{"id":287730,"date":"2024-08-23T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-23T08:01:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr\/"},"modified":"2025-06-10T16:48:59","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T20:48:59","slug":"marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage Myths You Might Believe: Allen and Jennifer Parr"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Curious what marriage myths might be sucking your relationship under? Allen and Jennifer Parr expose the ways you&#8217;re being fed a line.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Curious what marriage myths might be sucking your relationship under? Allen and Jennifer Parr expose the ways you&#8217;re being fed a line.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/5cb139ea-4b1a-42b2-9909-b1cb00e8a883\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:37","filesize":"25.32M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2024-08-23 08:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2810,2901,2831],"tags":[2803],"podcast_series":[8788],"cwp_profile":[9956],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-287730","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-growing-spiritually","category-husbands","category-wives","tag-marriage-myths","podcast_series-dating-marriage-advice-allen-jennifer-parr","cwp_profile-allen-and-jennifer-parr","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/287730\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/287730\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"cBkdKIfSvh\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr\/\">Marriage Myths You Might Believe: Allen and Jennifer Parr<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marriage-myths-you-might-believe-allen-and-jennifer-parr\/embed\/#?secret=cBkdKIfSvh\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marriage Myths You Might Believe: Allen and Jennifer Parr&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"cBkdKIfSvh\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Curious what marriage myths might be sucking your relationship under? Allen and Jennifer Parr expose the ways you're being fed a line.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Help make YOUR mark: Your donation supports crucial resources for families and includes a special FamilyLife Pen and <a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/august-2024\/urgent-need\/?cru_source=FLTD24&amp;cru_medium=Icare&amp;cru_campaign=August2024&amp;_gl=1*i7nrhi*_gcl_aw*R0NMLjE3MTcwMTQ3ODQuQ2owS0NRandwTnV5QmhDdUFSSXNBTkpxTDlOZnNmVlp5TUhEOU55WG14QjFTbVhFb3FLTUFlM3dsRGZlLUUtaTh5U2NjN0hfSnNVQnNZc2FBbVhnRUFMd193Y0I.*_gcl_au*MTk2MDk5NjM3Mi4xNzE4NjM0NDIz*_ga*OTI3MTAyODQ4LjE2OTUxMjkzOTk.*_ga_85G8JM3S5D*MTcyMzQwNzQ5MC42MzkuMS4xNzIzNDA5NDc2LjQ2LjAuMTI4NjI3MTUzNg..&amp;_ga=2.4838195.1899240771.1723407491-927102848.1695129399\">Brant Hansen's book, \"Unoffendable\"\u2014join us today!<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Connect with Allen at <a href=\"http:\/\/allenparr.com\/\">allenparr.com<\/a> and watch Allen's latest episodes on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/@thebeatagp\">YouTube<\/a>. Catch him on social media on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/allenparrministries\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"http:\/\/instagram.com\/allengparr\">Insta<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/allengparr\">X<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Pick up his new book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/misled-7-lies-that-distort-the-gospel-and-how-you-can-discern-the-truth\/\">Misled: 7 Lies That Distort the Gospel (and How You Can Discern the Truth)<\/a>, in our shop!<\/li>\n<li>Explore FamilyLife's diverse <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/group-studies\/companion-workbooks\/\">selection of workbooks<\/a>, including the new Art of Marriage\u2014perfect for small groups, marriage events, and personal growth journeys!<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.allenparr.com\/red-flags-in-relationships\/\">Help spot the red flags in relationships<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-08-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Marriage Myths You Might Believe<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Allen and Jennifer Parr<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Dating and Marriage Advice (Day 2 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 23, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Before we get started today, let\u2019s talk [about] small groups.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, because everyone at this time of year starts thinking, \u201cWhat small group materials should I use?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, we\u2019ve led hundreds of groups, and you\u2019ve got to have great material. FamilyLife has you covered. We have great, great material. The Art of Marriage\u00ae, Vertical Marriage\u00ae; you name it, we\u2019ve got it, and it\u2019s on sale [for] the month of August. You go to FamilyLife.com\/shop, and it\u2019s 25 percent off.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Let me just say thank you to all the small group leaders. You are making a difference. Keep going.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Again, that\u2019s FamilyLife.com\/shop. Get 25 percent off right now.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: There\u2019s a saying that\u2014what is it?\u2014that men marry women hoping that they don\u2019t change, right?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014and they normally do.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014even though our bodies are going to change. Women marry men hoping that they will change or that we can change them.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We\u2019ll change them because we\u2019re so wonderful\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014they\u2019re just going to change.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How\u2019s that working?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Believe me, I tried.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Alright, we\u2019ve got the Parrs back in here. Allen and Jennifer are back.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Don\u2019t you love them?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I never\u2014I\u2019ve watched your YouTube\u00ae\u2014obviously, [but] we never met until you came to Orlando.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You guys are big YouTubers. [You have] millions of followers. Whoof!<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Did you ever see that happening?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: No, definitely not.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: No?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: It wasn\u2019t something that we went into thinking [would happen]. I was teaching high school math at the time I started the YouTube channel.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You have an engineering degree\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014and a theological degree.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014and a communications partner right here.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It makes sense that it works.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But it\u2019s cool that you started your YouTube channel the year that you got married.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, the first video was August 17, 2015. We got married on November 15, 2015. They happened at the same exact time.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You guys have been married eight years.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014eight years.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014eight years.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You have a five\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014two kids.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014five and seven.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014seven-year-old.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I didn\u2019t ask you yesterday. Any more kids on the\u2026you thinking? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Allen: We are still exploring the possibility.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Alright.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: We\u2019re factoring in a lot of things; like energy to keep up with the two we have now. [Laughter] What is it? You go from man defense to zone.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You go to zones.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014zone; that\u2019s what we heard.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: She knew that.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: I know. \u201cSo, you get those two and I\u2019m going to cover this one over here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Yes, divide and conquer.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s true, especially with three boys. Oh, my goodness, it was awesome; it was crazy.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014under five.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Let\u2019s talk. I know you do a lot of different things on your YouTube [channel], a lot on theology and helping people. But let\u2019s talk about relationships, marriage and relationships, like what are some of the myths.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Because there are a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: There are a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Do you wish that you would have had somebody to talk to you even more about what some of these myths are?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, I wish I had a YouTube video available\u2014 [Laughter] \u2014that I could have\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014a short one.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014gone to before marriage, not necessarily to determine whether I would have gotten married, but to set my expectations to understand.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: One of the myths that we\u2019ve talked about in the past is this myth that marriage will make me happy. That is a huge myth that I think many people, singles, myself included [believe] because whenever I was single, if I\u2019m being completely honest, I wasn\u2019t happy for quite a bit of the time as a single. I had quite a bit of times when I was, but in my mind, I thought, \u201cWhat will make me truly happy is if I can get married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>What I would want our listeners to understand is that while there is quite a bit of joy and happiness that comes with marriage, people always revert to who they really are. It\u2019s just a matter of time.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m sure you all know all the different science and different\u2014what is it? \u2014different hormones and different things that stimulate us that, when we\u2019re in love, there [are] all these, I don\u2019t know exactly what ones they are, but there are different things that come from our brains, different hormones that are released and different things like that make us feel so happy and so euphoric and so excited.<\/p>\n<p>I believe that God gives us that and He wants us to have that because that\u2019s what drives us to the altar. But those feelings of excitement and feelings of extreme euphoria are not designed to stay there. [It is] like what you mentioned in one of our other messages about when you get saved. First you are on fire because it\u2019s a new relationship and you want to tell everybody about Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s exactly that.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Sometime, 30 years later, it wears off.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: If you don\u2019t work hard at it.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Understanding that we always revert back to who we are. If you are a depressed single or someone who\u2019s not happy, if you get married thinking that marriage is going to bring you happiness, unfortunately it is going to be a sad reality because you are going to revert to who you are, which is why it\u2019s important to make sure that we do have some sense of emotional health and happiness when we\u2019re single because that\u2019s who we are going to be when we\u2019re married.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Jennifer, did you find that, too?<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Oh, yes. I think the reason why that\u2019s important, too, is if you marry for happiness, which as Allen said is important, when you are not happy, I think it\u2019s easy to end a marriage, too, for that same reason.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014because you say, \u201cI\u2019m not happy. You are not making me happy. We\u2019re not happy anymore.\u201d So, you think\u2014what we have said is you think you\u2019ve married the wrong person.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014because the right person will continually make me happy.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: The only person who will make you happy continually is Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Amen.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Even then your feelings are going to come and go.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: As I preached at my church for years, I had people who came up to say, because I was so honest about this fact, that you struggle and we struggle, and when we did marriage messages together, singles would come up and say, \u201cI don\u2019t know if I want to get married after hearing you guys because you talk about how hard it is. Isn\u2019t it good?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cYes, it\u2019s awesome,\u201d but we tried to be honest and say, \u2018It\u2019s hard; it\u2019s not the center and the source of your happiness.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How did you navigate that when you realized that?<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: I think that\u2019s another myth, that you don\u2019t have to work in marriage. We work to accomplish so many things in life. We work hard to get that job. We work hard to keep the job. We work hard in school. We work hard if we\u2019re training for a marathon, we work hard to train\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014to build a business.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014you\u2019re building a business.<\/p>\n<p>We work hard at everything else or things that we want. There is a myth that marriage doesn\u2019t take that much work or shouldn\u2019t or \u201cIt should be easy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Allen: It should just happen naturally.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014because love just flows. It\u2019s easy.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: It\u2019s because when we were dating it was easy for the most part. When I counsel dating couples and they\u2019re having a ton of conflict and a ton of arguing I always say, \u201cYou might want to reevaluate whether this is the right [one].\u201d Because when we were dating it was so easy. We were in love. We\u2019d talk for six, seven hours. The conflict was there but it was minimal.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s how it\u2019s supposed to be. If you are having extreme conflict when you\u2019re dating, that\u2019s supposed to be the easiest time.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That is a red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, that\u2019s a red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: That\u2019s a red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Exactly. We think, \u201cOh, marriage should be just like it was when we were dating.\u201d We didn\u2019t realize all these stressors that come into your relationship that erode your happiness. Those could be picking up extra hours at work or those could be a sickness or, as much as we love our kids and I\u2019m not going to call our kids stressors, but they provide more responsibility.<\/p>\n<p>These different things happen that weren\u2019t present when you were dating; therefore, these things can erode from this feeling of being euphoric all the time.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember, too\u2014we talked about this in Vertical Marriage, our book\u2014at year ten, I felt so unhappy. I really did think, \u201cI need to get my happiness back, but I can only get it back if Dave does A, B, C, because he\u2019s the problem and he\u2019s the reason I\u2019m not happy because he\u2019s not living out these things I want him to live.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That can happen to any of us at any time in a marriage. At one point, God impressed me with \u201cI never created Dave or made Dave to meet all of your needs or to make you happy. It\u2019s not his job; that\u2019s My job.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Man, when I get my eyes off Jesus, I put them on Dave and his weaknesses. Then I\u2019m not happy and I depend on somebody else to bring me my happiness. I think that is so common.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, I think that is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s a myth.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Is that what you would say to the couple that is listening right now and she or he is thinking, \u201cI\u2019m not happy. I\u2019m living where they said. What do I do?\u201d Is that what you would say?<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: I love that you said that when your eyes were removed from God or maybe there was disconnection for that season, it makes it easier to put them on something else or someone else.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014an idol.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014an idol; yes. I wish someone had told me that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me, too.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: That\u2019s why it\u2019s a myth. We talk about happiness and marriage is happy. That\u2019s another thing, too. It\u2019s beautiful. It was designed to be.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s your best friend.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Yes, but I did not realize how even that could become an idol: the searching for that happiness and that becomes an idol in the idea of being married; someone providing the happiness for you. Yes, it\u2019s bent all backwards.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It is. I feel like, too, that\u2019s why we need to be in the Word. It\u2019s a reminder it\u2019s that daily surrendering of my life: \u201cJesus, I give you my life. You\u2019re my King; I\u2019m going to follow You,\u201d because if I don\u2019t do that\u2014this is just me\u2014I can easily put all my expectations on Dave instead of God.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, and I always tell people that I think we\u2019re all responsible for our own happiness. If I\u2019m being fully transparent, there have been seasons in our marriage where my wife was struggling with\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014postpartum depression.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014postpartum depression, different things, yes. I don\u2019t know how much you want to know.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014anxiety.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014yes, anxiety, and I felt like \u201cI\u2019m good; I\u2019m happy.\u201d I wasn\u2019t able to relate to that.<\/p>\n<p>I think that one of the things that can be a great source of happiness is whenever you feel like you\u2019re really walking in God\u2019s purpose for your life. Oh, my goodness, then when seasons maybe whenever we were having, as we call it, intense fellowships or maybe having some disagreements or different tension, if you will, I didn\u2019t put all of my happiness in my marriage.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like, \u201cIf my marriage is having tension, then I\u2019m not happy.\u201d No, that\u2019s an aspect of my life, that\u2019s a compartment of my life, it\u2019s the most important part but I can still experience extreme happiness because I have this purpose that I\u2019m living out and I have things I love to do: I love to play golf; I love to ski, I love to do these things, so I have this ability to still find joy in life even when one part of my life might be tense.<\/p>\n<p>But when we feel like our marriage is everything of who we are, I feel that\u2019s when \u201cOkay, if I\u2019m not happy in my marriage, I\u2019m not happy as a person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s putting too much on a person, you are saying.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Or on the institution of marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, and in some ways, you said earlier, if you\u2019re not happy as a single it\u2019s probably going to creep into your marriage. I think what we do is blame our spouse for our unhappiness.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cEverything else in my life is fine but you\u2026\u201d That\u2019s wrong. She or he might be contributing to that\u2014obviously, because you are married\u2014but you\u2019re elevating that person bigger than they actually are the factor in your own happiness.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think we\u2014as women, there is this kind of high that we get from helping a man\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014changing a man thinking, \u201cOh, I\u2019m going to help him out of that, and I\u2019m going to bring him and help him and I\u2019m going to make him better.\u201d Girlfriend, sister, let me tell you: That is a wrong place to go. One, you are not going to change him. Maybe this is another myth: \u201cI\u2019m going to change him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Ooh! That\u2019s another good myth.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cI\u2019m going to make him better.\u201d No, you\u2019re not. We can influence; we have great power and influence over our spouse, but we are not going to change them. If you are dating someone and are thinking, \u201cI\u2019m going to change them,\u201d no, nope.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: We should have added that in our video.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: That\u2019s a word. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That is not your job. That is God\u2019s job.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Amen. I love that because there\u2019s a saying that, what is it? \u2014 \u201cThat men marry women hoping that they don\u2019t change,\u201d right?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: They normally do.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Our bodies are going to change; our hormones are going to change. \u201cAnd women marry men hoping that they will change or that we can change them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014will change them because we\u2019re so wonderful\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014they\u2019ll just going to change.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How\u2019s that working?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Believe me, I tried. [Laughter] But I\u2019ll tell you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: I\u2019m sure you tried hard.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014I tried hard. I\u2019m writing a book about it right now, but I will say that Jesus has changed both of us.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: That\u2019s what has to happen.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And to allow God to do that in His timing. But you can pray, man; be on your face praying.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Alright, do you have another myth?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Another myth is that sex in marriage should be normal, natural, easy, never have to work on it, never have to talk about it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: See, I\u2019m clapping. [Clapping] Thank you for talking about this.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: I\u2019m telling you, if you are attracted whenever you are dating, because we waited until we were married\u2014I know that everybody didn\u2019t do that\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We did, too.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014we waited until we were married\u2014we had previous experiences unfortunately before with others before we got married, but with each other, we waited. The expectation is \u201cI\u2019m attracted to you; you\u2019re attracted to me. We should be like rabbits. Put us in the same room, and we should be able to figure this all out. We should never have any issue at all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, that might be some people\u2019s testimony; it may be some people\u2019s thing. But it\u2019s just like anything else that it requires intentionality in many levels, [like] frequency. Different seasons\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, yes!<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014can change things. When you get married, and you don\u2019t have any kids, and you don\u2019t have any responsibilities\u2014we always joke that our first year of marriage we would go out to the movies on a Tuesday night.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014on a Tuesday night.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014like, who does that now? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We do it now as empty nesters.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You will do it again someday.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Oh, my goodness!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You\u2019re not going to do it for a long time.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: I\u2019m not ready for that yet, but when it happens, I\u2019ll be ready for it. But we used to be foot loose and fancy free.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: What is it called? \u201cThe DINK life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Allen and Jennifer: \u2014 \u201cdual income, no kids.\"<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: D-I-N-K.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I hadn\u2019t heard of that.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, we were rolling. [Laughter] But then when you have a toddler\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: \u2014responsibilities.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: \u2014and breastfeeding and slobber is going all over you, it\u2019s not the most romantic situation. Things can change. You have to work a little harder in those seasons.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The reality is that\u2019s a myth: \u201c[Sex] is going to be easy.\u201d Again, we\u2019re not saying there aren\u2019t some couples [who] have days and weeks and months and it\u2019s wonderful. Again, it\u2019s hard work. It\u2019s like any other part of your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But every couple [has] transitions in life with babies, with menopause. There are so many different things with stress, with physical things that are going on, so this is an area that we have to continually work on. I agree.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: It doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s going to stay that way. I love how we brought this full circle. We started out going to movies in the middle of the week and you just confirmed it\u2019s going to come back. You are going to go back to that season.<\/p>\n<p>What you\u2019re feeling in that season, the fatigue, sometimes you have the desire, but you don\u2019t have the energy, or you have the energy, but you don\u2019t have the desire because you of hormonal changes. Whatever it is, it is a season, and we shouldn\u2019t make permanent, not necessarily only decisions, but permanent ideas about that season thinking, \u201cSomething\u2019s wrong with me; somethings wrong with him; something\u2019s wrong with our sex life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Allen: We\u2019ve dealt with that thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me?\u201d because there have been seasons where maybe your desire wasn\u2019t as much as you would like it to be, which is very common with women.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014very.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: You were wondering, \u201cGod, is there something wrong with me?\u201d Then I was wondering, \u201cOkay, are you not attracted to me anymore? Is it me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I want our listeners and our viewers to know, if you are in that season, there is nothing wrong with you all. There might be some things you need to work out and talk through, but for the most part, these are normal, natural seasons that happen, like you said, especially when you have little kids.<\/p>\n<p>Those seasons specifically where you have to be very intentional about having conversations about expectations: \u201cOkay, what do you need now?\u201d What you need in this season might be very different than what I need in this season. You and I have talked about that. You might need more attention and more affection and more affirmation, and I might need more physical touch.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s where the conversation and communication have to be.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: One of the keys is what you just said, talk about it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: A lot of couples have a hard time talking about this area of their relationship because it can be awkward. You feel like, \u201cI\u2019m feeling things I don\u2019t want to say out loud.\u201d You may not know why she\u2019s not interested, and it\u2019s important to talk.<\/p>\n<p>Couples don\u2019t talk about this. They joke about it; they don\u2019t talk about it. So, just talk about it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s scary.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s a big one. Okay, [do you have] another myth?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, that marriage will cure my lust problem. There are a lot of people, and now adays I can\u2019t just say men, because men and women equally are struggling with lust, struggling with pornography, unfortunately. Statistics do show that it\u2019s as much of a women\u2019s issue as it is a men\u2019s issue.<\/p>\n<p>But when you are single you think, \u201cOkay, the solution to my lust problem is that I will be able to get married,\u201d so we need to make sure that we\u2019re not going into marriage thinking, \u201cAll I need to do to solve this problem, because I\u2019m burning with lust, is if I just get married this problem will go away.\u201d No, you still have to exercise extreme amounts of self-control when you get married, as well.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I totally agree. I\u2019ve talked to so many women who are engaged. I will ask them, \u201cHave you guys talked about pornography and if this has been an issue in either of your lives?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would say almost 100 percent of the time that person will say, \u201cYes, but we know that it won\u2019t be a problem after we get married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That is one of the biggest myths ever [and] that it will come back. Either spouse can feel incredibly betrayed and taken aback thinking, \u201cI didn\u2019t know this would be an issue.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, you\u2019ve got a full-blown problem and expectations of what you thought it would be like. Now you may not even want to be with this person.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Right; yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How do you encourage couples to talk about it before or after their marriage?<\/p>\n<p>Allen: I think that you hit on something. Whenever we are single, we have to be careful that we don\u2019t get so caught up being in love that we aren\u2019t willing to have a difficult conversation. We need to understand, \u201cWhat is the depth of this? Is this a serious full-blown addiction?\u201d We need to be open and honest, [asking], \u201cAre you watching this five times a day or whatever.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Get into that really. I might be hard because people may not want to be honest about it and things of that nature. But you need to know how much of a stronghold this is or whether something\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s a good word, stronghold.<\/p>\n<p>Allen: Yes, it\u2019s a stronghold because I\u2019ve seen so many people\u2019s marriages that have been derailed because of this issue, and I know you all have as well. I would say, \u201cBefore marriage, talk about it.<\/p>\n<p>After [you are] married, you are committed. There is nothing you can do there so in terms of getting out of it for that reason but at that point there needs to be some extreme accountability that is in place. But it can be very difficult if you are married to somebody who doesn\u2019t want that accountability or what not.<\/p>\n<p>But if there is a godly couple and you\u2019re listening and one or both of you are struggling with this, there needs to be some extreme accountability; something like Covenant Eyes, something like another couple, giving each other access to your passwords, to your browser history and things of that nature because if not, it can really hinder your intimacy.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We recently talked to Debra Fileta, who is a counselor and therapist. One of the things that she said was this is a matter of going deeper to see \u201cWhy is this a struggle?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think that too, to find a therapist, to get into the deeper levels of when you are triggered, something has happened when you are triggered, maybe not every time. It could be this habit you\u2019ve gotten into for a long time. But to think through with a godly biblical counselor, somebody that can get to the root of that.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Dave is going to have some closing thoughts for you that you\u2019ve got to hear in just a second. But first, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Allen and Jennifer Parr on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Allen has an incredibly successful YouTube channel. We\u2019re going to throw a link in the show notes to his YouTube channel called The Beat. You can check that out to learn more about Allen\u2019s ministry and how he uses YouTube to reach young people for Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s almost the end of August. As you are getting ready for small groups coming up in the fall, we wanted to let you know that all of our FamilyLife workbooks are now 25 percent off for the remainder of this month.<\/p>\n<p>You can go to the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com, look around, and pick out something that will work best for you. Again, head over to FamilyLifeToday.com or click on the link in the show notes.<\/p>\n<p>Alright, here\u2019s Dave with some closing thoughts.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: If you\u2019ve got a secret in your marriage, you\u2019ve got to bring it into the light. This area can be a secret for a man or a woman. It was in our marriage early. I had a secret. I thought, \u201cIt\u2019s a secret because I\u2019m going to win this thing. It\u2019s only one time.\u201d Until I brought it from the dark into the light\u2014because when it\u2019s in the dark the dark always wins\u2014I brought it in the light with my wife and then with men, healing began.<\/p>\n<p>James 5: \u201cYou confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed.\u201d It\u2019s interesting that healing is a part of that. I would say, if you are listening today and you are thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve got a secret, and I\u2019m losing this battle,\u201d you\u2019ve got tell somebody.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Let me add, I want you to remember this: Jesus is not running away from you; He\u2019s not disgusted by you; He loves you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: He\u2019s running to you.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, He wants to enter in to give you the power to find freedom. That\u2019s true for your marriage, too. He has the best for you as you follow Him and put Him number one in your life and in your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: That was so good.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Thanks, guys. It was great having you here. Allen: Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Jennifer: Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Coming up next week, do you ever feel the weight of mommy guilt? That\u2019s a thing; that\u2019s a real thing. Well, Maggie Combs is going to be here to talk about motherhood without all the rules. That\u2019s next week. We hope you will join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs? Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/287730","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=287730"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=287730"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=287730"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=287730"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=287730"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=287730"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=287730"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}