{"id":280436,"date":"2023-09-20T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-09-20T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/"},"modified":"2025-05-06T16:46:17","modified_gmt":"2025-05-06T20:46:17","slug":"strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/","title":{"rendered":"Strong Stepfathers, Strong Stepfamilies: Ron Deal and Gil Stuart"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Being a stepfather can feel like bathing cats with your hair on fire\u2014but your thoughtful navigation of the dynamics in your home can make a difference that lasts for decades. Author Gil Stuart offers tips on stepfathering thoughtfully, and shaping the kind of family you all long for.<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p><em fetchpriority=\"high\"><strong>We are the one with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil? I mean, when you think about what the Scripture says: \u201cThe power of the tongue is for life or for death.\u201d So, what are we saying? Is it going to bring life, or is it going to bring death to the stepfamily environment? What a place for a hero to step up!\u00a0 &#8211; Gil Stuart<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being a stepfather can feel like bathing cats with your hair on fire\u2014but your thoughtful navigation of the dynamics in your home can make a difference that lasts for decades. Author Gil Stuart offers tips on stepfathering thoughtfully, and shaping the k&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/4b9b9a84-56fb-40f8-895e-b154011db9d7\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:10","filesize":"23.08M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-09-20 09:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2247],"podcast_series":[8677],"cwp_profile":[9781,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280436","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-stepfathers","podcast_series-stepdads-a-k-a-unsung-heroes-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","cwp_profile-gil-stuart","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280436\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280436\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"dpdGZ0ZSlK\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/\">Strong Stepfathers, Strong Stepfamilies: Ron Deal and Gil Stuart<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/strong-stepfathers-strong-stepfamilies-ron-deal-and-gil-stuart\/embed\/#?secret=dpdGZ0ZSlK\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Strong Stepfathers, Strong Stepfamilies: Ron Deal and Gil Stuart&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"dpdGZ0ZSlK\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! 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Author Gil Stuart offers tips on stepfathering thoughtfully, and shaping the k...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>The Summit on StepFamily Ministry; Find out how you and your church can minister to blended families at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.summitonstepfamilies.com\/\">summitonstepfamilies.com<\/a><br \/>\nListen to <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/83-unsung-heroes\/\">the full episode here: Unsung Heroes<\/a><br \/>\nDiscover more <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/marriage\/blended-family\/\">resources on our shop <\/a>and listen to more on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/\">FamilyLife <\/a>Blended podcast<br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-09-20.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Strong Stepfathers, Strong Stepfamilies<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal and Gil Stuart<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Stepdads, aka Unsung Heroes (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:September 20, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Gil: We are the one with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil? I mean, when you think about what the Scripture says: \u201cThe power of the tongue is for life or for death.\u201d So, what are we saying? Is it going to bring life, or is it going to bring death to the stepfamily environment? What a place for a hero to step up!<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife\u00ae app.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>You know, I would say one of the best parts of FamilyLife\u2014do you know what I\u2019m going to say?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: So many!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: There are so many, but today we get to talk a little bit about FamilyLife Blended\u00ae. I grew up in a stepfamily, and there are people listening who\u2019d say, \u201cMy life, my marriage, my family is totally different than the nuclear family. Please speak to what I\u2019m living through.\u201d And that\u2019s why I think it\u2019s critical to have what we have in FamilyLife Blended.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Me, too, and I think our listeners are going to like today, because we started talking yesterday about stepfamily parents, and our next Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is coming up Thursday, October 12th. We\u2019re going to hear more from the FamilyLife Blended podcast in a moment, but first, we\u2019re joined by Ron Deal.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve got him here! Ron Deal, the Director of Blended.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yay!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: You can tell us all about Blended and the Summit coming up. Welcome, Ron.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Hey, guys! Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be with you. I love what we\u2019re doing here at FamilyLife. We are helping single parents who are dating and thinking about another family in the future; we\u2019re helping blended families go the distance. You guys interact with a lot of couples who have questions, and maybe they didn\u2019t find those answers very easily within their church.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s part of what the Summit on Stepfamily Ministries is all about: helping equip leaders, whether those be lay couples in the congregation, senior pastors, elders; whoever it might be; anybody who is concerned and thinking about children and students and adults in blended families. We\u2019re going to help you think through how your church can do the simple thing and minster to a child, for example, in your regular children\u2019s program.<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t have to create a brand-new, entire ministry with new leadership. I think that\u2019s exhausting to a lot of pastors to even consider.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: We\u2019re going to help you, this year at The Summit, understand the little things that you can do to tweak what you\u2019re already doing and have it become more relevant to blended families.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s October 12th, but it\u2019s virtual, right? So, we don\u2019t have to go to a place; we can just tune in.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Exactly. It\u2019s going to be virtual this year. So, as an individual, you can sit at home and be part of the entire day, or we\u2019re really recommending that leadership think about attending together. You can gather. There\u2019s a church organization registration, where you can have 3, 5, or 10 people in the room together, going through the day, talking at breaks, trying to figure out how you can apply the principles you\u2019re learning to your church situation. We really recommend that option.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Talk about what we\u2019re going to hear today: a conversation you had, and it\u2019s Part Two.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, we\u2019re visiting with my good friend, Gil Stuart. He and his wife, Brenda, are stepfamily educators. They\u2019ve spoken at our Summit before. They\u2019ve spoken at our Blended &amp;amp; Blessed\u00ae livestream event. They\u2019re really high-quality people. Gil came out with a video curriculum for stepfathers specifically. It\u2019s called Unsung Heroes. We started yesterday with Part One (If people didn\u2019t get to hear that, we\u2019d love to have you go back and listen).<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re going to hear a little bit more from Gil today about that material, and what he\u2019s trying to do to encourage and equip stepfathers. Now, let me just set up the clip that we\u2019re going to hear. He and I were talking about some of the challenges, and he wanted to talk about the rock and the hard place that, sometimes, stepfathers find themselves in. It looks like this: \u201cI love my kids, and I love my wife. Sometimes, those relationships seem to compete with one another, and I feel stuck in the middle, like I can\u2019t win for losing. Somebody\u2019s always disappointed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s a tough spot to be in. What\u2019s a stepdad to do? That\u2019s what Gil is talking about today.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Okay, \u201cRock and a Hard Place.\u201d We\u2019ve kind of hinted around that one a little bit. That\u2019s another topic\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Yes, that particular segment was probably my favorite because \u201cRock and a Hard Place\u201d\u2014we shot it at a little place called \u201cDepot Bay,\u201d which is on the Oregon coast. It had a lot of nostalgia for me. We set it up because this little cove called \u201cDepot Bay\u201d is the world\u2019s smallest harbor. These fishing boats go out of the channel that\u2019s really tumultuous in stormy weather.<\/p>\n<p>On one side is a concrete wall that\u2019s been there for [about] 100 years, and then, literally, a sheer cliff that juts out into the water kind of like an iceberg. If you don\u2019t know where it is, you\u2019re going to get stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it will sink your boat. Well, the metaphor here was, as fathers, we can get stuck between a rock and a hard place. With no undue respect to our wives or to our children, sometimes our wife can be the hard place, and our children can be the rock.<\/p>\n<p>I am going to get tested between the allegiance to my wife and the bond to my children. That is a rock and a hard place, and that happens so many times, where here\u2019s the new family forming and the new marriage forming, or years go by, and \u201cHey, we\u2019re supposed to go to such and such an event.\u201d Who are you, as a father, going to side with?<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m in the place where I\u2019m [between] a rock and a hard place, and ultimately, the place to go is sometimes our kids will put the pressure on us to say, \u201cWell, Dad! You\u2019re supposed to do this with us!\u201d Because of history and the bond. Therefore, I am now in a vice. I am between a rock and a hard place, you know?<\/p>\n<p>In each one of the segments, I set it up with, \u201cHere\u2019s the circumstance; here\u2019s the problem; here are some guys that I kind of interviewed\u201d (other stepfathers). I\u2019m not shooting all this off the top of my head. I interviewed a lot of other stepfathers who have gone before me, and some that are behind me. I got their feedback, and then, we\u2019d come up with some solutions.<\/p>\n<p>In this situation, the solution was, \u201cGod first, family and marriage second, and then the children,\u201d because the children, whether it be a biological family or a stepfamily, are trying to wedge in between me and my wife.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: In a stepfamily, that becomes even more intense\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: \u2014because of that bond. And that\u2019s why \u201cThe Rock and the Hard Place\u201d is so significant. I think women can get in this situation as moms and stepmoms as well, but as dads, I think it\u2019s a little different and a little more significant for us.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes. Now, I want to push this a little bit, because I know we\u2019ve got some ladies listening. Going back to what we were talking about earlier, if she doesn\u2019t fully understand that rock and hard place experience for him, she could be making what she feels to be a simple request of time or energy from her husband into their marriage, but it could be really costing him, also, that time and energy invested in his kids.<\/p>\n<p>If she can join him in this experience and be his partner in that, they can find solutions together; find a balance together. But if she doesn\u2019t even realize that it feels like a simple request on her part, but it really is coming at a great cost for him, I think that can create some resentment.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Very easily, because if you tie that specifically to the rock and the hard place and reverse betrayal, this guy is now in a no-win situation.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: And that will really be harmful to the marriage, which is really the strongest bond for the whole system of that family. So, yes, if she\u2019s not aware of him being in this predicament, then she may not have any empathy for what he\u2019s experiencing, and then, therefore, it will harm their relationship, and she may not know why. If he doesn\u2019t know how to put this into words, he may not know why.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Alright, let\u2019s merge this conversation with our next subject. Number six that you talk about in the series is, don\u2019t shoot your emotions off; [that] was sort of the takeaway that I had. [Laughter] When you\u2019re trying to work toward emotional safety in relationships, you\u2019ve got to be in charge of your own emotions, so they don\u2019t inadvertently become volatile.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, it\u2019s the segment that I call \u201cCreating an Emotional Safety Zone.\u201d I\u2019m actually out, shooting a 44 Magnum gun.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I want to know what you were shooting at, by the way! I couldn\u2019t see exactly where all the bullets were going.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Well, they were going up into a canyon. There\u2019s nothing\u2014I was down in Central Oregon with one of my sons who has a few things to shoot off. [Laughter] But basically, it\u2019s kind of like the idea that, when we are frustrated, and our emotions get the best of us, and we truly are in that environment of our own pain, our own confusion; we inadvertently can flip our lid, then shoot off our mouth, and do way more damage than we actually may be realizing.<\/p>\n<p>So, who is responsible? Me. The only person who can regulate my emotions is me. I have to be self-aware of what\u2019s going on there. So, in that case, I have to be the adult. Again, I\u2019m the one being the hero here. I can\u2019t expect that kid to do it. You know, as they grow, then, yes, the expectations grow, for sure. But in the place of, rather than shooting my mouth off with what\u2019s going on, what would it look like if I stopped and, maybe, confessed my own emotions?<\/p>\n<p>That takes vulnerability; plus validate what that other person is feeling. In the moment, those two things are the most powerful things that can happen: confession and validation. And that helps me control my mouth. Is it easy? Absolutely not! Because it\u2019s much easier to pull the trigger and say something harmful and do damage that, you know, may take, again, days, months, years, or may never be repaired, and then the opportunity is lost.<\/p>\n<p>So, it is creating an emotional safety zone because we are the ones with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil? I mean, when you think about what the Scripture says: \u201cThe power of the tongue is for life or for death\u201d . . .<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: So, what are we saying? Is it going to bring life, or is it going to bring death to the stepfamily environment? What a place for a hero to step up!<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we\u2019re listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and his guest today, Gil Stuart.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, talk about heroes. I tell you what! That last little part about the tongue; that applies to all\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Everyone!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014at all times, but especially in the family. Let\u2019s go back and listen.<\/p>\n<p>[Recorded Message]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: I want to come back to this idea of not really knowing what\u2019s going on with me. I have a great deal of compassion for men around this, because I, too, had the same experience. Quick little story: when I was in graduate school, studying Marriage and Family Therapy, I did really well with the book studies, [and] everything that led up to it; the concepts and putting it all together; and being able to articulate that.<\/p>\n<p>Then, we went into our clinical supervision experience, and the first thing we had to do was practice, you know, with another co-student, repeating back emotions; listening skills; and working [through] all of that stuff. We had to do it on video, bring it into our class session, play the video in front of everybody including the professor and all the other students, and we would help each other. You know, \u201cHow well did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was horrible! [Laughter] I was absolutely horrible at this! It was sort of like I knew words in my head, but I could not identify the feelings and emotions that another person was laying out for me. And I also couldn\u2019t do it for myself! We men, we\u2019re really good at anger. We\u2019re really good at passion. Everything else in-between is a mystery to us.<\/p>\n<p>I had to work super, super hard not only at being a clinician, but this directly impacted my marriage, right? My ability to just listen to my wife and hear what she was really saying. Not what the words are, but \u201cwhat is the heart of thing?\u201d I had to work! That was a discipline, Gil, that I did not know I was going to have to have when I got married. I had no idea I was going to have to figure that out, and gain a vocabulary, and learn how to attune to my wife, my children, or what other people were saying.<\/p>\n<p>It does take work! If you\u2019re one of those guys listening to us right now saying, \u201cMan! I know that\u2019s me. I\u2019ve just got to work at this!\u201d Do you have a suggestion or two about how guys can start down this path?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: A couple things there: John Gottman\u2014one of his one-liners is that \u201cthe masters of the disasters of relationships practice a couple things.\u201d One of them is [to] become a master at listening; but it\u2019s also interesting, another researcher behind it was a fellow by the name of Dan Wyle, who passed away a couple of years ago. Dan made an interesting statement: \u201cIt is impossible to listen until you feel heard.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Hmm.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: If both people are not able to feel heard, they can\u2019t listen. That is a stand-off! With the couples that I work with, it\u2019s like, in the moment, and even in my relationship with my wife, if I\u2019m not feeling heard, I\u2019m having a really hard time listening, not just with my ears, but with my heart. The way through that, again, is confession. I have to humble myself. There is an aspect of humility because humility is power under control!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: You know, you think about the ability to really listen until somebody feels heard. That is a gift! That is a treasure. So, for me to be on purpose humbling myself until that other person feels heard could be a game-changer! Well, somebody\u2019s got to start that process, and it should be you.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: So much emotional maturity! The net result here is creating a safer place for the exchange to take place. You can get farther together rather than it escalating into something that pushes you apart.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: Right. One of the things I recall often is, we can go faster by ourselves, but we can go farther together. When we are together, we\u2019re going to get further, because we have one another\u2019s back. It\u2019s kind of that concept from Scripture: one can turn a thousand, but two? Two can turn 10,000! [Laughter] In the stepfamily environment, you might feel like it\u2019s you and your wife against these throngs! Brenda and I lovingly refer to our children as \u201cthose people.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: \u201cThose people.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Gil: But in that case, when somebody creates that emotional safety zone, it\u2019s through listening and validating: \u201cIs this what you\u2019re saying? Are you saying that? Let me make sure. Did I hear that right?\u201d No commentary, no criticism; just shut-up and listen. And then give it back to them as a paraphrase; not parroting, because that\u2019s disrespectful.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: [Laughing] \u201cParaphrase, not parroting.\u201d I like that! That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Okay, in the last session you\u2019ve got in this series, you\u2019re doing some reflecting. You\u2019re helping people reflect on where they\u2019ve been in their journey, maybe thinking through pitfalls to avoid. What would you share with us about that session?<\/p>\n<p>Gil: That session is kind of the wrap-up of telling you what I told you in all of the segments. We set this one up at a place called Beacon Rock, on a trail. There are all these switchbacks. The concept here is that, you know, we\u2019re talking about a summary of what has been accomplished, what we are putting in practice; but there\u2019s this one-liner toward the end of the segment where I basically say, \u201cThe mountain, she\u2019s a cheat.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>This means\u2014and it comes from a story of a buddy and I who did a hike years ago in Yosemite National Park. We thought we were summiting, and every time we got to another summit, there was another summit. It was like, \u201cUgh! The mountain, she\u2019s cheating me!\u201d [Laughter] And my friend is a writer, so it just came out of him, and I thought how much that really is true! You can be moving forward and thinking, \u201cOh, I\u2019ve got to achieve!\u201d but \u201cNo, there\u2019s another summit! I feel cheated! I worked so hard as a dad to get to this point. Yet, there\u2019s another summit? Ugh!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe mountain, she\u2019s a cheat.\u201d Don\u2019t give up! That\u2019s really the message in that last segment, because you could be so close to summiting, and if you stop, you won\u2019t ever know.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, that\u2019s good. You won\u2019t know how close you were, and you won\u2019t get there.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: You won\u2019t know how close you were. And being in a stepfamily and a stepdad now for 19 years, 2 months, so many days, there are times when I feel like, \u201cWell, did I accomplish anything?\u201d And then I think of my youngest stepson; he and I got off on the wrong foot, and now, there\u2019s genuinely love there, but that\u2019s taken 19 years.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes, yes; a lot of work.<\/p>\n<p>Gil: It\u2019s good work; it\u2019s not impossible work. And I think that\u2019s the summary of the point. Anyway, that was kind of the gist of that session, just a word of learning, but also a word of encouragement to say, \u201cIf you\u2019re doing the right thing, keep doing it, because you might be closer to summiting and achieving that pinnacle.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There will be another one. [Laughter] Just to be realistic, there will be another one!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Sure.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve been listening to a portion of our FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Gil Stuart. Ron, you know, as you think about what Gil just said there at the close, what thoughts come to your mind?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Well, let me just tell you the rest of the story, if you will. We recorded this with Gil some time ago. Since then, we\u2019ve actually recorded another podcast with him and his wife, Brenda. They just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary, and get this, guys. At their wedding, a number of their children\u2014seven kids between the two of them, and a number of their kids\u2014\u201cno-showed\u201d their wedding.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Really?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Whoa.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You want to talk about painful, and discouraging, and disillusioning, \u201cOh, my goodness, this is not a good way to start a blended family.\u201d Okay, fast forward 20 years. They just had, not a recommitment ceremony, but more of a celebration of their marriage and their family ceremony, where everybody came together.<\/p>\n<p>Now the adult children, who love one another (step-siblings) dearly, love and respect Gil and Brenda as parents and stepparents. They had a big, huge family celebration. We interviewed them about that, and they were just overflowing with joy about what God had done in their marriage and in their family. Now, listen to this: he was just talking in that last clip about detours when you think you\u2019ve gotten there, but you\u2019re not there; but \u201ckeep going,\u201d because there\u2019s joy in the journey.<\/p>\n<p>I just witnessed in their own life that very thing come to fruition. I tell you, it\u2019s just really, really a great principle for people to hold onto. We\u2019re all struggling with something today; something in our life is not as we would have it. What do we do? We\u2019ve got to trust God. We\u2019ve got to keep going. We\u2019ve got to keep doing the next right thing and trusting that, somehow, what seems maybe not making much progress is in fact making progress with God\u2019s blessing.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, that\u2019s what I, Ron\u2014as I heard the close of what Gil said there, my first thought was, \u201cDon\u2019t quit.\u201d It might be right there. I\u2019m not a mountain climber, but I did climb once. I was with my son this weekend, and he reminded me that he was ten years old, and we went into the Colorado mountains. Our guide said, \u201cThere\u2019s a lake at the top of this mountain.\u201d We kept going and going\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014for hours.<\/p>\n<p>I finally sat down and said, \u201cYou\u2019re wrong. This is the wrong mountain. There\u2019s no lake up there!\u201d And I quit. He said, \u201cI\u2019m telling you, it\u2019s about 500 yards away!\u201d And I said, \u201cI don\u2019t believe you.\u201d And he walked 500 yards, and I heard him yell, \u201cThere it is!\u201d So, we found the lake. And I thought, there\u2019s so often that we don\u2019t realize we could be that close. We give up on our marriage; we give up on our blended family; we give up on our child. I would say, \u201cDon\u2019t quit! Keep walking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Well, isn\u2019t that what happened to all of us? For us, when each of our children got married, we said, \u201cThere it is!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cWe\u2019re done!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cWe\u2019re at the top!\u201d Then, \u201cOh, wait!\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWe aren\u2019t done.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: \u201cWe aren\u2019t done.\u201d Yes. All of us, as parents, felt the same way. \u201cOkay, I got my kid to 18; now out.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cNow going through school; now they\u2019ve got jobs; now they\u2019ve got a life. Whew! Okay, I\u2019m finished.\u201d Parenting adult children is, you know, a challenge! You have to learn a whole new set of boundaries and principles.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019re stepparenting, or whether you\u2019re parenting your own biological children, there\u2019s always another little portion of the climb that is in front of us, and I don\u2019t know about you guys, but I\u2019m just trying to trust God and take the next step.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: I think my prayer life has gotten better since my kids have become adults. I remember a friend saying, as our kids got older, \u201cSay less, pray more.\u201d That has kind of become my motto of continually praying at all times, as Paul would say. That\u2019s been really helpful, because it\u2019s stressful, man!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It is.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes. And if there\u2019s a life principle\u2014and I know we\u2019ve all heard it before: \u201cIt\u2019s not how you start. It\u2019s how you finish.\u201d Ron, when you said his kids \u201cno-showed\u201d the wedding, a lot of people just give up.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u201cThis is never going to get better.\u201d And there they [Gil and Brenda] are 20 years later, because they did the work. It\u2019s how you end that matters; not how you start. God can show up and do a miracle.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: You know, Gil and Brenda are a really good example of coming, and learning some of the principles of stepfamily ministry, and then applying them in their own context, with the opportunities God has given them. That\u2019s what we do in our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry every year. Our next one\u2019s coming up Thursday, October 12th. This one\u2019s virtual.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re going to help student ministry leaders, senior pastors, and adult education leaders to understand basic, simple principles that you can integrate into what you\u2019re already doing. You don\u2019t have to build a whole new ministry with whole new leadership. We\u2019re just going to help you think about how you expand what you\u2019re already doing. It\u2019s pretty simple to get involved with this being a virtual event. Look us up: SummitonStepfamilies.com. We\u2019d love to have someone from your local congregation be part of it.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to a FamilyLife Blended episode with Gil Stuart on FamilyLife Today. Now, if you want to find the full episode, you can search for \u201cEpisode 83\u201d on the FamilyLife Blended podcast, and you can find that wherever you get your podcasts; or you can get the link in the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Again, what Ron was talking about is the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It\u2019s a virtual event happening on October 12th. You can find more details about that event at SummitonStepfamilies.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be joined by Mark Gregston and Larry Fowler to talk about a grandparent\u2019s role in their grandchildren\u2019s lives; the importance of grandparents shifting their focus from themselves to their grandchildren. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs? Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280436","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280436"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280436"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280436"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280436"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280436"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280436"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280436"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}