{"id":280468,"date":"2023-08-18T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-18T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas\/"},"modified":"2025-05-07T10:46:51","modified_gmt":"2025-05-07T14:46:51","slug":"is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Your Home Emotionally Unhealthy? 5 Signs: David Thomas"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If your home was emotionally unhealthy, would you know it? Counselor David Thomas offers 5 ways to identify dysfunction in your own home\u2014and constructive responses to choose instead for a lifetime of better relationships.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><em fetchpriority=\"high\"><strong>Research tells us that in the face of failure boys are more likely to point the finger outward and blame someone else [and] girls are more likely to blame themselves. I see evidence of that, not just with kids, but with adults. I can\u2019t tell you how often I sit with moms in my office whose kids are struggling in some way who will say, \u201cTell me what I\u2019m doing wrong.\u201d &#8212; David Thomas<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If your home was emotionally unhealthy, would you know it? Counselor David Thomas offers 5 ways to identify dysfunction in your own home\u2014and constructive responses to choose instead for a lifetime of better relationships. Research tells us that in the f&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/5d293182-7399-408d-9d1c-b154011e0627\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:29:09","filesize":"26.73M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-08-18 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2269],"podcast_series":[8658],"cwp_profile":[9072],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280468","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-emotionally-unhealthy","podcast_series-raising-emotionally-healthy-boys-david-thomas","cwp_profile-david-thomas","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280468\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280468\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"8gFNu25nyP\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas\/\">Is Your Home Emotionally Unhealthy? 5 Signs: David Thomas<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/is-your-home-emotionally-unhealthy-5-signs-david-thomas\/embed\/#?secret=8gFNu25nyP\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Is Your Home Emotionally Unhealthy? 5 Signs: David Thomas&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"8gFNu25nyP\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"If your home was emotionally unhealthy, would you know it? Counselor David Thomas offers 5 ways to identify dysfunction in your own home\u2014and constructive responses to choose instead for a lifetime of better relationships. Research tells us that in the f...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Connect with David Thomas at <a href=\"https:\/\/quinaaragon.com\/\">christianparenting.org<\/a> and read the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.christianparenting.org\/articles\/the-three-rs-for-raising-emotionally-healthy-boys\/\">The three Rs for Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys.<\/a><br \/>\nAnd grab David's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/raising-emotionally-strong-boys-tools-your-son-can-build-on-for-life\/\">Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys<\/a>\u00a0in our shop.<br \/>\nIntrigued by today's episode? Think deeper about shaping emotionally mature kids in <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-passing-on-healthy-habits-for-kids\/\">Parenting: Passing On Healthy Habits for Kids.<\/a><br \/>\nGrab 25% off all FamilyLife's small-group studies at\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/group-studies\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-08-18.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Is Your Home Emotionally Unhealthy? 5 Signs<\/p>\n<p>Guest:David Thomas<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Is Your Home Emotionally Unhealthy? (Day 2 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 18, 2023<\/p>\n<p>David: Research tells us that in the face of failure boys are more likely to point the finger outward and blame someone else [and] girls are more likely to blame themselves. I see evidence of that, not just with kids, but with adults. I can\u2019t tell you how often I sit with moms in my office whose kids are struggling in some way who will say, \u201cTell me what I\u2019m doing wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p>You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ll never forget the day sitting in seminary, and the teacher came in and said, \u201cHere are the kind of men that go into ministry.\u201d He reads this report, this study, this research had been done over decades. It basically said, \u201cthe most insecure, unhealthy emotionally men go into ministry,\u201d because ministry provides significance, the spotlight\u2019s on you. You\u2019re in the front of the room. Everybody\u2019s listening to what you\u2019re saying.<\/p>\n<p>I remember thinking, \u201cWow! These are loser-type guys.\u201d [Laughter] I don\u2019t know if you remember it, but I came home depressed. But I also said, \u201cMan, I\u2019m so glad I\u2019m not that guy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oops!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It wasn\u2019t for years until I realized I was that guy. [Laughter] I couldn\u2019t see it. I had a lot of unhealthy emotions that I could not process.<\/p>\n<p>With that as an introduction I thought, \u201cLet\u2019s talk about a home that\u2019s unhealthy. We brought the wisest counselor I can think of, David Thomas, back in.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: We love David.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Man, you are so wise.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So good.<\/p>\n<p>David: I\u2019m so happy to be back with you all.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You spent the last 25 years at Daystar Counselling in Nashville counseling families\/counseling kids. You\u2019re still doing that. We\u2019ve been talking about your book, Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, and the one before that, Wild Things.<\/p>\n<p>You see a lot of health and unhealth in homes. We thought today could be \u201cLet\u2019s Ask David to list the top five signs of an unhealthy home.\u201d You don\u2019t have to do all five. You can get three or four and we\u2019ll chime in. But as you think of signs we should be looking for that say, \u201cThis is unhealthy. The emotional health in this home is not good,\u201d What is the first one that comes to your mind.<\/p>\n<p>I talk in the book about what I call the Three Rs, which I\u2019ll name them and then we\u2019ll talk about where they fit within your question. It\u2019s \u201cRecognize, Regulate, and Repair.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Recognize: If I were just going to give a quick definition to each, recognize is like the dashboard on the car where it will signal you if your tires low or the tank if empty. I talk about how the dashboard on the car is the same as our bodies. Our bodies will signal us when we are carrying more stress than we need to be carrying for extended periods of time and how if I\u2019m carrying high levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, that may show up in some ways such as headaches or migraines or digestive issues or I carry a lot of tension in my back and neck, my body is going to cue me in the way my car will cue me.<\/p>\n<p>If I pay attention to those signs and signals and do what the car needs, the car keeps running. If I ignore those, I\u2019m going to end up on the side of the road. The first benchmark of an unhealthy home would be you don\u2019t pay attention to what you are feeling or what the people around you are feeling. We dismiss; we disconnect.<\/p>\n<p>There are all different directions that I think we move, and I think, even back to our earlier conversations, that happened for generations and generations. We didn\u2019t name the hard things that were happening in families believing \u201cIf we don\u2019t talk about it, it\u2019s not really reality,\u201d when in reality it made it worse because we didn\u2019t give it a name.<\/p>\n<p>What we know happens with kids in those moments is if no one names what\u2019s going on, kids internalize that and often move toward a sense of responsibility, which is why often the case of addiction, for example kids will work hard when no one names the problem of addiction to believe \u201cI need to be \u201cfill in the blank\u201d: a better student, more compliant, less loud.\u201d All the directions that kids go to try to keep a parent who is medicating with a substance from taking hold of the substance.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve even known kids who set alarms in the middle of the night and go into the refrigerator and dump out alcohol believing that would stop it. You see that sense of responsibility because we aren\u2019t naming what\u2019s going on, which starts with that first R - recognizing.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I\u2019m thinking, Dave, of you when you were seven and your little brother died; who was five and a half, so [you] were a year and a half apart. He died around Halloween. Let\u2019s just say this: Your family never talked about it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, never.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Never talked about it. You just ignored everything. Because your family, your mom and your dad were both alcoholics, you never talked about anything. But I remember your mom saying every single Halloween after Craig died, you got sick. It\u2019s like\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Literally got sick.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: --physically sick, but instead of recognizing that and thinking, \u201cWe should probably get help,\u201d nothing was ever done.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, that was my question when you were saying, \u201cUnhealthy homes don\u2019t recognize\u2026.\u201d How do you recognize what you can\u2019t recognize?<\/p>\n<p>David: One of the questions I ask early in the book is \u201cWho are your five people you go to - to ask for support.\u201d I think there\u2019s two layers to that. One, I need to know my five people and two, I need to know how to ask for help. It\u2019s important to go back to\u2014I love what you said in an earlier episode of \u201cAll we knew is what we knew at that point.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t want any grandparent listening to feel shame as you hear us tell that story. We believed we were helping kids when we didn\u2019t acknowledge those things, when in reality it was hurting that we weren\u2019t naming the hard things happening around us.<\/p>\n<p>I think it really does start with the understanding of how vital that is and that, back to what we talked about earlier, that internal pain always has an external presentation. I\u2019m fascinated by how much overachieving happens as a way of covering, and how many men I see in this world who are knocking it out of the park vocationally that I think are running from or erasing away from some pain.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That was what a counselor said to Dave. \u201cOh, wait. You\u2019re the quarterback, the point guard, the short stop. You\u2019ve won every award. You played college football. You had a scholarship.\u201d Didn\u2019t he say, \u201cWhat are you running from?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: He\u2014yes\u2014we don\u2019t need to go there. But he was literally looking at my life now and said, \u201cEvery job you had the spotlight is on you, whether it was on a stage or leading a Bible study or even\u2026.\u201d He said, \u201cGo home and answer this question: What are you running from?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I laughed; I said, \u201cWhat am I running from?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I came home and Ann said, \u201cOh, my goodness! I\u2019ve been saying that for 20 years.\u201d It was that not recognizing. Okay, so that\u2019s one sign.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I know but maybe we should even talk about take an assessment, ask your kids, think through; \u201cHow are they doing physically? Are they saying their stomachs are upset or they have headaches? Are they clenching their teeth so bad they break their teeth?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: That\u2019s so often how we identify anxiety early on with kids is they\u2019re having tummy aches. That\u2019s one of the first ways we can usually see an indicator light going off of some kind to that first R of recognize is that their body is presenting the worry in some way that they can\u2019t\u2019 name.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The first sign R is \u201crecognize.\u201d The second one is \u201cregulate.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: An unhealthy family would not regulate.<\/p>\n<p>David: Exactly. Back to even the anger we have talked some about. It\u2019s so present [that] it\u2019s either under the surface boiling at all times or it\u2019s flying all around the room or it\u2019s showing up, back to the internal\/external, through substance abuse or maybe it is a dad who is using internet pornography as a way to manage and contain the anger in some way. So, they haven\u2019t learned healthy coping skills.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s my definition for regulate is employing calming and coping strategies when the nervous system goes into a heightened state of arousal. I have these signs and signals going off and I\u2019ve got to figure out \u201cWhat do I need to employ to bring myself from stressed to settled or from chaos to calm?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Where that even connects back to kids taking responsibility is that when parents are dysregulating, kids can move into that exact same posture even if they never say it out loud that it is in some way their job to help the grownups around them feel less, \u201cfill in the blank\u201d: stress, anger, sadness.<\/p>\n<p>Since they Nashville shooting happened, I have never had so many kids in my office talk about how their parents are doing than any other time in 25 years of doing this work. They\u2019re so attune and aware because understandably every parent, whether you had a child in that school or just a child in another school in Nashville, parents in our city are carrying more fear, more worry right now than any other time because it\u2019s not just a story on the news somewhere else in the world. It happened in our city.<\/p>\n<p>I have had more kids say, \u201cMy mom feels really worried. My mom is not usually this sad.\u201d When parents don\u2019t know how to do the work of regulation, one, kids don\u2019t get an opportunity to sit front row and see what regulation looks like on the grownups they trust the most in this world, and two, they can start to take on some responsibility around that in ways that\u2019s not theirs to carry.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So how would we recognize that in our kids if they are taking on that responsibility? Because I\u2019m guessing you\u2019re busy as parents. You\u2019ve got a lot of demands on your life with work and school and activities. How would they start looking to see if their kids are doing that?<\/p>\n<p>David: I would first look for some of the physical signs. Are they reporting more tummy aches? Are they reporting more headaches? Are they having more difficulty with sleep? Or the other extreme: Are they overachieving? Are they over performing?<\/p>\n<p>Even kids who I feel like when their parents are really sad will over entertain. I had a parent tell me one time that they had lost a child and they noticed their firstborn child trying to be extra funny. It was almost like, \u201cI need to lift the heaviness by becoming a little bit of a comedian at the dinner table by making sure I make my parents laugh enough during the day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would watch for some of those indicator lights of where kids might be carrying more. Because we talk a lot at my work about how all behavior is communication of some kind. Even things that kids can\u2019t say or don\u2019t say, often we will see evidence of what is being said through their behavior in some way. Those would see some things to watch for.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We only got two done so far. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWow!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Those are so good.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I feel like there\u2019s so much to work on. The third R\u2014<\/p>\n<p>David: The third R is \u201crepair.\u201d That is taking ownership and doing any needed relational work. I would say the sign of an unhealthy home is when you can\u2019t take ownership; you can\u2019t clean up your side of the street; you can't do the work of apologizing.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s something that I\u2019ve heard both of you talk about doing with your adult sons at different points, which I think is necessary ingredients of all families because we are going to fumble the ball. We\u2019re going to lose our temper. We\u2019re not going to be present with our kids in the way that we want. We\u2019re not going to show up as to all of who we want to be.<\/p>\n<p>In those moments, we need to learn what it looks like to ask our kids for forgiveness. If we expect them to be people in relationship with their own kids who know how to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s interesting when you were talking, I thought, \u201cI\u2019ve got a fourth one and it starts with the letter R,\u201d but as you said \u201crepair\u201d I thought, \u201cIt the same thing.\u201d I was going to say, \u201cRefusal to repent.\u201d But it\u2019s really what you just said. And unhealthy home or an unhealthy person doesn\u2019t apologize, doesn\u2019t own their sin, doesn\u2019t own their mistakes. There\u2019s too much pride for them to ever go to their sons or daughters or their wife or their husband to say, \u201cI was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s really what you\u2019re talking about in repair. It\u2019s this repentant humility that\u2019s says, \u201cI need to do this.\u201d Probably is it something weekly, daily. It all depends I guess. But it\u2019s regular.<\/p>\n<p>David: It\u2019s regular.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s another R, I guess. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>David: It is, and I talk about how boys do a lot of swinging between blame and shame. Blame\u2014think about all the different ways this could show up with boys\u2014blame could look like, \u201cMy teacher didn\u2019t teach it the right way,\u201d \u201cMy sister made me mad,\u201d \u201cMy coach didn\u2019t give me enough playing time.\u201d Pointing the finger outward.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, I\u2019ll back up one step and say this: Research tells us that in the face of failure boys are more likely to point the finger outward and blame someone else [and] girls are more likely to blame themselves.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wow! I see that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s a male\/female difference.<\/p>\n<p>David: That is. I see evidence of that, not just with kids, but with adults. I can\u2019t tell you how often I sit with moms in my office whose kids are struggling in some way who will say, \u201cTell me what I\u2019m doing wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Absolutely.<\/p>\n<p>David: It\u2019s this assumption that \u201cIf my kids are struggling in any way, it must be something I\u2019m either doing or not doing enough of,\u201d where it just may be your kids are needing to do more skill development and it\u2019s not something you haven\u2019t done or aren\u2019t doing enough of. There just needs to be more practice.<\/p>\n<p>But I think that instinct can stay in place. I think for adult men, as well. I tell a story in the book of a dad whose son caught him in infidelity. He saw a picture on his dad\u2019s phone of his dad kissing another woman. He asked his dad about it.<\/p>\n<p>Listen to the blame within his dad\u2019s response. It\u2019s so subtle. But it\u2019s important. He said, \u201cI wish you hadn\u2019t found that.\u201d You hear that? Not, \u201cI wish I hadn\u2019t done that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think that tendency can carry on throughout growth and development unless we are developing that third R, and where I think it is impossible for kids to develop any of those three Rs unless they can see it in the grownups around them.<\/p>\n<p>Where I think kids have to see repentance modeled in order to know how to do that and to believe how foundational it is to all their relationships.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Alright, you\u2019ve got one?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I come from a very performance-oriented family, so I carry that into my parenting. I didn\u2019t even know that I was doing it when our kids were really little. But I would compare them to other kids. I would say things to them out loud. It\u2019s on video. Now they all watch it [saying], \u201cMom, how could you do this?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I remember one of our sons was trying to dribble and what did I say? \u201cYour cousin, Jess, can already dribble.\u201d Who says that as a parent?! I already carry that myself. I compare myself because that\u2019s just what we did as a family.<\/p>\n<p>But not only comparing our kids. We are in a culture right now where we are comparing ourselves to so many people that are invisible even on social media and so often we come up short.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t think I compare my kids to other kids outwardly, but I can still do that inwardly of thinking, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t my kids progressing? Why aren\u2019t my kids acting like these other kids? It must be me.\u201d I always turn it inward. I don\u2019t as much as I used to, but it\u2019s still can be that tendency, where it feels to me like Satan whispers in my ear, \u201cIt must be you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>God\u2019s doing a work in all of us. I think an unhealthy family is in constant comparison with their kids, themselves, the culture and that healthy side\u2014and I feel like we\u2019ve learned to do that later in life\u2014is we\u2019re seeing the beauty and uniqueness of each one of our kids and then we\u2019re speaking that to them.<\/p>\n<p>If they\u2019re not measuring up to anyone else, it doesn\u2019t matter because we don\u2019t want them to be anyone other than who God created them to be. Does that make sense?<\/p>\n<p>David: It not only makes sense; it\u2019s brilliant. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I love you! That\u2019s so nice.<\/p>\n<p>David: I think how often I\u2019m saying to myself the wisdom of those words. We all know: \u201cComparison is the thief of joy. Comparison is the thief of joy.a\u2019 I can feel myself getting more discontent\/more sad\/all of these things the more I camp out in that space.<\/p>\n<p>I love that you mentioned social media because I think we talk all the time with kids and adolescents about \u201cRemember it\u2019s just a highlight reel; it\u2019s just a highlight reel.\u201d And we can lose that ourselves. We\u2019re needing to say to ourselves out loud: \u201cWhatever I\u2019m seeing is about ten percent of what\u2019s going on.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>David: That\u2019s it. We forget and then we slide right into that place of comparison.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s a tool of the enemy because God is celebrating the uniqueness and the beauty of all of us all the time. Even as parents when we fail, He is still cheering us on. It\u2019s the gospel; it\u2019s grace that covers a multitude if sin.<\/p>\n<p>David: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s the goodness of Jesus giving us new life.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s yours, Dave? What\u2019s the fifth one?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Here is one that we have mentioned that I think is definitely a sign of unhealthy home: Unhealthy families don\u2019t talk. They hide; they stuff; they push down; they overachieve; they cope. But they don\u2019t talk. Healthy families talk.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know what to say. It would be\u2014if you want to use an R word\u2014it would be release, say out loud what you\u2019re feeling, what you\u2019re hiding, maybe the pain that you\u2019ve gone through.<\/p>\n<p>Ann mentioned it earlier. I grew up in a home where there was physical abuse; there was emotional abuse. Dad had girlfriends, left mom. Both parents drank, and then my brother died all in about a period of about 18 months, and we move. I\u2019m a little boy and we move from my home of origin to a whole other state because that\u2019s where my mom\u2019s parents were, and now she\u2019s a single mom in the 60\u2019s.<\/p>\n<p>Again, all that to say, the day my brother died my sister told me. She said, \u201cI came home from high school. A priest is walking out of our driveway and says to me, \u2018Your brother\u2019s dead,\u2019 and he leaves.\u201d Pam said\u2014my sister\u2014she said, \u201cI walked in the house. Mom never mentioned it. We never talked about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s the home that I grew up in. So, I thought it was normal that when you have pain, you stuff it away and you move on. That\u2019s how we dealt with it.<\/p>\n<p>When my dad came to visit Ann and me in our first year of marriage\u2014this is funny\u2014it\u2019s tragic, but it\u2019s funny\u2014he sat down after dinner and Ann said to him\u2014because she comes from a different home, a different, more healthy environment\u2014she said, \u201cRalph, I never heard your side of the divorce. Let\u2019s talk about\u2014I\u2019d like to hear your\u2014\u201d and I grabbed her under the table [as if to say],\u2019 What are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: He was squeezing my leg.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I grabbed her [as if to say], \u201cYou can\u2019t do that. We don\u2019t talk about that stuff.\u201d I was freaking out. My heart rate went over a hundred, I\u2019m sure.\u201d I was thinking, \u201cUh-Oh! Ohh!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>I thought, \u201cMy dad is going to be so mad. He\u2019s going to look at her and just\u2014\u201d I\u2019ll never forget my dad looked and said, \u201cYou want to hear my side? Nobody\u2019s ever asked me.\u201d We had this conversation and I sat there thinking, \u201cI knew none of this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Again, I was being exposed to \u201cHealthy families talk.\u201d True?<\/p>\n<p>David: So true. Can I say two things to that that I am so stuck by? To hear you name all of those ingredients that were a part of the earliest chapters of your life and to think about who you are and what you do. What a beautiful picture of \u201cWhat the enemy intended for harm, God intended for good.\u201d This should not have been your story. The redemptive rescue. That\u2019s extraordinary to think about who you are as a man and the work you are doing in this world. That\u2019s just incredible.<\/p>\n<p>And to hear you tell that story that God would call you into relationship with this remarkable woman who that would be her instinct to ask that question in the earliest moments [and] to think about all the healing that would come through that relationship, too. I am so struck by the kindness of God when I sit with people in their stories and when I sit in my own story. There is no other explanation, no other explanation, but the kindness and the goodness and the faithfulness of God. I feel it so strongly as you were sharing that, and I want to reflect that back to you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I would add when you say that I think there\u2019s some listening who think, That\u2019s your story. It can never be my story.\u201d Yes, it can. Even David when you say that you know what I\u2019m thinking. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cBut God.\u201d This does not happen. \u201cBut that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.\u201d Then we receive that, and we repent.<\/p>\n<p>We already used that word when we say, \u201cI can\u2019t do this on my own. Jesus, I\u2019m surrendering my life to You.\u201d He meets you there and He turns these tragic stories into something\u2014it isn\u2019t just that He meets us in our pain [but] He then says, \u201cI want to transform your pain and then I want to use you to meet others in their pain.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I would add, Dave, if you haven\u2019t talked to God lately, I would encourage you to tell Him the things that you struggle with, the pain that you\u2019re feeling, the feelings that you\u2019re having about your family or your kids. Tell Him everything, because He cares for you, He loves you; He loves your kids, and He wants to make a difference in your life. He\u2019s right there; just talk to Him.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Yes, hurt people, hurt people. But I\u2019ve also found that transformed people, transform people. You could be the person God uses to transform another life right within your own home.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with David Thomas on FamilyLife Today. Dave has written an important book called Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Tools Your Son Can Build on for Life. You can find copies of David\u2019s book at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can call us at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, the number is 800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know August is a unique time to partner with us financially here at FamilyLife. When you give all this month, we\u2019re going to send you as our thank you, FamilyLife\u2019s Art of Parenting\u00ae online video course, along with a fun card game called Ferret Flush\u2122 that you can play with your family to get to know them better and be intentional around the kitchen table. So you can discover effective parenting strategies through the in-depth Art of Parenting course and play a fun game at the same time.<\/p>\n<p>Those two resources are going to be our thank you to you when you make a donation now at FamilyLifeToday.com or call us at 800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d Or feel free to drop us a donation in the mail. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832.<\/p>\n<p>Coming up next week Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be joined by Crystal Payne, also known as the time-saving mom. She\u2019s going to give us a guide to managing time and simplifying life for busy moms. That\u2019s next week. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280468","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280468"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280468"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280468"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280468"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280468"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280468"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280468"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}