{"id":283544,"date":"2024-07-11T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-07-11T12:11:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler\/"},"modified":"2024-11-19T04:14:58","modified_gmt":"2024-11-19T09:14:58","slug":"loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving Adopted Children Well: Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Adoption is beautiful\u2014and comes with unique challenges. How do you love your adopted child(ren) well admist hardships? Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson welcome Drs. Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler to discuss how to apply the &#8216;5 love languages&#8217; to adoptive families.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Adoption is beautiful AND it comes with unique challenges. As an adoptive parent, how do you love well? Drs. Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler offer help!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/758c89a0-c5e1-467d-99d3-b1990117ca2c\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:31:41","filesize":"29.05M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2712,2713],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3353,9947],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-283544","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-adoption","tag-adoptive-family","cwp_profile-gary-chapman","cwp_profile-laurel-shaler","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/283544\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/283544\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"o1Ox1RC6it\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler\/\">Loving Adopted Children Well: Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-adopted-children-well-gary-chapman-and-laurel-shaler\/embed\/#?secret=o1Ox1RC6it\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Loving Adopted Children Well: Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"o1Ox1RC6it\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["758c89a0-c5e1-467d-99d3-b1990117ca2c"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/758c89a0-c5e1-467d-99d3-b1990117ca2c\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:31:41"],"filesize":["29.05M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280865"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li>Learn more from Dr. Gary Chapman at <a href=\"http:\/\/5lovelanguages.com\/\">5lovelanguages.com<\/a>, or on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/5lovelanguages\/\">Instagram<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/5lovelanguages\/\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/x.com\/drgarychapman?lang=en\">X<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/drgarychapman\">YouTube<\/a>. You can also check out his <a href=\"https:\/\/5lovelanguages.com\/resources\/podcasts\/\">podcasts<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Learn more from Dr. Laurel Shaler at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.drlaurelshaler.com\/\">https:\/\/www.drlaurelshaler.com\/<\/a>, or on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/DrLaurelShaler\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/x.com\/DrLaurelShaler\">X<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlaurelshaler\/\">Insta<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Grab their book \"<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/loving-adopted-children-well-a-5-love-languages-approach\">Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages\u00ae Approach<\/a>,\"\u00a0<\/li>\n<li>Gary's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/5-traits-of-a-healthy-family-steps-you-can-take-to-grow-closer-communicate-better-and-change-the-world-together\/\">5 Traits of a Healthy Family<\/a>, is also in our shop!<\/li>\n<li>Want to hear more episodes by Dr. Gary Chapman, <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/guest\/gary-chapman\/\">listen here<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>This week, for a donation of any size, we'll send you \"<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/july-2024\/peace-over-perfection\/\">Peace over Perfection: Enjoying a Good God When You Feel You're Never Good Enough<\/a>\" by Faith Chang as our way of saying a huge \"Thank you!\" for partnering with us toward stronger families around the world\u00a0<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-07-11.pdf"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nLoving Adopted Children Well\r\n\r\nGuests:Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Loving Adopted Children Well (Day 1 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:July 11, 2024\r\n\r\nGary: This is a huge thing about parenting: effectively loving your children. If the child feels loved by the parents, they tend to grow up healthy, emotionally. If they don\u2019t feel loved by the parents, they grow up with a lot of internal struggles. This is an important part of parenting.\r\n\r\nShelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.\r\n\r\nAnn: This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nDave: Alright; one of the greatest moments of my life\u2014and I\u2019m sure you know what I\u2019m talking about\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because I\u2019m going to say it was one of the greatest moments of my life, too\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014go ahead. You get to say it.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014was the day that our son and daughter-in-law adopted two of our grandsons.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Both of those days, at separate times, were really remarkable.\r\n\r\nDave: A courtroom in Denver became a sacred place for us, you know, as we just wept\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014yes.\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014watching.\r\n\r\nAnn: I think the piece of it, too, that really struck us was how we have been adopted by Christ into His family. It takes on a whole new meaning and significance when you watch it take place in that courtroom. \r\n\r\nDave: You know, we\u2019re going to talk about this today with two experts in this area. Dr. Gary Chapman is with us, talking about the five love languages applied to an adoption situation, with Dr. Laurel Shaler. You know better than anybody what we\u2019re going to talk about; but what hit me in that courtroom so strongly was: \u201cI know what those little boys don\u2019t know. Their entire future\u2019s absolutely, totally different.\u201d They don\u2019t know that at that point, but it hit me: \u201cThat\u2019s true of us,\u201d right? \r\n\r\nAs you come in\u2014first of all, let me say, \u201cWelcome to FamilyLife Today.\u201d We\u2019re so glad you\u2019re here. Laurel has never been here.\r\n\r\nLaurel: No, never been here; first time. So excited to be here.\r\n\r\nDave: And then, you\u2019ve got the veteran right beside you. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nLaurel: I know. I count my blessings, yes.\r\n\r\nDave: Gary, do you know how many times you\u2019ve been on FamilyLife [Today]? \r\n\r\nGary: I don\u2019t know how many times, but I always enjoy coming because I appreciate what is happening here.\r\n\r\nAnn: We always love having you, too.\r\n\r\nDave: How did you two pair up to write this book?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Well,\u2014Gary: It\u2019s Laurel\u2019s fault. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nDave: It\u2019s her fault? She reached out to you?Gary: She did.\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes, I did! I actually met your Acquisitions Editor, John Hinkley, at a conference. We were at the Moody table, talking about the five language books. I said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve been thinking it might be helpful if there were stories for families who have adopted.\u201d He said, \u201cHmm, okay. Let\u2019s keep talking.\u201d We did continue to talk. He approached Dr. Chapman. Then, I was able to talk with you, and you agreed that this might be a good idea and a good connection here, so we pursued writing this book.\r\n\r\nAnn: I like that because, Gary, you\u2019ve talked about the five love languages in parenting; but now, we\u2019re talking about, specifically, if it looks different and what it looks like with adopted kids.\r\n\r\nLaurel, give us your story. Where did this start from?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Right; the Lord had called us to adoption. He called us to adoption before we discovered infertility, but we know that was a part of our story. This was not God\u2019s second-best; this was His plan for the life of our family. One Wednesday night, at my home church\u2014that little church that I grew up in, my former Sunday school teacher came up to me and said that she knew this woman who had custody of a little baby. It was one of her relatives, and she was looking for an adoptive family. She said, \u201cLaurel, can I give her your phone number?\u201d In my mind, I was like, \u201cThis is never going to work out. This sounds crazy.\u201d I said, \u201cSure, give her my phone number.\u201d \r\n\r\nA couple of days later, that lady called me, and it was only two days after that that we met our daughter for the first time. I\u2019ll never forget meeting her and the door opening, and she just placed this little girl in my arms. I knew, in that moment, that she would become my daughter. It was a journey throughout the next several months before we were able to get custody of her, and then, we were able to adopt her. We met her when she was two months, and we adopted her two weeks before her first birthday. \r\n\r\nDave: Wow.\r\n\r\nAnn: It didn\u2019t stop there.\r\n\r\nLaurel: It did not stop there. [Laughter] That was the first adoption. We thought, maybe, that would be it, but one day, a few years later\u2014actually, it was about four months after my brother had passed away\u2014I got a call from our attorney, who had finalized our daughter\u2019s adoption, and he said, \u201cLaurel, there\u2019s a young woman I know. She came to see me today. She\u2019s looking to place her child for adoption. She\u2019s eight months along.\u201d He said, \u201cAnd I don\u2019t remember if she said she is having a boy or a girl, but are you interested?\u201d I said, \u201cYes!\u201d He said, \u201cWell, do you want to ask your husband?\u201d I said, \u201cHe\u2019ll say, \u2018Yes!\u2019\u201d [Laughter] \r\n\r\nThankfully, he did. We moved forward. It was a little boy. We found out that he had been born, and he was three days old when we met him. We adopted him a few months later. That was kind of, in a nutshell, our second adoption. As long as the first adoption took\u2014the many years of waiting, and praying, and crying\u2014our second adoption happened so quickly.\r\n\r\nDave: But you have three kids?\r\n\r\nLaurel: But we have three children. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nDave: And one of them is really young.\r\n\r\nLaurel: And one of them is really young. At the day of this recording, she is ten weeks. She turned ten weeks old yesterday. That little girl came to us through embryo adoption. \r\n\r\nDave: Talk about how you and Gary connected on\u2014I\u2019d love to talk about the five languages, especially hearing Gary\u2019s expertise of perspective on\u2014an adopted situation. Is it totally different?\r\n\r\nGary: Well, I think it is different, no question about it, because when you adopt a child, you don\u2019t have the emotional attachment that you do when you give birth to a biological child. That\u2019s why I was really interested in writing a book with Laurel, because she\u2019s had that experience. She used the five love languages in the process of all of that. I thought, \u201cMan, if I\u2019m ever going to write a book on this topic, she\u2019s the one I want to write it with, because she\u2019s had the experience with this.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: That\u2019s what motivated me. As you know, I had written a book earlier on blended families with Ron Deal.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: With Ron, yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: I knew that there was a difference there, as well. I thought, \u201cThere are so many adoptions now, that this is going to help a lot of people if we can write this book, and they can get the concept of how the love languages can help them effectively communicate love to these children that they do love.\u201d I\u2019m excited about it.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. I am, too. \r\n\r\nDave: Real quickly, as we talk about the five love languages, we\u2019ve got the guy who wrote the book sitting right here. [Laughter] Can you give us a brief overview for those\u2014I think there might be one person in eight billion [Laughter] who hasn\u2019t heard of those five love languages?\r\n\r\nGary: Well, often, people say, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve heard about the five love languages,\u201d but they don\u2019t know what they are. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nOne of them is words of affirmation: things you can comment about the child that you really appreciate. It can be the way they look, or their muscles, or something they\u2019ve done. It\u2019s just words of affirmation.\r\n\r\nAnd then one is gifts. It\u2019s universal to give gifts as an expression of love. I don\u2019t mean you give the child everything they ask for. We\u2019re the parents. We give them things that we think will be valuable to them at that particular time. For many children, gifts speak loudly to them. \r\n\r\nAnd then, there\u2019s acts of service\u2014doing something for the child. And this one, when they\u2019re little, we have to speak this language. Because, when they\u2019re little, they don\u2019t know how to do anything. We do it all for them. But it\u2019s doing things, later on, like mending the doll\u2019s dress and helping them with the bicycle chains and all those sorts of things; acts of service.\r\n\r\nThen, there\u2019s quality time, by which I mean you give the child your undivided attention. [If] you\u2019re having a conversation with them, you don\u2019t answer your cell phone. Give them your undivided attention. You\u2019re not always talking; maybe you\u2019re playing a game with them, but they have your full attention. \r\n\r\nAnd then, physical touch. We\u2019ve long known the emotional power of physical touch. That\u2019s why we always, by nature, pick up those little babies and hold them and cuddle them. Long before they even understand the meaning of love, they\u2019re receiving love.\r\n\r\nThose are the five. The basic concept is that, eventually (at least before five years old), you can identify one of those which speaks more deeply to them emotionally than the other four. All of them are important, and with children, you speak all five languages; but once you know their primary language, you give heavy doses of that language. Otherwise, they will not feel loved, even though you are loving them in your own mind. \r\n\r\nAnn: Even in one of your chapters, it says: \u201cWhy don\u2019t\u201d\u2014it\u2019s titled\u2014\u201cWhy Don\u2019t You Feel the Love?\u201d Talk about that a little bit, Laurel: \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d and the bonding process with your adopted child and children.\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes. Of course, every family that goes for adoption, we\u2019re all unique, like every family; so, we all have different experiences. But there\u2019s this recognition that, for some parents, they don\u2019t necessarily instantly connect with the children that they adopt. I\u2019ve had the fortunate [experience] of connecting with each of my children and falling in love with them from the moment I laid eyes on them; but there\u2019s still an intentional process of love; of choosing to love and choosing to show them love. \r\n\r\nSome families just don\u2019t experience that, whether it\u2019s because they\u2019ve adopted a child who\u2019s been through something really difficult or traumatic, and that child is, maybe, more difficult to love at times or that child is not able to demonstrate love, does not know what love looks like [and] what love feels like. In those cases, I just wanted to help those parents know that they\u2019re not alone. There are other parents who are going through the exact same situation, even if every journey is different; they\u2019re still going through something similar, where they\u2019re struggling to connect, to bond, to attach. So, helping them, first of all, to know that they\u2019re not alone. I think that\u2019s so important. We all want to know that we\u2019re not going through our struggles by ourselves, and that there are others who can connect or relate with us.\r\n\r\nDave: Let\u2019s talk five love languages. Which one of you wants to dive into that? I don\u2019t know if anybody here is an expert on this or anything? [Laughter]\r\n\r\nGary: I say to parents, whether it\u2019s biological children or adopted children: we know that one of the deepest emotional needs a child has is the need to feel loved by the parents. To the parents I say, \u201cThe question is not: \u2018Do you love your child?\u2019 The question is: \u2018Do the children feel loved?\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: Because, by nature, we love our children; and if you adopt, you had to have a lot of love to adopt in the first place\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014right\u2014\r\n\r\nGary: \u2014so, you love the child; but are you expressing it in a way that that child is going to feel loved? That what I call the \u201cemotional love tank\u201d in the child is going to be full?\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s difficult in a biological birth to do that if you don\u2019t understand the love language concept. I\u2019ve had many parents say to me, \u201cYou know, we love our child, but we don\u2019t understand. We don\u2019t understand why they respond the way they do.\u201d Sometimes, a teenager will actually say, \u201cI feel like my parents don\u2019t love me,\u201d and I know their parents. I know they love them! [Laughter] It\u2019s just that they\u2019ve never discovered that a child has a primary love language. You\u2019ve got to learn the primary love language and give heavy doses of that. The same is true with adopted children. That\u2019s why I think this book is going to help a lot of adoptive parents to understand that concept. \r\n\r\nNow, when they\u2019re little and small, you speak all five love languages, because we want the child, eventually, to learn how to receive love in all five languages and, then, give love in all five languages. That\u2019s the healthiest adult. \r\n\r\nBut along about four years old, at least, you can discover the child\u2019s primary love language. That\u2019s when you have to give heavy doses of the primary, and then, you still speak the other four. That child\u2019s going to feel loved. But if you don\u2019t speak the primary language, you can be speaking the others, and they still don\u2019t feel loved. This simple concept can really help a parent effectively love an adopted child.\r\n\r\nAnn: Is it any different or any more difficult to discover the love language of a child who\u2019s been adopted?\r\n\r\nGary: I think it can be more difficult, yes. Because, for the first thing, you don\u2019t have that attachment we were talking about earlier, that emotional attachment with that child yet. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: For example, I\u2019ve had parents say, \u201cYou know, I knew that their love language was physical touch, and so I thought, \u2018Man, I\u2019m just going to hug them, and hug them, and hug them.\u2019 And I started hugging this adopted child.\u201d This is when they adopted later-in-life [an older child].\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: \u201cThe child pushes me away, so, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018What\u2019s going on here?\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\nI said, \u201cWell, you know, you don\u2019t have the attachment yet for them to receive that. You might have to do this incrementally. If physical touch is their language, you start with fist bumps. And then, you pat them on the back for a while. You kind of work your way up. They\u2019re getting to know you. They\u2019re making that emotional attachment with you. Then, they\u2019re going to receive a hug as an expression of love.\u201d Understanding that concept with an adopted child, I think, is very important.\r\n\r\nDave: Is there any timeline on that? Is it always different? Could it be a year? Could it be months?\r\n\r\nLaurel: There\u2019s always some sort of trauma that happens in adoption, even if the child is adopted at birth. That\u2019s a primary distinction between a child who has been adopted and a child who has not been adopted: there\u2019s always some type of trauma. I think of adoption as a place where joy and sorrow meet. There\u2019s always some sorrow there, even in the midst of the joy that the child brings to the adoptive parent\u2019s life. \r\n\r\nHow long it takes is really dependent. For us, we have a seven-year-old daughter. I know her love language, because she can tell you. She\u2019s old enough, she knows. When I started going through the questions with her, she just shouted, \u201cWords! Words! Words!\u201d [Laughter] She loves words of affirmation. That\u2019s what really lifts her up; that\u2019s what makes her feel good. She just gets the biggest grin when she feels seen. That is how she knows she is loved. Our four-year-old little rambunctious boy: he still likes all of them. We\u2019re still trying to sort through, \u201cWhat does he really need the most from us?\u201d It really depends upon the child.\r\n\r\nAnn: Go back, Gary, and remind us\u2014for those who maybe haven\u2019t heard this in a while\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014there\u2019s no one who doesn\u2019t know them. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: No, no, no! This is a good reminder: \u201cIf we have children, what\u2019s the best way to find out what their love language is?\u201d\r\n\r\nGary: I think, informally, you observe their behavior: \u201cHow do they typically respond to you? Or if there are siblings, to their siblings? Or to grandparents?\u201d If they\u2019re always running up to grandparents, and jumping on their lap, physical touch is probably their language. If they\u2019re always hugging you, that\u2019s a clue.\r\n\r\nI think a second clue is, as they get a little older: \u201cWhat do they request of you most often?\u201d If they\u2019re saying, \u201cWill you rub my back?\u201d or \u201cCan we read a story together?\u201d, [it] is quality time. The fact that they are requesting that of you. \r\n\r\nAnd then, the other is: \u201cWhat do they complain about most often?\u201d I had a mother say to me, \u201cMy six-year-old son said to me, \u2018We don\u2019t ever go to the park anymore since the baby came\u2019.\u201d [Laughter] He used to have his mother\u2019s undivided attention\u2014quality time\u2014he\u2019s not getting it now. And he\u2019s complaining about it.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: So, if you put those three things together: observing their behavior, and \u201cWhat are their requests?\u201d, and \u201cWhat do they complain about?\u201d it begins to surface. You can see what the primary language is.\r\n\r\nAnn: The Five Love Languages came out in 199-what? \r\n\r\nDave: \u20142.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u20142. I\u2019ll never forget the first time I read it. I had been with my family. We were all adults; my siblings. I remember saying, just to the siblings, \u201cI just feel like Mom and Dad didn\u2019t love us.\u201d And my brother saying, \u201cAre you kidding me?! They showed us every day.\u201d I said, \u201cThey never told us, and they never spent time\u2014that much time\u2014with us, individually.\u201d My brother said, \u201cBut they paid the bills! They took me on my college trip. My mom cleaned the house and cooked.\u201d It was the first time I connected: \u201cOh! He\u2019s acts of service.\u201d [With] everything they did for him, he saw them as lavishing him with love. \r\n\r\nWhere I needed\u2014they didn\u2019t speak words to me, and they weren\u2019t there very often. So, for me, the words part\u2014I didn\u2019t hear it, so I didn\u2019t believe it, even though they were showing me, but I didn\u2019t hear it.\r\n\r\nGary: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: It was the first time I realized. \r\n\r\nAnd then, when we had kids, I thought, \u201cOur kids, living under the same roof, could have those same feelings. They might feel like, \u2018Mom loves me,\u2019 and another could feel like, \u2018She never showed me,\u2019 because I wasn\u2019t speaking that language.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: And that\u2019s pretty common?\r\n\r\nGary: It\u2019s very, very common.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: That parents love a child, and that child doesn\u2019t feel loved. That\u2019s where the love language makes an impact, because it helps you focus in on: \u201cWhich of these languages really does communicate, on an emotional level, to them?\u201d \r\n\r\nThis is not everything about parenting, but this is a huge thing about parenting: effectively loving your children. If the child feels loved by the parents, they tend to grow up healthy, emotionally. If they don\u2019t feel loved by the parents, they grow up with a lot of internal struggles, emotionally. Sometimes, in the teenage years, they\u2019ll actually go looking for love, sometimes in the wrong places. \r\n\r\nDave and Ann: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: So, this is an important part of parenting.\r\n\r\nLaurel: And with children who have been adopted, it helps to establish that trust and safety that they don\u2019t come in with an intuitive sense of, because they\u2019re just getting to know you, and you\u2019re just getting to know them. You have to be able to demonstrate to them: \u201cHey, I\u2019m somebody who does love you. You can trust me. You are safe. I\u2019m going to take care of you.\u201d Speaking the love language that is unique to each of them is going to help develop that.\r\n\r\nAnn: Let\u2019s say you have a 13-year-old, whom you\u2019ve just adopted, come into your family. Maybe their background has not been easy, so they\u2019re coming in with some trauma. As a parent, what\u2019s the best way to approach that, Gary, to discover that love language?\r\n\r\nGary: Yes. I think, first of all, you have to recognize that 13-year-old has had 13 years of experience somewhere else\u2014sometimes, many people\u2014sometimes, they\u2019ve been in like four homes for a while, [where] people were taking care of them that didn\u2019t adopt them. It\u2019s going to take time, first of all, just to talk to the child. Let them tell you about their past. Let them tell you about the fun times they\u2019ve had in the past, the times where people have hurt them in the past; just conversations with them to learn something about what their experience has been, otherwise, you\u2019re just shooting in the dark.\r\n\r\nAnd then, I think, to say to them, in terms of love, \u201cI really feel badly about what happened to you in that experience. I can see how that would be very, very painful. If I were in your shoes, I\u2019m sure I\u2019d feel exactly how you feel; but I just want you to know, we really do love you. That\u2019s why we adopted you. We really do love you, and we want to show that to you in whatever way is meaningful to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nAt 13, you can actually describe the five love languages to them.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: \u201cHere\u2019s what the five languages are.\u201d And ask them, \u201cDoes one of those seem to be more important to you than the others?\u201d Sometimes, \u201cOh, yes, yes, yes.\u201d Sometimes, maybe, they won\u2019t, because if they haven\u2019t felt loved for all those years, they\u2019ll have trouble identifying it, even themselves, as to which one. So, say, \u201cWell, we\u2019ll speak all of them. In the next year, hopefully, you\u2019ll see which one is most important to you; but all of them are communicating love to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Would you add anything to that, Laurel?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes, I think all of that information is really helpful when you think about a child coming in who has had all 13 years, so far, of other experiences that have likely been very difficult, especially potentially moving from home to home and bringing with them a lot of memories that they\u2019re going to have to work through. I think one way that we can show love to a child [in that situation] is to get them the resources that they need; in particular, counseling services. I think, sometimes, we might think, \u201cOh, if I just show them love, here at the house, and I\u2019m involved in their school, and I take them to whatever sports they want to be involved in, and we go to church, everything will be fine.\u201d \r\n\r\nUltimately, there\u2019s still a lot of baggage that has come along with that young man or young woman. So, pursuing counseling\u2014not only for the child, but also for the family\u2014because it\u2019s not just about a child learning how to change his or her behavior, as an example. But how does the parent interact with that child? How is the parent engaging with the child? What kind of role model are we serving as for the child? If the child is struggling with aggression, are we getting aggressive with the child when we get upset with their behavior? Or are we demonstrating how we can be calm and patient? \r\n\r\nNow, we\u2019re not going to do that all the time, because no parent is perfect. This is not a book about how to discipline your child. It\u2019s about how to love your child. There\u2019s always room to grow, but that\u2019s one of my first thoughts: making sure that we get the child whatever counseling services they might need. \r\n\r\nDave: You mentioned earlier, \u201ctrauma.\u201d I\u2019m thinking\u2014we\u2019re done today, but I\u2019d like to dive into that a little bit tomorrow to say, \u201cOkay, when the trauma happens\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s the trauma of when they come in, but often, we\u2019ve had friends who say, \u201cIn the teen years or middle school years, things start to come out that maybe weren\u2019t there in year one or two\u201d\u2014how do you respond?\u2019\u201d I\u2019d love to hear you guys talk about that, because I think that would really help a lot of our families.\r\n\r\nShelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with \r\n\r\nDr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Laurel Shaler on FamilyLife Today. Dr. Shaler and \r\n\r\nDr. Chapman have written a book called Loving Adopted Children Well: A Five Love Languages\u00ae Approach. This is a book based on Dr. Chapman\u2019s best-selling The Five Love Languages. [It\u2019s] a specialized resource for intentional love for families with adopted children. You can get your copy right now by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can find it in our show notes. Call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \r\n\r\nYou know, families are something that\u2019s complicated. Sometimes, parents are the ones who are most complicated within the family. Earlier this week, we had on a guest named Faith Chang. She wrote a book called Peace over Perfection. Perfectionism is one of those things that can be troublesome for parents. They struggle with it, and they expect perfection out of their kids. But how do you enjoy a good God when you feel like you\u2019re never good enough? Faith addresses that in her book, that offers a fresh perspective on God\u2019s character and provides reassurance and guidance for Christians struggling with the burdens of perfectionism. \r\n\r\nThis book by Faith Chang is going to be our gift to you when you give to the ministry of FamilyLife\u00ae. You can get your copy right now with any donation by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com and clicking on the \u201cDonate Now\u201d button at the top of the page. Or, again, give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop us a donation in the mail if you like. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.\r\n\r\nNow, tomorrow, Dr. Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler will be back again to talk about the challenges and emotional impact on parents and children. She\u2019ll emphasize the need for patience, empathy, and, yes, counseling. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you\u2019ll join us. \r\n\r\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife                                 \r\n\r\n\n"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-283544.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-283544.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 1;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container .uagb-block-e11dbe9f{max-width: 100%;width: 100%;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container.alignfull.uagb-block-e11dbe9f > 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1781257577;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Adoption is beautiful AND it comes with unique challenges. As an adoptive parent, how do you love well? Drs. Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler offer help!","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>Learn more from Dr. Gary Chapman at <a href=\"http:\/\/5lovelanguages.com\/\">5lovelanguages.com<\/a>, or on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/5lovelanguages\/\">Instagram<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/5lovelanguages\/\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/x.com\/drgarychapman?lang=en\">X<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/drgarychapman\">YouTube<\/a>. You can also check out his <a href=\"https:\/\/5lovelanguages.com\/resources\/podcasts\/\">podcasts<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Learn more from Dr. Laurel Shaler at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.drlaurelshaler.com\/\">https:\/\/www.drlaurelshaler.com\/<\/a>, or on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/DrLaurelShaler\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/x.com\/DrLaurelShaler\">X<\/a>, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/drlaurelshaler\/\">Insta<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Grab their book \"<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/loving-adopted-children-well-a-5-love-languages-approach\">Loving Adopted Children Well: A 5 Love Languages\u00ae Approach<\/a>,\"\u00a0<\/li>\n<li>Gary's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/5-traits-of-a-healthy-family-steps-you-can-take-to-grow-closer-communicate-better-and-change-the-world-together\/\">5 Traits of a Healthy Family<\/a>, is also in our shop!<\/li>\n<li>Want to hear more episodes by Dr. Gary Chapman, <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/guest\/gary-chapman\/\">listen here<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>This week, for a donation of any size, we'll send you \"<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/july-2024\/peace-over-perfection\/\">Peace over Perfection: Enjoying a Good God When You Feel You're Never Good Enough<\/a>\" by Faith Chang as our way of saying a huge \"Thank you!\" for partnering with us toward stronger families around the world\u00a0<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-07-11.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nLoving Adopted Children Well\r\n\r\nGuests:Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Loving Adopted Children Well (Day 1 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:July 11, 2024\r\n\r\nGary: This is a huge thing about parenting: effectively loving your children. If the child feels loved by the parents, they tend to grow up healthy, emotionally. If they don\u2019t feel loved by the parents, they grow up with a lot of internal struggles. This is an important part of parenting.\r\n\r\nShelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.\r\n\r\nAnn: This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nDave: Alright; one of the greatest moments of my life\u2014and I\u2019m sure you know what I\u2019m talking about\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because I\u2019m going to say it was one of the greatest moments of my life, too\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014go ahead. You get to say it.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014was the day that our son and daughter-in-law adopted two of our grandsons.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Both of those days, at separate times, were really remarkable.\r\n\r\nDave: A courtroom in Denver became a sacred place for us, you know, as we just wept\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014yes.\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014watching.\r\n\r\nAnn: I think the piece of it, too, that really struck us was how we have been adopted by Christ into His family. It takes on a whole new meaning and significance when you watch it take place in that courtroom. \r\n\r\nDave: You know, we\u2019re going to talk about this today with two experts in this area. Dr. Gary Chapman is with us, talking about the five love languages applied to an adoption situation, with Dr. Laurel Shaler. You know better than anybody what we\u2019re going to talk about; but what hit me in that courtroom so strongly was: \u201cI know what those little boys don\u2019t know. Their entire future\u2019s absolutely, totally different.\u201d They don\u2019t know that at that point, but it hit me: \u201cThat\u2019s true of us,\u201d right? \r\n\r\nAs you come in\u2014first of all, let me say, \u201cWelcome to FamilyLife Today.\u201d We\u2019re so glad you\u2019re here. Laurel has never been here.\r\n\r\nLaurel: No, never been here; first time. So excited to be here.\r\n\r\nDave: And then, you\u2019ve got the veteran right beside you. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nLaurel: I know. I count my blessings, yes.\r\n\r\nDave: Gary, do you know how many times you\u2019ve been on FamilyLife [Today]? \r\n\r\nGary: I don\u2019t know how many times, but I always enjoy coming because I appreciate what is happening here.\r\n\r\nAnn: We always love having you, too.\r\n\r\nDave: How did you two pair up to write this book?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Well,\u2014Gary: It\u2019s Laurel\u2019s fault. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nDave: It\u2019s her fault? She reached out to you?Gary: She did.\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes, I did! I actually met your Acquisitions Editor, John Hinkley, at a conference. We were at the Moody table, talking about the five language books. I said, \u201cYou know, I\u2019ve been thinking it might be helpful if there were stories for families who have adopted.\u201d He said, \u201cHmm, okay. Let\u2019s keep talking.\u201d We did continue to talk. He approached Dr. Chapman. Then, I was able to talk with you, and you agreed that this might be a good idea and a good connection here, so we pursued writing this book.\r\n\r\nAnn: I like that because, Gary, you\u2019ve talked about the five love languages in parenting; but now, we\u2019re talking about, specifically, if it looks different and what it looks like with adopted kids.\r\n\r\nLaurel, give us your story. Where did this start from?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Right; the Lord had called us to adoption. He called us to adoption before we discovered infertility, but we know that was a part of our story. This was not God\u2019s second-best; this was His plan for the life of our family. One Wednesday night, at my home church\u2014that little church that I grew up in, my former Sunday school teacher came up to me and said that she knew this woman who had custody of a little baby. It was one of her relatives, and she was looking for an adoptive family. She said, \u201cLaurel, can I give her your phone number?\u201d In my mind, I was like, \u201cThis is never going to work out. This sounds crazy.\u201d I said, \u201cSure, give her my phone number.\u201d \r\n\r\nA couple of days later, that lady called me, and it was only two days after that that we met our daughter for the first time. I\u2019ll never forget meeting her and the door opening, and she just placed this little girl in my arms. I knew, in that moment, that she would become my daughter. It was a journey throughout the next several months before we were able to get custody of her, and then, we were able to adopt her. We met her when she was two months, and we adopted her two weeks before her first birthday. \r\n\r\nDave: Wow.\r\n\r\nAnn: It didn\u2019t stop there.\r\n\r\nLaurel: It did not stop there. [Laughter] That was the first adoption. We thought, maybe, that would be it, but one day, a few years later\u2014actually, it was about four months after my brother had passed away\u2014I got a call from our attorney, who had finalized our daughter\u2019s adoption, and he said, \u201cLaurel, there\u2019s a young woman I know. She came to see me today. She\u2019s looking to place her child for adoption. She\u2019s eight months along.\u201d He said, \u201cAnd I don\u2019t remember if she said she is having a boy or a girl, but are you interested?\u201d I said, \u201cYes!\u201d He said, \u201cWell, do you want to ask your husband?\u201d I said, \u201cHe\u2019ll say, \u2018Yes!\u2019\u201d [Laughter] \r\n\r\nThankfully, he did. We moved forward. It was a little boy. We found out that he had been born, and he was three days old when we met him. We adopted him a few months later. That was kind of, in a nutshell, our second adoption. As long as the first adoption took\u2014the many years of waiting, and praying, and crying\u2014our second adoption happened so quickly.\r\n\r\nDave: But you have three kids?\r\n\r\nLaurel: But we have three children. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nDave: And one of them is really young.\r\n\r\nLaurel: And one of them is really young. At the day of this recording, she is ten weeks. She turned ten weeks old yesterday. That little girl came to us through embryo adoption. \r\n\r\nDave: Talk about how you and Gary connected on\u2014I\u2019d love to talk about the five languages, especially hearing Gary\u2019s expertise of perspective on\u2014an adopted situation. Is it totally different?\r\n\r\nGary: Well, I think it is different, no question about it, because when you adopt a child, you don\u2019t have the emotional attachment that you do when you give birth to a biological child. That\u2019s why I was really interested in writing a book with Laurel, because she\u2019s had that experience. She used the five love languages in the process of all of that. I thought, \u201cMan, if I\u2019m ever going to write a book on this topic, she\u2019s the one I want to write it with, because she\u2019s had the experience with this.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: That\u2019s what motivated me. As you know, I had written a book earlier on blended families with Ron Deal.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: With Ron, yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: I knew that there was a difference there, as well. I thought, \u201cThere are so many adoptions now, that this is going to help a lot of people if we can write this book, and they can get the concept of how the love languages can help them effectively communicate love to these children that they do love.\u201d I\u2019m excited about it.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. I am, too. \r\n\r\nDave: Real quickly, as we talk about the five love languages, we\u2019ve got the guy who wrote the book sitting right here. [Laughter] Can you give us a brief overview for those\u2014I think there might be one person in eight billion [Laughter] who hasn\u2019t heard of those five love languages?\r\n\r\nGary: Well, often, people say, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve heard about the five love languages,\u201d but they don\u2019t know what they are. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nOne of them is words of affirmation: things you can comment about the child that you really appreciate. It can be the way they look, or their muscles, or something they\u2019ve done. It\u2019s just words of affirmation.\r\n\r\nAnd then one is gifts. It\u2019s universal to give gifts as an expression of love. I don\u2019t mean you give the child everything they ask for. We\u2019re the parents. We give them things that we think will be valuable to them at that particular time. For many children, gifts speak loudly to them. \r\n\r\nAnd then, there\u2019s acts of service\u2014doing something for the child. And this one, when they\u2019re little, we have to speak this language. Because, when they\u2019re little, they don\u2019t know how to do anything. We do it all for them. But it\u2019s doing things, later on, like mending the doll\u2019s dress and helping them with the bicycle chains and all those sorts of things; acts of service.\r\n\r\nThen, there\u2019s quality time, by which I mean you give the child your undivided attention. [If] you\u2019re having a conversation with them, you don\u2019t answer your cell phone. Give them your undivided attention. You\u2019re not always talking; maybe you\u2019re playing a game with them, but they have your full attention. \r\n\r\nAnd then, physical touch. We\u2019ve long known the emotional power of physical touch. That\u2019s why we always, by nature, pick up those little babies and hold them and cuddle them. Long before they even understand the meaning of love, they\u2019re receiving love.\r\n\r\nThose are the five. The basic concept is that, eventually (at least before five years old), you can identify one of those which speaks more deeply to them emotionally than the other four. All of them are important, and with children, you speak all five languages; but once you know their primary language, you give heavy doses of that language. Otherwise, they will not feel loved, even though you are loving them in your own mind. \r\n\r\nAnn: Even in one of your chapters, it says: \u201cWhy don\u2019t\u201d\u2014it\u2019s titled\u2014\u201cWhy Don\u2019t You Feel the Love?\u201d Talk about that a little bit, Laurel: \u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d and the bonding process with your adopted child and children.\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes. Of course, every family that goes for adoption, we\u2019re all unique, like every family; so, we all have different experiences. But there\u2019s this recognition that, for some parents, they don\u2019t necessarily instantly connect with the children that they adopt. I\u2019ve had the fortunate [experience] of connecting with each of my children and falling in love with them from the moment I laid eyes on them; but there\u2019s still an intentional process of love; of choosing to love and choosing to show them love. \r\n\r\nSome families just don\u2019t experience that, whether it\u2019s because they\u2019ve adopted a child who\u2019s been through something really difficult or traumatic, and that child is, maybe, more difficult to love at times or that child is not able to demonstrate love, does not know what love looks like [and] what love feels like. In those cases, I just wanted to help those parents know that they\u2019re not alone. There are other parents who are going through the exact same situation, even if every journey is different; they\u2019re still going through something similar, where they\u2019re struggling to connect, to bond, to attach. So, helping them, first of all, to know that they\u2019re not alone. I think that\u2019s so important. We all want to know that we\u2019re not going through our struggles by ourselves, and that there are others who can connect or relate with us.\r\n\r\nDave: Let\u2019s talk five love languages. Which one of you wants to dive into that? I don\u2019t know if anybody here is an expert on this or anything? [Laughter]\r\n\r\nGary: I say to parents, whether it\u2019s biological children or adopted children: we know that one of the deepest emotional needs a child has is the need to feel loved by the parents. To the parents I say, \u201cThe question is not: \u2018Do you love your child?\u2019 The question is: \u2018Do the children feel loved?\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Right.\r\n\r\nGary: Because, by nature, we love our children; and if you adopt, you had to have a lot of love to adopt in the first place\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014right\u2014\r\n\r\nGary: \u2014so, you love the child; but are you expressing it in a way that that child is going to feel loved? That what I call the \u201cemotional love tank\u201d in the child is going to be full?\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s difficult in a biological birth to do that if you don\u2019t understand the love language concept. I\u2019ve had many parents say to me, \u201cYou know, we love our child, but we don\u2019t understand. We don\u2019t understand why they respond the way they do.\u201d Sometimes, a teenager will actually say, \u201cI feel like my parents don\u2019t love me,\u201d and I know their parents. I know they love them! [Laughter] It\u2019s just that they\u2019ve never discovered that a child has a primary love language. You\u2019ve got to learn the primary love language and give heavy doses of that. The same is true with adopted children. That\u2019s why I think this book is going to help a lot of adoptive parents to understand that concept. \r\n\r\nNow, when they\u2019re little and small, you speak all five love languages, because we want the child, eventually, to learn how to receive love in all five languages and, then, give love in all five languages. That\u2019s the healthiest adult. \r\n\r\nBut along about four years old, at least, you can discover the child\u2019s primary love language. That\u2019s when you have to give heavy doses of the primary, and then, you still speak the other four. That child\u2019s going to feel loved. But if you don\u2019t speak the primary language, you can be speaking the others, and they still don\u2019t feel loved. This simple concept can really help a parent effectively love an adopted child.\r\n\r\nAnn: Is it any different or any more difficult to discover the love language of a child who\u2019s been adopted?\r\n\r\nGary: I think it can be more difficult, yes. Because, for the first thing, you don\u2019t have that attachment we were talking about earlier, that emotional attachment with that child yet. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: For example, I\u2019ve had parents say, \u201cYou know, I knew that their love language was physical touch, and so I thought, \u2018Man, I\u2019m just going to hug them, and hug them, and hug them.\u2019 And I started hugging this adopted child.\u201d This is when they adopted later-in-life [an older child].\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: \u201cThe child pushes me away, so, I\u2019m thinking, \u2018What\u2019s going on here?\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\nI said, \u201cWell, you know, you don\u2019t have the attachment yet for them to receive that. You might have to do this incrementally. If physical touch is their language, you start with fist bumps. And then, you pat them on the back for a while. You kind of work your way up. They\u2019re getting to know you. They\u2019re making that emotional attachment with you. Then, they\u2019re going to receive a hug as an expression of love.\u201d Understanding that concept with an adopted child, I think, is very important.\r\n\r\nDave: Is there any timeline on that? Is it always different? Could it be a year? Could it be months?\r\n\r\nLaurel: There\u2019s always some sort of trauma that happens in adoption, even if the child is adopted at birth. That\u2019s a primary distinction between a child who has been adopted and a child who has not been adopted: there\u2019s always some type of trauma. I think of adoption as a place where joy and sorrow meet. There\u2019s always some sorrow there, even in the midst of the joy that the child brings to the adoptive parent\u2019s life. \r\n\r\nHow long it takes is really dependent. For us, we have a seven-year-old daughter. I know her love language, because she can tell you. She\u2019s old enough, she knows. When I started going through the questions with her, she just shouted, \u201cWords! Words! Words!\u201d [Laughter] She loves words of affirmation. That\u2019s what really lifts her up; that\u2019s what makes her feel good. She just gets the biggest grin when she feels seen. That is how she knows she is loved. Our four-year-old little rambunctious boy: he still likes all of them. We\u2019re still trying to sort through, \u201cWhat does he really need the most from us?\u201d It really depends upon the child.\r\n\r\nAnn: Go back, Gary, and remind us\u2014for those who maybe haven\u2019t heard this in a while\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014there\u2019s no one who doesn\u2019t know them. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: No, no, no! This is a good reminder: \u201cIf we have children, what\u2019s the best way to find out what their love language is?\u201d\r\n\r\nGary: I think, informally, you observe their behavior: \u201cHow do they typically respond to you? Or if there are siblings, to their siblings? Or to grandparents?\u201d If they\u2019re always running up to grandparents, and jumping on their lap, physical touch is probably their language. If they\u2019re always hugging you, that\u2019s a clue.\r\n\r\nI think a second clue is, as they get a little older: \u201cWhat do they request of you most often?\u201d If they\u2019re saying, \u201cWill you rub my back?\u201d or \u201cCan we read a story together?\u201d, [it] is quality time. The fact that they are requesting that of you. \r\n\r\nAnd then, the other is: \u201cWhat do they complain about most often?\u201d I had a mother say to me, \u201cMy six-year-old son said to me, \u2018We don\u2019t ever go to the park anymore since the baby came\u2019.\u201d [Laughter] He used to have his mother\u2019s undivided attention\u2014quality time\u2014he\u2019s not getting it now. And he\u2019s complaining about it.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: So, if you put those three things together: observing their behavior, and \u201cWhat are their requests?\u201d, and \u201cWhat do they complain about?\u201d it begins to surface. You can see what the primary language is.\r\n\r\nAnn: The Five Love Languages came out in 199-what? \r\n\r\nDave: \u20142.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u20142. I\u2019ll never forget the first time I read it. I had been with my family. We were all adults; my siblings. I remember saying, just to the siblings, \u201cI just feel like Mom and Dad didn\u2019t love us.\u201d And my brother saying, \u201cAre you kidding me?! They showed us every day.\u201d I said, \u201cThey never told us, and they never spent time\u2014that much time\u2014with us, individually.\u201d My brother said, \u201cBut they paid the bills! They took me on my college trip. My mom cleaned the house and cooked.\u201d It was the first time I connected: \u201cOh! He\u2019s acts of service.\u201d [With] everything they did for him, he saw them as lavishing him with love. \r\n\r\nWhere I needed\u2014they didn\u2019t speak words to me, and they weren\u2019t there very often. So, for me, the words part\u2014I didn\u2019t hear it, so I didn\u2019t believe it, even though they were showing me, but I didn\u2019t hear it.\r\n\r\nGary: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: It was the first time I realized. \r\n\r\nAnd then, when we had kids, I thought, \u201cOur kids, living under the same roof, could have those same feelings. They might feel like, \u2018Mom loves me,\u2019 and another could feel like, \u2018She never showed me,\u2019 because I wasn\u2019t speaking that language.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: And that\u2019s pretty common?\r\n\r\nGary: It\u2019s very, very common.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: That parents love a child, and that child doesn\u2019t feel loved. That\u2019s where the love language makes an impact, because it helps you focus in on: \u201cWhich of these languages really does communicate, on an emotional level, to them?\u201d \r\n\r\nThis is not everything about parenting, but this is a huge thing about parenting: effectively loving your children. If the child feels loved by the parents, they tend to grow up healthy, emotionally. If they don\u2019t feel loved by the parents, they grow up with a lot of internal struggles, emotionally. Sometimes, in the teenage years, they\u2019ll actually go looking for love, sometimes in the wrong places. \r\n\r\nDave and Ann: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: So, this is an important part of parenting.\r\n\r\nLaurel: And with children who have been adopted, it helps to establish that trust and safety that they don\u2019t come in with an intuitive sense of, because they\u2019re just getting to know you, and you\u2019re just getting to know them. You have to be able to demonstrate to them: \u201cHey, I\u2019m somebody who does love you. You can trust me. You are safe. I\u2019m going to take care of you.\u201d Speaking the love language that is unique to each of them is going to help develop that.\r\n\r\nAnn: Let\u2019s say you have a 13-year-old, whom you\u2019ve just adopted, come into your family. Maybe their background has not been easy, so they\u2019re coming in with some trauma. As a parent, what\u2019s the best way to approach that, Gary, to discover that love language?\r\n\r\nGary: Yes. I think, first of all, you have to recognize that 13-year-old has had 13 years of experience somewhere else\u2014sometimes, many people\u2014sometimes, they\u2019ve been in like four homes for a while, [where] people were taking care of them that didn\u2019t adopt them. It\u2019s going to take time, first of all, just to talk to the child. Let them tell you about their past. Let them tell you about the fun times they\u2019ve had in the past, the times where people have hurt them in the past; just conversations with them to learn something about what their experience has been, otherwise, you\u2019re just shooting in the dark.\r\n\r\nAnd then, I think, to say to them, in terms of love, \u201cI really feel badly about what happened to you in that experience. I can see how that would be very, very painful. If I were in your shoes, I\u2019m sure I\u2019d feel exactly how you feel; but I just want you to know, we really do love you. That\u2019s why we adopted you. We really do love you, and we want to show that to you in whatever way is meaningful to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nAt 13, you can actually describe the five love languages to them.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nGary: \u201cHere\u2019s what the five languages are.\u201d And ask them, \u201cDoes one of those seem to be more important to you than the others?\u201d Sometimes, \u201cOh, yes, yes, yes.\u201d Sometimes, maybe, they won\u2019t, because if they haven\u2019t felt loved for all those years, they\u2019ll have trouble identifying it, even themselves, as to which one. So, say, \u201cWell, we\u2019ll speak all of them. In the next year, hopefully, you\u2019ll see which one is most important to you; but all of them are communicating love to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Would you add anything to that, Laurel?\r\n\r\nLaurel: Yes, I think all of that information is really helpful when you think about a child coming in who has had all 13 years, so far, of other experiences that have likely been very difficult, especially potentially moving from home to home and bringing with them a lot of memories that they\u2019re going to have to work through. I think one way that we can show love to a child [in that situation] is to get them the resources that they need; in particular, counseling services. I think, sometimes, we might think, \u201cOh, if I just show them love, here at the house, and I\u2019m involved in their school, and I take them to whatever sports they want to be involved in, and we go to church, everything will be fine.\u201d \r\n\r\nUltimately, there\u2019s still a lot of baggage that has come along with that young man or young woman. So, pursuing counseling\u2014not only for the child, but also for the family\u2014because it\u2019s not just about a child learning how to change his or her behavior, as an example. But how does the parent interact with that child? How is the parent engaging with the child? What kind of role model are we serving as for the child? If the child is struggling with aggression, are we getting aggressive with the child when we get upset with their behavior? Or are we demonstrating how we can be calm and patient? \r\n\r\nNow, we\u2019re not going to do that all the time, because no parent is perfect. This is not a book about how to discipline your child. It\u2019s about how to love your child. There\u2019s always room to grow, but that\u2019s one of my first thoughts: making sure that we get the child whatever counseling services they might need. \r\n\r\nDave: You mentioned earlier, \u201ctrauma.\u201d I\u2019m thinking\u2014we\u2019re done today, but I\u2019d like to dive into that a little bit tomorrow to say, \u201cOkay, when the trauma happens\u201d\u2014and there\u2019s the trauma of when they come in, but often, we\u2019ve had friends who say, \u201cIn the teen years or middle school years, things start to come out that maybe weren\u2019t there in year one or two\u201d\u2014how do you respond?\u2019\u201d I\u2019d love to hear you guys talk about that, because I think that would really help a lot of our families.\r\n\r\nShelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with \r\n\r\nDr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Laurel Shaler on FamilyLife Today. Dr. Shaler and \r\n\r\nDr. Chapman have written a book called Loving Adopted Children Well: A Five Love Languages\u00ae Approach. This is a book based on Dr. Chapman\u2019s best-selling The Five Love Languages. [It\u2019s] a specialized resource for intentional love for families with adopted children. You can get your copy right now by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can find it in our show notes. Call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \r\n\r\nYou know, families are something that\u2019s complicated. Sometimes, parents are the ones who are most complicated within the family. Earlier this week, we had on a guest named Faith Chang. She wrote a book called Peace over Perfection. Perfectionism is one of those things that can be troublesome for parents. They struggle with it, and they expect perfection out of their kids. But how do you enjoy a good God when you feel like you\u2019re never good enough? Faith addresses that in her book, that offers a fresh perspective on God\u2019s character and provides reassurance and guidance for Christians struggling with the burdens of perfectionism. \r\n\r\nThis book by Faith Chang is going to be our gift to you when you give to the ministry of FamilyLife\u00ae. You can get your copy right now with any donation by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com and clicking on the \u201cDonate Now\u201d button at the top of the page. Or, again, give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop us a donation in the mail if you like. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.\r\n\r\nNow, tomorrow, Dr. Gary Chapman and Laurel Shaler will be back again to talk about the challenges and emotional impact on parents and children. She\u2019ll emphasize the need for patience, empathy, and, yes, counseling. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow; we hope you\u2019ll join us. \r\n\r\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife                                 \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/283544","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=283544"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=283544"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=283544"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=283544"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=283544"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=283544"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=283544"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}