{"id":280437,"date":"2023-09-19T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-19T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/"},"modified":"2025-05-06T16:48:55","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T20:48:55","slug":"stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/","title":{"rendered":"Stepdad, a.k.a. Unsung Hero: Ron Deal and Gil Stuart"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Stepdad: It can be a role full of landmines&#8211;and at the same time, a role vital and unsung. Author Gil Stuart offers ideas to do it wholeheartedly and all-in within the complexities of your blended family.<\/p>\n<p><strong fetchpriority=\"high\"><em>Reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loyalty to my own children, who I don&#8217;t get to see as much because of the parenting plan, and in that time, I&#8217;m actually connecting with my stepchildren. I&#8217;m actually starting to like them, and they&#8217;re starting to bond with me. In so doing, I actually feel like I&#8217;m betraying my own children. &#8212; Gil Stuart<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Stepdad: It can be a role full of landmines&#8211;and at the same time, a role vital and unsung. Author Gil Stuart offers ideas to do it wholeheartedly and all-in within the complexities of your blended family. Reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loya&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/d8eee8a1-2b24-4c43-9a54-b154011dbc8a\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:54","filesize":"22.83M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-09-19 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2248],"podcast_series":[8677],"cwp_profile":[9781,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280437","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-stepdad","podcast_series-stepdads-a-k-a-unsung-heroes-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","cwp_profile-gil-stuart","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280437\/stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280437\/stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"AqqTv12iPw\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/stepdad-a-k-a-unsung-hero-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/\">Stepdad, a.k.a. 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Author Gil Stuart offers ideas to do it wholeheartedly and all-in within the complexities of your blended family. Reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loya...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>The Summit on StepFamily Ministry; Find out how you and your church can minister to blended families at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">summitonstepfamilies.com<\/a><br \/>\nListen to <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/83-unsung-heroes\/\">the full episode here: Unsung Heroes<\/a><br \/>\nDiscover more <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/marriage\/blended-family\/\">resources on our shop <\/a>and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife <\/a>Blended podcast<br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-09-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Stepdad, aka Unsung Hero<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal and Gil Stuart<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Stepdads, aka Unsung Heroes (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:September 19, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loyalty to my own children, who I don\u2019t get to see as much because of the parenting plan, and in that time, I\u2019m actually connecting with my stepchildren. I\u2019m actually starting to like them, and they\u2019re starting to bond with me. In so doing, I actually feel like I\u2019m betraying my own children.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We just spent a couple days with a couple of unsung heroes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, we did.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean, it\u2019s our son, Austin, and his wife, Kendall; of course, we\u2019re a little biased. We think they\u2019re heroes. They\u2019re unsung heroes because they adopted two kids that we were with for the weekend.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, and they started out fostering these kids; and I don\u2019t think we always give credit to foster parents, adoptive parents, stepparents. All of these people are giving life to children.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I mean, they\u2019re heroes because they step in and fill a role that they don\u2019t have to. I\u2019m not kidding! As I looked over at Holden and Ryder\u2014I mean, they\u2019re too young to know, but I thought, \u201cTheir lives are radically different because of these two heroes, their mom and dad, who have taken them [for life].\u201d And today, we get to talk a little bit about blended families and people who step in to take care of people that they\u2019re a hero to.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Today, we\u2019re going to listen to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast. Ron Deal was talking with Gil Stuart about step-fathering, and ministering to stepdads, which is always a great topic.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: And by the way, we have the Blended Family Summit coming up on October 12th. We\u2019ll tell you later how you can sign up, but you don\u2019t want to miss that, because that\u2019s what it\u2019s all about.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And the event\u2019s also virtual this year, which is great, because you can attend anywhere.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve got Ron Deal with us today. He\u2019s the Director of our FamilyLife Blended ministry, as many of you know, here at FamilyLife. We\u2019re going to listen to a conversation he had with Gil Stuart, who\u2019s a stepfamily educator, coach, and counselor. Gil and his wife, Brenda, have authored a book and a curriculum called Restored and Remarried. They also have a video curriculum for stepfathers called Unsung Heroes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And that\u2019s what we\u2019re going to be talking about today. Even though this discussion is specifically about stepdads, it has a really broad application for all stepparents and also parents.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Okay, Gil, let\u2019s shift and talk a little bit about some of the content you\u2019ve got. Let\u2019s just give guys a bit of a preview. You\u2019ve got seven different main topic sessions. The first one is: \u201cYou\u2019re Not My Dad.\u201d Now, many dads listening are going to say, \u201cYes, I\u2019ve heard that.\u201d Or maybe they haven\u2019t heard those words, but they\u2019ve felt that from their stepchildren. What\u2019s going on, and what do they do about it?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, in that particular episode, \u201cYou\u2019re Not My Dad,\u201d with all of the segments\u2014just to try to give you a heads-up on this, I don\u2019t do this in a studio with green screen. I actually went out, onsite, and had conversations with the camera about the issue. So, this particular topic, \u201cYou\u2019re Not My Dad,\u201d I did in a garage with a buddy of mine who owns two Camaros. I\u2019m not a car guy, but we got down to an illustration.<\/p>\n<p>Here are these two Camaros that are, you know, classic cars. One\u2019s orange; one\u2019s green. They\u2019re the same. I know I\u2019m a dad, but I\u2019m not your dad. So, the perspective here was, they may look the same, but they\u2019re not. Depending on whether the child\u2019s dad is still around, or if they\u2019ve checked out, what kind of dad are you going to be? There\u2019s an opportunity for redeeming the perspective of \u201cwhat is really, truly a dad?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Maybe the biological dad\u2019s doing a great job. Super! If they\u2019re not, here\u2019s your opportunity. I\u2019m just trying to make it really clear with the guys that it might look the same, but it\u2019s not. You might know how to handle a kid, but if it\u2019s your biological child, you\u2019ve got a little more leeway. With stepkids, you\u2019ve got to create relationship before you\u2019re going to get that respect that you think you deserve.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I like what you put in there. When that moment comes, when that child\u2019s looking at you like, \u201cHey, you\u2019re not my dad! You\u2019ve got nothing on me!\u201d You suggest sort of a line, or maybe we would call it a posture. You may not even say this to the child, but you sort of carry the posture of, \u201cI agree. I\u2019m not your dad. That\u2019s factually true; but I am your mother\u2019s husband.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: What does that lend to a stepdad in that moment that he didn\u2019t have, if he can\u2019t lean on his wife and his marriage?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: It\u2019s a posture of humility: \u201cThis is the role that I am in.\u201d And hopefully\u2014hopefully\u2014 this is where the wives listen in and say, \u201cWhoa! I\u2019ve got to have my husband\u2019s back! Because if I don\u2019t, he\u2019s a hero out in the middle of the battlefield, being a dad, and he\u2019s getting shot up!\u201d No wonder he\u2019s a little\u2014I don\u2019t know how to say this lightly; no wonder he\u2019s a little worked up!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: This is where it\u2019s an appeal to the guys: stand your ground, but do it gently and firmly. Be relentless; that\u2019s a heroic stance. \u201cI am your mother\u2019s husband,\u201d gives me a little bit of a position of authority, but if it\u2019s not backed up by mom, I\u2019m a little handcuffed.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You\u2019re right. It pulls back to that partnership between husband and wife, and how they work together and support each other. The second session is what you call \u201cReverse Betrayal,\u201d not getting time with your own kids. Do you want to explain that a little bit?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loyalty to my own children, who I don\u2019t get to see as much because of the parenting plan, and in that time, I\u2019m actually connecting with my stepchildren. I\u2019m actually starting to like them, and they\u2019re starting to bond with me. In so doing, I actually feel like I\u2019m betraying my own children.<\/p>\n<p>That is like a major knot! How can I do this and do that at the same time? Realizing that I am now in somewhat of a situation that, if I start showing love and affection and connection with my stepkids, I\u2019m actually\u2014and I hate to say it this way, but I\u2019m actually\u2014scoring points with my wife! [Laughter] And that actually is very endearing to her. Then I kind of insert, and I don\u2019t spend a lot of time on it, but I do spend a little bit of time, where you\u2019re, as a father, stuck in the middle of what\u2019s basically referred to as parent alienation.<\/p>\n<p>I spend a little bit of time on things you shouldn\u2019t say to a child who\u2019s in an alienated position, because, you know, here I am in this betrayal position, but on top of that, I\u2019m dealing with an alienation problem, where I\u2019m being made out to be the bad guy, and I\u2019m not! There are books and videos, and I know you\u2019ve done some really good work around parent alienation, but it\u2019s really just basically, \u201cHey, here are some things you shouldn\u2019t do if you\u2019re in that place,\u201d while you\u2019re even dealing with this internal feeling, like you\u2019re betraying your children on top of it. So, it\u2019s a really tough place!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Man, I\u2019ve seen that a bunch, and I\u2019ve just heard from so many men who\u2014and this is referring to people who are biological dads and stepdads\u2014just start weighing out the time that you get with your own children versus stepchildren. I\u2019ve seen guys go one of two ways: I\u2019ve seen guys say, \u201cYou know what, it\u2019s easier for me to not deal with that pain\u2014to just, essentially, walk away from my kids in my first marriage, and throw myself totally into my stepchildren. I exchange one family for the second.\u201d And then your biological children go neglected as a result of it, but it\u2019s sort of a coping mechanism for the guy, so he doesn\u2019t have to deal with this feeling guilty thing.<\/p>\n<p>And then, I\u2019ve seen guys go the other way, where they feel so guilty in spending more time with their stepchildren than they get with their biological children that they start withholding themselves from their stepchildren.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: I\u2019ve done that!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, even though the opportunity is there.<\/p>\n<p>Well, tell us. You\u2019ve done that. I mean, talk about how it felt. It seemed like, I\u2019m sure, that was the only right thing to do.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, that\u2019s why I called it reverse betrayal, because I felt like, \u201cI\u2019m betraying my children, but I want to do this. Then, by doing so, I\u2019m holding myself back.\u201d Here\u2019s my wife, saying, \u201cTheir father has left. He\u2019s not involved in their life like you could be. What\u2019s wrong with you?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, \u201cwhere\u2019d you go?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Gil: \u201cWhere did you go!? Here are all these things I knew you as. The reason I said, \u2018Yes, I\u2019ll remarry this man.\u2019 Where\u2019s the guy that I married who would step up?\u201d And that creates internal fiction all the more. So, yes, it\u2019s a place of going, \u201cOh, man! What do I do here?\u201d So, when I was in that place, I was like one foot in and one foot out, and it was torturous!<\/p>\n<p>But then, when I submitted to it, it was like, \u201cYes, that\u2019s where things really began to work.\u201d The beauty of it was, you know, I continued to stay in the battlefield for my kids\u2019 hearts while connecting with my stepkids. That was the best thing for the marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You say in Unsung Heroes the only way through this internal conflict is through vulnerability. Explain.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, vulnerability is not a weakness; it\u2019s a strength. We need to reframe that perspective, because vulnerability basically comes from the great foundation\u2014I think it\u2019s Latin, which talks about courage. The concept of it is that courage grows strength from a wound. Let me repeat that: courage grows strength from a wound.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re wounded. Your children are wounded. Somebody has to step up with courage and be vulnerable and call it what it is. It\u2019s kind of that concept of, if you can\u2019t name it, you can\u2019t change it. In a way, you may be stating the obvious, but somebody\u2019s got to step up and do it! Until you do, nobody\u2019s going to lead.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: For example, this might look like being vulnerable with your wife about this internal conflict, and how you are having this internal debate. \u201cI\u2019m not really sure what to do here. I feel this if I do that, and I feel this way if I go that way. I just need you to know, this is what\u2019s going on with me.\u201d Is that what it sounds like?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: That\u2019s what it sounds like, and that takes courage.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It takes a lot! It does [take] a lot of courage.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Because I don\u2019t want to express weakness in that, because we\u2019re the adults. We\u2019re supposed to know what to do. Really? Have you ever been a stepdad before? [Laughter] Probably not! Was there a handbook on it? No, there\u2019s not.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: No, there\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Gil: There are a few good things! I think there\u2019s one or two. I\u2019ll take that back, Ron! You did a really good job on that a few years ago.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: And now your video series is another contribution.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Your Smart Stepdad stuff. But it\u2019s kind of like, \u201cWhat do I do?\u201d Well, be vulnerable! Be open, because when you do, your wife now becomes your ally rather than a perceived enemy.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Right. You invite her into the struggle with you instead of someone who\u2019s on the outside, judging you because of what she sees. They don\u2019t quite understand what\u2019s going on on the inside. And they can also help you explore, \u201cWhat could we do so that you get more time with your kids?\u201d You know, there might be some practical things that you can talk through at that point, but without the vulnerability\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Gil: You don\u2019t get that!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You don\u2019t get there.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: You remain as an \u201cI,\u201d not a \u201cwe.\u201d And if you try to take this on by yourself, you\u2019ll get shot up. You really will.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and his guest, Gil Stuart.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You know, we love supporting families with a variety of structures. Today is an exciting day because we\u2019re focused on blended families.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So, keep on listening, because at the end, we\u2019re going to be talking about how you and your church can support one another in this through our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Okay, let\u2019s jump to another one. You talk about, in this series: \u201cYour Rules.\u201d You caution people about doing too much, too soon.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes, in that one, we set it up at a playground, and I\u2019m talking about pushing a swing and, you know, doing underdogs and all that stuff. Really, the simplicity of it is, if you don\u2019t have a respectful relationship with that kid, you could actually be pushing them and demanding too much of their obedience or respect too soon. If you don\u2019t have that foundation built, you could actually be demanding something that you probably are due, but if you haven\u2019t earned that as the stepparent or the stepdad, you could actually do damage rather than instilling trust, honesty, and transparency, and [becoming] a trusted entity.<\/p>\n<p>That starts with just being a friend to the kid, or \u201cthe crazy uncle,\u201d I say to a lot of my stepparent clients: when you\u2019re in that role, just be the crazy uncle. Allow them some extra space, and then, when you do get into a disciplinarian issue, that\u2019s when the two of you\u2014you and your spouse, their biological mother\u2014pull together. At that point in time, you have each other\u2019s back; but if you push too soon, too much, the kid\u2019s going to come, so to speak, flying out of that swing! You\u2019re going to do some damage that you may not be able to repair for a long time.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: As I watched this session, I reflected on a conversation I had with a stepdad who came to me at one point and said, \u201cI am so frustrated! I\u2019m trying to bond with this young man. I know what he likes!\u201d And one of the things you and I have recommended to people in the past is, you know, start with building that friendship or find common interests and connect to what the child is interested in.<\/p>\n<p>He said, \u201cI\u2019m trying. I\u2019m doing that. This kid loves football; he loves sports. I\u2019m inviting him to go throw the football with me in the backyard, and he won\u2019t do it.\u201d He said, \u201cI know he does that with his father. I know that\u2019s something he enjoys. Here I am making offers, and he won\u2019t go.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Some time went by. He came back, and he said, \u201cI figured it out. I\u2019m asking him to give me something that\u2019s very special with his dad. He just can\u2019t do it. He just can\u2019t give that part of himself also to me. He feels guilty about that.\u201d I said, \u201cDude, you nailed it! You had the best of intentions. You\u2019re on track in terms of strategy: find something the kid likes. But in that particular space, it\u2019s poisonous for that child to give that to you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re going to have to find something else you guys have in common. Maybe, eventually, he\u2019ll come around, and he\u2019ll start sharing that part of himself with you, but that\u2019s got to be his call. It can\u2019t be yours.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes, and that could be years down the road, because that allegiance between the child and the biological parent is way strong! Even if that biological dad is really messing it up, and isn\u2019t participating with that kid, that might be your opportunity; but even if they\u2019re doing a horrible job, and the biological parent backs out, that kid still wants to love that parent.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, I like what your illustration was, because that\u2019s something special between the kid [and the parent], and if that\u2019s the case, respect that; honor that. You do want the child to have a good relationship with their parents!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: To use your analogy, if you press him on that, [and say], \u201cHe should be giving me that part of himself,\u201d it\u2019s equivalent to pushing him out of the swing.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It\u2019s too much, too soon, and it\u2019s going to damper the relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: It will backfire!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, this really kind of brings us to the next point that you talk about, and it\u2019s: allow the kid to love, and don\u2019t make them pick sides. Is this also for biological dads and for stepdads?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Of course! [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: The answer is \u201cyes!\u201d If I am creating a place where I am pushing that kid to pick one side or the other, what happens underneath is that I\u2019m actually setting that kid up to be resentful, and that is poisonous all the way around.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: What are some ways guys inadvertently push kids to choose?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, I think you may have heard it as well as I have, where they push kids to say, \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to call me \u2018Dad,\u2019\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to call her \u2018Mom.\u2019\u201d And it\u2019s not that! So, let the kid choose. You know, I think one of the things we did within our own family was say, \u201cHey, when we\u2019re out in public, how do you want to be introduced, and how do you want to introduce me?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Obvious statement, but it doesn\u2019t seem so obvious when you\u2019re out in public. That\u2019s a difference of being in a stepfamily; but if I don\u2019t allow that child to recognize me or their biological parent for who they are, and that it\u2019s okay to love me as much as their other parent, then I\u2019m actually causing them to be in a squeeze, to have favoritism one toward the other. In that case, I\u2019m actually creating a power struggle.<\/p>\n<p>Well, who loses? Everybody loses! So, I think there was a session [where] you had talked years ago, Ron, where it was a stepmother situation, where the child was given permission by the stepmom\u2014a brilliant idea\u2014of saying, \u201cWell, Sally, if you need to go over to your mom\u2019s house and hate me, then that\u2019s okay. But when you\u2019re here, and we actually have a good relationship, I\u2019ll understand.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That mom\u2014or a dad in this case\u2014has done that child a marvelous favor by taking the pressure off and allowing them to love, rather than being stuck between a rock and a hard place, in a squeeze. The kid may not have the maturity to know how to navigate that; so, don\u2019t put them there.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes. That is an unsung hero; that woman you just talked about. And I think dads and stepdads are making those decisions day-in and day-out. In effect, it\u2019s taking the shorter end of the stick, and yes, that\u2019s what heroes do.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: It\u2019s exactly what they do!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: And it\u2019s so unfair if you step back from it, and you say, \u201cIn the scales of life, that just doesn\u2019t seem right.\u201d Yes, but this child needs us to give them that. So, it\u2019s beautiful.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Well, we\u2019ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Gil Stuart and Ron Deal, who\u2019s the host of that podcast. Ron now joins us in the studio!<\/p>\n<p>Ron, let me ask you, as you think about unsung heroes, here\u2019s what I thought: thirty-plus years in the NFL. The guys I\u2019m working with and their wives, everybody thinks they\u2019re our heroes. They\u2019re it, you know? They\u2019re at the top of their profession. Even in Detroit, people think they\u2019re heroes, where we don\u2019t win football games. But they\u2019re not really heroes! What you and Gil were talking about are really the heroes of our world.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You\u2019re exactly right. It\u2019s the people who bless other people\u2019s lives by making sacrifices of their own that really are the unsung heroes. Yes, this conversation\u2019s an important one; because there are, as you said at the beginning, foster parents, there are adoptive parents, and there are stepparents who are making sacrifices every single day.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ron, one of the things I really appreciate about you is the practicality that you bring into every household. Let me ask you, as you had this conversation with Gil, was there anything that really stuck out to you?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, when he talked about what he calls \u201creverse betrayal\u201d in particular, I was thinking about a stepfather who is also a biological dad. As life would have it, just because of the circumstances, he is spending a whole lot more time stepparenting his stepchildren than he is able to do parenting his own children. So, time with stepkids versus time with biological kids. I mean, think about that. Your heart\u2019s in both places! At the same time, you really want your children to benefit from [having] you in their lives.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe there are circumstances that are beyond your control, where you\u2019re just not getting much time with them. By the way, that\u2019s an easy, rewarding relationship, right? Our relationship with our kids; we feel good about that, and they feel good about that. The hard work is happening with the stepchildren, and that\u2019s less rewarding, but that\u2019s where he ends up having to be a good bit of his time. That\u2019s a difficulty. And then, you feel guilty about that. You feel like you\u2019re cheating your own children, and there\u2019s not much you can do about the circumstances. That is really difficult, and that just really captured my heart.<\/p>\n<p>By the way, guys, this is a really good example of one of those unique family dynamics that blended families face that we try to help leaders in local churches to understand, so that they can target these families in the adult education program, student [programs], and small group programs that they offer in their church.<\/p>\n<p>And that\u2019s what we\u2019re going to be talking about at this year\u2019s Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. Our theme this year is \u201cMerge.\u201d In other words, what we\u2019re saying to church leaders is, you don\u2019t have to start an entirely new blended family ministry in your church. What you can do is\u2014and for many folks, the simplest thing to do is\u2014just simply merge some basic principles into the programming that you already have at your church.<\/p>\n<p>So, for example, with adult education programs, maybe you have a marriage course that you offer once or twice per year. Well, just integrate a [few] principles for the blended families that are in it; that is very simple to do. Student ministry programs can do this; children\u2019s ministry programs; of course, parenting and marriage ministries; but even Senior Pastors, from the pulpit, can just do little things.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what we\u2019re going to be focused on this year. The Summit is virtual, so you get the advantage of just staying home. If you want to watch from home, you can. But if you want to have others join you at your church, you can watch as a group and talk about how you can integrate some of those principles.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re very excited! It\u2019s Thursday, October 12th. We hope a lot of people will register. Just go to SummitonStepfamiles.com for all the information.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Ron, this has been so good, and I\u2019m really excited about the Summit. We\u2019re looking forward to talking to you again tomorrow.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to a FamilyLife Blended episode on FamilyLife Today. Now, if you want to find the full episode of what we\u2019ve been listening to, you can search for \u201cEpisode 83\u201d on the FamilyLife Blended podcast, and you can find that wherever you get your podcasts; or you can get the link in the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>I just found out that up to 40% of families in your church and community are blended families. So, what Ron has been talking about today with Gil Stuart and Dave and Ann Wilson is so important. You can join the virtual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry event that\u2019s happening on October 12th. Again, the link to that is SummitonStepfamilies.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, Ron Deal is going to be back again with Gil Stuart to talk about experiences and challenges faced by stepfathers in blended families. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280437","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280437"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280437"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280437"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280437"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}