{"id":280560,"date":"2023-04-27T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-27T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine\/"},"modified":"2025-04-29T14:34:29","modified_gmt":"2025-04-29T18:34:29","slug":"a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine\/","title":{"rendered":"A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One: Bob Lepine"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Fed up with your spouse? Author Bob Lepine helps you trade blame, dissatisfaction, and disappointment for a stronger, richer, and more rewarding marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Fed up with your spouse? Author Bob Lepine helps you trade blame, dissatisfaction, and disappointment for a stronger, richer, and more rewarding marriage. Show Notes and Resources Grab Bob&#8217;s book, Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, from New G&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/2498bb72-6a74-419c-955d-b154011f1c4f\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:09","filesize":"23.06M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-04-27 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2307],"podcast_series":[8625],"cwp_profile":[3142],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280560","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-stronger-marriage","podcast_series-a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280560\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280560\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"tRK7xh7RYW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine\/\">A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One: Bob Lepine<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine\/embed\/#?secret=tRK7xh7RYW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One: Bob Lepine&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"tRK7xh7RYW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["MS-000725"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/2498bb72-6a74-419c-955d-b154011f1c4f\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:25:09"],"filesize":["23.06M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280866"],"_edit_lock":["1745951684:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"show_notes":["<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/bob-lepine\/\">Find more of Bob's books on our shop<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/?orderby=date\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2023-04-27 09:15:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/2498bb72-6a74-419c-955d-b154011f1c4f\/audio.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<br \/>\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One<\/p>\n<p>Guest: Bob Lepine<br \/>\nFrom the series: A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One (Day 1 of 2)<br \/>\nAir date: April 27, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Biggest surprise of our marriage? Something you didn\u2019t see coming after we got married. Something you were shocked [about]? I know I\u2019m throwing this out of nowhere, but what\u2019s the first thing that comes to your mind? How amazing I am?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Okay, it\u2019s not going to happen as quickly as it did.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The hair loss.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Hey, by the way, if you recognize that voice\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: They\u2019re like,\u201d I know that voice!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Bob Lepine just jumped in\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I love it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014and interrupted our conversation!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I had to!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He had to! That was funny. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Only he can do this, you know? With somebody else, it would be like, \u201cWhat are you doing interrupting?\u201d But Bob, you own FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You started FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You know, before Ann answers, let me just say, \u2018Welcome back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It is great to be back. I always love being here with you guys, and it\u2019s a privilege. And it\u2019s always great to throw in a dig about your hair.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I know. [Laughter] Because you\u2019ve got so much more of it. I know!<br \/>\nWe\u2019re going to talk about a book you\u2019ve just written.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Build a Stronger Marriage. But Ann, do you have an answer?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: There were some wonderful things! I was surprised that I could so quickly see the negative in you and in our relationship; and how I thought you should be meeting all my needs.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, your surprise is more about you! I thought you\u2019d be surprised at how messed up I was!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I can explain this for you!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Okay, please do.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, good, good! Bob\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She\u2019s sort of got a counselor in the room.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She was surprised that you were not as spiritually mature, and as much of a spiritual leader, as she thought you were going to be early on in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You\u2019re saying that\u2019s all in that one little statement there?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Crystal clear!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: [Laughing] Bob knows our story!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It\u2019s crystal clear to me. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Bob knows our story way too well.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, yes, he does.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He knows us too well!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: He can tell us what was wrong with us. One of the things I thought you were going to say, Ann, is one of my surprises: was how much we fought.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, I didn\u2019t think that was much at all! In my family, we fought all the time!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I guess maybe that\u2019s why! We\u2019ve previously talked about family of origin issues, and mine was we never fought in our home! That doesn\u2019t mean there wasn\u2019t conflict. There was all kinds of conflict. It was never talked about.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, when we started having conflicts, that was a surprise! And you know, I walked out of the room like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know what to do with this.\u201d But that\u2019s why I\u2019ve turned to Bob right now, because in your book, you have a whole section.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, wait! Let\u2019s find out his surprise. What surprised you, Bob?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, okay; good.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What was the biggest surprise? The first thing that comes to mind is, I was surprised on the first Saturday that we were married. We had gotten married on a Saturday, we went on our honeymoon, and we came back; so, this is our first Saturday in our new home together. And throughout our dating years, Saturday morning\u2014when Mary Ann and I were dating, we\u2019d be together usually on Friday night doing something, and then Saturday morning\u2014was when I slept in, got caught up for the week. We would usually, if we were going to do anything on Saturday, it would be lunch time before we\u2019d do anything. I could, and still can, sleep late on Saturday.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Because you\u2019re a late-night person, too.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes, right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, the first Saturday morning after we were married, Mary Ann, who\u2019s an early riser, had probably awakened that morning at six; maybe 6:30. She\u2019d gotten up. She\u2019d been out in the kitchen, and maybe read her Bible and did some stuff; but it\u2019s two-and-a-half hours later. It\u2019s nine in the morning, and she\u2019s sitting out there on her own, doing nothing, bored, thinking, \u201cWhen is the day going to get started? When\u2019s my husband going to get out of bed?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cMy lazy husband!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s right!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: She\u2019s thinking, \u201cI married a lazy man!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She comes into the bedroom at nine o\u2019clock on Saturday morning and raises the shades! [Laughter] I\u2019m sound asleep, and she raises the shades! And I looked up at her like, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d She smiled and said, \u201cGood morning, sweetheart.\u201d And I was like, \u201cAre you out of your mind?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cI was sleeping! It\u2019s Saturday morning. This is my morning to get caught up!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, it was one of those\u2014and we talked about it later, because she said, \u201cMy dad, on Saturday, would get up early, and he would get started on his \u2018to do\u2019 list, and I just always thought that\u2014 .You know, we dated for four years, and you slept in on Saturdays. I thought, after we got married, you\u2019d fall into my dad\u2019s pattern\u2014\u201d [Laughter] \u201cand you would start getting up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: How did you respond to that?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Like, \u201cWhy would you think something like that!? That\u2019s insane!\u201d You know, all of us carry those expectations, those ideas, into marriage. And we had to learn how we were going to make that dance work in our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you write about these kinds of things in your book. How does the average person deal with it? Because you know, in ours, I\u2019m walking out of the room. I don\u2019t want to talk about it. You talked about it, but couples don\u2019t know. I was shocked at the level of anger\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014that I would feel in my life. Ann told me I was an \u201cangry man\u201d at one point, and I yelled at her [Laughter], which was a really good\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cNo, I am not an angry man!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And she just said, \u201cExhibit A,\u201d you know?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I was like, \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Help couples understand. We have different patterns; we have conflict; we don\u2019t know what to do. Where do we go?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I think the first thing that you\u2019ve identified is that we\u2019ve got to get to, \u201cWhat\u2019s behind the conflict? Where is the discontent or the anger coming from?\u201d James talks about this, in James, Chapter 4 in the Bible. It says, \u201cWhy is there fighting and quarreling among you?\u201d The short answer is \u201cbecause you want things, and you don\u2019t get them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, we have these desires. We want life to go this way. We want things to work out this way. Mary Ann wanted her husband to get up on Saturday morning at this time. I wanted sleep. We had our desires. They weren\u2019t going the way we wanted them. So, that leads to fighting and quarreling among us. \u201cIt should be my way!\u201d \u201cNo, it should be my way!\u201d \u201cNo, I want it this way!\u201d \u201cWell, it hurts when you do that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, we have to pull back and go, \u201cWhat\u2019s the deal with our anger?\u201d We\u2019ve got the conflict; that\u2019s why there\u2019s quarreling; but the anger that emerges out of that is a really interesting passion. The Bible talks about anger as an attribute of God. God is a jealous God; He\u2019s an angry God. There\u2019s wrath that\u2019s a part of God\u2019s character; but God\u2019s wrath is very different than our wrath.<\/p>\n<p>A lot of people will say, \u201cWell, you know, it\u2019s okay to be angry, because God is angry.\u201d I say, \u201cWhen you can be angry in perfect holiness, then we can talk about your anger!\u201d But most of us, we\u2019re angry because things aren\u2019t going our way. I think, behind that anger, there\u2019s often fear and insecurity. We respond in anger because we\u2019re trying to feel safer. That\u2019s what makes us angry.<\/p>\n<p>I hope that\u2019s making sense to people. Here\u2019s how I describe it: if you\u2019ve got a dog that\u2019s growling\u2014over in a corner growling\u2014at you, that dog is frightened that somebody is invading his territory. He doesn\u2019t feel safe, and he\u2019s growling to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to try to frighten you so that I feel safer; so, you\u2019ll back off, and I\u2019ll feel safer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, it\u2019s like when we first got married, and we first heard about the idea that anger is a second emotion, that was a huge light bulb that went on for us, because when Dave would get angry, I started to think, \u201cWhat\u2019s underneath that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cWhat\u2019s the first emotion that he\u2019s feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What\u2019s the fear? What\u2019s the insecurity? If you\u2019re growling at each other in marriage\u2014and I think we do that a lot; we growl.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: A lot!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: When you growl, you have to think, \u201cWait! What\u2019s behind that? What\u2019s the insecurity? What\u2019s the fear? What\u2019s the vulnerability that\u2019s being addressed here? Somebody doesn\u2019t feel safe in this moment and is there a way to address that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Do you remember being angry at Mary Ann?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, I\u2019m pretty even keeled.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, you are.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She would tell you that that\u2019s just\u2014I have an optimistic temperament.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And my kids would say, \u201cDad doesn\u2019t get flustered very easily.\u201d But yes, I remember times when I would be passively, quietly storing up anger; not expressing it toward her, but fuming about it, sitting in my chair. She\u2019s gone to bed, and I\u2019m still up thinking about it, just thinking, \u201cThis isn\u2019t right, and this is unjust.\u201d Letting that kind of toxic bitterness grow up in my heart. If you let that happen, whether you\u2019re a shouter or you\u2019re a fumer like I was\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You\u2019re cultivating a toxic cesspool under the surface of your marriage that can come back and really poison relationship. This is why we have to identify, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on in my heart? What are the demands I\u2019m making on my wife that are causing me to be angry? What are the needs that I feel I\u2019m justified to that aren\u2019t being met? What are the idols in my heart?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because that\u2019s really what a lot of these are: \u201cI deserve this! I want this! You should be doing this my way.\u201d And I have to call that out and surrender a lot of that before the Lord and say, \u201cLord, I\u2019m not promised these things. I\u2019m not guaranteed these things. I need to surrender some of these things.\u201d Or I either let go of it, or I\u2019ve got to sit down and address it. This is the fork in the road that you come to.<\/p>\n<p>So, when you\u2019ve got an issue in your marriage, the first choice you face is, \u201cAm I going to overlook this issue, or am I going to confront the issue?\u201d Now, I would say my option was most often to overlook, except I wasn\u2019t really overlooking. I was just storing, compartmentalizing.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s a difference. The fact that you don\u2019t erupt doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve overlooked. So, the Bible says in Proverbs, \u201cIt\u2019s a man\u2019s glory to overlook an offense.\u201d In the New Testament, it says, \u201cLove covers a multitude of sins.\u201d When there\u2019s transgression against us, it\u2019s a glorious thing to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to choose to overlook this offense. I\u2019m going to cover this with grace. I\u2019m not going to make this into a wedge in our marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But if you\u2019re going to do that, you have to do that in such a way that you really are putting it away, not keeping it stored up in the inner recesses of your soul. The more you\u2019re letting it just kind of build up in your soul, you\u2019re not overlooking anything. You\u2019re just postponing the conflict.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember trying to figure this out when we were probably married ten years. I was still trying to figure it out, because I have the tendency to say whatever I\u2019m thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, if I\u2019m angry, I\u2019ll just say, \u201cI\u2019m angry!\u201d or \u201cThis is frustrating.\u201d So, when God was trying to get a hold of my tongue and my thoughts, I remember thinking, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not going to say anything.\u201d So, I would go a little bit, and it wouldn\u2019t come back up. I\u2019d give it to Jesus. Then, I started realizing and started praying, \u201cLord, if this is important; if this is something we need to talk about, then bring it back up, and allow me to have the wisdom to say it in the way that I should.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was kind of a good thermometer for me that, if it went away, I would give it to Jesus, like, \u201cLord, this isn\u2019t that big of a deal, and I don\u2019t want to keep bringing things up;\u201d but if it would come back up and it would resurface, and I had these big feelings about it, then I would pray about it and say it to Dave. Because if I didn\u2019t do that, boiling would come out terrible!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That probably happened to you. No, I bet it didn\u2019t happen to you too often!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, here\u2019s how it worked out in our marriage: what is the dirtiest part of your socks? The socks you are wearing? Is it the inside of the sock, or the outside of the sock?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It depends on the last time you took a shower.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right, but on a day-in and day-out basis\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: The outside.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You would say the outside is the dirtiest part?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Do you agree with that?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, most of the time.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, the inside is there against the sweat, and against the grime.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, when you take off your socks and put them in the laundry for them to be laundered, should you put them in the laundry basket with the outside exposed or with the inside? Do you take them off\u2014which way do you put them in the laundry basket?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: With the outside exposed, so I don\u2019t have to turn them back when I wash them.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s Mary Ann\u2019s answer as well. [Laughter] Right? I always take my socks off and leave them inside out!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Why would you do that? It\u2019s more work!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because that\u2019s how\u2014when you take them off, that\u2019s how they are! [Laughter] They\u2019re inside-out. You put them in the laundry. Besides, my feet were sweaty and dirty, and that needs to be out closer to\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you\u2019re thinking you\u2019re doing the right thing for Mary Ann?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Exactly, right!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I always flip mine back. I guess my wife taught me that.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, yes! She will eventually. I don\u2019t know how many years Mary Ann went with quiet frustration\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, no!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014about these socks being the wrong way before she finally spoke up and said, \u201cYou know, it would really make things easier for me.\u201d Here\u2019s what I think she did: she started putting them back in my drawer afterwards inside-out. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Did she?!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That was smart! What did you say?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I was like, \u201cYou didn\u2019t turn my socks inside\u2014\u201d She said, \u201cWell, you didn\u2019t turn them the right way up when you put them in the hamper.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s kind of smart, Mary Ann.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, that\u2019s kind of passive-aggressive; a little conflict over something.<\/p>\n<p>Now, here\u2019s the point: we\u2019re talking about something stupid like socks, right? I mean, at the end of the day, this is the kind of thing that we pour grace on; this is the kind of thing that \u201clove covers a multitude of sins.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You overlook.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You overlook it! But, if it does annoy you after a time, you can find a way to bring it up, maybe not passive-aggressively like putting the socks back inside-out, but to bring it up and to say, \u201cYou know, this makes it harder for me if I\u2019m always having to undo your socks. I don\u2019t know, but it\u2019s annoying for me. Could you turn the socks the other way up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I heard that, and I thought, \u201cYes, I guess I could do that. I mean, one of us has to do it, and it might as well be me, right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Dave did the same thing! It was so nice!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it saved your marriage. [Laughter] There you are!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It\u2019s little things like that\u2014you put about 15 or 20 of those \u201clittle\u201d things into a jar\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014and you can have something that\u2019s pretty ugly, right?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes! And you can also have big things, because one of the things I did not understand about my anger and it got to the point, Bob, where at times it was out of control.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Bob!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean, one time, I\u2019m throwing a wrench at a lawn mower that won\u2019t start.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s outside. I can hear him yelling!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Kicking it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s not cursing or anything; he\u2019s yelling at the top of his voice! I run out in the garage, thinking, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d And he\u2019s kicking the lawn mower. He\u2019s throwing things at it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it didn\u2019t just happen once or twice.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s screaming at it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I remember, in those moments, I was like, \u201cWhy am I out of control?\u201d Here\u2019s one of my light bulb moments: it\u2019s what you said earlier, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s connected to something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was more passive. I overlooked. It was \u201cno big deal,\u201d and here\u2019s what I discovered. Often, I felt hurt emotionally. So, I was trained, you know, \u201cmen don\u2019t cry. You just grit it and get through it,\u201d and yet, there was this hurt.<\/p>\n<p>A lot of it was what Ann was saying earlier: she says out loud what she\u2019s thinking. She would call me out on stuff and be disappointed in me, and I never once stopped and said, \u201cYou know, that sort of hurt. Can we talk about that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I just stuffed it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You really never did say anything to me. I didn\u2019t even know! I thought, \u201cOh, he likes me doing this!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She thought it was making me better!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I did think it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I was like, \u201cHow is this working for you, girl? I\u2019m not changing!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, you\u2019re saying that I was causing that frustration, and you were kicking the lawn mower?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I\u2019m not connecting all the dots, but I did discover there was some hurt that I was feeling, not just from Ann, but from different parts of my life\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Your incompetence with the lawnmower was exposing a weakness in you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Exactly!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cYou\u2019re not a man! Men should be able to fix the lawn mower.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right! And so, I had to learn, and this is where I want your wisdom\u2014<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not going to overlook this anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I think I\u2019ve identified, \u201cThis is bigger than just me being mad. I\u2019m feeling hurt by your words. I\u2019m feeling hurt that you don\u2019t believe in me. You don\u2019t love me as much as I thought, as your husband.\u201d I want to confront that.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How do I confront that?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, when there\u2019s an issue like that that comes up, where we go, \u201cThis is sticking with me.\u201d The kind of thing you were talking about, Ann.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Where it just keeps coming back, either because there\u2019s hurt in our own soul, or because we look and we go, \u201cYou know, this is a pattern in our spouse\u2019s life that\u2019s not a healthy, good pattern, that we need to bring up for their sake, to help them get free of this unhealthy habit or pattern in their own life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, we have to make a decision that we\u2019re going to address this; we\u2019re going to have a moment of confrontation. Now, the wrong way to do that is in the heat of the moment, to say, \u201cWell, let\u2019s talk about this!\u201d So, there\u2019s a preparation process that we have to go through to be ready to have the kind of conversation God would want us to have.<\/p>\n<p>I always go back here, to Galatians 6:1, because this is a formula for how you address an issue. It says, \u201cBrothers, if you see someone caught in a sin\u2014in a trespass\u2014 \u201c; so, a wife or a husband, you see your spouse, and there\u2019s a pattern in their life and they\u2019re caught; there\u2019s something they struggle with. They just don\u2019t do it well; they don\u2019t do it right; they\u2019re insensitive; they\u2019re unkind; they\u2019re neglectful; or whatever it is. You see it, and it\u2019s an ongoing pattern. It\u2019s not a one-time thing, but it\u2019s something that just keeps happening over and over again.<\/p>\n<p>Here's what it says you do: \u201cYou who are spiritual.\u201d Whoops! [Laughter] So, before you\u2019re going to do anything, you have to be in the right spiritual frame of mind. That means you\u2019ve got to go to the Lord, and you\u2019ve got to say, \u201cLord, I\u2019ve observed this in Dave. I\u2019m watching him do this. I feel like I need to bring this up. Lord, first of all, are there any planks in my eye that I\u2019m missing, that need to be exposed here, Lord? Show me where I\u2019ve got issues in this area. Is there anything that I need to be addressing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Just have that conversation before the Lord, and then you say, \u201cLord, I want to make sure that I\u2019m addressing this with the motive of seeing Dave restored, and not with the motive of trying to destroy him or shame him or tear him down or get my needs met.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was going to say, a lot of it is \u201cor trying to change him,\u201d which is really getting him to meet my needs.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And that\u2019s a good perspective. I\u2019ve often thought, \u201cYou who are more spiritual\u201d means \u201cyou who are right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s not \u201cyou\u2019re right; she\u2019s wrong, he\u2019s wrong.\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWait, wait! Is my heart right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cAm I at a place of mature spiritual humility, actually, where I can go and say, \u2018I want to do this the right way\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cYou who are spiritual,\u201d and then it says, \u201crestore the other person with a spirit of meekness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Okay, so, two things: the goal is restoration. The goal is not, again, to shame, or to beat up, or to correct behavior. It\u2019s, \u201cI want you restored. I want you living in the kind of life that God created us to live in. I want this life to be what God wants it to be, so I want to help you with this ongoing issue in our marriage.\u201d \u201cRestore them with a spirit of meekness.\u201d Meekness means \u201cpower under control.\u201d So, this means self-controlled.<br \/>\nYou\u2019re not ready to go approach somebody unless you\u2019re ready to maintain self-control.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Okay, just this right there: that is hard to do!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But that is really wise to do; otherwise, you\u2019re going to blow up; your words aren\u2019t going to be kind. And when your words aren\u2019t kind and thought through, you\u2019re not humble.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And this is where\u2014I love how practical the Bible is here!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me, too.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because then, it goes on to say, \u201cand bear one another\u2019s burdens.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What do you think that means?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I think it means that, \u201cWhat I\u2019ve just addressed with you is a habit or a pattern or a sin issue in your life. It\u2019s something that has reoccurred. You\u2019re struggling with this. If I\u2019m going to bear this burden with you, it means I\u2019m your ally. I want to come along and help you get free from this. I want to do what I can do. I want to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem in your life. So, what does that need to look like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It may be different depending on different situations. Maybe, what you need to do is just back off. May be what you need to be is an ally. Say a husband comes to his wife and says, \u201cI\u2019ve never shared this with you, but I\u2019m struggling with pornography. I\u2019ve been looking at pornography.\u201d Okay, so, he\u2019s caught in a transgression. Hopefully, coming in that moment, the wife, filled with the Spirit, [has the] goal to restore him to where that\u2019s not an issue in their marriage anymore.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s going to do that with a spirit of meekness, which means\u2014it also says, \u201ctaking care that you, too, aren\u2019t tempted.\u201d She\u2019s going to make sure that she doesn\u2019t fall into some sin pattern because of what he stumbled into. And then, \u201cbear one another\u2019s burdens,\u201d to say, \u201cI know there\u2019s a vulnerability, a weakness, a sin issue here in your life, and I want to be your ally to help keep that from being an ongoing problem. What does that look like for me? How can I be the ally you need?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Bob Lepine on FamilyLife Today. If this is resonating with you, you\u2019ll want to hear some super-practical steps you can take in your marriage. Bob\u2019s got that in just a minute. But first, Bob has written a book called Building a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness. You can get a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling us at 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800-F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alright, let me pause and thank all of our FamilyLife partners, because without your continued dedication to this donor-supported ministry, we wouldn\u2019t exist. We wholeheartedly appreciate you. If you have yet to join us, we\u2019d love it if you\u2019d consider partnering with us today. When you do, we\u2019re going to send you a copy of Rachel Faulkner-Brown\u2019s book, His Name: Our Hope in Grief. Rachel was a guest with us earlier this week, and if you want to help more people benefit from conversations just like the one you heard today, you can partner with us at FamilyLIfeToday.com. When you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of His Name: Our Hope in Grief.<\/p>\n<p>Alright, here\u2019s Bob with a practical step you can take to help fight temptation in your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I remember talking to one couple where this was the issue for them, and the husband said to the wife, \u201cI\u2019ll just make a vow to you that if I ever look again, I\u2019ll tell you. I won\u2019t keep it a secret from you.\u201d He said making that pledge to her\u2014so many times in a moment of temptation, he would back away from the temptation because he would go, \u201cIf I do it, I\u2019ve got to tell her.\u201d He could imagine himself, the next day, having to tell his wife, \u201cI fell last night,\u201d and he didn\u2019t want to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Now, if he\u2019d come to her, and said, \u201cI gave in last night to temptation,\u201d being an ally means that you don\u2019t pile condemnation, guilt, and shame on top of that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And I would add, if you\u2019re the spouse that is receiving that news\u2014for example, if you\u2019re the wife, and your husband comes and tells you that, and you\u2019re thinking, \u201cOkay, I need to respond appropriately,\u201d I would advise, if you feel like you can\u2019t do it in that moment, just say, \u201cI need a little time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Pull away a little bit. I wish I had done this! Pull away a little bit. Go pray and go ask a friend to start praying for you before you come back and respond to your husband; because if you feel like you\u2019re just going to react and go off on him, then I would say, that\u2019s not always great. I\u2019ve done that a lot in the past, and it doesn\u2019t work. I would say, pull away; gather your emotions, your thoughts; pray; and then, come back to become his ally.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: If you\u2019re not in a place where you\u2019re controlled by the Spirit in that moment\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014you\u2019re right: back off and get to that point. That doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t come back and say, \u201cYou just need to know, when I hear that, it hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cIt makes me feel less than. It makes me feel\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Express your emotions!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Just don\u2019t attack your spouse.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right; exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Are you in a place where you feel like you\u2019re falling out of love? Well, tomorrow, on FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson are joined again by Bob Lepine to give you hope, help, and guidance. That\u2019s tomorrow. Please join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<br \/>\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_c0b24cfc681d961dcdc7f82f81baa9f33be85c9a":["\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Name\" type=\"name\"  required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Email\" type=\"email\" required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Website\" type=\"url\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Message\" type=\"textarea\" \/]"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_atts_c0b24cfc681d961dcdc7f82f81baa9f33be85c9a":["a:17:{s:2:\"to\";s:29:\"margaret.coyle@familylife.com\";s:7:\"subject\";s:78:\"[FamilyLife - A Cru Ministry] A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One: Bob Lepine\";s:12:\"show_subject\";s:2:\"no\";s:6:\"widget\";i:0;s:14:\"block_template\";N;s:19:\"block_template_part\";N;s:2:\"id\";i:280560;s:18:\"submit_button_text\";s:6:\"Submit\";s:14:\"customThankyou\";s:0:\"\";s:21:\"customThankyouHeading\";s:26:\"Your message has been sent\";s:21:\"customThankyouMessage\";s:30:\"Thank you for your 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up with your spouse? Author Bob Lepine helps you trade blame, dissatisfaction, and disappointment for a stronger, richer, and more rewarding marriage. Show Notes and Resources Grab Bob's book, Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness, from New G...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/bob-lepine\/\">Find more of Bob's books on our shop<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/?orderby=date\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<br \/>\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One<\/p>\n<p>Guest: Bob Lepine<br \/>\nFrom the series: A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One (Day 1 of 2)<br \/>\nAir date: April 27, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Biggest surprise of our marriage? Something you didn\u2019t see coming after we got married. Something you were shocked [about]? I know I\u2019m throwing this out of nowhere, but what\u2019s the first thing that comes to your mind? How amazing I am?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Okay, it\u2019s not going to happen as quickly as it did.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The hair loss.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Hey, by the way, if you recognize that voice\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: They\u2019re like,\u201d I know that voice!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Bob Lepine just jumped in\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I love it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014and interrupted our conversation!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I had to!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He had to! That was funny. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Only he can do this, you know? With somebody else, it would be like, \u201cWhat are you doing interrupting?\u201d But Bob, you own FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You started FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You know, before Ann answers, let me just say, \u2018Welcome back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It is great to be back. I always love being here with you guys, and it\u2019s a privilege. And it\u2019s always great to throw in a dig about your hair.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I know. [Laughter] Because you\u2019ve got so much more of it. I know!<br \/>\nWe\u2019re going to talk about a book you\u2019ve just written.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Build a Stronger Marriage. But Ann, do you have an answer?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: There were some wonderful things! I was surprised that I could so quickly see the negative in you and in our relationship; and how I thought you should be meeting all my needs.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, your surprise is more about you! I thought you\u2019d be surprised at how messed up I was!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I can explain this for you!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Okay, please do.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, good, good! Bob\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She\u2019s sort of got a counselor in the room.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She was surprised that you were not as spiritually mature, and as much of a spiritual leader, as she thought you were going to be early on in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You\u2019re saying that\u2019s all in that one little statement there?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Crystal clear!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: [Laughing] Bob knows our story!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It\u2019s crystal clear to me. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Bob knows our story way too well.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, yes, he does.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He knows us too well!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: He can tell us what was wrong with us. One of the things I thought you were going to say, Ann, is one of my surprises: was how much we fought.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, I didn\u2019t think that was much at all! In my family, we fought all the time!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I guess maybe that\u2019s why! We\u2019ve previously talked about family of origin issues, and mine was we never fought in our home! That doesn\u2019t mean there wasn\u2019t conflict. There was all kinds of conflict. It was never talked about.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, when we started having conflicts, that was a surprise! And you know, I walked out of the room like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know what to do with this.\u201d But that\u2019s why I\u2019ve turned to Bob right now, because in your book, you have a whole section.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, wait! Let\u2019s find out his surprise. What surprised you, Bob?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, okay; good.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What was the biggest surprise? The first thing that comes to mind is, I was surprised on the first Saturday that we were married. We had gotten married on a Saturday, we went on our honeymoon, and we came back; so, this is our first Saturday in our new home together. And throughout our dating years, Saturday morning\u2014when Mary Ann and I were dating, we\u2019d be together usually on Friday night doing something, and then Saturday morning\u2014was when I slept in, got caught up for the week. We would usually, if we were going to do anything on Saturday, it would be lunch time before we\u2019d do anything. I could, and still can, sleep late on Saturday.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Because you\u2019re a late-night person, too.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes, right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, the first Saturday morning after we were married, Mary Ann, who\u2019s an early riser, had probably awakened that morning at six; maybe 6:30. She\u2019d gotten up. She\u2019d been out in the kitchen, and maybe read her Bible and did some stuff; but it\u2019s two-and-a-half hours later. It\u2019s nine in the morning, and she\u2019s sitting out there on her own, doing nothing, bored, thinking, \u201cWhen is the day going to get started? When\u2019s my husband going to get out of bed?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cMy lazy husband!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s right!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: She\u2019s thinking, \u201cI married a lazy man!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She comes into the bedroom at nine o\u2019clock on Saturday morning and raises the shades! [Laughter] I\u2019m sound asleep, and she raises the shades! And I looked up at her like, \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d She smiled and said, \u201cGood morning, sweetheart.\u201d And I was like, \u201cAre you out of your mind?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cI was sleeping! It\u2019s Saturday morning. This is my morning to get caught up!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, it was one of those\u2014and we talked about it later, because she said, \u201cMy dad, on Saturday, would get up early, and he would get started on his \u2018to do\u2019 list, and I just always thought that\u2014 .You know, we dated for four years, and you slept in on Saturdays. I thought, after we got married, you\u2019d fall into my dad\u2019s pattern\u2014\u201d [Laughter] \u201cand you would start getting up.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: How did you respond to that?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Like, \u201cWhy would you think something like that!? That\u2019s insane!\u201d You know, all of us carry those expectations, those ideas, into marriage. And we had to learn how we were going to make that dance work in our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you write about these kinds of things in your book. How does the average person deal with it? Because you know, in ours, I\u2019m walking out of the room. I don\u2019t want to talk about it. You talked about it, but couples don\u2019t know. I was shocked at the level of anger\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014that I would feel in my life. Ann told me I was an \u201cangry man\u201d at one point, and I yelled at her [Laughter], which was a really good\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cNo, I am not an angry man!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And she just said, \u201cExhibit A,\u201d you know?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I was like, \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Help couples understand. We have different patterns; we have conflict; we don\u2019t know what to do. Where do we go?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I think the first thing that you\u2019ve identified is that we\u2019ve got to get to, \u201cWhat\u2019s behind the conflict? Where is the discontent or the anger coming from?\u201d James talks about this, in James, Chapter 4 in the Bible. It says, \u201cWhy is there fighting and quarreling among you?\u201d The short answer is \u201cbecause you want things, and you don\u2019t get them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, we have these desires. We want life to go this way. We want things to work out this way. Mary Ann wanted her husband to get up on Saturday morning at this time. I wanted sleep. We had our desires. They weren\u2019t going the way we wanted them. So, that leads to fighting and quarreling among us. \u201cIt should be my way!\u201d \u201cNo, it should be my way!\u201d \u201cNo, I want it this way!\u201d \u201cWell, it hurts when you do that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, we have to pull back and go, \u201cWhat\u2019s the deal with our anger?\u201d We\u2019ve got the conflict; that\u2019s why there\u2019s quarreling; but the anger that emerges out of that is a really interesting passion. The Bible talks about anger as an attribute of God. God is a jealous God; He\u2019s an angry God. There\u2019s wrath that\u2019s a part of God\u2019s character; but God\u2019s wrath is very different than our wrath.<\/p>\n<p>A lot of people will say, \u201cWell, you know, it\u2019s okay to be angry, because God is angry.\u201d I say, \u201cWhen you can be angry in perfect holiness, then we can talk about your anger!\u201d But most of us, we\u2019re angry because things aren\u2019t going our way. I think, behind that anger, there\u2019s often fear and insecurity. We respond in anger because we\u2019re trying to feel safer. That\u2019s what makes us angry.<\/p>\n<p>I hope that\u2019s making sense to people. Here\u2019s how I describe it: if you\u2019ve got a dog that\u2019s growling\u2014over in a corner growling\u2014at you, that dog is frightened that somebody is invading his territory. He doesn\u2019t feel safe, and he\u2019s growling to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to try to frighten you so that I feel safer; so, you\u2019ll back off, and I\u2019ll feel safer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, it\u2019s like when we first got married, and we first heard about the idea that anger is a second emotion, that was a huge light bulb that went on for us, because when Dave would get angry, I started to think, \u201cWhat\u2019s underneath that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cWhat\u2019s the first emotion that he\u2019s feeling?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What\u2019s the fear? What\u2019s the insecurity? If you\u2019re growling at each other in marriage\u2014and I think we do that a lot; we growl.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: A lot!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: When you growl, you have to think, \u201cWait! What\u2019s behind that? What\u2019s the insecurity? What\u2019s the fear? What\u2019s the vulnerability that\u2019s being addressed here? Somebody doesn\u2019t feel safe in this moment and is there a way to address that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Do you remember being angry at Mary Ann?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, I\u2019m pretty even keeled.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, you are.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: She would tell you that that\u2019s just\u2014I have an optimistic temperament.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And my kids would say, \u201cDad doesn\u2019t get flustered very easily.\u201d But yes, I remember times when I would be passively, quietly storing up anger; not expressing it toward her, but fuming about it, sitting in my chair. She\u2019s gone to bed, and I\u2019m still up thinking about it, just thinking, \u201cThis isn\u2019t right, and this is unjust.\u201d Letting that kind of toxic bitterness grow up in my heart. If you let that happen, whether you\u2019re a shouter or you\u2019re a fumer like I was\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You\u2019re cultivating a toxic cesspool under the surface of your marriage that can come back and really poison relationship. This is why we have to identify, \u201cWhat\u2019s going on in my heart? What are the demands I\u2019m making on my wife that are causing me to be angry? What are the needs that I feel I\u2019m justified to that aren\u2019t being met? What are the idols in my heart?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because that\u2019s really what a lot of these are: \u201cI deserve this! I want this! You should be doing this my way.\u201d And I have to call that out and surrender a lot of that before the Lord and say, \u201cLord, I\u2019m not promised these things. I\u2019m not guaranteed these things. I need to surrender some of these things.\u201d Or I either let go of it, or I\u2019ve got to sit down and address it. This is the fork in the road that you come to.<\/p>\n<p>So, when you\u2019ve got an issue in your marriage, the first choice you face is, \u201cAm I going to overlook this issue, or am I going to confront the issue?\u201d Now, I would say my option was most often to overlook, except I wasn\u2019t really overlooking. I was just storing, compartmentalizing.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s a difference. The fact that you don\u2019t erupt doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve overlooked. So, the Bible says in Proverbs, \u201cIt\u2019s a man\u2019s glory to overlook an offense.\u201d In the New Testament, it says, \u201cLove covers a multitude of sins.\u201d When there\u2019s transgression against us, it\u2019s a glorious thing to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to choose to overlook this offense. I\u2019m going to cover this with grace. I\u2019m not going to make this into a wedge in our marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But if you\u2019re going to do that, you have to do that in such a way that you really are putting it away, not keeping it stored up in the inner recesses of your soul. The more you\u2019re letting it just kind of build up in your soul, you\u2019re not overlooking anything. You\u2019re just postponing the conflict.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember trying to figure this out when we were probably married ten years. I was still trying to figure it out, because I have the tendency to say whatever I\u2019m thinking.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, if I\u2019m angry, I\u2019ll just say, \u201cI\u2019m angry!\u201d or \u201cThis is frustrating.\u201d So, when God was trying to get a hold of my tongue and my thoughts, I remember thinking, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not going to say anything.\u201d So, I would go a little bit, and it wouldn\u2019t come back up. I\u2019d give it to Jesus. Then, I started realizing and started praying, \u201cLord, if this is important; if this is something we need to talk about, then bring it back up, and allow me to have the wisdom to say it in the way that I should.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was kind of a good thermometer for me that, if it went away, I would give it to Jesus, like, \u201cLord, this isn\u2019t that big of a deal, and I don\u2019t want to keep bringing things up;\u201d but if it would come back up and it would resurface, and I had these big feelings about it, then I would pray about it and say it to Dave. Because if I didn\u2019t do that, boiling would come out terrible!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That probably happened to you. No, I bet it didn\u2019t happen to you too often!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, here\u2019s how it worked out in our marriage: what is the dirtiest part of your socks? The socks you are wearing? Is it the inside of the sock, or the outside of the sock?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It depends on the last time you took a shower.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right, but on a day-in and day-out basis\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: The outside.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You would say the outside is the dirtiest part?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Do you agree with that?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, most of the time.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, the inside is there against the sweat, and against the grime.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, when you take off your socks and put them in the laundry for them to be laundered, should you put them in the laundry basket with the outside exposed or with the inside? Do you take them off\u2014which way do you put them in the laundry basket?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: With the outside exposed, so I don\u2019t have to turn them back when I wash them.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s Mary Ann\u2019s answer as well. [Laughter] Right? I always take my socks off and leave them inside out!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Why would you do that? It\u2019s more work!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because that\u2019s how\u2014when you take them off, that\u2019s how they are! [Laughter] They\u2019re inside-out. You put them in the laundry. Besides, my feet were sweaty and dirty, and that needs to be out closer to\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you\u2019re thinking you\u2019re doing the right thing for Mary Ann?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Exactly, right!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I always flip mine back. I guess my wife taught me that.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, yes! She will eventually. I don\u2019t know how many years Mary Ann went with quiet frustration\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, no!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014about these socks being the wrong way before she finally spoke up and said, \u201cYou know, it would really make things easier for me.\u201d Here\u2019s what I think she did: she started putting them back in my drawer afterwards inside-out. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Did she?!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That was smart! What did you say?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I was like, \u201cYou didn\u2019t turn my socks inside\u2014\u201d She said, \u201cWell, you didn\u2019t turn them the right way up when you put them in the hamper.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s kind of smart, Mary Ann.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, that\u2019s kind of passive-aggressive; a little conflict over something.<\/p>\n<p>Now, here\u2019s the point: we\u2019re talking about something stupid like socks, right? I mean, at the end of the day, this is the kind of thing that we pour grace on; this is the kind of thing that \u201clove covers a multitude of sins.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You overlook.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: You overlook it! But, if it does annoy you after a time, you can find a way to bring it up, maybe not passive-aggressively like putting the socks back inside-out, but to bring it up and to say, \u201cYou know, this makes it harder for me if I\u2019m always having to undo your socks. I don\u2019t know, but it\u2019s annoying for me. Could you turn the socks the other way up?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I heard that, and I thought, \u201cYes, I guess I could do that. I mean, one of us has to do it, and it might as well be me, right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Dave did the same thing! It was so nice!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it saved your marriage. [Laughter] There you are!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: It\u2019s little things like that\u2014you put about 15 or 20 of those \u201clittle\u201d things into a jar\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014and you can have something that\u2019s pretty ugly, right?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes! And you can also have big things, because one of the things I did not understand about my anger and it got to the point, Bob, where at times it was out of control.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Bob!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean, one time, I\u2019m throwing a wrench at a lawn mower that won\u2019t start.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s outside. I can hear him yelling!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Kicking it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s not cursing or anything; he\u2019s yelling at the top of his voice! I run out in the garage, thinking, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d And he\u2019s kicking the lawn mower. He\u2019s throwing things at it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it didn\u2019t just happen once or twice.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s screaming at it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I remember, in those moments, I was like, \u201cWhy am I out of control?\u201d Here\u2019s one of my light bulb moments: it\u2019s what you said earlier, \u201cOkay, it\u2019s connected to something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was more passive. I overlooked. It was \u201cno big deal,\u201d and here\u2019s what I discovered. Often, I felt hurt emotionally. So, I was trained, you know, \u201cmen don\u2019t cry. You just grit it and get through it,\u201d and yet, there was this hurt.<\/p>\n<p>A lot of it was what Ann was saying earlier: she says out loud what she\u2019s thinking. She would call me out on stuff and be disappointed in me, and I never once stopped and said, \u201cYou know, that sort of hurt. Can we talk about that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I just stuffed it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You really never did say anything to me. I didn\u2019t even know! I thought, \u201cOh, he likes me doing this!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She thought it was making me better!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I did think it!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And I was like, \u201cHow is this working for you, girl? I\u2019m not changing!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, you\u2019re saying that I was causing that frustration, and you were kicking the lawn mower?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I\u2019m not connecting all the dots, but I did discover there was some hurt that I was feeling, not just from Ann, but from different parts of my life\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Your incompetence with the lawnmower was exposing a weakness in you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Exactly!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cYou\u2019re not a man! Men should be able to fix the lawn mower.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right! And so, I had to learn, and this is where I want your wisdom\u2014<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m not going to overlook this anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I think I\u2019ve identified, \u201cThis is bigger than just me being mad. I\u2019m feeling hurt by your words. I\u2019m feeling hurt that you don\u2019t believe in me. You don\u2019t love me as much as I thought, as your husband.\u201d I want to confront that.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How do I confront that?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, when there\u2019s an issue like that that comes up, where we go, \u201cThis is sticking with me.\u201d The kind of thing you were talking about, Ann.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Where it just keeps coming back, either because there\u2019s hurt in our own soul, or because we look and we go, \u201cYou know, this is a pattern in our spouse\u2019s life that\u2019s not a healthy, good pattern, that we need to bring up for their sake, to help them get free of this unhealthy habit or pattern in their own life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, we have to make a decision that we\u2019re going to address this; we\u2019re going to have a moment of confrontation. Now, the wrong way to do that is in the heat of the moment, to say, \u201cWell, let\u2019s talk about this!\u201d So, there\u2019s a preparation process that we have to go through to be ready to have the kind of conversation God would want us to have.<\/p>\n<p>I always go back here, to Galatians 6:1, because this is a formula for how you address an issue. It says, \u201cBrothers, if you see someone caught in a sin\u2014in a trespass\u2014 \u201c; so, a wife or a husband, you see your spouse, and there\u2019s a pattern in their life and they\u2019re caught; there\u2019s something they struggle with. They just don\u2019t do it well; they don\u2019t do it right; they\u2019re insensitive; they\u2019re unkind; they\u2019re neglectful; or whatever it is. You see it, and it\u2019s an ongoing pattern. It\u2019s not a one-time thing, but it\u2019s something that just keeps happening over and over again.<\/p>\n<p>Here's what it says you do: \u201cYou who are spiritual.\u201d Whoops! [Laughter] So, before you\u2019re going to do anything, you have to be in the right spiritual frame of mind. That means you\u2019ve got to go to the Lord, and you\u2019ve got to say, \u201cLord, I\u2019ve observed this in Dave. I\u2019m watching him do this. I feel like I need to bring this up. Lord, first of all, are there any planks in my eye that I\u2019m missing, that need to be exposed here, Lord? Show me where I\u2019ve got issues in this area. Is there anything that I need to be addressing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Just have that conversation before the Lord, and then you say, \u201cLord, I want to make sure that I\u2019m addressing this with the motive of seeing Dave restored, and not with the motive of trying to destroy him or shame him or tear him down or get my needs met.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was going to say, a lot of it is \u201cor trying to change him,\u201d which is really getting him to meet my needs.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And that\u2019s a good perspective. I\u2019ve often thought, \u201cYou who are more spiritual\u201d means \u201cyou who are right.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s not \u201cyou\u2019re right; she\u2019s wrong, he\u2019s wrong.\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWait, wait! Is my heart right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cAm I at a place of mature spiritual humility, actually, where I can go and say, \u2018I want to do this the right way\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cYou who are spiritual,\u201d and then it says, \u201crestore the other person with a spirit of meekness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Okay, so, two things: the goal is restoration. The goal is not, again, to shame, or to beat up, or to correct behavior. It\u2019s, \u201cI want you restored. I want you living in the kind of life that God created us to live in. I want this life to be what God wants it to be, so I want to help you with this ongoing issue in our marriage.\u201d \u201cRestore them with a spirit of meekness.\u201d Meekness means \u201cpower under control.\u201d So, this means self-controlled.<br \/>\nYou\u2019re not ready to go approach somebody unless you\u2019re ready to maintain self-control.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Okay, just this right there: that is hard to do!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But that is really wise to do; otherwise, you\u2019re going to blow up; your words aren\u2019t going to be kind. And when your words aren\u2019t kind and thought through, you\u2019re not humble.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And this is where\u2014I love how practical the Bible is here!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me, too.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Because then, it goes on to say, \u201cand bear one another\u2019s burdens.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What do you think that means?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I think it means that, \u201cWhat I\u2019ve just addressed with you is a habit or a pattern or a sin issue in your life. It\u2019s something that has reoccurred. You\u2019re struggling with this. If I\u2019m going to bear this burden with you, it means I\u2019m your ally. I want to come along and help you get free from this. I want to do what I can do. I want to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem in your life. So, what does that need to look like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It may be different depending on different situations. Maybe, what you need to do is just back off. May be what you need to be is an ally. Say a husband comes to his wife and says, \u201cI\u2019ve never shared this with you, but I\u2019m struggling with pornography. I\u2019ve been looking at pornography.\u201d Okay, so, he\u2019s caught in a transgression. Hopefully, coming in that moment, the wife, filled with the Spirit, [has the] goal to restore him to where that\u2019s not an issue in their marriage anymore.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s going to do that with a spirit of meekness, which means\u2014it also says, \u201ctaking care that you, too, aren\u2019t tempted.\u201d She\u2019s going to make sure that she doesn\u2019t fall into some sin pattern because of what he stumbled into. And then, \u201cbear one another\u2019s burdens,\u201d to say, \u201cI know there\u2019s a vulnerability, a weakness, a sin issue here in your life, and I want to be your ally to help keep that from being an ongoing problem. What does that look like for me? How can I be the ally you need?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Bob Lepine on FamilyLife Today. If this is resonating with you, you\u2019ll want to hear some super-practical steps you can take in your marriage. Bob\u2019s got that in just a minute. But first, Bob has written a book called Building a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness. You can get a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling us at 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800-F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alright, let me pause and thank all of our FamilyLife partners, because without your continued dedication to this donor-supported ministry, we wouldn\u2019t exist. We wholeheartedly appreciate you. If you have yet to join us, we\u2019d love it if you\u2019d consider partnering with us today. When you do, we\u2019re going to send you a copy of Rachel Faulkner-Brown\u2019s book, His Name: Our Hope in Grief. Rachel was a guest with us earlier this week, and if you want to help more people benefit from conversations just like the one you heard today, you can partner with us at FamilyLIfeToday.com. When you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of His Name: Our Hope in Grief.<\/p>\n<p>Alright, here\u2019s Bob with a practical step you can take to help fight temptation in your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I remember talking to one couple where this was the issue for them, and the husband said to the wife, \u201cI\u2019ll just make a vow to you that if I ever look again, I\u2019ll tell you. I won\u2019t keep it a secret from you.\u201d He said making that pledge to her\u2014so many times in a moment of temptation, he would back away from the temptation because he would go, \u201cIf I do it, I\u2019ve got to tell her.\u201d He could imagine himself, the next day, having to tell his wife, \u201cI fell last night,\u201d and he didn\u2019t want to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Now, if he\u2019d come to her, and said, \u201cI gave in last night to temptation,\u201d being an ally means that you don\u2019t pile condemnation, guilt, and shame on top of that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And I would add, if you\u2019re the spouse that is receiving that news\u2014for example, if you\u2019re the wife, and your husband comes and tells you that, and you\u2019re thinking, \u201cOkay, I need to respond appropriately,\u201d I would advise, if you feel like you can\u2019t do it in that moment, just say, \u201cI need a little time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Pull away a little bit. I wish I had done this! Pull away a little bit. Go pray and go ask a friend to start praying for you before you come back and respond to your husband; because if you feel like you\u2019re just going to react and go off on him, then I would say, that\u2019s not always great. I\u2019ve done that a lot in the past, and it doesn\u2019t work. I would say, pull away; gather your emotions, your thoughts; pray; and then, come back to become his ally.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: If you\u2019re not in a place where you\u2019re controlled by the Spirit in that moment\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2014you\u2019re right: back off and get to that point. That doesn\u2019t mean that you don\u2019t come back and say, \u201cYou just need to know, when I hear that, it hurts.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u201cIt makes me feel less than. It makes me feel\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Express your emotions!<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Just don\u2019t attack your spouse.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Right; exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Are you in a place where you feel like you\u2019re falling out of love? Well, tomorrow, on FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson are joined again by Bob Lepine to give you hope, help, and guidance. That\u2019s tomorrow. Please join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<br \/>\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. 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