How to Be a Good Stepparent: Love Without Keeping Score–Cheryl Shumake

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

This content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.

How to Be a Good Stepparent: Love Without Keeping Score

Guest:Cheryl Shumake

From the series:Loving When It’s Complicated: Divorce, Forgiveness & Stepparenting (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:September 11, 2026

Cheryl (00:04):

I have a friend, Summer Butler, who says it like this. “It’s not our job as bonus parents for our kids to call us Mom or Dad. It’s our job for them, to lead them in such a way that they call God Father. That became the thrust of my bonus parenting.

Dave (00:30):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:36):

And I’m Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Okay, everybody, you’re in for a treat.

Dave (00:50):

We got Cheryl Shumake back in the studio. We’re going to dive back into her story and her ministry, and you’re going to love it, and it’s going to be a good day.

Cheryl (01:02):

I am a born and reared Detroiter. I went to Eastern Michigan University, met my former husband there, was married to him for about 17 years. I got saved, began following hard after Jesus, and really believed that this was God’s will, that we were going ahead and get married. About six years into that marriage, we had my daughter. Unfortunately, that marriage ended in divorce. Very, very hard time. But I say now that I would do it again for how I learned God. I learned him as Father, as friend, as provider, as husband in a way that I didn’t know before.

Dave (01:35):

Now, your daughter was 10?

Cheryl (01:37):

She was 10 at the time.

Dave (01:38):

Because I went through it when I was seven.

Cheryl (01:39):

Did you?

Dave (01:40):

We never talked. Never was a conversation with me. I mean, later when I was probably 19, 20, I’m like, “Mom, can we talk about the divorce?” But my dad comes to visit, sitting across in our little one—

Ann (01:52):

And you didn’t know your dad well at all.

Dave (01:53):

I mean, I saw him four or five times a year. He lived in Florida. I was in Ohio. Long story. So he comes to visit us and he’s sitting across the family room, which was as big as this table. Our entire apartment was just this tiny little thing. And Ann says, “Hey,” and his name’s Dave. “Hey, Dave, we want to hear your side of the divorce.” No, no, no, no, no. We don’t talk about that. My dad has never talked about this. And he was going to be so mad. Oh my goodness.

Ann (02:22):

He gave me a look like, “We don’t do this in our family.” Why not?

Dave (02:27):

My dad just looks across and he goes, “Nobody’s ever asked.”

Cheryl (02:32):

Wow.

Dave (02:32):

And then he told us. And I heard a whole nother story I’d never heard my whole life, which was very helpful and healing. But I mean, just that was like, man, this is something you need to be talking to your teenager or your 10-year-old or your eight-year-old. If they’re old enough to process, not if they’re three or four, but if they’re old enough, as a mom or a dad, you’ve got to be in their life to help them walk through that, right?

Ann (02:56):

What were some of the things you asked your daughter or you said to your daughter during that time?

Cheryl (03:02):

Well, what I asked her a lot was, “Okay, how are you feeling about this? Tell me, what did that look like to you? What did that feel like to you?” What I found out at—she’s now 33. What I have discovered over the years is that she noticed a lot more than what I gave her credit for. She was telling me things.

Ann (03:21):

Really?

Cheryl (03:22):

Yeah. About her father’s personality, about some things that she noticed in the marriage. “You saw that?” She was like, “Mom, I live there. Yes, I saw all of that.” And now she had the language to articulate that. So I think what talking to kids can do is it can give them the language to articulate these very big emotions that they’re feeling and they don’t know how to categorize. So I would ask her to “Tell me about your emotions around this.” Also, when she spent time, because it was very difficult because she would go and spend time and she was spending time with someone that she believed had broken up her parents’ marriage. So she was having a—

Ann:

Oh, that’d be so hard.

Cheryl:

Yeah, it was very hard. So I would ask her, and I’m not saying this is the best thing to do, but I would ask, “What’s good?

(04:08):

What was good?” And that was helpful. Even if she only could come up with, “Well, she can cook.” I was like, “Great. You have good food to eat when you’re there.”

Ann (04:17):

And inside you’re thinking, “Oh, I didn’t want her to do anything good. Sorry, that would just be me.”

Dave (04:24):

My mom never said that.

Ann (04:25):

Your mom never said anything bad.

Dave (04:27):

She never said anything negative about my dad, but she never said, because my dad remarried, and I go down and see him and my stepmom, and she never said, “What’s great about his new wife?” I mean, she wasn’t negative. She was never negative about either one of them. She didn’t do it. You went next level.

Ann (04:43):

That’s next level. That’s next level.

Cheryl:

That’s funny.

Dave (04:46):

Yeah. You went next level. Ann mentioned discipleship. I thought we can start another show, but I said we just keep going. That’s a passion of yours.

Cheryl (04:56):

Absolutely is.

Dave (04:57):

Explain that because there’s stepmom, sanity, there’s discipleship.

Ann (05:02):

You’ve written on this, spoken all over the country, maybe the world on this.

Cheryl (05:06):

I don’t separate discipleship from the other things that I do from Stepmom Sanity or Sawubona Blended Families or working with human trafficking victims. I don’t separate it from that because that is the mission. That is what we’ve been given to make disciples who make disciples then. So if I separate the two, or if I conflate activity with making disciples, then I’ve missed the whole point of what Jesus said to do. The woman who led me to a saving relationship with the Lord, the first thing she did was say, “Hey, this is what we do. We go out and we win souls for Christ, and we get them connected with churches.” Because evangelism is just the first step of discipleship. Discipling really is helping people know God. And we all have that responsibility. The Bible tells us in, I think it’s 2 Corinthians 5, everything is from God who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ.

(06:02):

And we’ve all been given the ministry of reconciliation, meaning that we all have the responsibility to know God and then make him known. And that’s all discipleship is, is to connect this person over here with God. And the Holy Spirit will do the job of formation and transformation as well. We get to roll up in their lives in very unique and fun ways.

(06:24):

So when I first got saved, that’s what I was told to do. And the first thing that we did is we ran out to the Indy 500. So here I am, newly saved. We’re at the Indy 500. It’s a huge party. It’s like Mardi Gras, but with executives. They’re just out there partying and drinking. And I’m trying to give the gospel to different people.

Ann (06:46):

I’ve got to hear it. Give us the whole, what’d you say coming up to them?

Cheryl (06:50):

Okay. So I’m new at this, right? I’m like brand new.

Ann (06:53):

Because Dave and I did all this, too, with Cru. We would go door to door when we’d go to a Christmas conference.

Cheryl (06:58):

Yes, absolutely.

Ann (06:58):

So I want to hear, let’s hear it.

Cheryl (07:00):

Yes. I would go up to these people that are partying, drinking and doing all the things and like, “Excuse me, do you know the Lord Jesus as your Savior?” Like brand new. I heard so many rude comments and a couple of people that kindly listened. But for the most part, I mean, I got a crash course in what not to do, honestly. But at some point, this is the moment I think that discipleship became a passion for me. I was standing on the corner and I was watching everyone. It was almost like the world went into slow motion. And they were dancing and jumping and singing and just revelry was going on. And I started weeping because I could feel God’s compassion for them. And I kept saying, “They don’t know. They really don’t know the disease that they have been diagnosed with, the sin. And they don’t know that the remedy is available.

(07:54):

That death is the outcome of sin, but that life has been made available to them.” I was overwhelmed by the love of God to such an extent that I just wept. Someone thought I was afraid, but the person who led me to the Lord, she looked at me, she said, “Oh no, she’s not afraid.” And I prayed that day on that street corner, “Lord, please don’t let me ever lose your love for the lost.”

(08:20):

And I can’t say that I have cultivated this. I have just surrendered to the cultivation of the Holy Spirit. I know that I will never look into the eyes of somebody whom God does not love or for whom Christ didn’t die despite what’s going on in their life, despite how they may be acting towards me. I just know that God loves them, even if they come from Ohio, and Christ died for them. And my primary job is to communicate that, to give the opportunity at least. God does. He owns his outcome. My job is obedience.

Dave (08:55):

And you were a college student then, right?

Cheryl (08:57):

I was a college student. I was 17, I think. 17, 18 years old, something like that.

Dave (09:01):

So have you never lost that?

Cheryl:

I can’t say that.

Dave:

Because a lot of people have the fire in college and then you see them 10, 20 years later, they’re not even cold. They’re cynical. They’ve gone on a really dark journey and you’re as hot for Christ now as you were.

Cheryl (09:17):

There have been ebbs and flows.

(09:20):

Right after I got married, we came back from our honeymoon and I went right into ministry, youth ministry, phone ministry. Our church had just started a television ministry, so I’m praying on the phone. So I had all of these opportunities to stay stoked. But eventually that stopped. And no, it waned. It absolutely waned because I wasn’t in it every day. I’m in life. I am going through my own issues and trying to figure all of that out. And honestly, there were about—I can distinctly remember a six-month period where I did not like people at all. I didn’t want to be bothered. Don’t talk to me. Don’t call me. No, I’m not praying with you. I mean, that’s how I just didn’t want to be bothered with people. But at some point, I realized, “Okay, God, if you love them and I don’t, then my problem is love right now.

(10:12):

And I need You to smear again my heart with Your love so that I fall in love with You primarily and fall in love again.” I just lost my first love, right? And I fall in love again with people. Life had beat it out.

Ann (10:25):

That’s a good litmus test of how we feel about people. I love that you’re saying all that.

Cheryl (10:30):

The Scripture tells us in Luke to guard your heart less drunkenness, debauchery, or the cares of life. I love that Jesus put the cares of life in the same category as debauchery and drunkenness. It doesn’t have the same moral impact, but it does have the same impact on our lives in that it draws us away from God. It draws us away from fervency and from zeal. One of the things that I pray on a consistent basis is “God, purify my devotion. Help me to love You more and without agenda, just to love You, just to know You.”

Ann:

Just to be with You.

Cheryl (11:12):

Just to be with You. Because I know out of that, the Scripture also tells us that we, with unveiled faces, as looking into a mirror, behold the glory of the Lord, are being changed into that same glory. That as I behold Him, I will become like Him. His heart will be developed in me. So by purifying my devotion, by purifying my love for Him, the natural outpost of that is discipleship. The natural outpost of that is evangelism, is prayer for revival, is all the things that we’re talking about right now.

Ann (11:46):

And I’m just going to say it because we’ve been in the church world and ministry world for 46 years. You can do ministry with a heart that’s not on fire for Jesus.

Cheryl (11:56):

Yes, you can.

Ann (11:57):

And we just do it out of our flesh. We’ve done it for years. We know how to do it. But I think it’s really important.

Dave (12:02):

I mean, we’re not sitting here saying we’re doing it right now.

Ann (12:06):

No, no, no. I’m saying—

Dave (12:07):

Like confession time.

Ann (12:07):

—every single person can do that. But you do not have the impact, the joy, if you’re not connected to the body.

Dave (12:13):

But I don’t think you can love first—

Ann (12:16):

Me neither.

Dave (12:17):

—before being loved. And I know you’ve written about that.

Cheryl (12:20):

Yes.

Ann:

Yeah.

Dave (12:21):

I don’t think that’s possible. That’s a supernatural Spirit empowered ability when somebody is hard to love or they’re not loving you back. So explain that.

Cheryl (12:30):

Yeah. Well, first of all, let’s just say this. Again, we talked about the Scripture. It’s the love of God that shed or brought in our heart by the Holy Spirit. And that is not just God shedding his love so that we can share it, but it is first him letting us know how loved we are. Paul said, I would that you would know the height and depth and breadth and width of God’s great love for you. When I know that I am loved, and I am secure in my identity in Christ, I am not looking to other people as props in my life to help my ego, to bolster me. They’re not projects anymore. They become people to love.

Ann (13:11):

You’re not doing it for identity. You’re doing it out of identity.

Cheryl (13:14):

From identity, right? The Bible tells us it’s like Colossians 3. Paul starts that portion of Scripture with, “Since then, you have been raised with Christ.” There’s an assumption of truth here. Since you’ve been raised with Christ, then he goes on the rest of that and says, “Live like it.” And part of that living like it is putting on Christ, is loving others humble. So I’m not fighting for life. I have life. I’m not fighting for identity, as you said, Ann. I am living from identity. I’m not fighting for position. I’m already seated with Christ. So I don’t have to compete with you. I don’t have to compare myself to you. I don’t have to use you to make myself feel better. I can simply owe you nothing but to love you. That’s it, because I’m already loved. I’m already wanted. I’m already valued. I’m already chosen, beloved and holy.

(14:08):

I’m already that. If we can believe that, but first we have to believe that God is, right? I mean, honestly, if I don’t believe that God is infinitely holy and exceedingly good, then I won’t believe anything that He has to say. So if I can believe that God is true, then I can believe that what He says about me is true. And then that frees me from no matter what’s going on in my life—again, we’re not talking about spiritual bypassing—no matter what’s going on in my life, I can then love. I can forgive. I can look at this person in front of me that’s acting really ugly and say, “Jesus loves you too.” And “Lord, help me. Help me to express that right now in this moment.” I can put up healthy boundaries because sometimes loving a person is, okay, I need to separate myself from you because if I stay in your presence, I’m going to act ugly too.

(14:56):

Sometimes it’s putting up healthy boundaries. Whatever it is, I can do that because I am loved.

Ann (15:01):

Yeah. That’s so good.

Dave (15:02):

Now, how do you do that as you walk into a stepfamily situation? I know that’s your world in terms of stepfamily sanity.

Ann (15:10):

And ministry.

Dave (15:11):

And then choosing the love before they’re loving you back, that can be a stepfamily experience. How do you manage and navigate that? Because I know you help people do that.

Cheryl (15:20):

Yeah. You manage it carefully and you manage it prayerfully. And you manage it honestly. There are times when it is hard. When I fall into expecting reciprocity. So that’s an invitation from the Holy Spirit for me to then run back to him and say, okay, I did this with the wrong motives. Can you help me do it with the right motives again? It is also understanding what my job is, which pulls me back to discipleship. I have a friend, Summer Butler, who says it like this. God told her that her job was not for her sons, her bonus sons to call her mother, but for them through her to call him Father.

Ann (15:57):

Oh, that’s so good. Say it one more time.

Cheryl (15:59):

“It’s not our job as bonus parents for our kids to call us Mom or Dad. It’s our job for them, to lead them in such a way that they call God Father.” That became the thrust of my bonus parenting. So that allowed me to be able to come along, mom, and not as a threat, or not as somebody trying to take your place or trying to fight for my place, but as someone who’s going to support you in your parenting. It allowed me to come alongside my husband and support him in his parenting. It allowed me to give space to my bonus children for them to lead the relationship and not try to push in and be this accepted, wonderful, cape on my back, super stepmom. It allowed me to put the cape down and just be and know that I was enough because God had set me in this family.

(16:53):

Interestingly enough, that without all of the pushing and shoving and vying for position, my place was found even in the difficulties. My bonus daughter is getting married and I’m planning the bridal shower with the support of her mom.

Ann (17:12):

Wow.

Cheryl (17:13):

My bonus son, one of the first gifts I got from him was a cup. I love mom. Those weren’t things that I—and they call me Cheryl—those weren’t things that I asked for. Those were things that God allowed to happen just because I loved freely; not easily, but freely.

Ann (17:33):

Good. That’s so good.

Dave (17:35):

So how many kids do you have now?

Cheryl (17:36):

We have four. Our oldest is actually Jonathan’s bonus daughter from his first marriage. Do not tell her she’s not mine. She will cut you. She will cut you. Then the next one down is my bio daughter, Kayla. And then we have Jonathan’s bio daughter who’s getting married. And then we have our bio son who was the youngest. Jonathan’s bio son, I should say, who was the youngest. So we have four and I have a grandson.

Ann (18:03):

So fun.

Cheryl (18:04):

Nobody told me. Grandkids are like God’s reward for putting up with teenagers. That’s what I say. I love this kid like nobody’s business.

Ann (18:14):

That’s so fun.

Cheryl (18:14):

He knows it. He knows it. My husband knows it. Everybody knows it. He can have whatever he wants from Grandma. He can. Which is another thing. I am not his biological grandma, but I’m Grandma.

Ann:

Yeah, you are.

Cheryl:

And his biological grandma is Sugar. That’s what he calls her. And when they were out, they were out one day. It’s so funny. They were out one day. They asked him, “Oh, is this your grandmother?” And he said, “Oh no, this is my Sugar. My Grandma’s at home.” I love it.

Ann:

So cute.

Cheryl:

They don’t know. He’s so cute. He’s so adorable.

Ann:

How old is he?

Cheryl:

He’s four. So he’s at a great age.

Ann:

That’s such a fun age.

Ann (18:47):

It is a fun age. Well, I think our listeners are going to be excited because they’re going to hear more from Cheryl in the future.

Dave (18:52):

Are you excited?

Cheryl (18:53):

I’m excited too. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I’m excited for who—I don’t know who’s going to be in front of me. I’m excited to have those conversations.

Dave:

We never do either.

Cheryl:

Oh, okay. I don’t feel bad.

Dave (19:02):

They’re always great. I mean, everybody that comes in here is brought by God. There’s a sovereign God who’s sort of orchestrated that moment, and you never know how that guest and that conversation’s going to literally change the course of somebody’s life and legacy. It’s powerful to think we sit in here and we talk, and God’s Spirit goes, “I’m going to use that in ways,” and hopefully we hear back.

Ann (19:31):

Yeah, and for those of you—

Dave (19:32):

Email us and let us know.

Ann (19:34):

Yeah. For those of you that didn’t hear the episode before, go back and listen to that one. But Cheryl’s going to be coming in and as Dave’s having a knee replacement surgery.

Dave (19:44):

I’ll be laying on a couch.

Ann (19:46):

Yes.

Cheryl (19:48):

I’ll be working.

Ann (19:49):

Pray for me.

Dave:

Yeah, you’ll be working.

Cheryl (19:49):

I will be praying for you.

Ann (19:51):

Thank you. Dave will be great. He’s a very good patient.

Dave (19:54):

The last time I had back surgery years ago and I found out later as I came home and laid on the couch and said, “Hey, I’m going to do everything the doc said. I’m just going to lay here. I’m not supposed to twist.” I heard later that my wonderful wife, and my son went in the bathroom, the next room, and started laughing out loud.

Ann (20:12):

No, because he was trying. I don’t even. I can’t do that. It was not nice of me, but he’s like, “Oh, I can’t like you guys, you need to—” And instead we didn’t say anything negative. We, just both, ran to the other part of the house and we laughed.

Cheryl (20:28):

Isn’t it funny when the one that’s large and in charge has to—yeah, I get it. I get it.

Ann:

That’s it.

Cheryl:

I might’ve been laughing with you, I’m just saying.

Ann (20:37):

And that’s why I need prayer because I’m not always empathetic when it comes to that.

Dave (20:41):

You can edit that part out that they’re laughing at me and with me because I’m not going to be a happy camper for a few weeks.

Ann (20:48):

You’re a good patient though. You’ll be easy.

Dave (20:49):

I don’t know. We’ll see how this knee goes. I’ll be probably an inch taller when I get out because my leg will straighten out again.

Ann (20:56):

Maybe.

Cheryl:

That’s great.

Ann:

Cheryl, I think that our guests and our listeners are going to love having you host some, and I think it’ll be really fun for them. You’ve got a really cool walk with Jesus that inspires so many.

Cheryl (21:09):

He’s really cool. He’s just good. And it’s fun to just be in an adventure with Him.

Ann (21:14):

Hey, and again, Cheryl’s book is called Waiting to Be Wanted: A Stepmom’s Guide to Loving Before Being Loved. I think you would love to get this book since we’re talking about love.

Dave (21:26):

Yeah, just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link in the show notes.

Ann (21:33):

Somewhere between the schedule, the responsibilities, and the routine, it’s easy to forget why you enjoy being together. Weekend to Remember® gives you that time back, away from everything competing for your attention, focused only on each other.

Dave (21:50):

And right now through September 21st, registrations are 50% off. Two for the price of one. Just visit FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the banner at the top of the page and find your date and location. You know what I mean? You can pick whatever weekend you want, wherever you want. And you get the deal by just using the promo code Save50. That’s save five zero.

Ann (22:17):

Hey, Cheryl, I’m just thinking of, there’s probably a lot of listeners that have gone through some of the same things or just need encouragement. We’ve talked about a lot of things with you the last few days.

Cheryl (22:26):

Yeah.

Ann (22:26):

We’ve talked about your story of going through divorce, being a single mom, getting remarried, and then this whole discipleship idea and loving people. And man, I know that some listeners, they’re in the valley and they could really use somebody to encourage them and lift them up in prayer. So would you pray for them?

Cheryl (22:46):

Oh, Father, in the matchless name of our Lord and Savior, we come before you and we do not take it lightly that we can. It’s such a privilege and an honor to be named by your name, to belong to your family, to know you and to stand before your throne on behalf of those who are listening who are struggling. Lord, your word says that you’re close to the brokenhearted. So I thank you for being near; that those who are struggling are not struggling alone. They’re not struggling unseen. They’re not struggling unheard. You are a God who has provided a Savior who empathizes with every feeling of infirmity that we go through. So I thank you that not only are you with them, but you know them. You know the struggle. Remind them that you are with them. Strengthen them. Lord God, bring people alongside to encourage them.

(23:39):

When they don’t know how to articulate, I thank you, Holy Spirit, for praying what they can’t articulate. And I thank you for all of the prayers being heard and answered. Thank you, God, that though they are in the valley, you’re with them and the best is yet to come. Father, thank you that you’re in the rhythm of all of our life. Lord God, through the ebbs and the flows, thank you, Lord God, that you are with their children. I just know that there are so many moms and dads that are out there right now who are hurting for their children and feel incapable of alleviating pain, but you are the God who transforms hearts, who alleviates pain, who waste absolutely nothing, Lord God. So I thank you for bringing beauty out of the ashes, for bringing great joy out of mourning, Lord God, and dancing, Lord God, and giving the oil of gladness.

(24:29):

We just rejoice in the anticipation of you working in their lives, Lord God, and bringing healing Father. And I thank you for that now. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Ann (24:40):

Amen.

FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife®, a Cru® ministry; celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.

If you’ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?

Copyright © 2026 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

www.FamilyLife.com