When Duty Keeps Winning: Being Married in the Military Without Losing Yourself–Beth Runkle

Episode Transcript

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When Duty Keeps Winning: Being Married in the Military Without Losing Yourself

Guest:Beth Runkle

From the series:Military Wife (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:April 17, 2026

Beth (00:04):

I literally got out my Bible, I’m a new believer and I’m like, “Okay, where has God shown Himself to be faithful?” And I see, oh, He had them cross the Red Sea. Okay, that was impossible. Okay, so God is faithful. I can trust Him. And then I began to recount the times He had been faithful in my life. So I’m pushing out that fear with the truth that God is faithful, that He can be relied on, that these times that He’s been faithful tells me He will be faithful in this situation now.

Dave (00:41):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:47):

And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

We have Beth Runkle back with us today, and her book is called Another Move, God? She’s a military wife and it’s a devotional, but I’m telling you, this book is going to apply to every single person and it’s going to fire you up.

Dave (01:15):

Yeah. There’s a lot we can learn from the military.

Ann (01:18):

Yes.

Dave (01:18):

We so appreciate all they do, but man, her applications—

Ann (01:22):

And analogies.

Dave (01:23):

—will apply to your life, I guarantee you. So you’re going to love today.

Beth (01:31):

I learned to manage my expectations. So my husband’s an optimist, and so he would come and tell me sometimes like, “Hey, I know I’ve been working late. I know I haven’t spent time with you and the kids. I’m going to be home every day this week.” So what I started to realize is that’s what he wants to do. That’s his heart. That’s where his priority is, but he works for the military, duty calls. And sometimes your superior comes and says, “Hey, this needs to be done, and you got to stay.” So I began to adjust my expectations and to say, “I know he wants to be home, but he might not be able to.” So when he came home and we had eaten dinner and his food had gotten cold, I just made him a plate. I put it in the refrigerator, but I don’t add to the disappointment of him not having been there by being angry with him because it’s outside of his control.

(02:20):

Now this didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t happen in our first year of marriage, but I began to lower my expectations by understanding unfortunately duty comes first. And I think this can happen with any job. Yes, it’s hard. And I think we have to be honest, but we also, I had to just for myself say he wants to be here, but he’s likely not going to be. Therefore, I’m not going to expect him to walk through the door.

Dave (02:46):

What about the wife, I’m asking either one of you two, whose husband’s not in the military, but has an important job and a high demanding job. And that wife feels like “I come first. I know your job’s important, but you made a vow. I should come first.” And so somewhere in there, I should be getting priority over your job, but often that doesn’t happen. What do you say to her?

Beth (03:10):

One of the things that my husband really did is that when he could give me priority, he did. So for example, when he flew the F-117 stealth fighter, it was a night mission. He flew nights Monday through Friday. So I did not see him Monday through Friday. What he would do for me is on Saturday mornings, he would give me Saturday morning to rest because I had an infant and an 18-month-old, so I was just exhausted. Sundays was family day and we did spend some time on Saturday, but we also did things so I could get some help Monday through Friday. Once a week, I got a babysitter. And honestly, that was for adult conversation because I wasn’t getting any. But also one thing that he would say to me very, very often when he would leave for a TDY or deployment or just working long hours, he would come to me face to face and he would say, “Hey, I have to do such and such.

(03:59):

I want you to know I would prefer to be with you. You are my priority, but this time I have to go do this, but you are so loved by me, and you mean so much to me.” That went very, very far. Some of the husbands I knew when they were on mission, they would completely disconnect with family and not call them. My husband didn’t do that and I’m thankful he didn’t. Even if it was a short conversation, especially when they’re deployed and it’s dangerous just to say, “Hey, I love you. I’m committed and I sure do miss you.”

Dave (04:34):

Did you ever get to a point sometimes where it’s like, “Come on.” Where it just got exhausting like—

Ann (04:40):

Or you were disrespectful.

Dave (04:41):

You thought maybe a window’s coming and then, “Oh yeah, disrespectful. I saw a look. What’s that mean?”

Beth (04:48):

Yeah, that’s definitely something as a strong woman I had to learn.

Ann (04:52):

What’s that look like? What happened?

Beth (04:53):

So yeah, I remember we had just moved from one location to the other. I homeschooled our children so that we could be with him. So we went with him to all of his trainings. I also prioritized him. When he worked long hours, I would get up early to just have coffee with him so we would at least connect a little bit.

Ann (05:10):

Well done.

Beth (05:11):

And I really tried to flex as I could to prioritize him. But yeah, back to the disrespect. And I remember I was trying to homeschool the kids while I’m packing boxes and it was Algebra. My husband happened to be home and he kept butting in. He kept coming and helping. I literally thought, I didn’t say, like, “This is my turf. Get off.” I don’t remember exactly what was said, but there was a little disagreement about it and there was some tension. And he said to me that night, he said, “You know, I’ve always been a good leader in my life. I led my senior class. I was the cadet corps commander of my ROTC detachment. In my flights, I’ve been a commander.” He said, “I’ve been a squadron commander of 500 officers and a couple hundred enlisted people, but I can’t lead you.” And I was like, “Ouch.” But it was so true and I was the problem.

(06:10):

And God really used that and he didn’t raise his voice. He wasn’t angry, but he was letting me know you’re not letting me lead. I was like, “Okay, I really got some work to do, Lord. I have to repent.” And I think originally, I thought that being a submissive wife and letting your husband being the head of household meant that I had to be a doormat and I’m not a doormat. I have opinions.

Ann (06:34):

Me either. You push back on that because you don’t want to become that.

Beth (06:36):

But what I came to realize, it’s also not aggressively dominating your husband, shrieking, being fierce. I think it is balanced between the two. So I think Bryan and I have worked it out really well. He comes to me for everything. He really values my opinion. I give my opinion, but at the end of the day, he has so much more responsibility than me and I’m enjoying more and more resting in that and letting him take the lead.

Dave (07:05):

Was that a long process? I mean, it’s similar, you know our story, but when I said to Ann, “I feel like the people out there sort of like me and think I’m good and I feel like you think I’m bad and you don’t like me.”

Ann (07:17):

I’m booing you.

Dave (07:17):

It was similar to what Bryan said, “I’m the lead of squadrons and they must think I’m pretty good because I do it. I can’t lead you.” Ann heard it too. I said mine a lot worse. Bryan was much better and gentler.

Beth (07:31):

He’s pretty gracious.

Dave (07:31):

But did you switch in a day, a month? How did that go?

Beth (07:37):

Oh no, no. I think this has been, I mean, I’ve been married 28 years now. And I came to Christ three years in, so it’s been a 25-year journey. I still have a lot to learn, but I am beginning to see these last 10 years, the blessing of letting him lead and trusting him. And this is the realization that I came to. We were stationed in Montgomery, Alabama. So this was 2005 and I was studying Sarah and we were looking at some of the decisions that Abraham made. “Come on, Sarah, there’s a famine. Let’s go to Egypt. Okay, while we’re in Egypt, we’re going to pretend that you’re my sister because I really want to save my own neck and then I’m going to go off and rescue my nephew Lot with my 318 house servants against four kings and all their armies.” I could go on, but there were some decisions that Abraham made that I’m like, “Huh, I don’t think that was a very good decision.

(08:40):

That doesn’t seem very smart.” And I thought as I was putting myself in Sarah’s place, I’m like, “Was she like, ‘Have you lost some marbles, Abraham? None of these are good decisions.’” But what I saw was from 1 Peter, it says, “Sarah did not give wave to fear, but she called Abraham Lord.” It wasn’t an audible voice, but God very clearly spoke to me and said, “There may be times where you don’t trust the decision your husband is making, but you trust me and I can work through even what may seem like a bad decision because I can be trusted.” And he said, “If you don’t trust your husband, then you’re really saying you don’t trust me.” And Bryan, if you’re listening, I do trust you, but there are just certain situations.

Ann (09:27):

And think about it, Abraham does the same thing again with Sarah, “Oh, this is my sister.”

Beth (09:35):

So frustrating when he does that with Abimelech, yeah.

Ann (09:36):

She’s probably thinking, “Dude, are you kidding me? We’re going to do this again.” And again, God protects her. So I think that’s a great point. We may not always agree with—

Beth (09:49):

Yes, that’s a better word.

Ann (09:50):

—agree with what our husband’s doing or saying. And I think if we don’t, we need to talk about that. It’s not like you just suffer in silence, we talk about it, but our ultimate trust is in a Father who loves us and sees us.

Beth (10:05):

Yeah. And I think too, there’s been situations where Bryan’s listened to my counsel and agreed with me and we went forward with it. He felt it was the right decision. There’s been times where he’s like, “Nope, we’re going with what I thought.”

Ron Deal (10:23):

Hey friends, Ron Deal here, Director of FamilyLife Blended. Did you know Blended and Blessed, the only worldwide livestream designed for couples and blended families is free this year. Saturday, April 18th, we’re going to be live in Oklahoma City. If you show up there, we’re going to charge you for lunch but other than that, it is free. Free to livestream. Churches can bring a group of couples together and enjoy the day absolutely free. Gayla Grace is going to be with us, Davey and Kristi Blackburn, Cheryl Shumake’s going to be with us, Kathi Lipp and Bryan Goins, our emcee. It’s going to be a wonderful day. I hope you can join us. Learn more and get the link in the show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Dave (11:08):

Well talk about—I mean, one of the themes of your book is faith over fear. I mean, Abraham’s making these really bad decisions because of fear. So how does he, or you as a wife, navigate because there’s fearful moments every day of our lives that we have to choose can we trust God or not?

Beth (11:27):

Yes. Well, in the book, I talk about that when Abraham went off to fight in that battle, there was fear. And Sarah was at home in her tent, so she didn’t have a house like I did. But I just—if you look at the Talmud and the Mishnah, Sarah is mentioned as having been a woman of great prayer. Now, those are not as authoritative as the Bible, but the Jews do really regard those sources.

Dave (11:53):

Look at you going from a woman who didn’t even know what a Bible was—

Ann:

You’re a Bible study.

Dave:

—to going to the Mishnah and the Talmud. I’m like, “Whoa, most Christians don’t even know those books exist.”

Beth (12:01):

Well, I’m secretly a Bible nerd.

Ann:

I like it.

Beth:

Yeah. I love the Word of God and I love studying. So I imagined Sarah may have been reeling with some of the fearful thoughts that I had. And what I learned was, for example, when Bryan was in the Middle East, I remember watching the news and hearing that the surface to air missiles, there were so many on this day that it was like there was fog. You couldn’t see anything. And I’m watching the news and knowing that my husband is over there flying and I’m freaking out and saying, “Okay, I have to stop. I have to turn off this news.” And for the younger person, social media, get off your phone, right? And I learned, I couldn’t just tell myself, “Don’t have these anxious thoughts.” Because what ended up happening, I say, “Don’t have these anxious thoughts.”

(12:48):

What happens the next second? “Anxious thoughts.” So I learned actually from physics and the displacement principle tells us that we cannot be full of two things at the same time. So you may have seen this if you’ve ever gotten into a hot tub or if you put your kids in the bath. So when you put your little kid in the bath, you put it in and the water level goes up. Well, that’s the displacement principle. And so what we have to do is our mind works the same way. We have to push out these fearful thoughts, and we do it with replacing them with truth, with faith. And I think we get this from Philippians, right? “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer with thanksgiving, present your request to the Lord and the peace of God, which passes all the understanding will guide your hearts and minds and the knowledge of Christ Jesus, our Lord.”

(13:36):

I literally got out my Bible, I’m a new believer and I’m like, “Okay, where has God shown Himself to be faithful?” And I see, oh, He had them cross the Red Sea. Okay, that was impossible. Okay, so God is faithful. I can trust Him. And then I began to recount the times He had been faithful in my life. So I’m pushing out that fear with the truth that God is faithful, that He can be relied on, that these times that He’s been faithful tells me He will be faithful in this situation now.

Dave (14:05):

And you’re able in those evenings, because I can’t imagine—

Ann:

Me neither.

Dave:

—you’ve displaced it and you’ve chosen faith over fear, but even as you’re going to sleep, I can’t imagine knowing there’s bullets flying and your husband’s in the middle of that.

Beth (14:20):

It’s hard. I’m not going to lie, but I get out my Bible or read my Bible. Honestly, I fall asleep praying. We have to take those thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ. I think God can also handle, “I’m really struggling with this, Lord. Can you help me?” But I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. I had to fill it with the truth of God’s faithfulness. In my own life, I would recount one of the times that God has proven in the past where I just thought it was an impossible situation.

Dave (14:54):

Yeah. And I’m guessing there’s people listening, watching right now, they’re in something like that and it might be their son or daughter or their spouse.

Ann:

Or you just look at the chaos of the world.

Beth (15:06):

Well, and it’s like, what are you focusing on? Whatever we focus on grows. If you are focused on your difficult circumstance, it’s going to grow. I have to focus on the Lord and what He says to be true and look up instead of looking down.

Dave (15:21):

That’s vertical.

Beth (15:21):

Yeah, it is vertical.

Ann:

And even I love you’ve memorized scripture and I love that scripture in Philippians that says, and he’ll guard our hearts and our minds both in Christ Jesus. And so it is learning that displacement like, here’s the scripture. I’m going to say it over and over and then you fall asleep.

Beth (15:39):

And I do have things memorized that I use during those times.

Ann (15:41):

You do.

Beth (15:42):

Oh, absolutely.

Ann (15:43):

Because we’re in war.

Beth (15:44):

It’s our sword.

Ann (15:45):

Yes.

Beth (15:46):

It’s our warfare. That’s where we go to fight with. They might fight with big weapons, but we fight with the Word.

Ann (15:52):

I love it.

Dave (15:53):

Alright, tent dweller.

Beth (15:54):

Yes.

Dave (15:55):

What’s that whole idea?

Beth (15:57):

So Sarah and Abraham were constantly on the move. And I really related to that because my life was a life of transition. I actually calculated one time, and I had spent 30% of my life unpacking from a move or preparing for the next move.

Dave (16:11):

One third of your life.

Beth (16:12):

At that particular time, yes. But yeah, looking at Sarah and all the different moving that she was doing, and as I was studying this, the account in scripture that is right before Sarah and Abraham is the Tower of Babel. And at the Tower of Babel, the people there were seeking to build something permanent for themselves, for their own glory.

Dave (16:35):

To make their name great.

Beth (16:37):

Yes. And God comes and is like, “No, I’m not going to let you do that.” And then the next story is Sarah and Abraham, who are tent dwellers, who are constantly on the move, only they’re moving on the backs of camels and donkeys. I at least had moving trucks. It actually kind of made me feel not quite so sorry for myself. And then when they get to Canaan, the first thing that Sarah and Abraham do is they build a permanent altar for the Lord. And I think what may have been happening there is Abraham may have been saying, “God is the permanent thing.” And he did not want them at Babel to make something permanent for themselves, but God is the permanent thing that we can depend on. And He is the stable thing. He is our rock. Nothing else is. And if we think about it, even if you’re not military, whatever you do, everything of this world is temporary.

(17:32):

This is not our home. God is the only permanent thing. So that’s what I really learned from them.

Ann (17:38):

When I think about that whole story, in fact, I’m going through year 20 of reading through the Bible in a year, just started year 20. So I’ve read that story a lot, and Genesis is an amazing book. But I also, I started this year, I started marking all the times when Abraham built a memorial. And I’ve started doing that over the years of just, it’s a reminder of God’s faithfulness. And as you’re talking, Beth, so often you’re talking about God’s Word, you’re talking about His faithfulness, and you can tell that you’re in the Word. I can tell that that has changed you.

Beth (18:18):

Oh, absolutely.

Ann (18:19):

It’s your Rock. And when I think, when I read the Bible and when God gives instruction for the kings of Israel, they’re to be in the word every day to be reminded. So what does that look like for you and how have you made that a habit?

Beth (18:33):

Well, I am in ministry now. So I disciple cadets at the Air Force Academy. I’ve been doing that for eight and a half years. And even though I opened the word with them every day, I learned my first year of ministry that I have to also open it for myself. Because if I’m opening to feed them, it might not be feeding me. Yeah. So daily quiet time, time in the Word. But I also realized I need a group of women to come together to study the Bible that are more peers and not people I’m pouring into. Although I do lead a study, I love to be in a study with other women because I think you just get so much about interacting over the scriptures and encouraging each other. Some days you’re having a bad day, and you can go and sometimes you can just borrow faith from some of your sisters in Christ as you open the Word together.

(19:29):

So that’s essential for me. I love the word of God. I love teaching it to women and interacting with them. Anytime I’m having a discipleship moment, I mean, we’re constantly, I’m like, they’ll ask me a question. I’m like, “Well, let’s go to James.” This is life giving. This changes your world. I’m a dramatically different person because I love God’s word and I allow it to teach me. And this book is living active sharper than a double-edged sword. There is no other book I believe that we can pick up and read time and time again and God continue to give us new things or exactly what we need for that exact day.

Ann (20:13):

It’s miraculous.

Beth (20:14):

It absolutely is.

Ann (20:15):

I would never read another book every single year for 20 years. But when I pick up the Bible—Dave knows this. I’ll be in the car reading it to him. I’m like, “Listen to this,” like I’ve never heard it before.

Dave (20:29):

I’ve even said to her, “You’ve read this like 18 times. You act like you’ve never heard this before,” but it’s just alive—

Ann (20:36):

It’s alive.

Dave (20:36):

—like you said. It’s interesting, as I listen to you, I hear you have peers beside you, you have disciples behind you. Who’s ahead of you? Who do you follow? Who’s mentoring you?

Beth (20:48):

Well, when we were doing the military life—

Dave (20:50):

Besides FamilyLife Today, of course.

Beth (20:51):

Yeah, of course. When we were in the military, it was constantly changing. I realized that I had to be assertive to seek that out and ask women to pour into me and invest in me. Usually it was a year or two at a time. But now, since we are settled, I have an older group of women that I pray with from my church and meet with them. And they are prayer warriors. They are such a blessing to me. And yeah, I think we all need someone ahead of us and behind us and at our level that we allow to speak into our lives, the good and the bad and correct us at times.

Ann (21:31):

And I think too, let me just address women that aren’t in a group like that with other women. I just had dinner with Dave last week and I said, “I feel like I’m just in a funky place. I don’t know if it’s sad, lost.” And I was trying to figure out with him what’s—

Dave (21:50):

Of course, I thought it was me.

Ann (21:51):

No, and I’m like, “It’s not you.”

Dave (21:53):

Husbands will own it.

Ann (21:54):

No, it’s not you. And I realized like, “Oh, I’m not in a group right now.” Because I’m the same. There’s nothing that lights my fire than giving Jesus away or being in the word with other women and having peers that are encouraging me or somebody that’s challenging me. But man, that feeds my soul. So if you’re a woman and you’re not in a group, can I just tell you, go after that, find a group or start one. You did it and you were a baby.

Beth (22:25):

I did it lots of times. Pretty much everywhere we moved, I started a group.

Ann (22:30):

You did.

Beth (22:30):

Yeah, because I knew I needed community.

Ann (22:33):

Maybe you get Beth’s book. There’s application.

Beth (22:36):

And there’s a leader’s guide to go with it that makes it a seven-week small group study. It’s free on my website. And I found too, often it just started with one woman, but word spread and more people came and more people came. The study that I’m leading right now, I have two women that are brand new Christians, don’t know anything about the Bible. They were really anxious and I’m like, “Hey, come. I want you to be there. You’re going to learn from others.” And I’m like, “No pressure if you’re not able to do your homework.” But I assure you, they get in there and they see the excitement of the other women, and they do their homework. I’ve also gotten really interested in historical cultural contextualization. It is making the Bible come alive when we understand their original culture. It makes so much more of what’s written, just have so much more depth to it and we understand.

Dave (23:23):

Have you jumped into Kristi McLelland yet?

Beth (23:26):

Yes, I have. I’ve done all her studies. And I also just went to Turkey and Greece with a cultural contextualization study group. It was amazing.

Dave (23:34):

Wow.

Ann (23:34):

I want to do that. Take me with you the next time.

Dave (23:39):

I haven’t met Bryan, but I think you’re as much a cadet as he is. You’re a soldier, girl. Way to go.

Ann (23:45):

Maybe she’s a General.

Beth (23:46):

Aren’t we—we are all in the Lord’s Army.

Dave (23:48):

I know.

Ann (23:49):

We are. Yes, we are.

Beth:

It’s all about building the kingdom.

Dave (23:51):

Yeah, but I love your fire and your impact. Way to go.

Ann:

You’re taking territory.

Beth (23:55):

Well, the Lord has definitely done this in me. I mean, really, I was scary before I knew Jesus.

Ann (24:02):

Me too.

Dave (24:03):

Now you’re scary for Jesus. Yeah. Well, thank you. This is awesome.

Ann (24:08):

It’s been so good, Beth.

Dave (24:09):

Yeah. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the link in the show notes and get Another Move, God?

Ann (24:15):

Beth Runkle, thank you for being with us.

Beth (24:17):

Thanks so much. It was a pleasure to be here.

Dave (24:19):

Before we’re done today, let me just say this. We meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that’s what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.

Ann (24:34):

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Dave (24:45):

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