{"id":280378,"date":"2023-12-11T10:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-12-11T15:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson\/"},"modified":"2025-04-16T16:56:39","modified_gmt":"2025-04-16T20:56:39","slug":"the-intentional-father-jon-tyson","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson\/","title":{"rendered":"The Intentional Father: Jon Tyson"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Without strong mentors, boys are walking alone into a wilderness of conflicting messages about who they should be as men. It&#8217;s no wonder that our sons are confused about what the world expects from them and what they should expect of themselves. Jon Tyson lays out a clear path for fathers and sons that includes specific activities, rites of passage, and significant &#8220;marking moments&#8221; that can be customized to fit any family.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Without strong mentors, boys are walking alone into a wilderness of conflicting messages about who they should be as men. It&#8217;s no wonder that our sons are confused about what the world expects from them and what they should expect of themselves. Jon Tyson&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/a6667072-f686-434d-ae17-b154011cee04\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:16","filesize":"25.00M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2023-12-11 10:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2209],"podcast_series":[8711],"cwp_profile":[9763],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280378","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-parenting","podcast_series-the-intentional-father-jon-tyson","cwp_profile-jon-tyson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280378\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280378\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"QPl7kMkVNw\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson\/\">The Intentional Father: Jon Tyson<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-jon-tyson\/embed\/#?secret=QPl7kMkVNw\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Intentional Father: Jon Tyson&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"QPl7kMkVNw\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["MS-012898"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/a6667072-f686-434d-ae17-b154011cee04\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:27:16"],"filesize":["25.00M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280866"],"show_notes":["<ul>\n<li>Connect with Jon Tyson at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.church.nyc\/\">church.nyc<\/a> and find Jon on social media on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jontyson\/?hl=en\">Instagram<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>And grab Jon Tyson's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-intentional-father\/\">The Intentional Father<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>Intrigued by today's episode? Think deeper about <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?s=+fatherhood\">Fatherhood<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Want to hear more episodes by <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/guest\/Jon-Tyson\/\">Jon Tyson, listen here<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-12-11.pdf"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>The Intentional Father<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Jon Tyson<\/p>\n<p>From the series:The Intentional Father (Day 1 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:December 11, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Before we get into the show today, I wanted you to hear one message that was left for us. Check this out:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFamilyLife Today is wonderful! What a great resource for believers who are raising out families, dealing with relationships. Thank you so much! You hit on so many items with children, as a mother-in-law, even in our own marriage. Just keep doing the good work God puts before you. You\u2019re doing a wonderful job. Thank you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Isn\u2019t that cool to hear? Well, when you partner with us, all month long, your donation will be matched dollar-for-dollar if you choose to sign up to be a monthly partner with FamilyLife Today. So, that means, if you give a gift of $25, it\u2019s going to turn into $50, magically, by the grace of God! If you give $100, it\u2019s going to turn into $200. Every gift that you give for the rest of the month is going to be matched dollar-for-dollar if you become a monthly partner with us. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com to learn more.<\/p>\n<p>Alright, let\u2019s get into the show:<\/p>\n<p>Jon: How can we be at this point in church history, 2000 years in, and this is not a normal part of the evangelical tradition? Why is it that it\u2019s so rare to meet a son that says, \u201cMy father raised me into a man. He did a great job, and I\u2019m a healthy functional adult because of it?\u201d Why is that an exception, not the norm? I don\u2019t know why there\u2019s not some sort of great tradition that is handed down, even inside the church. Why does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this? Why do we always feel like we are starting at zero; like the conversation is back at the ground floor?<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbot, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You grew up without a dad in your home or really influencing your life.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Are you telling me something I don\u2019t know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No, I\u2019m asking a question: \u201cDid that make you sad or mad, growing up? What did it feel like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, both. Extremely sad. I can remember [lying] in bed at night as a 12- or 13- year-old boy, praying to a God I didn\u2019t believe in: \u201cWhy\u2019d you take my dad?\u201d I mean, he didn\u2019t die; he left. But I sort of wanted to blame God for him not being there. Then, as I got older, mad, like, \u201cWhy did you leave?\u201d and felt like I really, really missed something.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, it\u2019s been interesting for me to watch you as a dad, because that was always in your head, I think.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The thing that shocked me that I didn\u2019t understand until later was the power of a father.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I sort of thought, because I didn\u2019t have a dad, I wouldn\u2019t copy my dad. Then, as I became a young man, and even when we got married, I was like, \u201cOh, my goodness. I am doing things that I never even saw my dad do because he wasn\u2019t there, but I know he did.\u201d It was like, \u201cWow, the power of a father is powerful. Now, I\u2019m a dad.\u201d I realized: \u201cI am going to impact my boys in a way I don\u2019t even understand.\u201d So, I wanted to do it right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Do you feel like we\u2019re in a culture today that men need help in this area?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve always needed help, but more than ever; and we\u2019ve got help in the studio today.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes; I\u2019m excited.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, we have Jon Tyson, who\u2019s a father, and a pastor, and an author. I mean, as I read your book, it feels like you have a visceral, emotional feeling about fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Jon, welcome to FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Thank you so much for having me on the show. Yes, I do. I have a father\u2019s heart. I think that comes just from the wonder of having kids, yet some of my own brokenness; and certainly, as a pastor over the years, just watching thousands of men deal with father issues. It\u2019s like, \u201cThis is a huge need! We\u2019ve got to talk about it; we\u2019ve got to do something about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, and our listeners probably are like, \u201cThis dude has an accent. Where\u2019s that come from?\u201d Tell us a little bit of your story.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Okay, I grew up in Australia. I was born in Melbourne, lived in Perth for eight years, and then basically came of age in a city called Adelaide.<\/p>\n<p>I became a Christian the weekend I turned 17 in a Pentecostal youth revival. [I] felt a call to come to the US and serve God that felt like some sort of missionary call. When I was 20, I got a scholarship to study theology and moved over; met my wife doing the campus orientation tour.<\/p>\n<p>I saw her and just remember thinking, \u201cFocusing in Bible college will be harder than I anticipated.\u201d [Laughter] Then [we] fell in love and got married, pretty close to right away, and then had kids right away; and we\u2019ve been at it ever since. We moved to New York 16 years ago to plant a church. Then, we\u2019ve recently become empty nesters. And I\u2019m here to talk about that process of raising my son, in particular, and some of the things I learned as a part of that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Talk about your relationship with your dad. Why is this a passion for you?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: My dad is a good and godly man. My dad is a quiet man; he\u2019s a prayerful man. I remember, at the start of the book, it [says]: \u201cTo my father, Ian Tyson, whose prayers have carried me this far.\u201d That is true. My dad prays for me every day. He prayed me out of rebellion; he prayed me home; went after me in prayer and fasting in my rebellious years.<\/p>\n<p>My grandfather was a very accomplished missionary in India. He was an old-school British missionary, which meant he was amazing at missions and terrible at fatherhood! \u201cDump your kids in a boarding school. If you love your family more than Me, you are not worthy of Me.\u201d So, my dad grew up in India, and developed a condition where he would sleepwalk at night, trying to find his family. They would find him walking around.<\/p>\n<p>I want to honor my grandfather\u2019s legacy, which in many ways was like there\u2019s thousands\u2014at this point, probably hundreds of thousands\u2014of people in the kingdom of God because of his work. But he had a massive flaw, which is, he was a terrible father. He didn\u2019t give my dad what my dad needed. My dad never got a sex talk; never got a talk about money; never got any practical advice about how to grow up.<\/p>\n<p>My dad was resolved to do better than his dad, and my dad did so much better than his dad. But there was still some stuff he didn\u2019t have. He didn\u2019t have some of the tools he needed, particularly for a kid like me. I was a handful, growing up. My dad did everything he knew, and there was some stuff I needed that he didn\u2019t know how to do.<\/p>\n<p>So, when it came to me being a father, I was like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve got to try and break some generational stuff off of here. I don\u2019t want to react. I\u2019ve got to figure out a way how to do this.\u201d It started me on a huge journey of reading and interviewing men to try and understand: \u201cHow do you get this right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of the things I learned, reading all of this stuff, was quite simple. There were almost no books about: \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it.\u201d There were dozens of books on wounded men seeking healing, and very few that were like: \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, when I did read those books, \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it,\u201d I was like, \u201cThis is not enough!\u201d A camping trip and a few talks is a thousand times better than what most kids get, but it\u2019s not enough. You\u2019ve got, particularly during adolescence, six-plus years with these kids. You\u2019re going to have to have a plan for every day and every week.<\/p>\n<p>Formation happens in big breakthrough events, but it happens in the everyday moments [too]. I basically realized\u2014which actually stunned me; I was like, \u201cHow can we be at this point in church history, 2000 years in, and this is not a normal part of the evangelical tradition? Why is it that it\u2019s so rare to meet a son that says, \u201cMy father raised me into a man. He did a great job, and I\u2019m a healthy functional adult because of it?\u201d Why is that an exception, not the norm?<\/p>\n<p>I was saddened to have to write this book. I was shocked that there weren\u2019t 20 options like this; I would have just used them.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I felt like, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve got to sort of\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of my gifts is reading widely, synthesizing it, and then turning it into tools. I felt like, \u201cI think I need to do this.\u201d That\u2019s some of my backstory and some of what informed the writing of this book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Dave, I feel like, for you, you knew\u2014and maybe this is true of a lot of men\u2014and like your dad, Jon; he knew how to build God\u2019s kingdom. And as for you, Dave, I think a lot of men, you knew how to build a career, but when it came to: \u201cHow do you build a family when I\u2019ve never seen it done?\u201d I think that\u2019s a hard lesson to learn, and most men don\u2019t have any idea.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I don\u2019t know what percentage\u2014maybe you do, Jon\u2014would be in that category. But I was definitely that guy. I didn\u2019t have a dad, obviously, so, I didn\u2019t know what it looked like. I didn\u2019t have a Christian background. Then, when I got married, I was like: \u201cWhat is a Christian man? What\u2019s a Christian husband? What\u2019s a Christian dad? What do you do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And we, as wives, have all kinds of expectations. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes! Ann told me everything I needed to know every day, every hour! [Laughter] \u201cHere\u2019s what you need to do. Why aren\u2019t you doing it?\u201d I mean, we got\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014in some ways, that\u2019s what she did. You know, as a man, sometimes you just push away from that rather than receiving it. I did what you did. I started asking men.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I want to acknowledge that I think there\u2019s a lot of pain in men\u2019s hearts that gets glossed over: a) they\u2019re not willing to be vulnerable with it; b) our culture doesn\u2019t respect men.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Oftentimes, for good reason. But you talk to most men, and below the surface\u2014I mean, Thoreau said, \u201cMost men live lives of quiet desperation.\u201d That continues to be true; there\u2019s a lot of pain under the surface. When you peel back the roof, you often get a lot of dads who are just like, \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do it, and I feel like I\u2019m getting nagged on this. If I knew how to do it, I\u2019d do it. This is not a will issue. I would do this if I knew how to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There can be a lot of shame when you know you should be doing something that you don\u2019t know how to do; and you want to do it, but you don\u2019t know how to get help. You\u2019re just scrambling, and you know the stakes are so high. It\u2019s a high-pressure environment.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s interesting, I recently did a message to men, and I made this comment. It\u2019s exactly what you said, Jon. I said, \u201cMen have LATS,\u201d and I said, \u201cYou think I\u2019m talking about these big abs I have under my pecs. I\u2019m talking L-A-T-S. They\u2019re Lonely, they\u2019re Angry; they\u2019re \u2018Tired;\u2019 they\u2019re \u2018Stressed.\u2019\u201d I started talking about the loneliness of men; we say we have friends, but we really don\u2019t. There\u2019s a sense of anger because we\u2019re carrying so much stuff; nobody seems to know. We\u2019re tired\u2014you know, whatever.<\/p>\n<p>I had more response of people reaching out and saying, \u201cCan we talk about that LATS thing?\u201d because it resonated with men in the room. What you just said is, we do feel this sense of: \u201cI\u2019m supposed to be the man; I\u2019m supposed to be this dad, this husband. I don\u2019t know what that looks like.\u201d Is that what you found?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes. I don\u2019t know why there\u2019s not some sort of great tradition that is handed down, even inside the church. It is like, \u201cWhy does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this? Why do we always feel like we are starting at zero, like the conversation is back at the ground floor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I think it\u2019s probably part of the enemy\u2019s plan, to be honest with you, which is to not build generational influence and impact; to make every generation start at zero, so there\u2019s nothing to carry over. I think that\u2019s probably a huge part of it.<\/p>\n<p>But I think, even increasingly; I don\u2019t know if you saw the latest articles? There\u2019s one about how China raised men versus how the US is raising men that\u2019s getting a ton of attention. The other one on young men being lost in college. We\u2019re moving into a world that is not designed for men in many ways.<\/p>\n<p>I want to be very clear here. I\u2019m not talking like, \u201cPoor men! Oh, poor men.\u201d I want to acknowledge the very real pastoral pain that is under all of the cultural issues that we banter around. I think almost every church is scrambling to do men\u2019s ministry right. It just feels perpetually\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve experienced this\u2014like the curriculum\u2019s out of date.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve never found anyone who says, \u201cThe curriculum\u2019s right on! We\u2019ve got it.\u201d It\u2019s always like: \u201cIt\u2019s dated! It\u2019s dated.\u201d I don\u2019t know what it is. I honestly think it\u2019s probably the enemy\u2019s plan. I\u2019m glad we\u2019re able to re-up one more time, so we can address these things and, hopefully, build some generational legacy.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes. So, talk about where you started. You\u2019ve got a son; you\u2019re trying to be this intentional dad.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Define where you started.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I mean, it honestly started\u2014we were living in Dallas, and I was coming back\u2014this is a shared moment every father has\u2014coming back from the doctor with a, \u201cDo you want to know the gender of your kid?\u201d I was like, \u201cYes.\u201d They said, \u201cIt\u2019s a boy,\u201d and I just remember thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t think I have what it takes. I don\u2019t know how to get this kid into adulthood.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was a youth pastor at the time, as well. So, I was very, very aware of the brokenness of some of the kids in the youth group. We picked these kids up in our minivan, and I saw what absentee fatherhood and what poor parenting did. I was like, \u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2014I want to do better.\u201d It started with a deep sense of resolve, but I felt completely overwhelmed. But I think the journey began there.<\/p>\n<p>I say this book is for one particular kind of dad; here\u2019s who it is: if you are overwhelmed, but determined, this is your book. If you\u2019re doing great, God bless you; keep going. But if you\u2019re not determined, it will be too hard for you, because there\u2019s a real task at hand. But if you\u2019re determined and overwhelmed, I have written this book for you. You want to get it right; you\u2019re like, \u2018I\u2019ll do whatever it takes,\u2019 I\u2019ve got a plan and a path to help with that.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, that was birthed in my heart. I think one of the things I read, and this was an old Stephen Covey thing, that was maybe the one thing I got right for both of my kids\u2014I remember Covey saying, \u201cYou need to give each of your kids one night a week, and it needs to be their time. They set the agenda.\u201d I did that with both of my kids, fairly consistently, their entire lives.<\/p>\n<p>People talk about having date night. I was like, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to have time with your kids like that.\u201d The whole goal was to develop this sacred bond. I felt like, \u201cAs long as I have an emotional, relational attachment, we\u2019ll be able to process and get through everything.\u201d I worked so hard for so many years to build that willingness for my son to spend time with me. A lot of people say, \u201cHow do I get a 13-year-old son to enter into a multi-year, male formation journey?\u201d I said, \u201cI used to take my son to Waffle House in a car carrier.\u201d Then, when he was one, we\u2019d go; when he was two\u2026<\/p>\n<p>So, we just kept that tradition our entire lives.<\/p>\n<p>This book is not a promise that everything will work out fine. My son went through some very hard times. \u201cDad, I don\u2019t want to be a Christian. I don\u2019t think following Jesus is worth it.\u201d But I had that relational connection to say, \u201cThanks for sharing that with me. Let\u2019s talk about that. What about following Jesus is not worth it?\u201d On the surface, I looked, probably, pretty calm, and then I left the room and wept\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and started a 40-day fast. I was like, \u201cGod, I call forth my son\u2019s destiny!\u201d [Laughter] Super intense behind the scenes.<\/p>\n<p>But I developed a bond that enabled it to work. That was, I think, the one thing I knew: \u201cIf this is in place, I can probably handle anything, as long as I maintain this.\u201d Yes, that sort of started when he was born.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Now, you\u2019ve raised a son and daughter. Is it different? This book is for fathers and sons, but is it different with a girl?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes, it is. My wife pulled me aside in the early days. I originally called this \u201cThe Primal Path.\u201d That was what I called this thing with my son. People were like, \u201cOh, that sounds like you want to eat meat and take your shirt off.\u201d [Laughter] I was like, \u201cYou know, I don\u2019t know how to tell you this: 13-year-old boys are not motivated by a sophisticated adult language. They want to feel like it\u2019s got some energy to it.\u201d So, it\u2019s called The Primal Path.<\/p>\n<p>My wife pulled me aside and said, \u201cYou know that a lot of this stuff is true for women too?\u201d I said, \u201cThe number one way to de-motivate a young man is tell him, \u2018This is generic, universal wisdom. You\u2019re not special. This is just stuff that girls know too\u2019.\u2019\u201d I said, \u201cThat\u2019s not the point. It\u2019s the framing of it that\u2019s important.\u201d So, yes, a lot of this stuff is just like helping adolescents move into adulthood in a healthy way; but there are definitely some things that are specific for men.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Although, I know it\u2019s a different conversation; you\u2019re doing a similar, but different thing with your daughter, right?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes, it\u2019s really interesting. This [that] I did with my son, I did it for six years. People said, \u201cThat\u2019s so long.\u201d I was like, \u201cBut I had him the whole time. Do you want me to do a year and then give up on him and wing it for five years?\u201d I was like, \u201cI just worked with the time I had.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My daughter\u2014I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter; but she had a very different personality. She\u2019s very driven, very conscientious, [and] very internally motivated. To be honest with you, my wife did a version of this with my daughter. If she turns that into a thing or not, I don\u2019t know; that\u2019s up to her. That\u2019s not\u2014she doesn\u2019t feel called to it like I did.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: But I knew, \u201cI\u2019ve got to play a significant role in discipling my daughter,\u201d so I did a one-year intensive. That was like, \u201cThe 50 things you\u2019ve got to have in your heart before you leave our house.\u201d We did a lot of this stuff, but it was in a compressed time frame; but in some ways, it was more intense. At some point, I\u2019ll put that out. But what my daughter wanted from me was very, very different than what my son wanted from me. Again, my wife played a major role in discipling my daughter.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Go back\u2014you mentioned the five kinds of fathers. Go back and tell us what those are really quick.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: A lot of this was just like observation; a lot of it, primarily, in my pastoring. There are five kinds of fathers. They all start with \u201cI\u201d because I\u2019m a pastor\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014of course, they do!<\/p>\n<p>Jon: \u2014and if I don\u2019t illiterate, it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat are you doing with that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It doesn\u2019t work. It\u2019s not even true.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: \u201cIt doesn\u2019t work. Make it memorable!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>The first father is an \u201cirresponsible father.\u201d This is a dad, who just bales; [who] does not accept the sacred responsibility of bringing someone into the world, made in the image of God, who relies on them for a sense of purpose and identity; just bales. We obviously know statistically, personally, and sociologically the amount of damage that has, an absent dad.<\/p>\n<p>Then, I talk about \u201cignorant dads.\u201d These are dads who don\u2019t know what they\u2019re doing, and they don\u2019t really want to know. They just prescribe: \u201cWell, when I was your age\u2026,\u201d and \u201cYou should just figure this out.\u201d They have no empathy, no emotional connection. They don\u2019t understand the goal of fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Then you get \u201cinconsistent dads.\u201d These are dads who are torn, often, with either personal brokenness or ambition. They\u2019re in or out, but they\u2019re not fully committed to the task of fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Do you know who Anthony Bourdain is? The famous chef. He was in New York; he was a big deal there. I watched the documentary about the end of his life, trying to ask the question, \u201cWhy did he commit suicide?\u201d One of the things was in there: he had his daughter later in life in a second marriage, and he wanted to be such an ideal dad that he couldn\u2019t sustain it.<\/p>\n<p>He was traveling so much [and] so driven to make his own TV show, he got into this cycle of dysfunction of, \u201cIf I can\u2019t be the perfect dad, I\u2019m going to be a disappointment, so I\u2019ll withdraw; but now, I\u2019m withdrawing and traveling. I love this, but I feel guilty.\u201d [It] did a lot of damage, just like a torn heart in parenting. That\u2019s the inconsistent dad.<\/p>\n<p>Then you\u2019ve got \u201cinvolved dads.\u201d This is like your typical, good American dad. It\u2019s like doing the sex talk, going to the game; just handing out, with good intent, generic Christian wisdom and worldview. If you\u2019ve had a good dad, you know it can change your life and accelerate your call; it\u2019s an extraordinary thing. My dad was an involved dad.<\/p>\n<p>But an \u201cintentional dad\u201d goes one step further, and they ask this: \u201cWho is the kid that God has given me? What is the key to their heart?\u201d And it\u2019s beyond general wisdom and worldview. I\u2019ll give you an example: my whole life, I\u2019ve had the equivalent of a dominant personality; an outgoing leader. But my entire life, I\u2019ve struggled with insecurity, not pride. I\u2019m a reluctant leader. I\u2019m the guy you drag to the mic, not the guy you fight to get it from my hand.<\/p>\n<p>I was super-gifted as a kid, in athletics and academics, so my dad\u2019s advice to me always was like: \u201cDon\u2019t be arrogant! Don\u2019t be arrogant! God is opposed to the proud; don\u2019t be arrogant.\u201d That\u2019s true. But if he\u2019d known my heart, which is a heart of insecurity, he would have always said to me: \u201cHave courage! Never fail to step up. Level up. You\u2019re needed. Your gifts are welcome.\u201d He would have actually said the opposite thing. The general wisdom was true, based on a surface observation, and it was good generic parenting.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: But he didn\u2019t understand the key to my heart, which is like, \u201cI\u2019ve got to inspire confidence in my son, not deal with a pride issue.\u201d The intentional father asks the question: \u201cWhat is the key to my son\u2019s heart? How do I get it? And then, how do I develop him out of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s my vision: to help dads. My guess is like listening to\u2014your audience\u2014if you\u2019re listening to a show about this, you\u2019re probably an involved parent. My goal is to just help push and inspire that to the next level, because I think the joy of being understood, as a young man, by your father is one of the greatest gifts you can have. I want to see that normalized in our world today.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I think a ton of fathers want to, practically, know how to raise a son or sons of character, but they simply lack a way to get started and tracks to run on. Well, Jon has certainly helped us with that; and pushed all our us in the right direction today.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Jon Tyson on FamilyLife Today. Jon\u2019s written a book called The Intentional Father, and this little, helpful book gives activities, rights of passage, and steps for parenting boys. It\u2019s for dads, grandpas, and even expectant fathers. You can pick up a copy of Jon Tyson\u2019s book, The Intentional Father, at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>You know, every now and then, we get to hear from a friend of mine, who also happens to be the President of FamilyLife. Today, he wants to say something to you if you\u2019ve been around for a while here with us:<\/p>\n<p>David: Hey, there! David Robbins here. In my role as President at FamilyLife, I have the privilege of meeting people who are long-time friends of the ministry. They often tell me these amazing stories about listening to FamilyLife Today ten, twenty, and thirty years ago! Meg and I love hearing how this daily program helped them cultivate a God-fearing home and walk in the ways of Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>For these seasoned couples, the days of changing diapers and wiping noses are long passed, and now, those little ones are raising families of their own. For a moment, let me appeal to our long-time friends at FamilyLife. Back in the early days, you probably didn\u2019t have the capacity to give to non-profit ministries like FamilyLife, but now that your kids are on their own, you\u2019re blessed with the financial margin or a little more relaxed.<\/p>\n<p>Today, I want to appeal to those of you who have gone before us. By giving to the matching challenge that\u2019s active right now, you can minister to young families in a way that someone once did for you. You can make a huge impact on some unsuspecting family who wants to cultivate a God-honoring home just as you did. There\u2019s no better time to give than right now!<\/p>\n<p>The incredible matching challenge was set aside by generous friends of FamilyLife, hoping that it would inspire people like you to do the same. Give today at FamilyLifeToday.com, and double the size of your contribution, while also doubling the number of homes that you will impact with the gospel. Together, we\u2019ll continue to pursue the relationships that matter most. Thank you so much for giving today!<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: That\u2019s right; you can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the \u201cDonate Now\u201d button at the top of the page, or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d And feel free to drop us something in the mail if you\u2019d like, too. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.<\/p>\n<p>You know, as a dad, your sons can take your bad habits and wounds that you carry into their lives. That\u2019s why it\u2019s so important to bring in people that you need to fill in the places that you as a father simply can\u2019t. Well, Dave and Ann Wilson, tomorrow, are going to be back again with Jon Tyson to talk about all of that and so much more as we long to raise sons of character and consequence.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n"],"_edit_lock":["1744837095:47000"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_770afd87de920fa8febc0e04b70ee99b68073d48":["\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Name\" type=\"name\"  required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Email\" type=\"email\" required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Website\" type=\"url\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Message\" type=\"textarea\" \/]"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_atts_770afd87de920fa8febc0e04b70ee99b68073d48":["a:17:{s:2:\"to\";s:29:\"margaret.coyle@familylife.com\";s:7:\"subject\";s:63:\"[FamilyLife - A Cru Ministry] The Intentional Father: Jon Tyson\";s:12:\"show_subject\";s:2:\"no\";s:6:\"widget\";i:0;s:14:\"block_template\";N;s:19:\"block_template_part\";N;s:2:\"id\";i:280378;s:18:\"submit_button_text\";s:6:\"Submit\";s:14:\"customThankyou\";s:0:\"\";s:21:\"customThankyouHeading\";s:26:\"Your message has been sent\";s:21:\"customThankyouMessage\";s:30:\"Thank you for your 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strong mentors, boys are walking alone into a wilderness of conflicting messages about who they should be as men. It's no wonder that our sons are confused about what the world expects from them and what they should expect of themselves. Jon Tyson...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Connect with Jon Tyson at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.church.nyc\/\">church.nyc<\/a> and find Jon on social media on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/jontyson\/?hl=en\">Instagram<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>And grab Jon Tyson's book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-intentional-father\/\">The Intentional Father<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>Intrigued by today's episode? Think deeper about <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?s=+fatherhood\">Fatherhood<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Want to hear more episodes by <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/guest\/Jon-Tyson\/\">Jon Tyson, listen here<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-12-11.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>The Intentional Father<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Jon Tyson<\/p>\n<p>From the series:The Intentional Father (Day 1 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:December 11, 2023<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Before we get into the show today, I wanted you to hear one message that was left for us. Check this out:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFamilyLife Today is wonderful! What a great resource for believers who are raising out families, dealing with relationships. Thank you so much! You hit on so many items with children, as a mother-in-law, even in our own marriage. Just keep doing the good work God puts before you. You\u2019re doing a wonderful job. Thank you!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Isn\u2019t that cool to hear? Well, when you partner with us, all month long, your donation will be matched dollar-for-dollar if you choose to sign up to be a monthly partner with FamilyLife Today. So, that means, if you give a gift of $25, it\u2019s going to turn into $50, magically, by the grace of God! If you give $100, it\u2019s going to turn into $200. Every gift that you give for the rest of the month is going to be matched dollar-for-dollar if you become a monthly partner with us. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com to learn more.<\/p>\n<p>Alright, let\u2019s get into the show:<\/p>\n<p>Jon: How can we be at this point in church history, 2000 years in, and this is not a normal part of the evangelical tradition? Why is it that it\u2019s so rare to meet a son that says, \u201cMy father raised me into a man. He did a great job, and I\u2019m a healthy functional adult because of it?\u201d Why is that an exception, not the norm? I don\u2019t know why there\u2019s not some sort of great tradition that is handed down, even inside the church. Why does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this? Why do we always feel like we are starting at zero; like the conversation is back at the ground floor?<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbot, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You grew up without a dad in your home or really influencing your life.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Are you telling me something I don\u2019t know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: No, I\u2019m asking a question: \u201cDid that make you sad or mad, growing up? What did it feel like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, both. Extremely sad. I can remember [lying] in bed at night as a 12- or 13- year-old boy, praying to a God I didn\u2019t believe in: \u201cWhy\u2019d you take my dad?\u201d I mean, he didn\u2019t die; he left. But I sort of wanted to blame God for him not being there. Then, as I got older, mad, like, \u201cWhy did you leave?\u201d and felt like I really, really missed something.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes, it\u2019s been interesting for me to watch you as a dad, because that was always in your head, I think.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The thing that shocked me that I didn\u2019t understand until later was the power of a father.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I sort of thought, because I didn\u2019t have a dad, I wouldn\u2019t copy my dad. Then, as I became a young man, and even when we got married, I was like, \u201cOh, my goodness. I am doing things that I never even saw my dad do because he wasn\u2019t there, but I know he did.\u201d It was like, \u201cWow, the power of a father is powerful. Now, I\u2019m a dad.\u201d I realized: \u201cI am going to impact my boys in a way I don\u2019t even understand.\u201d So, I wanted to do it right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Do you feel like we\u2019re in a culture today that men need help in this area?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve always needed help, but more than ever; and we\u2019ve got help in the studio today.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes; I\u2019m excited.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, we have Jon Tyson, who\u2019s a father, and a pastor, and an author. I mean, as I read your book, it feels like you have a visceral, emotional feeling about fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Jon, welcome to FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Thank you so much for having me on the show. Yes, I do. I have a father\u2019s heart. I think that comes just from the wonder of having kids, yet some of my own brokenness; and certainly, as a pastor over the years, just watching thousands of men deal with father issues. It\u2019s like, \u201cThis is a huge need! We\u2019ve got to talk about it; we\u2019ve got to do something about it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, and our listeners probably are like, \u201cThis dude has an accent. Where\u2019s that come from?\u201d Tell us a little bit of your story.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Okay, I grew up in Australia. I was born in Melbourne, lived in Perth for eight years, and then basically came of age in a city called Adelaide.<\/p>\n<p>I became a Christian the weekend I turned 17 in a Pentecostal youth revival. [I] felt a call to come to the US and serve God that felt like some sort of missionary call. When I was 20, I got a scholarship to study theology and moved over; met my wife doing the campus orientation tour.<\/p>\n<p>I saw her and just remember thinking, \u201cFocusing in Bible college will be harder than I anticipated.\u201d [Laughter] Then [we] fell in love and got married, pretty close to right away, and then had kids right away; and we\u2019ve been at it ever since. We moved to New York 16 years ago to plant a church. Then, we\u2019ve recently become empty nesters. And I\u2019m here to talk about that process of raising my son, in particular, and some of the things I learned as a part of that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Talk about your relationship with your dad. Why is this a passion for you?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: My dad is a good and godly man. My dad is a quiet man; he\u2019s a prayerful man. I remember, at the start of the book, it [says]: \u201cTo my father, Ian Tyson, whose prayers have carried me this far.\u201d That is true. My dad prays for me every day. He prayed me out of rebellion; he prayed me home; went after me in prayer and fasting in my rebellious years.<\/p>\n<p>My grandfather was a very accomplished missionary in India. He was an old-school British missionary, which meant he was amazing at missions and terrible at fatherhood! \u201cDump your kids in a boarding school. If you love your family more than Me, you are not worthy of Me.\u201d So, my dad grew up in India, and developed a condition where he would sleepwalk at night, trying to find his family. They would find him walking around.<\/p>\n<p>I want to honor my grandfather\u2019s legacy, which in many ways was like there\u2019s thousands\u2014at this point, probably hundreds of thousands\u2014of people in the kingdom of God because of his work. But he had a massive flaw, which is, he was a terrible father. He didn\u2019t give my dad what my dad needed. My dad never got a sex talk; never got a talk about money; never got any practical advice about how to grow up.<\/p>\n<p>My dad was resolved to do better than his dad, and my dad did so much better than his dad. But there was still some stuff he didn\u2019t have. He didn\u2019t have some of the tools he needed, particularly for a kid like me. I was a handful, growing up. My dad did everything he knew, and there was some stuff I needed that he didn\u2019t know how to do.<\/p>\n<p>So, when it came to me being a father, I was like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ve got to try and break some generational stuff off of here. I don\u2019t want to react. I\u2019ve got to figure out a way how to do this.\u201d It started me on a huge journey of reading and interviewing men to try and understand: \u201cHow do you get this right?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of the things I learned, reading all of this stuff, was quite simple. There were almost no books about: \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it.\u201d There were dozens of books on wounded men seeking healing, and very few that were like: \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, when I did read those books, \u201cHere\u2019s how to do it,\u201d I was like, \u201cThis is not enough!\u201d A camping trip and a few talks is a thousand times better than what most kids get, but it\u2019s not enough. You\u2019ve got, particularly during adolescence, six-plus years with these kids. You\u2019re going to have to have a plan for every day and every week.<\/p>\n<p>Formation happens in big breakthrough events, but it happens in the everyday moments [too]. I basically realized\u2014which actually stunned me; I was like, \u201cHow can we be at this point in church history, 2000 years in, and this is not a normal part of the evangelical tradition? Why is it that it\u2019s so rare to meet a son that says, \u201cMy father raised me into a man. He did a great job, and I\u2019m a healthy functional adult because of it?\u201d Why is that an exception, not the norm?<\/p>\n<p>I was saddened to have to write this book. I was shocked that there weren\u2019t 20 options like this; I would have just used them.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I felt like, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve got to sort of\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One of my gifts is reading widely, synthesizing it, and then turning it into tools. I felt like, \u201cI think I need to do this.\u201d That\u2019s some of my backstory and some of what informed the writing of this book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Dave, I feel like, for you, you knew\u2014and maybe this is true of a lot of men\u2014and like your dad, Jon; he knew how to build God\u2019s kingdom. And as for you, Dave, I think a lot of men, you knew how to build a career, but when it came to: \u201cHow do you build a family when I\u2019ve never seen it done?\u201d I think that\u2019s a hard lesson to learn, and most men don\u2019t have any idea.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I don\u2019t know what percentage\u2014maybe you do, Jon\u2014would be in that category. But I was definitely that guy. I didn\u2019t have a dad, obviously, so, I didn\u2019t know what it looked like. I didn\u2019t have a Christian background. Then, when I got married, I was like: \u201cWhat is a Christian man? What\u2019s a Christian husband? What\u2019s a Christian dad? What do you do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: And we, as wives, have all kinds of expectations. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes! Ann told me everything I needed to know every day, every hour! [Laughter] \u201cHere\u2019s what you need to do. Why aren\u2019t you doing it?\u201d I mean, we got\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014in some ways, that\u2019s what she did. You know, as a man, sometimes you just push away from that rather than receiving it. I did what you did. I started asking men.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I want to acknowledge that I think there\u2019s a lot of pain in men\u2019s hearts that gets glossed over: a) they\u2019re not willing to be vulnerable with it; b) our culture doesn\u2019t respect men.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Oftentimes, for good reason. But you talk to most men, and below the surface\u2014I mean, Thoreau said, \u201cMost men live lives of quiet desperation.\u201d That continues to be true; there\u2019s a lot of pain under the surface. When you peel back the roof, you often get a lot of dads who are just like, \u201cI don\u2019t know how to do it, and I feel like I\u2019m getting nagged on this. If I knew how to do it, I\u2019d do it. This is not a will issue. I would do this if I knew how to.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There can be a lot of shame when you know you should be doing something that you don\u2019t know how to do; and you want to do it, but you don\u2019t know how to get help. You\u2019re just scrambling, and you know the stakes are so high. It\u2019s a high-pressure environment.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It\u2019s interesting, I recently did a message to men, and I made this comment. It\u2019s exactly what you said, Jon. I said, \u201cMen have LATS,\u201d and I said, \u201cYou think I\u2019m talking about these big abs I have under my pecs. I\u2019m talking L-A-T-S. They\u2019re Lonely, they\u2019re Angry; they\u2019re \u2018Tired;\u2019 they\u2019re \u2018Stressed.\u2019\u201d I started talking about the loneliness of men; we say we have friends, but we really don\u2019t. There\u2019s a sense of anger because we\u2019re carrying so much stuff; nobody seems to know. We\u2019re tired\u2014you know, whatever.<\/p>\n<p>I had more response of people reaching out and saying, \u201cCan we talk about that LATS thing?\u201d because it resonated with men in the room. What you just said is, we do feel this sense of: \u201cI\u2019m supposed to be the man; I\u2019m supposed to be this dad, this husband. I don\u2019t know what that looks like.\u201d Is that what you found?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes. I don\u2019t know why there\u2019s not some sort of great tradition that is handed down, even inside the church. It is like, \u201cWhy does it feel like every generation has to rediscover this? Why do we always feel like we are starting at zero, like the conversation is back at the ground floor?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I think it\u2019s probably part of the enemy\u2019s plan, to be honest with you, which is to not build generational influence and impact; to make every generation start at zero, so there\u2019s nothing to carry over. I think that\u2019s probably a huge part of it.<\/p>\n<p>But I think, even increasingly; I don\u2019t know if you saw the latest articles? There\u2019s one about how China raised men versus how the US is raising men that\u2019s getting a ton of attention. The other one on young men being lost in college. We\u2019re moving into a world that is not designed for men in many ways.<\/p>\n<p>I want to be very clear here. I\u2019m not talking like, \u201cPoor men! Oh, poor men.\u201d I want to acknowledge the very real pastoral pain that is under all of the cultural issues that we banter around. I think almost every church is scrambling to do men\u2019s ministry right. It just feels perpetually\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve experienced this\u2014like the curriculum\u2019s out of date.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve never found anyone who says, \u201cThe curriculum\u2019s right on! We\u2019ve got it.\u201d It\u2019s always like: \u201cIt\u2019s dated! It\u2019s dated.\u201d I don\u2019t know what it is. I honestly think it\u2019s probably the enemy\u2019s plan. I\u2019m glad we\u2019re able to re-up one more time, so we can address these things and, hopefully, build some generational legacy.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes. So, talk about where you started. You\u2019ve got a son; you\u2019re trying to be this intentional dad.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Define where you started.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: I mean, it honestly started\u2014we were living in Dallas, and I was coming back\u2014this is a shared moment every father has\u2014coming back from the doctor with a, \u201cDo you want to know the gender of your kid?\u201d I was like, \u201cYes.\u201d They said, \u201cIt\u2019s a boy,\u201d and I just remember thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t think I have what it takes. I don\u2019t know how to get this kid into adulthood.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was a youth pastor at the time, as well. So, I was very, very aware of the brokenness of some of the kids in the youth group. We picked these kids up in our minivan, and I saw what absentee fatherhood and what poor parenting did. I was like, \u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2014I want to do better.\u201d It started with a deep sense of resolve, but I felt completely overwhelmed. But I think the journey began there.<\/p>\n<p>I say this book is for one particular kind of dad; here\u2019s who it is: if you are overwhelmed, but determined, this is your book. If you\u2019re doing great, God bless you; keep going. But if you\u2019re not determined, it will be too hard for you, because there\u2019s a real task at hand. But if you\u2019re determined and overwhelmed, I have written this book for you. You want to get it right; you\u2019re like, \u2018I\u2019ll do whatever it takes,\u2019 I\u2019ve got a plan and a path to help with that.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, that was birthed in my heart. I think one of the things I read, and this was an old Stephen Covey thing, that was maybe the one thing I got right for both of my kids\u2014I remember Covey saying, \u201cYou need to give each of your kids one night a week, and it needs to be their time. They set the agenda.\u201d I did that with both of my kids, fairly consistently, their entire lives.<\/p>\n<p>People talk about having date night. I was like, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to have time with your kids like that.\u201d The whole goal was to develop this sacred bond. I felt like, \u201cAs long as I have an emotional, relational attachment, we\u2019ll be able to process and get through everything.\u201d I worked so hard for so many years to build that willingness for my son to spend time with me. A lot of people say, \u201cHow do I get a 13-year-old son to enter into a multi-year, male formation journey?\u201d I said, \u201cI used to take my son to Waffle House in a car carrier.\u201d Then, when he was one, we\u2019d go; when he was two\u2026<\/p>\n<p>So, we just kept that tradition our entire lives.<\/p>\n<p>This book is not a promise that everything will work out fine. My son went through some very hard times. \u201cDad, I don\u2019t want to be a Christian. I don\u2019t think following Jesus is worth it.\u201d But I had that relational connection to say, \u201cThanks for sharing that with me. Let\u2019s talk about that. What about following Jesus is not worth it?\u201d On the surface, I looked, probably, pretty calm, and then I left the room and wept\u2014[Laughter]\u2014and started a 40-day fast. I was like, \u201cGod, I call forth my son\u2019s destiny!\u201d [Laughter] Super intense behind the scenes.<\/p>\n<p>But I developed a bond that enabled it to work. That was, I think, the one thing I knew: \u201cIf this is in place, I can probably handle anything, as long as I maintain this.\u201d Yes, that sort of started when he was born.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Now, you\u2019ve raised a son and daughter. Is it different? This book is for fathers and sons, but is it different with a girl?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes, it is. My wife pulled me aside in the early days. I originally called this \u201cThe Primal Path.\u201d That was what I called this thing with my son. People were like, \u201cOh, that sounds like you want to eat meat and take your shirt off.\u201d [Laughter] I was like, \u201cYou know, I don\u2019t know how to tell you this: 13-year-old boys are not motivated by a sophisticated adult language. They want to feel like it\u2019s got some energy to it.\u201d So, it\u2019s called The Primal Path.<\/p>\n<p>My wife pulled me aside and said, \u201cYou know that a lot of this stuff is true for women too?\u201d I said, \u201cThe number one way to de-motivate a young man is tell him, \u2018This is generic, universal wisdom. You\u2019re not special. This is just stuff that girls know too\u2019.\u2019\u201d I said, \u201cThat\u2019s not the point. It\u2019s the framing of it that\u2019s important.\u201d So, yes, a lot of this stuff is just like helping adolescents move into adulthood in a healthy way; but there are definitely some things that are specific for men.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Although, I know it\u2019s a different conversation; you\u2019re doing a similar, but different thing with your daughter, right?<\/p>\n<p>Jon: Yes, it\u2019s really interesting. This [that] I did with my son, I did it for six years. People said, \u201cThat\u2019s so long.\u201d I was like, \u201cBut I had him the whole time. Do you want me to do a year and then give up on him and wing it for five years?\u201d I was like, \u201cI just worked with the time I had.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My daughter\u2014I had a wonderful relationship with my daughter; but she had a very different personality. She\u2019s very driven, very conscientious, [and] very internally motivated. To be honest with you, my wife did a version of this with my daughter. If she turns that into a thing or not, I don\u2019t know; that\u2019s up to her. That\u2019s not\u2014she doesn\u2019t feel called to it like I did.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: But I knew, \u201cI\u2019ve got to play a significant role in discipling my daughter,\u201d so I did a one-year intensive. That was like, \u201cThe 50 things you\u2019ve got to have in your heart before you leave our house.\u201d We did a lot of this stuff, but it was in a compressed time frame; but in some ways, it was more intense. At some point, I\u2019ll put that out. But what my daughter wanted from me was very, very different than what my son wanted from me. Again, my wife played a major role in discipling my daughter.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Go back\u2014you mentioned the five kinds of fathers. Go back and tell us what those are really quick.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: A lot of this was just like observation; a lot of it, primarily, in my pastoring. There are five kinds of fathers. They all start with \u201cI\u201d because I\u2019m a pastor\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014of course, they do!<\/p>\n<p>Jon: \u2014and if I don\u2019t illiterate, it\u2019s like, \u201cWhat are you doing with that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: It doesn\u2019t work. It\u2019s not even true.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: \u201cIt doesn\u2019t work. Make it memorable!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>The first father is an \u201cirresponsible father.\u201d This is a dad, who just bales; [who] does not accept the sacred responsibility of bringing someone into the world, made in the image of God, who relies on them for a sense of purpose and identity; just bales. We obviously know statistically, personally, and sociologically the amount of damage that has, an absent dad.<\/p>\n<p>Then, I talk about \u201cignorant dads.\u201d These are dads who don\u2019t know what they\u2019re doing, and they don\u2019t really want to know. They just prescribe: \u201cWell, when I was your age\u2026,\u201d and \u201cYou should just figure this out.\u201d They have no empathy, no emotional connection. They don\u2019t understand the goal of fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Then you get \u201cinconsistent dads.\u201d These are dads who are torn, often, with either personal brokenness or ambition. They\u2019re in or out, but they\u2019re not fully committed to the task of fatherhood.<\/p>\n<p>Do you know who Anthony Bourdain is? The famous chef. He was in New York; he was a big deal there. I watched the documentary about the end of his life, trying to ask the question, \u201cWhy did he commit suicide?\u201d One of the things was in there: he had his daughter later in life in a second marriage, and he wanted to be such an ideal dad that he couldn\u2019t sustain it.<\/p>\n<p>He was traveling so much [and] so driven to make his own TV show, he got into this cycle of dysfunction of, \u201cIf I can\u2019t be the perfect dad, I\u2019m going to be a disappointment, so I\u2019ll withdraw; but now, I\u2019m withdrawing and traveling. I love this, but I feel guilty.\u201d [It] did a lot of damage, just like a torn heart in parenting. That\u2019s the inconsistent dad.<\/p>\n<p>Then you\u2019ve got \u201cinvolved dads.\u201d This is like your typical, good American dad. It\u2019s like doing the sex talk, going to the game; just handing out, with good intent, generic Christian wisdom and worldview. If you\u2019ve had a good dad, you know it can change your life and accelerate your call; it\u2019s an extraordinary thing. My dad was an involved dad.<\/p>\n<p>But an \u201cintentional dad\u201d goes one step further, and they ask this: \u201cWho is the kid that God has given me? What is the key to their heart?\u201d And it\u2019s beyond general wisdom and worldview. I\u2019ll give you an example: my whole life, I\u2019ve had the equivalent of a dominant personality; an outgoing leader. But my entire life, I\u2019ve struggled with insecurity, not pride. I\u2019m a reluctant leader. I\u2019m the guy you drag to the mic, not the guy you fight to get it from my hand.<\/p>\n<p>I was super-gifted as a kid, in athletics and academics, so my dad\u2019s advice to me always was like: \u201cDon\u2019t be arrogant! Don\u2019t be arrogant! God is opposed to the proud; don\u2019t be arrogant.\u201d That\u2019s true. But if he\u2019d known my heart, which is a heart of insecurity, he would have always said to me: \u201cHave courage! Never fail to step up. Level up. You\u2019re needed. Your gifts are welcome.\u201d He would have actually said the opposite thing. The general wisdom was true, based on a surface observation, and it was good generic parenting.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Jon: But he didn\u2019t understand the key to my heart, which is like, \u201cI\u2019ve got to inspire confidence in my son, not deal with a pride issue.\u201d The intentional father asks the question: \u201cWhat is the key to my son\u2019s heart? How do I get it? And then, how do I develop him out of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s my vision: to help dads. My guess is like listening to\u2014your audience\u2014if you\u2019re listening to a show about this, you\u2019re probably an involved parent. My goal is to just help push and inspire that to the next level, because I think the joy of being understood, as a young man, by your father is one of the greatest gifts you can have. I want to see that normalized in our world today.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: I think a ton of fathers want to, practically, know how to raise a son or sons of character, but they simply lack a way to get started and tracks to run on. Well, Jon has certainly helped us with that; and pushed all our us in the right direction today.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Jon Tyson on FamilyLife Today. Jon\u2019s written a book called The Intentional Father, and this little, helpful book gives activities, rights of passage, and steps for parenting boys. It\u2019s for dads, grandpas, and even expectant fathers. You can pick up a copy of Jon Tyson\u2019s book, The Intentional Father, at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>You know, every now and then, we get to hear from a friend of mine, who also happens to be the President of FamilyLife. Today, he wants to say something to you if you\u2019ve been around for a while here with us:<\/p>\n<p>David: Hey, there! David Robbins here. In my role as President at FamilyLife, I have the privilege of meeting people who are long-time friends of the ministry. They often tell me these amazing stories about listening to FamilyLife Today ten, twenty, and thirty years ago! Meg and I love hearing how this daily program helped them cultivate a God-fearing home and walk in the ways of Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>For these seasoned couples, the days of changing diapers and wiping noses are long passed, and now, those little ones are raising families of their own. For a moment, let me appeal to our long-time friends at FamilyLife. Back in the early days, you probably didn\u2019t have the capacity to give to non-profit ministries like FamilyLife, but now that your kids are on their own, you\u2019re blessed with the financial margin or a little more relaxed.<\/p>\n<p>Today, I want to appeal to those of you who have gone before us. By giving to the matching challenge that\u2019s active right now, you can minister to young families in a way that someone once did for you. You can make a huge impact on some unsuspecting family who wants to cultivate a God-honoring home just as you did. There\u2019s no better time to give than right now!<\/p>\n<p>The incredible matching challenge was set aside by generous friends of FamilyLife, hoping that it would inspire people like you to do the same. Give today at FamilyLifeToday.com, and double the size of your contribution, while also doubling the number of homes that you will impact with the gospel. Together, we\u2019ll continue to pursue the relationships that matter most. Thank you so much for giving today!<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: That\u2019s right; you can go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the \u201cDonate Now\u201d button at the top of the page, or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d And feel free to drop us something in the mail if you\u2019d like, too. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.<\/p>\n<p>You know, as a dad, your sons can take your bad habits and wounds that you carry into their lives. That\u2019s why it\u2019s so important to bring in people that you need to fill in the places that you as a father simply can\u2019t. Well, Dave and Ann Wilson, tomorrow, are going to be back again with Jon Tyson to talk about all of that and so much more as we long to raise sons of character and consequence.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280378","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280378"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280378"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280378"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280378"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280378"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280378"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280378"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}