{"id":280457,"date":"2023-08-28T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-08-28T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell\/"},"modified":"2025-05-06T17:01:42","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T21:01:42","slug":"stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell\/","title":{"rendered":"Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes: Ron Deal, Gayla Grace &#038; Kara Powell"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Identity, belonging: They&#8217;re burning questions in any teen. How can you feed these in your teen, so their transitions between vastly different stepfamily homes mean they grow stronger, more resilient, and grounded in Jesus Christ? Author Kara Powell discusses the needs of teens in stepfamilies with Gayla Grace and Ron Deal.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><em fetchpriority=\"high\"><strong>There\u2019s 50 different answers, at least, that we could glean from Scripture about who God says we are. But one that we think is really important for young people to know today is that Jesus makes them enough. In the midst of trying to satisfy all these expectations and feeling like they don\u2019t cross that bar\u2014the single word \u201cenough\u201d\u2014that Jesus makes you enough. In fact, Jesus makes you more than enough. &#8212; Kara Powell<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Identity, belonging: They&#8217;re burning questions in any teen. How can you feed these in your teen, so their transitions between vastly different stepfamily homes mean they grow stronger, more resilient, and grounded in Jesus Christ? Author Kara Powell discu&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/f175f89c-5019-4bd3-a9c5-b154011def5d\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:51","filesize":"22.79M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-08-28 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2264],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[3586,3095,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280457","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-stepfamily-teens","cwp_profile-gayla-grace","cwp_profile-kara-powell","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280457\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280457\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"7NLYOysEz4\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell\/\">Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes: Ron Deal, Gayla Grace &#038; Kara Powell<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/stepfamily-teens-straddling-different-homes-ron-deal-gayla-grace-kara-powell\/embed\/#?secret=7NLYOysEz4\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes: Ron Deal, Gayla Grace &#038; Kara Powell&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"7NLYOysEz4\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["MS-012677"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/f175f89c-5019-4bd3-a9c5-b154011def5d\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:24:51"],"filesize":["22.79M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280866"],"show_notes":["<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">Sign up for the StepFamily Summit and secure your spot today!<\/a><br \/>\nConnect with Gayla Grace and catch more of her ideas at <a href=\"http:\/\/stepparentingwithgrace.com\/\">stepparentingwithgrace.com<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/karapowell.com\/about\/\">Connect more with Kara Powell at karapowell.com<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/86-bi-polar-value-differences-between-homes\/\">Listen to the full episode with Kara Powell and Gayla Grace.<\/a><br \/>\nDiscover more <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-smart-stepfamily\/\">resources<\/a> and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-08-28.pdf"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Gayla Grace, Kara Powell, Ron Deal<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 28, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Kara: There\u2019s 50 different answers, at least, that we could glean from Scripture about who God says we are. But one that we think is really important for young people to know today is that Jesus makes them enough. In the midst of trying to satisfy all these expectations and feeling like they don\u2019t cross that bar\u2014the single word \u201cenough\u201d\u2014that Jesus makes you enough. In fact, Jesus makes you more than enough.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abott. And your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I am excited for our listeners to hear an interview that Ron Deal did on his FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast today. It\u2019s going to be a great one.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. As most of you know, Ron is the director of our blended family initiative. Before we get into the interview, we have something that\u2019s pretty exciting.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry this year is virtual.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What is the Summit?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s an equipping time for leaders and churches, especially leaders with blended family situations. It\u2019s really an equipping time for all kinds of leaders. We\u2019ve been there; I\u2019ve spoken at it. It isn\u2019t always virtual. This time it\u2019s virtual, which means you don\u2019t have to be at a specific location. You can watch it from anywhere. It\u2019s going to be a powerful time.<\/p>\n<p>Today Ron sat down with Dr. Kara Powell. She\u2019s at the Fuller Youth Institute at Fuller Theological Seminary. I heard her years ago at an Orange Conference, and she\u2019s dynamic. Her book The Three Big Questions That Change Every Teenager is fabulous.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Today we\u2019re going to listen to\u2014this is episode #86. Ron sat down with Gayla Grace, who serves on the team as well, and they interviewed Dr. Powell about these three big questions teens are asking.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Do you know what those are?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019re going to find out.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Gayla, have you ever preached a sermon your kids weren\u2019t listening to?<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: Oh, my goodness! [Laughter] And the older they got, the more that seemed to happen.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Man, been there, done that. \u201cSon, I\u2019ve got answers that you don\u2019t have questions for, but I\u2019m going to tell you the answers anyway.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: That\u2019s right!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, I think that\u2019s part of parenting. Isn\u2019t that part of the touch-and-go sort of, \u201cIs this something that is helpful for my kid? Or, is it not?\u201d We have lots of questions, too!<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: I found, as ours got closer to leaving for college, you start going through this thing in your head, like, \u201cHave I told them everything I need to tell them?\u201d Then, you start downloading whether they\u2019re ready to hear it or not!<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Oh, yes. Gayla, I created a list because as each of our kids\u2014our two olders have hit twelfth grade\u2014yes! All the things I wanted to make sure I talked to them about. For sure. I\u2019m there.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s going to be her next book, as a matter of fact. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Quite possibly. Quite possibly.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: So, what are the three big questions?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: We think they boil down to identity, belonging, and purpose. Let\u2019s unpack those questions a bit. Identity\u2014who am I? Belonging\u2014where do I fit? And purpose\u2014what difference can I make? Those of us who are over 30\u2014we\u2019re certainly wrestling with those questions, too. I would say identity, belonging, and purpose are the three big questions of what it means to be human. For those of us over 30, those questions are more at a low simmer. For teenagers and young adults, those questions are at a rolling boil.<\/p>\n<p>I will say, as a parent myself, one of the big gifts of this research has been that if one of my kids is doing something that just seems a little off for them, like a little strange. Something that seems a little out of character. If I step back and ask, \u201cWhy are they so insistent on getting that time with their friends this weekend? Why are they resisting whatever they might be resisting because they\u2019re hungry to get to church?\u201d Or whatever it is.<\/p>\n<p>If I ask, \u201cWhat are they after?\u201d Are they after identity? Or are they after belonging? Or are they after a sense of purpose? It\u2019s like the penny dropped for me, as a parent. I all of a sudden understand, \u201cOh, that\u2019s what\u2019s motivating them! That\u2019s why they\u2019re doing what they\u2019re doing.\u201d It helps me empathize and know how to respond to them.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t say to my kids, \u201cYou know what you\u2019re really after is a sense of belonging.\u201d [Laughter] I don\u2019t say that aloud to them. Although we do talk about identity, belonging, and purpose. I can share some of that. Internally, I use it as a kind of diagnostic, for me to understand. But in the heat of the moment, I don\u2019t generally share that aloud with my kids.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I\u2019m a little curious about the \u201csimmer\u201d vs. the \u201crolling boil.\u201d Is it a simmer for us over 30 because we\u2019ve sort of figured a few things out? Or is somehow society is not pushing that at us as hard.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: I\u2019d say it\u2019s probably both. If you look at what developmental psychologists have said over the decades, they would say that identity, for instance, is kind of a quintessential question for young people.<\/p>\n<p>I think what\u2019s interesting, Ron, is I think times of transition are when these questions heat up. I have a friend who is unemployed, was laid off from his job. Dave and I have a good friend. He, in his early 40\u2019s, he\u2019s wrestling. The heat\u2019s being turned up on these questions for him, about identity, belonging, and purpose because of being in the season of unemployment.<\/p>\n<p>If you think about teenagers and young adults, they\u2019re in constant transition. That\u2019s why there\u2019s so much heat about these issues for the young people we care about most is because they\u2019re in the middle of so many liminal or transitional seasons.<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: And even more so in blended families. You think about the constant transition that these kids are going through. This magnifies what she is saying.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, that\u2019s right. I\u2019m processing that thought. That\u2019s very insightful. There\u2019s so many changes and transitions\u2014almost all of them unwanted. It leaves you in a very different place, and you start asking a whole new set of questions again in light of what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s a good example, Kara, of that whole identity or belonging thing being a fresh question for a kid who\u2019s just gone through a parent\u2019s marriage, for example.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: I\u2019m glad you mentioned belonging. I have some wonderful psychology faculty colleagues at Fuller Seminary. Many of them, not all of them, but many of them would say that belonging is actually the tip of the arrow of the three questions for the typical young person. Belonging leads the way and has a unique influence on identity and purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Think about that 12-year-old, that 15-year-old, that 17-year-old who is moving from one family situation to another family situation; whether their parents are going through a divorce, or as you\u2019ve said, there\u2019s a new parent\/stepparent and maybe even some new stepsiblings that are coming into the family system, coming into the home. I think it brings new stressors when it comes to belonging\u2014but also new opportunities to create a new sense of family and a new sense of belonging in which everyone really feels at home.<\/p>\n<p>Again, these transition seasons are unique opportunities for us as adults to make sure that we\u2019re attentive to kids needs and that we\u2019re helping them to get what they need in terms of whether it\u2019s belonging, or that sense of identity, or sense of purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That was really good because I was about to turn the corner and go, \u201cOk. Parents listening now,\u201d and they\u2019re just becoming mindful of something going on in one of their child\u2019s lives. They\u2019re thinking, \u201cWhat do I do? How do I be helpful in this moment?\u201d How would they check in with a child around this type of thing? We talk a lot on this podcast about stepping into a child\u2019s thoughts and bringing it up; not just sitting on it and expecting them to bring it up. We step into that space first to show them we\u2019re willing to go there. I\u2019m wondering how a parent would step into the belonging question.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: If we\u2019re talking about, say, a teenager. I think there\u2019s something about the parent\u2019s own self-disclosure that\u2019s really powerful. In fact, just last night with my husband and our two daughters\u2014our college daughter is home\u2014I was talking about my own struggles with identity and how I struggle with feeling insecure. My girls\u2019 eyes kind of lit up, like, \u201cWhat, Mom? You struggle with feeling insecure?\u201d I said, \u201cOh, yeah.\u201d And here's how your dad helps me, because it was in the context of talking about who helps us grow.<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cYour dad\u2019s helping me grow.\u201d I shared a little bit about when I feel insecure, their dad, my husband, reminds me of who I am in Christ. That\u2019s where their eyes kind of got big. Literally, one of them said, \u201cMom, you get insecure?\u201d I said, \u201cYes, absolutely.\u201d It was my opportunity over leftover hamburgers last night at home to talk about my own journey with identity.<\/p>\n<p>I would say the same as a family is being reformed, for us as adults, parents, stepparents, to volunteer; to be the first one to go in the deep end, metaphorically, with our kids, and say, \u201cYou know what? Sometimes in the midst of this new situation, we\u2019re all trying to figure out where we belong. Here\u2019s when I tend to feel like I most belong in our newly formed\/reforming family. But here\u2019s when I sometimes struggle.\u201d Let that be an open door to see if your young person is open to sharing about any struggles they might be having with feeling like they belong in this new form of family.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This discussion is so helpful.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, it is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of the FamilyLIfe Blended\u00ae podcast with Ron Deal, Gayla Grace, and guest Kara Powell.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it only gets better! So, let\u2019s go back.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: I went immediately to being a stepparent because there\u2019s so many times you don\u2019t feel that you belong. And just to express that, not to do it in a way that you\u2019re trying to put guilt on the kids or anything negative; but just to say that the feeling of belonging or not belonging is huge! We need to wrestle with that. So, that\u2019s an easy conversation to bring up because so many in blended families are feeling it\u2014not just the kids!<\/p>\n<p>Kara: You know, Gayla, as you were talking, I had a memory. I was probably 11; my younger brother was probably 9. I remember my mom and my stepdad\u2014all four of my parents growing up were phenomenal people, loved Jesus. I remember Mom and Jim sitting Matt and my brother down and talking to us about how some of the joking we were doing toward Jim was actually hurting his feelings and making him feel like he wasn\u2019t really part of the family.<\/p>\n<p>My brother and I, we were being sarcastic - 9 and 11, or 10 and 12-year-olds. I think in some ways it was our attempt to make Jim feel like part of our family. Yet, it was having the opposite effect. It was really hurtful to my stepdad. I\u2019m really glad that my mom and stepdad sat us down. I\u2019m also glad they did it together because it was both the mom, who we\u2019d known our whole lives, as well as this new adult who we\u2019re learning to love, sharing about belonging in our family and how what I was doing\u2014my brother and I were doing\u2014was actually hurting my stepdad\u2019s sense of belonging.<\/p>\n<p>I do think we as parents, stepparents, there are opportunities to share ways that our family, our new family, is creating a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose; or maybe where there are some struggles or points of tension.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s a good story. I know you\u2019re capitalizing, Gayla, on the whole boundary setting there. We\u2019ve talked about that a lot in that illustration. I also want to jump in and say that I know it feels weird to go vulnerable if you\u2019re the stepparent because it feels like I\u2019m setting myself up, and isn\u2019t that risky. And, yes, it is. And at the same time when you say, \u201cThis is who I\u2019m going to be, and I\u2019m going to share this part of me with you,\u201d I think more often than not, it does facilitate bonding.<\/p>\n<p>I think what the child perceives is, \u201cOh, I can trust you. You\u2019re not trying to be all that and a bag of chips. You\u2019re just a regular person like me.\u201d That actually helps a child open up. It certainly did for you, it sounds like.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes, absolutely. As you were talking, I was thinking about a principle I use in general when it comes to conversations that could be tricky with a young person. It\u2019s a phrase that actually comes from fruit tree picking. You can tell just by the way I said that, that I don\u2019t know a lot about what\u2019s involved in fruit tree picking. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>But I do know this. We happen to have an orange tree in our backyard. When the oranges are starting to get ripe, we give a gentle tug. That\u2019s the phrase\u2014a gentle tug. If the orange is ripe when we give that gentle tug, then the orange comes into our hands freely. If the orange is not yet ripe, it\u2019s more of a battle.<\/p>\n<p>I think the same is true, probably in relationships in general, and certainly in relationships with our children or stepchildren. If there\u2019s a tough conversation we want to have, then maybe we ask a first question; we share vulnerably, and see how our child or stepchild responds. Do they walk with us as we\u2019re share vulnerably? Or, are they not yet ready for that?<\/p>\n<p>I think my mom and stepdad, they gave a gentle tug by sharing how Jim was feeling a little left out by the joking my brother and I were doing. At least my recollection is we responded and said, \u201cWow. Thanks for telling us. Sorry,\u201d in a 10 to 12-year-old type way. I think that was us being open. I\u2019m sure there were other circumstances where we wouldn\u2019t have been open or maybe weren\u2019t open to that gentle tug. I think there\u2019s ways to ask that first question, put your toe in the water and see how that young person responds.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I\u2019m pulling back from this conversation, and if you\u2019re listening right now, the point is\u2014your kids are asking some big questions. Any time you can step into the middle of that and offer some guidance or just connect with them around those questions, I think you\u2019re moving your heart closer to them. Maybe you\u2019re the biological parent; maybe you\u2019re the stepparent. We\u2019re helping them wrestle with the questions that begin\u2014how would you say it, Kara? We\u2019re helping them move further down the road to finding their own answers?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes. And finding Jesus\u2019s answers. That was what was so fascinating in our research, especially when we spent time with 27 diverse teenagers, many of whom were from blended families. We identified, what are they currently using to answer those questions.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Would that be Google? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes. Exactly! Mechanistically, yes, absolutely. But what are the internal narratives they\u2019re currently using to find a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. And what would be better Jesus centered narratives that we can point young people to that ultimately satisfy. I believe Jesus\u2019s answers are the answers that ultimately satisfy.<\/p>\n<p>Actually, I think a lot of discipleship is more fully embracing Jesus\u2019s answers to our identity, belonging, and purpose questions. As parents, stepparents, caregivers, and grandparents, we have the opportunity to accompany young people and try to nudge them toward those better answers.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Give me a quick contrast: finding my own answers, or finding Jesus\u2019s answers. What does that look like? And how might a parent play a role in helping a child with that?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: We talked about belonging, so let\u2019s move to a different one of the questions. Let\u2019s move to identity. Who am? What we saw as we spent time with young people is that there\u2019s two primary, dominant answers right now, that they use currently. First off, they define themselves based off other people\u2019s expectations. So, who am I? I am what my family expects, my teachers expect, my friends expect, my boss expects, my church expects, etc. They have all these different theaters of action.<\/p>\n<p>Then, the second answer they tend to use\u2014closely related to the first\u2014because of all these different sets of expectations, they end up feeling inadequate. They end up feeling like they\u2019re not enough. You have a typical young person walking around feeling like they\u2019re not smart enough, they\u2019re not pretty enough, they\u2019re not popular enough.<\/p>\n<p>We spent quite a bit of time with young people of color, and those young people often don\u2019t feel Latino enough, Black enough, Asian enough, as they\u2019re navigating multiple worlds. That creates an ongoing sense of inadequacy, stress, anxiety for young people.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s contrast that with what I think is Jesus\u2019s best answer to who we are. There\u2019s about 50 different answers, at least that we can glean from Scripture, about who God says we are. One that we think is really important for young people to know today, is that Jesus makes them enough. In the midst of trying to satisfy all these expectations and feeling like they don\u2019t cross that bar, the single word \u201cenough,\u201d that Jesus makes you enough, that Jesus makes you more than enough.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ron, that\u2019s so good. How would you say we convince our kids of that? We can say it, but how do they capture it in their hearts?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: In some ways, Ann, I would say that we can do things to help our children feel like they\u2019re enough in Jesus. In other ways, we can\u2019t do that for them. It\u2019s something they have to find within themselves. For example, anytime you compliment a child, validate a child, speak about their giftings, help them get good at something\u2014all of that helps them feel better about who they are.<\/p>\n<p>When we couch all of that into their worth because of Jesus, that\u2019s what transcends any performance we do in life, right? If it\u2019s just on your skill set, when you have a bad day, then you\u2019re not worth much. But if your worth and value ultimately comes from Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the hard part about that. I know I struggle with am I good enough. There\u2019s a lot of us as adults that are competent, capable people. We still wrestle with inadequacy. What\u2019s that about? Ultimately, it\u2019s about coming back over and over again to, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me. It is about what Jesus is doing in me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think we have to share that struggle out loud with our children, so they see us wrestle with it so they get some perspective about their own struggle to find their worth and rest in Jesus. When we do that in collaboration or in front of our children, I think it makes it easier for them to see that they, too, are on this journey with Jesus and striving to rest in Him. It\u2019s just part of the human condition.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: In some ways, Ron, is it even more critical in a blended situation? When my dad walked out, those three questions became critical to me. I lost my identity and belonging, and I felt less than. I think that\u2019s part of the blended situation, right?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Unwanted grief and sadness and transition that takes place in a child\u2019s life makes it harder for some of these things to come to fruition in their life. Which is why the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is our annual equipping event for lay couples who want to lead small groups in their church; pastors; children\u2019s ministry leaders; on and on. We help leaders understand blended families. This year the event is virtual\u2014Thursday, October 12. Here\u2019s the cool thing\u2014you can register as a individual or a couple, and you can watch from your home.<\/p>\n<p>You can also encourage leaders from your church to join. With a church registration, you can have somebody else say, \u201cYes, I\u2019ll come to that,\u201d the day before the event. They\u2019re just jumping in with your group, and you\u2019re going to experience the day together. It\u2019s a great way to develop momentum towards stepfamily ministry in your church, whether you\u2019re started doing some things; or you have no idea where to begin.<\/p>\n<p>Our theme this year is \u201cmerge.\u201d How do you merge blended family ministry into your existing church structure, your ministries for adult ed, for marriage ministry, or children, students\u2014you don\u2019t have to create a whole new blended ministry. How do you integrate some basic principles into what you\u2019re already doing. That\u2019s going to be our focus.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And when is it, Ron?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Thursday, October 12. It\u2019s a one day, all day event. It\u2019s virtual, comfort of your own home. Come join us.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I come from a blended family, personally, and I know how vital it is to have specific, biblical help that\u2019s relevant to my family\u2019s needs. That\u2019s exactly what we\u2019re doing with FamilyLife Blended\u00ae.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. Ron, Dave, and Ann have been listening to a FamilyLife Blended episode with Gayla Grace and Kara Powell. If you want to find the full episode of that conversation, you can search for episode #86 on FamilyLife Blended podcast. You can find that wherever you get your podcasts.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re listening to this conversation and wondering, \u201cHow can I help kids in my church or in my community who live in blended families?\u201d You may be interested in this year\u2019s Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. This year\u2019s Summit is a one-day, virtual event. No travel involved at all. So, if you haven\u2019t been able to attend in the past, this is the perfect time to do so to learn more about how you and your church can minister to blended families in your community.<\/p>\n<p>You can learn more about the October 12 virtual event and register, you can go to summitonstepfamilies.com. That\u2019s summitonstepfamiliels.com. Or you can find the link in today\u2019s show notes.<\/p>\n<p>Coming up tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are joined by Sean McDowell and John Marriott to talk more about deconstruction, having an open dialogue about embracing people\u2019s questions and doubts within the Christian community. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. 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belonging: They're burning questions in any teen. How can you feed these in your teen, so their transitions between vastly different stepfamily homes mean they grow stronger, more resilient, and grounded in Jesus Christ? Author Kara Powell discu...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">Sign up for the StepFamily Summit and secure your spot today!<\/a><br \/>\nConnect with Gayla Grace and catch more of her ideas at <a href=\"http:\/\/stepparentingwithgrace.com\/\">stepparentingwithgrace.com<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/karapowell.com\/about\/\">Connect more with Kara Powell at karapowell.com<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/86-bi-polar-value-differences-between-homes\/\">Listen to the full episode with Kara Powell and Gayla Grace.<\/a><br \/>\nDiscover more <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-smart-stepfamily\/\">resources<\/a> and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-08-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Gayla Grace, Kara Powell, Ron Deal<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Stepfamily Teens Straddling Different Homes<\/p>\n<p>Air date:August 28, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Kara: There\u2019s 50 different answers, at least, that we could glean from Scripture about who God says we are. But one that we think is really important for young people to know today is that Jesus makes them enough. In the midst of trying to satisfy all these expectations and feeling like they don\u2019t cross that bar\u2014the single word \u201cenough\u201d\u2014that Jesus makes you enough. In fact, Jesus makes you more than enough.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abott. And your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I am excited for our listeners to hear an interview that Ron Deal did on his FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast today. It\u2019s going to be a great one.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. As most of you know, Ron is the director of our blended family initiative. Before we get into the interview, we have something that\u2019s pretty exciting.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry this year is virtual.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: What is the Summit?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s an equipping time for leaders and churches, especially leaders with blended family situations. It\u2019s really an equipping time for all kinds of leaders. We\u2019ve been there; I\u2019ve spoken at it. It isn\u2019t always virtual. This time it\u2019s virtual, which means you don\u2019t have to be at a specific location. You can watch it from anywhere. It\u2019s going to be a powerful time.<\/p>\n<p>Today Ron sat down with Dr. Kara Powell. She\u2019s at the Fuller Youth Institute at Fuller Theological Seminary. I heard her years ago at an Orange Conference, and she\u2019s dynamic. Her book The Three Big Questions That Change Every Teenager is fabulous.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Today we\u2019re going to listen to\u2014this is episode #86. Ron sat down with Gayla Grace, who serves on the team as well, and they interviewed Dr. Powell about these three big questions teens are asking.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Do you know what those are?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019re going to find out.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Gayla, have you ever preached a sermon your kids weren\u2019t listening to?<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: Oh, my goodness! [Laughter] And the older they got, the more that seemed to happen.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Man, been there, done that. \u201cSon, I\u2019ve got answers that you don\u2019t have questions for, but I\u2019m going to tell you the answers anyway.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: That\u2019s right!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, I think that\u2019s part of parenting. Isn\u2019t that part of the touch-and-go sort of, \u201cIs this something that is helpful for my kid? Or, is it not?\u201d We have lots of questions, too!<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: I found, as ours got closer to leaving for college, you start going through this thing in your head, like, \u201cHave I told them everything I need to tell them?\u201d Then, you start downloading whether they\u2019re ready to hear it or not!<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Oh, yes. Gayla, I created a list because as each of our kids\u2014our two olders have hit twelfth grade\u2014yes! All the things I wanted to make sure I talked to them about. For sure. I\u2019m there.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s going to be her next book, as a matter of fact. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Quite possibly. Quite possibly.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: So, what are the three big questions?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: We think they boil down to identity, belonging, and purpose. Let\u2019s unpack those questions a bit. Identity\u2014who am I? Belonging\u2014where do I fit? And purpose\u2014what difference can I make? Those of us who are over 30\u2014we\u2019re certainly wrestling with those questions, too. I would say identity, belonging, and purpose are the three big questions of what it means to be human. For those of us over 30, those questions are more at a low simmer. For teenagers and young adults, those questions are at a rolling boil.<\/p>\n<p>I will say, as a parent myself, one of the big gifts of this research has been that if one of my kids is doing something that just seems a little off for them, like a little strange. Something that seems a little out of character. If I step back and ask, \u201cWhy are they so insistent on getting that time with their friends this weekend? Why are they resisting whatever they might be resisting because they\u2019re hungry to get to church?\u201d Or whatever it is.<\/p>\n<p>If I ask, \u201cWhat are they after?\u201d Are they after identity? Or are they after belonging? Or are they after a sense of purpose? It\u2019s like the penny dropped for me, as a parent. I all of a sudden understand, \u201cOh, that\u2019s what\u2019s motivating them! That\u2019s why they\u2019re doing what they\u2019re doing.\u201d It helps me empathize and know how to respond to them.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t say to my kids, \u201cYou know what you\u2019re really after is a sense of belonging.\u201d [Laughter] I don\u2019t say that aloud to them. Although we do talk about identity, belonging, and purpose. I can share some of that. Internally, I use it as a kind of diagnostic, for me to understand. But in the heat of the moment, I don\u2019t generally share that aloud with my kids.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I\u2019m a little curious about the \u201csimmer\u201d vs. the \u201crolling boil.\u201d Is it a simmer for us over 30 because we\u2019ve sort of figured a few things out? Or is somehow society is not pushing that at us as hard.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: I\u2019d say it\u2019s probably both. If you look at what developmental psychologists have said over the decades, they would say that identity, for instance, is kind of a quintessential question for young people.<\/p>\n<p>I think what\u2019s interesting, Ron, is I think times of transition are when these questions heat up. I have a friend who is unemployed, was laid off from his job. Dave and I have a good friend. He, in his early 40\u2019s, he\u2019s wrestling. The heat\u2019s being turned up on these questions for him, about identity, belonging, and purpose because of being in the season of unemployment.<\/p>\n<p>If you think about teenagers and young adults, they\u2019re in constant transition. That\u2019s why there\u2019s so much heat about these issues for the young people we care about most is because they\u2019re in the middle of so many liminal or transitional seasons.<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: And even more so in blended families. You think about the constant transition that these kids are going through. This magnifies what she is saying.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, that\u2019s right. I\u2019m processing that thought. That\u2019s very insightful. There\u2019s so many changes and transitions\u2014almost all of them unwanted. It leaves you in a very different place, and you start asking a whole new set of questions again in light of what\u2019s going on.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s a good example, Kara, of that whole identity or belonging thing being a fresh question for a kid who\u2019s just gone through a parent\u2019s marriage, for example.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: I\u2019m glad you mentioned belonging. I have some wonderful psychology faculty colleagues at Fuller Seminary. Many of them, not all of them, but many of them would say that belonging is actually the tip of the arrow of the three questions for the typical young person. Belonging leads the way and has a unique influence on identity and purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Think about that 12-year-old, that 15-year-old, that 17-year-old who is moving from one family situation to another family situation; whether their parents are going through a divorce, or as you\u2019ve said, there\u2019s a new parent\/stepparent and maybe even some new stepsiblings that are coming into the family system, coming into the home. I think it brings new stressors when it comes to belonging\u2014but also new opportunities to create a new sense of family and a new sense of belonging in which everyone really feels at home.<\/p>\n<p>Again, these transition seasons are unique opportunities for us as adults to make sure that we\u2019re attentive to kids needs and that we\u2019re helping them to get what they need in terms of whether it\u2019s belonging, or that sense of identity, or sense of purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That was really good because I was about to turn the corner and go, \u201cOk. Parents listening now,\u201d and they\u2019re just becoming mindful of something going on in one of their child\u2019s lives. They\u2019re thinking, \u201cWhat do I do? How do I be helpful in this moment?\u201d How would they check in with a child around this type of thing? We talk a lot on this podcast about stepping into a child\u2019s thoughts and bringing it up; not just sitting on it and expecting them to bring it up. We step into that space first to show them we\u2019re willing to go there. I\u2019m wondering how a parent would step into the belonging question.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: If we\u2019re talking about, say, a teenager. I think there\u2019s something about the parent\u2019s own self-disclosure that\u2019s really powerful. In fact, just last night with my husband and our two daughters\u2014our college daughter is home\u2014I was talking about my own struggles with identity and how I struggle with feeling insecure. My girls\u2019 eyes kind of lit up, like, \u201cWhat, Mom? You struggle with feeling insecure?\u201d I said, \u201cOh, yeah.\u201d And here's how your dad helps me, because it was in the context of talking about who helps us grow.<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cYour dad\u2019s helping me grow.\u201d I shared a little bit about when I feel insecure, their dad, my husband, reminds me of who I am in Christ. That\u2019s where their eyes kind of got big. Literally, one of them said, \u201cMom, you get insecure?\u201d I said, \u201cYes, absolutely.\u201d It was my opportunity over leftover hamburgers last night at home to talk about my own journey with identity.<\/p>\n<p>I would say the same as a family is being reformed, for us as adults, parents, stepparents, to volunteer; to be the first one to go in the deep end, metaphorically, with our kids, and say, \u201cYou know what? Sometimes in the midst of this new situation, we\u2019re all trying to figure out where we belong. Here\u2019s when I tend to feel like I most belong in our newly formed\/reforming family. But here\u2019s when I sometimes struggle.\u201d Let that be an open door to see if your young person is open to sharing about any struggles they might be having with feeling like they belong in this new form of family.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This discussion is so helpful.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, it is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of the FamilyLIfe Blended\u00ae podcast with Ron Deal, Gayla Grace, and guest Kara Powell.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And it only gets better! So, let\u2019s go back.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Gayla: I went immediately to being a stepparent because there\u2019s so many times you don\u2019t feel that you belong. And just to express that, not to do it in a way that you\u2019re trying to put guilt on the kids or anything negative; but just to say that the feeling of belonging or not belonging is huge! We need to wrestle with that. So, that\u2019s an easy conversation to bring up because so many in blended families are feeling it\u2014not just the kids!<\/p>\n<p>Kara: You know, Gayla, as you were talking, I had a memory. I was probably 11; my younger brother was probably 9. I remember my mom and my stepdad\u2014all four of my parents growing up were phenomenal people, loved Jesus. I remember Mom and Jim sitting Matt and my brother down and talking to us about how some of the joking we were doing toward Jim was actually hurting his feelings and making him feel like he wasn\u2019t really part of the family.<\/p>\n<p>My brother and I, we were being sarcastic - 9 and 11, or 10 and 12-year-olds. I think in some ways it was our attempt to make Jim feel like part of our family. Yet, it was having the opposite effect. It was really hurtful to my stepdad. I\u2019m really glad that my mom and stepdad sat us down. I\u2019m also glad they did it together because it was both the mom, who we\u2019d known our whole lives, as well as this new adult who we\u2019re learning to love, sharing about belonging in our family and how what I was doing\u2014my brother and I were doing\u2014was actually hurting my stepdad\u2019s sense of belonging.<\/p>\n<p>I do think we as parents, stepparents, there are opportunities to share ways that our family, our new family, is creating a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose; or maybe where there are some struggles or points of tension.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s a good story. I know you\u2019re capitalizing, Gayla, on the whole boundary setting there. We\u2019ve talked about that a lot in that illustration. I also want to jump in and say that I know it feels weird to go vulnerable if you\u2019re the stepparent because it feels like I\u2019m setting myself up, and isn\u2019t that risky. And, yes, it is. And at the same time when you say, \u201cThis is who I\u2019m going to be, and I\u2019m going to share this part of me with you,\u201d I think more often than not, it does facilitate bonding.<\/p>\n<p>I think what the child perceives is, \u201cOh, I can trust you. You\u2019re not trying to be all that and a bag of chips. You\u2019re just a regular person like me.\u201d That actually helps a child open up. It certainly did for you, it sounds like.<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes, absolutely. As you were talking, I was thinking about a principle I use in general when it comes to conversations that could be tricky with a young person. It\u2019s a phrase that actually comes from fruit tree picking. You can tell just by the way I said that, that I don\u2019t know a lot about what\u2019s involved in fruit tree picking. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>But I do know this. We happen to have an orange tree in our backyard. When the oranges are starting to get ripe, we give a gentle tug. That\u2019s the phrase\u2014a gentle tug. If the orange is ripe when we give that gentle tug, then the orange comes into our hands freely. If the orange is not yet ripe, it\u2019s more of a battle.<\/p>\n<p>I think the same is true, probably in relationships in general, and certainly in relationships with our children or stepchildren. If there\u2019s a tough conversation we want to have, then maybe we ask a first question; we share vulnerably, and see how our child or stepchild responds. Do they walk with us as we\u2019re share vulnerably? Or, are they not yet ready for that?<\/p>\n<p>I think my mom and stepdad, they gave a gentle tug by sharing how Jim was feeling a little left out by the joking my brother and I were doing. At least my recollection is we responded and said, \u201cWow. Thanks for telling us. Sorry,\u201d in a 10 to 12-year-old type way. I think that was us being open. I\u2019m sure there were other circumstances where we wouldn\u2019t have been open or maybe weren\u2019t open to that gentle tug. I think there\u2019s ways to ask that first question, put your toe in the water and see how that young person responds.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I\u2019m pulling back from this conversation, and if you\u2019re listening right now, the point is\u2014your kids are asking some big questions. Any time you can step into the middle of that and offer some guidance or just connect with them around those questions, I think you\u2019re moving your heart closer to them. Maybe you\u2019re the biological parent; maybe you\u2019re the stepparent. We\u2019re helping them wrestle with the questions that begin\u2014how would you say it, Kara? We\u2019re helping them move further down the road to finding their own answers?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes. And finding Jesus\u2019s answers. That was what was so fascinating in our research, especially when we spent time with 27 diverse teenagers, many of whom were from blended families. We identified, what are they currently using to answer those questions.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Would that be Google? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kara: Yes. Exactly! Mechanistically, yes, absolutely. But what are the internal narratives they\u2019re currently using to find a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. And what would be better Jesus centered narratives that we can point young people to that ultimately satisfy. I believe Jesus\u2019s answers are the answers that ultimately satisfy.<\/p>\n<p>Actually, I think a lot of discipleship is more fully embracing Jesus\u2019s answers to our identity, belonging, and purpose questions. As parents, stepparents, caregivers, and grandparents, we have the opportunity to accompany young people and try to nudge them toward those better answers.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Give me a quick contrast: finding my own answers, or finding Jesus\u2019s answers. What does that look like? And how might a parent play a role in helping a child with that?<\/p>\n<p>Kara: We talked about belonging, so let\u2019s move to a different one of the questions. Let\u2019s move to identity. Who am? What we saw as we spent time with young people is that there\u2019s two primary, dominant answers right now, that they use currently. First off, they define themselves based off other people\u2019s expectations. So, who am I? I am what my family expects, my teachers expect, my friends expect, my boss expects, my church expects, etc. They have all these different theaters of action.<\/p>\n<p>Then, the second answer they tend to use\u2014closely related to the first\u2014because of all these different sets of expectations, they end up feeling inadequate. They end up feeling like they\u2019re not enough. You have a typical young person walking around feeling like they\u2019re not smart enough, they\u2019re not pretty enough, they\u2019re not popular enough.<\/p>\n<p>We spent quite a bit of time with young people of color, and those young people often don\u2019t feel Latino enough, Black enough, Asian enough, as they\u2019re navigating multiple worlds. That creates an ongoing sense of inadequacy, stress, anxiety for young people.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s contrast that with what I think is Jesus\u2019s best answer to who we are. There\u2019s about 50 different answers, at least that we can glean from Scripture, about who God says we are. One that we think is really important for young people to know today, is that Jesus makes them enough. In the midst of trying to satisfy all these expectations and feeling like they don\u2019t cross that bar, the single word \u201cenough,\u201d that Jesus makes you enough, that Jesus makes you more than enough.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ron, that\u2019s so good. How would you say we convince our kids of that? We can say it, but how do they capture it in their hearts?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: In some ways, Ann, I would say that we can do things to help our children feel like they\u2019re enough in Jesus. In other ways, we can\u2019t do that for them. It\u2019s something they have to find within themselves. For example, anytime you compliment a child, validate a child, speak about their giftings, help them get good at something\u2014all of that helps them feel better about who they are.<\/p>\n<p>When we couch all of that into their worth because of Jesus, that\u2019s what transcends any performance we do in life, right? If it\u2019s just on your skill set, when you have a bad day, then you\u2019re not worth much. But if your worth and value ultimately comes from Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the hard part about that. I know I struggle with am I good enough. There\u2019s a lot of us as adults that are competent, capable people. We still wrestle with inadequacy. What\u2019s that about? Ultimately, it\u2019s about coming back over and over again to, \u201cIt\u2019s not about me. It is about what Jesus is doing in me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think we have to share that struggle out loud with our children, so they see us wrestle with it so they get some perspective about their own struggle to find their worth and rest in Jesus. When we do that in collaboration or in front of our children, I think it makes it easier for them to see that they, too, are on this journey with Jesus and striving to rest in Him. It\u2019s just part of the human condition.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: In some ways, Ron, is it even more critical in a blended situation? When my dad walked out, those three questions became critical to me. I lost my identity and belonging, and I felt less than. I think that\u2019s part of the blended situation, right?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Unwanted grief and sadness and transition that takes place in a child\u2019s life makes it harder for some of these things to come to fruition in their life. Which is why the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is our annual equipping event for lay couples who want to lead small groups in their church; pastors; children\u2019s ministry leaders; on and on. We help leaders understand blended families. This year the event is virtual\u2014Thursday, October 12. Here\u2019s the cool thing\u2014you can register as a individual or a couple, and you can watch from your home.<\/p>\n<p>You can also encourage leaders from your church to join. With a church registration, you can have somebody else say, \u201cYes, I\u2019ll come to that,\u201d the day before the event. They\u2019re just jumping in with your group, and you\u2019re going to experience the day together. It\u2019s a great way to develop momentum towards stepfamily ministry in your church, whether you\u2019re started doing some things; or you have no idea where to begin.<\/p>\n<p>Our theme this year is \u201cmerge.\u201d How do you merge blended family ministry into your existing church structure, your ministries for adult ed, for marriage ministry, or children, students\u2014you don\u2019t have to create a whole new blended ministry. How do you integrate some basic principles into what you\u2019re already doing. That\u2019s going to be our focus.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And when is it, Ron?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Thursday, October 12. It\u2019s a one day, all day event. It\u2019s virtual, comfort of your own home. Come join us.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I come from a blended family, personally, and I know how vital it is to have specific, biblical help that\u2019s relevant to my family\u2019s needs. That\u2019s exactly what we\u2019re doing with FamilyLife Blended\u00ae.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. Ron, Dave, and Ann have been listening to a FamilyLife Blended episode with Gayla Grace and Kara Powell. If you want to find the full episode of that conversation, you can search for episode #86 on FamilyLife Blended podcast. You can find that wherever you get your podcasts.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re listening to this conversation and wondering, \u201cHow can I help kids in my church or in my community who live in blended families?\u201d You may be interested in this year\u2019s Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. This year\u2019s Summit is a one-day, virtual event. No travel involved at all. So, if you haven\u2019t been able to attend in the past, this is the perfect time to do so to learn more about how you and your church can minister to blended families in your community.<\/p>\n<p>You can learn more about the October 12 virtual event and register, you can go to summitonstepfamilies.com. That\u2019s summitonstepfamiliels.com. Or you can find the link in today\u2019s show notes.<\/p>\n<p>Coming up tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are joined by Sean McDowell and John Marriott to talk more about deconstruction, having an open dialogue about embracing people\u2019s questions and doubts within the Christian community. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280457","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280457"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280457"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280457"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280457"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280457"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280457"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280457"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}