{"id":280479,"date":"2023-08-07T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-07T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas\/"},"modified":"2025-05-07T10:48:21","modified_gmt":"2025-05-07T14:48:21","slug":"raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas\/","title":{"rendered":"Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys: David Thomas"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s it take to raise emotionally strong boys? Veteran counselor David Thomas knows males typically aren&#8217;t equipped with skills to name and navigate their experience\u2014and the fallout is grave. Thomas lays out strategies to equip boys for a powerful present and future.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><em fetchpriority=\"high\"><strong>Developmental theorists would say most girls finish adolescence somewhere around 19 to 20. They would say, for boys, it\u2019s 22 to 25. &#8212; David Thomas<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s it take to raise emotionally strong boys? Veteran counselor David Thomas knows males typically aren&#8217;t equipped with skills to name and navigate their experience\u2014and the fallout is grave. Thomas lays out strategies to equip boys for a powerful pre&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/7b878a1b-fbdc-4346-af9b-b154011e20ae\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:57","filesize":"26.54M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-08-07 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2280],"podcast_series":[8658],"cwp_profile":[9072],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280479","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-emotionally-healthy-boys","podcast_series-raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas","cwp_profile-david-thomas","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280479\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280479\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"VQ66ygAztB\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas\/\">Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys: David Thomas<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas\/embed\/#?secret=VQ66ygAztB\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys: David Thomas&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"VQ66ygAztB\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What's it take to raise emotionally strong boys? Veteran counselor David Thomas knows males typically aren't equipped with skills to name and navigate their experience\u2014and the fallout is grave. Thomas lays out strategies to equip boys for a powerful pre...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Connect with David Thomas at <a href=\"https:\/\/quinaaragon.com\/\">christianparenting.org<\/a> and read the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.christianparenting.org\/articles\/the-three-rs-for-raising-emotionally-healthy-boys\/\">The three Rs for Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys.<\/a><br \/>\nAnd grab David's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/raising-emotionally-strong-boys-tools-your-son-can-build-on-for-life\/\">Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys<\/a>\u00a0in our shop.<br \/>\nIntrigued by today's episode? Think deeper about shaping emotionally mature kids in <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-passing-on-healthy-habits-for-kids\/\">Parenting: Passing On Healthy Habits for Kids.<\/a><br \/>\nGrab 25% off all FamilyLife's small-group studies at\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/group-studies\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"http:\/\/Find%20resources%20from%20this%20podcast%20at%20shop.familylife.com.\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-08-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys<\/p>\n<p>Guest:David Thomas<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 7, 2023<\/p>\n<p>David: Developmental theorists would say most girls finish adolescence somewhere around 19 to 20. They would say, for boys, it\u2019s 22 to 25.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: This is FamilyLife\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019m sitting here with a mom of boys! You are, I think, the greatest mother of boys. Of course, I might be a little biased.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think you\u2019re very biased!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: But you were fantastic as a mom of boys!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s easy to say that looking back, you know? Because when I was in the midst of it, I felt like I was failing miserably.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019m just telling you, I\u2019m just your husband, and I\u2019m not biased at all. [Laughter] I mean, even this weekend, watching you with our grandsons, you walk in and light up a boy\u2019s life! You understand boys like I\u2019ve never seen.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Aww, thanks.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, I\u2019ve got one question for you, because we\u2019re going to talk about raising boys today; emotionally healthy boys. What would you say is the most important advice you could give a mom? [Laughter] or a dad?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I mean, the first thought\u2014and this is crazy\u2014that comes to my mind is embrace the physical chaos. That\u2019s the first thing. It feels like chaos with little boys, because they just don\u2019t sit very often, and they\u2019re physical, and they\u2019re loud. So, as a mom, if you\u2019re trying to get a house that\u2019s quiet and in order, you\u2019re going to be super frustrated! [Laughter] Because it\u2019s pretty chaotic with little boys, in a good way, and it can be really draining physically.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve got the expert in the studio. You\u2019re not a boy mom; you\u2019re a boy dad and a father of a daughter as well: David Thomas. It\u2019s your first time ever on FamilyLife Today, I think?<\/p>\n<p>David: I am so grateful to be here with the two of you. It makes sense to me why you would have said what you just said, and that\u2019s been my experience so far with you.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: David!<\/p>\n<p>David: [You\u2019re] a really intentional mother of boys. It\u2019s been fun to hear you tell stories.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re so nice! That means a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You know, I can tell already you\u2019re a counselor. You can just tell by the way you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He\u2019s empathetic!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You have been encouraging to us. Tell our listeners what you do sort of every single day of your life, and for how many years?<\/p>\n<p>David: 25 years now.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: 25 years.<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes! I have been the Director of Family Counseling at an amazing place in Nashville, TN called Daystar Counseling Ministries [Website: daystarcounseling.com] . The whole focus for us is the pediatric population, so we work just with kids, adolescents, and families.<\/p>\n<p>Out of that work, I have written some books and had some incredible opportunities just to travel around the country and talk about different aspects of parenting. I\u2019m super-grateful those opportunities led me to be with the two of you today sharing conversation.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s so sweet.<\/p>\n<p>David: So, thank you for having me.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The book we\u2019re going to talk about today [is] Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And let\u2019s just let our listeners know that David had twin boys.<\/p>\n<p>David: We went to our ultrasound for our second pregnancy\u2014we got pregnant a year later, and we were incredibly grateful, and went for the ultrasound as you do. We walked in the door and said to the technician, \u201cOkay, we\u2019re really old school. We don\u2019t want to know what we\u2019re having.\u201d Y\u2019all, I can still remember where I was standing in that room as the technician looked up, and she said, \u201cI see two heads.\u201d I remember thinking, \u201cWhy are you smiling if the baby has two heads?\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Nothing about that looked or sounded right to me! [Laughter] I was genuinely that shocked! I said to the technician at that point, \u201cOkay, actually, change of plans, we do need to know, since we\u2019re so far behind. I\u2019m going to lie down next to my wife, and then you tell us what we\u2019re having.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Did you?<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes! I laid down on the bed next to her in the middle of this ultrasound. [Laughter] And she said, \u201cTwo boys.\u201d We are still recovering from that news, 20 years later. [Laughter] So, [I\u2019m the] father of a daughter and twin sons. I don\u2019t know if the two of you would say this has been true in your life, but I\u2019m sure, for me, that those three human beings have been the greatest teachers of my life.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>David: I\u2019ve had some incredible teachers and mentors in my life that I\u2019m thankful for, but I have learned more from being a student of those three people than I have in any other relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think though, David, what you said is true: I used to think, \u201cOh, I can\u2019t wait! God has chosen me to be their parent, because I\u2019m going to instill this knowledge and this wealth of spiritual maturity to my children.\u201d And then, I got along the road, and it was like, \u201cOh! This isn\u2019t about my children\u2014about changing them\u2014as much as it is this whole process changing me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s making me see my flaws; it\u2019s making me see my weaknesses; it\u2019s making me depend on God.<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And so, having boys, and having had a girl first, were they different?<\/p>\n<p>David: Oh, my goodness, were they different! [Laughter] And not even just having a girl, but a first-born girl. And that is not to say that every first-born girl meets the criteria of a first-born, but it is to say a lot do, which is to mean that my daughter, like a lot of first-born girls, is conscientious; she\u2019s a rule-follower. I could run down a long list of things that are true about her that stay true; that were not as true\u2014<\/p>\n<p>In fact, you know ,maybe my best example of this would be, when she was a Senior in high school, she was in the middle of applying for scholarships to college, applying to colleges, and applying for scholarships, she would come home and say things repeatedly to my wife and I like, \u201cHey, I just want to let you both know that I applied for this scholarship today. I\u2019ll hear back in two weeks.\u201d We didn\u2019t even know that scholarship existed, you know? [Laughter] We certainly didn\u2019t know the deadlines.<\/p>\n<p>She applied to more colleges than I knew. And my sons are amazing, and they brought very incredible strengths to that process, but it looked different. Their strengths are different. And they were maybe even greater because of her \u201cfirst-bornness.\u201d I\u2019ll make up that word! [Laughter] That has made the entire journey look different.<\/p>\n<p>So, it was such a learning curve, not only to jump from girls to boys, but obviously, one to three.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, yes!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: You know, my daughter was not two when my sons were born.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Were you a therapist at that time?<\/p>\n<p>David: I was.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And so, you had tools going in\u2014<\/p>\n<p>David: In my head, I had those tools. [Laughter] Every therapist who\u2019s transparent and honest will say to you, \u201cAll of what you know\u201d\u2014and my wife\u2019s a teacher, and she\u2019d say the same\u2014\u201cAll of what works with other kids\u201d (in terms of our vocations)\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: \u2014\u201cdoes not always work with your own.\u201d You get humbled in a remarkable way to learn that this book knowledge, this thing I\u2019m communicating to parents, doesn\u2019t always work the way I\u2019d like it to work in my own home. So, it\u2019s part of where they\u2019ve been these great teachers. Humbling me, and I think, even allowing me, hopefully, over the course of my work, to be present with parents in a different way, because I understand the reality that the three of us know: you can do so many of the right things, and you can read all the right books and listen to the right podcasts\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: \u2014and things [can] just be really hard and not go as planned. Knowing that God is creating opportunities, as you beautifully said, for our growth [and] for our transformation as much as for our kids.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Talk about, you know, as a therapist and as a dad, the differences between a daughter and a son. And I know they\u2019re unique to every\u2014there are generalities that don\u2019t cross over; you know that better than anybody\u2014but there are differences!<\/p>\n<p>David: There are.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And you wrote about raising emotionally strong boys. So, I want to get there in a second: why emotionally strong, because a lot of people would think, \u201cJust raise strong boys.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: But talk a little bit about differences.<\/p>\n<p>David: Well, I think one is the very thing you\u2019re pointing to, which is just so wise to highlight on the front side, is their energy is different.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: We know that early on, girls have advanced abilities to regulate themselves differently than boys. It\u2019s why they have more physicality to who they are as people in this world, and even to their emotional experience. That\u2019s something I talk about in the book: that research would show us that toddler-aged boys are more prone, in a classroom, biting, hitting, kicking, screaming, throwing. It\u2019s that need for release that exists in him that is different in a lot of girls. It\u2019s why a lot of adolescent boys are prone to punching holes in drywall. I don\u2019t hear that story about girls as often.<\/p>\n<p>It's not to say it can\u2019t happen, but it is to say that energy, that physicality, that intensity is something that we have to work to create\u2014in the book I call it\u2014\u201chealthy outward movement.\u201d Otherwise, it will come out, but it may not be healthy; or boys will turn inward on themselves, and neither of those is a helpful, healthy direction. So, to your great question, I think it starts with understanding their energy, and then kind of placing that in the context of their emotionality.<\/p>\n<p>The other thing that I would say is, you know, pediatricians would report that at 16-18-month well visits, most girls are saying around 100 words; most boys are saying around 30. So, if her general vocabulary is larger, it makes sense that her emotional vocabulary would be larger as well. So, we\u2019re going to have to labor longer with boys to help them develop a more full, expansive, emotional vocabulary.<\/p>\n<p>So, I love that you asked that question right out of the gate, because it simply means we always want to be thinking about these unique, God-given strengths that exist, that make their hardwiring different, or we could simply miss a lot of opportunities. We could simply place expectations on our sons that aren\u2019t helpful for them.<\/p>\n<p>Can I throw out one last one?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Sure!<\/p>\n<p>David: Developmental theorists would say most girls finish adolescence somewhere around 19 to 20. They would say, for boys, it\u2019s 22 to 25! That\u2019s significant! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s significant!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Do you know why Ann\u2019s laughing right now? Because she married me at 22! I know that laugh. It was like, \u201cI married an adolescent.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it was sort of like I was not mature yet.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I\u2019m laughing though, because we had one of our sons say, \u201cI don\u2019t think I was emotionally mature until I was 25.\u201d For him to say that now, as a thirty-some-year-old! He\u2019s like, \u201cI don\u2019t think I even knew who I was!\u201d It felt like he said, \u201cMy wife knew exactly who she was and how to respond emotionally.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: I love his transparency! I think a lot of adult males can say that. Your reality was my reality. I was 24 when we got engaged and 25 when we got married. I remember my wife came to a class I taught on boy development at one point. I shared that reality that I just shared. On the drive home, I said, \u201cSweetheart, you married an adolescent.\u201d She said, \u201cI know.\u201d [Laughter] It's no surprise to her!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: They knew long before we did!<\/p>\n<p>David: Long before we did! Absolutely. So, I think, if we are embracing that kind of wisdom, and knowing that to be true, that God designed us to finish out adolescence in different times, then it allows us to accurately place the finish line at 25 for boys. Now, he might get there a little bit earlier, but somewhere in that 22-25 space, as opposed to, you know, I think we launch boys out into the world sometimes around 17, 18, 19, saying, \u201cGo be a grownup.\u201d And he could have a good eight years of adolescence left.<\/p>\n<p>So, it\u2019s where, you know\u2014in some previous work I\u2019ve written on boys, I talk about how intentional I want to encourage parents to be with the summers of a boy\u2019s college years. I think there\u2019s so much learning that happens in the classroom between 18 and 22, but I think the summers of those years [that] I want boys working. I want them doing internships and practicums and missions experiences, where there is so much growth and learning happening to honor their development and all of the growth that still needs to be taking place in that time that I think is as pivotal as whatever kind of learning that\u2019s happening in the classroom as well.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And you want them doing those kinds of things in the summer versus what?<\/p>\n<p>David: Nothing, which is where I think a lot of boys, sadly, in this day and age more than ever, are going to land. I have a section in the new book about how often I sit with boys who say, \u201cI just want to chill summer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: And if I drill down on that, I know what that always means. \u201cI don\u2019t want a bedtime; I don\u2019t want a wake time; I don\u2019t want any expectations; I don\u2019t want any chores; I don\u2019t want a summer job; I don\u2019t want a schedule. I want unlimited screen time.\u201d There\u2019s a lot of ways that I think boys would define a \u201cchill summer.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: Because they aren\u2019t self-actualized enough to structure that time well for themselves, they need us to help them structure it. Again, honoring development; my sons need that differently than my daughter needed that. They\u2019re 20. Where she was at 20 looked very different, because I understand development, than where they are right now.<\/p>\n<p>All of the ways that I think that might help us think; for example, you know, I sit with a lot of families who would say to me, \u201cDavid, I think my son might benefit from a gap year. I think it could be helpful for him to do some work for a year before he goes to college and have a better understanding of the value of money, a better understanding of the value of education, and so many things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s not a right decision for every boy, but I\u2019m not surprised when it\u2019s a right decision for more boys than girls. I don\u2019t sit with as many parents of girls who would see evidence. That\u2019s not to say girls don\u2019t benefit from that; there are some who do. But again, we are really looking at all of what\u2019s true about growth and development and these differences we\u2019re discussing, I think it would mean we would make some different decisions on behalf of the amazing sons that we love, to honor their development.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes; well, let\u2019s talk \u201cemotionally strong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: I would love to.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Because, even in your title, as I picked up your book, I thought, \u201cWhat does that look like? How does that work?\u201d I remember (and I\u2019ve shared this here before)\u2014you know I have three sons. Steve, whom we started a church together with, had three daughters.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I can\u2019t believe you\u2019re sharing this!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, this was fascinating. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Fascinating or bad?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ll see! Steve knows this story. They were visiting, and we were jumping into our minivan. I remember two of their daughters, ten or eleven years old, probably\u20149, 10, 11\u2014started talking about who wants to sit in the captain\u2019s seats behind me. They were arguing about, \u201cNo, I want the seat. I want the seat!\u201d And I got frustrated. I\u2019m embarrassed to say this! I turned around, David, and I said, \u201cJust punch her in the arm, and take the seat!\u201d [Laughter] Because I had never in my life heard two boys communicate! They just pushed each other out of the way and grabbed a seat, and that\u2019s how life went!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is why God gave us sons and not daughters! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, there are two questions there: one is, there\u2019s a sense that they were more emotionally healthy than boys were at that time. But I\u2019m setting you up for a later question: here\u2019s a dad who\u2019s not emotionally healthy; how is an immature, emotionally unhealthy dad going to raise emotionally healthy boys or daughters?<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019ll save that one, but talk about this: what do you mean by \u201cemotionally strong?\u201d Help us, as parents, understand what you were trying to do. What does that look like?<\/p>\n<p>David: I think it\u2019s a boy\u2019s ability\u2014a male\u2019s ability\u2014to name and navigate his experience.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Hmm.<\/p>\n<p>David: So, to understand what I\u2019m feeling and what to do with it. As simple as that sounds, the three of us know we\u2019re living in a world where, I would argue, the higher percentage of males don\u2019t know how to name and navigate their experience.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I one hundred percent agree!<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When you said that, I was thinking [that for] most men, even now at 40, 50, or 60 years old, I think, it\u2019s really difficult. I\u2019m not saying I know if women can or not, but I know, as a guy, that\u2019s not easy.<\/p>\n<p>David: It\u2019s not; and I think it\u2019s a part of why adult men in this world lead some of the scariest statistics that are out there. We as males lead the stats for infidelity, internet pornography, substance abuse, and suicide. If you think about just those four, the common denominator being \u2013 it is a male\u2019s attempt to try to numb out or avoid whatever it is that he\u2019s feeling. \u201cI can\u2019t name it, I can\u2019t navigate it, so I want to figure out how to shut it down in some way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The stats are higher for girls, adolescent females, and adult women to struggle with anxiety and depression, and yet more males die by suicide. It\u2019s connected to that reality that we don\u2019t know how to recognize the struggle, and we don\u2019t know how to ask well for help.<\/p>\n<p>I came across this fascinating data as I was doing the research for this book, even on the number of women\u2014adult women\u2014who go every year for their well visit with their doctor versus men. It\u2019s like we just don\u2019t attend to our health: our physical health, our emotional health, and often our spiritual health. We don\u2019t know how to ask for help when we\u2019re struggling in any of those categories, whereas you, as women, often do. And even the way you do relationships. I have a whole section in the book on the strength of connection.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: The way you build relationships; the ways you are transparent, often in relationships. And again, hear me say, there are women who don\u2019t know how to do that well, and there are men who do. But, generally speaking, I come across more men who don\u2019t. You know, in 25 years of doing this work, I commonly sit with families, unfortunately, who are in the middle of one of those categories I named: husbands who\u2019ve been unfaithful in their marriage, husbands who are in the throes of addiction. And I have, for over two decades, sat in the residual of what that looks like in marriages and in kids. I want to, on my watch, just say that I knew to do everything I could possibly think to do to be a preventionist in this work.<\/p>\n<p>You know, I spend a lot of my days as an interventionist, helping families on the other side of these struggles, and it\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, how much more could I be talking about what we could be doing with boys on the front side of development, and be doing with adolescent boys in the middle of development, and be doing with adult men even farther down the road in development, to be developing in these ways to change those statistics?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>A mom I met a couple of weeks ago\u2014I wrote a workbook for elementary-aged boys to go with this book, Raising Emotionally Strong Boys.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s sitting right here.<\/p>\n<p>David: And it\u2019s called Strong and Smart. The mom said to me, \u201cDavid, I bought your workbook for my seven-year-old son, but I\u2019m mostly using it with my 37 year-old husband.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>And I said, \u201cThat\u2019s fair! You use it with whatever age male is in your household!\u201d Because the thing that I say in the front of the book and that I want folks to hear me say so strongly right now is, it\u2019s never too late. It's never too late!<\/p>\n<p>It turns out you can teach an old dog new tricks. It turns out we can learn new things. And I have another seven-year-old boy who\u2019s doing the workbook with his grandfather. When he told me that story, y\u2019all, I almost wept. The thought of a little seven-year-old boy doing this with his grandfather in his sixties, and that they\u2019re learning these things together \u2013 it overwhelms me! It overwhelms me on so many levels: one, I think about what that grandfather\u2019s last seasons of marriage might look like differently if he could name and navigate his experience, too.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: The gift of this little boy getting to sit front-row to one of the men he trusts the most in this world, doing this work in front of him! I just think that\u2019s what I hope can happen for so many dads is that they can allow the boys they love sitting front-row and watching what it looks like to learn new skills, and how that impacts relationships.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, we have so much more to talk about!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We do! But David, I wish I had had this book with our young boys. Don\u2019t you, Dave?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And Dave, I thought it was so humble of you to say, \u201cI wasn\u2019t an emotionally strong man!\u201d That is so humble of you to say that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Can we [redact] hat from the broadcast?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: No, it\u2019s definitely true. And the sad thing is, I didn\u2019t know it. And I think most men\u2014and women\u2014if they\u2019re there, don\u2019t know it when they\u2019re in it. What you just said: I\u2019m in my sixties, and you know what? It\u2019s not over! I can continue to grow emotionally strong.<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Even with grown men now, who are my sons (and with my daughters-in-law). And I hope that\u2019s an encouragement to any man and moms listening right now, wherever you are. What you just said, David, it\u2019s that you\u2019re still alive. You can still grow!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And God\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You may need to go back and say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: To your sons, who are grown men now. I\u2019ve had to do [it] and say, \u201cI didn\u2019t know what I didn\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cI didn\u2019t do it with malicious intent, but I failed in many ways. I\u2019m sorry. Can we go forward from here?\u201d And hopefully, there\u2019s forgiveness there, and you can move forward.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I love what Dave was talking about there at the end. It is never too late to change and ask the Spirit of God to be that change-agent in your life.<\/p>\n<p>You know, you might be thinking, \u201cIt\u2019s impossible for me to change! I\u2019ve been stuck in a rut for way too long. I\u2019ve been doing the things I\u2019ve been doing for way too long.\u201d Don\u2019t believe that lie! If you have God\u2019s Spirit inside of you, you have the power that raised Christ from the dead! Trust me, you can change. Just have the posture of, \u201cGod, have mercy on me, a sinner.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with David Thomas on FamilyLife Today. David has written a book called Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life. This is a great book that sheds light on, really, common emotional struggles, including anger, anxiety, and depression, that can be so prevalent in boys. He goes after it; he tackles it; and as you\u2019ve just heard, he has lots of great, God-centered solutions for us.<\/p>\n<p>You can pick up a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, one of the things that I struggle with as a dad is being able to teach my kids lessons, but also be able to have fun at the same time. You know when you try to sneak a little bit of spinach into their fruit smoothie so they don\u2019t even actually know what you\u2019re doing? Well, you can do that with this new resource called Ferret Flush. It\u2019s a fun card game that you can play with your family that will teach them important life skills and emotionally healthy skills, but you\u2019ll do it in a fun way. You can do that as a family.<\/p>\n<p>So, that game, along with the FamilyLife Art of Parenting\u00ae course, which is a video course to help you learn how to instill character, discipline, great relationships, and healthy identity in your kids. Both of those resources are going to be our \u201cthank you\u201d to you when you partner with us financially here at FamilyLife. You can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and make your donation, or again, you can give us a call at 800-358-6329; that\u2019s 800-F as in \u201cfamily,\u201d L as in \u201clife,\u201d and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop your donation in the mail to us. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Now, coming up tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are back again with David Thomas. He\u2019s going to talk to us about the oh-so-tricky topic of conversation related to gender dynamics. Raising boys and raising girls are very different things. He\u2019ll unpack that for us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280479","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280479"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280479"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280479"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280479"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280479"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280479"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280479"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}