{"id":280447,"date":"2023-09-05T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-05T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/"},"modified":"2025-05-06T16:58:02","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T20:58:02","slug":"us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/","title":{"rendered":"Us In Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage: Ted Lowe"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Could the way you&#8217;re thinking about your spouse be shaping your marriage in ways you&#8217;ve never imagined? Author Ted Lowe helps revolutionize your marriage\u2026starting with your mind.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><strong fetchpriority=\"high\"><em>The only common denominator in couples that reported the highest level of marital satisfaction\u2014they were basically given a spousal report card and told, \u201cRank your spouse,\u201d in categories like generosity, kindness, and loyalty; and the ones that were happiest were the ones who ranked their spouse highest in every category than their spouse had ranked themselves. So, I think it\u2019s made up of, you know, \u201cIf you could only see you like I see you!\u201d &#8212; Ted Lowe<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Could the way you&#8217;re thinking about your spouse be shaping your marriage in ways you&#8217;ve never imagined? Author Ted Lowe helps revolutionize your marriage\u2026starting with your mind. The only common denominator in couples that reported the highest level of &#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/70071d0f-4584-4adb-bc61-b154011dd3d2\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:50","filesize":"25.52M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-09-05 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2258],"podcast_series":[8673],"cwp_profile":[9887],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280447","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-ted-lowe","podcast_series-us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe","cwp_profile-ted-lowe","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280447\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280447\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"X88JfSxQEZ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/\">Us In Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage: Ted Lowe<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/embed\/#?secret=X88JfSxQEZ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Us In Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage: Ted Lowe&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"X88JfSxQEZ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Could the way you're thinking about your spouse be shaping your marriage in ways you've never imagined? Author Ted Lowe helps revolutionize your marriage\u2026starting with your mind. The only common denominator in couples that reported the highest level of ...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Connect with Ted Lowe at <a href=\"http:\/\/tedlowe.com\/\">tedlowe.com<\/a><br \/>\nRevitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories Learn more at <a href=\"http:\/\/weekendtoremember.com\/\">weekendtoremember.com<\/a><br \/>\nIntrigued by today's episode? Go deeper into how to care well for your spouse and their emotions with\u00a0FamilyLife Today episode, <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-anxiety-hits-your-marriage-dr-ed-welch\/\">When Anxiety Hits Your Marriage with Dr. Ed Welch<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-09-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Us in Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Ted Lowe<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Us in Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage (2 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:September 5, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Ted: The only common denominator in couples that reported the highest level of marital satisfaction\u2014they were basically given a spousal report card and told, \u201cRank your spouse,\u201d in categories like generosity, kindness, and loyalty; and the ones that were happiest were the ones who ranked their spouse highest in every category than their spouse had ranked themselves. So, I think it\u2019s made up of, you know, \u201cIf you could only see you like I see you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Alright, I\u2019m going to ask you a question, and you\u2019d better know the answer.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, no!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: My greatest moment on a golf course?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Um, when you shot under par by a lot.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ve never done that! [Laughter] I shot par once or twice; never under! Last week, I had a birdie, and almost an eagle. But no, here\u2019s the thing: you remember, and I won\u2019t go into it, because our listeners have heard this, but playing in a charity celebrity golf thing, and a woman finds out; she walks up to me and says, \u201cSo, you\u2019re a marriage expert. That\u2019s what I hear!\u201d I said, \u201cNo, I\u2019m not.\u201d She said, \u201cI\u2019m on my second marriage. What\u2019s the problem with marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I had ten seconds, and I said, \u201cI can answer that in one word.\u201d She said, \u201cReally?!\u201d And I said, \u201cSelfishness.\u201d Classic response! I\u2019ll never forget it; she said, \u201cYou are so right! My first husband was so selfish!\u201d [Laughter] It was like, \u201cOh, my goodness!\u201d That\u2019s how we all think! We can\u2019t see it in ourselves. We see it in somebody else.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And that all begins in the mind. We\u2019ve got Ted Lowe [here]. You can hear him over there laughing in the studio. Welcome back, Ted.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And you\u2019re laughing partly because it\u2019s funny. But you wrote a book called Us in Mind, which is all about how our thinking\u2014our mind\u2014determines how it impacts our marriage. So, bring us into this world. We started the conversation yesterday a little bit.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And if you didn\u2019t hear, go back and listen to that one.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s so good!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We went somewhere I wasn\u2019t expecting us to go on empathy. And if you hear that word and think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s not that important,\u201d you\u2019d better listen to yesterday.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You\u2019ll discover how critical it is. But one of the things we just started to talk about yesterday was a little bit about how what we think about our spouse greatly impacts our marriage. Take us there.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I think I mentioned to you guys yesterday, I did a lot of research on: \u201cWhat are happy couples doing?\u201d They do; they think differently. There was a fascinating study\u2014this brain scan study\u2014on couples who\u2019ve been married an average of 21 years, who reported being \u201cmadly in love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Ted: How did we find these?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cMadly in love.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cMadly in love.\u201d They were just going for the top-notch tier here. But they did a brain scan study, and there were three areas of the brain that had higher activity (than the rest of us, I guess). [Laughter] But one of them was an area of the brain that\u2019s responsible for what\u2019s called \u201cpositive illusion.\u201d It\u2019s the ability to focus on what you do like about your spouse, and not focus on what you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I know red flags go up. This is not about ignoring anything abusive. Let me just say that right off the top.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: This is not about being delusional or putting yourself in harm\u2019s way. But we think, for most of us, that can not be our tendency, to remember all the things that we do love about our spouse and stop focusing so much on the things that we don\u2019t. And that\u2019s where, you know, our brain can be playing a game called \u201cconfirmation bias.\u201d In other words, you find what you\u2019re looking for.<\/p>\n<p>The roughest point in our marriage was a time that my brain was playing confirmation bias, and I didn\u2019t know it. We spent our first five years of marriage on the West Coast. We had an incredible church we were working with, great buddies; we were close to the beach. I mean, I loved it there! But when we started talking about having our family, we talked about moving back closer to our folks.<\/p>\n<p>And we decided that\u2014you need to hear me on this point\u2014we decided that together. [Laughter] I was all in! I had made that decision with her. But when we moved back, we moved to the Atlanta area, I didn\u2019t know what was going on at the time, but I was just struggling! And I thought it was just where we were. I thought, \u201cI don\u2019t like this! I don\u2019t like this.\u201d And Nancy loved it! She was close to her mom and her friends, and she can make friends in two seconds. [Laughter] So, she was doing great!<\/p>\n<p>And I just remember one day, I was outside mowing the lawn, and it was 5,000 degrees. [Laughter] Our lawn in California took me like four seconds, you know?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And it\u2019s a dry heat.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Oh, it\u2019s not even heat, it\u2019s like heaven! [Laughter] Are you kidding me? It\u2019s like a postage stamp size. I pull the cord and go five feet. \u201cWelp, I\u2019m done! Let\u2019s go to the beach!\u201d You know? And I was like, \u201cDo we need to own the park? Or do we need access to one? This is ridiculous! What is this? Why am I in charge of this big space?!\u201d [Laughter] So, I\u2019m out there mowing, and it\u2019s hot! She\u2019s inside in the air conditioning, so I\u2019m not bitter at all.<\/p>\n<p>And I have this thought: \u201cI wonder: did I really want to move here, or did she talk me into moving here?\u201d Then I thought, \u201cYou know what? I think she always gets what she wants.\u201d And then I had this thought\u2014and I say it with zero humor; zero humor; I thought, \u201cI think she\u2019s manipulative.\u201d And when you hang that banner over your spouse, or you put that badge on them, you start treating them like they\u2019re manipulative. So, you can imagine what my attitude was, going back into the house. Quite frankly, for a season! I was thinking, \u201cHere I am in a place I don\u2019t like, and it\u2019s because of her.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s her fault.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: It\u2019s her fault!<\/p>\n<p>So, imagine, any time she got excited about something. How do you think I responded? Do you think I said, \u201cOh, I love seeing you happy!\u201d No! Or just anything she would say, I would view through that lens. You know, \u201cCall me for dinner,\u201d and that was manipulative. So, if one of those times\u2014it\u2019s just so important: what filter are we putting on our spouse. What are you telling yourself about your spouse, because you\u2019re going to live like it\u2019s true?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh! I\u2019ve done the same thing, while mowing the grass, actually! I remember to this day\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And by the way, Ted, I mow the grass, too. It isn\u2019t just Ann! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This was back in the day when you were gone so much. I remember Dave was in the house. I actually like mowing the grass, but in my head, I was mowing the grass, and here\u2019s my thought: \u201cI do everything around here! What does he do!?\u201d And then I start logging in my head: \u201cWhat does he actually do around here?\u201d And I was thinking, \u201cI do this, and this, and this. I\u2019m not sure he does anything!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Oh.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Then, when I\u2019m treating him like, \u201cWell, you\u2019re selfish!\u201d That\u2019s what I say in my head. \u201cYou know why? Because he\u2019s self-centered. He never sees me, and he\u2019s all about himself.\u201d And I really did treat you like that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Do you want me to comment? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: But I will say\u2014I will say\u2014that the one time that I said that, I felt like God was saying\u2014here\u2019s what I felt that He impressed on me: \u201cDo you like mowing the grass?\u201d I said, \u201cI actually do. Yes, I like it.\u201d And I felt like He was saying, \u201cThen why do you keep complaining?\u201d And I was, in my head, constantly complaining about Dave.<\/p>\n<p>Then, actually, it gradually started coming out, and I would complain to him incessantly. And you\u2019re saying it all starts with our minds.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: It does! Again, your thoughts are not your actions or your attitudes, but they lead to both. It postures you. Scripture\u2019s so clear about being careful with your thoughts. So, one of the things I point couples to, you know, if you\u2019re thinking like this. If you think, \u201cMy spouse is manipulative,\u201d or \u201cMy spouse is selfish or self-centered,\u201d or whatever that label that you\u2019ve put\u2014negative label that you\u2019ve put\u2014onto them, you take Philippians 4:8. He\u2019s very clear! \u201cHere\u2019s what you think about!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He says, \u201cFinally, brothers and sisters.\u201d In other words, \u201cHere\u2019s the last thing I want to tell you. Before I leave, brothers and sisters, whatever\u2019s true.\u201d And the reason I love it being \u201ctrue\u201d is, every time I talk about, you know, seeing your spouse in a positive light, there\u2019s always the pushback of, \u201cThis is denial. Does this mean I can\u2019t talk about things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cIs this just rose-colored glasses?\u201d And it starts with truth. So, again, if someone\u2019s being abused or hurt, the truth is, that\u2019s got to stop!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: There\u2019s nothing more true than that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Get safe! Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: So, if somebody\u2019s listening and that\u2019s the case, get safe immediately!<\/p>\n<p>But for most of us, it\u2019s not so extreme. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, what\u2019s true is he\u2019s working a ton right now. What\u2019s true is\u2014okay, he really does \u2018x, y, z.\u2019 What\u2019s true is I like to mow.\u201d So, for us, in that situation, what was true is we both decided to move. What\u2019s also true is I\u2019m having a harder time with it than she is. It says, \u201cWhatever\u2019s true, whatever\u2019s noble.\u201d Well, let me tell you what\u2019s noble: we got married when I was 25, and she was 23. She leaves her whole life; she moves 2,500 miles to join my life; my friends. She had to drive 45 minutes one way to work. She left a Master\u2019s degree program and had to start it there. [She] lost a couple classes of credit, so she\u2019s going to class. She joined my life for five years!<\/p>\n<p>We get back and I\u2019m, you know, having a hard time adjusting, and all of the sudden, she\u2019s manipulative? Come on! What\u2019s noble is that 23-year-old lady who did that for me, right? So, you say, \u201cOkay, what is nobble?\u201d \u201cWhatever is pure, whatever is right, whatever is lovely; if there\u2019s anything worthy of praise.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, if someone\u2019s having a really hard time with their spouse\u2014I mean, I\u2019m talking about, \u201cUgh! They\u2019re driving me crazy!\u201d and some of it is so valid; some of it is absolutely so valid that they\u2019re not doing the things that they need to be doing or they\u2019re just driving you crazy, it says, \u201cIf anything is excellent or praiseworthy.\u201d If they\u2019re wiping something or somebody, start there! If they\u2019re flushing, start there. You have to bring the bar down so low for a little bit, and then you start looking in that way.<\/p>\n<p>What it does is, it postures us to love them in a way we can\u2019t love them on our own. You know, when you were talking about how you felt like the Lord said, \u201cWhy are you complaining? Don\u2019t you like to mow?\u201d I was not listening to Him. I was not listening for Him to reposture me at that time.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: It took me too long. It didn\u2019t happen on the same day [I was] mowing, right? It took forever! I didn\u2019t even know what was going on. So, what it does is, it calms the brain, it calms the mind, and it helps you to focus and see them like you hope they\u2019re seeing you.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Or you feel like they even should see you, right? It just changes things.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes. And the question would be: how do you get your mind to change if it\u2019s tending to go negative? Because when you said, \u201cwhat is true,\u201d it would be easy to say, \u201cWell, it\u2019s true that she is selfish!\u201d [Laughter] Rather than, \u201cIt\u2019s true that I am selfish.\u201d You know, even when I said to that woman, \u201cYes, that\u2019s easy to answer: selfishness,\u201d she couldn\u2019t see it in herself. We all do that! So, we have to sometimes change. I loved the stats in your book, where you [say] the average person [has] 12-60,000 thoughts a day and 80% of them are negative!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That was crazy to me!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: That\u2019s crazy, because we do it [about] ourselves, but we do it on our spouse.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So, how do you change that?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Our brains are wired to protect ourselves; to look out for trouble. Our brain\u2019s not naturally wired to look for the positive.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: It truly is a rewiring of the brain; it\u2019s new neural pathways. And we\u2019ve seen this happen in other areas of our lives, like when our life changes in terms of things like exercise or work. You know, you can just use a few guiding thoughts\u2014a few intentional thoughts\u2014where you think, \u201cYou know, if I would look at this situation through this lens, then it could really change things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>We see that\u2014you know, there\u2019s a great book by John Acuff called Soundtracks, and he talks about that from a career perspective.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: He just has people to repeat ten things in the morning out loud in the mirror, and ten things at night out loud and in the mirror. The results of that have been staggering to people\u2019s productivity. All it is, is a rewiring and a [new] thought process. So, because I\u2019m a fixer, I\u2019m more of a natural\u2014I\u2019m going to look for a problem, and I\u2019m going to try to fix it!<\/p>\n<p>That is not my natural wiring. That\u2019s the thing with all of this; I\u2019ve had to rewire my brain from the way I\u2019m naturally wired. But again, it\u2019s looking at their face, because another study\u2014and we talked about this in the last episode\u2014[showed] when you have eye contact with your spouse, it creates empathy in your brain for them.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Just by looking at them?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Just by looking! It creates\u2014think about all the times when you\u2019re frustrated with your spouse. I know I\u2019ll look down at the kitchen counter; I\u2019ll look at the floor; I\u2019ll look at the sky; you know? And it\u2019s harder to say those things to their face. For us, a lot of this, in the last few years, has just made our marriage so much stronger and so much more relaxed; that\u2019s the other word. It\u2019s just been easier, quite frankly.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think this is so smart. I\u2019ve talked to women, and I\u2019ve shared some of these same things, because I\u2019ve done it wrongly for so many years. At one conference, this woman came up to me at the end, and she said, \u201cYou said to find the positive about your husband and start thinking about those things.\u201d She said, \u201cThere is nothing! I can\u2019t think of one thing that is good about him.\u201d I remember saying, \u201cBut you married him, because you saw something in him. So, it might be that you have to go back to those things.\u201d She said, \u201cSo, you want me to lie?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But I like what you said: \u201cIt\u2019s a positive illusion.\u201d It\u2019s what you used to think about him! Start reminding yourself, and reminding him, of those things. So, there are little acts. I told her, and I tell women, \u201cYou might not feel like saying it. Your emotions might not be there at first; but they might come later. Maybe not, but it\u2019s that act of being obedient; of seeing the greatness and then saying those things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: So good!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s so helpful.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean, here\u2019s my question to the wife (and it could be the husband) of a spouse who\u2019s really hurt them: \u201cHow do I change my thoughts, think positively about the man who had an affair? A woman who\u2019s broken her promises? And is still continuing to make promises, but never live up to them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Is not repentant.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, you know, it\u2019s a deep hurt and wound. \u201cI love him. I still want to make this marriage work, but I\u2019m having a hard time believing positive [things] when all the evidence keeps coming back negative.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I think the reality, when you start with whatever\u2019s true; whatever\u2019s true may be, \u201cHey, the thing I can see the best in is that the two of us need to go talk to somebody.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cWe need to invite a pastor, or we need to invite a counselor. What\u2019s true is, I can\u2019t do this anymore. What\u2019s true is, I can\u2019t let you hurt me like this anymore. What\u2019s true is, if you do, I don\u2019t know where we\u2019re going to head. That\u2019s what\u2019s true. I love you, but this can\u2019t be.\u201d So, I think that\u2019s when you invite wisdom into it.<\/p>\n<p>So many times, the two of us have created pain for each other, and frustration. And sometimes that\u2019s way more one-sided than the other. And I know somebody\u2019s listening, and that\u2019s really hard. I think sometimes, the strength of the truth of that situation is, you need to bring in a third party.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: And don\u2019t wait until you\u2019re all done. Don\u2019t wait until apathy comes, because then, you\u2019re in trouble.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Or hopelessness.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Or hopelessness! Oh, when I see a couple come in, and one of them is apathetic or hopeless, and the other one\u2019s still fighting, I\u2019m like, \u201cOh, you\u2019ve gotten into that.\u201d So many people won\u2019t go see a counselor until their spouse says, \u201cI\u2019m all done.\u201d Don\u2019t wait until then! Don\u2019t wait until then.<\/p>\n<p>So, I don\u2019t want anybody to put themselves in harm\u2019s way; and I don\u2019t think any of this is about somebody not speaking what\u2019s true of the situation. It starts with that. But it\u2019s truth and grace. Say, \u201cI love you. I want to make this work; but we\u2019ve been trying, and we\u2019re not doing a great job here, and we need to talk to somebody.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I was amazed at the statistics, saying the best marriages are couples who, the spouse might think better of them. How would I say that?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Than they do themselves.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That was mind-blowing to me! Dave, I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s what you do.\u201d I feel\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Wow! Look at this!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No!<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Are you kidding me!?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I feel like you\u2019ve always had me higher than I thought of myself. I marvel at it, like, \u201cI\u2019m way worse than you think I am, dude!\u201d You know? [Laughter] But I think that that has always been so sweet to me. And, statistically, you\u2019re saying that shows up.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: The research is so clear about this. And this study is actually 10-12 years old, where there was a group of psychologists that said, \u201cHey, it feels like we do a lot of research on couples that are struggling, and then we basically say, \u2018Don\u2019t do that.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Or \u201cdo the opposite of that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: And you say, \u201cWell, wait a minute! What if a great marriage is not the opposite of one that\u2019s struggling? What if it\u2019s different, like everything else?\u201d You know, a great church is not the opposite of one that\u2019s struggling; it\u2019s different. A great football coach is not the opposite of one that\u2019s struggling; they\u2019re different! So, they did an enormous study in the United States and the United Kingdom, and they came back, and they said, \u201cIt turns out, our hunch was correct.\u201d Because, [for] the ones that were struggling, the commonality was, \u201cI don\u2019t feel understood.\u201d So, everybody went, \u201cOh! Well, communication, communication, communication! You\u2019ve got to have a firm grasp of reality in strengths and weaknesses!\u201d Which would make sense. They said, \u201cThat\u2019s logical, but that\u2019s wrong!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The only common denominator in couples that reported the highest level of marital satisfaction\u2014they were basically given a spousal report card and told, \u201cRank your spouse,\u201d in categories like generosity, kindness, and loyalty; and the ones that were happiest were the ones who ranked their spouse highest in every category than their spouse had ranked themselves. So, I think it\u2019s made up of, you know, \u201cIf you could only see you like I see you!\u201d I mean, we know those couples, right?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Ted: We know them! And the crazy thing is, we can be them. We really can start to say, \u201cWhoa! Let\u2019s pull back. Let\u2019s not just talk about things when we\u2019re mad about things. Let\u2019s pull back, and let\u2019s think when our brains are wired to do it.\u201d This is where you invite Jesus into this thing, and say, \u201cHelp me see them like you see them!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cBecause I see them like I\u2019m seeing them, through my own selfishness and my frustrations and my weaknesses. How do You see this person?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: How have you done that with Nancy? What\u2019s that look like?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: You know, we\u2019ve been teaching this Philippians 4:8 thing for so long.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I think it\u2019s when I run through the lens of that, and also, sometimes the things that can drive us the craziest about our spouse\u2014our lives are really benefiting a lot from that. My wife is very, very organized. She\u2019s always organizing the finances, and it just makes our lives run better. There are four kids at our house. There are a lot of people in our home! So, it runs more smoothly because of that. And she would say\u2014and she does when she speaks with me: \u201cHe\u2019s always wanting to go somewhere or do something.\u201d She said, \u201cI\u2019m thinking, \u2018Are you kidding me!? We\u2019ve got this and this and this\u2014\u2018.\u201d She said, \u201cAren\u2019t you aware of what\u2019s going down in our home right now? You\u2019re talking about going on date night, and we have blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!\u201d You know? She says, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll go.\u201d Then she says, \u201cOh, I\u2019m so glad we went!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think it\u2019s those things of looking at, even the things you struggle with, and saying, \u201cOkay, but how is my life radically impacted for the positive in this way?\u201d Then, really look at those you\u2019re just endeared toward.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I mean, I look at her, and she is still the cutest human I\u2019ve ever seen in my life!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s so sweet.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: And I don\u2019t say that because I should. I see her like I did on our first date. She still blows me away when she walks\u2014You know, I hear all the appliances going on in the bathroom and stuff. [Laughter] And I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, man!\u201d She walks out, and I think, \u201cIf this doesn\u2019t make you believe in Jesus! Her marrying me!\u201d [Laughter] \u201cI don\u2019t know what does!\u201d But it\u2019s looking at them and seeing them, saying, \u201cWow!\u201d You know, on holidays and different things like that, there\u2019s Mother\u2019s Day where you focus; you stop, and you start thinking about all that they do. Even in your quiet time, thinking, \u201cI\u2019m going to think about them, and not just about me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: We\u2019re going to hear more from Dave Wilson here in just a second, but first, pause and appreciate your spouse in those quiet moments. Look, really look, at him or her and reflect on all that God has blessed you with in your spouse. I\u2019ve found that thankfulness is often the antidote to so many negative feelings in life. So, I personally want to be thankful for my spouse.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ted Lowe on FamilyLife Today. Ted has written a book called Us in Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage. You know, this book is going to help you discover simple ways of rethinking how you see your marriage, utilizing Scripture, research, and neuroscience. You can find a copy at FamilyLifeToday.com. Scroll down and click on \u201cToday\u2019s Resources.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, I have an honest question for you: how would you rate your marriage on a scale of 1-10? Well, that number may genuinely scare you or make you excited, but regardless of where you are, I encourage you to check out FamilyLife\u2019s Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway. Here\u2019s what a wife of 27 years said about her experience at the Weekend to Remember; she said this:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI found my best friend again. Just getting away together and focusing on us was just what we needed. The sessions were timed perfectly, ordered intentionally, and I felt a new hope going home.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s beautiful! You know, we\u2019ve been doing this for the last 40 years, and we\u2019ve seen so many marriages impacted for the glory of God and the health of relationships. We want to see that for you, too! Now through September 18th, registrations are 50% off. So, don\u2019t wait! Visit WeekendtoRemember.com, find a date and location that works for you, and save 50%. Your marriage is worth it!<\/p>\n<p>Alright, here\u2019s Dave Wilson on appreciating your spouse:<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I told Ann years ago that when I go outside to speak and minister and do things, I feel like I get cheered. When I come home, I feel like I get \u201cbooed.\u201d That story became this classic moment in our marriage. It changed our marriage, because I really did feel like that. It was like, \u201cWow! They think I\u2019m good out there! They tell me I\u2019m good.\u201d Whether I am or not, it doesn\u2019t matter. I just feel [good]. Then, when I came home, I feel like, \u201cShe thinks I\u2019m bad!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And Ted, he told this story in front of 100 people. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Whatever! I never said it to her. I did not say it to her in our family room.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: So, wait! This story\u2019s still in process!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No, no! It was a long time ago, but I\u2019m just saying\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It was decades ago, but the reason I\u2019m bringing it up is just to remind our listeners that what you said happened in our marriage over decades. She, first of all, was shocked. She said, \u201cI\u2019m not booing you. I\u2019m helping you! I\u2019m pointing out things.\u201d But over time, what happened\u2014and our son said it once in a sermon; he was up there preaching. And when your son says something, you\u2019re like, \u201cWow! That was profound!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll never forget it. He said, \u201cWhen you see your spouse the way God sees your spouse, you will say to your spouse what God says to your spouse.\u201d It was one of those [things] like, \u201cWait, wait! I\u2019ve got to write that down!\u201d And it was like, \u201cGod\u2019s looking at your spouse and saying, \u2018I created you in My image! You\u2019re a beautiful daughter of the King.\u2019\u201d And we often do the opposite: \u201cYou\u2019re a loser!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>She started speaking life to me, Ted, like, \u201cYou\u2019re a good man. You\u2019re a good husband.\u201d At first, I said, \u201cYou\u2019re lying! You\u2019ve never said that before!\u201d All I know is, she never stopped! And 42 years in, this woman believes in me more than I believe in myself; everything you just said. I think we\u2019re madly in love, and it\u2019s because of what you just said. So, all I want to say to our listeners is: your marriage can be transformed by God!<\/p>\n<p>Again, it starts in your mind, when you start to see what God sees; you start to speak what God speaks. It will change your marriage. It\u2019s \u201cUs in Mind!\u201d It\u2019s exactly your title! Changing your thoughts can change your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And I would just add, Dave, it is possible, because Jesus does that. You know, He transforms, as Romans 12:2 says, \u201cto be transformed by the renewing of our minds,\u201d and that\u2019s what He does! He renews our minds for our spouse.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Now, coming up tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are back again with Ted Lowe. He\u2019s going to talk about negative self-talk and the impact it can have on your perception of yourself and other people. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We\u2019ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280447","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280447"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280447"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280447"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280447"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280447"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280447"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280447"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}