{"id":280446,"date":"2023-09-06T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-06T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/"},"modified":"2025-05-06T16:58:23","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T20:58:23","slug":"your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Negative Self Talk\u2013and Your Marriage: Ted Lowe"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Your negative self-talk: It&#8217;s sabotaging your marriage\u2014and you may not know how deeply. Author Ted Lowe gets real about identifying and confronting the dark side within.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><strong fetchpriority=\"high\"><em>&#8220;I cannot tell you the number of times, standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions at a NFL game over 33 seasons, that we get in the fourth quarter, it\u2019s a close game, and I would have this thought: &#8216;Our team does not believe when the game\u2019s on the line we have what it takes to win. That\u2019s the difference between winners and losers, is you don\u2019t believe it, and your self-prophecy comes true.&#8217; And we don\u2019t.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Again, I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s the only reason we lost so many games, but I remember in 1991 when we went almost\u2014one game from the Super Bowl, you could feel the opposite. It was like, \u201cWe believe!\u201d I really believe that teams that win believe it before they actually do it, and I think it applies to marriage. &#8220;<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>&#8212; Dave Wilson<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Your negative self-talk: It&#8217;s sabotaging your marriage\u2014and you may not know how deeply. Author Ted Lowe gets real about identifying and confronting the dark side within. &#8220;I cannot tell you the number of times, standing on the sideline with the Detroit L&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/59ea89c6-1095-4fa8-86ac-b154011dd1f4\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:36","filesize":"25.31M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-09-06 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2257],"podcast_series":[8673],"cwp_profile":[9887],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280446","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-negative-self-talk","podcast_series-us-in-mind-change-your-thoughts-change-your-marriage-ted-lowe","cwp_profile-ted-lowe","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280446\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280446\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Hb0PdcU1MA\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/\">Your Negative Self Talk\u2013and Your Marriage: Ted Lowe<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/your-negative-self-talk-and-your-marriage-ted-lowe\/embed\/#?secret=Hb0PdcU1MA\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Your Negative Self Talk\u2013and Your Marriage: Ted Lowe&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Hb0PdcU1MA\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Your negative self-talk: It's sabotaging your marriage\u2014and you may not know how deeply. Author Ted Lowe gets real about identifying and confronting the dark side within. \"I cannot tell you the number of times, standing on the sideline with the Detroit L...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Connect with Ted Lowe at <a href=\"http:\/\/tedlowe.com\/\">tedlowe.com<\/a><br \/>\nRevitalize your marriage: 50% off Weekend to Remember Getaways, Sep 4-18! Strengthen bonds, create lasting memories Learn more at <a href=\"http:\/\/weekendtoremember.com\/\">weekendtoremember.com<\/a><br \/>\nIntrigued by today's episode? Go deeper into how to care well for your spouse and their emotions with\u00a0FamilyLife Today episode, <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-anxiety-hits-your-marriage-dr-ed-welch\/\">When Anxiety Hits Your Marriage with Dr. Ed Welch<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-09-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Your Negative Self Talk\u2014and Your Marriage<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Ted Lowe<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Us in Mind: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Marriage<\/p>\n<p>(Day 3 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:September 6, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I cannot tell you the number of times, standing on the sideline with the Detroit Lions at a NFL game over 33 seasons, that we get in the fourth quarter, it\u2019s a close game, and I would have this thought: \u201cOur team does not believe when the game\u2019s on the line we have what it takes to win. That\u2019s the difference between winners and losers, is you don\u2019t believe it, and your self-prophecy comes true.\u201d And we don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Again, I\u2019m not saying that\u2019s the only reason we lost so many games, but I remember in 1991 when we went almost\u2014one game from the Super Bowl, you could feel the opposite. It was like, \u201cWe believe!\u201d I really believe that teams that win believe it before they actually do it, and I think it applies to marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Well, I\u2019ll take you, let\u2019s say even 15 years ago, 20 years ago. I\u2019m getting dressed and I would put on a pair of pants and they\u2019d be too tight, and here\u2019s what I\u2019d say. \u201cLook at what you\u2019ve done to yourself. You\u2019re so fat. You\u2019re ugly, too, and if you would have some self-control maybe you could get control of your life. You don\u2019t even have a life. What in the world are you doing? You\u2019re a fake.\u201d Now do you think those thoughts affected my life, my marriage?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019m married to you. I know those thoughts. I\u2019ve heard them. So, obviously, if you can\u2019t tell, today we\u2019re talking about your mind and how that impacts your marriage. We have the mind expert, Ted Lowe. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Oh, don\u2019t call me that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We could almost see his mind, because there\u2019s nothing to block us. [Laughter] You\u2019re just like me; our minds are right there because we don\u2019t have any hair. Your book, Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage\u2014we\u2019ve sort of developed this thought, but that\u2019s what you discovered, right? How we think impacts everything, especially our marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Absolutely. We\u2019ve said it a couple times already, but our thoughts are not our actions or our attitudes, but they lead to both, and that includes how we think about ourselves. In fact, when we were talking earlier, this chapter almost did not make the book. It begins with the question of \u201cWhat do you think about yourself?\u201d because it\u2019s been such a struggle in my own life.<\/p>\n<p>And then I thought, \u201cHow in the world does this impact marriage?\u201d I knew how it was, but I thought, \u201cI think I may be the only one that has this level of struggle with how I think about myself.\u201d In fact, I call him \u201cFred in my head.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: How did you come up with \u201cFred in my head\u201d besides that it rhymes?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I have no idea. I wish there was an origin story other than randomness, but I don\u2019t know. Nancie used to say to me, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d and I would say, \u201cIt\u2019s tough to be in here.\u201d So I just gave him a name. I said, \u201cFred in my head is being a jerk today.\u201d I started realizing in looking at all the research that how you think about yourself impacts who you are. It impacts everything, including your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>For so long I\u2019d have these thoughts, or Fred would be giving me these thoughts, and I just thought they were true, and they would guide my life. Despite it all, I was able to get married, have kids, write books, speak, all the while his voice being louder at some times than others. People say, \u201cIs Fred the devil?\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cHmmm. He\u2019s at least a highly compensated employee.\u201d I don\u2019t know about that, but I do know that his voice is hateful and hurtful to me and has been even since a little kid.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: What did Fred say to you? I know Fred is you, but what were you saying to yourself?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: If people only really knew, because it was really strange. We started doing ministry. I say I went from frat house to church house in weeks, a radical transformation of the Lord. I started as a youth pastor, and the next thing I know I\u2019m working in a large church in California and we\u2019re on stage in front of thousands of people, walking down the steps going, \u201cNobody cares. That wasn\u2019t good. Who do you think you are?\u201d There\u2019s no category that he doesn\u2019t come after me about in some time and fashion.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: So what do you do with Fred in the head?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: So there\u2019s an exercise that\u2019s been around 30, 40 years. Daniel Amen popularized it and called it ANTs. It\u2019s Automatic Negative Thoughts. The exercise begins with naming your Fred. By just naming him, it separates him from you. It\u2019s a little bit, fun, too, but it\u2019s like \u201cWait a minute.\u201d When I hear that it\u2019s coming from another voice and not my own, and certainly not God, okay, now I\u2019m thinking, \u201cNow, well wait a minute. This is another person.\u201d So that helped tremendously.<\/p>\n<p>And then you write down those thoughts. \u201cYou\u2019re never going to be able to pull this off.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re not as good at that as you think you are.\u201d \u201cYour wife is frustrated with you.\u201d Whatever those things are, you write those things down, and then there are categories. Like Fred has all kinds of side hustles. He\u2019s a fortune teller. \u201cOhhh, this is going to go really, really bad for you.\u201d So a fortune teller.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s a mind reader. You\u2019ll leave a conversation with somebody and he\u2019ll go, \u201cOh, I don\u2019t think they liked me. I could tell they didn\u2019t.\u201d They were probably just having a tough day with tacos, but you make it all about you. There\u2019s the labeling. \u201cYou are so fat. Look what you have done to yourself. Shame.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or he\u2019s a shamer. He\u2019s a guilter, and then he\u2019s also a convincer. \u201cGo and do that thing,\u201d that\u2019s going to give you a few moments of relief. \u201cGo ahead. It\u2019s fine. It\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cGo hide somewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cGo hide somewhere. Go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: In your addiction or your overeating, in your pleasure.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cYou go.\u201d Exactly. \u201cYou go hide.\u201d And then it immediately becomes, \u201cOh, you\u2019re never going to be forgiven for that.\u201d I started getting so much relief from this, because mine used to be after speaking. I\u2019d be walking to the car. It would be\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This was me, too.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cI can\u2019t believe you said \u2018XYZ.\u2019 You didn\u2019t prep enough. People gave you their time, and you should have done more.\u201d And then, all the way home in the airplane, and then for a couple of days after, and you\u2019d try to shake it off.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is totally my Fred too, in terms of speaking over the years. Years ago, constant.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Yes! And you think, \u201cOkay.\u201d Don\u2019t you think that breaks the heart of God? Because here\u2019s the problem: Fred\u2019s voice becomes louder than the voice of God.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: That should terrify us, from a faith perspective, to say, \u201cHe went through so much to show us how loved we are, how cherished we are, how worthy we are, and yet we listen to this voice that seems to be destined to just pull our worth.\u201d Does that make me a better speaker or a worse speaker? What\u2019s been so profound is after you categorize them then you say, \u201cWhat would my Abba Father say to me?\u201d He said, \u201cThe spirit I gave you is not one of fear so you live as a slave again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I looked up that word, \u201cspirit.\u201d It\u2019s actually lower case, and it means \u201cdominant frame of mind.\u201d \u201cThe dominant frame of mind I have given you is not one that lives in fear as a slave again. The spirit I gave you, you received. I brought about your adoption into sonship, and by Him we cry, \u2018Abba.\u2019\u201d In other words, it\u2019s not one of fear, it\u2019s one of His family, and you think about Abba Father, the perfect father, not just Abba. That means \u201cdaddy.\u201d A lot of people hear that and think, \u201cOh, that\u2019s not a good image for me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It\u2019s not reverent enough.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Well, you blend those two words. The perfect Heavenly Father is the one that we praise and the one when we see the ocean throw our heads back and go, \u201cWow! I have no place for this.\u201d But it\u2019s also the intimacy combined. So I just think about my Abba Who went through so much to have a relationship with me, and then me walking to the car instead of Him saying, \u201cHey, bud. You gave your best. I think that may matter to people.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When I knew this had made a difference in my life, we had spoken at this retreat. Fred used to, right before I\u2019d speak would just be sitting there with me, saying, \u201cYou didn\u2019t prep enough. You haven\u2019t done enough.\u201d But there\u2019s a picture, and somebody\u2014I didn\u2019t know they were talking it\u2014I\u2019m smiling before I\u2019m going up to speak during praise and worship. It meant so much to me because I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a change in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now here, let me say this: I felt so much relief from this that I thought it was done. I know that sounds ridiculous. I know it does. I thought it was done, so then the book released and the video series released, and Fred says, \u201cLook at this. You\u2019re so anxious. You know what? This doesn\u2019t even work for you, and you\u2019ve just shouted to the world that it does. You know what you\u2019ve done? You\u2019ve publicized false hope.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I sat in that for over a month. I\u2019ve never been more depressed in my life as I was during that, going, \u201cLook what you have done. You\u2019ve told them it was easy. You\u2019ve told them they can hear from Abba and they cannot.\u201d I was devastated and I thought, \u201cWell, maybe I should do the Fred exercise again,\u201d and I listed 47 things. 47 things. I\u2019ve learned it\u2019s a process. I had to sit down with the Lord this morning, and I listed 22 things, because right before you\u2019re going to do something like this is when he just comes after me.<\/p>\n<p>Nancie would say, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cI need to do some Fred work,\u201d and know when I do it\u2019s going to matter, because that\u2019s when I can hear Abba with me again, and it\u2019s tender. I want that for people so badly. So many people come up afterwards and tell me, \u201cOh, I have a Fred.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I had a guy who was about 75 years old. He was a millionaire for sure; could have been a billionaire. He said, \u201cMy Fred\u2019s been mean to me my whole life.\u201d And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Now how do you process that in regards to your marriage, and maybe even as a dad or a mom, the Fred in the head?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Let\u2019s say somebody\u2019s leaving work, and they have to go by and pick up the kids before they get home and meet their spouse. On the way to pick up the kids, Fred\u2019s saying, \u201cOh, that meeting didn\u2019t go so well for you, did it? I could tell so-and-so is frustrated with you. You know, I\u2019ve heard there are layoffs. Mmm. If I\u2019m them, it\u2019s you\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p>swirling around.<\/p>\n<p>You pick up the kids. You\u2019re exhausted. You see them. You\u2019re thinking you\u2019re not going to be able to provide for those kids, and you get home, and you see your spouse, and you walk in with all those insecure thoughts. How do you think they\u2019re going to receive you at that moment? Are you happy to see them? Are you a good listener? Are you affectionate? No, because you\u2019ve been hanging out with a jerk all afternoon.<\/p>\n<p>I mean, if we had a friend like that, first of all we\u2019d get a new friend. But if there was somebody in our life that just constantly did that\u2014the only person that knows what\u2019s going to happen in the future is God, so anybody that\u2019s telling you otherwise is lying to you.<\/p>\n<p>So what Nancy has to experience is somebody that doesn\u2019t need her to be God, that doesn\u2019t need her to counteract everything Fred says, because she can\u2019t do that. That\u2019s too much pressure for her to counter it. And she tried. Even when she tries, she can\u2019t. So what she\u2019s gotten to experience is somebody who feels like they\u2019re loved and secure, therefore more present for her. I\u2019m more available for her. She\u2019s not worried about me as much, and I\u2019m settled.<\/p>\n<p>You know, when you listen to podcasts you can listen to them at different speeds. Like here\u2019s what I know: There\u2019s a personality like me, they are listening to it at\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Two times.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Yes, two times. Until I got on here, and then they had to back it up to 0.75. [Laughter] But I think for me, I was always living life at 1.25, wanting to just always, and I think it\u2019s slowing me down, which has made me more present. And this exercise seems so silly that people don\u2019t believe it works and they don\u2019t even do it.<\/p>\n<p>But I think what I\u2019ve found through the whole book, even though there\u2019s neuroscience in it, even though there\u2019s a lot of research in it, is what it all boiled down to was simplicity, that this way is really the simplest, cleanest, easiest, purist thoughts of your head. Satan is the author of confusion, and Abba through this is just like this: [deep breath] I can breathe!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I want to go through that whole process, but I\u2019m just going to say, speaking to women over the years, a majority of us are living in these ugly places. We\u2019ve been listening to Fred for so long that it\u2019s just so normal that we don\u2019t even realize that he\u2019s been speaking to us for years. It reminds me of John 10:10 where Jesus says, \u201cThe thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I look at that and I think he starts with us in our minds and in our heads, and I love that Jesus said, \u201cBut I have come to give you life, and live it to the full.\u201d What I\u2019ve done, actually, is I got into this dog cage, because this is what it felt like for me. I felt like I was in bondage. I\u2019m in bondage to Fred in my head. Honestly, I just did this this week. I got inside of this dog cage and I said\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: On the stage. She\u2019s speaking now. Not in our family room.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. But I get in this dog cage and I say, \u201cI am so tired of being in this cage of listening to the lies of Satan and the past pain of \u201cYou can\u2019t do it. You\u2019ll never do it. You\u2019ve tried it before and it never works.\u201d I think so many women are saying, \u201cYes.\u201d And Jesus said, \u201cI came to set the captive free,\u201d so He opens the door. He says, \u201cDaughter, come out. Son, lift up your head.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But I was thinking when you said, Dave, \u201cHow does it affect your family?\u201d What happens is I get so inside my head, that my head goes down, and I can\u2019t see the people around me because I\u2019m so in bondage to Fred. I love the Fred part. It\u2019s just easy to talk about that. So for me, that\u2019s been a process, too, and I feel like I\u2019m on this mission. We need to set people free because they don\u2019t\u2019 even know they\u2019re in bondage. They\u2019ve just been living it for so long.<\/p>\n<p>So as I was reading your stuff, like \u201cYes! Amen! Do it!\u201d And Dave has lived with it for years. I\u2019d get done speaking; I\u2019d go into hiding. \u201cThat was awful.\u201d And Dave would get done and I would say, \u201cHow are you so free? How can you be so free?\u201d He said, \u201cI just lay it on the altar, like \u2018Lord, I did my best.\u2019\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, I could lay it there, and then I\u2019m going to pick it up over and over again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: That\u2019s such a powerful image. I think the image that God\u2019s put in my head the most is when I\u2019m praying there\u2019s a place in my mind I go to, that the beach I would go to when we lived in California, when I just really started to fall in love with Jesus. I just have this image of Him having His hands on my face and His forehead to my forehead.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: To people listening that struggle with Fred issues I will say, \u201cYou\u2019re His. He has you by the face. He has His forehead to your forehead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Jesus does. Not Fred.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: Not Fred. Not Fred. He\u2019s so powerless in the light of Who Jesus is.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: When He puts His hands on your face\u2014like if somebody\u2019s listening right now and they\u2019re running or whatever, and they\u2019ve been struggling with Fred\u2014man or woman, He is just saying to you, \u201cBreathe. I have my hands on your face; I have my forehead to your forehead; I\u2019m looking you in the eyes, and you are Mine, and there\u2019s nothing you\u2019re going to do that\u2019s going to make you any less worthy, and there\u2019s nothing you can do to make you more worthy. You are loved and worthy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo one day when you are old, and you\u2019re sitting there not able to accomplish anything, that day does not make you any less worthy than on your most productive day. I have you. You\u2019re Mine. You\u2019re safe, and when you hear voices telling you you\u2019re ugly, that is not from your Abba, I can guarantee it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve learned that for some people there\u2019s a different kind of jerk. It\u2019s everybody else\u2019s fault. What Fred will do, he\u2019ll rob your peace and you can\u2019t hear Abba because he\u2019s telling you why everybody else is wrong. That\u2019s the other thing about it. \u201cWhat if they just don\u2019t listen to you? If they just would do what you say, if she would only\u2014.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>They look at their spouse, and they only see the things that Fred just sitting there is telling them, all the negative things. That\u2019s a different kind of Fred. But you can even bring that to Abba, go \u201cWait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.\u201d I just think the image of simplicity of our Father\u2014. We make life get so complicated, right? It\u2019s just, \u201cI have you. You\u2019re fine. You\u2019re fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I lost my mom when I was ten years old, and I\u2019ve been a little bit anxious ever since that someone is going to break my heart that hard again. I felt alone, and I thought, \u201cIf I\u2019m going to be okay, it\u2019s going to be because I make it okay.\u201d I never want to hear that kind of news again. And I\u2019ve heard that news again, and it almost knocked me out. So even those who have gone through tremendous pain, where you feel like, \u201cIf I don\u2019t figure this out, if I don\u2019t do all this, then it\u2019s not going to be and it\u2019s all going to fall apart.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s the illusion of the control that we\u2019ve never had. He\u2019s going, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to control this. You don\u2019t have to control this, buddy. I\u2019ve got this. You\u2019re fine.\u201d Just to feel loved. I just want people to feel loved by Him because He loves them so much.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I believe the two beliefs that change everything, two beliefs that we all hold; I think we make every decision every day of our life based on these two beliefs: theology, identity. Theology is what do I believe about God. Identity is what do I believe about myself. When you were just talking, Ted, I was thinking, \u201cOh, there\u2019s theology. I have a God Who sees me, Who loves me, Whose forehead is with me. He\u2019s with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If I have a God Who is distant, Who is angry, I\u2019m scared. I\u2019m living in fear. But if I have a God Who sees me, gets me, has got me, He\u2019s present, He\u2019s loving, and my identity is I\u2019m His son, I\u2019m His daughter, I\u2019m made in His image\u2014yes, I\u2019m a sinner, but I\u2019m saved by grace\u2014if that\u2019s my identity based on my theology is I\u2019m loved by God, I walk in my home not thinking I\u2019m an unloving husband. I\u2019m actually a loving husband. Why? I\u2019m loved and I can love her.<\/p>\n<p>I can lead my family. I\u2019m a strong, spiritual man. One of my friends, Jamie Winship\u2014we\u2019ve mentioned him before\u2014he says, \u201cWhen you walk in a room knowing your God is the King of the universe, you walk in the room with power and authority, not arrogance. But identity, like God\u2019s going to do something. God just walked in the room. Not that I\u2019m God, but God lives in me, so here we go.<\/p>\n<p>That changes a family. That changes a legacy. That changes the spiritual direction in a home. It puts Fred in the cage and me out of the cage. Freedom, right? I love your thought of that. It\u2019s like take that thought captive. It is of the enemy; reverse that with correct theology and identity and go be the man, be the woman that God\u2019s called you to be. God will move.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I love that. I\u2019m amening everything. That\u2019s so good. And one of the practices that has helped me, and I feel like you\u2018re alluding to this, too, Ted, is I take my thoughts captive. As you said, I start counting them; you write them down. I\u2019ve done some of that, too. \u201cWhat am I believing right now? What am I saying? What is Fred saying to me? What is the enemy saying? So I\u2019ll write them down.<\/p>\n<p>And then\u2014I remember Jamie and Donna did this with me. They said, \u201cJust close your eyes. Use your imagination. I want you to take all those things in your hand, the lies that you\u2019ve been believing that Fred is telling you, and now\u2014\u201d I did the same thing. I pictured Jesus in front of me, and what He was saying. So I pictured myself giving them to Jesus, and He takes them. Then sometimes He\u2019ll do something different to them all the time.<\/p>\n<p>One time He buried it, but the beautiful thing is I remember them saying, \u201cWhat\u2019s it feel like to be free of that?\u201d or \u201cWhat would He say to you through Scripture?\u201d because He\u2019ll speak the things that Scripture would speak to you. So that\u2019s been freeing to me, to just hand them over, bury them, give it to Jesus. You write them out. What do you do to them after you write them?<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I always pray by journaling on my computer. So I wrote all those this morning\u2014Delete. What do you say? \u201cYou get no space in my hard drive on my computer or my little heart. You\u2019re gone. You\u2019re gone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Oh, that\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cI\u2019m not keeping you. Now Abba, what would you say to all of this?\u201d Because I had to categorize them in a general sense, because usually I will write a thought, and there were so many that I had to go, \u201cOkay, I think I hear you being a fortune teller, I hear you being a labeler, I hear you being a shamer. There are just so many of you. Delete. Alright, Abba. What are You saying?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And sometimes it\u2019s even my anxiety. Fred will be saying, \u201cHey, you need to go do this. Now do this. Do this. If you don\u2019t get this done, you\u2019re\u2014\u201d and what I\u2019ve watched is, I\u2019ve watched him change tactics with me. I\u2019ve watched him go from attacking me and labeling and becoming so obvious and when it comes, like \u201cWait, that\u2019s Fred,\u201d and then I started to realize, \u201cOh, he is telling me things about how God feels about me now, that God is mad at me, God is frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a beautiful song by Patrick Mayberry that I played on the way over here. It\u2019s \u201cHow You Love Me.\u201d One of the greatest lines in it, he says, \u201cYou\u2019re not mad and You\u2019re not scary, and all this guilt and shame that I\u2019ve carried is why You died for me.\u201d He says, \u201cCould it really be this simple, that You love me like You say You do?\u201d Come on, it is that simple.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It is.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: The enemy is constantly confusing that. It is this simple. He loves you. So I delete those thoughts.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: That\u2019s good. I think it would be a great homework assignment\u2014it\u2019s a scary one\u2014but even to ask your spouse, \u201cAre there lies that you believe in your head? Is there a Fred?\u201d Explain the Fred in the head. \u201cAre there things that you\u2019re believing that I don\u2019t even know about?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Talk about it as a couple.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And maybe even as a family. I\u2019m thinking our teenagers, our kids in school, they\u2019re little, and they\u2019re starting to believe the Fred in their head. The enemy is after our kids, so just to talk about it openly is something that could be really beneficial to a family. Start out as the mom or dad saying, \u201cThis is something I\u2019ve struggled with,\u201d to let it be known, like \u201cI\u2019ve struggled with this too.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ted: I take my kids with me on speaking events sometimes, and my daughter\u2019s name is Teddy. We call hers \u201cFreddy.\u201d If there\u2019s anybody who has a Freddy in her head, it\u2019s teenage girls. Wow. It\u2019s been a journey with her, but I\u2019ve loved being able to talk about it, to your point.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ted: \u201cHey, baby, that\u2019s not what Jesus says. That\u2019s not Him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Yes, knowing Christ more and more helps make it possible to embrace a positive self-image, not to glorify ourselves, but to know who we are in Christ and treasure the fact that Jesus treasures us. That\u2019s a fantastic perspective. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ted Lowe on FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Ted has written a book called Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. You can pick up a copy of his book at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. Again that\u2019s 800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk truth. Marriage takes work. You can ask your parents, ask your pastor, ask any couple you know. Great marriages don\u2019t just happen. And at FamilyLife\u2019s Weekend to Remember\u00ae marriage getaway, you and your spouse really get the time to intentionally grow with one another. So you may have already heard that Weekend to Remember is now 50 percent off through September 18th, but did you know that also our Weekend to Remember gift cards are 50 percent off, too?<\/p>\n<p>It can sometimes be hard to choose right now where you want to go, so a gift card can allow you to buy now and register for your location later. You may even have another couple in mind who you want to give it to, and these gift cards are a cool way to encourage another husband and wife. All are half off right now through September 18, so you can head over to WeekendtoRemember.com and grab a gift card now.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow Dave and Ann Wilson are in the studio with Howard and Danielle Taylor, talking about the error of prioritizing your career over your marriage. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife\u00ae. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280446","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280446"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280446"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280446"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280446"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}