{"id":280252,"date":"2024-06-07T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-06-07T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens\/"},"modified":"2024-11-19T04:15:06","modified_gmt":"2024-11-19T09:15:06","slug":"father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens\/","title":{"rendered":"Father Wound: How to Heal: Kia Stephens"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Could your father wound affect your marriage? Maybe it surfaces in struggling with trust, low self-esteem, or difficulty forming healthy boundaries. Kia Stephens helps you learn how to heal, using practical tools to overcome insecurities and find wholeness with God.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Father wounds affecting your marriage? Maybe you&#8217;ve got trust issues, low self-esteem, boundary struggles. Kia Stephens offers real tools for healing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/edbd1c6e-f1b5-4f6c-aa66-b17f0159b8f8\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:32:40","filesize":"29.95M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[],"tags":[2107],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9941],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-280252","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-father-wound","cwp_profile-kia-stephens","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/280252\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/280252\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"BrBz3uD6xi\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens\/\">Father Wound: How to Heal: Kia Stephens<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/father-wound-how-to-heal-kia-stephens\/embed\/#?secret=BrBz3uD6xi\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Father Wound: How to Heal: Kia Stephens&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"BrBz3uD6xi\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["edbd1c6e-f1b5-4f6c-aa66-b17f0159b8f8"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/edbd1c6e-f1b5-4f6c-aa66-b17f0159b8f8\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:32:40"],"filesize":["29.95M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280865"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li>Connect with Kia Stephens and catch more of their thoughts at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.kiastephens.com\/\">kiastephens.com<\/a> and on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/KiaNicolStephens\/\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/kianstephens\/\">Instagram<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/KiaNStephens\">X<\/a> @kianstephens.<\/li>\n<li>And grab Kia Stephen\u2019s book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/overcoming-father-wounds-exchanging-your-pain-for-gods-perfect-love\">\"Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God's Perfect Love\"<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>Intrigued by today\u2019s episode? Think deeper about Wounds by listening to \"<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/where-is-god-in-my-deepest-wounds\/\">Where is God in my Deepest Wounds?<\/a>\"<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>FamilyLife Today's Resources<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Reconnect and thrive together in the beautiful masterpiece of a <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/art-of-marriage\/home\/\">God-designed marriage with Art of Marriage<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-06-07.pdf"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nFather Wound: How to Heal\r\n\r\nGuest:Kia Stephens\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Overcoming Father Wounds (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:June 7, 2024\r\n\r\nDave: Okay, before we get started today, I\u2019ve got a question for you\u2014not you, Ann; our listeners. Where are you listening from? \r\n\r\nAnn: You know that we\u2019re from Detroit. \r\n\r\nDave: Motor City. \r\n\r\nAnn: Shelby\u2019s in the Philly area, and our FamilyLife Today Headquarters is in Orlando. \r\n\r\nDave: So, we\u2019re coming to you guys from all over the country, but what about you? We would love to know if you are in one of those areas or where else you consider home.\r\n\r\nAnn: Text \u201cFLT\u201d plus where you are listening from to 80542 to let us know. Again, you\u2019re going to text \u201cFLT\u201d plus where you are listening from to 80542. \r\n\r\nKia: I flew, and I went and picked my dad up. Tears were streaming down his face, and he said, \u201cYou know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Whoa!\r\n\r\nKia: I sat there just stunned because I saw the remorse. My response could have been, \u201cWell, you\u2019re darn right! You\u2019re exactly right!\u201d But what I said was, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Dad. We all have things that we\u2019ve got to work through.\u201d\r\n\r\nTracy: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. This is Tracy Lane from the FamilyLife Content Team, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. \r\n\r\nThis is FamilyLife Today!\r\n\r\nDave: Today, we\u2019re talking about something I was thinking about this way: it\u2019s like most people are walking around with this little thing they\u2019re carrying. They don\u2019t know that they\u2019re carrying it, but it\u2019s weight. \r\n\r\nAnn: I see it as not just a weight; I see it as a wound that\u2019s open, and we\u2019re sick inside. We don\u2019t even know what normal feels like. \r\n\r\nDave: Our listeners are thinking: \u201cWhat in the world are you talking about?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cCould you name this wound?\u201d \r\n\r\nYes, it\u2019s called \u201cthe father wound.\u201d Kia Stephens is back with us. She was with us yesterday talking about her book, Overcoming Father Wounds. Kia, welcome back. \r\n\r\nKia: Hey, it\u2019s great to be back with you talking about such an upbeat topic. [Laughter] I\u2019m so glad to be here. \r\n\r\nAnn: No, I\u2019m really excited about this because, as we said, most of us, I would guess, are waking around with wounds. I had a great dad. He was present. \r\n\r\nDave: He was a good man; a very good dad.  \r\n\r\nAnn: He was a really\u2014not a believer for years and years. We had hard conversations about this. I would get mad; he would get mad. I still had a wound, but at least we could talk about the wound. \r\n\r\nA lot of us, like you said yesterday, your dad wasn\u2019t able ready to receive maybe the words that you were saying or, even, you couldn\u2019t have the relationship that you longed for. I think that\u2019s true for a lot of people. \r\n\r\nDave: Yes, and let me say this to the listener: if you didn\u2019t listen to yesterday, go back, because you want to hear Kia\u2019s story of her father wound; my father wound, Ann\u2019s. \r\n\r\nBut let\u2019s start here: how would a person know if they have it? Can you define it or help us understand: \u201cI don\u2019t think I have that, but maybe I do?\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: You were saying, Ann, that you thought a lot of people had a father wound. It\u2019s one in three children that grow up with father wounds. \r\n\r\nAnn: Wow!\r\n\r\nKia: Father wounds are synonymous with father absenteeism. We know that a father can be absent for a myriad of reasons. It could be divorce, abandonment, abuse, incarceration, drug addiction, alcoholism, as it was in my case, alcoholism.\r\n\r\nDave: It could be working too much. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, that\u2019s what I was going to say\u2014a physically present father, but emotionally absent. If you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re seeing one of those qualifiers, and there are additional ones, then you may in fact have a father wound. \r\n\r\nIn my research, I read this book by Dr. Charles Whitfield. He\u2019s now deceased. He listed inside of this book several needs that need to be met in the child\u2019s life: things like love, attention, validation, acceptance, trust, affirmation, safety, security. These are some needs that you need to grow up with that secure attachment style that we were talking about.\r\n\r\nThere are some needs, I believe, that the father specifically provides. Naturally, we think about these gender roles of the mother as the nurturer. But the father provides security; the father affirms the femininity of the daughter. \r\n\r\nIf the father is not in the home to do those things, then the daughter is left to do it for herself, often with costly results, as we see with the statistic: daughters who grow up without a father in the home are \u201cx\u201d amount more likely to have a teenage pregnancy, or they\u2019re \u201cx\u201d amount more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol and risky behavior, or get involved in crime. \r\n\r\nI would venture to say that, if we examine the lives, and it has been done\u2014it\u2019s been done with prisoners\u2014how many of them did not have a father? \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, as you were saying all those statistics, I was recalling, I think I was eight years old when I went in the room\u2014and my dad always kissed me goodnight; so, I went in to the room\u2014where he was to say goodnight to my parents. I remember saying, as an eight-year-old, \u201cMaybe I\u2019m too old to do this now?\u201d \r\n\r\nMy dad said, \u201cWell, maybe you are,\u201d and it was the last time he ever hugged and kissed me. [Gasping]\r\n\r\nKia: Oh!\r\n\r\nAnn: I remember, I went to bed that night, and I had this void [and thought], \u201cI wish I hadn\u2019t said that, and I hope he still does.\u201d But he didn\u2019t know. At that point, I had already had a lot of sexual abuse in my background. So, his hugs, his kiss at night, which were just totally appropriate and beautiful, were the only times I had had affection that was not distorted. \r\n\r\nKia: Oh, Ann!\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m thinking of the fathers who, even as their girls become teenagers and you\u2019re in that awkward stage because she\u2019s becoming a woman, let me just say, \u201cShe needs your appropriate physical touch and affection.\u201d Because I went on, [and] I was so promiscuous. You talk about this in the book of, even, some of the signs of possible father wounds and our needs not being met. \r\n\r\nBut dads, your little girls need this from you in an appropriate way. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes. I actually read a book, Bringing Up Girls, by Dr. James Dobson. He talks about that. He talks about the awkwardness, and father\u2019s not wanting to touch their daughters or hug their daughters because they are starting to look like women\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014right.\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014so there\u2019s a little discomfort with that. But that is the time\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014that is the time!\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014more so than when they are little. Yes, do it when they are little, but when they are teenagers, and they\u2019re developing, and they\u2019re turning to the opposite sex to define them and to give them the value and the affirmation, when a daughter has received that from her father, and she gets a subpar comment or statement from a male, she can easily say, \u201cI don\u2019t need it.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cI don\u2019t need that.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: \u201cI\u2019ve got it.\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cI\u2019ve already got it. My dad already told me who I am. I already know that I\u2019m beautiful. I already know that I\u2019m confident.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019ve said it this way: you\u2019re driving your car, and you\u2019ve got a full gas tank. You drive by a gas station, and you don\u2019t stop, but when you are almost on empty, you\u2019re pulling in; and you get in trouble, like you said. \r\n\r\nLet me just add this: boys need it from their dad, too\u2014\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014exactly. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014not just daughters\u2014a hug, affection in an appropriate way, a look that says, \u201cI believe in you. I see you, and you\u2019ve got what it takes.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: And if a father\u2019s not at home, a grandfather, too. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, that\u2019s right. Life is how life is, and families are not perfect. These parents or parental figures, we\u2019ve set on pedestals because we love them. They\u2019re our parents. We see no flaws. They\u2019re our parents. \r\n\r\nBut when you get old enough, you can say, \u201cMy dad was a great provider. He was not affectionate,\u201d or \u201cMy dad was affectionate, but he wasn\u2019t attentive, and he didn\u2019t come to that volleyball game,\u201d or \u201cMy dad was a leader in church, but he was absent when he came home. He watched TV all day. He never asked me about my day,\u201d or \u201cMy dad had an affair,\u201d or \u201cMy dad hit my mom,\u201d or \u201cHe called her a name,\u201d or \u201cFor most of the time he was even, but every now and then, he would get upset and fly off the handle. He never hit anybody, he never cursed, but it scared me because I\u2019m sensitive.\u201d \r\n\r\nWhen you get older, you\u2019re able to\u2014hopefully, prayerfully, with counseling and some help, you\u2019re able to\u2014look at it holistically and with balance and say, \u201cThis is true, but this is also true,\u201d and \u201cThis is how it has impacted me in my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: How did you heal? I know we\u2019re all still on a journey, but you\u2019ve gotten some closure.\r\n\r\nKia: I have gotten some closure, and then there were some more things that opened up. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nDave: That\u2019s how it goes.\r\n\r\nKia: When you\u2019re writing a book it\u2019s like, right before you birth the book baby, I was thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t know why I\u2019m writing this book in the first place! I don\u2019t know if I believer this anymore.\u201d [Whining Voice] I\u2019m keeping it 100. That\u2019s where I was. \r\n\r\nBut a friend of mine pointed up about this book, and I wasn\u2019t intentional in doing that, that the title says \u201cOvercoming,\u201d and the i-n-g is present progressive, which means it\u2019s happening right now. I\u2019m in the process of overcoming\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014in real time, and in the future. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, it\u2019s not a period. I want to preface anything I say from this point forward with the fact that i-n-g is present progressive. I don\u2019t want anyone to feel like, \u201cI\u2019m not far enough,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m just starting out,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m too far gone,\u201d or \u201cThere\u2019s nothing God can do with me,\u201d or \u201cLook at all these wounds.\u201d If you identify it: \u201cI\u2019ve got trust wounds and love wounds and affirmation wounds and security wounds. I\u2019m completely jacked up. There is nothing that God can do with me.\u201d I want to bring you back to the i-n-g. \r\n\r\nI\u2019m still in an i-n-g state, but some of the tools that I\u2019ve used, definitely that forgiveness letter was really powerful for me, and prayer, and counseling. I think there\u2019s something to be said for having someone who is clinically trained that is outside your circle of friends, and they\u2019re paid to keep your information confidential, that can provide insight into your life. Even with that, counseling is about 150 dollars a session, so that may be overwhelming. \r\n\r\nI would say start with your church. I actually did that with my church. I\u2019m fortunate that my church had a program. It\u2019s called Renew. I\u2019m hesitant to say it because I sat in on another program and people hunted me down [to ask], \u201cWhere can I get into that program?\u201d It\u2019s not available to the public, but it is a merge of psychology and Christianity, which I think is so needed. \r\n\r\nYou look at things like your traumatic childhood experiences, and you look at your wounds, your family of origin. Then you begin to track through your dominant thoughts, and you do a process called cognitive behavioral therapy where you identify the thoughts that are driving your behavior; because when we have behaviors, the natural tendency is to say, \u201cI am going to change my behavior! This is going to be one of my New Year\u2019s resolutions! I am not going to behave like this anymore! I am going to be more kind. I\u2019m going to be more loving. \r\n\r\nBut that\u2019s attacking it from a behavioral standpoint. You can\u2019t do that. You have to change your thoughts, and then your thoughts will automatically change your behavior. But we can\u2019t change our thoughts, because we\u2019re not God. So, you have to turn to the Word of God. I\u2019m thinking about, what is it, Romans chapter 12?\r\n\r\nAnn: Two. \r\n\r\nKia: Twelve, two. You know, \u201cDo not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.\u201d [Paraphrased] You renew your mind with the Word of God. The blend of the cognitive therapy and the Word of God is identifying: \u201cWhat is the dominant thought that is driving this behavior? \u2018I must perform to feel love. I must be told that I am pretty to feel beautiful. I must drive the relationships in order to feel important and feel loved\u2019.\u201d \r\n\r\nThose are some examples, but just identifying those apart from the Word of God might not be enough. Because they can sound like truth, and you can\u2019t even distinguish that \u201cOh, no, that\u2019s a lie.\u201d That\u2019s where you need a counselor. That\u2019s where you need the Bible. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nKia: That\u2019s where you need to pray and spend time with the Lord. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful counselor, and He will say [Whispering Voice], \u201cThat\u2019s not true,\u201d over time. Year one, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year two, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year three, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year four, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year five, you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI think that\u2019s not true.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWait, isn\u2019t there a Scripture? What was that in Thessalonians?\u201d \r\n\r\nThat\u2019s how it\u2019s been for me. Not immediate, although I believe God is an immediate God. He can do that if He so choses. But it\u2019s been a roller coaster where you see growth and change. then you go back around the wheel, and you say, \u201cHave I changed at all?\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: It\u2019s so funny you say that. I was talking to a woman not too long ago about\u2014she said, \u201cI know you\u2019ve gone through and healed from sexual abuse.\u201d \r\n\r\nI said, \u201cHealing; healing from sexual abuse.\u201d I said, \u201cBecause the first time I dug down really deep, I thought, \u2018There it is. I\u2019m free. I\u2019m done\u2019.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cThen it resurfaced, and I thought, \u2018What is this? I thought that I had dealt with all of it!\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nShe said, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s what I wanted to talk to you about, because I feel like things keep coming up.\u201d\r\n\r\nI said, \u201cI know. I asked the Lord: \u2018Lord, I thought this was done. I gave it to You! I thought you healed it.\u2019\u201d I feel like He\u2019s so gracious in giving us pieces of it that we can stomach.\r\n\r\nKia: Because we can\u2019t handle all of it. \r\n\r\nAnn: We can\u2019t handle it all at once. \r\n\r\nKia: It\u2019s too much. \r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s why, when we get married, new things arise. When we have kids, some things arise. \r\n\r\nKia: When they leave.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nKia: I\u2019m not ready for it. \r\n\r\nAnn: Right. I know. It\u2019s hard! These new things arise, so God just continues\u2014He\u2019s so gracious, isn\u2019t He, in His healing? \r\n\r\nKia: Yes. When you were talking, that brought to mind my faaavorite Scripture, that will probably be someone\u2019s new favorite Scripture. [It\u2019s} Philippians 1:6, that says, \u201cBeing confident in this, that He who has begun a great work\u2014\u201d\u2014He started it\u2014\u201c\u2014shall be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.\u201d [Paraphrased, Emphasis Added]\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, yes.\r\n\r\nKia: As long as we\u2019re on that continuum, if I\u2019m not where I\u2019m supposed to be, or if I haven\u2019t gotten to where I want to be emotionally and mentally, it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m tracking towards perfection. I will be perfected. I offer that as encouragement. I thought that, too. I\u2019m a \u201ccheck it off the box\u201d type of person. \r\n\r\nAnn: Me, too. \u201cDone! Did that!\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cHealing, boom.\u201d We\u2019ve got that. Praise God! Okay, what\u2019s next?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWhat are we having for dinner?\u201d That\u2019s not reality, and also that\u2019s not comforting. It is not comforting in the church when we do that to people saying, \u201cYou\u2019re still grieving your divorce? Wow! Isn\u2019t God good all the time? All the time, God is good. Why are you sad, because we\u2019ve got the fullness of joy over here?\u201d [Laughter] \r\n\r\nAnn: Kia, I\u2019m thinking about your dad, after writing this book. Did he read it? \r\n\r\nKia: No. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nAnn: What does he think even about the title? \r\n\r\nAnn: Sure. You know, the book is 95 percent Kia and maybe 5 percent Dad, so I sent an e-copy of the book to my mom. She read the whole thing and actually went through the exercises. Then with my dad, I knew he wasn\u2019t going to read it; so, I flew 800 plus miles to Texas (that\u2019s my hometown). And I went and picked my dad up and took him to a Mexican restaurant. I pulled out my little pink laptop, because that\u2019s where my book was at the time, in between some chips and some salsa. I said, \u201cDad, I want to read my book to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nI read a little bit, and he said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s the way it happened!\u201d My dad has a thick Creole accent. Then I read a little bit more, and I said, \u201cAre you okay with that?\u201d He said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s the way it happened.\u201d \r\n\r\nI read a little bit more, and I got to the part where my dad wasn\u2019t there for anything. He missed every volleyball game, he never interrogated my date, he never took me to a football game, he didn\u2019t do this, he didn\u2019t do that, and I looked up. I was getting ready to say, \u201cDad, are you okay with that?\u201d Tears were streaming down his face, and he said, \u201cYou know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Oh!\r\n\r\nKia: I sat there just stunned, because I saw the remorse, I saw the awareness of what alcoholism had done to, not only him, but to me. I had never seen that. But I think the beauty in that moment was that, one, I didn\u2019t need him to say that. I was at peace, and, two, that God had shown me my own depravity, because when he said it, my response could have been, \u201cWell, your darn right! You\u2019re exactly right!\u201d but what I said was, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Dad. We all have things that we\u2019ve got to work through.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Whoo! What a grace moment.\r\n\r\nKia: It was, and I\u2019m so glad I didn\u2019t miss it.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, yes!\r\n\r\nKia: I could have flubbed it completely. I could have destroyed him had I not been changed by the transformative power of Jesus Christ. Had my life not been dipped in the blood of Christ Jesus, I could have crushed him.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. \r\n\r\nKia: But thanks be to God, I realized in that moment: \u201cYou and your dad are on an even playing field. His battle was alcoholism. Your battle was insecurity, low self-esteem, lying. That was your battle, but we all have got them. We\u2019ve all got battles.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: We\u2019ve all got them.\r\n\r\nKia: So, I\u2019m grateful for that moment. Today, we have a working relationship; not perfect, but working. \r\n\r\nAnn: Let me ask you, for the person who has blown it\u2014maybe they had that conversation, [and] they didn\u2019t let their parent off the hook: what would you say to them now? Because they\u2019re thinking, \u201cOh, I did blow it. I gave them everything. I let them have it.\u201d\r\n\r\nKia: Yes. I would say that\u2019s the beauty of the cross. It\u2019s second chance after second chance after second chance after second chance. It\u2019s never final. Even with the forgiveness letter, I\u2019ve had people write forgiveness letters to their fathers who are dead and gone, six feet under. You can still get your heart right, and certainly, if your parents are still living. \r\n\r\nI heard this quote that said, \u201cIf your parents die, they\u2019re still your parents.\u201d No matter what type of father or mother they were, when they are gone, they are gone. You want to make sure you did everything. What does the Bible say? \u201cMake every effort to keep the peace with one another, to live in peace with one another.\u201d Do your part. Do your part, and trust that God will do His. [Romans 12:18, Paraphrased] \r\n\r\n[Music Stops Abruptly]\r\n\r\nDave: Wait, wait, wait! Before we end, we\u2019ve got a question for you: how can we pray for you? \r\n\r\nAnn: I love this question\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014I knew you would.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because we talk about a lot of serious things here on FamilyLife Today, and those details about our families, they often need our prayers. So, can we pray for you? We\u2019re serious. \r\n\r\nDave: Here\u2019s how you can let us know: Text \u201cFLT\u201d plus your prayer request to 80542 to let us know. It would be our privilege to pray for you. That\u2019s text \u201cFLT\u201d plus your prayer request to 80542. \r\n\r\nAnn: We want to pray for you.\r\n\r\nShelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Kia Stephens on FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nLet me share with you what someone recently posted in their review of FamilyLife Today. This person said, \u201cThis podcast\u2014\u201d \u2014with the heart eyes emoji\u2014 \u201cI lack the words to even describe how amazing it is and the impact it has had on me. I want to have dinner with Dave and Ann and learn more from them. At times, I listen with regret; sometimes at how many opportunities I have missed with my own kids and spouse, but the regret is soon replaced with hope.\u201d Man, I love that!  \u201cI cannot get the years back that I wasted, but I can begin in the present. I truly wish I could adequately explain my feelings that I have for this podcast. It is a blessing.\u201d \r\n\r\nMan, isn\u2019t it a blessing to hear a review like that? I\u2019m so encouraged by that. And I know Dave and Ann are encouraged by that, as well. Thank you so much for leaving that review. \r\n\r\nIf you know anyone who needs to hear conversations like the one you heard today, would you share this episode from wherever you get your podcasts? While you\u2019re there, you can help others learn more about FamilyLife Today by leaving a review similar to the one I just read, if you\u2019d like. I\u2019m super encouraged by that. \r\n\r\nDave and Ann were talking today and yesterday with Kia Stephens about father wounds. Many of us can relate to that. Kia has written a book called Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God\u2019s Perfect Love. You can get your copy of Kia\u2019s book by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. Again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \r\n\r\nNow, coming up next week, being a parent is hard. This is probably not news to you, so how do you do it right, and how do you do it well? Sissy Goff and David Thomas are going to be with us next week to talk about emotionally healthy parents and families. We hope you\u2019ll join us for that. \r\n\r\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife                                 \r\n\r\n\n"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-280252.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-280252.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 1;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container .uagb-block-e11dbe9f{max-width: 100%;width: 100%;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container.alignfull.uagb-block-e11dbe9f > 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1781581558;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Father wounds affecting your marriage? Maybe you've got trust issues, low self-esteem, boundary struggles. Kia Stephens offers real tools for healing.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>Connect with Kia Stephens and catch more of their thoughts at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.kiastephens.com\/\">kiastephens.com<\/a> and on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/KiaNicolStephens\/\">Facebook<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/kianstephens\/\">Instagram<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/KiaNStephens\">X<\/a> @kianstephens.<\/li>\n<li>And grab Kia Stephen\u2019s book, <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/overcoming-father-wounds-exchanging-your-pain-for-gods-perfect-love\">\"Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God's Perfect Love\"<\/a> in our shop.<\/li>\n<li>Intrigued by today\u2019s episode? Think deeper about Wounds by listening to \"<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/where-is-god-in-my-deepest-wounds\/\">Where is God in my Deepest Wounds?<\/a>\"<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>FamilyLife Today's Resources<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Reconnect and thrive together in the beautiful masterpiece of a <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/art-of-marriage\/home\/\">God-designed marriage with Art of Marriage<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-06-07.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nFather Wound: How to Heal\r\n\r\nGuest:Kia Stephens\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Overcoming Father Wounds (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:June 7, 2024\r\n\r\nDave: Okay, before we get started today, I\u2019ve got a question for you\u2014not you, Ann; our listeners. Where are you listening from? \r\n\r\nAnn: You know that we\u2019re from Detroit. \r\n\r\nDave: Motor City. \r\n\r\nAnn: Shelby\u2019s in the Philly area, and our FamilyLife Today Headquarters is in Orlando. \r\n\r\nDave: So, we\u2019re coming to you guys from all over the country, but what about you? We would love to know if you are in one of those areas or where else you consider home.\r\n\r\nAnn: Text \u201cFLT\u201d plus where you are listening from to 80542 to let us know. Again, you\u2019re going to text \u201cFLT\u201d plus where you are listening from to 80542. \r\n\r\nKia: I flew, and I went and picked my dad up. Tears were streaming down his face, and he said, \u201cYou know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Whoa!\r\n\r\nKia: I sat there just stunned because I saw the remorse. My response could have been, \u201cWell, you\u2019re darn right! You\u2019re exactly right!\u201d But what I said was, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Dad. We all have things that we\u2019ve got to work through.\u201d\r\n\r\nTracy: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. This is Tracy Lane from the FamilyLife Content Team, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. \r\n\r\nThis is FamilyLife Today!\r\n\r\nDave: Today, we\u2019re talking about something I was thinking about this way: it\u2019s like most people are walking around with this little thing they\u2019re carrying. They don\u2019t know that they\u2019re carrying it, but it\u2019s weight. \r\n\r\nAnn: I see it as not just a weight; I see it as a wound that\u2019s open, and we\u2019re sick inside. We don\u2019t even know what normal feels like. \r\n\r\nDave: Our listeners are thinking: \u201cWhat in the world are you talking about?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cCould you name this wound?\u201d \r\n\r\nYes, it\u2019s called \u201cthe father wound.\u201d Kia Stephens is back with us. She was with us yesterday talking about her book, Overcoming Father Wounds. Kia, welcome back. \r\n\r\nKia: Hey, it\u2019s great to be back with you talking about such an upbeat topic. [Laughter] I\u2019m so glad to be here. \r\n\r\nAnn: No, I\u2019m really excited about this because, as we said, most of us, I would guess, are waking around with wounds. I had a great dad. He was present. \r\n\r\nDave: He was a good man; a very good dad.  \r\n\r\nAnn: He was a really\u2014not a believer for years and years. We had hard conversations about this. I would get mad; he would get mad. I still had a wound, but at least we could talk about the wound. \r\n\r\nA lot of us, like you said yesterday, your dad wasn\u2019t able ready to receive maybe the words that you were saying or, even, you couldn\u2019t have the relationship that you longed for. I think that\u2019s true for a lot of people. \r\n\r\nDave: Yes, and let me say this to the listener: if you didn\u2019t listen to yesterday, go back, because you want to hear Kia\u2019s story of her father wound; my father wound, Ann\u2019s. \r\n\r\nBut let\u2019s start here: how would a person know if they have it? Can you define it or help us understand: \u201cI don\u2019t think I have that, but maybe I do?\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: You were saying, Ann, that you thought a lot of people had a father wound. It\u2019s one in three children that grow up with father wounds. \r\n\r\nAnn: Wow!\r\n\r\nKia: Father wounds are synonymous with father absenteeism. We know that a father can be absent for a myriad of reasons. It could be divorce, abandonment, abuse, incarceration, drug addiction, alcoholism, as it was in my case, alcoholism.\r\n\r\nDave: It could be working too much. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, that\u2019s what I was going to say\u2014a physically present father, but emotionally absent. If you\u2019re listening, and you\u2019re seeing one of those qualifiers, and there are additional ones, then you may in fact have a father wound. \r\n\r\nIn my research, I read this book by Dr. Charles Whitfield. He\u2019s now deceased. He listed inside of this book several needs that need to be met in the child\u2019s life: things like love, attention, validation, acceptance, trust, affirmation, safety, security. These are some needs that you need to grow up with that secure attachment style that we were talking about.\r\n\r\nThere are some needs, I believe, that the father specifically provides. Naturally, we think about these gender roles of the mother as the nurturer. But the father provides security; the father affirms the femininity of the daughter. \r\n\r\nIf the father is not in the home to do those things, then the daughter is left to do it for herself, often with costly results, as we see with the statistic: daughters who grow up without a father in the home are \u201cx\u201d amount more likely to have a teenage pregnancy, or they\u2019re \u201cx\u201d amount more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol and risky behavior, or get involved in crime. \r\n\r\nI would venture to say that, if we examine the lives, and it has been done\u2014it\u2019s been done with prisoners\u2014how many of them did not have a father? \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, as you were saying all those statistics, I was recalling, I think I was eight years old when I went in the room\u2014and my dad always kissed me goodnight; so, I went in to the room\u2014where he was to say goodnight to my parents. I remember saying, as an eight-year-old, \u201cMaybe I\u2019m too old to do this now?\u201d \r\n\r\nMy dad said, \u201cWell, maybe you are,\u201d and it was the last time he ever hugged and kissed me. [Gasping]\r\n\r\nKia: Oh!\r\n\r\nAnn: I remember, I went to bed that night, and I had this void [and thought], \u201cI wish I hadn\u2019t said that, and I hope he still does.\u201d But he didn\u2019t know. At that point, I had already had a lot of sexual abuse in my background. So, his hugs, his kiss at night, which were just totally appropriate and beautiful, were the only times I had had affection that was not distorted. \r\n\r\nKia: Oh, Ann!\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m thinking of the fathers who, even as their girls become teenagers and you\u2019re in that awkward stage because she\u2019s becoming a woman, let me just say, \u201cShe needs your appropriate physical touch and affection.\u201d Because I went on, [and] I was so promiscuous. You talk about this in the book of, even, some of the signs of possible father wounds and our needs not being met. \r\n\r\nBut dads, your little girls need this from you in an appropriate way. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes. I actually read a book, Bringing Up Girls, by Dr. James Dobson. He talks about that. He talks about the awkwardness, and father\u2019s not wanting to touch their daughters or hug their daughters because they are starting to look like women\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014right.\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014so there\u2019s a little discomfort with that. But that is the time\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014that is the time!\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014more so than when they are little. Yes, do it when they are little, but when they are teenagers, and they\u2019re developing, and they\u2019re turning to the opposite sex to define them and to give them the value and the affirmation, when a daughter has received that from her father, and she gets a subpar comment or statement from a male, she can easily say, \u201cI don\u2019t need it.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cI don\u2019t need that.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: \u201cI\u2019ve got it.\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cI\u2019ve already got it. My dad already told me who I am. I already know that I\u2019m beautiful. I already know that I\u2019m confident.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019ve said it this way: you\u2019re driving your car, and you\u2019ve got a full gas tank. You drive by a gas station, and you don\u2019t stop, but when you are almost on empty, you\u2019re pulling in; and you get in trouble, like you said. \r\n\r\nLet me just add this: boys need it from their dad, too\u2014\r\n\r\nKia: \u2014exactly. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014not just daughters\u2014a hug, affection in an appropriate way, a look that says, \u201cI believe in you. I see you, and you\u2019ve got what it takes.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: And if a father\u2019s not at home, a grandfather, too. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, that\u2019s right. Life is how life is, and families are not perfect. These parents or parental figures, we\u2019ve set on pedestals because we love them. They\u2019re our parents. We see no flaws. They\u2019re our parents. \r\n\r\nBut when you get old enough, you can say, \u201cMy dad was a great provider. He was not affectionate,\u201d or \u201cMy dad was affectionate, but he wasn\u2019t attentive, and he didn\u2019t come to that volleyball game,\u201d or \u201cMy dad was a leader in church, but he was absent when he came home. He watched TV all day. He never asked me about my day,\u201d or \u201cMy dad had an affair,\u201d or \u201cMy dad hit my mom,\u201d or \u201cHe called her a name,\u201d or \u201cFor most of the time he was even, but every now and then, he would get upset and fly off the handle. He never hit anybody, he never cursed, but it scared me because I\u2019m sensitive.\u201d \r\n\r\nWhen you get older, you\u2019re able to\u2014hopefully, prayerfully, with counseling and some help, you\u2019re able to\u2014look at it holistically and with balance and say, \u201cThis is true, but this is also true,\u201d and \u201cThis is how it has impacted me in my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: How did you heal? I know we\u2019re all still on a journey, but you\u2019ve gotten some closure.\r\n\r\nKia: I have gotten some closure, and then there were some more things that opened up. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nDave: That\u2019s how it goes.\r\n\r\nKia: When you\u2019re writing a book it\u2019s like, right before you birth the book baby, I was thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t know why I\u2019m writing this book in the first place! I don\u2019t know if I believer this anymore.\u201d [Whining Voice] I\u2019m keeping it 100. That\u2019s where I was. \r\n\r\nBut a friend of mine pointed up about this book, and I wasn\u2019t intentional in doing that, that the title says \u201cOvercoming,\u201d and the i-n-g is present progressive, which means it\u2019s happening right now. I\u2019m in the process of overcoming\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014in real time, and in the future. \r\n\r\nKia: Yes, it\u2019s not a period. I want to preface anything I say from this point forward with the fact that i-n-g is present progressive. I don\u2019t want anyone to feel like, \u201cI\u2019m not far enough,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m just starting out,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m too far gone,\u201d or \u201cThere\u2019s nothing God can do with me,\u201d or \u201cLook at all these wounds.\u201d If you identify it: \u201cI\u2019ve got trust wounds and love wounds and affirmation wounds and security wounds. I\u2019m completely jacked up. There is nothing that God can do with me.\u201d I want to bring you back to the i-n-g. \r\n\r\nI\u2019m still in an i-n-g state, but some of the tools that I\u2019ve used, definitely that forgiveness letter was really powerful for me, and prayer, and counseling. I think there\u2019s something to be said for having someone who is clinically trained that is outside your circle of friends, and they\u2019re paid to keep your information confidential, that can provide insight into your life. Even with that, counseling is about 150 dollars a session, so that may be overwhelming. \r\n\r\nI would say start with your church. I actually did that with my church. I\u2019m fortunate that my church had a program. It\u2019s called Renew. I\u2019m hesitant to say it because I sat in on another program and people hunted me down [to ask], \u201cWhere can I get into that program?\u201d It\u2019s not available to the public, but it is a merge of psychology and Christianity, which I think is so needed. \r\n\r\nYou look at things like your traumatic childhood experiences, and you look at your wounds, your family of origin. Then you begin to track through your dominant thoughts, and you do a process called cognitive behavioral therapy where you identify the thoughts that are driving your behavior; because when we have behaviors, the natural tendency is to say, \u201cI am going to change my behavior! This is going to be one of my New Year\u2019s resolutions! I am not going to behave like this anymore! I am going to be more kind. I\u2019m going to be more loving. \r\n\r\nBut that\u2019s attacking it from a behavioral standpoint. You can\u2019t do that. You have to change your thoughts, and then your thoughts will automatically change your behavior. But we can\u2019t change our thoughts, because we\u2019re not God. So, you have to turn to the Word of God. I\u2019m thinking about, what is it, Romans chapter 12?\r\n\r\nAnn: Two. \r\n\r\nKia: Twelve, two. You know, \u201cDo not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.\u201d [Paraphrased] You renew your mind with the Word of God. The blend of the cognitive therapy and the Word of God is identifying: \u201cWhat is the dominant thought that is driving this behavior? \u2018I must perform to feel love. I must be told that I am pretty to feel beautiful. I must drive the relationships in order to feel important and feel loved\u2019.\u201d \r\n\r\nThose are some examples, but just identifying those apart from the Word of God might not be enough. Because they can sound like truth, and you can\u2019t even distinguish that \u201cOh, no, that\u2019s a lie.\u201d That\u2019s where you need a counselor. That\u2019s where you need the Bible. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nKia: That\u2019s where you need to pray and spend time with the Lord. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful counselor, and He will say [Whispering Voice], \u201cThat\u2019s not true,\u201d over time. Year one, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year two, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year three, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year four, \u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d Year five, you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI think that\u2019s not true.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWait, isn\u2019t there a Scripture? What was that in Thessalonians?\u201d \r\n\r\nThat\u2019s how it\u2019s been for me. Not immediate, although I believe God is an immediate God. He can do that if He so choses. But it\u2019s been a roller coaster where you see growth and change. then you go back around the wheel, and you say, \u201cHave I changed at all?\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: It\u2019s so funny you say that. I was talking to a woman not too long ago about\u2014she said, \u201cI know you\u2019ve gone through and healed from sexual abuse.\u201d \r\n\r\nI said, \u201cHealing; healing from sexual abuse.\u201d I said, \u201cBecause the first time I dug down really deep, I thought, \u2018There it is. I\u2019m free. I\u2019m done\u2019.\u201d [Laughter] \u201cThen it resurfaced, and I thought, \u2018What is this? I thought that I had dealt with all of it!\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nShe said, \u201cOkay, that\u2019s what I wanted to talk to you about, because I feel like things keep coming up.\u201d\r\n\r\nI said, \u201cI know. I asked the Lord: \u2018Lord, I thought this was done. I gave it to You! I thought you healed it.\u2019\u201d I feel like He\u2019s so gracious in giving us pieces of it that we can stomach.\r\n\r\nKia: Because we can\u2019t handle all of it. \r\n\r\nAnn: We can\u2019t handle it all at once. \r\n\r\nKia: It\u2019s too much. \r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s why, when we get married, new things arise. When we have kids, some things arise. \r\n\r\nKia: When they leave.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nKia: I\u2019m not ready for it. \r\n\r\nAnn: Right. I know. It\u2019s hard! These new things arise, so God just continues\u2014He\u2019s so gracious, isn\u2019t He, in His healing? \r\n\r\nKia: Yes. When you were talking, that brought to mind my faaavorite Scripture, that will probably be someone\u2019s new favorite Scripture. [It\u2019s} Philippians 1:6, that says, \u201cBeing confident in this, that He who has begun a great work\u2014\u201d\u2014He started it\u2014\u201c\u2014shall be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.\u201d [Paraphrased, Emphasis Added]\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, yes.\r\n\r\nKia: As long as we\u2019re on that continuum, if I\u2019m not where I\u2019m supposed to be, or if I haven\u2019t gotten to where I want to be emotionally and mentally, it\u2019s okay. I\u2019m tracking towards perfection. I will be perfected. I offer that as encouragement. I thought that, too. I\u2019m a \u201ccheck it off the box\u201d type of person. \r\n\r\nAnn: Me, too. \u201cDone! Did that!\u201d \r\n\r\nKia: \u201cHealing, boom.\u201d We\u2019ve got that. Praise God! Okay, what\u2019s next?\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWhat are we having for dinner?\u201d That\u2019s not reality, and also that\u2019s not comforting. It is not comforting in the church when we do that to people saying, \u201cYou\u2019re still grieving your divorce? Wow! Isn\u2019t God good all the time? All the time, God is good. Why are you sad, because we\u2019ve got the fullness of joy over here?\u201d [Laughter] \r\n\r\nAnn: Kia, I\u2019m thinking about your dad, after writing this book. Did he read it? \r\n\r\nKia: No. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nAnn: What does he think even about the title? \r\n\r\nAnn: Sure. You know, the book is 95 percent Kia and maybe 5 percent Dad, so I sent an e-copy of the book to my mom. She read the whole thing and actually went through the exercises. Then with my dad, I knew he wasn\u2019t going to read it; so, I flew 800 plus miles to Texas (that\u2019s my hometown). And I went and picked my dad up and took him to a Mexican restaurant. I pulled out my little pink laptop, because that\u2019s where my book was at the time, in between some chips and some salsa. I said, \u201cDad, I want to read my book to you.\u201d \r\n\r\nI read a little bit, and he said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s the way it happened!\u201d My dad has a thick Creole accent. Then I read a little bit more, and I said, \u201cAre you okay with that?\u201d He said, \u201cYes, that\u2019s the way it happened.\u201d \r\n\r\nI read a little bit more, and I got to the part where my dad wasn\u2019t there for anything. He missed every volleyball game, he never interrogated my date, he never took me to a football game, he didn\u2019t do this, he didn\u2019t do that, and I looked up. I was getting ready to say, \u201cDad, are you okay with that?\u201d Tears were streaming down his face, and he said, \u201cYou know, I owe you and your mother an apology because alcoholism robbed me of my life.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Oh!\r\n\r\nKia: I sat there just stunned, because I saw the remorse, I saw the awareness of what alcoholism had done to, not only him, but to me. I had never seen that. But I think the beauty in that moment was that, one, I didn\u2019t need him to say that. I was at peace, and, two, that God had shown me my own depravity, because when he said it, my response could have been, \u201cWell, your darn right! You\u2019re exactly right!\u201d but what I said was, \u201cIt\u2019s okay, Dad. We all have things that we\u2019ve got to work through.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Whoo! What a grace moment.\r\n\r\nKia: It was, and I\u2019m so glad I didn\u2019t miss it.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, yes!\r\n\r\nKia: I could have flubbed it completely. I could have destroyed him had I not been changed by the transformative power of Jesus Christ. Had my life not been dipped in the blood of Christ Jesus, I could have crushed him.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes. \r\n\r\nKia: But thanks be to God, I realized in that moment: \u201cYou and your dad are on an even playing field. His battle was alcoholism. Your battle was insecurity, low self-esteem, lying. That was your battle, but we all have got them. We\u2019ve all got battles.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: We\u2019ve all got them.\r\n\r\nKia: So, I\u2019m grateful for that moment. Today, we have a working relationship; not perfect, but working. \r\n\r\nAnn: Let me ask you, for the person who has blown it\u2014maybe they had that conversation, [and] they didn\u2019t let their parent off the hook: what would you say to them now? Because they\u2019re thinking, \u201cOh, I did blow it. I gave them everything. I let them have it.\u201d\r\n\r\nKia: Yes. I would say that\u2019s the beauty of the cross. It\u2019s second chance after second chance after second chance after second chance. It\u2019s never final. Even with the forgiveness letter, I\u2019ve had people write forgiveness letters to their fathers who are dead and gone, six feet under. You can still get your heart right, and certainly, if your parents are still living. \r\n\r\nI heard this quote that said, \u201cIf your parents die, they\u2019re still your parents.\u201d No matter what type of father or mother they were, when they are gone, they are gone. You want to make sure you did everything. What does the Bible say? \u201cMake every effort to keep the peace with one another, to live in peace with one another.\u201d Do your part. Do your part, and trust that God will do His. [Romans 12:18, Paraphrased] \r\n\r\n[Music Stops Abruptly]\r\n\r\nDave: Wait, wait, wait! Before we end, we\u2019ve got a question for you: how can we pray for you? \r\n\r\nAnn: I love this question\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014I knew you would.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because we talk about a lot of serious things here on FamilyLife Today, and those details about our families, they often need our prayers. So, can we pray for you? We\u2019re serious. \r\n\r\nDave: Here\u2019s how you can let us know: Text \u201cFLT\u201d plus your prayer request to 80542 to let us know. It would be our privilege to pray for you. That\u2019s text \u201cFLT\u201d plus your prayer request to 80542. \r\n\r\nAnn: We want to pray for you.\r\n\r\nShelby: I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Kia Stephens on FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nLet me share with you what someone recently posted in their review of FamilyLife Today. This person said, \u201cThis podcast\u2014\u201d \u2014with the heart eyes emoji\u2014 \u201cI lack the words to even describe how amazing it is and the impact it has had on me. I want to have dinner with Dave and Ann and learn more from them. At times, I listen with regret; sometimes at how many opportunities I have missed with my own kids and spouse, but the regret is soon replaced with hope.\u201d Man, I love that!  \u201cI cannot get the years back that I wasted, but I can begin in the present. I truly wish I could adequately explain my feelings that I have for this podcast. It is a blessing.\u201d \r\n\r\nMan, isn\u2019t it a blessing to hear a review like that? I\u2019m so encouraged by that. And I know Dave and Ann are encouraged by that, as well. Thank you so much for leaving that review. \r\n\r\nIf you know anyone who needs to hear conversations like the one you heard today, would you share this episode from wherever you get your podcasts? While you\u2019re there, you can help others learn more about FamilyLife Today by leaving a review similar to the one I just read, if you\u2019d like. I\u2019m super encouraged by that. \r\n\r\nDave and Ann were talking today and yesterday with Kia Stephens about father wounds. Many of us can relate to that. Kia has written a book called Overcoming Father Wounds: Exchanging Your Pain for God\u2019s Perfect Love. You can get your copy of Kia\u2019s book by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. Again, that number is 800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \r\n\r\nNow, coming up next week, being a parent is hard. This is probably not news to you, so how do you do it right, and how do you do it well? Sissy Goff and David Thomas are going to be with us next week to talk about emotionally healthy parents and families. We hope you\u2019ll join us for that. \r\n\r\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife                                 \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/280252","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=280252"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=280252"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=280252"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=280252"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=280252"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=280252"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=280252"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}