when they get married, there\u2019s this thought that one of the reasons they\u2019re going to be a great couple is because they never fight, you know, during their courtship, during their dating. They just never have had any conflict, and they think this is how it\u2019s going to be for the rest of their marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019d just like to say to them, \u201cWake up,\u201d right?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>[Laughter]<\/strong> \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong><strong>\u00a0 <\/strong>I actually know a couple who had been married over four decades and who boasted they\u2019d never had a fight. I actually had the thought, \u201cI feel sorry for you.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You took their pulse to see if they\u2019re still alive?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>2:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, it\u2019s like, you know, in a relationship, you marry someone who has a different view of life, a different perspective, different personality, and if you\u2019ve never rubbed one another the wrong way or disappointed each other, then where are the expectations in the relationship?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe guy across the table from me, who\u2019s nodding his head, is the author of <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em>, Jim Burns. You agree, Jim?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I totally agree. In fact, I think you become intimate by, sometimes, fighting.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Arguing.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Absolutely.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Spirited discussion.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 That\u2019s what we called it with our kids, when they would look up at us and go, \u201cI think Mom and Dad are getting a little hot here with each other.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cOkay, kids. It\u2019s okay. We\u2019re committed for a lifetime; we\u2019re not going anywhere. We\u2019re just having a little stimulating conversation.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And by the way, that\u2019s a good thing to say in parenting. You need to be able to role model that, because if they never see you have those spirited conversations, then they\u2019re thinking when they get married that that\u2019s not going to happen. That happened in my life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>3:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy parents never argued, or at least they never argued in front of me. So when Kathy and I got married and we had arguments and we had spirited discussions, I thought, \u201cSomething\u2019s really wrong with her,\u201d because of course I thought I was okay.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And then if they ramp up, and scale up to a real intense heat, you need to reschedule the discussion to a private spot.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing. A lot of people, when they have conflict in marriage, their first conclusion is, \u201cI\u2019ve selected the wrong person. If I had selected the right person, it would be a conflict-free marriage.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn your book, <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em>, that Dennis mentioned, that you wrote with Doug Fields, one of the eight ways to strengthen your \u201cI do\u201d that you talk about in your book is to learn how to have healthy conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And healthy conflict is not something that\u2019s negative; it\u2019s actually very positive. You are going to disagree. What we had to feel and look at in our own lives was, \u201cWhat are some of those fears that cause us to get defensive?\u201d I would say both Kathy and I, one of the biggest issues was that we were getting defensive.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>4:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Mm-hmm.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And the defensiveness said, for me, the fear that I had was that \u201cshe won\u2019t like me.\u201d Why? I don\u2019t know, but that\u2019s what my issue was. With Kathy it was, \u201cIs Jim going to leave me?\u201d You know, we talked about the fact that, you know, if you talk about divorce, then there\u2019s that fear factor. So Kathy had a fear that I would leave, so we would get defensive, go back and forth. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, we had to find out that those were our fears, so we had to face through those fears and work past that, and realize that there\u2019s a positive way to do conflict and there\u2019s a negative way to do conflict. The positive way says, \u201cLet\u2019s look at this conflict and let\u2019s handle it together.\u201d The negative way is to be defensive, and then we have a little conflict dance where it just continues to go from defensiveness to resentment, bitterness, and the next thing you know you don\u2019t even like that person\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014when you really started on a bad way by going negative, but you can have positive conflict. People don\u2019t think those two words go together, but they do.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. This is something that you know we talk [about] at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway, about conflict and healthy conflict, and the question is not, \u201cHow do we keep from having conflict in marriage?\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>5:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014but, \u201cWhat do we do when conflict arises? How can we maintain our oneness in marriage when we\u2019re at odds with one another on sometimes unimportant things, sometimes significant things?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to remind our listeners about the special offer we\u2019re making this week for listeners to attend a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaway. We have about 60 getaways happening this spring in cities all across the country. If you register for a getaway this week, you can save 50 percent off the regular registration fee. You and your spouse can attend for half-price. Now again, there\u2019s a limit on this; the offer is good this week and next week only, so we need for you to sign up.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGo to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, get the information you need about when a getaway is going to be in a city where you live or a city you\u2019d like to visit, and then block out that weekend on your calendar and join us for a fun and relaxing, romantic, two-and-a-half day getaway for couples, where you can focus on one another and learn more about\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>6:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014what the Bible has to say about things like resolving conflict, and intimacy in marriage, and a whole wide variety of subjects that make up a healthy, strong, vibrant marriage relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, you can find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com, or if you have any questions about the getaway, call us at 1-800-FLTODAY and we can answer any questions you have.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jim, you\u2019re working with hundreds of college students at Azusa Pacific University there in southern California.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Specifically conflict\u2014what are you seeing in them around that?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. No, I think that a lot of these people think that when they get married they\u2019re not going to conflict, and they weren\u2019t taught how to have good conflict, and maybe they didn\u2019t have healthy role models. Now again, most of these young people are people who are coming out of Christian homes. So again, I think it goes back to us teaching them how to have healthy conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I would say the millennial crowd, and Gen Z right behind them\u2026it\u2019s funny when you look at them, because we have all these fears about them, but one of the number one things that they always want\u2014they do it later in life\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>7:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014is they want a good marriage, and they want to be good parents. So I think they\u2019re really teachable. So I find that they\u2019re very open to learning about relationships.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that we say as we teach on conflict at the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> marriage getaways that we do is that conflict is common to all marriages. The issue is not, \u201cHow do you not have conflict,\u201d the issue is, \u201cHow do you respond when you do have conflict?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Bible teaches us what to do in resolving conflict. It says, \u201cIf possible as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.\u201d We\u2019re supposed to work this out, but we have to kind of dig behind the emotions we\u2019re feeling and get to, \u201cWhat are the core issues that are going on that are feeding this conflict?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd then, when we do disagree\u2014and we will disagree about things\u2014are we disagreeing about things that are really important, or are we disagreeing about things where we can think differently and that\u2019s okay?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 We have to agree to disagree, many times. I find with Kathy\u2014it\u2019s funny. I mean, my background is education, her background is education, too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>8:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe and I looked at the kids\u2019 education differently, and that caused conflict for us. Finally I went, \u201cWait. She\u2019s doing a really good job. I wouldn\u2019t do it that way, but she\u2019s doing a really good job, kind of leading the way with some of this education.\u201d So I kind of went, \u201cYou know what? I\u2019m not going to play passive aggressive; I\u2019m just going to let her lead, and I\u2019m going to follow in this instance. I\u2019m not going to pout or back up.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGuess what? You know, our kids have gotten great degrees, they are wonderful people, and Kathy did a great job\u2014still, today, not the way I would have done it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 One of the things that Barbara and I argue about or we have conflict about is, neither one of us likes to be wrong.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Now, the issue, who does like to be wrong?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>[Laughter]<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Okay, so let\u2019s get honest there. But, nonetheless, you have to remain teachable. If you want to do an interesting word study in the book of Proverbs, go all the way through and take the word \u201clisten,\u201d and listen to who the author of Proverbs challenges us to listen to. You listen to the voice of wisdom (which is God), you listen to your father\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>9:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014who\u2019s in authority over you as a child, you listen with a teachable spirit to those you go to church with\u2014it doesn\u2019t mention church in there, but it\u2019s talking about having wise counsel around you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut the issue of resolving conflict, I think\u2014and this is one of the big issues Barbara and I talk about\u2014it demands a teachable spirit. If you\u2019re not teachable, that can be the death of a marriage.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, if you\u2019re sitting down with a couple in the first year of marriage and they just say, \u201cJim, we got blind-sided by this, but we find ourselves in conflict regularly. We are separating, I\u2019m sleeping on the couch, we can\u2019t seem to fix this. We see things so differently. We never saw this coming. Do we sign up for marriage counseling? What do we do to try to fix this situation?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Learning how to communicate more effectively is a learned trait. So, go to marriage counseling if marriage counseling\u2019s going to help. Be in a small group. Go through a book with videos, if that\u2019s going to be the case. Definitely spend\u2014I tell people every time I\u2019m speaking on marriage, I say, you know\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>10:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014\u201cGo to one conference a year, read one book a year.\u201d I mean, they do it for business, why wouldn\u2019t they do it in this world? So, do everything you can to learn how to communicate more effectively, because part of learning how to communicate effectively is realizing that you are going to agree to disagree, and it just\u2014you know, we have a phrase in the book <em>The First Years of Marriage<\/em> where we say, \u201cDoes it really matter?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, most stuff doesn\u2019t matter.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I know in my own life there are times when I\u2019ve walked out of the room or I was going to work or whatever, and I\u2019m like, \u201cDoes it really matter? Well, I guess it really doesn\u2019t matter.\u201d Now, if it matters, you\u2019re going to have to have the fight. Nobody wants to have this \u201cspirited discussion\u201d that Dennis used; nobody wants to have that, but sometimes you must have it to get through it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, many times I think you just have to say, you know, \u201cDoes it really matter?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Jim, all this week as you\u2019ve talked about and coached couples who are starting out their marriage together, you have repeatedly mentioned small groups.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I just want you to underscore the importance for a young couple starting out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>11:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014the importance of being in a group of peers, but also being in a group that perhaps has a mentor that can coach you and call you up and maybe confront bad habits as they start, and prevent them from becoming a cancer in the relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right. You know, if somebody said to me, \u201cI\u2019m getting married; what do you suggest?\u201d I probably wouldn\u2019t say to them, \u201cHere, go read this book or read that book.\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cDo you have mentors, and do you have a small group?\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, the Bible says, \u201cWhere there is no counsel the people fall, but in a multitude of counselors there is safety.\u201d I think that in a small group setting, where we kind of share life together, that\u2019s where it works. I find that this generation of younger people who are getting married, they get, again, so busy that they don\u2019t put the time in with the small group.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tKathy and I were in a group for about seven years, a couples group. We leaned on each other, our kids were about the same age, and we would talk about kid stuff, we would talk about marriage stuff\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And you would talk about conflict.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly! And you know what?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>12:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tInstead of people sometimes saying, \u201cOh, I have an answer for you,\u201d they\u2019d laugh and go, \u201cThat\u2019s our problem, too,\u201d and I\u2019d walk out going, \u201cHallelujah! Somebody else has the same problem.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 It takes the pressure off of it, to know that other people struggle in the same area, because I think sometimes we\u2019ll get isolated, and we think we\u2019re the only people on the planet that struggle in this way. We look at church and we think, \u201cI\u2019ll bet Jim Burns and Kathy, I bet they don\u2019t struggle there.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly. Our pastor, not too long ago, I was sitting next to his wife, and my wife was on the other side, and I was going to speak that day. He got up and said something, \u201cWe have Jim coming, he\u2019s going to be talking on marriage.\u201d He said, \u201cWe got in the biggest fight\u2026\u201d I leaned over to his wife, as she was saying, \u201cI\u2019m so mad that he just said that in church,\u201d you know, kind of messing around, and I said, \u201cThe rise of marriage counseling this week is going to go crazy for him.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLater on, it did. Why? Because he was transparent. He was open and honest and vulnerable about it.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut, going back to the idea of accepting conflict, once a couple can accept that there\u2019s going to be conflict, then they can work through it, but oftentimes it\u2019s better in a small group. I\u2019ve been in a group for 16 years with five men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>13:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, you know, at first we talked about sports and politics, because that\u2019s what guys do. Then one day one of the guys said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m struggling in my marriage.\u201d He opened up his life to us, and we all jumped in. So today I\u2019m a better husband and a better father because of those guys.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Honestly, if I was in trouble or if they were in trouble we would stop what we\u2019re doing, if\u2014you know, I\u2019m here in Little Rock today, but if I was in trouble, those guys would fly and come and get me, whatever it is, because of the depth of relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI don\u2019t find that people in their younger marriage put that kind of energy into it. And Kathy did a little bit, but that\u2019s what I think couples need today and couples really want, but again, that takes time and intentionality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Can we talk about something that I think most newly married couples think is going to be the easiest part of their marriage, and probably most couples getting married today it\u2019s something they\u2019ve already experienced, sexual intimacy. They get into the first few years of marriage, and they go, \u201cWhy is this not the easiest thing?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>14:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u201cWhy are we having issues here?\u201d They\u2019re not going to go tell their friends, \u201cHey, we\u2019re struggling in this area of our marriage,\u201d because that just feels too embarrassing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I hope that they would get the kind of help, because there is help in that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sure.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 But you\u2019re right, most don\u2019t. Well, you know, the fact is that so many couples\u2014you mentioned this\u2014so many couples start out probably on the wrong spot, but there is redemption, and people can make changes. But one of the things about sexual intimacy is that sometimes we don\u2019t really understand that word. Intimacy, again, means connection. So, what I have to tell young couples all the time is, before sexual intimacy there has to be emotional intimacy. Sometimes men don\u2019t understand that, especially.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou develop a physical intimacy. I know in Kathy\u2019s and my 44 years, some of the sparks from the beginning aren\u2019t always there, but it\u2019s better, because we\u2019ve developed this incredible relationship of communication, and there\u2019s a beauty to it. But we also had to get some of the things even out of our heads.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>15:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, remember, both of us weren\u2019t raised in Christian homes. But there are people who I know who are raised in Christian homes also\u2026 We even had this in our head\u2014we had to get some of those tapes out of our head. You know, \u201cSex is dirty, rotten, horrible, so save it for the one you love.\u201d What is it all about? But, you know, I\u2019d talked to somebody who\u2019d been married 40 years, still had struggles with this.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think we need a theology of healthy sexuality.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 So, the word \u201ctheology\u201d; what does it mean? The study of God. A theology of healthy sexuality means that, you know, God created sex. He sees it as good in the context of marriage. Our sexuality is a gift from God.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo when we begin to understand that and explore the part of the beauty of intimacy and not just the technique\u2014because many people have been raised with this. A lot of these younger folks, too, have been raised with pornography. So, because pornography is now so prevalent in the culture, the first act of sexuality isn\u2019t something kind of goofy that happens on your honeymoon; it\u2019s imitating the \u201cart\u201d of what they saw with pornography. There\u2019s a lot of disappointment.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>16:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we have to help them really understand what it means to have a purity of heart and accept the beauty of God\u2019s creation; a man will leave his father and mother, be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. That\u2019s Matthew 19:4-6. Jesus is talking about sexuality there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. Help a couple who may not have ever addressed sexual sins of the past, prior to marriage, whether it was pornography or other partners of them being sexually active outside of marriage. If those things go unaddressed, if couples don\u2019t deal with the fact that \u201cwe made some bad decisions here and we need to confess this before God and need to seek forgiveness from one another,\u201d that can sow seeds in a marriage that undermine their sexual relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes, it really does. I agree with you, Bob. I think that partly, when you\u2019re looking at even pre-marriage counseling and pre-marriage education, we have to be able to help them kind of unload that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>17:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat I heard you say is that they\u2019re bringing a lot of baggage into a relationship.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 You want every person\u2014I wrote a book years ago called <em>The Purity Code<\/em>. It says, \u201cIn honor of God, my family, my future spouse, I commit to sexual purity.\u201d How great is that? But everybody\u2019s not going to do that. But, for those who do that, they have a lot less baggage coming in. For those who you mentioned, I think you get help before you get married, and then if it\u2019s the issue while you\u2019re in those first few years, work through those issues.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIs it easy? No! Is it sometimes complicated? Is it sometimes embarrassing? Yes, but there are people who can help them work through the issues with a whole lot of grace and redemption. I just imagine that there\u2019s a healing process that can take place, and I see it all the time.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Talk about those couples who were raised in a Christian home, heard the purity challenge, wore the ring, and saved themselves for marriage, and thought, \u201cBecause I did this, now I\u2019m going to have a magnificent sex life in marriage,\u201d and they go, \u201cThat didn\u2019t happen the way I thought it was going to.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Right. I hear that a lot, too.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>18:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut again, at the same time, I think it\u2019s partly our job as people who are going to speak to this subject to say it may not work exactly like you thought it was going to work, so let\u2019s have the conversation of, \u201cHow do we go through the process, a lifelong process, of developing the physical intimacy?\u201d Sometimes we have to go back to whatever we heard, because maybe we heard a message, but it was the wrong message, or it was very guilt-producing, or whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo we have to help them unpack that message that they thought they heard. Because the message, the God-honoring message, is a beautiful message.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Sex thrives in the midst of a relationship that\u2019s safe, where two people trust one another. Bob mentioned one way of dealing with things that we bring into the marriage, dealing with the past issues; but there\u2019s another way we build trust, and that\u2019s by building guardrails at the top of the cliff.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes. Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 I want to know, what guardrails have you established to keep you from the bottom of the cliff, from running off the road\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>19:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u2014and into the arms of another woman and destroying your trust with Kathy? I\u2019m talking about practically.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 You\u2019re talking about the Billy Graham\/Pence rule kind of stuff? Is that what you\u2019re asking about?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Exactly. I want to know what you\u2019ve worked out with Kathy so that she really trusts you implicitly.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 There\u2019s a number of things, and actually the Billy Graham\/Pence rule, which I knew as the Billy Graham rule before I knew it as the Mike Pence rule, I think that\u2019s a great rule. I\u2019m shocked\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 And that is\u2026? Just in case somebody doesn\u2019t know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 And basically that is, for me personally\u2014you asked me personally\u2014so, I never travel with a woman on the other side; we\u2019re not even in the same plane. I\u2019m not in a car; when I come to get picked up, I don\u2019t have a woman pick me up. That\u2019s not because I can\u2019t have a nice relationship with the opposite sex, just simply more the appearance.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 How about lunch? Having lunch?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Lunch? No lunch, no coffees.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Dinner?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 No dinners. What we do at home, if I\u2019m going to meet with the opposite sex, a woman, we have\u2014my office has a big window, so the whole thing is a window, glass door, and somebody else has to be there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>20:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo I wouldn\u2019t take a late appointment with a woman, because I\u2019m not going to be there by myself.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, the other part of it is I have to start thinking in my own mind as well and saying this to Kathy; but, you know, if I start dressing not for Kathy, but for somebody else\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ah! Good, I like that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 \u2014or if I hear myself sharing something that\u2019s really kind of secretive or intimate to somebody else and not to Kathy, then I know I\u2019m stepping over. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I find that when I build those guardrails, if you would, when I build the guardrails, if I step over guardrails that are actually quite conservative, but if I step over those guardrails, that doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m on my way to have an affair that day; what it says is that if I step over those guardrails and I\u2019ve already said to Kathy, \u201cI don\u2019t do that,\u201d I need to have a conversation with her.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, I say this, and just recently a woman picked me up instead of\u2014the husband couldn\u2019t come. She by no means\u2014I mean, we say this, we\u2019re so clear. So I just picked up the phone and called Kathy and said, \u201cHi, I got picked up. So-and-so\u2014\u201d and I explained what was going on, without her really understanding it. I didn\u2019t want to throw her under the bus.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>21:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI just simply was polite and said, \u201cHey, the next time I\u2019d like to have somebody else take me back.\u201d And again, no offense to that woman. So I think we have to be careful; I mean, I wasn\u2019t going to say, \u201cI\u2019m not getting in the car with you.\u201d There are people who would do that, and I respect that. But I think we have to have those guardrails, and my guardrails are very tight.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, at the same time, I have to be in a small group where I\u2019m asking tough questions. I\u2019m in a situation with a group of men where we say, \u201cHave you done anything inappropriate, even in your mind?\u201d We didn\u2019t start with that, and then we kind of moved to the mind. So that makes for a very interesting conversation. But I feel loved and cared for by those guys, and I think I\u2019m making decisions not just for my love for Kathy and my love for God, but sometimes it\u2019s because I don\u2019t want those guys hassling me.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, can you lie? Sure. I\u2019ve been in relationships with people who lied through it. They were doing the same kind of thing I\u2019m doing (I thought), and then they lied through it. We\u2019ve had another big fall here in the states recently with someone who I adore and admire and respect and have spent a lot of time with. I went, \u201cWhat? What happened there?\u201d So, can you fake it? Sure. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>22:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I think the more you talk about it, the more you build those beautiful guardrails, it does two things. One, it keeps you from making a poor choice, but it also gives your spouse a lot of confidence.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 I mean, Kathy Burns has confidence in me. Early on, I think she had more jealousy. We were young, and she wondered. But I don\u2019t think she has that as much now, because she\u2019s seen that we\u2019ve built really healthy guardrails.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thanks for remaining faithful and being God\u2019s man, both in public and in private.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Yes.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dennis:<\/strong>\u00a0 We appreciate you.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jim:<\/strong>\u00a0 Thank you for what you guys do. I love and adore what you do, and I\u2019m sending people all the time to <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>, because it\u2019s a great program. Thanks.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Bob:<\/strong>\u00a0 Well, and you heard me say earlier that if you want to attend one of our spring getaways, or if you just want to let your friends know about the upcoming spring getaways, this week and next week they can register and save 50 percent off the regular rate. This is an offer we\u2019re making for our <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> listeners, and it\u2019s available, again, this week and next week. You can sign up for any of the upcoming getaways. We have about 60 of them happening this spring. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>23:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOut where you live, in southern California, there are three or four getaways happening there.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo, again, if you want to know where the getaway is coming to a city near where you live or a city you\u2019d like to visit this spring, go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com, or call 1-800-FLTODAY to get more information about the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. Of course, if you register this week or next week you save 50 percent off the regular registration fee.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe also have, on our website at FamilyLifeToday.com, information about the book we\u2019ve been talking about, <em>The First Few Years of Marriage<\/em> by Jim Burns and Doug Fields. You can order the book from us online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call to order. 1-800-FLTODAY is the number. Again, the book is called <em>The First Few Years of Marriage: Eight Ways to Strengthen Your \u201cI Do\u201d<\/em>. This would be a great anniversary gift to a couple you know who are in the first few years of marriage. Get more information at FamilyLifeToday.com, or call to order: 1-800-FLTODAY.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>24:00<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow we\u2019re going to talk about the reality of spiritual warfare when it comes to marriage. Is it possible your marriage is under spiritual attack? The answer is yes, it is under spiritual attack, and we\u2019re going to talk more about how we recognize that, and how we do battle on behalf of our marriage, with our guest, Tim Muelhoff, who will join us tomorrow. I hope you can be back with us for that as well.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2019 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/300021","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=300021"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=300021"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=300021"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=300021"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=300021"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=300021"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=300021"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}