Marriage Secrets That Almost Broke Us: Ron and Nan Deal

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Marriage Secrets That Almost Broke Us

Guests:Ron and Nan Deal

From the series:Marriage Secrets That Almost Broke Us (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:March 10, 2026

Ron (00:04):

There was a little window of time, where we were struggling, and working on some things. She started making some changes. I came to her one day, and said, “I just want to let you know I’ve noticed you doing this and this; and I just want to thank you for that.” And she said, “Yeah, I knew you’d applaud that just as soon as you figured it out.” I realized she was faking; she was just putting on airs. Right then, I made a decision: “I’m not really trusting her.”

Dave (00:39):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:46):

And I’m Ann Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave (00:59):

So we’ve been on quite a journey with Ron and Nan Deal.

Ann (01:02):

We love them so much. They’ve been sharing their story, and it’s been raw and intimate.

Dave (01:07):

It’s beautiful, and it’s unknown. Ron is the Director of our FamilyLife Blended ministry; he’s a hero. And you would never know, behind the scenes, there was this journey that they were on in their marriage. Yesterday, Nan, at the end of our program, was just at this crucial moment where she’s broken. God meets her in this moment. What He does is a miracle, and we get to hear that part of the story today. So here’s Nan.

Nan (01:44):

Ron comes home from that trip; and the look he gave me was—

Ron: —“I don’t know who you are.”

Nan: [Emotion in voice] I thought it was over. That next morning—as school teachers, we don’t know what we’re supposed to do; we don’t know how to zoom yet—so they’re just: “Just stay at home.” I don’t have a job; I don’t have anything. Ron gets up, and says, “Hey, I got to figure out work, online. I got to figure this out with my team.” I’m left, sitting there; and I’m just like, “I don’t know what to do here. I know I don’t have him; I know I don’t have myself. I’ve apologized to both of them; and they both say, “There’s nothing that you could do to make us not love you”; like, “I’m so sorry; please forgive me.”

But then, that day, I’m like, “Hey, I got to do something.” I’m like, “Oh, I’ll go in my room and do yoga; that’ll make me feel better.” I go into our guest bedroom. I lay on my yoga mat, and I get on my back. I couldn’t get up; I was just like [Emotion in voice]: “I can’t do this anymore! I can’t be angry anymore; I can’t hurt anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. I need Your help, God. I need You; and if You’ll have me, I want to do it Your way.” I cried for two hours; I said, “I know I haven’t gotten this right. I’ve never felt like I knew enough about You or trusted You with anything in my life. I always looked to other things or myself; but if You’d have me…” I got up that day, but I just felt so different.

(03:37) Literally, that night, I didn’t have anything to drink. I didn’t take any of those pills, and I had not one withdrawal. I knew that that was God’s grace and mercy on my life. I started thanking Him. I went to bed, going, “I’m done.” And He just said, “Okay.” It was really, literally, as if He picked me up off that mat; and He just took His hand, and He just wiped all of that black—all of that; everything—just wiped it all off. And He said, “Okay, let’s go.” It was like God took a fire hose of His grace and mercy.

It was like Bible 101; I couldn’t get enough of what He was trying to teach me, what He was trying to tell me. I’m not kidding: every single podcast, sermon—everything—was like: “I’m going to teach you about this clean heart. I’m going to teach you about My grace, and My mercy, and My love.” And then, it was about two months in, He said, “It’s time for you to tell Ron; you need to start confessing.”

I went in, and I told you everything. I had, also, during that time, researched what alcohol and certain drugs did to each other and together. I figured out why I had some memory lapses—and there were some things that were so hard for Ron—some things, that I’d get up and scream at him in the night; and get so angry; and I didn’t even know I’d done some of those things, which is not an excuse. God was just leading me, by the hand, into redemption.

Ann (05:05):

Ron, you probably see Nan having this turn. Tell us what’s going on in your mind.

Ron (05:14):

Well, I did see it. I think I did the same thing she did, 14 years earlier, when I was convicted, when I came to the end of myself. I liked what I saw, and I didn’t trust it; there were so many triggers in my heart. A few years before Nan’s—we call it “the miracle on the yoga mat”—before that moment happened, there was a little window of time, where we were struggling, and working on some things. She started making some changes. I came to her, one day, and said, “I just want to let you know I’ve noticed you doing this and this, and I just want to thank you for that.” And she said, “Yeah, I knew you’d applaud that just as soon as you figured it out.” I realized she was faking; she was just putting on airs. Right then, I made a decision: “I’m not really trusting her.”

So fast forward—now, “miracle on the yoga mat” happens—I’m going, “Yeah, right. Come on; how long is this going to last?” I was trying to be as godly as I could be, but I would not trust her.

Nan (06:24):

And God kept saying to me, “Stay in your lane; stay with Me. Stay in this lane with Me.”

Ron (06:30):

And that’s what she did. She just kept walking that road of confession and—

Nan (06:35):

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks.”

Ron (06:36):

Yeah, just you and God.

Nan (06:38):

“You and Me.”

I got a book by Linda Dillow about prayer. I started praying those prayers and learning how to pray to God. I started memorizing Scripture, letting the light back in. I started figuring out how God wanted me to transform my mind and my heart. Forgiveness—I started confessing, like nobody’s business, to anybody I could tell—the boys first, and my daughter-in-law, friends, family, anybody I felt like I had hurt.

Ron (07:10):

Let me just say: somewhere, in the middle of all of this journey for her, what I noticed—that I finally began to lean into—was, instead of her running to me—that’s how our marriage started; I was her savior, and whatever I wanted, that’s what she would try to do to make me happy. She was not living for Ron anymore; she was living for God.

Ann (07:33):

That’s what I was going to say.

Ron (07:34):

That was a radical change that was very, very clear to me. It just took a long enough road for me to go: “This is real; this is not phony. There’s something here, and I need to get on board.” And then, I was convicted that I hadn’t been trusting her enough. I hadn’t been supporting her, and leaning into—bringing her my trust—would be a statement of affirmation about her value and worth to me.

So then, I had work to do; it wasn’t just—“She’s got to get her life together,”—no, it’s always a two-person journey; that’s what marriage is.

Nan (08:14):

That year, on Mother’s Day, we go up to visit my mom.

Ron (08:22):

She said some things to her mother; and I was like, “Wow!”

Nan (08:24):

Yeah, I said some things to my mom. I just said, “Mom, I just want to thank you for being my mom. Thank you for taking me to the library;—my love of books, my love of teaching,”—my mom was a teacher. My sister looked at me, and she goes, “Oh, that was cool.” And Ron looked at me, and he goes, “Now, I know something’s changed in you.”

Dave (08:47):

That was real; that was from the heart.

Nan (08:50):

That was Holy Spirit right there. Then, on our way home, we stopped at the cemetery—it had been 12 Mother’s Days—and I remember going to Connor’s grave. I said [Emotion in voice], “Son, it’s not good that you’re not here for me to hug on Mother’s Day; but God is good. God is good all the time.”

Ron (09:17):

Since Connor’s death, I hadn’t heard her say anything like [Emotion in voice]: “God, I can trust You.” I was like, “Okay, God’s done something here; and I just got to figure out what it is. I just got to try to join in the process.”

We tell people: “COVID was really good for us to help us lean into Him in ways that we just couldn’t quite do together; and then, lean into one another in new and radical ways.”

Nan (09:56):

Regeneration is a 12-step process—and it’s not just for addictions—I had a lady in my group; she said, “I’m just angry at everything. My thing is anger.” Some people come for pride—but it was “Inventory,” the fourth step, that busted me wide open—I thought Ron had cornered the market on pride, and his family had; nope, I’m right there with him—I was a very prideful person in my hurt, and my pain, and my loss.

(10:34) One thing I learned in my recovery is that I’m not the defender of my heart. I’ve been trying to do that for so long, defending myself from pain, abandonment, words, overworking, loss. Music has always been such a balm for me and such a place to go. I learned that God is the defender of my heart. There’s a Psalm called Defender, and I love this line—this is the line that just floored me in this song—it says: “When I thought I’d lost me, You knew where I’d left me. You reintroduced me to Your love. You picked up all my pieces and put them back together. You are the defender of my heart.” I can just see the Lord, with that shield and that sword, going, “Okay, fears, shame—anything—He’s defending that now, and I can rest in that. I can go to Him with my losses.” Ron could overwork—he can; all of that stuff could happen again; I could lose another child—but I know that God has never left me nor forsaken me, and that He never will.

Ron (11:56):

And even more, He has been chasing you down; chasing me down.

Nan (12:00):

He’s been pursuing us. I just love how He tried to take care of our marriage, two years before Connor left; because I really honestly know we wouldn’t have made it without His provision. Even though I was still a mess, it’s kind of like He had to take turns on working on us.

I want to read Ephesians 2:1-10. I hope and pray that I spend the rest of my days telling everybody, who will listen, how good God has been to me; He could take a wretch, like me, and He can change that hardened heart—that heart in Ezekiel—the heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. I have so much more work to do;—

Ann: We all do.

Nan: —but I cannot thank Him enough for His grace, and His mercy, and His love.

Ron (13:02):

It’s so sweet.

Nan (13:04):

Ephesians 2:1-10: “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of the world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature, children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God,—

Ron (13:37):

—”But God—

Nan (13:38):

—“being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ. By grace you have been saved; and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus; so that, in the coming ages, He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace and kindness towards us in Christ Jesus. For by grace, you have been saved, through faith, and this is not your own doing,”—I could not have stopped on my own. “It is a gift of God, not a result of works,”—because Nan cannot do anything here—”so that no one may boast; for we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

I was knit together in my mother’s womb; I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Ann: You are.

Ron (14:40):

Our marriage is like everybody else’s marriage: it is making us more into the image of Jesus.

If I have one frustration, it’s that it seems to take a long time: “Can we just get there?”

Ann: —doesn’t it, Ron? Why can’t it be shorter?

Ron: “Can we just get there?” But I just don’t think it works that way.

Dave (15:04):

Yeah. Where’s your marriage now?

Ron (15:06):

Oh, man;—

Nan: It’s so good.

Ron: —we are enjoying each other; we like each other.

Dave (15:12):

Does it feel like a different marriage?—or a new marriage?—or a real marriage?

Ron (15:16):

Absolutely.

Nan (15:16):

Yes, it does.

Ron (15:16):

Absolutely.

Nan: It does.

Ron: We sort of laugh that we have the passion, and the energy, and the drive that we had when we first fell in love; but now, we actually have some maturity to go with it, so we don’t act like fools in the midst of our passion.

We are so grateful; it’s gratitude. We wake up—

Nan: It’s gratitude.

Ron: —grateful, every day, for that mercy. We remember who we were, and we know what we can become. Part of what we’re teaching, out of this, these days is:

What I know about me is I could be prideful—and I’ve got to manage that—and “Lord, help me; because when I do these things, this is who I become…and this is what it does to my marriage.”

And Nan knows: “What I know about me is I can feel abandoned, and I can run to something that’s going to numb me. Instead, I got to stay in the game and can’t do that.”

All of these hard, hard lessons are teaching us how to, somewhat, reflect the image of Christ. I hesitate to even say that—I feel so far away—but at least, I feel like we’re closer; we’re much, much more closer.

Dave (16:29):

One of the best things we do every year is go on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise with FamilyLife.

Ann (16:34):

And who doesn’t want to go on a cruise, in the middle of winter, basically.

Dave (16:39):

But it’s a cruise with a purpose. You get to work on your marriage. You got Christian bands on board; you got speakers; you got workshops; you got the whole boat is FamilyLife.

Ann (16:50):

It’s pretty remarkable, and there’s nothing quite like it.

Dave (16:53):

Yeah. And there’s a sale going on, right now through the 17th of March. I’m telling you what: you want to get in on this sale.

Ann (17:02):

The cruise is February 13-20, in 2027; and it will fill up quickly.

Dave (17:08):

Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com, and click on the banner for the Love Like You Mean It cruise; and go get a tan with us.

Dave: What do you say to the couple, who’s got secrets that you had—or it could be totally different secrets—but they’ve got pain; they’ve got darkness nobody knows. We didn’t know about yours. They’re listening right now, and they’re like, “I am scared, to death, to say out loud to my spouse or to anybody what I’m struggling with.”

Nan: Sure.

Ron (17:40):

I would say a couple of things. Finding a safe person to tell is the good first start. And honestly, it might not be your spouse; it might not be at all.

Dave (17:54):

And it may not be a counselor—

Ron: Right.

Dave: —it could be—but it could be a friend.

Ron (17:56):

Somebody who is a safe person.

Here’s the thing—I can totally relate to what I’m about to say—there are moments, where you just feel so overwhelmed; you cannot see the path out of this mess. Take the next right step, whatever that next thing is you feel called to do.

And “How do I put on kindness in this moment?”—that feels so small compared, sometimes, to the size of the mountain you have to climb; you just think, “What’s the point? It’s not even worth it”; but that is the next right thing to do. You never know what God is doing behind the scenes. You never know what the next step’s going to be; you never know what fruit that’s going to bear. Just be faithful in the next step.

Nan (18:43):

I would say, “You’ve got to submit yourself to God.” I love James 4:7—it may sound so simple—but I had not submitted myself to God; I hadn’t. And I wasn’t resisting the enemy; I wasn’t. I wasn’t drawing near to God; I didn’t want Him to draw near to me; I didn’t feel worthy. I’d just say, “Submit yourself to God; cry out to Him.”

Ron (19:08):

And that means submitting your pain, and your anger, and your animosity, and your—whatever it is; the ugliness of it all—that has to be submitted too.

Ann (19:20):

I’ve been crying the whole time. I feel like the studio has become this holy sanctuary because of your story, because of your honesty; but mainly, because the hero of the story is not Ron Deal.

Ron (19:35):

That’s right; that’s right.

Ann (19:37):

This hero, for me, is not Dave Wilson. The hero is Jesus, Who died for us; and He has redeemed us; it’s a miracle. As I listen, I’m like, “Man, we all need a miracle on the mat.”

Ron (19:51):

Yes.

Ann (19:53):

I even think of the wrestling mat, when they thought, “Yes, you’re down; you’re pinned.”

Ron (19:57):

And what do you do?—tap three times when you surrender.

Ann (20:00):

Yes!

Ron: “I’m down.”

Ann: It’s like that surrender moment—it’s not: “Your husband needs to be better,” or “Your wife needs to do this…”—it’s that our God is pursuing us and wooing us in there, every second of the day; and He’s longing for us to call upon His name. That’s all you did, Nan. You just called: “I can’t do it!” And He’s like, “I’m right here.” And when I hear that, I’m like, “It’s the gospel.”

Ron (20:27):

And you said “sanctuary”—this place is that, because that’s what we do is worship.

Ann (20:31):

Yes.

Ron (20:31):

Our whole marriage—36 years—we’ve heard the: “Do the devotional every day,”-thing; and hit or miss; yes; no seasons sort of—let me tell you: we are doing that now. And it is beautiful. It is fresh; it is genuine; it is authentic. Sometimes, we’re processing things that happened yesterday; sometimes, three years ago; or twenty years ago. We’re seeing it in a very different light, and we’re seeing God’s work in the midst of all of it. And we know this journey’s not over. Please don’t hear me say: “Hey, isn’t this a great little ‘Tie a bow around it, and it’s done?’—no.”

Dave (21:09):

What year are you in marriage?

Ron (21:11):

Thirty-six.

Dave (21:11):

See, that’s hopeful. So many couples, at 20/30, they’re just stale; they’re going through the motions, and they think, “The best is behind us. We had some great years, but we’ll just ride to the end.” And you’re saying, “No, the best could be [around the corner]—

Ron: Absolutely.

Dave: —”but it requires total surrender.”

Nan (21:30):

I’ll say this too: “Bring it into the light, because Satan wants no more than to keep you isolated and to keep it in the darkness.” In Psalm 139, if you read further down, the darkness is as light to Him. When I started confessing that, and confessing that, and confessing that—and then, letting a mentor speak into me, letting the light in and not hiding in the closet anymore—I, literally, was in my closet at night.

I have a cool story. Ron would fall asleep; I would get mad. He had given to everyone—we know the story—he’d given to everybody, and not to me. He’d fallen asleep. I’d do my thing; I’d be in the closet. I used to hide stuff in there because I didn’t want anybody know. I’d hide bottles; I’d hide this; I’d hide that. But in my recovery, and in this redemption, I started going into my closet to pray, and get on my knees.

Dave (22:33):

Prayer closet.

Nan (22:34):

Yes.

Dave (22:35):

Wow; redeem it.

Nan (22:36):

I got on my knees one day, and I got on my face before God; because I needed Him to restore my marriage. I knew how broken that bridge of trust was out. I’m on my face before God. I got my hands up, and I’m just praying to Him. Out of the clothes comes an empty bottle in front of my face—tink—that I had no idea was still in there.

(23:01) And He said, “You know what? We’re doing this in here now; not that. I am God, and you think I can’t restore your marriage? I can because I am your God and I’ve got you.” I didn’t keep that bottle; I threw it away.

I’m just so grateful. God is the God of your addiction; God is the God of your secrets; tell Him first, and start confessing—find a friend; find a community—take that step. The enemy would want no more than for you to be trapped and in that for the rest of your life. He [the enemy] wanted to seek, and kill, and destroy me; and God has come to give life.

Ann (23:55):

You’ve been listening to FamilyLife Today. Ron and Nan Deal have shared an incredible story and journey that they’ve been on; God just redeemed and restored their marriage.

Dave (24:07):

And He can do the same thing for your marriage. I would really encourage you pick up their book. You can find it at FamilyLifeToday.com; just click on the link in the show notes.

Ann (24:15):

It’s called The Mindful Marriage.

Dave (24:17):

Also something that Ron and Nan lead is our Blended ministry, here at FamilyLife. Every year, they do a Blended & Blessed conference that you can livestream from your home.

Ann (24:28):

—for free!

Dave (24:29):

Yeah, you can actually go to it [in person] if you want. You can register at FamilyLifeToday.com, and click on that as well.

Ann (24:34):

It’s at Crossings Church, Mayfair, [Oklahoma]. Maybe, you can make it.

Hey, thanks for being with us on FamilyLife Today.

Dave (24:45):

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