{"id":284554,"date":"2024-07-31T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-07-31T08:14:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/"},"modified":"2025-06-10T17:02:30","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T21:02:30","slug":"sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/","title":{"rendered":"Sacrificial Love Made Simple(r): Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>You vowed to love your spouse through thick and thin. You want to love your spouse like Christ! But how? You likely won&#8217;t have to lay down your life. But comfort? &#8230;Maybe. Learn simple ideas to grow in service and sacrificial love in marriage with Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You want Christ-like love in your marriage, but how? Learn simple ideas for service and sacrificial love in marriage with Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/b71aab60-2356-48fe-9cd4-b1b50147d637\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:27","filesize":"25.17M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2024-07-31 08:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2805,2901,2831],"tags":[2725],"podcast_series":[8781],"cwp_profile":[9950,9951],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-284554","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","category-husbands","category-wives","tag-sacrificial-love","podcast_series-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn-gospel-shaped-marriage","cwp_profile-chad-van-dixhoorn","cwp_profile-emily-van-dixhoorn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/284554\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/284554\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"WMgZB3JD5k\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/\">Sacrificial Love Made Simple(r): Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/sacrificial-love-made-simpler-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/embed\/#?secret=WMgZB3JD5k\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Sacrificial Love Made Simple(r): Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"WMgZB3JD5k\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"You want Christ-like love in your marriage, but how? Learn simple ideas for service and sacrificial love in marriage with Chad & Emily Van Dixhoorn.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Help make YOUR mark: Your donation supports crucial resources for families and includes a special FamilyLife Pen and Brant Hansen's book, \"Unoffendable\"\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/august-2024\/urgent-need\/?cru_source=24EGPC&amp;cru_medium=podcast&amp;cru_campaign=August2024\">join us today!<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Pick up your copy of Chad &amp; Emily\u2019s book, <a href=\"http:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/products\/gospel-shaped-marriage-grace-for-sinners-to-love-like-saints\">Gospel Shaped Marriage<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>FamilyLife\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember\/\">Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/a> is a marriage getaway with a goal: oneness! Take your best next step toward being, and staying, one by booking your getaway today.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-07-31.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Sacrificial Love Made Simple(r)<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Gospel-Shaped Marriage (Day 3 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:July 31, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Am I like Christ, loving my spouse deeply, sacrificially, purposefully, faithfully? That\u2019s what Christ did. So, am I loving her with all that I am and have? Because that\u2019s how Christ has loved me.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember, on our honeymoon\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014oh, boy! We\u2019re going to our honeymoon.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes! We were in Boston, staying at this gorgeous hotel in downtown Boston.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It cost a lot of money.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You were really overwhelmed [on] our second night of marriage, and you actually cried, which I thought was so sweet. You said, \u201cI don\u2019t think I can do this. I don\u2019t think I know what it\u2019s like to be a husband, a man who walks with God. I\u2019ve never seen it. I don\u2019t know how I\u2019m going to provide. I feel this weight. I don\u2019t even know how to function.\u201d I remember [thinking], \u201cThat is\u2014I never thought that you carried that. You\u2019re so confident.\u201d I thought, \u201cYou\u2019ve got all of this!\u201d I felt so confident in you as a man.<\/p>\n<p>Yet, at the same time, I remember thinking, \u201cBut we\u2019ll do it together! We\u2019ll do it together.\u201d Let me ask you: do you feel like you had this checklist as a man? As a man walking with God? You felt like, \u201cI need to be this kind of godly man?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes. I mean, it was two weeks after our first-ever marriage conference, that we went to as an engaged couple, and part of the conference that we now speak for, FamilyLife\u2019s Weekend to Remember\u00ae. They laid out, in the men\u2019s session, responsibilities of a husband and dad. You went to the wives\u2019 session. And I had never heard any of this before. I didn\u2019t grow up in a Christian home, so I\u2019d never seen it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Your dad was an alcoholic and cheated on your mom.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes; I mean, adultery, alcohol, and a broken family. And now, I\u2019m married, and I\u2019m feeling like, \u201cOkay, I just heard what I\u2019m supposed to be doing, and I can\u2019t do it. I\u2019m scared to death. I\u2019m just going to blow this thing up and let you down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yes, I remember just weeping.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think today is going to be fun, because we\u2019re going to talk to Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn again about their book, Gospel-Shaped Marriage. We\u2019ve been talking for the last two days about what this looks like. What does the gospel look like when it\u2019s applied to our marriages in our homes?<\/p>\n<p>So, we\u2019re going to get into this today, and we\u2019re going to talk about, maybe, a list for husbands.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: A checklist!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Doesn\u2019t this sound exciting, women? \u201cHere\u2019s a checklist for our husbands!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re not going to give one to you, though.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes, we are! We have to give the women one, too; but we\u2019ll save that. Maybe we\u2019ll never get there.<\/p>\n<p>Chad, in the book, you sort of list some things that are like a checklist for men. When I talk to men about this, I sort of think that way.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cIf you\u2019re like me, guys, you just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But most men don\u2019t know what to do.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: They do not know! So, when you hear \u201ca checklist,\u201d you say, \u201cOkay, I\u2019d like to hear that and consider it, and figure out how I do this.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, walk us through some of these.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Let me back up and say: a checklist is good, but you first need a model.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: The Apostle Paul, in Ephesians 5, gives two models. The one is very earthy, the other\u2019s pretty heavenly. The earthy one is, \u201cLove your wife like you love yourself.\u201d Every guy knows how to love himself.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: You spend time; you spend money; you think a lot about yourself. Taking that kind of effort, time, energy, creativity, and applying it to your wife\u2014that\u2019s one model.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: You know, the way we love ourselves, even when something\u2019s wrong with our self is a great model. If you\u2019ve got a broken leg, you don\u2019t just say, \u201cAh, well! Hack it off!\u201d [Laughter] You take care of it! You nurture it. So, if your wife is broken and suffering\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: t\u2014the weaker vessel\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Chad: t\u2014the weaker vessel (you know, sinning or whatever it is), you don\u2019t just say, \u201cAh, well! I\u2019m going to upgrade. I\u2019m going to look for something better.\u201d You say, \u201cWhat do I do when I am defective, broken, or weak; whatever it might be?\u201d You take care of yourself. So, that\u2019s the one model.<\/p>\n<p>The other model is the heavenly one, right? \u201cLove your wife like Christ loves the Church.\u201d [Ephesians 5:25, Paraphrased] Boy, that pitches it high! You know, if a wife thinks she\u2019s got a pretty tough job, that\u2019s a pretty big. . .<\/p>\n<p>You know, as you were saying, Dave, that\u2019s pretty scary! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: That\u2019s pretty intimidating.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, and you know this: even when you look at what Paul said in Ephesians 5, honestly, there\u2019s really one verse to the woman\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014and the rest are to the husband! Ten or twelve! [Laughter] And all the guys I know are like, \u201cI know what she\u2019s supposed to do! She\u2019s supposed to submit.\u201d I say, \u201cDo you know what you\u2019re supposed to do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cOh, no. I never\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s most of the chapter, dude! You\u2019d better read it!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, when you think of a checklist, it\u2019s coming out of that context, right? Out of Ephesians 5?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes. I guess I think in terms of some diagnostic questions. When I want to say, \u201cAm I loving my wife?\u201d that can be pretty abstract.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: \u201cAm I loving her as Christ loves the Church?\u201d More concrete, but still kind of abstract.<\/p>\n<p>So, you know, some of the useful questions that I can ask myself (and I don\u2019t ask myself regularly enough, but I\u2019m working on this)\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014yes; and guys, let me just say: as you hear these, ask yourself. I know it\u2019s going to be tempting for the wife to say, \u201cNo, I\u2019m going to ask him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s not going to go as well if you ask him. This is for a guy to ask himself.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: As we think about Christ\u2019s love for us, these are the kinds of questions that come to mind when I think about how I might love Emily better:<\/p>\n<p>Am I loving her with all that I am and all that I have? In other words, am I like Christ, loving my spouse deeply, sacrificially, purposefully, faithfully? That\u2019s what Christ did. So, am I loving her with all that I am and have? Because that\u2019s how Christ has loved me. That\u2019s the first question.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Okay, I want to hear from Emily. What would that look like for you? And it will be different for every wife, every woman; but for Chad to do that, what could it look like?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Well, I\u2019ll say, even when we\u2019re just relaxing, watching TV, he will get up and get the ice cream. He will say, \u201cI\u2019ll get that for you. I\u2019ll get that for you.\u201d He\u2019s ready to just serve.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, serving?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes, packing up the suitcase, sometimes, for me. Rather humble tasks, but it\u2019s serving the need that he sees. And I want to point out that I am not telling him to do this. This is only something that comes from God working in his heart.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: I think I\u2019m coming off a little more generous and thoughtful than I really am. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But it\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s a good question to ask your wife: what would it look like for me to love you in a way that you feel like, \u2018He\u2019s giving me everything that he has?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think for you, Dave, when you sit across the table from me, and look me straight in the eye, and when I\u2019m talking, you\u2019re interested; you know, you\u2019re not on your phone.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve told you this before, but when you come in the kitchen, if I\u2019m making something, and you\u2019ll be in there with me, partnering with me, I don\u2019t even care if you sit in the chair; but when you\u2019re in there with me, I feel like, \u2018Oh, look at us! We\u2019re a team!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, every woman would answer that in a different way\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Chad: \u2014yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014but I like the idea of the husband being an expert in what that looks like.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, but I\u2019d also add this, because when you were saying that, Chad, I was thinking, one of our stories (and I won\u2019t go into it, because listeners have heard it and it\u2019s in our book, Vertical Marriage, and in our small group; and whenever we speak, we tell this story and people are laughing their heads off, because it\u2019s so bad) [is] that we had this big conflict about a parking spot at our church.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a long story, so I won\u2019t get into it; but the gist of the conflict was, at some point\u2014and we got pretty heated in this conflict, so it went for a couple hours\u2014after we settled down (like we talked with you a couple days ago about walking away for a moment), when we came back together, I said to Ann: \u201cDo you feel like my job (my job as a pastor) is more important to me than you are?\u201d She nodded her head.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t until that moment in the conflict that I thought, \u201cOh, I thought this was about this argument about this parking spot.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cThis was never about this. It\u2019s like you don\u2019t feel loved by me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, I think, Chad, when I hear that, it\u2019s like all of those things you said are really important as well, but for me, in that moment, it was like, \u201cThe way to love her is to make what I say real. I say she\u2019s my priority, but she wasn\u2019t.\u201d I would have debated that when she said, \u201cYour job as a pastor is more important. The people at the church are more important, because they get your heart more than I do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would have said, \u201cThat is not true, because I love you!\u201d But the fact that she said it meant, \u201cIt is true.\u201d So, I needed to shift my whole mindset. To answer Chad\u2019s question\u2014\u201cAm I loving her with everything I have?\u201d\u2014I would have said, \u201cSure, I am!\u201d But I think in some ways, we have to [ask], \u201cHoney, do you feel\u2014?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And if they say, \u201cYes,\u201d you say, \u201cOkay.\u201d If they say, \u201cNo,\u201d you say, \u201cThen what does that look like?\u201d Because, obviously, I think I am, but\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014but you\u2019re missing it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Then, that day, she said, \u201cHere\u2019s what it looks like.\u201d And I said, \u201cOkay, you\u2019re right. I\u2019ve got to change.\u201d That\u2019s a big one for us guys! We\u2019re called to love her like Christ loved the Church, but we don\u2019t know how to do it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And it won\u2019t be perfect!<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Like Emily [said], \u201cIt\u2019s not going to be perfect.\u201d And they\u2019re not going to change overnight, like, \u201cI\u2019m good from now on!\u201d Just like us, we all need that grace\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014of knowing that we\u2019re going to fall, we\u2019re going to fail; but we\u2019re pursuing Jesus, and we\u2019re pursuing each other.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: And when I give him my ideas as to, \u201cThis is what it would look like,\u201d I am trying to set easy hoops for him to jump through.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, that\u2019s good!<\/p>\n<p>Emily: I\u2019m not going to ask him to sacrifice something that would pull him away from what I think God has called him to do.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cTake me to Europe for three weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes! [Laughter] Or \u201cIf you really loved me. . .\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m more\u2014I\u2019m not going to demand it all the time. Just \u201chere are some ways that you can show me that you love me.\u201d I\u2019m not looking to see him fail. I\u2019m actually looking to see him succeed.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Let\u2019s hear another one.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Everything else is kind of a subset of the one big question, right? So, they\u2019re all kind of further diagnostic questions, but really trying to get to the same place. Another one is: \u201cAm I studying my wife?\u201d And this dovetails with what Dave was saying a moment ago. \u201cAm I trying to understand her needs? Do I know her as a person?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve had some pretty epic fails with this one. I think we were married for\u2014how many years?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: We were married for eleven years, and he kindly offered me some orange juice. Then he asked me, \u201cWould you like some ice in your orange juice?\u201d And I thought, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s about time I asked him this question.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLove, how many times\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: \u201cHow many years have we been married?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u201cHow many years have we been married?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: I knew something was wrong right there.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: He said, \u201cEleven.\u201d I said, \u201cHave you offered me orange juice before?\u201d He said, \u201cYes, about every day.\u201d \u201cHave I ever asked for ice in my orange juice?\u201d \u201cNo! No, you\u2019ve never wanted ice in your orange juice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, so, I think it\u2019s about time you kind of know my drink preferences.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Chad: It\u2019s a safe example, because it\u2019s a tame example; but there are bigger ways in which I have failed to study her, and that will come out in a conversation.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When we talk about this, I\u2019ll often say to guys: \u201cLove\u2014you know, we\u2019ll say, \u2018I love ice cream,\u2019 \u2018I love Jesus.\u2019 So, I think the word (and Paul uses it in Ephesians 5) is cherish.\u201d When you look up that definition, it means you protect, and you study. It\u2019s costly, and it\u2019s beloved.\u201d It\u2019s like men know how to study whatever they\u2019re into!<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Whether it\u2019s golf\u2014or I\u2019m a guitar guy, so I can tell you that my guitars need to be in a humidified room. Then, when you say, \u201cI cherish a guitar?\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d What would it look like to cherish my wife?\u201d That\u2019s what you\u2019re saying, right?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Study her; bring the best out of her. Water, sunlight, or whatever it is. What would that look like if your spouse felt like, \u201cI am that important to him. He studies me, and then, he cares for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And when you think about Christ\u2019s love for the Church, He died for the Church. He knows everything about His bride.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He knows her and loves her and cherishes her. That\u2019s a heavy calling for a man.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: And even knowing the timing of a certain kind of conversation, like, \u201cOh, she\u2019s having her coffee right now, and she doesn\u2019t like to be interrupted. This is her little relaxation\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014\u201cher escape\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u201cThis is her little escape. This is not the time.\u201d And it sometimes takes a surprisingly long amount of time to figure those things out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think this would be a great little action point\u2014for men, of course; we\u2019re coming up with this for men: if you wrote her or texted her, \u201cThese are the things I\u2019ve learned about you over the years.\u201d Things that are good, like, \u201cI know you. There\u2019s something about when you feel like your husband knows you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014and sees you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014and sees you; and has recognized things that you do. Man, that\u2019s attractive! And for me, it makes tears come to my eyes, just thinking of [how] he, out of the whole world, has seen the worst in me, and yet, he knows me and is willing to serve me.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Whew! That\u2019s beautiful gospel-love.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s the gospel, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: So, I guess another thing on this list, and, really, the most important orientation that you get to study your wife, [is] asking: \u201cHow does that inform my prayers?\u201d So, I pray for Emily based on that knowledge I have of her, that growing knowledge.<\/p>\n<p>Once, I was at a conference, and Emily explained how she prays for me. I was just stunned and grateful.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What does that look like, Emily?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes; we are in a very privileged place, as spouses, that we do see so much of the other person. What are you going to do with that intel that you have? Are you going to use it to condemn them? to win an argument against them? Or are you going to use it to pray for them, because you see what they need?<\/p>\n<p>You know, we might be tempted, sometimes, to sort of give our spouse an instruction sheet, in order to try and change our spouse, saying, \u201cThis is what you should be doing!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Bring that instruction sheet to the Lord. The Lord says, \u201cPray according to my will. I hear you, and I\u2019ll do it.\u201d [1 John 5:14, Paraphrased] That\u2019s where I have confidence. [With] all the things I want for him, I go to the Lord. And I want a lot for him. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t fit it all in one day. So, I\u2019ve spread it across the whole week, and I\u2019ve organized it so it\u2019s just in my mind. I can remember it, partly, because of the first letter of the day of the week, and partly, because of the order of the relationships that he has. I\u2019ll explain:<\/p>\n<p>Sunday \u2013 the most important relationship is his relationship with God, so I pray for him as a child of God, that he would know all the blessings and privileges of being a child of God; that he would be honest with the Lord; that he would be growing in the Lord. That\u2019s Sunday.<\/p>\n<p>Monday \u2013 as a spouse, as a husband. I pray for him with all of the commands in mind for husbands, and I pray for myself as his wife. It helps us get specific in our prayers, so that we can see the answers. We can see God at work when we\u2019re specific.<\/p>\n<p>Tuesday \u2013 as a father, and I pray for myself as a mother. I pray that he would love the kids, discipline the kids well, bond with the kids, have common interests; all of that.<\/p>\n<p>Next relationship [is him as] a worker. Wednesday \u2013 \u201cW\u201d for worker. I pray for God to bless his work. He\u2019s also a writer. I pray that He\u2019d bless his writing. I pray for good relationships with his boss, with his colleagues, with those whom he works with. Again, I can get really specific.<\/p>\n<p>Thursday \u2013 I take the \u201cH\u201d in Thursday, because I\u2019ve already used the \u201cT\u201d for \u201ctraining your children on Tuesday.\u201d I take the \u201cH\u201d on Thursday, and I pray for his health. There are always health issues to pray for. I also pray for a thankful heart for him, because we all need\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014so, heart and health.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Heart and health, right. Thank you!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I like it.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Friday \u2013 I pray for friendships. Don\u2019t we know [that] friendships are such a treasure? They make a huge difference in our lives; and sometimes, they can be hard to find and hard to develop. We don\u2019t want to take them for granted. So, I pray for good friends. The Lord has answered that prayer for us. It can take years! These are prayers that you do over the whole course of your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>And then, Saturday \u2013 as stewards; that we would be good stewards of our finances, because God cares how we use our money; of our talents. I pray that God would give us talents and that we\u2019d use them for His glory; and stewards of the gospel, that God would give him gifts to share the gospel.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. Chad, what does it make you feel?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Well, the first time I heard that, I was not dry-eyed. I just thought, \u201cWow! I know she prays for me,\u201d but just the thoughtfulness and the productive granularity to some of these petitions is just so deeply moving to me.<\/p>\n<p>You know, eventually, I\u2019ve basically copied this. We both have other things we pray for on those days, but now I have something that makes sense to me in praying for Emily on each day of the week. You know, learning from her, my prayers are much deeper than they used to be for her. Boy, you should see the change!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Do you guys pray together?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, we do.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: It\u2019s very important to pray together. Sometimes, they\u2019re short times of prayer. We do have family devotions.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Okay, when we first got married, I was so energized. So, we translated passages of Greek and Hebrew, because we were newly married\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014wait! You did this together?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, we did this together.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Because we were in seminary.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: We would start this at 10:30 at night.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, you both have many degrees, so I\u2019m not surprised by this. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Then, we\u2019d memorize a part of Scripture, and we\u2019d read a part of Scripture, and we\u2019d read a commentary on that; then, we\u2019d memorize some classic statement of the Christian faith together. Then, we\u2019d do prayer requests.<\/p>\n<p>Eventually, Emily was there, kind of waving the white flag. She said, \u201cThis is really not working!\u201d So, now, we just pray together, you know? [Laughter] It just sort of got diminished over the years\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014it was reduced to smaller\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Chad: \u2014and now, we just pray together every night.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u201cHow about just a Proverb?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Especially when each child came, you know?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Chad: That\u2019s right, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: So, it adapts. We definitely believe there are a lot of options for how to spend a little time in the Word together and a little time in prayer together.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: And then, we also pray together and read a part of the Bible together as a family. So, there\u2019s the individual, family after dinner, and then, together when we go to bed.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: And it\u2019s not rigid; this does not happen every single day.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Then, connected to the prayer thing is this other heart question, which I thought I needed to ask myself:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat am I aiming for in my prayers? You hear all the different things we pray for, but am I really praying for her, or am I hoping that God will change her for my convenience?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ooh, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: So, that\u2019s, again\u2014I thought about the praying part of this, and then I thought, \u201cWhat a minute. Even when I pray for her, I\u2019m sometimes really just praying for my own convenience, rather than out of love for her.\u201d So, that was just kind of another diagnostic question on where my heart is with her.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I had a friend that, [during] every single Bible study, she said, \u201cPray that my husband comes to know Jesus. Pray that my husband comes to know Jesus.\u201d So, we were all vigilant in praying for this man. He was a friend of Dave\u2019s, actually. Sure enough, he gives his life to Christ, and she\u2019s still not happy.<\/p>\n<p>She thought him coming to know Jesus would change everything. Her prayer is exactly what you\u2019re saying, Chad. It was for her convenience. \u201cIf he comes to Christ, my life will be better,\u201d which is generally true, but it also takes a while.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: In the meantime, when we\u2019re only looking at our spouse, thinking, \u201cIf he would change, I would be happy,\u201d that\u2019s not true! So often, we are the ones who, when we put our eyes on ourselves and ask God, \u201cHow do I need to change? How can I love him, whether he changes or not?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Whoo! I like the self-analysis of, \u201cAm I praying for her to get what I want, or that it\u2019s for her general good?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes; and then, sort of, in a sense, this is compatible, but maybe a little bit in reverse, when it comes to Bible study:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen I study the Bible, am I also asking how I can make the Bible come alive? When I\u2019m studying God\u2019s Truth\u2014you know, when I\u2019m reading the Bible in the morning; God\u2019s Promises, or whatever it might be\u2014am I also thinking to myself, \u2018How might I use that to enrich our family life, our conversations?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In other words, am I just kind of coming to the dinner table and opening up the Bible afterwards, and just expecting pure genius to come out? [Laughter] Or am I actually thinking ahead of time what might be a blessing to my wife and children? So, am I trying to be a little mini-theologian, a mini-Bible expert? Principally, so I might love the Lord better and the overflow of that love and relationship will bless others. But also, actually, deliberately thinking, \u201cHow might I bless my family as a Christian man, as a husband and father?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, that\u2019s another question I\u2019m asking myself, because I can get super-lazy there.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Emily, will you close by praying for our listeners, who, maybe, are listening\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014and they\u2019re wrapping their heads around this, thinking\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014(and, maybe, who\u2019ve listened to the last three days); just pray for them?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Sure.<\/p>\n<p>Father in heaven, we praise Your Name, that You are a holy God; You are a wise God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I lift up the listeners to You, that all would know that Your eyes are upon them; that You have light for them in Your Word; that You have light for them about marriage in Your Word; that they would know that Jesus is gracious; that they would know Jesus is for them; that they would look to Him as their Guide; and that they would show His love in their lives, we pray. In Jesus\u2019s Name, Amen.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Jesus is for you; Jesus is for your marriage. May He show His love to you and your spouse within the context of your marriage today. Look for it! Look for it! Look for evidence of the Lord\u2019s grace in your relationship with your spouse\u2014in your marriage\u2014today. You\u2019re probably going to find it if you go looking for it.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn on FamilyLife Today. Chad and Emily have written a book called Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints. This book really helps you to understand how Christ empowers and calls couples to cultivate a loving and supportive marriage grounded in biblical principles and practical wisdom. You can get your copy, right now, of Gospel-Shaped Marriage by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com [and looking] in the show notes.<\/p>\n<p>Or feel free to give us a call. Our number is 800-358-6329; again, the number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, coming up tomorrow, guess what? It\u2019s back to school season. That\u2019s right! And that can be stressful for kids and for parents. Well, tomorrow, David and Meg Robbins, our very own, are going to be with the Wilsons about overcoming fears and embracing the joys of parenting. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/284554","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=284554"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=284554"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=284554"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=284554"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=284554"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=284554"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=284554"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}