{"id":280342,"date":"2024-01-30T10:15:00","date_gmt":"2024-01-30T15:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn\/"},"modified":"2025-05-09T11:57:12","modified_gmt":"2025-05-09T15:57:12","slug":"losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn\/","title":{"rendered":"Losing the One I Loved: Ron Deal, Davey &#038; Kristi Blackburn"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Imagine losing your pregnant wife in a home invasion and navigating the challenges of getting remarried years later. Join Ron Deal, Davey and Kristi Blackburn as they share their journey, emphasizing the significance of leaning into the pain of losing someone you love for healing and blending their families.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Imagine losing your pregnant wife in a home invasion and navigating the challenges of getting remarried years later. Join Ron Deal, Davey and Kristi Blackburn as they share their journey, emphasizing the significance of leaning into the pain of losing som&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280866,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/aaf87ac7-0750-4b61-99ee-b154011c75dc\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:40","filesize":"24.45M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2024-01-30 10:15:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2187],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9857,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280342","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-heart-or-head","cwp_profile-davey-and-kristi-blackburn","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/04\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280342\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280342\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"njW3ZxOzg2\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn\/\">Losing the One I Loved: Ron Deal, Davey &#038; Kristi Blackburn<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/losing-the-one-i-loved-ron-deal-davey-kristi-blackburn\/embed\/#?secret=njW3ZxOzg2\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Losing the One I Loved: Ron Deal, Davey &#038; Kristi Blackburn&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"njW3ZxOzg2\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["MS-016366"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/aaf87ac7-0750-4b61-99ee-b154011c75dc\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:26:40"],"filesize":["24.45M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280866"],"show_notes":["<p>Connect with Davey and Kristi Blackburn and catch more of their thoughts at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nothingiswasted.com\/ourstory\">nothingiswasted.com\/ourstory<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/nothingiswastedministries\">And don't miss their thoughts on Instagram!<\/a><br \/>\nLearn more about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blendedandblessed.com\/\">Blended and Blessed!<\/a><br \/>\nCheck out the full episode on <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/117-trusting-god-in-difficult-times\/\">FamilyLife Blended<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/familylife-today-2\/?cru_source=24EGPCandcru_medium=podcastandcru_campaign=FLToday\">Donate to FamilyLife Today!<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-01-30.pdf"],"transcript_content":["<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Losing the One I Loved<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal and Davey and Kristi Blackburn<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Losing the One I Loved] (Day 1 of 1)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:January 30, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Davey: You know, you think about the family of God\u2014it\u2019s a blended family. We, as Gentiles, are grafted in as a blended family. That\u2019s the beauty of what God\u2019s people can be. I think that\u2019s what has stirred my heart in this blended-family thing, as difficult as it can be, is to [say], \u201cWe\u2019re painting a picture for our kids, and for the world around us, of the kingdom of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: There are hard situations in life, and then, there are really hard\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014really hard\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014situations. [Laughter] And not all losses are the same magnitude. Let\u2019s just say this: \u201cNot all blended families begin the same way, but both require really trusting God with what you can\u2019t change or control.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today, we\u2019re talking about some hard stuff. I mean, every family\u2014every person\u2014 goes through difficult\u2014and we were laughing; we said, \u201creally difficult,\u201d but it\u2019s not funny at all\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014no.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014it\u2019s really hard when you\u2019ve got to trust God in hard times; difficult times.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re talking about blended today, because we\u2019re going to listen to a conversation with Ron Deal. He\u2019s the director of our blended family ministry here at FamilyLife\u00ae, and he has a FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast. Today, we\u2019re going to listen to his conversation with Davey and Kristi Blackburn. You and I both remember Davey\u2019s story, which is horrific.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ll let you hear them tell the story. They came into a blended family from very different paths, and had to blend with a couple of kids. And it wasn\u2019t easy, and it isn\u2019t easy. We\u2019re going to just turn it over to Ron and the Blackburns, and let them tell you their story.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Everybody\u2019s journey is a little bit different. Your journey is a little bit different than some of the people who are listening right now, but I think there\u2019s a lot we have in common. Let\u2019s just start with your story. Tell us about how you ended up coming to your blended family.<\/p>\n<p>Davey: Well, both of our stories are two different stories of loss, in different ways, that are converged. And now, trying to weave that family together and graft that family together. I love the fact that you typically reference [that] \u201cblended\u201d is actually a terrible term, because you just don\u2019t stick it into a blender and blend it up, you know? Sometimes you try to, but that's what we're in this space just trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we weave our lives together now after experiencing different types of trauma?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was a pastor and church planter in Indianapolis in 2015, and I lost my wife and our unborn baby. They were murdered in our home, in a home invasion. We had a 15-month-old at the time, and she [my wife] was pregnant with our second, as I just mentioned. Three men were on a random crime spree in our city. They broke into the house three doors down from me, watched me leave for the gym that morning, and decided to break into our home. Amanda, my late wife, was shot three times.<\/p>\n<p>I came home and found her, and it turned my world completely upside down. And so, you know, here I am, overnight, trying to figure out how to grieve the loss\u2014of my best friend, and soulmate, and partner in ministry, and partner in life\u2014and trying to be a single dad to Weston, who is 15 months old; trying to figure out how to pastor the church that we started, who is also grieving; and, \u201cWhat is my calling now that I'm half of what I was?\u201d so to speak.<\/p>\n<p>That's where I wound up at the end of 2015; and, Kristi, you can share a little bit of yours.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: Yes, I was married, and we had a daughter named Natalia. And just over time, we realized it wasn't a healthy marriage for any of us, even for Natalia. We ended the marriage. We found ourselves both single parents and ended up meeting each other during that time.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes, we\u2014fast forward about a year or so later\u2014she began attending the church that I was pastoring. I had gone through this really tremendous healing process. I believe that, really, the big \u201cC\u201d Church had everything to do with it. You know, our story was very public, and there were a lot of disadvantages to that, but one of the advantages was that it seemed like all of Christendom just wrapped their arms around Weston and me. And if you were to build a prescription for our healing, from something that great and that big of a trauma, God wrote that prescription for us.<\/p>\n<p>A little over a year after losing Amanda, I met Kristi. One of the most significant ways that I met her\u2014to save all of the details (we've talked about this exhaustively on different platforms)\u2014but one of the significant things about\u2014shortly after we met, she began attending the church that I pastored. About three or four months later, [we] had, really, our first major conversation.<\/p>\n<p>It was a conversation where she revealed to me that one of the reasons that she had been avoiding me like the plague [Laughter] was that she knew a lot more about our story. She was deeper in our story than what I probably felt comfortable with. I just pressed her on that a little bit, like, \"What are you talking about? What do you mean?\"<\/p>\n<p>This is the first time that my heart came alive again after losing Amanda; that I didn't even realize I could love, and feel, and be attracted or intrigued to somebody again. And so, here's this girl, that I'm intrigued with: she begins to tell me that her stepdad is a chaplain in the Marion County Prison system, and that he has been assigned to the three guys that killed my wife. He ministers to them every single week, sharing the gospel with them.<\/p>\n<p>So now, I'm coming at a head with: \"Here's this girl that awoke my heart, and she's that connected to my story.\"<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Wow.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0And so that began, in me [thinking], \"God's in this. There's something here that God is in, and I've got to chase that down and figure out what that is.\"<\/p>\n<p>She kept avoiding me like the plague [Laughter] until finally, I convinced her to go on a date with me. We began dating and got married at the end of 2017.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Okay, so you guys have just summarized\u2014in about, I don't know, three or four minutes\u2014[about] ten massive earthquakes in your world. And those of us, [who] have been through significant loss, one of the things we have to navigate is telling our story, kind of high level\u2014you know, painting the picture: \"Here's where God was; here's this\u2026\u201d \u201cHere's where some healing came\u2026\u201d \u201cHere's where the new and fresh heart comes alive for something,\u201d \u201cThere's hope for the future.\"<\/p>\n<p>And at the same time, there's a whole huge element of sadness, and sorrow, and bitterness, and anger, and lost relationships, and confusion. Isn't that just the craziness of the grief journey that we live in both of those worlds? You know,\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014that's right.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014somewhat externally. We're high level, and we're sort of painting a quick picture. And yet, day in and day out, behind the scenes, it's ugly sometimes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: When God puts you through grief and suffering, when you go through the other\u2014another time of\u2014grief and suffering, you kind of know the play in a way. You're like, \"Okay, what does God say in Scripture about that? It creates character, perseverance, and hope.\" You just know: \u201cIf I just walk through it, and I just feel all the feelings; if I have the emotions, and I'm able to feel them, and then also just let them go, it will actually be a lot easier for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, honestly, when I think about these seasons of grief and everything like that\u2014oh, they're horrible\u2014I mean, you're on your face; you're wailing; you're weeping. You're like, \"Lord\u2026\" But the beauty of it is, you know there's beauty for ashes every single time; you know there's restoration, because He says He is going to restore.<\/p>\n<p>I think, for a lot of us, when we go through it, it's not like, \u201cIf we're going to go through something hard,\u201d it's \u201cwhen.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0Honestly, I don't\u2014I used to be afraid of the next thing, like: \u201cI don't want to go through the next hard thing and the next hard thing.\u201d It's like, \u201cNo, it's going to happen again; and so, now, how do we walk through it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Davey: What Kristi's saying there is so key in what you alluded to, Ron, that there is this high-level story that we can give you. It's kind of the story arc of our narrative\u2014of our trauma narrative, so to speak\u2014and, you know, it aligns with the story arc of God's narrative, right? of Jesus dying on the cross and the resurrection. If we can see our lives overlaid by that, then we can begin to walk in hope, that we share in the resurrection of Jesus only by sharing in His sufferings; but the key is that we have to lean into [it].<\/p>\n<p>As we summarize that in three minutes, there is, as you said, so much underneath that we've had to dive into\u2014we've been forced to dive into, and we're still diving into. There are still things that are coming up that, as you start\u2014as we start\u2014blending our lives together, and we're parenting, there are things that are constantly coming up that we're having to deal with. But, you know, you can't heal from something that you're not willing to feel through, and so you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014have to go into those deep, dark places of lament, of grief, of sorrow; of working through the hard things if you're going to come through and share in the resurrection of Christ. There is hope in that.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today. We\u2019re listening to just a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and his guests, Davey and Kristi Blackburn.<\/p>\n<p>Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I mean, we\u2019re only half way through the story;\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014it\u2019s intense.<\/p>\n<p>Our FamilyLife Blended ministry loves supporting couples and stepfamilies and educating leaders as to know how the local church can build healthy blended families. This podcast is just one resource.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing: in the next part of Ron\u2019s interview, they talk about how both families and churches, sometimes\u2014and this is true\u2014can become polarized after tragedy. This is sort of hard to believe, but some people didn\u2019t like Kristi becoming the new pastor\u2019s wife.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wouldn\u2019t that be hard to step into?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes. Let\u2019s go back and listen to more.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Community around couples forming blended families, sometimes, is polarized. Some of them knew half of you, but they didn't know the other half of you. They were invested in the old family, if you will. And now, they're trying to figure out how to make space for the new family. That's certainly true of the extended family, right? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins; all of those people have to get used to the new \u201cstep\u201d people coming into the new family as well.<\/p>\n<p>But that dynamic really hits close to home when it involves children. Now, I'm curious about your children. Here's something that's fairly common with blended families when the children are a little older, and they have a lot of memories of the divorce or, you know, the parent who passed away; maybe they're teenagers when all that happened; they're deeply invested in, if I could say it, the old family\u2014what was; and if anything, what they want is mom and dad, who divorced, to get back together again, and so they have an agenda.<\/p>\n<p>But then\u2014when one parent recouples and, you know, marries somebody else, that agenda has been thwarted by the new stepparent. In effect now, there's an easy target; just like with Kristi. You were the easy target for some people within the church context. Sometimes, it's your kids who sort of target that stepparent, [who] just take all that angst out on one of the adults right there in the house, and that's when things get tough for families at times.<\/p>\n<p>I don't know about you guys, [but] one of the stories we hear from families, when the children were really young when they married\u2014as in the case with yours\u2014is that, as they grow, as they kind of get more perspective, and their brains develop, and they can think more abstractly about how life would've been had Mom still been here or Dad still been\u2014sometimes, the angst comes out 15 years later. Have you experienced any of that?<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0I think there are different roles that you can take in a home. I think the term, \u201cstepmom,\u201d for me is actually\u2014I feel like it's a cuss word. I don't like that word. I remember\u2014when I was dating Davey\u2014I remember praying for his son, Weston's, future mom and praying for Davey's future wife, even when I was dating him.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0It's because she didn't\u2014even while she was dating me, she [was] like, \"Eh, he's going to move on.\" [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0All that being said, it's like, when I did step into marrying Davey, I took in Weston like he was a biological kid. I always had the heart of adoption, so I took him in like that; so, he is my son. For us, it was always this: \"Hey, you have the option: you can call me Mom, or you can call me Kristi still,\u201d because when we were dating, it was just \u201cKristi.\u201d He chose to call me \"Mom,\" and he's young at the same time.<\/p>\n<p>And over time, you know, you start getting the different questions. So, that is the hard tension of consistently navigating\u2014because, again, I'm not his stepmom, I'm his mom\u2014and he now has two moms, one in heaven and one on earth. I think when you step into a role\u2014when you step into it with ownership\u2014the kid feels like he belongs somewhere. I think if it's more of this: \"Hey, I'm not your mom,\" then he doesn't\u2014he feels like he doesn't have a place to belong.<\/p>\n<p>Both older kids have mentioned: \"I don't feel like I belong in the family.\"<\/p>\n<p>Davey: When Natalia\u2014she's told us before, \u201cIt feels weird to have two dads.\u201d We've actually heard her say to her friends, \"I have two dads. I know it's weird.\" It's like: \u201cOh, man, that just hurts your heart, because, even though this is essentially her normal and her cognizant memory, it feels like she doesn't belong in a lot of the sectors of society, especially in the church, where it might seem more abnormal to the friends that she's around.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, we want them to\u2014our desire and our heart\u2014is for them to feel like they belong, and try to frame it for her like, \"You've got two families that love you so much,\u201d and, \u201cWhat a blessing this is.\"<\/p>\n<p>I think you use the term \u201cbonus family\u201d a lot of times, right?<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u201cThere's just such a blessing that you have two dads.\u201d We try to do things that encourage that. The last two years at the Daddy-Daughter Dance, both her dad and I took her to the Daddy-Daughter Dance.\u00a0And every year, we're probably going to have to navigate that with her, saying, \"What do you prefer? Do you want to not have to show up with two dads? What does that look like for you?\"<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Great, great thing there: giving a child voice as much as you possibly can, because their choices very well may change one year to the next.<\/p>\n<p>What I would just say to anybody listening who has a similar situation to that\u2014that you've sensed that in kids; I just want to say: \u201cDon't panic,\u201d you know? That is a child working out the reality of their life: \u201cTwo dads; what does that mean for me? Who do I belong with? How do I belong? How do they belong? What's this big picture? How does this make sense?\u201d That is the inevitable walking out of grief into the reality of their life. It's not rejection; it is confusion.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: When Weston said, \"I don't feel like I belong,\" it [was] like, \"Alright, well, let me know how.\" Because when they talk about, when you have kids\u2014and especially, when you're blending\u2014you're supposed to give each kid a role. They have this role in the house. If their role is not fulfilled, then they don't feel like\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014there's some kind of purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0\u2014they have a purpose in the house.<\/p>\n<p>Davey: \u2014meaning.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: We've done all the things, you know.<\/p>\n<p>Literally, his reason was: \"Because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and everybody else has dark hair.\u201d I'm like, \"Okay, so I didn't do anything wrong;\" [Laughter] \u201cAlright, here we go. We got to check that off.\"<\/p>\n<p>But it's been nice to see how both of them are just trying to\u2014I mean, you think about\u2014everybody wants to belong in the world.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0It's not even just in the family, it's in the world. They have that sense because God has created that inside of us, and so, for him specifically, he just wants to understand: \u201cWhy does he look different than the rest of us?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0I think you just touched on something, Babe, that I [think] it's probably\u2014you're the expert on this, Ron\u2014but I think that is paramount to this whole blending family thing: belonging. You know, you think about the family of God. It's a blended family.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes, it is; that's exactly right.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0We, as Gentiles, are grafted into the family of God.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0We were not the original chosen people of the Israelites, if you're not Jewish by heritage. So, we're grafted in as a blended family. That's the beauty of what God's people can be for people who don't have a family (or a functional family, or a healthy, functional family). We can be that for people. I think that's what has stirred my heart in this blended-family thing, as difficult as it can be, [is] to say, \"We're painting a picture for our kids, and for the world around us, of the kingdom of God.\"<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today. We\u2019re listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and guests, Davey and Kristi Blackburn.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve got Ron with us. Ron, I\u2019d love to hear your thoughts. I mean, what a conversation that was. What is the first thing that comes to your mind?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes. Well, first of all, I am just encouraged by how they have dealt with their challenges in life and how they walk in faithfulness. Now, we all know\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this before, you guys and I have\u2014that suffering does not mean faithfulness is pretty.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It\u2019s often very challenging and difficult; but their story encouraged me. I really have enjoyed working with them.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve got to tell you guys, that last comment that Davey made about how we\u2019re all grafted into the kingdom\u2014if we\u2019re a Gentile, we\u2019ve been grafted into the kingdom of what God is doing in the world\u2014really caught me. How that parallels with what the church is doing, and how we open ourselves to people of all shapes, and sizes, and backgrounds, and sin narratives in their stories. We\u2019re all grafted in.<\/p>\n<p>Here's my soapbox about that: he\u2019s referencing Romans, Chapter 11. And in that passage, Paul warns the Gentiles: \u201cNow, listen, because you\u2019ve been grafted, this is not cause for you to become arrogant,\u201d you know? \u201cDon\u2019t be getting proud, because now you\u2019re part of the kingdom.\u201d Here\u2019s the thing: I think sometimes, we do get proud within the church. Sometimes that arrogance is on the other foot; it\u2019s the people who look pretty and seem to have everything together, [and] there\u2019s a temptation to look at others who are coming into the church\u2014and maybe their life is not as pristine as your life is or other people that you think their life should be\u2014and there\u2019s an arrogance that can come where you sort of look at everybody else as less than.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It reminds me of the prodigal: the older brother and the prodigal son story.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s exactly it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When you said that, I honestly thought, \u201cIn the church, we\u2019re known for that.\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s terrible, but I think outsiders to the church think: \u201cChurch people are sort of arrogant, and act and treat others like, \u2018We\u2019re better than you. We\u2019re in; you\u2019re out.\u2019\u201d Man, is that the opposite of the gospel!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Absolutely. That\u2019s right. We should be humbled by being grafted in. We should be full of mercy for others who are finding their way into the kingdom of God, rather than harsh or judgmental.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I mean, they should feel so loved and warm.<\/p>\n<p>As you work with blended families, is that pretty common?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It is. That\u2019s actually one of the biggest barriers to our ministry: people sort of feeling second-class. They\u2019ve been treated that way; they\u2019ve gotten the message that somehow they\u2019re not quite measuring up. They\u2019re even bashful about raising their hand and saying, \u201cHello, pastor. We need a little help,\u201d or \u201cHere\u2019s a new resource\u2014a small group tool\u2014that we can use. Could we start a group?\u201d They\u2019re sort of reticent to stand up and say, \u201cHow about a ministry [for blended families] that we\u2019ll even lead.\u201d It\u2019s just because, sometimes, they\u2019re looked down on. We\u2019ve got to remove that.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not just blended families. I mean, there are people of all walks of life who enter a church environment and think, \u201cBoy, I don\u2019t measure up to these people.\u201d We should be the ones\u2014if we\u2019re on the other side of that equation, we should be the ones\u2014running to them, saying, \u201cWe are so glad you are here. You absolutely belong here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Remember that other comment they made about belonging and how important that is?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s exactly right. We\u2019ve got to delight in people who don\u2019t look like us. We\u2019ve got to make them understand that God is applauding [and] celebrating them stepping near the kingdom of God. When we bridge that, then all of a sudden, the doors fly wide open.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Ann mentioned the prodigal son. You just wonder, \u201cWhat would an outsider, or a blended family, coming into a church feel like if we represented the father, running to them?\u201d If we were the heart of the father, saying: \u201cI see you.\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014\u201cI know your pain. I know your struggle; I\u2019ve struggled as well.\u201d I am at the front door, welcoming you: \u201cYou have no fear here. You\u2019re loved here. There\u2019s family here. Come on in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: The irony is, when we stand in arrogance against other people, we\u2019re really judging ourselves. Think about it! If what we\u2019re saying to others is: \u201cHey, you\u2019ve got to measure up to belong here,\u201d what we\u2019re saying to ourselves is: \u201cIf I don\u2019t measure up, I don\u2019t belong here anymore.\u201d We\u2019re all living in fear at that point. That just cannot be something that we do. That doesn\u2019t open the doors to the body of Christ.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The last thought I had was this family, or this person, or this couple we\u2019re running to\u2014to love them and welcome them\u2014is also in pain. They\u2019re carrying pain, just like the Blackburns are carrying pain; a lot of people know about their pain, but every couple has a struggle; every family is hurting in some way. We get to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to say: \u201cWe know your pain. We\u2019ve experienced that pain,\u201d and \u201cWe know the One who can heal. Let us welcome you [because of] Him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. Ron, thanks for sharing this interview. It was really good. It\u2019s always great to be with you.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Yes, this has been a super-powerful time today. If you want to hear the entire interview with the Blackburns, you can go to the FamilyLife Blended podcast, episode 117 (one hundred seventeen), which is called \u201cTrusting God in Difficult Times,\u201d or you can get the link in today\u2019s Show Notes.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. You know, the ministry that Ron Deal runs is called FamilyLife Blended\u00ae. They have an event coming up called Blended &amp;amp; Blessed\u00ae, a one-day marriage livestream event for couples in blended families.<\/p>\n<p>You know, building unity in a blended family can be extremely difficult. I know; I came from a blended family. We want to encourage you to come join us for the one-day marriage event, Blended &amp;amp; Blessed, as we explore ways to help you have peace in your home and between different homes. This is a live event from the Dallas\/Ft. Worth area, but you can watch it from anywhere in the world as you stream it. It\u2019s happening Saturday, April 27, and you can find out more information by going to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the Blended &amp;amp; Blessed link, or you can find the link in today\u2019s Show Notes.<\/p>\n<p>Do you ever feel like the stuff you\u2019re doing at work doesn\u2019t really matter? Like the people who are fulltime missionaries\u2014those are the people who really are having their work matter and count for the Lord? Well, Jordan Raynor is here tomorrow with Dave and Ann Wilson to talk about the fact [that] that\u2019s not actually true, and what it would look like to integrate your faith into your daily work. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you can join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n"],"_edit_lock":["1746806233:47000"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_08c74b7d7c41b97da9b4139e50f32746d18b3c92":["\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Name\" type=\"name\"  required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Email\" type=\"email\" required=\"true\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Website\" type=\"url\" \/]\n\t\t\t\t[contact-field label=\"Message\" type=\"textarea\" \/]"],"_g_feedback_shortcode_atts_08c74b7d7c41b97da9b4139e50f32746d18b3c92":["a:17:{s:2:\"to\";s:29:\"margaret.coyle@familylife.com\";s:7:\"subject\";s:88:\"[FamilyLife - A Cru Ministry] Losing the One I Loved: Ron Deal, Davey & Kristi Blackburn\";s:12:\"show_subject\";s:2:\"no\";s:6:\"widget\";i:0;s:14:\"block_template\";N;s:19:\"block_template_part\";N;s:2:\"id\";i:280342;s:18:\"submit_button_text\";s:6:\"Submit\";s:14:\"customThankyou\";s:0:\"\";s:21:\"customThankyouHeading\";s:26:\"Your message has been sent\";s:21:\"customThankyouMessage\";s:30:\"Thank you for 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losing your pregnant wife in a home invasion and navigating the challenges of getting remarried years later. Join Ron Deal, Davey and Kristi Blackburn as they share their journey, emphasizing the significance of leaning into the pain of losing som...","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Connect with Davey and Kristi Blackburn and catch more of their thoughts at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nothingiswasted.com\/ourstory\">nothingiswasted.com\/ourstory<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/nothingiswastedministries\">And don't miss their thoughts on Instagram!<\/a><br \/>\nLearn more about <a href=\"https:\/\/www.blendedandblessed.com\/\">Blended and Blessed!<\/a><br \/>\nCheck out the full episode on <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/117-trusting-god-in-difficult-times\/\">FamilyLife Blended<\/a><br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/familylife-today-2\/?cru_source=24EGPCandcru_medium=podcastandcru_campaign=FLToday\">Donate to FamilyLife Today!<\/a><br \/>\nFind resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\n<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-01-30.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript<\/p>\n<p>References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.<\/p>\n<p>Losing the One I Loved<\/p>\n<p>Guests:Ron Deal and Davey and Kristi Blackburn<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Losing the One I Loved] (Day 1 of 1)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:January 30, 2024<\/p>\n<p>Davey: You know, you think about the family of God\u2014it\u2019s a blended family. We, as Gentiles, are grafted in as a blended family. That\u2019s the beauty of what God\u2019s people can be. I think that\u2019s what has stirred my heart in this blended-family thing, as difficult as it can be, is to [say], \u201cWe\u2019re painting a picture for our kids, and for the world around us, of the kingdom of God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Ann: There are hard situations in life, and then, there are really hard\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014really hard\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014situations. [Laughter] And not all losses are the same magnitude. Let\u2019s just say this: \u201cNot all blended families begin the same way, but both require really trusting God with what you can\u2019t change or control.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Today, we\u2019re talking about some hard stuff. I mean, every family\u2014every person\u2014 goes through difficult\u2014and we were laughing; we said, \u201creally difficult,\u201d but it\u2019s not funny at all\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014no.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014it\u2019s really hard when you\u2019ve got to trust God in hard times; difficult times.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re talking about blended today, because we\u2019re going to listen to a conversation with Ron Deal. He\u2019s the director of our blended family ministry here at FamilyLife\u00ae, and he has a FamilyLife Blended\u00ae podcast. Today, we\u2019re going to listen to his conversation with Davey and Kristi Blackburn. You and I both remember Davey\u2019s story, which is horrific.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: I\u2019ll let you hear them tell the story. They came into a blended family from very different paths, and had to blend with a couple of kids. And it wasn\u2019t easy, and it isn\u2019t easy. We\u2019re going to just turn it over to Ron and the Blackburns, and let them tell you their story.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Everybody\u2019s journey is a little bit different. Your journey is a little bit different than some of the people who are listening right now, but I think there\u2019s a lot we have in common. Let\u2019s just start with your story. Tell us about how you ended up coming to your blended family.<\/p>\n<p>Davey: Well, both of our stories are two different stories of loss, in different ways, that are converged. And now, trying to weave that family together and graft that family together. I love the fact that you typically reference [that] \u201cblended\u201d is actually a terrible term, because you just don\u2019t stick it into a blender and blend it up, you know? Sometimes you try to, but that's what we're in this space just trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we weave our lives together now after experiencing different types of trauma?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was a pastor and church planter in Indianapolis in 2015, and I lost my wife and our unborn baby. They were murdered in our home, in a home invasion. We had a 15-month-old at the time, and she [my wife] was pregnant with our second, as I just mentioned. Three men were on a random crime spree in our city. They broke into the house three doors down from me, watched me leave for the gym that morning, and decided to break into our home. Amanda, my late wife, was shot three times.<\/p>\n<p>I came home and found her, and it turned my world completely upside down. And so, you know, here I am, overnight, trying to figure out how to grieve the loss\u2014of my best friend, and soulmate, and partner in ministry, and partner in life\u2014and trying to be a single dad to Weston, who is 15 months old; trying to figure out how to pastor the church that we started, who is also grieving; and, \u201cWhat is my calling now that I'm half of what I was?\u201d so to speak.<\/p>\n<p>That's where I wound up at the end of 2015; and, Kristi, you can share a little bit of yours.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: Yes, I was married, and we had a daughter named Natalia. And just over time, we realized it wasn't a healthy marriage for any of us, even for Natalia. We ended the marriage. We found ourselves both single parents and ended up meeting each other during that time.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes, we\u2014fast forward about a year or so later\u2014she began attending the church that I was pastoring. I had gone through this really tremendous healing process. I believe that, really, the big \u201cC\u201d Church had everything to do with it. You know, our story was very public, and there were a lot of disadvantages to that, but one of the advantages was that it seemed like all of Christendom just wrapped their arms around Weston and me. And if you were to build a prescription for our healing, from something that great and that big of a trauma, God wrote that prescription for us.<\/p>\n<p>A little over a year after losing Amanda, I met Kristi. One of the most significant ways that I met her\u2014to save all of the details (we've talked about this exhaustively on different platforms)\u2014but one of the significant things about\u2014shortly after we met, she began attending the church that I pastored. About three or four months later, [we] had, really, our first major conversation.<\/p>\n<p>It was a conversation where she revealed to me that one of the reasons that she had been avoiding me like the plague [Laughter] was that she knew a lot more about our story. She was deeper in our story than what I probably felt comfortable with. I just pressed her on that a little bit, like, \"What are you talking about? What do you mean?\"<\/p>\n<p>This is the first time that my heart came alive again after losing Amanda; that I didn't even realize I could love, and feel, and be attracted or intrigued to somebody again. And so, here's this girl, that I'm intrigued with: she begins to tell me that her stepdad is a chaplain in the Marion County Prison system, and that he has been assigned to the three guys that killed my wife. He ministers to them every single week, sharing the gospel with them.<\/p>\n<p>So now, I'm coming at a head with: \"Here's this girl that awoke my heart, and she's that connected to my story.\"<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Wow.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0And so that began, in me [thinking], \"God's in this. There's something here that God is in, and I've got to chase that down and figure out what that is.\"<\/p>\n<p>She kept avoiding me like the plague [Laughter] until finally, I convinced her to go on a date with me. We began dating and got married at the end of 2017.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Okay, so you guys have just summarized\u2014in about, I don't know, three or four minutes\u2014[about] ten massive earthquakes in your world. And those of us, [who] have been through significant loss, one of the things we have to navigate is telling our story, kind of high level\u2014you know, painting the picture: \"Here's where God was; here's this\u2026\u201d \u201cHere's where some healing came\u2026\u201d \u201cHere's where the new and fresh heart comes alive for something,\u201d \u201cThere's hope for the future.\"<\/p>\n<p>And at the same time, there's a whole huge element of sadness, and sorrow, and bitterness, and anger, and lost relationships, and confusion. Isn't that just the craziness of the grief journey that we live in both of those worlds? You know,\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014that's right.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014somewhat externally. We're high level, and we're sort of painting a quick picture. And yet, day in and day out, behind the scenes, it's ugly sometimes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: When God puts you through grief and suffering, when you go through the other\u2014another time of\u2014grief and suffering, you kind of know the play in a way. You're like, \"Okay, what does God say in Scripture about that? It creates character, perseverance, and hope.\" You just know: \u201cIf I just walk through it, and I just feel all the feelings; if I have the emotions, and I'm able to feel them, and then also just let them go, it will actually be a lot easier for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So, honestly, when I think about these seasons of grief and everything like that\u2014oh, they're horrible\u2014I mean, you're on your face; you're wailing; you're weeping. You're like, \"Lord\u2026\" But the beauty of it is, you know there's beauty for ashes every single time; you know there's restoration, because He says He is going to restore.<\/p>\n<p>I think, for a lot of us, when we go through it, it's not like, \u201cIf we're going to go through something hard,\u201d it's \u201cwhen.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0Honestly, I don't\u2014I used to be afraid of the next thing, like: \u201cI don't want to go through the next hard thing and the next hard thing.\u201d It's like, \u201cNo, it's going to happen again; and so, now, how do we walk through it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Davey: What Kristi's saying there is so key in what you alluded to, Ron, that there is this high-level story that we can give you. It's kind of the story arc of our narrative\u2014of our trauma narrative, so to speak\u2014and, you know, it aligns with the story arc of God's narrative, right? of Jesus dying on the cross and the resurrection. If we can see our lives overlaid by that, then we can begin to walk in hope, that we share in the resurrection of Jesus only by sharing in His sufferings; but the key is that we have to lean into [it].<\/p>\n<p>As we summarize that in three minutes, there is, as you said, so much underneath that we've had to dive into\u2014we've been forced to dive into, and we're still diving into. There are still things that are coming up that, as you start\u2014as we start\u2014blending our lives together, and we're parenting, there are things that are constantly coming up that we're having to deal with. But, you know, you can't heal from something that you're not willing to feel through, and so you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0\u2014exactly.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014have to go into those deep, dark places of lament, of grief, of sorrow; of working through the hard things if you're going to come through and share in the resurrection of Christ. There is hope in that.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today. We\u2019re listening to just a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and his guests, Davey and Kristi Blackburn.<\/p>\n<p>Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I mean, we\u2019re only half way through the story;\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014it\u2019s intense.<\/p>\n<p>Our FamilyLife Blended ministry loves supporting couples and stepfamilies and educating leaders as to know how the local church can build healthy blended families. This podcast is just one resource.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the thing: in the next part of Ron\u2019s interview, they talk about how both families and churches, sometimes\u2014and this is true\u2014can become polarized after tragedy. This is sort of hard to believe, but some people didn\u2019t like Kristi becoming the new pastor\u2019s wife.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Wouldn\u2019t that be hard to step into?<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Oh, yes. Let\u2019s go back and listen to more.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Community around couples forming blended families, sometimes, is polarized. Some of them knew half of you, but they didn't know the other half of you. They were invested in the old family, if you will. And now, they're trying to figure out how to make space for the new family. That's certainly true of the extended family, right? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins; all of those people have to get used to the new \u201cstep\u201d people coming into the new family as well.<\/p>\n<p>But that dynamic really hits close to home when it involves children. Now, I'm curious about your children. Here's something that's fairly common with blended families when the children are a little older, and they have a lot of memories of the divorce or, you know, the parent who passed away; maybe they're teenagers when all that happened; they're deeply invested in, if I could say it, the old family\u2014what was; and if anything, what they want is mom and dad, who divorced, to get back together again, and so they have an agenda.<\/p>\n<p>But then\u2014when one parent recouples and, you know, marries somebody else, that agenda has been thwarted by the new stepparent. In effect now, there's an easy target; just like with Kristi. You were the easy target for some people within the church context. Sometimes, it's your kids who sort of target that stepparent, [who] just take all that angst out on one of the adults right there in the house, and that's when things get tough for families at times.<\/p>\n<p>I don't know about you guys, [but] one of the stories we hear from families, when the children were really young when they married\u2014as in the case with yours\u2014is that, as they grow, as they kind of get more perspective, and their brains develop, and they can think more abstractly about how life would've been had Mom still been here or Dad still been\u2014sometimes, the angst comes out 15 years later. Have you experienced any of that?<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0I think there are different roles that you can take in a home. I think the term, \u201cstepmom,\u201d for me is actually\u2014I feel like it's a cuss word. I don't like that word. I remember\u2014when I was dating Davey\u2014I remember praying for his son, Weston's, future mom and praying for Davey's future wife, even when I was dating him.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0It's because she didn't\u2014even while she was dating me, she [was] like, \"Eh, he's going to move on.\" [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0All that being said, it's like, when I did step into marrying Davey, I took in Weston like he was a biological kid. I always had the heart of adoption, so I took him in like that; so, he is my son. For us, it was always this: \"Hey, you have the option: you can call me Mom, or you can call me Kristi still,\u201d because when we were dating, it was just \u201cKristi.\u201d He chose to call me \"Mom,\" and he's young at the same time.<\/p>\n<p>And over time, you know, you start getting the different questions. So, that is the hard tension of consistently navigating\u2014because, again, I'm not his stepmom, I'm his mom\u2014and he now has two moms, one in heaven and one on earth. I think when you step into a role\u2014when you step into it with ownership\u2014the kid feels like he belongs somewhere. I think if it's more of this: \"Hey, I'm not your mom,\" then he doesn't\u2014he feels like he doesn't have a place to belong.<\/p>\n<p>Both older kids have mentioned: \"I don't feel like I belong in the family.\"<\/p>\n<p>Davey: When Natalia\u2014she's told us before, \u201cIt feels weird to have two dads.\u201d We've actually heard her say to her friends, \"I have two dads. I know it's weird.\" It's like: \u201cOh, man, that just hurts your heart, because, even though this is essentially her normal and her cognizant memory, it feels like she doesn't belong in a lot of the sectors of society, especially in the church, where it might seem more abnormal to the friends that she's around.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know, we want them to\u2014our desire and our heart\u2014is for them to feel like they belong, and try to frame it for her like, \"You've got two families that love you so much,\u201d and, \u201cWhat a blessing this is.\"<\/p>\n<p>I think you use the term \u201cbonus family\u201d a lot of times, right?<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u201cThere's just such a blessing that you have two dads.\u201d We try to do things that encourage that. The last two years at the Daddy-Daughter Dance, both her dad and I took her to the Daddy-Daughter Dance.\u00a0And every year, we're probably going to have to navigate that with her, saying, \"What do you prefer? Do you want to not have to show up with two dads? What does that look like for you?\"<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Great, great thing there: giving a child voice as much as you possibly can, because their choices very well may change one year to the next.<\/p>\n<p>What I would just say to anybody listening who has a similar situation to that\u2014that you've sensed that in kids; I just want to say: \u201cDon't panic,\u201d you know? That is a child working out the reality of their life: \u201cTwo dads; what does that mean for me? Who do I belong with? How do I belong? How do they belong? What's this big picture? How does this make sense?\u201d That is the inevitable walking out of grief into the reality of their life. It's not rejection; it is confusion.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: When Weston said, \"I don't feel like I belong,\" it [was] like, \"Alright, well, let me know how.\" Because when they talk about, when you have kids\u2014and especially, when you're blending\u2014you're supposed to give each kid a role. They have this role in the house. If their role is not fulfilled, then they don't feel like\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0\u2014there's some kind of purpose.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0\u2014they have a purpose in the house.<\/p>\n<p>Davey: \u2014meaning.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi: We've done all the things, you know.<\/p>\n<p>Literally, his reason was: \"Because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and everybody else has dark hair.\u201d I'm like, \"Okay, so I didn't do anything wrong;\" [Laughter] \u201cAlright, here we go. We got to check that off.\"<\/p>\n<p>But it's been nice to see how both of them are just trying to\u2014I mean, you think about\u2014everybody wants to belong in the world.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Kristi:\u00a0It's not even just in the family, it's in the world. They have that sense because God has created that inside of us, and so, for him specifically, he just wants to understand: \u201cWhy does he look different than the rest of us?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0I think you just touched on something, Babe, that I [think] it's probably\u2014you're the expert on this, Ron\u2014but I think that is paramount to this whole blending family thing: belonging. You know, you think about the family of God. It's a blended family.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0Yes, it is; that's exactly right.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0We, as Gentiles, are grafted into the family of God.<\/p>\n<p>Ron:\u00a0That's right.<\/p>\n<p>Davey:\u00a0We were not the original chosen people of the Israelites, if you're not Jewish by heritage. So, we're grafted in as a blended family. That's the beauty of what God's people can be for people who don't have a family (or a functional family, or a healthy, functional family). We can be that for people. I think that's what has stirred my heart in this blended-family thing, as difficult as it can be, [is] to say, \"We're painting a picture for our kids, and for the world around us, of the kingdom of God.\"<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>Ann: You\u2019re listening to FamilyLife Today. We\u2019re listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and guests, Davey and Kristi Blackburn.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: We\u2019ve got Ron with us. Ron, I\u2019d love to hear your thoughts. I mean, what a conversation that was. What is the first thing that comes to your mind?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Yes. Well, first of all, I am just encouraged by how they have dealt with their challenges in life and how they walk in faithfulness. Now, we all know\u2014we\u2019ve talked about this before, you guys and I have\u2014that suffering does not mean faithfulness is pretty.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Right.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It\u2019s often very challenging and difficult; but their story encouraged me. I really have enjoyed working with them.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve got to tell you guys, that last comment that Davey made about how we\u2019re all grafted into the kingdom\u2014if we\u2019re a Gentile, we\u2019ve been grafted into the kingdom of what God is doing in the world\u2014really caught me. How that parallels with what the church is doing, and how we open ourselves to people of all shapes, and sizes, and backgrounds, and sin narratives in their stories. We\u2019re all grafted in.<\/p>\n<p>Here's my soapbox about that: he\u2019s referencing Romans, Chapter 11. And in that passage, Paul warns the Gentiles: \u201cNow, listen, because you\u2019ve been grafted, this is not cause for you to become arrogant,\u201d you know? \u201cDon\u2019t be getting proud, because now you\u2019re part of the kingdom.\u201d Here\u2019s the thing: I think sometimes, we do get proud within the church. Sometimes that arrogance is on the other foot; it\u2019s the people who look pretty and seem to have everything together, [and] there\u2019s a temptation to look at others who are coming into the church\u2014and maybe their life is not as pristine as your life is or other people that you think their life should be\u2014and there\u2019s an arrogance that can come where you sort of look at everybody else as less than.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: It reminds me of the prodigal: the older brother and the prodigal son story.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s exactly it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: When you said that, I honestly thought, \u201cIn the church, we\u2019re known for that.\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s terrible, but I think outsiders to the church think: \u201cChurch people are sort of arrogant, and act and treat others like, \u2018We\u2019re better than you. We\u2019re in; you\u2019re out.\u2019\u201d Man, is that the opposite of the gospel!<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Absolutely. That\u2019s right. We should be humbled by being grafted in. We should be full of mercy for others who are finding their way into the kingdom of God, rather than harsh or judgmental.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Yes, I mean, they should feel so loved and warm.<\/p>\n<p>As you work with blended families, is that pretty common?<\/p>\n<p>Ron: It is. That\u2019s actually one of the biggest barriers to our ministry: people sort of feeling second-class. They\u2019ve been treated that way; they\u2019ve gotten the message that somehow they\u2019re not quite measuring up. They\u2019re even bashful about raising their hand and saying, \u201cHello, pastor. We need a little help,\u201d or \u201cHere\u2019s a new resource\u2014a small group tool\u2014that we can use. Could we start a group?\u201d They\u2019re sort of reticent to stand up and say, \u201cHow about a ministry [for blended families] that we\u2019ll even lead.\u201d It\u2019s just because, sometimes, they\u2019re looked down on. We\u2019ve got to remove that.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not just blended families. I mean, there are people of all walks of life who enter a church environment and think, \u201cBoy, I don\u2019t measure up to these people.\u201d We should be the ones\u2014if we\u2019re on the other side of that equation, we should be the ones\u2014running to them, saying, \u201cWe are so glad you are here. You absolutely belong here.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Remember that other comment they made about belonging and how important that is?<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s exactly right. We\u2019ve got to delight in people who don\u2019t look like us. We\u2019ve got to make them understand that God is applauding [and] celebrating them stepping near the kingdom of God. When we bridge that, then all of a sudden, the doors fly wide open.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: Ann mentioned the prodigal son. You just wonder, \u201cWhat would an outsider, or a blended family, coming into a church feel like if we represented the father, running to them?\u201d If we were the heart of the father, saying: \u201cI see you.\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u2014\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave: \u2014\u201cI know your pain. I know your struggle; I\u2019ve struggled as well.\u201d I am at the front door, welcoming you: \u201cYou have no fear here. You\u2019re loved here. There\u2019s family here. Come on in.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann: \u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: The irony is, when we stand in arrogance against other people, we\u2019re really judging ourselves. Think about it! If what we\u2019re saying to others is: \u201cHey, you\u2019ve got to measure up to belong here,\u201d what we\u2019re saying to ourselves is: \u201cIf I don\u2019t measure up, I don\u2019t belong here anymore.\u201d We\u2019re all living in fear at that point. That just cannot be something that we do. That doesn\u2019t open the doors to the body of Christ.<\/p>\n<p>Dave: The last thought I had was this family, or this person, or this couple we\u2019re running to\u2014to love them and welcome them\u2014is also in pain. They\u2019re carrying pain, just like the Blackburns are carrying pain; a lot of people know about their pain, but every couple has a struggle; every family is hurting in some way. We get to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to say: \u201cWe know your pain. We\u2019ve experienced that pain,\u201d and \u201cWe know the One who can heal. Let us welcome you [because of] Him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ron: That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p>Ann: Yes. Ron, thanks for sharing this interview. It was really good. It\u2019s always great to be with you.<\/p>\n<p>Ron: Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p>Shelby: Yes, this has been a super-powerful time today. If you want to hear the entire interview with the Blackburns, you can go to the FamilyLife Blended podcast, episode 117 (one hundred seventeen), which is called \u201cTrusting God in Difficult Times,\u201d or you can get the link in today\u2019s Show Notes.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. You know, the ministry that Ron Deal runs is called FamilyLife Blended\u00ae. They have an event coming up called Blended &amp;amp; Blessed\u00ae, a one-day marriage livestream event for couples in blended families.<\/p>\n<p>You know, building unity in a blended family can be extremely difficult. I know; I came from a blended family. We want to encourage you to come join us for the one-day marriage event, Blended &amp;amp; Blessed, as we explore ways to help you have peace in your home and between different homes. This is a live event from the Dallas\/Ft. Worth area, but you can watch it from anywhere in the world as you stream it. It\u2019s happening Saturday, April 27, and you can find out more information by going to FamilyLifeToday.com. Click on the Blended &amp;amp; Blessed link, or you can find the link in today\u2019s Show Notes.<\/p>\n<p>Do you ever feel like the stuff you\u2019re doing at work doesn\u2019t really matter? Like the people who are fulltime missionaries\u2014those are the people who really are having their work matter and count for the Lord? Well, Jordan Raynor is here tomorrow with Dave and Ann Wilson to talk about the fact [that] that\u2019s not actually true, and what it would look like to integrate your faith into your daily work. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you can join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280342","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280342"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280866"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280342"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280342"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280342"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}