{"id":285603,"date":"2024-08-08T04:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-08-08T04:19:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown\/"},"modified":"2025-06-10T16:58:48","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T20:58:48","slug":"remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown\/","title":{"rendered":"Remarriage After Loss: Ron Deal and Rod &#038; Rachel Faulkner Brown"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Remarriage after loss is never easy. Rachel Faulkner Brown, widowed twice, shares her journey of loss, grief and eventual remarriage to her husband, Rod. Listen in to their conversation with Ron Deal about the complexities of blending families after loss.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Remarriage after loss is never easy. Rachel Faulkner Brown was widowed twice before marrying Rod. Listen in to their conversation with Ron Deal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/46940110-1b22-4d65-a16b-b1b50147d632\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:30:31","filesize":"27.98M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2024-08-08 04:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2936],"tags":[2732],"podcast_series":[8784],"cwp_profile":[9921,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-285603","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-remarriage","tag-remarriage","podcast_series-remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown","cwp_profile-rod-and-rachel-faulkner-brown","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/285603\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/285603\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"OOH1lRPGHT\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown\/\">Remarriage After Loss: Ron Deal and Rod &#038; Rachel Faulkner Brown<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/remarriage-after-loss-ron-deal-and-rod-rachel-faulkner-brown\/embed\/#?secret=OOH1lRPGHT\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Remarriage After Loss: Ron Deal and Rod &#038; Rachel Faulkner Brown&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"OOH1lRPGHT\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["46940110-1b22-4d65-a16b-b1b50147d632"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/46940110-1b22-4d65-a16b-b1b50147d632\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:30:31"],"filesize":["27.98M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280865"],"show_notes":["<ul>\n<li>Help make YOUR mark: Your donation supports crucial resources for families and includes a special FamilyLife Pen and Brant Hansen's book, \"\"Unoffendable\"\"\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/august-2024\/urgent-need\/?cru_source=FLTD24&amp;cru_medium=Icare&amp;cru_campaign=August2024\">join us today!<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Connect with Rachel and catch more of their ideas at <a href=\"https:\/\/rachelfaulknerbrown.net\/\">rachelfaulknerbrown.com<\/a> and find her on Insta at <a href=\"http:\/\/instagram.com\/rachelfaulknerbrown\">@rachelfaulknerbrown<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/133-remarrying-after-loss\/\">Listen to the full episode here<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Discover <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-smart-stepfamily\/\">more resources<\/a> and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>And think deeper about ministering to blended families at the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">Blended Summit<\/a> -- coming up in October.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Remarriage after Loss<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal, Rod Brown and Rachel Faulkner Brown<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Remarriage after Loss (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 8, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Ann: One of the favorite things that I think we get to do is we get to hear from some of our listeners.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, it\u2019s awesome.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Chris from Tennessee said this, \u201cI listen every day. I\u2019m so glad that you have the app; because if I miss a day, I can go back and listen to it. Oftentimes, I go back and listen to programs from before because they\u2019re worth repeating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Here\u2019s the great thing: there are millions of Chris\u2019s and Christine\u2019s out there, listening to the FamilyLife\u00ae broadcast, the podcasts; they\u2019re going to our Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage conferences; they\u2019re buying our resources. God is changing the world, one home at a time; and FamilyLife is a big part of that.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing: we want invite you to help us change the world.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, we have a goal of raising $250,000.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014this month, in the month of August!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s a big goal. But I tell you what: you can be a part of joining us\u2014and being a partner with us\u2014you can give at any level you like. You can do that: go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can make a donation.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And if you give, we\u2019re going to send you one of our favorite books by one of our favorite authors\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014Brant Hansen.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014Brant Hansen.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes; he\u2019s the best.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s called Unoffendable.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, you\u2019re never offended; neither am I. [Laughter] But no, it helps us to live an unoffendable life. And we\u2019re going to send you a limited edition FamilyLife pen so you can take notes of Brant\u2019s book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I want one of those.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s just another way to remember you\u2019re making a mark; and we\u2019re making a mark together. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a mark right now.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We need you.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: I think we had no idea what to expect. I think we both went in positively, and believing, \u201cGod has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out\u201d; and then, you get into things that are like, \u201cWhoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,\u201d\u2014or all those things.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The blood of family ministry at FamilyLife says that stepfamilies are born out of loss; and then, born into ambiguity, which is another loss. Let me tell you: that\u2019s a tough way to start a family.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s super true, but today\u2019s story reminds us that God has grace to see families through\u2014and not only to see them through\u2014but to see them grow and flourish in faith.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today, we get to hear a portion of the FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast with Ron Deal. He heads up our blended family ministry, here, at FamilyLife. Recently, he spoke to Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown about their family journey. We\u2019ve also had them on FamilyLife Today; what a great couple.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: As you\u2019re going to hear, Rachel and Rod\u2019s blended family was formed after Rachel was widowed\u2014listen to this\u2014twice. Sometimes, we think stepfamilies following the death of a parent, that can be easier; but as you\u2019re about to hear: that is not a fair assumption at all.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s one of the reasons our annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry\u00ae is so, so important. We\u2019ve talked about it, here, a lot. We help church leaders\u2014pastors and lay couples alike\u2014really learn how they can minister to blended families, no matter how they came to be.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The next Summit is October 10 and 11, 2024, in Dallas. Man, we\u2019d love for your church to come; or have somebody from your church there. You can check the show notes or go to SummitOnStepFamilies.com to learn more about it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Even if you\u2019re not in a blended family, listen to this discussion about loss, and just helping our kids; because that applies to every one of us. You might also listen to know just how to help a friend or family member in a blended family situation.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You may remember that Rachel was on FamilyLife Today with her daughter, Campbell, back in February.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014which was amazing.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, it was amazing; she was talking about her eating disorder. Man, she was so honest and so helpful. The family background for that story is the blended family story you\u2019re going to hear about today and tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Rachel Faulkner Brown is an author; she\u2019s a Bible teacher, who speaks to women and widows through her ministries called Be Still Ministries and Never Alone Widows. And then, her husband, Rod, is the lead strategic consultant with Irresistible Church Network; he\u2019s been in ministry for over 25 years.<\/p>\n<p>After being widowed, Rachel brought two children into their marriage, Davis and Campbell; so here we go.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I met the two of you at a, I believe, at a WinShape Marriage Conference Center in Rome, Georgia. You guys came and attended a seminar I did a number of years ago for stepfamily couples. I\u2019ve got to start here: Rachel, as I recall, you told me once you really didn't like what I had to say. Is that right? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0She did not like it at all. You ruined her entire weekend, [Laughter] which ruined my weekend, Ron.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: I was so distraught. You said it would take five to seven years. I was like, \u201cNo! That is not our story! I refuse; I reject that.\u201d I was just so like Pollyanna about the whole thing; I was like, \u201cNo, that is\u2014that is not\u2014we're just not going to struggle like this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Five to seven years\u2014oh, seven-plus; yes, for sure [Laughter]\u2014I mean, every bit of it. You were like all crock-potting\u2014and I'd already blended us in the Blendtec\u00ae [Laughter]\u2014it was like over; I mean, we were blended.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Looking back, what would you say about the crock pot approach now?<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0I'm a real big fan of the Instant Pot\u00ae\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014got you.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0\u2014so that says a lot about how I roll\u2014I'm like: pressure cooker. Honestly, crock pot is the best description of what we've had to do. I would say even the marination process\u2014we marinated for like three and a half years\u2014and then, we cooked. I wanted to just pressure cook it the day we got married. [Crock pot] is accurate.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: I think it's so important for people to know because, based on your expectations\u2014if you have high expectations, and thinking, \u201cHey, we're going to blend really quick and we're going to be perfect right off,\u201d\u2014you're going to be frustrated for so long when that's not happening. So to really understand, \u201cOh, that is going to take a while; we're not going to be where I want us to be for a while,\u201d\u2014if you can settle in there\u2014I think everything is a little bit\/the waves are smaller versus the waves being really big of having this expectation that everything is going to be smooth.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Set the stage for our listeners, if you would, Rod: \u201cWhat led up to you guys meeting? What came together? What's the backstory for you, for Rachel?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Sure.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Eventually, what I want to do is wrap back to what you just said and ask: \u201cSo how did you, as stepparent, have to settle into: \u2018This is going to take a while\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But let's just start with: \u201cWhat led to the two of you coming together?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rod: Yes, I was single for a long time. I met a friend of Rachel's probably a year and a half before she and I met. A couple of times she was just like\u2014I'd see her every now and then\u2014and she'd say, \u201cHey, I have this woman I'd like for you to meet.\u201d Every time, I was like, \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Finally, she made the introduction, and I think it was over email. Rachel, in the email back to me, was like, \u201cHey, did she tell you anything about my story?\u201d And I said, \u201cNo.\u201d She's like, \u201cWell, watch this video.\u201d I was like, \u201cWow! I get to watch a video about her story.\u201d [Laughter] Who doesn't like to watch a video? It was a video that her church did in Columbus, Mississippi. It basically [was] her sharing about having lost two husbands: you know, losing a husband at 23; and then, being widowed again at 30. I responded with, \u201cWow, that's a lot; but I'd still love to meet you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The first day we met, we probably spent six or seven hours together. I think that day I was just like, \u201cMan, I'd love to see this woman again; I'd like to get to know her better.\u201d That began, I think in October; and in March, we got engaged. It went pretty fast.<\/p>\n<p>At that point, I was 45 when I met her; 46 when we got married.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Rachel, expound a little bit on being widowed twice.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Ron, it's one of those things where you never think this is the way your life's going to turn out. I was starry-eyed, dating my college sweetheart. He has a massive aneurysm when I'm 23; he's 27. It's just\u2014you know, shocking doesn't even capture\u2014like that word is just so minuscule to what that is. It\u2019s seismic; that's probably a better word.<\/p>\n<p>I remarried two years later\u2014we didn't have kids\u2014I just became the single girl at 24\/25. I mean, it was just like: \u201cYes, that happened\u201d; but I very much compartmentalized it\u2014as someone who's very emotionally unhealthy would do\u2014and of course, I had no idea that word even existed.<\/p>\n<p>I didn't grieve Blair or Todd, not until I was 35. Rod met me in that; you know, I think 33 was the implosion. Anyway, bottom line, I remarried two years later\u2014still very unhealed, still carrying a secret\u2014I just take all that stuff that had compiled into my marriage with Blair; I mean, he was a family friend.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Then, you had the two kids, Davis and Campbell; and that new marriage starts. And then, what happens when you\u2019re 30?<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: He goes out on a beautiful sunny day to fly his beloved T-38, which is a fighter trainer, and ready to go Mach 1; gorgeous blue-sky day with a student pilot, who was 22\u2014and his wife was 7 months pregnant\u2014in the backseat. They took off with a full tank of gas, and both were instantly killed because the cable in the wing broke.<\/p>\n<p>I was left with a five-month-old little girl and a two-year-old little boy, widowed twice; but I mean, this time was insanely different. I mean, you know, it was epic. If I thought Todd's death was seismic, I mean, this was like an earthquake around the world. This was like, you know, tectonic plates shifting in my life.<\/p>\n<p>I did a lot of things well; I did a lot of things really wrong. That's why I started Never Alone; I was like, \u201cWell, maybe, I can help one or two widows to not make the same mistakes.\u201d I was so desperate to assuage those deaths by meeting someone who knew those husbands. I was so determined to marry Todd's best friend, just to keep a part of Todd, a part of me. I see that a lot with widows. We so want to take a part of what was into what could be. And I did that with Todd, and I did it with Blair; and I'm just like, \u201cOh wow, I wish I wouldn't have done that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So really, I mean, it was like: \u201cI wish I wouldn't have done this,\u201d and \u201cLet me go help somebody else not do that,\u201d\u2014not make, as I say, red flags pink. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve mentioned, already, that blended families start with loss; but as you can tell, the backstory really matters to how that new marriage begins. Let\u2019s go back and keep listening, because there\u2019s a lot more to Rod and Rachel\u2019s story.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: So you guys meet; you start to date. You're on this journey of beginning to figure out grief, and sadness, and sorrow, and all that.<\/p>\n<p>Rod, I\u2019ve got to turn to you, and say, \u201cOkay, so she brought all this to the table. I'm wondering what you saw; what you didn't see. In hindsight, what did you miss? How was your attitude and heart about meeting her as it related to the grief that she was carrying?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Oh yes, Rod, please share. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Wow, great question. I don't even know how I can\/if I can answer that adequately. When I met her, I just saw a really strong, awesome woman\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014survivor.<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Yes; I saw somebody who was super positive, loved adventure, loves just surprises\u2014well, maybe not surprises\u2014but getting out there, just doing things she wasn't planning on doing; you know, just being open to the world. Yes, I just saw these positive things.<\/p>\n<p>I think, for me, what I always wanted was a partner. I met Rachel; and she was just like immediately partnering with me, even in dating. I just was like, \u201cWow, this is something I always wanted,\u201d\u2014I knew that; I knew that, in me\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cI want a partner\u201d; I'd verbalized that before: partner in ministry, partner in life. I think we talked a little bit about the other things; but it just seemed, most of the time, she was just excited and ready to roll in life, that our relationship was fun and great.<\/p>\n<p>I enjoyed the children. I've always wanted to be a dad; so that was a huge bonus for me to get two beautiful, awesome kids. I think we were both probably looking at mostly the positives.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: Looking back: \u201cWhat did I miss?\u201d I don't know whether I'd say I missed this in her; but I think what we missed was sitting with a couple, who had maybe been through what we were about to go through\u2014you know, had a blended family\u2014and could kind of sit down with us, and say, \u201cHey, these are some things you might want to think about.\u201d Maybe somebody, who'd been single for a long time, like me; somebody who'd been married before, like her, and just like walk through with us of what we could potentially expect; because I think we had no idea what to expect.<\/p>\n<p>I think we both went in positively, and believing, \u201cGod has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out\u201d; and then, you get into things that are like, \u201cWhoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,\u201d\u2014or all those things.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Yes, we were us-ness\u2014you know, what is it?\u2014us-ness that you talk about.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes; yes.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: And family-ness, like we were like professionals on that.<\/p>\n<p>Early on, I had really limited how much Rod saw the kids; because I had introduced the kids to another man, whom I was dating. Hindsight, living in two different cities, that was even hard. I was talking to Campbell last night; I said, \u201cWhat would you have done different?\u201d She was like, \u201cI wish we could have spent more time together before y'all got married. I wish we could have done more family dinners.\u201d I'm like, \u201cMe, too; but he lived in Atlanta, and we lived in Huntsville.\u201d You know, there's things I wish. It\u2019s so tricky for widows, especially because you don't want to like commit and go move somewhere if you're like just to try it out.<\/p>\n<p>There is such a trust factor with blending. It is like: \u201cI trust God: I trust God, financially. I trust God, like, \u2018This is who You've planned for me\u2019\u201d; because you can doubt that upside one; down the other. Once we committed to each other\u2014and I will say, for us, we were very committed from pretty much January on\u2014I never thought Rod was going to bail; I never doubted that.<\/p>\n<p>At the same time, once we were engaged, it was as good as if we were married\u2014I mean, that wasn't the truth; we were in different cities\u2014but at the same time, we were\/the ball was rolling. Engagement was really too late; it's kind of like, \u201cOnce you're engaged, it's like: \u2018We're on\u2019\u201d; Rod's like, \u201cOh, there was always an out.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod: She doesn't know what I did the day of: you know, I drove my car a long way.\u00a0[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Well, I just want to add a little comment there for our listeners and viewers: you know, when your kids are really, really young as yours were, Rachel, it really is wise to go slowly in introducing them to a dating partner; because they can fall in love with that person, you know, deeper and wider and with more intensity than you are, or have; and so that's important.<\/p>\n<p>If they're over the age of five, then there's this sort of gradual\u2014general recommendation is\u2014a gradual introduction, building relationship, but spending more time. The more time they can spend together, the more everybody has confidence that: \u201cThere's something here we have to work with.\u201d Not that we've got everything formed before the wedding; that never happens, because crock potting doesn't start until the wedding. I'm a firm believer in that. Whatever time you've invested is beneficial\u2014it's adding some heat, if you will, to the pot itself; it's readying everybody to begin to cook\u2014but the cooking doesn't really start until it's real.<\/p>\n<p>Here's the thing: we all do the best we can with what we know and what we know to do. And there's always hindsight; there's always looking back\u2014there's always some regret [that] will come along with that\u2014\u201cOkay; alright, but what do we do with it now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I'm sure everybody listening, right now, thought: \u201cYes, there are things in me I didn't know before I got married again,\u201d \u201cThere\u2019re things in you I definitely didn't see before we got married again,\u201d \u201cI had no idea, for example, how that grief was going to come out of you in different moments or how grief was going to come out of the kids.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know what? Let's talk about that for a second. I'm curious\u2014now, they were really young\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014but that doesn't mean they're not grieving, one. Number two\u2014and the way children grieve is over time\u2014so when they're ten, and when they're sixteen, and when they're\u2014new layers of life and new things pop up in their mind. They have to think back about how life was or would have been.<\/p>\n<p>I'm just curious: \u201cAs you guys have looked over the last ten years, what have you seen in the children that you would just say, \u2018Yes, that was grieving,\u2019 \u2018That was transition,\u2019 \u2018That was adjustment\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We\u2019ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.<\/p>\n<p>Ron Deal,\u00a0the host of the podcast, now joins us in the studio. Wow! You left us with a cliff hanger, Ron!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I know. [Laughter] Here\u2019s the bottom line: people are going to have to listen tomorrow to hear the answer. I\u2019m here to tell you: their kids definitely did have some transition; and grief did show up in a number of significant ways.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, we heard, at the beginning, Ron\u2014you guys were laughing a little bit\u2014because they really didn\u2019t want to believe what you say about how long it takes a stepfamily to form. We\u2019ve actually quoted you, many times, saying the same thing.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I find it, sometimes, hard to believe. Talk about that a little bit: is that common for stepfamilies, or even any of us, to believe it takes\u2014we say seven years\u2014is that right, Ron?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014to form their identity.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s right. It really takes, on average, anywhere from four to seven years for the average blended family to settle their\u2014I like to say it this way: their family-ness\u2014to figure out who they are; how they are going to connect\u2014that identity, as you said, Ann. It just takes longer than people think.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s good news and bad news in that. Let me just tell you: wherever I go\u2014whenever I\u2019m speaking to a live event at a church; or in our book, The Smart Stepfamily\u2014we unpack this in great detail. It is shocking the first time for somebody to hear that; because they think, \u201cWait;\u201d\u2014they\u2019re beginning to calculate\u2014\u201cwe love each other. Yes, the kids are coming along. They\u2019re maybe not as excited about this as we, as husband and wife are; but it\u2019s not going to take very long. I mean, everybody\u2019s going to love each other quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hey, you can like each other; you can get along. We all have family members that we get along with; we don\u2019t, necessarily, have a deep intimate connection with extended family. The same thing happens in stepfamilies\u2014and that\u2019s common\u2014it just takes a while. As you guys know, there\u2019s a metaphor that we use that\u2019s really helpful for people to just sort of see this for what it is. It\u2019s: \u201cHow do you cook a stepfamily?\u201d question. We all want to cook it in a blender or microwave, because that takes about 30 seconds; and then, it\u2019s done and ready, and everything\u2019s good to go.<\/p>\n<p>But it just doesn\u2019t work that way\u2014on average, it takes five to seven years\u2014that\u2019s kind of analogous to cooking it in a crock pot: that it takes five, six, seven, eight hours, depending on what you\u2019re making, for it to really taste good. Yes, you could jump into the stew an hour or two in\u2014and you could eat it\u2014but I wouldn\u2019t recommend that. [Laughter] I mean, that\u2019s going to be ugly to taste; somebody\u2019s going to get sick and go to the hospital.<\/p>\n<p>No, it takes six\/seven hours; then, by then, what has happened, guys? I know you know this, Dave, just from your family experience\u2014you guys have watched and seen this in others\u2014what happens in a crock pot? Everything warms up on its own time; it then softens\u2014the ingredients soften\u2014and then, they begin to share of themselves.<\/p>\n<p>That is, essentially, what has to happen: each person has to find their warm-up. They have to find a way to then soften that outer shell: those loyalties, or those questions they have; or \u201cHow does grief impact my bonding with the present relationships now?\u201d All of that has to sort of get figured out before I start sharing myself with another person and really forming family-ness. We help people understand that, and settle into the process, so that they can make the most of it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I know that, probably for Ann and I, it took us five years, without any kids, to be married.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Hey, me, too, brother.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It takes time. And you\u2019re going to throw in other kids\u2014teenagers; you name it\u2014I know, when my dad got remarried, it was, at least, seven years\u2014maybe, ten years\u2014before I felt like my stepmother was sort of my mom. Obviously, that\u2019s part of the whole thing.<\/p>\n<p>Tell us a little bit about the Summit.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is our premier ministry-equipping event for leaders. Leader, in our book, is anybody who cares to know and understand stepfamilies better so they can minister to them in a local church context. That\u2019s from senior pastors, adult ed people, to children\u2019s pastors, youth pastors, as well as, lay couples. We have tons of couples who are living the blended family life; and they, now, want to help somebody else in their community or in their church.<\/p>\n<p>Come to this event, whether you\u2019re just beginning, or whether you\u2019ve been doing it for a number of years; we\u2019re going to network; we\u2019re going to talk; we\u2019re going to share best practices; we\u2019re going to get you equipped to go back and make a difference for the kingdom.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Sign up and get somebody from your church to go as well.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Can\u2019t wait to hear the rest of it tomorrow, Ron. Thanks for being with us.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You bet.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott; and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown, on FamilyLife Today. Well, they said it all: the Summit is coming up October 10-11 in Plano, Texas. You can find out more by heading over to FamilyLifeToday.com; you can get the link in the show notes there.<\/p>\n<p>You can, obviously, tell we really believe in reaching blended families. We believe in reaching families of all kinds, because families are where decisions are made and the world can change. If you reach families today, you reach the world tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>If you want to make your mark on reaching blended families, or families of any kind, you can partner with us and make a contribution to ensure FamilyLife\u2019s ongoing support of reaching families all over the world. You do that by partnering with us at FamilyLifeToday.com, making a donation there. Or can feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation; again, the number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop a donation in the mail if you\u2019d like; our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, Ron Deal is back with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown to talk about the unique losses experienced by children in blended families. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you\u2019ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776513801;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Remarriage after loss is never easy. Rachel Faulkner Brown was widowed twice before marrying Rod. Listen in to their conversation with Ron Deal.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Help make YOUR mark: Your donation supports crucial resources for families and includes a special FamilyLife Pen and Brant Hansen's book, \"\"Unoffendable\"\"\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/august-2024\/urgent-need\/?cru_source=FLTD24&amp;cru_medium=Icare&amp;cru_campaign=August2024\">join us today!<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Connect with Rachel and catch more of their ideas at <a href=\"https:\/\/rachelfaulknerbrown.net\/\">rachelfaulknerbrown.com<\/a> and find her on Insta at <a href=\"http:\/\/instagram.com\/rachelfaulknerbrown\">@rachelfaulknerbrown<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/133-remarrying-after-loss\/\">Listen to the full episode here<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Discover <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-smart-stepfamily\/\">more resources<\/a> and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>And think deeper about ministering to blended families at the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">Blended Summit<\/a> -- coming up in October.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-08-08.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Remarriage after Loss<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal, Rod Brown and Rachel Faulkner Brown<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Remarriage after Loss (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 8, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Ann: One of the favorite things that I think we get to do is we get to hear from some of our listeners.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, it\u2019s awesome.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Chris from Tennessee said this, \u201cI listen every day. I\u2019m so glad that you have the app; because if I miss a day, I can go back and listen to it. Oftentimes, I go back and listen to programs from before because they\u2019re worth repeating.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Here\u2019s the great thing: there are millions of Chris\u2019s and Christine\u2019s out there, listening to the FamilyLife\u00ae broadcast, the podcasts; they\u2019re going to our Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage conferences; they\u2019re buying our resources. God is changing the world, one home at a time; and FamilyLife is a big part of that.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing: we want invite you to help us change the world.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, we have a goal of raising $250,000.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014this month, in the month of August!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s a big goal. But I tell you what: you can be a part of joining us\u2014and being a partner with us\u2014you can give at any level you like. You can do that: go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can make a donation.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And if you give, we\u2019re going to send you one of our favorite books by one of our favorite authors\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014Brant Hansen.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014Brant Hansen.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes; he\u2019s the best.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s called Unoffendable.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, you\u2019re never offended; neither am I. [Laughter] But no, it helps us to live an unoffendable life. And we\u2019re going to send you a limited edition FamilyLife pen so you can take notes of Brant\u2019s book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I want one of those.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s just another way to remember you\u2019re making a mark; and we\u2019re making a mark together. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and make a mark right now.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We need you.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: I think we had no idea what to expect. I think we both went in positively, and believing, \u201cGod has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out\u201d; and then, you get into things that are like, \u201cWhoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,\u201d\u2014or all those things.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The blood of family ministry at FamilyLife says that stepfamilies are born out of loss; and then, born into ambiguity, which is another loss. Let me tell you: that\u2019s a tough way to start a family.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s super true, but today\u2019s story reminds us that God has grace to see families through\u2014and not only to see them through\u2014but to see them grow and flourish in faith.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today, we get to hear a portion of the FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast with Ron Deal. He heads up our blended family ministry, here, at FamilyLife. Recently, he spoke to Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown about their family journey. We\u2019ve also had them on FamilyLife Today; what a great couple.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: As you\u2019re going to hear, Rachel and Rod\u2019s blended family was formed after Rachel was widowed\u2014listen to this\u2014twice. Sometimes, we think stepfamilies following the death of a parent, that can be easier; but as you\u2019re about to hear: that is not a fair assumption at all.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s one of the reasons our annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry\u00ae is so, so important. We\u2019ve talked about it, here, a lot. We help church leaders\u2014pastors and lay couples alike\u2014really learn how they can minister to blended families, no matter how they came to be.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The next Summit is October 10 and 11, 2024, in Dallas. Man, we\u2019d love for your church to come; or have somebody from your church there. You can check the show notes or go to SummitOnStepFamilies.com to learn more about it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Even if you\u2019re not in a blended family, listen to this discussion about loss, and just helping our kids; because that applies to every one of us. You might also listen to know just how to help a friend or family member in a blended family situation.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You may remember that Rachel was on FamilyLife Today with her daughter, Campbell, back in February.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014which was amazing.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, it was amazing; she was talking about her eating disorder. Man, she was so honest and so helpful. The family background for that story is the blended family story you\u2019re going to hear about today and tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Rachel Faulkner Brown is an author; she\u2019s a Bible teacher, who speaks to women and widows through her ministries called Be Still Ministries and Never Alone Widows. And then, her husband, Rod, is the lead strategic consultant with Irresistible Church Network; he\u2019s been in ministry for over 25 years.<\/p>\n<p>After being widowed, Rachel brought two children into their marriage, Davis and Campbell; so here we go.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I met the two of you at a, I believe, at a WinShape Marriage Conference Center in Rome, Georgia. You guys came and attended a seminar I did a number of years ago for stepfamily couples. I\u2019ve got to start here: Rachel, as I recall, you told me once you really didn't like what I had to say. Is that right? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0She did not like it at all. You ruined her entire weekend, [Laughter] which ruined my weekend, Ron.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: I was so distraught. You said it would take five to seven years. I was like, \u201cNo! That is not our story! I refuse; I reject that.\u201d I was just so like Pollyanna about the whole thing; I was like, \u201cNo, that is\u2014that is not\u2014we're just not going to struggle like this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Five to seven years\u2014oh, seven-plus; yes, for sure [Laughter]\u2014I mean, every bit of it. You were like all crock-potting\u2014and I'd already blended us in the Blendtec\u00ae [Laughter]\u2014it was like over; I mean, we were blended.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Looking back, what would you say about the crock pot approach now?<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0I'm a real big fan of the Instant Pot\u00ae\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014got you.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0\u2014so that says a lot about how I roll\u2014I'm like: pressure cooker. Honestly, crock pot is the best description of what we've had to do. I would say even the marination process\u2014we marinated for like three and a half years\u2014and then, we cooked. I wanted to just pressure cook it the day we got married. [Crock pot] is accurate.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: I think it's so important for people to know because, based on your expectations\u2014if you have high expectations, and thinking, \u201cHey, we're going to blend really quick and we're going to be perfect right off,\u201d\u2014you're going to be frustrated for so long when that's not happening. So to really understand, \u201cOh, that is going to take a while; we're not going to be where I want us to be for a while,\u201d\u2014if you can settle in there\u2014I think everything is a little bit\/the waves are smaller versus the waves being really big of having this expectation that everything is going to be smooth.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Set the stage for our listeners, if you would, Rod: \u201cWhat led up to you guys meeting? What came together? What's the backstory for you, for Rachel?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Sure.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Eventually, what I want to do is wrap back to what you just said and ask: \u201cSo how did you, as stepparent, have to settle into: \u2018This is going to take a while\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But let's just start with: \u201cWhat led to the two of you coming together?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rod: Yes, I was single for a long time. I met a friend of Rachel's probably a year and a half before she and I met. A couple of times she was just like\u2014I'd see her every now and then\u2014and she'd say, \u201cHey, I have this woman I'd like for you to meet.\u201d Every time, I was like, \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Finally, she made the introduction, and I think it was over email. Rachel, in the email back to me, was like, \u201cHey, did she tell you anything about my story?\u201d And I said, \u201cNo.\u201d She's like, \u201cWell, watch this video.\u201d I was like, \u201cWow! I get to watch a video about her story.\u201d [Laughter] Who doesn't like to watch a video? It was a video that her church did in Columbus, Mississippi. It basically [was] her sharing about having lost two husbands: you know, losing a husband at 23; and then, being widowed again at 30. I responded with, \u201cWow, that's a lot; but I'd still love to meet you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The first day we met, we probably spent six or seven hours together. I think that day I was just like, \u201cMan, I'd love to see this woman again; I'd like to get to know her better.\u201d That began, I think in October; and in March, we got engaged. It went pretty fast.<\/p>\n<p>At that point, I was 45 when I met her; 46 when we got married.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Rachel, expound a little bit on being widowed twice.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Ron, it's one of those things where you never think this is the way your life's going to turn out. I was starry-eyed, dating my college sweetheart. He has a massive aneurysm when I'm 23; he's 27. It's just\u2014you know, shocking doesn't even capture\u2014like that word is just so minuscule to what that is. It\u2019s seismic; that's probably a better word.<\/p>\n<p>I remarried two years later\u2014we didn't have kids\u2014I just became the single girl at 24\/25. I mean, it was just like: \u201cYes, that happened\u201d; but I very much compartmentalized it\u2014as someone who's very emotionally unhealthy would do\u2014and of course, I had no idea that word even existed.<\/p>\n<p>I didn't grieve Blair or Todd, not until I was 35. Rod met me in that; you know, I think 33 was the implosion. Anyway, bottom line, I remarried two years later\u2014still very unhealed, still carrying a secret\u2014I just take all that stuff that had compiled into my marriage with Blair; I mean, he was a family friend.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Then, you had the two kids, Davis and Campbell; and that new marriage starts. And then, what happens when you\u2019re 30?<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: He goes out on a beautiful sunny day to fly his beloved T-38, which is a fighter trainer, and ready to go Mach 1; gorgeous blue-sky day with a student pilot, who was 22\u2014and his wife was 7 months pregnant\u2014in the backseat. They took off with a full tank of gas, and both were instantly killed because the cable in the wing broke.<\/p>\n<p>I was left with a five-month-old little girl and a two-year-old little boy, widowed twice; but I mean, this time was insanely different. I mean, you know, it was epic. If I thought Todd's death was seismic, I mean, this was like an earthquake around the world. This was like, you know, tectonic plates shifting in my life.<\/p>\n<p>I did a lot of things well; I did a lot of things really wrong. That's why I started Never Alone; I was like, \u201cWell, maybe, I can help one or two widows to not make the same mistakes.\u201d I was so desperate to assuage those deaths by meeting someone who knew those husbands. I was so determined to marry Todd's best friend, just to keep a part of Todd, a part of me. I see that a lot with widows. We so want to take a part of what was into what could be. And I did that with Todd, and I did it with Blair; and I'm just like, \u201cOh wow, I wish I wouldn't have done that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So really, I mean, it was like: \u201cI wish I wouldn't have done this,\u201d and \u201cLet me go help somebody else not do that,\u201d\u2014not make, as I say, red flags pink. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve mentioned, already, that blended families start with loss; but as you can tell, the backstory really matters to how that new marriage begins. Let\u2019s go back and keep listening, because there\u2019s a lot more to Rod and Rachel\u2019s story.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: So you guys meet; you start to date. You're on this journey of beginning to figure out grief, and sadness, and sorrow, and all that.<\/p>\n<p>Rod, I\u2019ve got to turn to you, and say, \u201cOkay, so she brought all this to the table. I'm wondering what you saw; what you didn't see. In hindsight, what did you miss? How was your attitude and heart about meeting her as it related to the grief that she was carrying?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Oh yes, Rod, please share. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Wow, great question. I don't even know how I can\/if I can answer that adequately. When I met her, I just saw a really strong, awesome woman\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014survivor.<\/p>\n<p>Rod:\u00a0Yes; I saw somebody who was super positive, loved adventure, loves just surprises\u2014well, maybe not surprises\u2014but getting out there, just doing things she wasn't planning on doing; you know, just being open to the world. Yes, I just saw these positive things.<\/p>\n<p>I think, for me, what I always wanted was a partner. I met Rachel; and she was just like immediately partnering with me, even in dating. I just was like, \u201cWow, this is something I always wanted,\u201d\u2014I knew that; I knew that, in me\u2014it\u2019s like, \u201cI want a partner\u201d; I'd verbalized that before: partner in ministry, partner in life. I think we talked a little bit about the other things; but it just seemed, most of the time, she was just excited and ready to roll in life, that our relationship was fun and great.<\/p>\n<p>I enjoyed the children. I've always wanted to be a dad; so that was a huge bonus for me to get two beautiful, awesome kids. I think we were both probably looking at mostly the positives.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Rod: Looking back: \u201cWhat did I miss?\u201d I don't know whether I'd say I missed this in her; but I think what we missed was sitting with a couple, who had maybe been through what we were about to go through\u2014you know, had a blended family\u2014and could kind of sit down with us, and say, \u201cHey, these are some things you might want to think about.\u201d Maybe somebody, who'd been single for a long time, like me; somebody who'd been married before, like her, and just like walk through with us of what we could potentially expect; because I think we had no idea what to expect.<\/p>\n<p>I think we both went in positively, and believing, \u201cGod has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out\u201d; and then, you get into things that are like, \u201cWhoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,\u201d\u2014or all those things.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: Yes, we were us-ness\u2014you know, what is it?\u2014us-ness that you talk about.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes; yes.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel: And family-ness, like we were like professionals on that.<\/p>\n<p>Early on, I had really limited how much Rod saw the kids; because I had introduced the kids to another man, whom I was dating. Hindsight, living in two different cities, that was even hard. I was talking to Campbell last night; I said, \u201cWhat would you have done different?\u201d She was like, \u201cI wish we could have spent more time together before y'all got married. I wish we could have done more family dinners.\u201d I'm like, \u201cMe, too; but he lived in Atlanta, and we lived in Huntsville.\u201d You know, there's things I wish. It\u2019s so tricky for widows, especially because you don't want to like commit and go move somewhere if you're like just to try it out.<\/p>\n<p>There is such a trust factor with blending. It is like: \u201cI trust God: I trust God, financially. I trust God, like, \u2018This is who You've planned for me\u2019\u201d; because you can doubt that upside one; down the other. Once we committed to each other\u2014and I will say, for us, we were very committed from pretty much January on\u2014I never thought Rod was going to bail; I never doubted that.<\/p>\n<p>At the same time, once we were engaged, it was as good as if we were married\u2014I mean, that wasn't the truth; we were in different cities\u2014but at the same time, we were\/the ball was rolling. Engagement was really too late; it's kind of like, \u201cOnce you're engaged, it's like: \u2018We're on\u2019\u201d; Rod's like, \u201cOh, there was always an out.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Rod: She doesn't know what I did the day of: you know, I drove my car a long way.\u00a0[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Well, I just want to add a little comment there for our listeners and viewers: you know, when your kids are really, really young as yours were, Rachel, it really is wise to go slowly in introducing them to a dating partner; because they can fall in love with that person, you know, deeper and wider and with more intensity than you are, or have; and so that's important.<\/p>\n<p>If they're over the age of five, then there's this sort of gradual\u2014general recommendation is\u2014a gradual introduction, building relationship, but spending more time. The more time they can spend together, the more everybody has confidence that: \u201cThere's something here we have to work with.\u201d Not that we've got everything formed before the wedding; that never happens, because crock potting doesn't start until the wedding. I'm a firm believer in that. Whatever time you've invested is beneficial\u2014it's adding some heat, if you will, to the pot itself; it's readying everybody to begin to cook\u2014but the cooking doesn't really start until it's real.<\/p>\n<p>Here's the thing: we all do the best we can with what we know and what we know to do. And there's always hindsight; there's always looking back\u2014there's always some regret [that] will come along with that\u2014\u201cOkay; alright, but what do we do with it now?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I'm sure everybody listening, right now, thought: \u201cYes, there are things in me I didn't know before I got married again,\u201d \u201cThere\u2019re things in you I definitely didn't see before we got married again,\u201d \u201cI had no idea, for example, how that grief was going to come out of you in different moments or how grief was going to come out of the kids.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know what? Let's talk about that for a second. I'm curious\u2014now, they were really young\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Rachel:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014but that doesn't mean they're not grieving, one. Number two\u2014and the way children grieve is over time\u2014so when they're ten, and when they're sixteen, and when they're\u2014new layers of life and new things pop up in their mind. They have to think back about how life was or would have been.<\/p>\n<p>I'm just curious: \u201cAs you guys have looked over the last ten years, what have you seen in the children that you would just say, \u2018Yes, that was grieving,\u2019 \u2018That was transition,\u2019 \u2018That was adjustment\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We\u2019ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.<\/p>\n<p>Ron Deal,\u00a0the host of the podcast, now joins us in the studio. Wow! You left us with a cliff hanger, Ron!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I know. [Laughter] Here\u2019s the bottom line: people are going to have to listen tomorrow to hear the answer. I\u2019m here to tell you: their kids definitely did have some transition; and grief did show up in a number of significant ways.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, we heard, at the beginning, Ron\u2014you guys were laughing a little bit\u2014because they really didn\u2019t want to believe what you say about how long it takes a stepfamily to form. We\u2019ve actually quoted you, many times, saying the same thing.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I find it, sometimes, hard to believe. Talk about that a little bit: is that common for stepfamilies, or even any of us, to believe it takes\u2014we say seven years\u2014is that right, Ron?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014to form their identity.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s right. It really takes, on average, anywhere from four to seven years for the average blended family to settle their\u2014I like to say it this way: their family-ness\u2014to figure out who they are; how they are going to connect\u2014that identity, as you said, Ann. It just takes longer than people think.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s good news and bad news in that. Let me just tell you: wherever I go\u2014whenever I\u2019m speaking to a live event at a church; or in our book, The Smart Stepfamily\u2014we unpack this in great detail. It is shocking the first time for somebody to hear that; because they think, \u201cWait;\u201d\u2014they\u2019re beginning to calculate\u2014\u201cwe love each other. Yes, the kids are coming along. They\u2019re maybe not as excited about this as we, as husband and wife are; but it\u2019s not going to take very long. I mean, everybody\u2019s going to love each other quickly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Hey, you can like each other; you can get along. We all have family members that we get along with; we don\u2019t, necessarily, have a deep intimate connection with extended family. The same thing happens in stepfamilies\u2014and that\u2019s common\u2014it just takes a while. As you guys know, there\u2019s a metaphor that we use that\u2019s really helpful for people to just sort of see this for what it is. It\u2019s: \u201cHow do you cook a stepfamily?\u201d question. We all want to cook it in a blender or microwave, because that takes about 30 seconds; and then, it\u2019s done and ready, and everything\u2019s good to go.<\/p>\n<p>But it just doesn\u2019t work that way\u2014on average, it takes five to seven years\u2014that\u2019s kind of analogous to cooking it in a crock pot: that it takes five, six, seven, eight hours, depending on what you\u2019re making, for it to really taste good. Yes, you could jump into the stew an hour or two in\u2014and you could eat it\u2014but I wouldn\u2019t recommend that. [Laughter] I mean, that\u2019s going to be ugly to taste; somebody\u2019s going to get sick and go to the hospital.<\/p>\n<p>No, it takes six\/seven hours; then, by then, what has happened, guys? I know you know this, Dave, just from your family experience\u2014you guys have watched and seen this in others\u2014what happens in a crock pot? Everything warms up on its own time; it then softens\u2014the ingredients soften\u2014and then, they begin to share of themselves.<\/p>\n<p>That is, essentially, what has to happen: each person has to find their warm-up. They have to find a way to then soften that outer shell: those loyalties, or those questions they have; or \u201cHow does grief impact my bonding with the present relationships now?\u201d All of that has to sort of get figured out before I start sharing myself with another person and really forming family-ness. We help people understand that, and settle into the process, so that they can make the most of it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I know that, probably for Ann and I, it took us five years, without any kids, to be married.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Hey, me, too, brother.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It takes time. And you\u2019re going to throw in other kids\u2014teenagers; you name it\u2014I know, when my dad got remarried, it was, at least, seven years\u2014maybe, ten years\u2014before I felt like my stepmother was sort of my mom. Obviously, that\u2019s part of the whole thing.<\/p>\n<p>Tell us a little bit about the Summit.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is our premier ministry-equipping event for leaders. Leader, in our book, is anybody who cares to know and understand stepfamilies better so they can minister to them in a local church context. That\u2019s from senior pastors, adult ed people, to children\u2019s pastors, youth pastors, as well as, lay couples. We have tons of couples who are living the blended family life; and they, now, want to help somebody else in their community or in their church.<\/p>\n<p>Come to this event, whether you\u2019re just beginning, or whether you\u2019ve been doing it for a number of years; we\u2019re going to network; we\u2019re going to talk; we\u2019re going to share best practices; we\u2019re going to get you equipped to go back and make a difference for the kingdom.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Sign up and get somebody from your church to go as well.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Can\u2019t wait to hear the rest of it tomorrow, Ron. Thanks for being with us.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You bet.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott; and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown, on FamilyLife Today. Well, they said it all: the Summit is coming up October 10-11 in Plano, Texas. You can find out more by heading over to FamilyLifeToday.com; you can get the link in the show notes there.<\/p>\n<p>You can, obviously, tell we really believe in reaching blended families. We believe in reaching families of all kinds, because families are where decisions are made and the world can change. If you reach families today, you reach the world tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>If you want to make your mark on reaching blended families, or families of any kind, you can partner with us and make a contribution to ensure FamilyLife\u2019s ongoing support of reaching families all over the world. You do that by partnering with us at FamilyLifeToday.com, making a donation there. Or can feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation; again, the number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop a donation in the mail if you\u2019d like; our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, Ron Deal is back with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown to talk about the unique losses experienced by children in blended families. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you\u2019ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/285603","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=285603"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=285603"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=285603"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=285603"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=285603"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=285603"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=285603"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}