{"id":284495,"date":"2024-07-30T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-07-30T08:30:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/"},"modified":"2025-06-10T17:07:01","modified_gmt":"2025-06-10T21:07:01","slug":"mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/","title":{"rendered":"Mutual R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>R-E-S-P-E-C-T: find out why it is so key. It&#8217;s easy to get distracted by words like &#8216;submission&#8217; and &#8216;roles&#8217; when you start talking about Christian marriage. Join us for Day Two with Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn as they continue discussing &#8220;The Gospel-Shaped Marriage&#8221; and the importance of more than &#8216;just a little bit&#8217; of mutual respect in Christian marriage.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>R-E-S-P-E-C-T: learn why you need more than &#8216;just a little bit&#8217; of mutual respect in Christian marriage with Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/97a7e85b-267e-461e-806e-b1b50147d631\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:51","filesize":"22.79M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2024-07-30 08:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2809,2082,2805],"tags":[2724],"podcast_series":[8781],"cwp_profile":[9950,9951],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-284495","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-commitment","category-communication","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","tag-mutual-respect","podcast_series-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn-gospel-shaped-marriage","cwp_profile-chad-van-dixhoorn","cwp_profile-emily-van-dixhoorn","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/284495\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/284495\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"va833S1GjF\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/\">Mutual R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/mutual-r-e-s-p-e-c-t-chad-emily-van-dixhoorn\/embed\/#?secret=va833S1GjF\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Mutual R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Chad &#038; Emily Van Dixhoorn&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"va833S1GjF\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"R-E-S-P-E-C-T: learn why you need more than 'just a little bit' of mutual respect in Christian marriage with Chad & Emily Van Dixhoorn.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Help make YOUR mark: Your donation supports crucial resources for families and includes a special FamilyLife Pen and Brant Hansen's book, \"Unoffendable\"\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/august-2024\/urgent-need\/?cru_source=24EGPC&amp;cru_medium=podcast&amp;cru_campaign=August2024\">join us today!<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Pick up your copy of Chad &amp; Emily\u2019s book, <a href=\"http:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/products\/gospel-shaped-marriage-grace-for-sinners-to-love-like-saints\">Gospel Shaped Marriage<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>FamilyLife\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember\/\">Weekend to Remember\u00ae<\/a> is a marriage getaway with a goal: oneness! Take your best next step toward being, and staying, one by booking your getaway today.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-07-30.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Mutual R-E-S-P-E-C-T<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Gospel-Shaped Marriage (Day 2 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:July 30, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Chad: I\u2019m a little suspicious of myself, because so many other times when I thought I was entirely right, it turned out that I wasn\u2019t. I begin by saying, \u201cLord, help me to see where I am wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yesterday, we opened up a topic you are passionate about. It\u2019s the \u201cS\u201d word\u2014submission.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, I thought you were going to talk about how the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. [Ephesians 5:25]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ll get there.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I love that topic.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That was another thing we talked about yesterday, and I thought we covered that one pretty good.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We\u2019ve got Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn back in the studio with us, talking about their book, Gospel-Shaped Marriage. The subtitle really caught me, too: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints. We all need that. We\u2019re all sinners, but we\u2019re called to love like saints, and that\u2019s impossible without the power of God living in us and the gospel.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The reason I brought up submission\u2014because you talked about it so well yesterday\u2014but even as we went off air you said, \u201cSubmission can be hard, but it\u2019s sometimes too easy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And I thought, \u201cWait. What?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, we are going to throw that out at you. What do you mean by that? We all want to know.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Well, there is a counterfeit submission, a fake submission, and that\u2019s what is too easy. I\u2019ve heard some women say, \u201cOh, I\u2019m so happy, I don\u2019t have to think about it. I\u2019ll just let my husband make that decision, and I\u2019ll just submit to him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And I\u2019ve even felt it, because there are hard decisions to make. What school should our kids go to? How much should we spend on a house? Is it time for us to move, or is it not time for us to move? There are hard decisions to make.<\/p>\n<p>We wives can say\u2014well, one, we can be too pushy, or we can be too passive. We can say, \u201cI\u2019m just checking out. This is your job.\u201d And then, we may think we are being holy and think, \u201cOh, I am just submitting to him. Let him make the decision.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But we are failing to help him if we are not also rolling up our sleeves and doing the hard thinking that is involved in making a decision.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: When someone does that kind of quick default to the husband\u2014not engaging in the decision process\u2014you\u2019re also not learning to deal with disappointment, failure, and so on; learning to trust God yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: That\u2019s right. I\u2019ve noticed sometimes when I'm making a hard decision, I\u2019ll say, \u201cOh, you just make it for me.\u201d And Chad will say, \u201cWell, I could.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But the truth is, I will atrophy in my decision-making abilities if I am not making some decisions. So, he\u2019s learned to not just step in and make a decision, but to support me in the decision that needs to be made.<\/p>\n<p>Often, it\u2019s about the household; and sometimes, there are areas that I have more information than he has, but I\u2019m getting nervous that I\u2019m going to make a bad decision. He will help me make it, and sometimes, I make mistakes. You have to trust the Lord in that.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: She\u2019s chosen the last seven houses we\u2019ve lived in and has often done the negotiating. So, she\u2019s actually quite good at making decisions. I recently went in to buy a Prius, and I walked out with a Ford F150. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s right, you did.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: That was all Emily. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOkay, social conscience here, I\u2019m going to get the electric car.\u201d But she said, \u201cYou live ten minutes from work. Do you really need that fuel efficiency? You\u2019ve got a bad back. Go sit in that vehicle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cOkay, maybe a big vehicle would be better. Maybe I\u2019ll get a Ford Expedition, because, you know, that\u2019s a good family car.\u201d She said, \u201cNo, you\u2019ll feel like a mom.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>It was just great. So, we got a new for me, but not very new truck.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: My buddy has the pickup that has the massage seat. Did you get that?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: No. [Laughter] Ours is a little older than that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It massages you as you drive. That\u2019s the way to drive.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I couldn\u2019t afford it, but he could.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Emily, I think it\u2019s good to hear that side of submission, that we can just kind of hand it off to our husbands. I tend to be on that more controlling side.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: No, not Ann. Never.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I like to have a say in everything. So, I think it\u2019s good to know that we, as women, go all along that line. Sometimes, we just want to check out and let our husbands do it, or let them be responsible for it; but sometimes, we are over-controlling the situation or even manipulating the situation and our husband to get what we want. That\u2019s not what God wants either.<\/p>\n<p>When you guys talk about this area, it feels very mutual, in that you need one another. I think that\u2019s how God designed it. I like that you are trying to outdo each other in terms of, \u201cI want to help you to be better. I want it to be easier for you to love me. I want it to be easier for you to respect me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That feels very unworldly to me.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: That\u2019s because it\u2019s a heavenly plan. This is why it feels unworldly.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: There it is.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: At the same time, we do have conflict. We do have arguments. We forget this overarching, gospel-oriented perspective. We offer each other, sort of, sin for sinners, to love like sinners, rather than grace for sinners, to love like saints. [Laughter] We\u2019ve had to do a lot of thinking about conflict as well.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When you raise that issue\u2014and you have a chapter on it\u2014what comes to your mind first of all to help couples who say, \u201cWe fight. We have conflict. How do we gospel-shape our conflicts?\u201d What would you say?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s the real battle that you are trying to win? The real battle is to know Christ better. We are called as Christians to fellowship with Christ in his sufferings. So, sometimes, yes, we will suffer.<\/p>\n<p>Knowing Christ better and showing His love to somebody else? That\u2019s a win. That\u2019s the real battle. Can I show Christ\u2019s love? Can I believe the gospel? Can I believe that God can bless me no matter what this person in front of me is doing? My blessing primarily is in knowing Christ.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: You can see why she\u2019s the prayer partner, and I\u2019m the despair partner. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Let me add to this\u2014a common thought process related to this on my part\u2014and then, Emily, maybe you can say something about how prayer fits into this as well.<\/p>\n<p>When we are having a conflict, I am usually right. [Laughter] I make that point to Emily. She\u2019s usually not convinced of that. There comes a point where we are getting into a different space physically. We just have to say, \u201cLet me walk away and think about that. Let me pray about that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Usually, what happens is a cluster of things. First of all, I want to say, \u201cLord, help Emily to see how she needs to change,\u201d but where the Lord often helps me to start is to say is, \u201cWow, I\u2019m a little suspicious of myself, because so many other times when I thought I was entirely right, it turned out that I wasn\u2019t.\u201d So, I begin by saying, \u201cLord, help me to see where I am wrong.\u201d Even if I think it\u2019s only 2% of the problem\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014oh, just that prayer right there: \u201cLord, help me to see where I am wrong.\u201d That is a very humble prayer and, man, we all need to pray that.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: It\u2019s a battle just to get there.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Just to get there. Just to say, \u201cLord, I\u2019m angry. I\u2019m frustrated. I\u2019m pretty confident I\u2019m right, but there could be a tiny area where I\u2019m wrong. Help me to see it.\u201d And then, as soon as the Lord helps me to see it, which is often sooner than I expect, sometimes within an hour\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014it didn\u2019t take Him a long time to find it! [Laugher]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It was right in front of you the whole time.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Then my next step is, \u201cThat\u2019s something.\u201d I can go to Emily and try and confess. I don\u2019t say to her, \u201cBy the way, I think I\u2019m 2% at fault.\u201d I try to own 100% of that 2% that I\u2019m seeing at the moment. I want to do that out of humility. I\u2019m begging the Lord to help me do this, to have this conversation. And then, often, Emily\u2019s heart gets nudged, moved, or melted, and she can come back with something. It has created space.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m not doing\u2014I\u2019m not saying that, at my best\u2014[that] in order to get that response. I\u2019m saying that because that\u2019s what God has called me to. He\u2019s called me to confess what I do see. That\u2019s the beginning of a good conversation, where we begin to listen to each other and to know each other afresh.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Are you careful with the words that you use as you go into that conflict?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Most definitely.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Emily: I choose my words very carefully, and I usually choose not to speak. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s usually better, as Proverbs often says.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: And I remember one time when I had lost our passports, and the car was outside, and we needed to get to the airport. We were flying back to England with all our children. He is the really tidy one.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wait! You lost all the passports?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: I didn\u2019t know where they were. They were somewhere in the house.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You knew that they were somewhere.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: They were somewhere, but we needed them immediately. And he could\u2019ve said something like, \u201cWell, they could be in the freezer for all I know.\u201d But he didn\u2019t. He just looked at me and said, \u201cI\u2019m on your side.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ooh.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: It was a rare moment. Honestly, she\u2019s remembering this moment from ten years ago, probably, because it hasn\u2019t happened since then. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Emily: He could have said, \u201cThis is how you keep your things orderly, Emily.\u201d Or given me a little mini-lecture on how he organizes his bags, or where he always puts his passport whenever he travels! But he didn\u2019t. He just communicated, \u201cI'm on your side.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What did you feel when he said that?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Frankly, I felt a little surprised.<\/p>\n<p>Dave and Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: And I was impressed that he, when he was under pressure\u2014when we were all under pressure\u2014didn\u2019t go into attack mode to make himself feel better in some odd way. He just leaned in and said, \u201cI\u2019m on your side. We\u2019re going to work together.\u201d And, so we did. We found the passports with the help of my brother. We made the plane, and everything worked out well. It stands out as a good memory.<\/p>\n<p>I will encourage people: as you have conflicts, look to grow in God\u2019s grace; look to trust God more. It's a growth opportunity. We\u2019re tempted to despair and think, \u201cEverything is being ruined right now.\u201d When really, your Christian growth is potentially being created.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Expand on that. You wrote a chapter about growing in your marriage. Is that what you are talking about?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Certainly, one way is in conflict; but a particular way to grow is through serving.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: A lot of us are action-oriented people. You can only read so many books, though they are helpful; but there comes a time to put the book down and get active, especially by serving together. Find a way that you can partner, that you can say, \u201cI\u2019m with you. I\u2019m on your side. We\u2019re doing this together.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad: I think we kind of stumbled into that, didn\u2019t we? That first year of marriage, especially. I would say, \u201cOkay, we\u2019ve got a conflict. Let\u2019s go sit on the coach and talk through it.\u201d Emily would sometimes just get antsy, even exasperated, with how methodically and slowly I\u2019m trying to rehash everything. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She\u2019s rolling her eyes right now.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, yes. She often just needs space. She just needs to go do something, and then she\u2019s able to process things.<\/p>\n<p>Once she left the house just to go grocery shopping\u2014we had a door that slammed a little bit. I thought, \u201cOh, no. She\u2019s left in anger.\u201d And then, I realized the car wasn\u2019t there. She decided to do a really epic grocery shop, and I didn\u2019t see her for ages. I thought, \u201cOh no! I\u2019ve been such a jerk that she\u2019s left me.\u201d She just needed space. That\u2019s one way that we help each other grow: giving each other space.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: I\u2019ll just say that I came home, and he was all sad and repentant toward me. I was thinking, \u201cIt really wasn\u2019t a big deal. Can you just put these Eggos away? Here\u2019s your favorite cheese. You could put that in the fridge.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Some couples may benefit from going out and serving together. Can you serve the soccer team\u2019s snacks together? Find something simple where you are teaming up, and you\u2019re together, and you are looking not at yourselves, but you\u2019re looking outward. You are looking at the needs of others. Look at how you can serve. Have people over. Be useful together, be constructive, and that will take a weight off your shoulders.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: So, the first point is to give each other space; maybe it\u2019s not the point to talk through it all. The other point is, yes, having a shared purpose is what really drew us together.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Not another hour of analysis; not an hour of self-entertainment.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: While date nights have their place, and counseling has its place, it's just not enough. You need some momentum. Serving together is where you can get that momentum.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Is that what you would say is part of the mission of marriage from God\u2019s perspective? It\u2019s outward?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Multiplying your usefulness. The apostle Paul thinks about the things that singles are able to do because they are single (in 1 Corinthians 7).<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Which is wonderful. Singleness is a wonderful gift.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: And then, there are other things that married couples can do.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: There are singles who are amazing. They can be Mary and Martha at the same time when they are showing hospitality, but for most of us mere mortals, that kind of teamwork helps us to multiply our usefulness.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Chad, you have a little story of hospitality for you when you were a single person.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Oh, I don\u2019t want to bore people. I was a train wreck. I once had people over. My parents did hospitality, so I thought I would try to do this myself as a bachelor. We had an apartment with some other guys, and the air conditioning didn't work. I only knew how to cook things in the oven, which heated up the kitchen even more, so we went to eat in my bedroom. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>This couple\u2014they were struggling in their marriage, and I was trying to be kind to them. There were two steno chairs and a bed. Before I could get out of my mouth that you had to sit in the middle of the bed\u2014because the slats were only in the middle of the bed, not on either end\u2014this lady generously said, \u201cOh, I\u2019ll sit there.\u201d She sat at the foot of the bed\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014no.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: \u2014and it dropped. She jumped up in her fright, banged her head on the top bunk\u2014on the bar\u2014spilled this hot food all over herself, and they were gone within two minutes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: [Laughter] Really?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Emily and I do a better job together than I ever did by myself.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But your heart was in the right place. As a single guy doing that, that\u2019s remarkable.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You needed Emily.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: So, we make a good team together. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I do agree. I think in our culture, in our society, it\u2019s easy to, as a couple, just veg out on a good movie, Netflix, or whatever. And there\u2019s nothing wrong with that. Or we go on a date night and, as you said, we entertain ourselves. But there is something about when we serve together! It puts this meaning and this purpose in our lives, in our hearts, in our marriages. From our first year, we have led some Bible study together.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: For marriages.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: For marriages and for other things. And I\u2019m telling you, that has probably saved our marriage\u2014along with the gospel\u2014but it has made us better. I don\u2019t know if it has helped other people [Laughter], but it has helped us a ton.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, yes; that\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I can remember sitting at Bible studies as he is leading, and I thought, \u201cYou are so good at this!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cYou are amazing at this.\u201d My respect for Dave\u2014there are times where, maybe, he\u2019s talked too much and I\u2014[whispering]. I wondered: \u201chow do I say that, in a way that\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014on the way home! That\u2019s how she said it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No, I didn\u2019t say it. I was careful.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: No, you were very gracious.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But both of us:\u2014Dave: \u2014you were right. You are always right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014we need each other.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: When we get our eyes off ourselves. . .<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s such a paradox. The culture would tell you, \u201cIf you want to fill yourself up, fill yourself up. Go do whatever it is that fills you up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: They do!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: But Jesus said, \u201cIf you want to find your life, lose it.\u201d Wait, wait. That doesn\u2019t make sense. How do you empty yourself, and you are filled?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s what He was saying.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When you empty, and you give your life away, and you help others with their marriage, even when you are struggling in yours, it\u2019s God\u2019s plan. It\u2019s as if He says, \u201cI am going to fill you up as you empty. That\u2019s how I designed it.\u201d It\u2019s so beautiful. That\u2019s what you are saying.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Even with our kids\u2014to watch them now, as adult parent,s go serve together in the children\u2019s department. Watching them together just makes me so happy, as they are giving away what God has already given them in whatever means that is. What a great example that is for our kids to see!<\/p>\n<p>We are talking to people our age, who are empty nesters, who feel so lost. \u201cWhat\u2019s my purpose now? My kids are gone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chad and Emily: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We say, \u201cOh, God has so much more for you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And doing it together is this gift we give our marriages. We can go our separate ways, because we might feel very different, gifted in different ways; but there\u2019s still something about coming together and doing something together.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Amen. People make more friends at work than they do at movie theaters. There\u2019s a reason behind that.<\/p>\n<p>You remind us, as well--the empty nesters who are lost, just the orientation of your marriage: is it a child-centered marriage? It could be a God-centered marriage with children who come next or a God-centered marriage with a spouse that comes next. The more you are nurturing your marriage, your friendship, and your teamwork together now, the less disoriented\u2014you\u2019ll still be disoriented, but the less disoriented\u2014you\u2019ll be as the last child gets on the school bus or the last one drives off to work or college.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Let me ask you in our last few minutes\u2014you have a daughter that\u2019s getting married\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Emily: \u2014yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014soon. What does that feel like? You even address, in your book, in-laws. What does that look like? Are you nervous about it? And how can we prepare for that? Many of our listeners are in-laws, or they have in-laws, and that can be really tricky.<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Well, the key command to keep in mind is\u2014as it said in the King James\u2014\"to leave and cleave.\u201d [Genesis 2:24] The married couple needs to leave their original family, and they cleave to one another. They are starting a new household.<\/p>\n<p>I will need to respect my son-in-law as the head of their family, and for them to make their decisions. There\u2019s an example of a mother-in-law that is a bit humorous in our history. This makes me have a lot of respect for my mother-in-law, because she had a very challenging situation.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: My grandmother was a strong-willed Dutch woman, and she did not like my father\u2019s porch on their first house. They bought it for a couple thousand dollars, and it wasn\u2019t much of a porch to look at. That is, the house was a couple thousand dollars; the porch came free. She told them they needed to get rid of the porch, and they didn\u2019t listen.<\/p>\n<p>Eventually, my mother hears, one day, this sort of thumping out front. There was my grandmother trying to take it down with an ax.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Really?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: It wasn\u2019t even her ax.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What!?<\/p>\n<p>Chad: So, premarital counseling hadn\u2019t taken that into account. Actually, they didn\u2019t do premarital counseling back then. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>One of the things we want to think about is\u2014if it\u2019s our future son-in-law\u2019s, and our daughter\u2019s, job to create a new family unit, how can we make that job easier for them? How can we sweeten that task?<\/p>\n<p>Because they are going to be forming something new, and at the same time, there is going to be some level of stress or tension as they feel that newness. How can we make that easier for them?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: If my daughter is asking me for advice, I\u2019ll say, \u201cWell, have you asked Patrick?\u201d Point her to look to him first; not just come to me like she is used to coming. So, that\u2019s one practical point.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: And we\u2019d love to see them, and we might even incentivize our time together by renting a house where we can all fit together\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Believe me. Yes, do that!<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, yes; but we want to be careful that we are not manipulating them; that we are first saying, \u201cAre you getting enough time together? Because if you are, boy, we\u2019d love to have some time with you also.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily: Yes. We could volunteer for them to get a place where they could go, just for themselves.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes. That would be a lovely way to facilitate the leaving part and the clinging to each other.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes; that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: So, we are just trying to think of how, as in-laws, we can not act like out-laws.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Now, are you guys grieving as you are losing your daughter to get married? Are you excited? A little of both?<\/p>\n<p>Emily: I\u2019m excited. I\u2019m excited. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if there are times of some form of grieving, but I\u2019m generally excited.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Yes, ditto. We think they're just a great match, a lovely pair. We look forward to seeing how they will better serve\u2014they are already beginning to better serve together than they could apart. So, we\u2019re grateful.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: What a great perspective to have as new in-laws, with your child and their new spouse. It\u2019s got to be so hard to let go in that way. My kids are only thirteen and ten right now, so that\u2019s, Lord-willing, ahead in my distant future. Their perspective is really one that I want to adopt when that time comes for me.<\/p>\n<p>How can it apply to you today?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn on FamilyLife Today. They\u2019ve written a book called Gospel-Shaped Marriage: Grace for Sinners to Love Like Saints.<\/p>\n<p>You can get your copy of Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn\u2019s book by going online right now by going online today to FamilyLifeToday.com. You\u2019ll also find it in the show notes, or feel free to give us a call. Our number is 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Tomorrow, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn are going to be back with the Wilsons to talk about practical ways for husbands to embody Christ-like love and responsibility.<\/p>\n<p>Chad: Am I studying my wife? Am I trying to understand her needs? Do I know her as a person? The most important orientation, as you get to study your wife, is asking how that informs my prayers. So, I pray for Emily based on that knowledge that I have of her, that growing knowledge.<\/p>\n<p>Once, I was at a conference, and Emily explained how she prays for me, and I was just stunned!<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/284495","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=284495"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=284495"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=284495"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=284495"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=284495"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=284495"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=284495"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}