{"id":280559,"date":"2023-04-28T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-04-28T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine\/"},"modified":"2025-04-29T14:34:11","modified_gmt":"2025-04-29T18:34:11","slug":"marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine\/","title":{"rendered":"Marital Conflict: What\u2019s Underneath Yours: Bob Lepine"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you avoid what&#8217;s beneath your marital conflict\u2026it&#8217;ll probably keep happening. Former FamilyLife Today cohost Bob Lepine helps you get to what gets you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you avoid what&#8217;s beneath your marital conflict\u2026it&#8217;ll probably keep happening. Former FamilyLife Today cohost Bob Lepine helps you get to what gets you. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/805201e8-a00a-403a-a54d-b154011f1bb1\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:07","filesize":"24.86M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-04-28 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2342],"podcast_series":[8625],"cwp_profile":[3142],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280559","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-marital-conflict","podcast_series-a-stronger-marriage-how-to-have-one-bob-lepine","cwp_profile-bob-lepine","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280559\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280559\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"xGFwLW4okI\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine\/\">Marital Conflict: What\u2019s Underneath Yours: Bob Lepine<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/marital-conflict-whats-underneath-yours-bob-lepine\/embed\/#?secret=xGFwLW4okI\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Marital Conflict: What\u2019s Underneath Yours: Bob Lepine&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"xGFwLW4okI\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["MS-000726"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/805201e8-a00a-403a-a54d-b154011f1bb1\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:27:07"],"filesize":["24.86M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280866"],"_edit_lock":["1745951689:47000"],"_edit_last":["47000"],"show_notes":["<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/bob-lepine\/\">Find more books by Bob on our shop<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/?orderby=date\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n"],"theme_header_position":["Sticky"],"post_header_is_sticky":["default"],"is_header_overlay":["0"],"episode_type":["audio"],"date_recorded":["2023-04-28 09:15:00"],"enclosure":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/805201e8-a00a-403a-a54d-b154011f1bb1\/audio.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<br \/>\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Marital Conflict What's Underneath Yours<\/p>\n<p>Guest: Bob Lepine<br \/>\nFrom the series: A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One (Day 2 of 2)<br \/>\nAir date: April 28, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s something really sweet.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s something really special about that generous display of love and affection. Think about Song of Solomon, where the two lovers are calling out to one another, and delighting in one another, and expressing that in all sorts of manners. The best marriages are where husbands and wives are generous and extravagant in expressing their love for one another.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLife.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: This is FamilyLife<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you were a world renowned gymnast [Laughter] that nobody ever heard about.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was not.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I mean you were stinking good [Laughter] and you don\u2019t like me saying this, but you had an Olympic coach looking at you when you were a young girl, telling your dad you had what it took to get all the way to the Olympics. Honestly, I am so glad you didn\u2019t go that route. [Laughter] Because we would have never gotten married. But as you think about, you know, the ability and the heart, and the practices that you went through to become a top-notch gymnast, what comes to your mind?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hard work [Laughter] Like - because we have a granddaughter that\u2019s in gymnastics now and I\u2013<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013We got to watch her the other day<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013It was just awesome.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013She was really amazing.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013and I, can I say? She was the best in the gym. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know how anybody else couldn\u2019t see that but no question.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But the thing that I hated the most about practice, and we practiced every single day, was\u2013except Sunday, was that we did 500 pushups and 500 sit-ups every single day.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And you were how old?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was\u2013I started at eight. And so we had to put into practice things that were grueling in order to make it to the next level.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So we\u2019ve got in the studio a \u201cbest practices guy.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013That\u2019s a good way to say it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: If our listeners, like, who could this be? They already heard him laugh, so they probably recognize the voice, but Bob Lepine is back at FamilyLife Today. Welcome back Bob. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Great to be here with you guys, thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, one of the reasons that we bring up this idea of best practices in your latest book, Build a Stronger Marriage at the back of the book, sort of toward the end you said, \u201cWhat are the best practices for a marriage?\u201d Do you have any athletic stories of best practices that [Laughter] like Ann does?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Or you were in a band<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So I was in a band, but you brought up athletics. So I played on a ninth grade football team.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I want to hear about this. This is a pretty classic story.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So we went \u20180\u2019 and \u20185\u2019 in our season. [Laughter] I was the third string fullback on an \u20180\u2019 and \u20185\u2019 team. [Laughter] So that tells you a little bit about my athletic prowess playing football. There was one day at practice where, you know, they were running the first team offense and they were just throwing in filler guys on defense. So, they said, \u201cLepine, go in at nose guard.\u201d So, the nose guard is right over the center. He\u2019s lined up against our first-string center, Bob Barge, and he was a big fellow. I look up at him and he looks up at me and he just starts to laugh seeing me across the-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013Noooo<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013Yes he does. And I looked at him and I said, \u201cBarge, you don\u2019t hit me and I won\u2019t hit you, okay? [Laughter] It\u2019s just practice.\u201d And they said, \u201cSnap.\u201d The quarterback snapped the ball and I don\u2019t know what happened [Laughter] but the adrenaline shot off in me, I ran right over him, took him out and sacked the quarterback.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Really?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The coaches on the sideline were doubled over in laughter [Laughter] and they were yelling at Bob Barge saying, \u201cYou let Lepine run over you?\u201d And so the next play, when I lined up at center against Bob Barge [Laughter] he just looked up at me and snarled, and I knew it was not going to go well for me on the next play.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013it was over - Well as you thought about best practices for marriage, let\u2019s talk about some of those.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: In the book Build a Stronger Marriage, I spent most of the book talking about how you identify the problem spots that most often come up in a marriage relationship, superficial motivations for getting married. We get married for the wrong reasons with the wrong goal in mind. We get married with habits and patterns from our family of origin or from traumas we\u2019ve been through or from guilt and shame that we bring in. We have conflict that we\u2019ve got to know how to work through. Once we\u2019ve taken care of some of that messiness, then the question is, \u201cHow do we make something really great?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What are the things that you can do, not just so you can have a functional marriage, but you have the kind of marriage that everybody would look at and go, \u201cThat\u2019s what I want.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And I realized that it\u2019s not just cleaning up the mess that makes that happen. But you\u2019ve got to be intentional about building some things into a marriage that are actually going to set it apart. I learned from observing couples for decades. Those marriages that you would look at and say, \u201cThese are exemplary marriages.\u201d These are the ones that you would look at and go, \u201cIf what I see in public is true in private, that\u2019s what I want. That\u2019s what I want for my kids.\u201d Those marriages had some things in common, and so I just started cataloging them.<\/p>\n<p>Dealing with sin issues, forgiveness, we\u2019ve talked about that already. That\u2019s one of those best practices. But another one that I\u2019ve found is we have to have the right kind of love in marriage and the right approach to love in marriage. Most of us have an orientation on love that has been more formed by pop songs and movies on the Hallmark Channel [Laughter] than by what the Bible has to say about love.<\/p>\n<p>I started thinking about this on a continuum. You know when it comes to money some people are thrifty with their money and some people are generous with their money, right? They\u2019re on a continuum. And in fact, often thrifty people marry generous people or generous people marry thrifty people and that can be a source of conflict. But if you put it on a scale, and over on the one far side of the scale you had somebody who is not thrifty but tight, you know cheap, miserly -<\/p>\n<p>Ann: My husband [Laughter] yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Did she just say that?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You are way better, but you used to be<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013but hangs on to a dollar right?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013Yes frugal.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s on one side and then maybe somebody, somebody who\u2019s thrifty and then maybe somebody in the middle who\u2019s, who\u2019s moderate, you know then over on the other side you\u2019ve got somebody who is generous. But then on the far side of that is somebody who\u2019s extravagant.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I might be in both of those ends, poor Dave.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: -generous and extravagant sides? We would look at extravagance when it comes to money and say, \u201cThere might be an appropriate time to be extravagant, but you shouldn\u2019t be that all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, you\u2019ve got to be wise. You only have so much money, so you\u2019ve got to know how to steward it well. When it comes to love, love is different than money because it\u2019s not a case of we\u2019ve only have so much love so we\u2019ve got to be thrifty with it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: No, we have an abundance of love coming into our lives, poured out from the Father so 1 John 3 says, \u201cBehold what manner of love the Father has lavished on us,\u201d so we have this love that\u2019s been lavished on us that is now in our account. So instead of in marriage saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to be thrifty with my love for you. I\u2019m going to be\u2013I\u2019m going to manage it well. [Laughter] No. We should be extravagant in our love toward one another. I watched couples in marriage where they were extravagantly expressing their love for one another, and you could just see the delight that was there.<\/p>\n<p>One of the people who\u2013where it stands out, and it\u2019s interesting that I\u2019m sitting here talking with you guys about this. On the same property that Bill Bright found years ago, the headquarters for Cru\u00ae. For those that don\u2019t know the name Bill Bright, he was the founder and president of what was then Campus Crusade for Christ, it\u2019s now Cru, and Dr. Bright and his wife Vonnette, they shared with us many times on FamilyLife Today about some of the real challenges that they had in their marriage. But I remember Vonnette talking about how when Bill would come home, and she\u2019d be in their apartment, they had a condo in Orlando, and he\u2019d open the door and he would shout out, \u201cWhere is my beloved? Where is my, my sweetheart?\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cGag,\u201d [Laughter] you know it just didn\u2019t\u2013I mean it just sounds over the top, but there\u2019s something really sweet - there\u2019s something really special about that generous display of love and affection.<\/p>\n<p>And think about Song of Solomon, where the two lovers are calling out to one another, delighting in one another, and expressing that in all sorts of manners. The best marriages are where husbands and wives are generous and extravagant in expressing their love for one another. They don\u2019t try to be thrifty. Sometimes I think a spouse will say, \u201cWell, if I\u2019m too approving, if I tell him I love him then maybe he\u2019ll think he\u2019s, he doesn\u2019t need to get any better.\u201d Right?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, if I approve of this he\u2019s going to think he\u2019s\u2013no. No, when somebody is expressing their extravagant love for you, that's the person you want to be. You want to step into that more and more.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But Bob, what about the people that just aren\u2019t like that? You know they\u2019re not expressive in their love? Or, what about the people that just don\u2019t feel it?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes, so I would say, if you don\u2019t feel it then you need to go back and you need to explore and examine what it is to be loved by God. And as you think on and meditate on God\u2019s love for you and let that just swell up in your heart, it will start to flow out of you. Your feelings for other people will start to pour out as you meditate on God\u2019s love for you. And you may be uncomfortable. Again, if you grew up in a family where you just didn\u2019t say, \u201cI love you,\u201d you didn\u2019t express it very often, or you were afraid if you said it the other person was going to think, \u201cNow I don\u2019t need to change at all because look at how much they love me.\u201d You just need to get over that-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013and you just need to start practicing it. You need to start working out that muscle and start verbalizing it and say it over and over again and practice it. Go to your spouse tonight and say, \u201cYou know, I recognize I\u2019ve been kind of stingy with expressing love for you, so I\u2019m going to start setting the alarm on my clock five times a day and I\u2019m going to either text you or call you, or if I\u2019m with you I\u2019m going to say, \u201cI love you,\u201d every time the alarm goes off. Right? You need to start cultivating that habit because again, think about God. Does God ever say, \u201cWell, I\u2019m not feeling it right now,\u201d [Laughter] or \u201cI am just not good at expressing it.\u201d No. God demonstrates His love for us. God shows His love for us, and we\u2019re to be imitators of God in doing that for others. I think the issue is what if you feel that, \u201cWell, my spouse just doesn\u2019t deserve it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And that\u2019s where you have to go, let\u2019s go back to God.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: We are recipients of His love. Do we deserve it?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And so, find those things where you can express appreciation, where you can affirm, but where you can say, \u201cMy love for you is not conditional on your performance. My love for you is because God\u2019s poured love into me, I love you. I\u2019m choosing to love you, and I want you to know that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think we can all recall a person that loved us extravagantly. I mean maybe some people can\u2019t, but I can remember my grandmother. Whenever she would greet me, she would hug me and my parents never hugged or kissed-<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013and never told us they loved us so my grandmother would see us. She would kiss me on the lips and hug me so tight and that marked me.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember having a Detroit Lions Bible study and Yvonne always hosted it at her house. And when she hosted every single wife and woman walked in the door, she hugged them and kissed them on the cheek. It was extravagant like, \u201cI\u2019m so glad you\u2019re here.\u201d And at the end of that year, I remember so many people saying, \u201cI came because Yvonne made me feel so loved. I didn\u2019t want to stay away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I think it\u2019s something you\u2019ve got to work on.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yep.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me too.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s interesting. I was reading your book about extravagant love. I'm expecting an extravagant illustration, like something, oh it\u2019s so big I\u2019ll never be able to measure up to Bob Lepine. And the story you tell is when you\u2019re with those couples and you ask about a romantic moment in your marriage and Mary Ann says, \u201cWhat\u2013I mean this is not extravagant,\u201d but it made her feel loved.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The question is \u201cWhat\u2019s something romantic your spouse has done for you lately that made you feel loved?\u201d And I kept thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s she going to answer?\u201d I mean I\u2013I couldn\u2019t think of anything I\u2019d done recently. [Laughter] And she said, \u201cWell the other night I was doing the dishes and Bob was watching TV and without me saying anything he got up and turned off the TV and came in and grabbed a dish towel and started drying the dishes.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>And I said, \u201cThey wanted something romantic; they wanted something extravagant.\u201d And she said, \u201cI felt so loved when you did that.\u201d She said, \u201cIt just\u2013\u201d and now she thinks every time I pick up a dish towel that I think that\u2019s something on my mind, right? [Laughter] But, but it\u2019s just those little accumulations of things, it\u2019s the practicing of \u201clet\u2019s not be stingy with our love for one another, let\u2019s express it to one another and let\u2019s make that the habit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean you wrote a whole book on 1 Corinthians 13<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013Love Like You Mean It, a whole video series based on it-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013which is so good<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013that\u2019s extravagant love, right?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, it is and it\u2019s different than our conception of love. Love is patient, it\u2019s kind. It\u2019s that whole passage that walks us through what love is and what love isn\u2019t. I think we need to grow in our understanding of love and then we need to not just understand it better, but we need to be people who start implementing it and start living it out. You know some of you, it\u2019s been years since you verbally said to your spouse, \u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, what\u2019s up with that? You may need to go to your spouse and say, \u201cYou know I haven\u2019t told you this in a\u2013and I haven\u2019t said it often enough. And I want to be different about that. I want you to know that I love you. And you matter to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know a husband or a wife, who hearing that from their spouse today would go, \u201cCan you just tone it down a little bit?\u201d you know; or \u201cDo we have to talk about this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013or even a child.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Exactly<\/p>\n<p>Dave: What if mom or dad said that?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, I think what we do is we pull back when we feel like our spouse doesn\u2019t deserve it.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And so, we don\u2019t give it. But I love what you said, \u201cOur Heavenly Father, regardless of what we\u2019ve done, continues to pour out extravagant love on us.\u201d And so that could be a worship moment, where you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t feel like they deserve it but God I\u2019m going to demonstrate love unconditionally just as you have for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And tied to it one of the other best practices I talk about in the book is the practice of enthusiastic encouragement.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was going to ask you about it because it sounds like it\u2019s how it lives it out.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There really is a connection between it but honestly if\u2013when I think about people that I\u2019ve known in life who are enthusiastic encouragers, Ann Wilson comes to mind [Laughter] as one of those people.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was wondering if you were going to say that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Aww<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, she is, she\u2019s incredible.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I\u2019ve seen this modeled in your life. You are affirming and you believe in folks and maybe you understand how life giving that is to those folks. Maybe that\u2019s part of why you do it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: But in a marriage relationship, when we are cheering one another on, that is life giving. I think of our mutual friend Robin McKelvy. Robin and Ray speak at the Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaways with us. Robin made the statement, she was a cheerleader in high school. And she said our team was a pretty stinky team. She said they\u2019d be down by three or four touchdowns in the fourth quarter and we\u2019re still on the sidelines saying, \u201cYou\u2019ve got it. You can win it,\u201d and leading the crowd in cheers. It's obvious they\u2019re going to lose and we\u2019re still cheering for them.<\/p>\n<p>She said, \u201cWhen I got married, I realized I\u2019d traded in my wedding dress for a cheerleading uniform. And now, no matter how my team, my husband, our family is performing, my job is to say, \u2018We can do this. Come on.\u2019\u201d We can cheer you on and we can point out all of the encouraging things that you are doing and help you grow into it.<\/p>\n<p>I can take you to the place on the campus of the University of Tulsa, inside the front door of KWGS radio, the very first radio station where I worked a regular shift as a student in college. And I was doing Tuesday nights from nine until one in the morning. I don\u2019t think there was anybody in town listening. [Laughter] I was picking whatever records I wanted to play. I was just having a great time. It was fun. I think Mary Ann listened on occasion. I would occasionally do a little shout out to her, but I was just playing records and being a DJ.<\/p>\n<p>One day I walked into the radio station and the station manager who was a professor, Gary Chew said, \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s Bob Lepine.\u201d He said, \u201cYou\u2019re doing\u2013what shift are you doing?\u201d I said, \u201cTuesday nights nine to eleven.\u201d He goes, \u201cYeah,\u201d and then he said this. He said, \u201cWhere did you work before you worked here?\u201d And I said, \u201cThis is my first place to work.\u201d He went, \u201cHuh, really? Well, you sound good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s it. [Laughter] It could be that I did radio for the next 40 years because Gary Chew said, \u201cYou sound good.\u201d There was something so life giving to me about that where somebody said, \u201cYou can do this. You\u2019ve got something here.\u201d That\u2013that was a powerful profound moment. I ran cross-country when I was in high school. You look at me now and you, \u201cNo you didn\u2019t.\u201d [Laughter] But there was a time, and I didn\u2019t do it because I wanted to. The track coach said, \u201cRun cross-country, it\u2019s good conditioning.\u201d So, I did. Our cross-country track was a figure eight track. So you started in the middle, you\u2019d run a loop and then you\u2019d come back by the starting gate and you\u2019d run a second loop and then you\u2019d finish at the same place that you started. That\u2019s how you did the cross-country loop. So you\u2019d start and there\u2019s a group that there, the cheerleaders are there cheering you on. \u201cGo,\u201d so I\u2019d get out of the blocks quick and then I\u2019d get about halfway around that first loop and I\u2019d be dogging it and I\u2019d be, \u201cI hate this,\u201d I knew I wasn\u2019t going to win. I knew that.<\/p>\n<p>Then as I started coming back toward where the crowd was and I could hear the cheerleaders saying, \u201cThere\u2019s Bob. Come on Bob!\u201d I\u2019d pick up the pace. [Laughter] I\u2019d go a little faster. I\u2019d run through and I\u2019d be panting, and I\u2019d get to the other side of that -I\u2019m out of sight I\u2019d start to dog it again alright. But when I\u2019m coming back to the finish line, and I could hear them I\u2019d pick up the pace again because they\u2019re cheering me. We\u2019re like that in life.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: When we\u2019re cheering one another on, when we\u2019re going, \u201cYou can do this. Come on. You\u2019re doing great,\u201d we pick up the pace. It gives us extra energy. You\u2019ve seen this Dave. You work with people making millions of dollars as professional football players, and they would come out in the middle of a game, and it would be a tense situation and they\u2019d look at the crowd and they\u2019d take their hands up and they\u2019d motion to the crowd cheer for us.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, we need it<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And I\u2019m going-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013so motivating.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013wait, wait you\u2019re getting paid [Laughter] a million dollars to do this and you need the crowd cheering for you in order to make this play work? But the player goes, \u201cWhen I\u2019m hearing them cheering for me, there\u2019s a little extra energy. There\u2019s a little extra boost.\u201d I look at all of that and say, if in marriage, I was an enthusiastic encourager, I was the one going, \u201cYou know you\u2019re great at this. This is one of the things you do better than anybody else. I so admire this about you. You\u2019re so good.\u201d That wind beneath the wings of another person that just gives life to them. And in the best marriages, the marriages that thrive and go the distance, that kind of encouragement is happening all the time.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Bob Lepine on FamilyLife Today. Dave and Ann have some final takeaways on the importance of practicing encouragement, that\u2019s going to be in just a minute.<\/p>\n<p>But first Bob has written a book called Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness. You can get a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800, \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word TODAY. Also last year we did two other interviews with Bob on this book. You can hear them by searching for FamilyLife Today wherever you get your podcasts and then look for Build a Stronger Marriage with Bob Lepine. Or you can check today\u2019s show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.<br \/>\nAlright let me pause right here and thank all of our FamilyLife partners because without your continued dedication, this donor supported ministry wouldn\u2019t exist. We wholeheartedly appreciate you. And a few have yet to join us. We\u2019d love it if you\u2019d consider partnering with us today. When you do, we\u2019re going to send you a copy of Rachel Faulkner Brown\u2019s book called His Name Our Hope in Grief.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel was a guest with us earlier this week, and if you want to help more people benefit from conversations like the one you heard today, you can partner with us at FamilyLifeToday.com and when you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Rachel\u2019s book His Name Our Hope in Grief. Again, you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or give us a call at 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800, \u2018F\u2019 as in family, \u2018L\u2019 as in life and then the word TODAY. And feel free to drop us a line. You can reach us at snail mail at FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Okay, here\u2019s Dave and Ann on the importance of practicing encouragement.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ve said this many times on this program when Ann went from a boo-er, you know<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013uh huh<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013she was booing me, to a cheer-er, \u201cI believe good things in you, I see good things in you. You\u2019re a good husband. You\u2019re a good man.\u201d It changed me. Just like you running that thing. It\u2019s like, \u201cWow. I\u2019m going to be a better husband.\u201d So when you comment and say, \u201cAnn is an enthusiastic encourager,\u201d she wasn\u2019t-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013but she is\u2013I mean it\u2019s something that you can build, you can learn. You can cultivate\u2013I mean there are times I\u2019m like, \u201cCan you just get in the car?\u201d She\u2019s over there talking to some stranger [Laughter] and she\u2019s just telling them how amazing they are, and you can see this woman lighting up, because probably no one has said these things.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013and Ann is just being the voice of God in some ways, and we get to do that in our marriage so you talk about best practices in marriage is practice that\u2019s a huge one<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think that we\u2019re living in a culture but we feel beaten down-<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013or weary, or tired. When we can breathe life into someone else and see the goodness that God put in them and to cheer someone on, it really does. And Dave I feel like you do that too.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So here she\u2019s doing it again Bob. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But I mean honestly, I think that we all have the capability of doing that. But you do that to me all the time. But Bob, I think that Dave and I both want to thank you-<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013because you\u2019ve seen things in Dave and I that we have never seen in ourselves. You\u2019ve coached us, you\u2019ve mentored us, and you\u2019ve done that for listeners over 20 some years. And I think a lot of them would say, \u201cI\u2019m at a place where I am spiritually because I\u2019ve listened to Bob Lepine\u2013<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013at FamilyLife Today.\u201d Thank you. You\u2019ve changed so many of us.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Thank you guys.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Now coming up next week Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be joined by author and podcaster Annie Downs. You can join Annie on her 100 day journey into prioritizing fun into your life. We\u2019re going to talk about that next week. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<br \/>\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. 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you avoid what's beneath your marital conflict\u2026it'll probably keep happening. Former FamilyLife Today cohost Bob Lepine helps you get to what gets you.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-creator\/bob-lepine\/\">Find more books by Bob on our shop<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/?orderby=date\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<br \/>\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Marital Conflict What's Underneath Yours<\/p>\n<p>Guest: Bob Lepine<br \/>\nFrom the series: A Stronger Marriage: How to Have One (Day 2 of 2)<br \/>\nAir date: April 28, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s something really sweet.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There\u2019s something really special about that generous display of love and affection. Think about Song of Solomon, where the two lovers are calling out to one another, and delighting in one another, and expressing that in all sorts of manners. The best marriages are where husbands and wives are generous and extravagant in expressing their love for one another.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLife.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: This is FamilyLife<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, you were a world renowned gymnast [Laughter] that nobody ever heard about.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was not.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, I mean you were stinking good [Laughter] and you don\u2019t like me saying this, but you had an Olympic coach looking at you when you were a young girl, telling your dad you had what it took to get all the way to the Olympics. Honestly, I am so glad you didn\u2019t go that route. [Laughter] Because we would have never gotten married. But as you think about, you know, the ability and the heart, and the practices that you went through to become a top-notch gymnast, what comes to your mind?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hard work [Laughter] Like - because we have a granddaughter that\u2019s in gymnastics now and I\u2013<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013We got to watch her the other day<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013It was just awesome.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013She was really amazing.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013and I, can I say? She was the best in the gym. [Laughter] I don\u2019t know how anybody else couldn\u2019t see that but no question.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But the thing that I hated the most about practice, and we practiced every single day, was\u2013except Sunday, was that we did 500 pushups and 500 sit-ups every single day.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And you were how old?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was\u2013I started at eight. And so we had to put into practice things that were grueling in order to make it to the next level.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So we\u2019ve got in the studio a \u201cbest practices guy.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013That\u2019s a good way to say it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: If our listeners, like, who could this be? They already heard him laugh, so they probably recognize the voice, but Bob Lepine is back at FamilyLife Today. Welcome back Bob. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Great to be here with you guys, thank you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, one of the reasons that we bring up this idea of best practices in your latest book, Build a Stronger Marriage at the back of the book, sort of toward the end you said, \u201cWhat are the best practices for a marriage?\u201d Do you have any athletic stories of best practices that [Laughter] like Ann does?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Or you were in a band<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So I was in a band, but you brought up athletics. So I played on a ninth grade football team.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I want to hear about this. This is a pretty classic story.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So we went \u20180\u2019 and \u20185\u2019 in our season. [Laughter] I was the third string fullback on an \u20180\u2019 and \u20185\u2019 team. [Laughter] So that tells you a little bit about my athletic prowess playing football. There was one day at practice where, you know, they were running the first team offense and they were just throwing in filler guys on defense. So, they said, \u201cLepine, go in at nose guard.\u201d So, the nose guard is right over the center. He\u2019s lined up against our first-string center, Bob Barge, and he was a big fellow. I look up at him and he looks up at me and he just starts to laugh seeing me across the-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013Noooo<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013Yes he does. And I looked at him and I said, \u201cBarge, you don\u2019t hit me and I won\u2019t hit you, okay? [Laughter] It\u2019s just practice.\u201d And they said, \u201cSnap.\u201d The quarterback snapped the ball and I don\u2019t know what happened [Laughter] but the adrenaline shot off in me, I ran right over him, took him out and sacked the quarterback.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Really?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The coaches on the sideline were doubled over in laughter [Laughter] and they were yelling at Bob Barge saying, \u201cYou let Lepine run over you?\u201d And so the next play, when I lined up at center against Bob Barge [Laughter] he just looked up at me and snarled, and I knew it was not going to go well for me on the next play.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013it was over - Well as you thought about best practices for marriage, let\u2019s talk about some of those.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: In the book Build a Stronger Marriage, I spent most of the book talking about how you identify the problem spots that most often come up in a marriage relationship, superficial motivations for getting married. We get married for the wrong reasons with the wrong goal in mind. We get married with habits and patterns from our family of origin or from traumas we\u2019ve been through or from guilt and shame that we bring in. We have conflict that we\u2019ve got to know how to work through. Once we\u2019ve taken care of some of that messiness, then the question is, \u201cHow do we make something really great?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: What are the things that you can do, not just so you can have a functional marriage, but you have the kind of marriage that everybody would look at and go, \u201cThat\u2019s what I want.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And I realized that it\u2019s not just cleaning up the mess that makes that happen. But you\u2019ve got to be intentional about building some things into a marriage that are actually going to set it apart. I learned from observing couples for decades. Those marriages that you would look at and say, \u201cThese are exemplary marriages.\u201d These are the ones that you would look at and go, \u201cIf what I see in public is true in private, that\u2019s what I want. That\u2019s what I want for my kids.\u201d Those marriages had some things in common, and so I just started cataloging them.<\/p>\n<p>Dealing with sin issues, forgiveness, we\u2019ve talked about that already. That\u2019s one of those best practices. But another one that I\u2019ve found is we have to have the right kind of love in marriage and the right approach to love in marriage. Most of us have an orientation on love that has been more formed by pop songs and movies on the Hallmark Channel [Laughter] than by what the Bible has to say about love.<\/p>\n<p>I started thinking about this on a continuum. You know when it comes to money some people are thrifty with their money and some people are generous with their money, right? They\u2019re on a continuum. And in fact, often thrifty people marry generous people or generous people marry thrifty people and that can be a source of conflict. But if you put it on a scale, and over on the one far side of the scale you had somebody who is not thrifty but tight, you know cheap, miserly -<\/p>\n<p>Ann: My husband [Laughter] yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Did she just say that?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You are way better, but you used to be<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013but hangs on to a dollar right?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013Yes frugal.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: That\u2019s on one side and then maybe somebody, somebody who\u2019s thrifty and then maybe somebody in the middle who\u2019s, who\u2019s moderate, you know then over on the other side you\u2019ve got somebody who is generous. But then on the far side of that is somebody who\u2019s extravagant.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I might be in both of those ends, poor Dave.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: -generous and extravagant sides? We would look at extravagance when it comes to money and say, \u201cThere might be an appropriate time to be extravagant, but you shouldn\u2019t be that all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, you\u2019ve got to be wise. You only have so much money, so you\u2019ve got to know how to steward it well. When it comes to love, love is different than money because it\u2019s not a case of we\u2019ve only have so much love so we\u2019ve got to be thrifty with it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: No, we have an abundance of love coming into our lives, poured out from the Father so 1 John 3 says, \u201cBehold what manner of love the Father has lavished on us,\u201d so we have this love that\u2019s been lavished on us that is now in our account. So instead of in marriage saying, \u201cI\u2019m going to be thrifty with my love for you. I\u2019m going to be\u2013I\u2019m going to manage it well. [Laughter] No. We should be extravagant in our love toward one another. I watched couples in marriage where they were extravagantly expressing their love for one another, and you could just see the delight that was there.<\/p>\n<p>One of the people who\u2013where it stands out, and it\u2019s interesting that I\u2019m sitting here talking with you guys about this. On the same property that Bill Bright found years ago, the headquarters for Cru\u00ae. For those that don\u2019t know the name Bill Bright, he was the founder and president of what was then Campus Crusade for Christ, it\u2019s now Cru, and Dr. Bright and his wife Vonnette, they shared with us many times on FamilyLife Today about some of the real challenges that they had in their marriage. But I remember Vonnette talking about how when Bill would come home, and she\u2019d be in their apartment, they had a condo in Orlando, and he\u2019d open the door and he would shout out, \u201cWhere is my beloved? Where is my, my sweetheart?\u201d And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cGag,\u201d [Laughter] you know it just didn\u2019t\u2013I mean it just sounds over the top, but there\u2019s something really sweet - there\u2019s something really special about that generous display of love and affection.<\/p>\n<p>And think about Song of Solomon, where the two lovers are calling out to one another, delighting in one another, and expressing that in all sorts of manners. The best marriages are where husbands and wives are generous and extravagant in expressing their love for one another. They don\u2019t try to be thrifty. Sometimes I think a spouse will say, \u201cWell, if I\u2019m too approving, if I tell him I love him then maybe he\u2019ll think he\u2019s, he doesn\u2019t need to get any better.\u201d Right?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Bob: So, if I approve of this he\u2019s going to think he\u2019s\u2013no. No, when somebody is expressing their extravagant love for you, that's the person you want to be. You want to step into that more and more.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But Bob, what about the people that just aren\u2019t like that? You know they\u2019re not expressive in their love? Or, what about the people that just don\u2019t feel it?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes, so I would say, if you don\u2019t feel it then you need to go back and you need to explore and examine what it is to be loved by God. And as you think on and meditate on God\u2019s love for you and let that just swell up in your heart, it will start to flow out of you. Your feelings for other people will start to pour out as you meditate on God\u2019s love for you. And you may be uncomfortable. Again, if you grew up in a family where you just didn\u2019t say, \u201cI love you,\u201d you didn\u2019t express it very often, or you were afraid if you said it the other person was going to think, \u201cNow I don\u2019t need to change at all because look at how much they love me.\u201d You just need to get over that-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013and you just need to start practicing it. You need to start working out that muscle and start verbalizing it and say it over and over again and practice it. Go to your spouse tonight and say, \u201cYou know, I recognize I\u2019ve been kind of stingy with expressing love for you, so I\u2019m going to start setting the alarm on my clock five times a day and I\u2019m going to either text you or call you, or if I\u2019m with you I\u2019m going to say, \u201cI love you,\u201d every time the alarm goes off. Right? You need to start cultivating that habit because again, think about God. Does God ever say, \u201cWell, I\u2019m not feeling it right now,\u201d [Laughter] or \u201cI am just not good at expressing it.\u201d No. God demonstrates His love for us. God shows His love for us, and we\u2019re to be imitators of God in doing that for others. I think the issue is what if you feel that, \u201cWell, my spouse just doesn\u2019t deserve it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And that\u2019s where you have to go, let\u2019s go back to God.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: We are recipients of His love. Do we deserve it?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And so, find those things where you can express appreciation, where you can affirm, but where you can say, \u201cMy love for you is not conditional on your performance. My love for you is because God\u2019s poured love into me, I love you. I\u2019m choosing to love you, and I want you to know that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think we can all recall a person that loved us extravagantly. I mean maybe some people can\u2019t, but I can remember my grandmother. Whenever she would greet me, she would hug me and my parents never hugged or kissed-<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Hmm<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013and never told us they loved us so my grandmother would see us. She would kiss me on the lips and hug me so tight and that marked me.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I remember having a Detroit Lions Bible study and Yvonne always hosted it at her house. And when she hosted every single wife and woman walked in the door, she hugged them and kissed them on the cheek. It was extravagant like, \u201cI\u2019m so glad you\u2019re here.\u201d And at the end of that year, I remember so many people saying, \u201cI came because Yvonne made me feel so loved. I didn\u2019t want to stay away.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I think it\u2019s something you\u2019ve got to work on.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yep.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me too.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s interesting. I was reading your book about extravagant love. I'm expecting an extravagant illustration, like something, oh it\u2019s so big I\u2019ll never be able to measure up to Bob Lepine. And the story you tell is when you\u2019re with those couples and you ask about a romantic moment in your marriage and Mary Ann says, \u201cWhat\u2013I mean this is not extravagant,\u201d but it made her feel loved.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: The question is \u201cWhat\u2019s something romantic your spouse has done for you lately that made you feel loved?\u201d And I kept thinking, \u201cWhat\u2019s she going to answer?\u201d I mean I\u2013I couldn\u2019t think of anything I\u2019d done recently. [Laughter] And she said, \u201cWell the other night I was doing the dishes and Bob was watching TV and without me saying anything he got up and turned off the TV and came in and grabbed a dish towel and started drying the dishes.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>And I said, \u201cThey wanted something romantic; they wanted something extravagant.\u201d And she said, \u201cI felt so loved when you did that.\u201d She said, \u201cIt just\u2013\u201d and now she thinks every time I pick up a dish towel that I think that\u2019s something on my mind, right? [Laughter] But, but it\u2019s just those little accumulations of things, it\u2019s the practicing of \u201clet\u2019s not be stingy with our love for one another, let\u2019s express it to one another and let\u2019s make that the habit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean you wrote a whole book on 1 Corinthians 13<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013Love Like You Mean It, a whole video series based on it-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013which is so good<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013that\u2019s extravagant love, right?<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Well, it is and it\u2019s different than our conception of love. Love is patient, it\u2019s kind. It\u2019s that whole passage that walks us through what love is and what love isn\u2019t. I think we need to grow in our understanding of love and then we need to not just understand it better, but we need to be people who start implementing it and start living it out. You know some of you, it\u2019s been years since you verbally said to your spouse, \u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I mean, what\u2019s up with that? You may need to go to your spouse and say, \u201cYou know I haven\u2019t told you this in a\u2013and I haven\u2019t said it often enough. And I want to be different about that. I want you to know that I love you. And you matter to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know a husband or a wife, who hearing that from their spouse today would go, \u201cCan you just tone it down a little bit?\u201d you know; or \u201cDo we have to talk about this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013or even a child.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Exactly<\/p>\n<p>Dave: What if mom or dad said that?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, I think what we do is we pull back when we feel like our spouse doesn\u2019t deserve it.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And so, we don\u2019t give it. But I love what you said, \u201cOur Heavenly Father, regardless of what we\u2019ve done, continues to pour out extravagant love on us.\u201d And so that could be a worship moment, where you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t feel like they deserve it but God I\u2019m going to demonstrate love unconditionally just as you have for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And tied to it one of the other best practices I talk about in the book is the practice of enthusiastic encouragement.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was going to ask you about it because it sounds like it\u2019s how it lives it out.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: There really is a connection between it but honestly if\u2013when I think about people that I\u2019ve known in life who are enthusiastic encouragers, Ann Wilson comes to mind [Laughter] as one of those people.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I was wondering if you were going to say that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Aww<\/p>\n<p>Dave: She is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, she is, she\u2019s incredible.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: I\u2019ve seen this modeled in your life. You are affirming and you believe in folks and maybe you understand how life giving that is to those folks. Maybe that\u2019s part of why you do it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: But in a marriage relationship, when we are cheering one another on, that is life giving. I think of our mutual friend Robin McKelvy. Robin and Ray speak at the Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaways with us. Robin made the statement, she was a cheerleader in high school. And she said our team was a pretty stinky team. She said they\u2019d be down by three or four touchdowns in the fourth quarter and we\u2019re still on the sidelines saying, \u201cYou\u2019ve got it. You can win it,\u201d and leading the crowd in cheers. It's obvious they\u2019re going to lose and we\u2019re still cheering for them.<\/p>\n<p>She said, \u201cWhen I got married, I realized I\u2019d traded in my wedding dress for a cheerleading uniform. And now, no matter how my team, my husband, our family is performing, my job is to say, \u2018We can do this. Come on.\u2019\u201d We can cheer you on and we can point out all of the encouraging things that you are doing and help you grow into it.<\/p>\n<p>I can take you to the place on the campus of the University of Tulsa, inside the front door of KWGS radio, the very first radio station where I worked a regular shift as a student in college. And I was doing Tuesday nights from nine until one in the morning. I don\u2019t think there was anybody in town listening. [Laughter] I was picking whatever records I wanted to play. I was just having a great time. It was fun. I think Mary Ann listened on occasion. I would occasionally do a little shout out to her, but I was just playing records and being a DJ.<\/p>\n<p>One day I walked into the radio station and the station manager who was a professor, Gary Chew said, \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d I said, \u201cIt\u2019s Bob Lepine.\u201d He said, \u201cYou\u2019re doing\u2013what shift are you doing?\u201d I said, \u201cTuesday nights nine to eleven.\u201d He goes, \u201cYeah,\u201d and then he said this. He said, \u201cWhere did you work before you worked here?\u201d And I said, \u201cThis is my first place to work.\u201d He went, \u201cHuh, really? Well, you sound good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s it. [Laughter] It could be that I did radio for the next 40 years because Gary Chew said, \u201cYou sound good.\u201d There was something so life giving to me about that where somebody said, \u201cYou can do this. You\u2019ve got something here.\u201d That\u2013that was a powerful profound moment. I ran cross-country when I was in high school. You look at me now and you, \u201cNo you didn\u2019t.\u201d [Laughter] But there was a time, and I didn\u2019t do it because I wanted to. The track coach said, \u201cRun cross-country, it\u2019s good conditioning.\u201d So, I did. Our cross-country track was a figure eight track. So you started in the middle, you\u2019d run a loop and then you\u2019d come back by the starting gate and you\u2019d run a second loop and then you\u2019d finish at the same place that you started. That\u2019s how you did the cross-country loop. So you\u2019d start and there\u2019s a group that there, the cheerleaders are there cheering you on. \u201cGo,\u201d so I\u2019d get out of the blocks quick and then I\u2019d get about halfway around that first loop and I\u2019d be dogging it and I\u2019d be, \u201cI hate this,\u201d I knew I wasn\u2019t going to win. I knew that.<\/p>\n<p>Then as I started coming back toward where the crowd was and I could hear the cheerleaders saying, \u201cThere\u2019s Bob. Come on Bob!\u201d I\u2019d pick up the pace. [Laughter] I\u2019d go a little faster. I\u2019d run through and I\u2019d be panting, and I\u2019d get to the other side of that -I\u2019m out of sight I\u2019d start to dog it again alright. But when I\u2019m coming back to the finish line, and I could hear them I\u2019d pick up the pace again because they\u2019re cheering me. We\u2019re like that in life.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Bob: When we\u2019re cheering one another on, when we\u2019re going, \u201cYou can do this. Come on. You\u2019re doing great,\u201d we pick up the pace. It gives us extra energy. You\u2019ve seen this Dave. You work with people making millions of dollars as professional football players, and they would come out in the middle of a game, and it would be a tense situation and they\u2019d look at the crowd and they\u2019d take their hands up and they\u2019d motion to the crowd cheer for us.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, we need it<\/p>\n<p>Bob: And I\u2019m going-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013so motivating.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013wait, wait you\u2019re getting paid [Laughter] a million dollars to do this and you need the crowd cheering for you in order to make this play work? But the player goes, \u201cWhen I\u2019m hearing them cheering for me, there\u2019s a little extra energy. There\u2019s a little extra boost.\u201d I look at all of that and say, if in marriage, I was an enthusiastic encourager, I was the one going, \u201cYou know you\u2019re great at this. This is one of the things you do better than anybody else. I so admire this about you. You\u2019re so good.\u201d That wind beneath the wings of another person that just gives life to them. And in the best marriages, the marriages that thrive and go the distance, that kind of encouragement is happening all the time.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Bob Lepine on FamilyLife Today. Dave and Ann have some final takeaways on the importance of practicing encouragement, that\u2019s going to be in just a minute.<\/p>\n<p>But first Bob has written a book called Build a Stronger Marriage: The Path to Oneness. You can get a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800, \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word TODAY. Also last year we did two other interviews with Bob on this book. You can hear them by searching for FamilyLife Today wherever you get your podcasts and then look for Build a Stronger Marriage with Bob Lepine. Or you can check today\u2019s show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.<br \/>\nAlright let me pause right here and thank all of our FamilyLife partners because without your continued dedication, this donor supported ministry wouldn\u2019t exist. We wholeheartedly appreciate you. And a few have yet to join us. We\u2019d love it if you\u2019d consider partnering with us today. When you do, we\u2019re going to send you a copy of Rachel Faulkner Brown\u2019s book called His Name Our Hope in Grief.<\/p>\n<p>Rachel was a guest with us earlier this week, and if you want to help more people benefit from conversations like the one you heard today, you can partner with us at FamilyLifeToday.com and when you do, we\u2019ll send you a copy of Rachel\u2019s book His Name Our Hope in Grief. Again, you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or give us a call at 800-358-6329. That\u2019s 800, \u2018F\u2019 as in family, \u2018L\u2019 as in life and then the word TODAY. And feel free to drop us a line. You can reach us at snail mail at FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Okay, here\u2019s Dave and Ann on the importance of practicing encouragement.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ve said this many times on this program when Ann went from a boo-er, you know<\/p>\n<p>Bob: \u2013uh huh<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013she was booing me, to a cheer-er, \u201cI believe good things in you, I see good things in you. You\u2019re a good husband. You\u2019re a good man.\u201d It changed me. Just like you running that thing. It\u2019s like, \u201cWow. I\u2019m going to be a better husband.\u201d So when you comment and say, \u201cAnn is an enthusiastic encourager,\u201d she wasn\u2019t-<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013hmm<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013but she is\u2013I mean it\u2019s something that you can build, you can learn. You can cultivate\u2013I mean there are times I\u2019m like, \u201cCan you just get in the car?\u201d She\u2019s over there talking to some stranger [Laughter] and she\u2019s just telling them how amazing they are, and you can see this woman lighting up, because probably no one has said these things.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2013and Ann is just being the voice of God in some ways, and we get to do that in our marriage so you talk about best practices in marriage is practice that\u2019s a huge one<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think that we\u2019re living in a culture but we feel beaten down-<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013or weary, or tired. When we can breathe life into someone else and see the goodness that God put in them and to cheer someone on, it really does. And Dave I feel like you do that too.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So here she\u2019s doing it again Bob. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But I mean honestly, I think that we all have the capability of doing that. But you do that to me all the time. But Bob, I think that Dave and I both want to thank you-<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013because you\u2019ve seen things in Dave and I that we have never seen in ourselves. You\u2019ve coached us, you\u2019ve mentored us, and you\u2019ve done that for listeners over 20 some years. And I think a lot of them would say, \u201cI\u2019m at a place where I am spiritually because I\u2019ve listened to Bob Lepine\u2013<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2013at FamilyLife Today.\u201d Thank you. You\u2019ve changed so many of us.<\/p>\n<p>Bob: Thank you guys.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Now coming up next week Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be joined by author and podcaster Annie Downs. You can join Annie on her 100 day journey into prioritizing fun into your life. We\u2019re going to talk about that next week. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<br \/>\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. 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